Other Parents Rules At Our House
Julie van der Wekken
My last post, back in May I believe, had to do with neighbor kids coming over and I got lots of good feedback and things have been going very well this summer in regards to 3 different neighbor kids coming over regularly.
One issue that has cropped up recently is that one of the boys that comes over (age 9) is forbidden from playing video games or playing on our computer while he is here. For the past couple years, the parents will usually tell this boy that he has to play outside when he comes here. I guess sometimes they don't tell him he has to play outside, so that's when he plays inside and will play on the computer or play other video games. They have even taken our laptop or DS's out onto the deck outside when his parents say he can't play inside.
Anyway I guess it's come to a head with the parents, because when the boy came over on friday, my son and the other neighbor were playing the Wii and invited this boy to join them. He said "I can't play video games" and turned his head away with a very sullen look:( Then he kept saying "come on guys, I can't play video games, let's go outside". My son ended up stopping and going outside with the boy while the other neighbor continued to play the Wii. After a couple hours my son wanted to show this boy a game on the computer and he said "I can't get on the computer or I'll have to go home", so my son didn't get on the computer. Later that evening after the boy left my son said "H can't get on the computer or play video games anymore while he's here or he can't ever come over again".
My son likes playing with this boy, so he's more than happy not to play computer or video games while he's here, since he can play them whenever he wants to otherwise.
This boy likes being at our house and never invites my son to his house to play because he doesn't want to be there. The parents have even said recently "the boys can play at our house", and their son will say "no, I want to play here" (meaning our house). I guess I just feel bad for this kid, because I think he comes to our house to escape the rules and controls put on him at his own house, and now they've yanked some of that away from him even when he's at our house by forbidding him to get on the computer or play video games while here.
Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and their parents "rules" coming with them?
I know it leaves my sons (ages 8 & 4) perplexed as to why one of their friends wouldn't be able to come to our house for the sole reason of playing on a computer or playing a video game. Like them, I guess I just don't get it.
Julie v.
One issue that has cropped up recently is that one of the boys that comes over (age 9) is forbidden from playing video games or playing on our computer while he is here. For the past couple years, the parents will usually tell this boy that he has to play outside when he comes here. I guess sometimes they don't tell him he has to play outside, so that's when he plays inside and will play on the computer or play other video games. They have even taken our laptop or DS's out onto the deck outside when his parents say he can't play inside.
Anyway I guess it's come to a head with the parents, because when the boy came over on friday, my son and the other neighbor were playing the Wii and invited this boy to join them. He said "I can't play video games" and turned his head away with a very sullen look:( Then he kept saying "come on guys, I can't play video games, let's go outside". My son ended up stopping and going outside with the boy while the other neighbor continued to play the Wii. After a couple hours my son wanted to show this boy a game on the computer and he said "I can't get on the computer or I'll have to go home", so my son didn't get on the computer. Later that evening after the boy left my son said "H can't get on the computer or play video games anymore while he's here or he can't ever come over again".
My son likes playing with this boy, so he's more than happy not to play computer or video games while he's here, since he can play them whenever he wants to otherwise.
This boy likes being at our house and never invites my son to his house to play because he doesn't want to be there. The parents have even said recently "the boys can play at our house", and their son will say "no, I want to play here" (meaning our house). I guess I just feel bad for this kid, because I think he comes to our house to escape the rules and controls put on him at his own house, and now they've yanked some of that away from him even when he's at our house by forbidding him to get on the computer or play video games while here.
Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and their parents "rules" coming with them?
I know it leaves my sons (ages 8 & 4) perplexed as to why one of their friends wouldn't be able to come to our house for the sole reason of playing on a computer or playing a video game. Like them, I guess I just don't get it.
