gkcollins321

I would love some help! I have a 7 year-old daughter who is very jeolous any time her 4 year-old sister gets something that she does not have. Yesterday was the 4 year-old's birthday and she got to go to Build a Bear with her grandparents. My eldest was upset all day. She repeatedly asked me why her sister got to go and not her. I explained over and over to her that it was for a birthday celebration and that she would get to go when it was her birthday.

I took all 3 of my girls to the bookstore and let them each choose 3 books. I thought this might help cheer everyone up. It didn't. I then told the oldest we could go to her favorite restaurant for dinner while the b-day girl was away at Build a Bear. I told her we'd go to Target and get her some Bella Sara cards that she'd been wanting. She seemed happy with that until her sister came home with a fabulous new stuffed horse. She was very jeoulous of the horse and pouted the rest of the evening. I told her when it was her b-day she could go get the same horse. She kept worrying that they wouldn't have it at that time. I tried to cheer her up by telling her a story about when I was young and wanted a toy my sister had gotten for Christmas. We laughed about that, then I spent some time reading to her and we all went to bed.

This morning she was still so concerned that that horse would not be available on her b-day. So I got on the Build a Bear website, and sure enough, it's a limited addition horse. Tears. I went ahead and bought the horse for her. I'm feeling uneasy about my decision.

I want her to know without a doubt that her needs are very important and that I am her partner in life and will always do my best to help her have her wants and needs met. However, I also feel that at some point, I want her to understand that money doesn't grow on trees. (That's the "old me" talking - pre-unschooling thoughts I guess). And there's a part of me that feels angry toward her for being selfish ( I know that sounds terrible).

Anyway, how do you decide when to buy something for your children and when to say no? I've read similar posts where people have said if the money is there... buy it. But the money can sort of always be found. Or I can always think of a reason why we should save that money for something else. This is such a tough one for me because I am a bit frugal when it comes to spending for myself. It's hard for me to have children who want something everytime we go to the store.

I have recently purchased several other things for my daughter after reading a post earlier this month about trying to say yes more. I just feel at some point this spending needs to be slowed. I did tell my daughter that we have only so much money to spend each month, and that I wanted to make sure this horse was something that she REALLY wanted and that she would be happy with the purchase. She kind of just shut down, but did say yes to answer my question. What's frustrating, too, is that she saw all this other stuff on the website that she wanted to get when I purchased the horse. So even though I was able to say "yes" to the horse, I was also saying "no" to the outfits she wanted for it. Ugh.

I used to handle purchases by saying something like "that would be a great birthday gift" or "would you like to do some chores around the house to earn the money". Now that I am trying to adopt the unschooling as it applies to parenting, I'm just a confused mess. Sorry about the rambling on... I'm holding a very talkative 2 year-old as I write. Thank you so much for any input.

Sandra Dodd

-=- She was very jeoulous of the horse and pouted the rest of the
evening. I told her when it was her b-day she could go get the same
horse. -=-

The first part, pouting until the next day, seemed fine. Telling her
she could go get the same horse ruined it.
You made a promise that wasn't really in your power to keep. And if I
got a cool thing for my birthday, I would NOT like it if my mom told
my sister she could have one just like it. What was cool about that
horse was that it was HERS.

Seven is very young, but seven is also old enough to be told not to
ruin someone else's birthday. If she couldn't be sweeter to her
sister on the sister's birthday, I think finding her something to do
in another room would be better than having her right there. Or one
of the parents could have taken her out--not to spend money, but just
out, to play, to hike, to drive and talk, to ride in the car until she
was asleep--something to protect the birthday joy at home.

-=-I used to handle purchases by saying something like "that would be
a great birthday gift" or "would you like to do some chores around the
house to earn the money". Now that I am trying to adopt the
unschooling as it applies to parenting, I'm just a confused mess. -=-

I'm sorry confusion ensued. It often does, when parents move too
quickly into areas they don't yet understand, and it confuses the
children too, if one day there are rules, and the next day the parents
are a confused mess. :-)

http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange

-=This morning she was still so concerned that that horse would not be
available on her b-day. So I got on the Build a Bear website, and sure
enough, it's a limited addition horse. Tears. I went ahead and bought
the horse for her. I'm feeling uneasy about my decision. -=-

I think I would have assumed there might be something even better by
her birthday, or just written on a list on the wall w things she might
want for her birthday. Write the horse down.

Then if you went to the site and discovered it was a limited-time
thing, maybe secretly go and get one, making sure it's not just like
her sister's, and stash it in secret at someone else's house so you're
not tempted to get it and give it to her before her birthday. But in
such a case, I'm guessing by the time her birthday came she would be
on to wanting something different.

How did the younger sister feel about her horse not being exclusive
anymore?

-=-And there's a part of me that feels angry toward her for being
selfish ( I know that sounds terrible).-=-

It doesn't sound terrible. Maybe think of it as frustrated instead of
angry, but parents are human. You were, that day, celebrating the
birth of your younger daughter. YOU were there when the baby was
born. But the older sister was enduring another celebration of the
day she stopped being an only child. People who weren't firstborns or
who don't remember childhood probably play that down or can't imagine
how awful it is.

-=-Anyway, how do you decide when to buy something for your children
and when to say no? I've read similar posts where people have said if
the money is there... buy it. But the money can sort of always be
found. Or I can always think of a reason why we should save that money
for something else. This is such a tough one for me because I am a bit
frugal when it comes to spending for myself. It's hard for me to have
children who want something everytime we go to the store. -=-

If you used to say no and now they know you're trying to say yes, they
will want more for a while. You wound up the "need" launcher, and the
rubber band got tighter and tighter and instead of unwinding it gently
(gradual change) you launched it all at once, so they went past the
mark you had envisioned.

-=-I just feel at some point this spending needs to be slowed. I did
tell my daughter that we have only so much money to spend each month,
and that I wanted to make sure this horse was something that she
REALLY wanted and that she would be happy with the purchase.-=-

You asked her while she was in the midst of a big pout. Writing it
down and asking her a day or two later might have netted you a sweeter
and more rational response.

-=-What's frustrating, too, is that she saw all this other stuff on
the website that she wanted to get when I purchased the horse. So even
though I was able to say "yes" to the horse, I was also saying "no" to
the outfits she wanted for it. Ugh.-=-

You could have written those down on a list. Maybe the outfits are
still available after the "special" period expires?

