worry about drinking
Josh Moll
dear everyone,
I am looking for some advice how to handle my sons drinking.
He is 18, finished highschool last summer (he didn't choose homeschool three
years ago when we discovered the legal way to homeschool in Holland for his 10
year youger siter), didn't want to go to the university (OK by us) works self
employed from home to earn enough to pay for his clothes, social life and things
(we don;t want money for food or housing and pay his insurance) he helps with
cooking and shopping. Since we homeschoole we try as much to apply unschooling
principles, so he is supported in his interests, we give him trust and freedom
and there is a lot of love all around.
Mostly I'm very happy with what he chooses to do. But he is drinking to much.
From thursday to sunday he goes out each night, with friends. They stay out till
dawn, spend time at friends houses (all his friends live in student houses, not
with their parents), or go to bars or sit in the park. I don't mind him going
out I love to see him happy with friends and they are welcome in our home ( but
when they have dinner with us, they go out after 10-11pm). During those nights
out he drinks between 10-20 beers. he is open about it, and I am open about it
that I think that that is much. and that I would rather have him drink less. He
doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
belly.
This morning when I woke and could smell the beer around him I felt so angry.
But I realize that behind my anger is fear, for him, for me not knowing how to
handle this, for not doing enough, and sadness. I don't think it has to do with
my illness and the troubling time we have had with it, because it started way
before that. He likes the feeling being slightly drunk gives him. The more
outgoing extravert man he becomes, he likes the fun of it and says he can handle
it all and for me not to worry. So I didn't act out in anger, just said sleep
well and dicided to write this letter.
Does anybody have a advice for me, sees things I don't see?
greetings, Josh
I am looking for some advice how to handle my sons drinking.
He is 18, finished highschool last summer (he didn't choose homeschool three
years ago when we discovered the legal way to homeschool in Holland for his 10
year youger siter), didn't want to go to the university (OK by us) works self
employed from home to earn enough to pay for his clothes, social life and things
(we don;t want money for food or housing and pay his insurance) he helps with
cooking and shopping. Since we homeschoole we try as much to apply unschooling
principles, so he is supported in his interests, we give him trust and freedom
and there is a lot of love all around.
Mostly I'm very happy with what he chooses to do. But he is drinking to much.
From thursday to sunday he goes out each night, with friends. They stay out till
dawn, spend time at friends houses (all his friends live in student houses, not
with their parents), or go to bars or sit in the park. I don't mind him going
out I love to see him happy with friends and they are welcome in our home ( but
when they have dinner with us, they go out after 10-11pm). During those nights
out he drinks between 10-20 beers. he is open about it, and I am open about it
that I think that that is much. and that I would rather have him drink less. He
doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
belly.
This morning when I woke and could smell the beer around him I felt so angry.
But I realize that behind my anger is fear, for him, for me not knowing how to
handle this, for not doing enough, and sadness. I don't think it has to do with
my illness and the troubling time we have had with it, because it started way
before that. He likes the feeling being slightly drunk gives him. The more
outgoing extravert man he becomes, he likes the fun of it and says he can handle
it all and for me not to worry. So I didn't act out in anger, just said sleep
well and dicided to write this letter.
Does anybody have a advice for me, sees things I don't see?
greetings, Josh
plaidpanties666
Josh Moll <josje_wosje@...> wrote:
For years George drank - sometimes just one or two beers, sometimes, if he was in a rotten mood a whole twelve pack, sometimes more than that. Twelve beers wasn't enough for George to be drunk, that might give you an indication of how regular a drinker he was. He wasn't abusive, wasn't an ass when he'd drink a lot, just sort of lethargic. I never gave him any kind of hassle about drinking and the vast majority of the time he didn't ask me to buy it for him. I'm generally pretty kind to George, we have a warm, friendly relationship with lots of mutual care in it. A few years back he decided to stop drinking and did, just like that. He said he decided it was a lousy strategy for dealing with his funky moods, that it was effecting his health and leaving him less available for the kids.