Julie v.
organicmom111
*Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and their parents "rules"
coming with them?*
First, I am with you......I feel bad for the little boy. I dont understand the 'no tv, video game, computer' mentality anyway......Its a shame you cant talk to the parents, or help them see the situation differently. I dont have issues with others 'rules' persay ,but I will say my newphews (there are 2) come over and the first thing they do is disperse, and find a computer or game system to get on. They dont have a computer to play on at their house, and they have an old game system , but dont really have any games to play. (and they dont 'get a new game' when they want it) My mom can barely stand to babysit them because they fight and dont engage in anything for any amount of time, (yet hell play on the computer for 8 hours straight here- I just let him ) and when she picks them up from school for my sis, they are fighting halfway down the street. They fight alot, and my sister is the kind who punishes, coerces, and bends and twists them alot. (lots of needless rules, guilt, etc...) My kids (3 of them) get along beautifully, and the games, etc... are something they enjoy doing together as well as separately. I wish more people would see the benefits of games, computers, dvds, even tv, etc..........
Its great that this kid has your house to come over to, and maybe there is a way for his parents to see things differently. They even have Wii's now in hospital rehab's etc......I think these people arent probably 'hip' to what all is out there and available in the world of multimedia. Maybe enlightening his parents a bit ( if thats possible) might help.?! good luck :)
coming with them?*
First, I am with you......I feel bad for the little boy. I dont understand the 'no tv, video game, computer' mentality anyway......Its a shame you cant talk to the parents, or help them see the situation differently. I dont have issues with others 'rules' persay ,but I will say my newphews (there are 2) come over and the first thing they do is disperse, and find a computer or game system to get on. They dont have a computer to play on at their house, and they have an old game system , but dont really have any games to play. (and they dont 'get a new game' when they want it) My mom can barely stand to babysit them because they fight and dont engage in anything for any amount of time, (yet hell play on the computer for 8 hours straight here- I just let him ) and when she picks them up from school for my sis, they are fighting halfway down the street. They fight alot, and my sister is the kind who punishes, coerces, and bends and twists them alot. (lots of needless rules, guilt, etc...) My kids (3 of them) get along beautifully, and the games, etc... are something they enjoy doing together as well as separately. I wish more people would see the benefits of games, computers, dvds, even tv, etc..........
Its great that this kid has your house to come over to, and maybe there is a way for his parents to see things differently. They even have Wii's now in hospital rehab's etc......I think these people arent probably 'hip' to what all is out there and available in the world of multimedia. Maybe enlightening his parents a bit ( if thats possible) might help.?! good luck :)
--- In [email protected], "Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@...> wrote:
>
> My last post, back in May I believe, had to do with neighbor kids coming over and I got lots of good feedback and things have been going very well this summer in regards to 3 different neighbor kids coming over regularly.
>
> One issue that has cropped up recently is that one of the boys that comes over (age 9) is forbidden from playing video games or playing on our computer while he is here. For the past couple years, the parents will usually tell this boy that he has to play outside when he comes here. I guess sometimes they don't tell him he has to play outside, so that's when he plays inside and will play on the computer or play other video games. They have even taken our laptop or DS's out onto the deck outside when his parents say he can't play inside.
>
> Anyway I guess it's come to a head with the parents, because when the boy came over on friday, my son and the other neighbor were playing the Wii and invited this boy to join them. He said "I can't play video games" and turned his head away with a very sullen look:( Then he kept saying "come on guys, I can't play video games, let's go outside". My son ended up stopping and going outside with the boy while the other neighbor continued to play the Wii. After a couple hours my son wanted to show this boy a game on the computer and he said "I can't get on the computer or I'll have to go home", so my son didn't get on the computer. Later that evening after the boy left my son said "H can't get on the computer or play video games anymore while he's here or he can't ever come over again".
>
> My son likes playing with this boy, so he's more than happy not to play computer or video games while he's here, since he can play them whenever he wants to otherwise.
>
> This boy likes being at our house and never invites my son to his house to play because he doesn't want to be there. The parents have even said recently "the boys can play at our house", and their son will say "no, I want to play here" (meaning our house). I guess I just feel bad for this kid, because I think he comes to our house to escape the rules and controls put on him at his own house, and now they've yanked some of that away from him even when he's at our house by forbidding him to get on the computer or play video games while here.