-=--I just feel at some point this spending needs to be slowed.-=-

Spending could be stopped, not just slowed. What can't be reasonably
slowed is joyful attention and filling them with input, ideas,
opportunities, music, visions, games, stories...
http://sandradodd.com/checklists

Instead of changing the parenting, first get the unschooling going!
Than gradually change other things.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny Cyphers

***I want her to know without a doubt that her needs are very important and that
I am her partner in life and will always do my best to help her have her wants
and needs met. However, I also feel that at some point, I want her to understand
that money doesn't grow on trees. (That's the "old me" talking - pre-unschooling
thoughts I guess). And there's a part of me that feels angry toward her for
being selfish ( I know that sounds terrible).

Anyway, how do you decide when to buy something for your children and when to
say no?***

I would've just bought the horse in the first place. You took her out to get
books, cards and dinner. It seems that money could have been spent, in the
first place, on what she REALLY wanted, a trip to Build-A-Bear. I understand
the desire to create a birthday gift that feels special to the birthday person,
but I seriously doubt that a 4 yr old would care if her older sister got
something too. In fact, it might have added to the birthday fun for the little
sister, to have her older sister there giving input and adding interesting ideas
for playing with the new toys. Was that the only gift for the little sister?
It might have been the only gift for the older sister, but the birthday girl
probably got many other gifts from mom and dad and other relatives and friends.

Instead of seeing selfishness, see it as something that would enhance the play
time between sisters. How cool that they are interested in the same thing to
play! You have no idea how lucky you are! Maybe the older girl doesn't get
jealous, maybe she really wants the ultimate play happiness with her younger
sister, so when her younger gets something that she sees as really fun to play
with, with her sister, she wants it too because she sees how awesome that would
be to play with together. Perhaps think more in line with gifts that are for
both of them with pieces that might be separate. Build-A-Bear is a perfect
example actually! They each have their dolls and all the clothing and
accessories can be shared.

This is how I grew up. My sister is almost exactly one year younger than me.
We shared almost everything and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Gifts were almost always given as sets, not unlike someone would do for twins.
It helped that our birthdays are about 3 weeks apart. It wasn't until we were
much older, teens, that we started wanting things more separate.

Take advantage of it while you can! Really!





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

plaidpanties666

"gkcollins321" <gkcollins321@...> wrote:
> I have a 7 year-old daughter who is very jeolous any time her 4 year-old sister gets something that she does not have.
****************

How does the 4yo feel about it? If she's sanguine, then it can be easier to get things in pairs, or things that are almost-the-same. Sometimes an older child can need more care and reassurance that she or he is still loved, even with the little one around.

With birthdays, sometimes it can work to give a gift or do something fun with other kids, but it depends a whole lot on the child - and the degree of "specialness" of the birthday too. Taking one child to build-a-bear is pretty darned special, I can see where that would leave another child with hurt feelings if they then have to wait months to get the same special day and gift.

>> But the money can sort of always be found.

Then budget for two of everything for awhile. You said you wanted her to know that "money doesn't grow on trees" but it doesn't seem like you have a good understanding, in your own mind, what the edges or limits of your finances are. There aren't really clear reasons or guidelines for spending - that's common for a Lot of people! We base spending decisions on lots of very fluid feelings about things, and that's baffling to children. Why yes to this but no to that? Why no now but yes ten minutes agor? Or later? Do as much as you can do to make the process seem reasonable and sensible to your kids.

For some people that takes the form of an allowance - figure out how much and then the kids get total control over how to spend it. Another strategy (not exclusive of the allowance idea, they can work together) is to help kids understand where the money comes from and how its spent, and bring them into the process to some extent. No one strategy is inherently better - it depends on the kids - the important thing is to help them understand the mysterious puzzle of household finances.

---Meredith

k

Jenny I had the same reaction to this situation. I'm 14 months older
than my nearest age sibling (sister). We always had the same kinds of
gifts for holidays and birthdays. Though our birthdays were further
apart than that of you and your sibling, they were often celebrated
simultaneously especially if we traveled to see relatives, since my
sister's birthday is so close to Christmas. We played together all the
time until we hit about 9 or 10, after which I stuck my nose in books
while my sister sat listening to adults talking.

~Katherine




On Wed, Jul 21, 2010 at 3:39 PM, Jenny Cyphers <jenstarc4@...> wrote:
> ***I want her to know without a doubt that her needs are very important and that
> I am her partner in life and will always do my best to help her have her wants
> and needs met. However, I also feel that at some point, I want her to understand
> that money doesn't grow on trees. (That's the "old me" talking - pre-unschooling
> thoughts I guess). And there's a part of me that feels angry toward her for
> being selfish ( I know that sounds terrible).
>
> Anyway, how do you decide when to buy something for your children and when to
> say no?***
>
> I would've just bought the horse in the first place. You took her out to get
> books, cards and dinner. It seems that money could have been spent, in the
> first place, on what she REALLY wanted, a trip to Build-A-Bear. I understand
> the desire to create a birthday gift that feels special to the birthday person,
> but I seriously doubt that a 4 yr old would care if her older sister got
> something too. In fact, it might have added to the birthday fun for the little
> sister, to have her older sister there giving input and adding interesting ideas
> for playing with the new toys. Was that the only gift for the little sister?
> It might have been the only gift for the older sister, but the birthday girl
> probably got many other gifts from mom and dad and other relatives and friends.
>
> Instead of seeing selfishness, see it as something that would enhance the play
> time between sisters. How cool that they are interested in the same thing to
> play! You have no idea how lucky you are! Maybe the older girl doesn't get
> jealous, maybe she really wants the ultimate play happiness with her younger
> sister, so when her younger gets something that she sees as really fun to play
> with, with her sister, she wants it too because she sees how awesome that would
> be to play with together. Perhaps think more in line with gifts that are for
> both of them with pieces that might be separate. Build-A-Bear is a perfect
> example actually! They each have their dolls and all the clothing and
> accessories can be shared.
>
> This is how I grew up. My sister is almost exactly one year younger than me.
> We shared almost everything and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
> Gifts were almost always given as sets, not unlike someone would do for twins.
> It helped that our birthdays are about 3 weeks apart. It wasn't until we were
> much older, teens, that we started wanting things more separate.
>
> Take advantage of it while you can! Really!
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>

gkcollins321

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>*** Seven is very young, but seven is also old enough to be told not to
> ruin someone else's birthday. If she couldn't be sweeter to her
> sister on the sister's birthday, I think finding her something to do
> in another room would be better than having her right there.***