My favorite aunty has (had?) a drinking problem - she used to get drunk when she was unhappy. Its a different sort of issue than someone who "drinks too much". She would get out of control, get hurt, lash out verbally at other people. Her husband is gentle and supportive, didn't give her grief for her drinking, although he confessed to me that he worried about that. Last year she decided to go to treatment and hasn't had any alcohol to drink since, even in the sorts of circumstances that would have sent her to the bottle in the past - she's learning to handle her problems in other ways.
People stop drinking because they choose to. It doesn't have to be a traumatic process of "hitting bottom" the way AA makes it out to be. Given kindness and a comfortable life, people can choose to change.
---Meredith
> I am looking for some advice how to handle my sons drinking.Realistically, you need a way to handle your own feelings about it. You can't stop him. You can create a situation where he feels a need to be sneaky about drinking, or where he decides he'd rather move out and go on drinking, but you don't have to do those things.
For years George drank - sometimes just one or two beers, sometimes, if he was in a rotten mood a whole twelve pack, sometimes more than that. Twelve beers wasn't enough for George to be drunk, that might give you an indication of how regular a drinker he was. He wasn't abusive, wasn't an ass when he'd drink a lot, just sort of lethargic. I never gave him any kind of hassle about drinking and the vast majority of the time he didn't ask me to buy it for him. I'm generally pretty kind to George, we have a warm, friendly relationship with lots of mutual care in it. A few years back he decided to stop drinking and did, just like that. He said he decided it was a lousy strategy for dealing with his funky moods, that it was effecting his health and leaving him less available for the kids.
My favorite aunty has (had?) a drinking problem - she used to get drunk when she was unhappy. Its a different sort of issue than someone who "drinks too much". She would get out of control, get hurt, lash out verbally at other people. Her husband is gentle and supportive, didn't give her grief for her drinking, although he confessed to me that he worried about that. Last year she decided to go to treatment and hasn't had any alcohol to drink since, even in the sorts of circumstances that would have sent her to the bottle in the past - she's learning to handle her problems in other ways.
People stop drinking because they choose to. It doesn't have to be a traumatic process of "hitting bottom" the way AA makes it out to be. Given kindness and a comfortable life, people can choose to change.
> This morning when I woke and could smell the beer around him I felt so angry.You can feel those things without making your son responsible for them. You don't have to agree with all his decisions, or think they're all the greatest decisions in order to be supportive. It will help him more if you can be supportive of him and not put down his decisions. If he wanted to do something dangerous - my brother used to race bicycles and now is an amature car racer, not exactly the safest of hobbies - you could be scared for him and supportive of him at the same time. In a way, his decision to go out drinking with friends is that kind of decision. It has risks, but chances are your son knows those risks.
> But I realize that behind my anger is fear, for him, for me not knowing how to
> handle this, for not doing enough, and sadness.
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=-He is 18, finished highschool last summer (he didn't choose
homeschool three
years ago when we discovered the legal way to homeschool in Holland
for his 10
year youger siter)...-=-
You're not asking about an unschooling situation, though, as he went
to school.
He went to school his whole life so far, and now he has a job (that's
good) and he lives at home (that's good), and he's old enough to drink
legally, right?
And he has friends!
You could shame and complain until he stops being honest or moves
out. Most parents would do that, at least in the U.S.
I think at this point, if he's not driving under the influence of
alcohol, he's not passing out in the gutter, and he's paying for his
own entertainment, let it go without comment. Or maybe a "be
careful," or "I worry about you" kind of nice mom comment, not
warnings and threats.
I did talk to my kids about drinking contests. There are some party
games that involve TOO Much drinking, in contests to see who can drink
the most. I told them people could die, and it's a waste of money and
takes a toll on their bodies, and it might be a good idea to decide
early to just let other people win.
When Kirby turned 21 (the drinking age here) he got a bottle of
tequila as one of his gifts, from a friend. A month later when he
moved to Texas, it hadn't been opened and he didn't take it with him.