>
> Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and their parents "rules" coming with them?
>
> I know it leaves my sons (ages 8 & 4) perplexed as to why one of their friends wouldn't be able to come to our house for the sole reason of playing on a computer or playing a video game. Like them, I guess I just don't get it.
>
> Julie v.
>
plaidpanties666
"Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@...> wrote:
To some extent, it doesn't matter if you "get it" - you don't do the boy any service by setting him up for conflict with his parents. It would be kinder to remind your kids that this boy isn't allowed video games when he's expected to come over. Let them know that it doesn't help Him to be shown the games - yes, the rule sucks and you don't agree with the boy's parents, but you can't change them. He's stuck, and its kinder to help him by being discrete about the games, rather than rubbing salt in a wound (as it were).
Its a chance to talk with your kids about decisions and parenting and how not every family is like yours. Its a chance to talk about diversity and how to be thoughtful and kind when people make different choices, choices you don't necessarily agree with!
---Meredith
>> I know it leaves my sons (ages 8 & 4) perplexed as to why one of their friends wouldn't be able to come to our house for the sole reason of playing on a computer or playing a video game. Like them, I guess I just don't get it.**************
To some extent, it doesn't matter if you "get it" - you don't do the boy any service by setting him up for conflict with his parents. It would be kinder to remind your kids that this boy isn't allowed video games when he's expected to come over. Let them know that it doesn't help Him to be shown the games - yes, the rule sucks and you don't agree with the boy's parents, but you can't change them. He's stuck, and its kinder to help him by being discrete about the games, rather than rubbing salt in a wound (as it were).
Its a chance to talk with your kids about decisions and parenting and how not every family is like yours. Its a chance to talk about diversity and how to be thoughtful and kind when people make different choices, choices you don't necessarily agree with!
---Meredith
Sandra Dodd
-=- Let them know that it doesn't help Him to be shown the games -
yes, the rule sucks and you don't agree with the boy's parents, but
you can't change them.=-
I don't think Meredith was recommending saying that to the neighbor
kid, nor will saying it that bluntly to your children add to peace.
They could easily repeat it.
I such cases I used to remind my kids before the visitor was coming
over, and ask if they were willing to do something different with
him. Sometimes Marty would and Kirby would want to stay on the game,
but the kid still had an outdoor playmate.
I used to tell the kids, "Sorry your mom won't let you. Do you want a
sandwich?" I would acknowledge that I knew, and then change the
subject.
Another possibility might be taking all the boys somewhere else--to a
park or something, away from the computers for a while.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
yes, the rule sucks and you don't agree with the boy's parents, but
you can't change them.=-
I don't think Meredith was recommending saying that to the neighbor
kid, nor will saying it that bluntly to your children add to peace.
They could easily repeat it.
I such cases I used to remind my kids before the visitor was coming
over, and ask if they were willing to do something different with
him. Sometimes Marty would and Kirby would want to stay on the game,
but the kid still had an outdoor playmate.
I used to tell the kids, "Sorry your mom won't let you. Do you want a
sandwich?" I would acknowledge that I knew, and then change the
subject.
Another possibility might be taking all the boys somewhere else--to a
park or something, away from the computers for a while.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***My son ended up stopping and going outside with the boy while the other
neighbor continued to play the Wii. After a couple hours my son wanted to show
this boy a game on the computer and he said "I can't get on the computer or I'll
have to go home", so my son didn't get on the computer.***
***My son likes playing with this boy, so he's more than happy not to play
computer or video games while he's here, since he can play them whenever he
wants to otherwise.***
If your son is ok with playing other things, that seems like an acceptable
solution. In the case of a group of kids, and some of the them want to play
video games, then your son can choose which he would prefer, and the other kid
can make his own moral decision of playing or going home.