We did this. My hubby spent time upstairs talking with her while I opened presents and celebrated with the b-day girl. It worked out well. >
>*** I'm sorry confusion ensued. It often does, when parents move too
> quickly into areas they don't yet understand, and it confuses the
> children too, if one day there are rules, and the next day the parents
> are a confused mess. :-)***
>

It seems I'm only really confused when it comes to spending money - am I the only one with a block when it comes to money? I enjoy spending time with the kids, talking, playing, doing. I can give them all the time and love in the world... just have a hard time applying unschooling to their material desires. I've thought about doing an allowance (not tied to any chores, of course), but I feel bad even saying things like, "okay well save your allowance" because then I still feel that this is something a conventional parent does. Not giving freely to the child but making them save. I can remember my mom bursting my bubble with this line. I wanted something right then, knew she could make it happen, but was made to wait until I earned the money for myself. Any more thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.
>
>
>*** How did the younger sister feel about her horse not being exclusive
> anymore?***

I did ask her if it was okay if her big sister got the same horse. She said that would be great and that they could be "twins". I'm feeling better about my decision. We've had a great day (back to normal). The girls have played wonderfully together, as usual, and I've gotten lots of hugs from all the girls today. Knowing my daughter, had I not gotten the horse for her, we'd still be going round and round over her wanting this horse. She's not one to just get over something like this:)
>
>*** But the older sister was enduring another celebration of the
> day she stopped being an only child. People who weren't firstborns or
> who don't remember childhood probably play that down or can't imagine
> how awful it is.***

I think this is why I chose to buy her the horse. I was the first-born. Five years later, my sister came along and ruined everything -- just kidding. But really, I remember feeling jealous of the time my parents spent with my little sister, things they said to her, etc. I know that my eldest is struggling with this, too. She's made comments lately like, "you never tell me how good my drawings are" when I complement her sister on something she made.

I am grateful for this list.

Thank you all for your insight.

Gretchen

>

gkcollins321

--- In [email protected], Jenny Cyphers <jenstarc4@...> wrote:
>
\*** My sister is almost exactly one year younger than me.
> We shared almost everything and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
> Gifts were almost always given as sets, not unlike someone would do for twins.
> It helped that our birthdays are about 3 weeks apart. It wasn't until we were
> much older, teens, that we started wanting things more separate. ***

This along with another response from Meredith has made me think... I may start celebrating my oldest's b-day in the summer. Her b-day is right after Christmas, which is sort of a bummer in my mind. Her dad and both of her sisters have birthdays that all fall in the same week in July. So I think to her it may seem as if everyone is getting gifts but her when July rolls around. Her b-day sort of blends in with Christmas as it is. Maybe she could have her party and get the bulk of her gifts in summer with the rest of the family:). This past Christmas I made sure she and her sister got pretty much all of the same things. It worked great. I could do this for birthdays as well.
>
Thank you for all of the great thoughts.

Gretchen
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

Pam Sorooshian

I have 3 girls about three years apart.

I just asked Rosie and Ros (now 19 and 22) to respond to this post.

They both said that at that age they'd have been really disappointed and
felt very left out if their sister was taken out for her birthday by
grandparents - to go to Build a Bear and have dinner just alone with
them. They felt like we didn't do that kind of thing - that birthdays
were a time for us all to celebrate that person being born, together. We
didn't just shower the one birthday girl with a lot of gifts - we
celebrated together. So, for example, we'd go to a special show
together. Or we'd go to Adventure City (which is a little kid amusement
park), or we'd have a picnic together or something.

They said that knowing you have a child who already tends to be envious,
that this was a set-up for a bad response and it is better if parents
think ahead and set their kids up for success. (I want to add that THIS
is what I think is the best advice possible - set your kids up for success.)

They also both said it would have been a lot more fun for both girls if
they both had gotten to go to build-a-bear together and get toys they
could play with together and that by the time mom took the 7 yo to her
favorite restaurant and bought her cards and then eventually got her the
build-a-bear animal, too, she really could have just gone along in the
first place. It could have been really sweet - grandparents taking the
girls to celebrate (together) the 4 yo's birthday.

They said when they were older that they never felt envious of their
siblings getting cool gifts for their birthdays - that they always
looked forward and were excited about what their sisters got, because
the knew they would also get to play with it. So they were wondering if
there is a lot of emphasis on who gets what in the fthe family.

They also thought that mom should have been sympathetic about the 7 yo
being disappointed in not being invited to go with grandparents and
sister to Build-a-Bear and to dinner, but shouldn't have tried to make
up for it by buying other stuff for her - they said that was never going
to work because her feelings were hurt about being left out of the
excitement and nothing she could buy would change that. They thought the
best thing would be to be sympathetic and talk about how she would want
to celebrate birthdays, instead of one kid going out alone with
grandparents - what else could be done? Then, put on a movie or
something and just distract her so that time would go by.

If grandparents are the ones initiating taking out just one kid for
their birthday - try to dissuade them and, instead, have a family
celebration with all of you together. When the girls are older,
they'll understand better that they'll each get their turn and they'll
better tolerate being the one left out.

As far as the child wanting to buy lots of stuff, they pointed out that,
for kids, it only makes sense to keep asking for anything and everything
they want because they can't really make sense out of when parents will
say yes and when they'll say no. So - there's nothing wrong with a kid
asking a lot - it is rational behavior for a kid who hasn't been
discouraged from doing it. But they said they remember me talking to
them about it being okay to ask, but that they should be courteous and
kind about it. They remember me saying that it was hard to explain why
it was sometimes okay and sometimes not okay to buy things - that it had
to do with how much money I'd already spent that week or that month and
that sometimes we'd already spent a lot and I couldn't afford something
that maybe the next week or month we could afford. I told them, they
remember, that I always wanted to buy them everything I could.

They remember me telling them that it wasn't nice to keep asking if I
said, "Not today or not now." They remember me keeping a list in my
purse to write things down on that they wanted so they wouldn't forget
and they said part of the reason for wanting something right NOW is that
- that they know that it might be forgotten. (There is an online site
called "Listigator" that might be really fun for making lists of things
people want to buy or make or do or places to go or things they want to
play, etc.)