Marty is 21. He drinks more than Kirby did, but at home when he's
watching movies or playing games with friends, they drink Dr. Pepper
and Coke, or more likely water. Unless it's a specific party with the
intention to drink (three or four of those a year), they don't even
have a beer. But when he goes to other people's houses, who went to
school and who grew up with tons of rules and parental trouble,
they're more likely to be drinking. When he goes out to karaoke at
the Irish pub (because that's how it is in New Mexico <g>), he drinks
some.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
homeschool three
years ago when we discovered the legal way to homeschool in Holland
for his 10
year youger siter)...-=-
You're not asking about an unschooling situation, though, as he went
to school.
He went to school his whole life so far, and now he has a job (that's
good) and he lives at home (that's good), and he's old enough to drink
legally, right?
And he has friends!
You could shame and complain until he stops being honest or moves
out. Most parents would do that, at least in the U.S.
I think at this point, if he's not driving under the influence of
alcohol, he's not passing out in the gutter, and he's paying for his
own entertainment, let it go without comment. Or maybe a "be
careful," or "I worry about you" kind of nice mom comment, not
warnings and threats.
I did talk to my kids about drinking contests. There are some party
games that involve TOO Much drinking, in contests to see who can drink
the most. I told them people could die, and it's a waste of money and
takes a toll on their bodies, and it might be a good idea to decide
early to just let other people win.
When Kirby turned 21 (the drinking age here) he got a bottle of
tequila as one of his gifts, from a friend. A month later when he
moved to Texas, it hadn't been opened and he didn't take it with him.
Marty is 21. He drinks more than Kirby did, but at home when he's
watching movies or playing games with friends, they drink Dr. Pepper
and Coke, or more likely water. Unless it's a specific party with the
intention to drink (three or four of those a year), they don't even
have a beer. But when he goes to other people's houses, who went to
school and who grew up with tons of rules and parental trouble,
they're more likely to be drinking. When he goes out to karaoke at
the Irish pub (because that's how it is in New Mexico <g>), he drinks
some.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
katelovessunshine
> But I realize that behind my anger is fear, for him, for me not knowing how toHi Josh,
> handle this, for not doing enough, and sadness. I don't think it has to do with
> my illness and the troubling time we have had with it, because it started way
> before that. He likes the feeling being slightly drunk gives him.
> Does anybody have a advice for me, sees things I don't see?
> greetings, Josh
>
I feel for you. But really there is no way anyone but your son can say if he has a drinking problem. But it sounds like you're having a problem with it.
Alanon Family Groups help the family & friends deal with their feeling & focus regarding other people's drinking. Alanon is a 12-step program for the family, like AA is for the drinkers. If you can't find a local meeting to attend, there is literature and there are online groups too.
Kate
Sandra Dodd
-=-But really there is no way anyone but your son can say if he has a
drinking problem. -=-
As he's single that may be a true statement.
If a parent's drinking is endangering children and risking the
continuation of a family, that's a problem. That doesn't mean the
family can declare that the problem drinker should stop, but there is
such a thing as an intervention.
I agree that with an 18 year old it's a whole different deal. Most 18
year olds are drinking, I think, outside the Moslem world. More drink
if they were limited until that time, it seems.
When an age is dangled in front of someone for years, "When you're X
you can do Y," then it's pretty well certain they will want to do
that, or feel deprived if they don't. It's a natural reaction.
My kids drank when they were younger, at parties. I knew. They
didn't keep it secret. And so because of that, they were open to
discussing the details. When Holly was in Canada and was legal
drinking age, she went out one night, but another night she was on the
way to the club and saw some younger teens skateboarding in a parking
lot and hung out there with them instead. No desperation. No "need."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
drinking problem. -=-
As he's single that may be a true statement.
If a parent's drinking is endangering children and risking the
continuation of a family, that's a problem. That doesn't mean the
family can declare that the problem drinker should stop, but there is
such a thing as an intervention.
I agree that with an 18 year old it's a whole different deal. Most 18
year olds are drinking, I think, outside the Moslem world. More drink
if they were limited until that time, it seems.