When kids like that have come over to our house, they usually played other
things. There have been a few friendships that never grew because of all of the
forbidden stuff. Eventually the friendship wasn't as important as WHAT they
played, for Chamille, so she stopped invited those friends over. There wasn't a
common ground to play with.
Chamille's best friend for many years dealt with strict computer rules and
usage. At first I followed the parents rules and that worked ok. As the kids
got older, I figured that the kids could make their own decisions about whether
or not they wanted to follow the rules or not, with whatever potential fallout,
which we talked about many times.
With video games, that was never such a big deal, but with computer related
ANYthing, the draw back with letting kids that aren't allowed to use computers,
is it makes them dangerous computer users. They don't know how to navigate
online territory, they go to sites that could potentially harm your computer and
they explore things that they shouldn't. One such neighbor kid, at a sleep
over, after everyone went to sleep, got online and surfed porn all night. We
found out because it downloaded viruses that killed that computer. I never
allowed her to use our computers again after that. It turns out, that's all she
really wanted from the friendship, so she stopped coming over. Two other kids
did similar things. All three of those kids were either forbidden or had high
computer controls at their own houses.
My own kids have never explored the internet in unsafe ways. They've always
gone to age appropriate sites and have been very careful to not click on
suspicious things.
So, my advice, based on our experiences with kids like that, is IF you allow
them to use your games and computers, is to be upfront about the fact that it is
up to them as to whether or not they want to obey their family rules, that you
won't hide it if asked, and if they use computers, monitor ALL their activities
highly.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
neighbor continued to play the Wii. After a couple hours my son wanted to show
this boy a game on the computer and he said "I can't get on the computer or I'll
have to go home", so my son didn't get on the computer.***
***My son likes playing with this boy, so he's more than happy not to play
computer or video games while he's here, since he can play them whenever he
wants to otherwise.***
If your son is ok with playing other things, that seems like an acceptable
solution. In the case of a group of kids, and some of the them want to play
video games, then your son can choose which he would prefer, and the other kid
can make his own moral decision of playing or going home.
When kids like that have come over to our house, they usually played other
things. There have been a few friendships that never grew because of all of the
forbidden stuff. Eventually the friendship wasn't as important as WHAT they
played, for Chamille, so she stopped invited those friends over. There wasn't a
common ground to play with.
Chamille's best friend for many years dealt with strict computer rules and
usage. At first I followed the parents rules and that worked ok. As the kids
got older, I figured that the kids could make their own decisions about whether
or not they wanted to follow the rules or not, with whatever potential fallout,
which we talked about many times.
With video games, that was never such a big deal, but with computer related
ANYthing, the draw back with letting kids that aren't allowed to use computers,
is it makes them dangerous computer users. They don't know how to navigate
online territory, they go to sites that could potentially harm your computer and
they explore things that they shouldn't. One such neighbor kid, at a sleep
over, after everyone went to sleep, got online and surfed porn all night. We
found out because it downloaded viruses that killed that computer. I never
allowed her to use our computers again after that. It turns out, that's all she
really wanted from the friendship, so she stopped coming over. Two other kids
did similar things. All three of those kids were either forbidden or had high
computer controls at their own houses.
My own kids have never explored the internet in unsafe ways. They've always
gone to age appropriate sites and have been very careful to not click on
suspicious things.
So, my advice, based on our experiences with kids like that, is IF you allow
them to use your games and computers, is to be upfront about the fact that it is
up to them as to whether or not they want to obey their family rules, that you
won't hide it if asked, and if they use computers, monitor ALL their activities
highly.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie van der Wekken
Meredith,
We've had lots of conversations concerning other families and the differences in parenting, and of course my son, especially the 8 year old, sees firsthand himself the differences in regards to our family and other more mainstream families.
The parents have never told us not to let him get on the computer or play video games in the past (he's been coming over to play for 3 years now), they've just told him, sometimes, that he can't play inside (obviously we see now that it is because they didn't want him playing on the computer or video games). It was just on friday that he told my sons that if he were to get on the computer he would never be able to come back.