They also said you can't make someone not be disappointed that you don't
buy something immediately, but that it makes a big difference knowing
that their wants are taken seriously and a good way to show that is to
go back and get something they seem to really want and give it as a
gift. After that happens a time or two or three, the disappointment will
be less because the real possibility of still getting it later will be
there, too.

Mostly, though, they thought it really wasn't that nice to take the
younger child off to celebrate her birthday with grandparents, leaving
the older sister behind to just imagine the fantastic good time her
sister was having without her. They get the idea of the birthday girl
getting the special treat - but think the reality for little kids is to
create a have/have not situation when it would have been easy to create
a joyful sense of celebrating together, instead.

Grandparents could have said, "To celebrate your birtday (4 yo) we're
going to take you and your sister to Build-a-Bear so you can both get
stuffed animals to play with together." The girls could have gotten twin
horses, for example, and then that would have set up the older one to be
happy for the younger one.

We used to take kids to a musical for their birthdays, quite frequently.
Or to the kiddie amusement park. We didn't just take the birthday girl
we took the birthday girl and her sisters (and sometimes a friend or a
few friends). They had fun together. We never had big parties where one
kid was opening a huge pile of gifts and the others getting nothing -
not until they were much older. Even if one was getting just a handful
of gifts, we'd wrap up a gift or two for the other girls and call them
their "sister birthday" presents.

They eventually began to like to see their sisters get gifts - these
days they think about what they're getting each other and they are
genuinely happy when their sisters get something they like a lot.

Sorry - this is a little rambling - I was trying to take notes while
they were talking about it.

-pam

Pam Sorooshian

On 7/21/2010 10:40 PM, Pam Sorooshian wrote:
> I just asked Rosie and Ros (now 19 and 22) to respond to this post.

Rosie and Roxana

-pam

gkcollins321

--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>

>
> ***They said when they were older that they never felt envious of their
> siblings getting cool gifts for their birthdays - that they always
> looked forward and were excited about what their sisters got, because
> the knew they would also get to play with it. So they were wondering if
> there is a lot of emphasis on who gets what in the fthe family.***

No, I don't think so.? I always try to buy 2 or 3 of the same things each time I buy something. (I have 3 girls ages 7, 4, 2). But lately I have noticed them struggling more with what they play with at home. Let me explain ... My first-born was showered with gifts for the first 4 years of her life - probably due to the fact that she was an only grandchild for a while. So by the time my 2nd daughter was born, we had a toy for every occasion.:) Instead of buying duplicates of toys when my second was born, they always just shared toys. This was never a problem. Now I notice if the middle child is playing with something that my oldest wants, she (the oldest) will say,"but that's mine, Mimi got that for me", and want it back. I've tried explaining to both girls how nice it makes people feel to share, but I just think this concept is lost on a 4 and 7 year-old most of the time. So lately, I have been respecting the fact that those toys were hers 1st, and telling her that it would be nice if she shared but that if she didn't want to, she didn't have to, and she should take the toys she is unwilling to share into her room and put them where nobody else could reach them. (We have a seperate gameroom where most of the toys are kept.) I had always had this romantic idea in my mind that the girls would always share all toys happily...even though when I was young it would have killed me to have to share my really special things with my younger sister. And it would be easier, I think, if my older daughter only had a problem sharing certain special-to-her things, but lately it's even stuff she never cared about before (and probably forgot she even ever had). Maybe this is even harder for me because so much of the time they play so beautifully together, and love each other so much. It's hard for me to see them fight. Hope that made some sense!:)

Any more thoughts would be so helpful.
Thank you,
Gretchen
>
>*** They also thought that mom should have been sympathetic about the 7 yo
> being disappointed in not being invited to go with grandparents and
> sister to Build-a-Bear and to dinner, but shouldn't have tried to make
> up for it by buying other stuff for her - they said that was never going
> to work because her feelings were hurt about being left out of the
> excitement and nothing she could buy would change that. ***

Oh and it's even worse because Build a Bear is something special the grandparents have done every year with my oldest on HER birthday. Last year was the first year they said they wanted to take my 2nd daughter for her b-day without the 1st. I asked my in-laws if my older daughter could go too, and gave her money to buy her own bear that year. They both had a blast last year. I should have done the same thing this year. I think she felt more hurt by not being invited to go along than I had originally imagined. Hindsight is 20/20.:(

Gretchen

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jul 21, 2010, at 10:30 PM, gkcollins321 wrote:

> I may start celebrating my oldest's b-day in the summer. Her b-day
> is right after Christmas

Does she want you to? I suggested it to my sister whose birthday is
just after Christmas and she had no interest.

Instead of getting her to change, put in extra effort at protecting
that special day of hers. Putting in the effort will feel more like
love and respect than suggesting that someone had picked an
inconvenient day to be born (even if in your head you're thinking it's
inconvenient for them instead of you.)

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=->*** How did the younger sister feel about her horse not being
exclusive
> anymore?***

-=-I did ask her if it was okay if her big sister got the same horse.
She said that would be great and that they could be "twins". I'm
feeling better about my decision.-=-

For me, that's the big factor--whether the younger girl felt better or
worse about another horse.

There were a few years when my sister wanted whatever I had, and I
wanted to have what my sister didn't have. We've talked about it
since, and I wish I could go back and be nicer, but if we were asked
what kind of soda we wanted and she said coke and I said orange, she
would say "I want orange too," and then I didn't want orange anymore.
I felt fully crowded and nullified by my sister and two female cousins
our age. I had been a big deal the first few years, and then they had
another baby and within three-to-five years (it was gradual) I became
the second of four girls.

My mom wasn't into finding creative solutions. She used to give us all
the very same gifts at Christmas. The only way I could get a surprise
was to turn my back and not look at what other people were opening.

Surely in reaction to that in my life, the first time we gave our kids
the same gifts at Christmas was Holly and Marty getting the same
laptop the year after Kirby moved away. I warned them these were the
same and told them to open them at the same time. Usually we go
around and take turns so each person's gift opening has admiring
witnesses.