When an age is dangled in front of someone for years, "When you're X
you can do Y," then it's pretty well certain they will want to do
that, or feel deprived if they don't. It's a natural reaction.
My kids drank when they were younger, at parties. I knew. They
didn't keep it secret. And so because of that, they were open to
discussing the details. When Holly was in Canada and was legal
drinking age, she went out one night, but another night she was on the
way to the club and saw some younger teens skateboarding in a parking
lot and hung out there with them instead. No desperation. No "need."
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Catherine
"He
doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
belly."
Great! what more do you want from him??
In my similar experience it was good to remember what i was like at 18. Also good to look at the part alcohol played in my life (ive been in AA for 25 years but thats a whole other story except i can put my hand on my heart and say "There is plenty help if and when YOU decide its a problem for you"...
Then i role model self care and get on with the business of living my life..
doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
belly."
Great! what more do you want from him??
In my similar experience it was good to remember what i was like at 18. Also good to look at the part alcohol played in my life (ive been in AA for 25 years but thats a whole other story except i can put my hand on my heart and say "There is plenty help if and when YOU decide its a problem for you"...
Then i role model self care and get on with the business of living my life..
--- In [email protected], Josh Moll <josje_wosje@...> wrote:
>
> dear everyone,
>
> I am looking for some advice how to handle my sons drinking.
> He is 18, finished highschool last summer (he didn't choose homeschool three
> years ago when we discovered the legal way to homeschool in Holland for his 10
> year youger siter), didn't want to go to the university (OK by us) works self
> employed from home to earn enough to pay for his clothes, social life and things
> (we don;t want money for food or housing and pay his insurance) he helps with
> cooking and shopping. Since we homeschoole we try as much to apply unschooling
> principles, so he is supported in his interests, we give him trust and freedom
> and there is a lot of love all around.
> Mostly I'm very happy with what he chooses to do. But he is drinking to much.
> From thursday to sunday he goes out each night, with friends. They stay out till
> dawn, spend time at friends houses (all his friends live in student houses, not
> with their parents), or go to bars or sit in the park. I don't mind him going
> out I love to see him happy with friends and they are welcome in our home ( but
> when they have dinner with us, they go out after 10-11pm). During those nights
> out he drinks between 10-20 beers. he is open about it, and I am open about it
> that I think that that is much. and that I would rather have him drink less. He
> doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
> has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
> belly.
> This morning when I woke and could smell the beer around him I felt so angry.
> But I realize that behind my anger is fear, for him, for me not knowing how to
> handle this, for not doing enough, and sadness. I don't think it has to do with
> my illness and the troubling time we have had with it, because it started way
> before that. He likes the feeling being slightly drunk gives him. The more
> outgoing extravert man he becomes, he likes the fun of it and says he can handle
> it all and for me not to worry. So I didn't act out in anger, just said sleep
> well and dicided to write this letter.
> Does anybody have a advice for me, sees things I don't see?
> greetings, Josh
>
Josh Moll
"He
doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
belly."
Great! what more do you want from him??
--- Thanks everyone for your reactions. I helped me put it in perspective and
made a great talk with my husband who lately started nagging him and that
worried me. We feel we can trust Olaf with everything else so we decided to
trust him with this as well.
Josh
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
doesn't drive a car (goes about on his bike) comes home savely, doesn't puke or
has a very bad temper the next day. But he has many colds and grows a beer
belly."
Great! what more do you want from him??
--- Thanks everyone for your reactions. I helped me put it in perspective and
made a great talk with my husband who lately started nagging him and that
worried me. We feel we can trust Olaf with everything else so we decided to
trust him with this as well.
Josh
MARKETPLACE
Hobbies & Activities Zone: Find others who share your passions! Explore new
interests.
________________________________
Stay on top of your group activity without leaving the page you're on - Get the
Yahoo! Toolbar now.
________________________________
Get great advice about dogs and cats. Visit the Dog & Cat Answers Center.
Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]