My son understands that he can't get on the computer now or play video games, even if he doesn't understand the reasoning behind it, and he is o.k. with that and would never make him feel bad because of it. It's not a huge deal because playing on the computer or the video games was never the dominant thing they would be doing, just something in the many various things they do while they play together. I think it's sad that the boy just doesn't even get the choice to choose anymore, the parents have taken that away from him.
Julie v.
We've had lots of conversations concerning other families and the differences in parenting, and of course my son, especially the 8 year old, sees firsthand himself the differences in regards to our family and other more mainstream families.
The parents have never told us not to let him get on the computer or play video games in the past (he's been coming over to play for 3 years now), they've just told him, sometimes, that he can't play inside (obviously we see now that it is because they didn't want him playing on the computer or video games). It was just on friday that he told my sons that if he were to get on the computer he would never be able to come back.
My son understands that he can't get on the computer now or play video games, even if he doesn't understand the reasoning behind it, and he is o.k. with that and would never make him feel bad because of it. It's not a huge deal because playing on the computer or the video games was never the dominant thing they would be doing, just something in the many various things they do while they play together. I think it's sad that the boy just doesn't even get the choice to choose anymore, the parents have taken that away from him.
Julie v.
--- In [email protected], "plaidpanties666" <plaidpanties666@...> wrote:
>
> "Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@> wrote:
> >> I know it leaves my sons (ages 8 & 4) perplexed as to why one of their friends wouldn't be able to come to our house for the sole reason of playing on a computer or playing a video game. Like them, I guess I just don't get it.
> **************
>
> To some extent, it doesn't matter if you "get it" - you don't do the boy any service by setting him up for conflict with his parents. It would be kinder to remind your kids that this boy isn't allowed video games when he's expected to come over. Let them know that it doesn't help Him to be shown the games - yes, the rule sucks and you don't agree with the boy's parents, but you can't change them. He's stuck, and its kinder to help him by being discrete about the games, rather than rubbing salt in a wound (as it were).
>
> Its a chance to talk with your kids about decisions and parenting and how not every family is like yours. Its a chance to talk about diversity and how to be thoughtful and kind when people make different choices, choices you don't necessarily agree with!
>
> ---Meredith
>
Julie van der Wekken
Sandra,
Like I mentioned in my last post, playing on the computer or video games was just one of the many various things the kids do together, so it's just a small piece of the puzzle that will be missing now. Not small I'm sure for the boy who doesn't get the choice, but in the grand scheme of what they do here it was just a small part.
Thanks for the suggestions,
Julie v.
Like I mentioned in my last post, playing on the computer or video games was just one of the many various things the kids do together, so it's just a small piece of the puzzle that will be missing now. Not small I'm sure for the boy who doesn't get the choice, but in the grand scheme of what they do here it was just a small part.
Thanks for the suggestions,
Julie v.
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=- Let them know that it doesn't help Him to be shown the games -
> yes, the rule sucks and you don't agree with the boy's parents, but
> you can't change them.=-
>
> I don't think Meredith was recommending saying that to the neighbor
> kid, nor will saying it that bluntly to your children add to peace.
> They could easily repeat it.
>
>
> I such cases I used to remind my kids before the visitor was coming
> over, and ask if they were willing to do something different with
> him. Sometimes Marty would and Kirby would want to stay on the game,
> but the kid still had an outdoor playmate.
>
> I used to tell the kids, "Sorry your mom won't let you. Do you want a
> sandwich?" I would acknowledge that I knew, and then change the
> subject.
>
> Another possibility might be taking all the boys somewhere else--to a
> park or something, away from the computers for a while.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Julie van der Wekken
I think the main issue is that most parents don't see playing games on the computer or playing video games as educational. Nowadays it has to be labeled "educational" in terms of toys or the parents won't buy it. Of course us unschoolers know very different and see the learning going on every minute of everyday even when computers and video games are concerned, but most in mainstream society don't.