No doubt my own history with careless gift giving and disregard for my
feelings colors my ideas about people wanting the very same thing
someone else has.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

k

>>>Now I notice if the middle child is playing with something that my oldest wants, she (the oldest) will say,"but that's mine, Mimi got that for me", and want it back. I've tried explaining to both girls how nice it makes people feel to share, but I just think this concept is lost on a 4 and 7 year-old most of the time.<<<

I know what you mean. I have an only child. I think what you're seeing
is developmental. Karl used to be very indiscriminating about toys and
what belonged to who and what it was for. He used to willing share
whatever with anybody without even thinking about it... sure why not,
let's play-- that was the idea. But then he turned 4 and realized more
and more and said more often what the intended purpose of things were,
and after that he began to notice that certain things belong to him
and other things belong to others (well, he noticed before but this
seemed a more definite understanding of how ownership often pans out
in our culture. And it's different from culture to culture--- which he
probably still *doesn't* know or hasn't experienced yet).

His 4th birthday, he barely understood what birthdays and gifts were
about because he didn't get the idea of a birthday being just one day,
so of course we enjoyed celebrating a lowkey birthweek or birthmonth
with him. He was having fun with the idea of spending time mentioning
that it was his birthday. We didn't pile him up with gifts because he
got stuff all the time, being an only child, and getting more would
have been lost or not really special or different.

His 5th birthday he understood more about one being born on a
particular day. We still did the birthweek thing for the fun of it.
Same with his 6th birthday. And then we had added half-birthdays at
Christmas just for the heck of it. Still not a big gift focus. He just
had his 7th birthday. The way the focus wasn't on gifts was that right
after dinner we had celebrated with cake and all the kids (we were at
his cousins' house) disbanded to play while the adults hung out
talking for a while. Karl circled back around on his way to something
else, looking a bit at loose ends and his aunt handed him a gift to
open. It wasn't done while other kids were looking on. He got to open
gifts he was thrilled about and though he didn't fill the water gun
and start shooting it right then, he had something to look forward to,
and boy was he happy!

I think many times, adults think the proper way to do birthdays is to
make a big deal and a huge focus, to really do it up big, with cake
and food galore and decorations and so forth and so on. It can be a
lot of fun that way if it works out for the ones being celebrated and
doesn't add stress to their relationships with family and friends.
Lots of people have not only family but also as many of the kid's
friends involved too, and that can be even tougher to balance. Then
there are even more kids who want to play with usually not very many
birthday gifts to share with others.

I know of one family whose child carefully invited friends to her
birthday party and got little secret thank you gifts she knew her
invitees would like, and that was a hit. Maybe that could be done with
the sisters too? After the big special Build-A-Bear thing, you could
make a special sister-to-sister tea party with little secret thank you
gifts, sticker sets, candy bags or small gifts to share and play with.

You could even call it a celebration on the oldest's half-birthday
since her day is around Christmas and then do the same for the younger
child come Christmas time. I think it was last year that I came across
the idea of 12 days of Christmas and heard that some people make
little candy/toy ornamental gifts wrapped to hang on the tree and
every day of that time, children could pick an "ornament" to open.
That was how we did Karl's half-birthday which is right before
Christmas and we may do it again this year.

~Katherine

k

>>>Now I notice if the middle child is playing with something that my oldest wants, she (the oldest) will say,"but that's mine, Mimi got that for me", and want it back. I've tried explaining to both girls how nice it makes people feel to share, but I just think this concept is lost on a 4 and 7 year-old most of the time.<<<

I know what you mean. I have an only child. I think what you're seeing
is developmental. Karl used to be indiscriminate and totally easygoing
about toys and what belonged to who and what it was for. He used to
willing share whatever with anybody without even thinking about it...
sure why not, let's play-- that was the idea.

But then he turned 4 and realized more and said more often what the
intended purpose of things were, and later on after that he began to
notice that certain things belong to him and other things belong to
others (he noticed a little before but this seemed a more definite
understanding of how ownership often pans out in our culture. And it's
different from culture to culture--- which he still doesn't know or
hasn't experienced yet).

So on his 4th birthday, he barely understood what birthdays and gifts
were about because he didn't get the idea of a birthday being just one
day, so of course we enjoyed celebrating a lowkey birthweek or
birthmonth with him. He was having fun with the idea of having
conversation just to mention that it was his birthday. We didn't pile
him up with gifts because he got stuff all the time, being an only
child, and getting more would have been lost or not really special or
different.

His 5th birthday he understood more about being born on a particular
day. We still did the birthweek thing for the fun of it. Same with his
6th birthday. And then we added half-birthdays at Christmas just for
the heck of it. Still not a big gift focus.

He just had his 7th birthday. Right after dinner we celebrated with
cake and all the kids (we were at his cousins' house) disbanded after
eating to play while the adults hung out talking for a while. Karl
circled back around on his way to something else, looking a bit at
loose ends, and his aunt handed him a gift to open. It wasn't done
while other kids were looking on. He got to open gifts he was thrilled
about and though he didn't fill the water gun and start shooting it
right then, he had something to look forward to, and boy was he happy!

I think many times, adults think the proper way to do birthdays is to
make a big deal and a huge focus, to really do it up big, with cake
and food galore and decorations and so forth and so on. Often that's
about what the adults wanted when they were kids. It can be a lot of
fun that way if it works out for the ones being celebrated and doesn't
add stress to their relationships with family and friends. Lots of
people have not only family but also as many of the kid's friends
involved too, and that can be even tougher to balance. Then there are
even more kids who want to play with usually not very many birthday
gifts to share.

I know of one family whose child carefully invited friends to her
birthday party and got little secret thank you gifts she knew her
invitees would like, and that was a hit. Maybe that could be done with
the sisters too? After the big special Build-A-Bear thing, you could
make a special sister-to-sister tea party with little secret thank you
gifts, sticker sets, candy bags or small gifts to share and play with.

You could even call it a celebration on the oldest's half-birthday
since her day is around Christmas and then do the same for the younger
child come Christmas time. I think it was last year that I came across
the idea of 12 days of Christmas and heard that people used to make
little candy/toy ornamental gifts wrapped to hang on the tree and
every day of that time, one could pick an "ornament" to open. That was
how we did Karl's half-birthday which is right before Christmas and we
may do it again this year.

My grandmother used to do Christmas in August. It was started as an
evangelism thing done at her church and she just liked the idea of
specially celebrating in the middle of the year for fun (she was not
an evangelist). So she decorated a table up with a tiny tree, made
food, and I forget what else but it was cute. It suited her love of
crafts and social gatherings. She invited neighbors to come. It was a
nice excuse to have a party. :)

~Katherine

otherstar

>>>They both said that at that age they'd have been really disappointed and
felt very left out if their sister was taken out for her birthday by
grandparents - to go to Build a Bear and have dinner just alone with
them. They felt like we didn't do that kind of thing - that birthdays
were a time for us all to celebrate that person being born, together.<<<

We just celebrated my oldest daughter's 9th birthday and the one thing she wanted for her birthday was to go out with just me. She wanted to go to the mall and have lunch and go shopping. She specifically asked me if we she could go without her sisters. She is the oldest of 4 so she wanted to go into the stores that we tend to avoid because the younger ones aren't quite ready to go into them yet. We know that our 6 year old gets jealous rather easily. I asked my 9 year old if her 6 year old sister could go. She was adamant that she wanted it to be just me and her. We handled it by turning the time that we were gone into getting ready for a surprise party. My husband and the 3 younger girls got the house ready to surprise us when we got home. My husband and I talked about how much fun it would be to surprise her big sister. We also had guests arrive early enough to hang out with them for a while. We also let our 6 year old in on all of the birthday secrets including the presents that her sister got. Part of getting ready for the party involved blowing up balloons and experimenting with helium. They had so much fun getting ready for us to come home that they didn't really notice that we were gone. The stuff that we bought while out didn't really get noticed because there was so much activity when we got home.

The best part of my date with my daughter was when she found something that her little sister had really been wanting. She was so excited to have found it that she asked me if we could get it for her little sister. She told me that her little sister would really love and that it would help her to not feel so left out. I thought that was really nice of her. I think it comes from the fact that we try to be sensitive to each other as a family. Once everyone left that evening, my daughter was able to give her little sister the present she had picked up for her. It was great.

Whenever we go out and find something cool that we can afford, we buy it on the spot. There have been times that we have had to say no because we know that we can get it cheaper online. Or, we have to say no because we have to wait another week or two until pay day. Time and time again we have purchased items so my kids know that when I tell them no because of money, they trust that I am telling them the truth and am not just using it as an excuse. I grew up in a house where my parents would say that we couldn't afford something yet they always seemed to find the money for their sodas and for their cigarettes and for their toys. When they told me no, it always felt like they were being arbitrary.

>>>They said that knowing you have a child who already tends to be envious, that this was a set-up for a bad response and it is better if parents
think ahead and set their kids up for success. (I want to add that THIS
is what I think is the best advice possible - set your kids up for success.)<<<

That is precisely why we were able to take one kid out. We know that our 6 year old is very envious. We tried to find things to do BEFORE she got upset. We planned it into our day because we didn't want her to take away her big sister's spot light. Our 6 year old was the birthday assistant and she got to help dad with the house and her little sisters. Her role was important but it didn't diminish her sisters spot light. She felt really special sharing the birthday surprise secrets with us.

>>>They also thought that mom should have been sympathetic about the 7 yo
being disappointed in not being invited to go with grandparents and
sister to Build-a-Bear and to dinner<<<

Was all of this sprung on the 7 year old on the day of the birthday? I find that giving people fair warning about what is going to happen helps ease some of the negative feelings. I talked to my 6 year old about going out with her big sister in advance. I told her that I had asked her big sister if she could go too but that her sister wanted time alone with just me. She wasn't happy about it but I sympathized with her. We talked about what she got to do on her birthday and how cool her birthday was. We talked about how she could help us make her big sister's birthday just as cool and special. This was done well in advance of the birthday so that on the day of the birthday it wasn't unexpected. It gave her time to digest her disappointment and talk about it. It gave her the opportunity to grouse about it in the days leading up to the birthday. It gave her and her sister a chance to talk about it too. It also gave me an opportunity to talk to her about the secret birthday stuff. We didn't buy my 6 year old anything to make up for not getting to go out with me and her big sister. We found a way for her to be excited about it. We found a way to make her feel special. In the days leading up to the birthday, my husband and I talked a lot about how special birthdays are. We also reminisced about the birth of ALL of our children so that each one of them could hear how excited we were on the day they were born.

Connie


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pam Sorooshian

On 7/21/2010 7:19 PM, gkcollins321 wrote:
> then I still feel that this is something a conventional parent does.

Sometimes unschoolers reject some very cool activities because they seem
too schoolish (cuisinairre rods, for example, which can be fun toys).
Sometime they reject ideas that seem schoolish (happened in a discussion
about critical thinking, once). And sometimes parents are monitoring
themselves for signs of conventional knee-jerk parenting and they hear
those old conventional lines going in their head and they push them
away, "No no no not going to be conventional." It is a reaction against
something, rather than a moving toward something, and leaves the parent
feeling helpless and not knowing what to do instead.

That's what I think is happening here when it comes to buying stuff -
mom doesn't want to be conventional, doesn't want to be arbitrary about
what she'll buy or not buy. But if the policy is "Don't be arbitrary,"
it leaves a big huge gaping hole in the process - how DO we decide when
to buy and when not to buy in a way that isn't arbitrary?

First, you have to gear your responses to the kids, themselves - your
kids and their personalities and ages and stages of development. People
here can give lots and lots of ideas, you should pick through them and
try the ones you think make sense for your kids right now, and save the
others in the back of your mind for the future when they might be useful
as the kids grow and change.

Second, if you are handling money in a very unconscious and arbitrary
way - spending without at least some kind of budget or plan (in your
head, at least, if not wrtten), then your choices ARE arbitrary and
capricious and your kids will be justified in being frustrated. So - it
could be you would benefit from sitting down and talking with your
spouse and maybe older kids about household money. It will help them to
know that there is reason and thoughtful choice behind the decisions,
even if they don't fully understand.

Third - give them as much information as they are interested in
knowing about how money works - little kids do NOT at all understand it.
They really do not know why you can't just go to the ATM and get more if
you're low on money right now. They figure you can use a credit card and
spend whatever you want. The whole monetary system is not really very
apparent to kids (or to lots of adults who use credit cards like they
are free money instead of pre-approved on-the-spot loans at exorbitant
interest rates).

An idea: it might help you to be very concrete - maybe have an envelope
for "impulse buying" and put the amount you can afford for impulse
buying in it every week. Keep that in your purse. Then you'll have a
budget for that kind of spending and it will be very concrete for the
kids - if it is empty, no impulse buying today. You could use the
outside of the envelope for a wish list.

Fourth - it is okay to say to kids that this whole earning income and
spending it thing is hard to explain and that it will take some years
for them to fully understand it. What they need isn't to fully
understand it right now, but to have confidence and trust that YOU do
and that you are not being selfish or random in your decisions. Maybe be
more understanding that, to kids, parents seem to spend money all the
time on what they want. Some parents DO spend on whatever they want,
while telling their kids they can't afford a candy bar or pack of gum.

Fifth - supporting your children's needs and interests DOES mean going
out of your way and spending money. If there is a voice in your head
saying, "They shouldn't get everything they want, just because they want
it," ask that voice, "Why not?" It will probably say, "They'll be
spoiled," or some variation of that. I was talking to Rosie about this
and remembering how every single time we went to the grocery store or a
drug store or Target or any store that had candy and gum at the check
out, she'd pick something out. For years that was true. She'd ask, I'd
say, "Sure." Usually tic-tacs. She'd spend time while we were standing
in line thoughtfully deciding what to get - thinking about what she'd
most like this time and how was this or that choice last time. It might
have seemed to some parents that spending fifty cents to a dollar extra
on every shopping trip was going to spoil her, but it didn't at all. It
gave her a TON of experience making choices. She is 19 and has had a job
since she was 15 and she's super super good with her money - she gives a
lot of thought to purchases JUST like she's been doing since she was
about 7 years old.

I haven't mentioned this in a long time----I went to Albuquerque and
Sandra picked me up at the airport. We didn't know each other well, yet.
Holly was about 5 or 6 years old and was with Sandra. Holly was wanting
plums. Sandra asked if it was okay with me to stop at the grocery store.
I was very pleased to do that - never been to New Mexico and grocery
stores in different states carry different things and it is interesting
to me. We went in and looked around - no plums. Got back in the car and
Sandra asked if I minded stopping at another store - fine by me, we were
having a great time talking. Still, no plums, so we stopped at one other
store and they had plums. YAY. Holly sat in the back seat eating plums
and was very very happy and not at all grumpy about me taking up her
mom's attention. We spent a long weekend together at a conference and I
learned a LOT, but that trip from the airport stopping at three grocery
stores was an eye-opener in that most parents would probably think it
was going too far to try to satisfy the whim of a little girl.

I thought about that so many times when my little girls wanted something
and I was always very careful not to be dismissive of what they wanted
as "just whims of little girls." And now they're grown and they are
really great with handling money. They are downright careful with their
money. When Roxana spent a few months in France a couple of years ago, I
had to urge her to spend more money on buying things - she was being too
frugal, imo. Rosie has a minimum wage job but still manages to have
hundreds of dollars of savings at any one time and she thinks and thinks
about how to spend it. She is NOT an impulsive buyer at all. She's been
considering buying herself a netbook and has been looking at them for
about 6 months - waited for some new feature to come out and, even when
it did, she didn't rush to buy it but is still comparing and considering
which one she wants. Roya lives on her own and has a real job and
handles all her own money just fine. She bought an economy car and makes
small car payments and has good credit at 25 years old. She's going to
grad school and has been offered student loans and she sat down and
figured out exactly the minimum she felt she woud need to pay for
tuition and books and then how much her monthly payments would be after
she graduated, and whether her expected future income after graduation
would be enough to comfortably make those payments. She and her fiancee
are still considering it - being very responsible in thinking of the future.

Thinking back - lots of times I didn't say no to things but I didn't
exactly say yes, either, but maybe "Well, let's think about it." And
then we'd proceed to kind of list the pros and cons - or I'd offer an
alternative like, "Well, this costs $20, so we could buy this or we
could use that $20 for two kids to get into Adventure City," (somewhere
they'd been wanting to go) and when put as a choice between alternatives
like that the kids would often respond with, "Oh - Adventure City!!" and
let the other thing go. A good approach to money is to think of spending
in terms of the next best thing that could be bought with it - so I did
a lot of giving choices like that, as I recall. That seems a way to get
across the idea of not being able to afford it ALL, while still giving
the kids the chance to make choices.

-pam

Pam Sorooshian

On 7/22/2010 5:40 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
> Usually we go
> around and take turns so each person's gift opening has admiring
> witnesses.

Us too - and slowly, even waiting until pretty much everybody's
attention is on the opener - like if someone runs off to the bathroom,
we'll wait for them to come back before the next person opens a gift. My
kids grew up thinking it was fun to watch other people open presents.

But - there have been times, even still, that a kid wants to make it
very clear something belongs to THEM and is not community property. I
think that's okay and I support it. I was oldest and had two younger
sisters and I remember the resentment of being forced to "share" - it
doesn't make "sharing" into a nice gesture when it is coerced. Builds
resistance and makes it less and less likely a kid will be generous. I
had to get over my negative reaction to a kid being "selfish" and not
show that to the kid, but recognize that urge for ownership as a
legitimate human emotion. It helped to think about neighborliness - I
like being friendly with my neighbors and they're welcome to borrow my
ladder, but they're not welcome to assume that anything of mine is
theirs to borrow. If a neighbor started borrowing too much from me, I'd
become resistant and not want to share at all.

-pam

plaidpanties666

"gkcollins321" <gkcollins321@...> wrote:
>I've tried explaining to both girls how nice it makes people feel to share, but I just think this concept is lost on a 4 and 7 year-old most of the time.
*****************

It feels good to *choose* to share - not so good to feel one "has to" because there's "not enough" to go around.

>>I've thought about doing an allowance (not tied to any chores, of course), but I
feel bad even saying things like, "okay well save your allowance" because then I
still feel that this is something a conventional parent does. Not giving freely
to the child but making them save.
****************

But the idea of an allowance doesn't have to be one of restricting their spending - think of it instead as a tool to demystify the process of making decisions about how to spend money. In order for an allowance to be a useful tool, it helps to give enough to both spend some and save some, so that's something to take into consideration when deciding how much. It's also helpful for parents to "chip in" when a child wants something that's just a little more than he or she can afford (assuming its in the parents' budget). And an allowance shouldn't stop parents from buying things they think the kids might like - its not a substitute for strewing or offering! Its an aid in budgetting for kids and also for parents - you're not stuck thinking "should I say yes or no?" as much and trying to weigh nuances in your head, your kids buy what they want with no strings attached.

---Meredith

Katy Jennings

====Surely in reaction to that in my life, the first time we gave our kids the same gifts at Christmas was Holly and Marty getting the same laptop the year after Kirby moved away.===

I have 2 nieces that have grown up at my house as much as at their own. They are 6 years apart, and from very early on they have usually wanted what the other one had. They are both fairly jealous of each other, and if one got something the other had to have it, and if they got something similar they were sure that the other one had the better one. I have been careful to give them gifts that are either exactly alike, or so different and individual that the other girl would not want it. This has gotten better as they have gotten older, but there is still some of this now, at 24 and 18, especially since the older one has moved back home.
Katy










[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny Cyphers

***Now I notice if the middle child is playing with something that my oldest
wants, she (the oldest) will say,"but that's mine, Mimi got that for me", and
want it back.***

A lot of the toys that Margaux plays with were her sister's toys. They are 7
yrs apart, so, by the time we would have started passing toys on to someone or
somewhere else, there was another child here in our family to pass them onto.
Margaux has always assumed that these toys are hers. There have been a few
times when Chamille has told her, that "no that was mine and this is who I got
it from and this is why I got it and this is why I kept it". It's not as if
Chamille wants any of those toys back, but somewhere inside of her she wants
everyone to know that it belonged to her. The only thing Chamille has held onto
exclusively have been stuffed animals and Pokemon things. She'll let her sister
play with those things, but is very clear about the ownership. Some things she
has given to her sister because she sees how much joy her sister gets from it,
and in a way it brings Chamille joy to watch her little sister enjoy something
that she also enjoyed.

If they were closer in age, I don't know that it would happen like that. Even
my sister and I were clear about ownership of things. We had almost everything
for sharing. We had a horse stable to share, but each of us had our own little
horses that we did not share with each other, same with dolls. We had doll
furniture and other doll accessories that we shared, but the dolls were owned
individually. We shared a room, but we each had our own bed and desks and
dressers and color schemes.

My sister had a special blanket that she carried with her everywhere. I had a
special blanket, but I didn't carry it with me, it generally stayed on my bed.
My sister has been using my blanket with her babies. When I visit, I still
tease her about using *my* blanket. Hers fell apart long ago because it was so
used. Mine is cool old style winnie the pooh. Neither one of us could use it
though, if my mom hadn't saved it. I have a couple of rag dolls that we played
with when we were kids and I have both my sister's and mine because I salvaged
it from a "get rid of" pile that my sister made. I kept it, just in case she
changed her mind about it later. I also salvaged a really hideous plastic angel
that my sister had named "sweetie", one that she insisted be put on the top of
our Christmas tree when we were kids. She finally decided that she didn't like
that angel. I stashed it away in private after I saw one of her kids take an
extreme liking to that thing. The next Christmas, I gifted it to that child, my
sister was annoyed, but her child was elated! My mother was amused and my dad
laughed and laughed because that is how it was when my sister and I were young,
my sister loved that angel and the rest of us thought it was really ugly, but we
let her put it up on the Christmas tree anyway. Here's a picture of that kind
of angel, but her's had white hair and a blue
dress... http://www.worthpoint.com/pmimages/images1/1/0407/04/1_0cd6f8c9fb29f1c50e20782996941cd0.jpg






[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Jul 22, 2010, at 12:17 PM, Pam Sorooshian wrote:

> Maybe be
> more understanding that, to kids, parents seem to spend money all the
> time on what they want. Some parents DO spend on whatever they want,
> while telling their kids they can't afford a candy bar or pack of gum.

Depending on age and how cut off from the process they are, kids will
put groceries, gas, clothes, vacations, new car, paint ... anything
and everything parents buy for the house and family on the parents'
want list. If mom fills a whole cart full of "good" food for the
family when the kids would rather have spaghetti and hot dogs, then
when it comes to a candy bar or 50 cents for the toy machines that
they do want and mom says no, it will come across as stingy, mean and
not sharing. A mom can't explain that away because it really is!

So it helps to see the purchases for the family as what mom wants. It
helps to see that they can't shift their point of view until they're
older *and* feel mom takes their wants as seriously as she does her
own (including writing things down on a want list). It helps to share
with them (like Pam's envelope of spare cash idea among others). It
helps to involve them in deciding. Lots of little things will work
together to temper the feeling there will never be enough (which only
makes it grow bigger.)

Joyce

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

almadoing

--- In [email protected], "gkcollins321" <gkcollins321@...> wrote:
>
>
>
Let me explain ... My first-born was showered with gifts for the first 4 years of her life - probably due to the fact that she was an only grandchild for a while. So by the time my 2nd daughter was born, we had a toy for every occasion.:) Instead of buying duplicates of toys when my second was born, they always just shared toys. This was never a problem. Now I notice if the middle child is playing with something that my oldest wants, she (the oldest) will say,"but that's mine, Mimi got that for me", and want it back. I've tried explaining to both girls how nice it makes people feel to share, but I just think this concept is lost on a 4 and 7 year-old most of the time.


-------

I had this problem with my two boys. I'd always put off buying stuff for my second son when we already had stacks for the older one, including plenty that was more age appropriate for the second one anyway. But when it came down to it my older son would often lay claim to it and I realised that there was very little my second son could call his own.

One day at the beach we had forgotten to pack all the buckets and spades etc so agreed to go to the beach shop to buy new ones. Both boys wanted the same spade and first I suggested different colours, then suggested scratching their initials on the handle (so if one got lost we'd know whose) and then I had a revelation. These were FAMILY spades and buckets, not a set for one child and a set for the other to be fought over in a thousand ways later on. When they understood it this way, they quickly realised that instead of two big buckets they could get one big and one small (better castle design without anyone having to agree to the smaller bucket). After the success of this I now bring a lot more into the home as belonging to the family, even if, in the moment I know it will appeal to one child more than the other. Now they have smaller and more personal birthday gifts, and choose how to spend the day. And other things flow in and out of the home without the same issues of ownership.

Alison
DS1 (nearly 8) and DS2 (5)

otherstar

>>>I'd always put off buying stuff for my second son when we already had stacks for the older one, including plenty that was more age appropriate for the second one anyway. But when it came down to it my older son would often lay claim to it and I realised that there was very little my second son could call his own.<<<

One of the things that I have done is buy the toys from my oldest child so that the younger one could call the toys hers. My oldest didn't want to share the toys with her sister because she wanted to save them for a garage sale. I asked if I could buy the toys from her so that her sister could have them. It was a win-win situation because my younger daughter could claim the toys as her own and the older one got some money for her piggy bank. She has always been a money saver and loves to buy stuff for herself. Now that she is 9, she will announce that she is too old for something and willingly pass it on to her sisters.

Connie




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]