I don't think there's any chance of "enlightening" the parents as I think they wrote us off a few years back when they heard we were going to homeschool our then 6 year old. I guess we're lucky, or the boy is lucky, that he gets to come over here at all. He'll come over and be here sometimes a better part of a day and the parents just yell when it's time for him to come home (they live 2 houses away), so we rarely even see the parents.
Julie v.
I don't think there's any chance of "enlightening" the parents as I think they wrote us off a few years back when they heard we were going to homeschool our then 6 year old. I guess we're lucky, or the boy is lucky, that he gets to come over here at all. He'll come over and be here sometimes a better part of a day and the parents just yell when it's time for him to come home (they live 2 houses away), so we rarely even see the parents.
Julie v.
--- In [email protected], "organicmom111" <cksah@...> wrote:
>
> *Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and their parents "rules"
> coming with them?*
>
> First, I am with you......I feel bad for the little boy. I dont understand the 'no tv, video game, computer' mentality anyway......Its a shame you cant talk to the parents, or help them see the situation differently. I dont have issues with others 'rules' persay ,but I will say my newphews (there are 2) come over and the first thing they do is disperse, and find a computer or game system to get on. They dont have a computer to play on at their house, and they have an old game system , but dont really have any games to play. (and they dont 'get a new game' when they want it) My mom can barely stand to babysit them because they fight and dont engage in anything for any amount of time, (yet hell play on the computer for 8 hours straight here- I just let him ) and when she picks them up from school for my sis, they are fighting halfway down the street. They fight alot, and my sister is the kind who punishes, coerces, and bends and twists them alot. (lots of needless rules, guilt, etc...) My kids (3 of them) get along beautifully, and the games, etc... are something they enjoy doing together as well as separately. I wish more people would see the benefits of games, computers, dvds, even tv, etc..........
> Its great that this kid has your house to come over to, and maybe there is a way for his parents to see things differently. They even have Wii's now in hospital rehab's etc......I think these people arent probably 'hip' to what all is out there and available in the world of multimedia. Maybe enlightening his parents a bit ( if thats possible) might help.?! good luck :)
>
> --- In [email protected], "Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@> wrote:
> >
> > My last post, back in May I believe, had to do with neighbor kids coming over and I got lots of good feedback and things have been going very well this summer in regards to 3 different neighbor kids coming over regularly.
> >
> > One issue that has cropped up recently is that one of the boys that comes over (age 9) is forbidden from playing video games or playing on our computer while he is here. For the past couple years, the parents will usually tell this boy that he has to play outside when he comes here. I guess sometimes they don't tell him he has to play outside, so that's when he plays inside and will play on the computer or play other video games. They have even taken our laptop or DS's out onto the deck outside when his parents say he can't play inside.
> >
> > Anyway I guess it's come to a head with the parents, because when the boy came over on friday, my son and the other neighbor were playing the Wii and invited this boy to join them. He said "I can't play video games" and turned his head away with a very sullen look:( Then he kept saying "come on guys, I can't play video games, let's go outside". My son ended up stopping and going outside with the boy while the other neighbor continued to play the Wii. After a couple hours my son wanted to show this boy a game on the computer and he said "I can't get on the computer or I'll have to go home", so my son didn't get on the computer. Later that evening after the boy left my son said "H can't get on the computer or play video games anymore while he's here or he can't ever come over again".
> >
> > My son likes playing with this boy, so he's more than happy not to play computer or video games while he's here, since he can play them whenever he wants to otherwise.
> >
> > This boy likes being at our house and never invites my son to his house to play because he doesn't want to be there. The parents have even said recently "the boys can play at our house", and their son will say "no, I want to play here" (meaning our house). I guess I just feel bad for this kid, because I think he comes to our house to escape the rules and controls put on him at his own house, and now they've yanked some of that away from him even when he's at our house by forbidding him to get on the computer or play video games while here.
> >
> > Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and their parents "rules" coming with them?
> >
> > I know it leaves my sons (ages 8 & 4) perplexed as to why one of their friends wouldn't be able to come to our house for the sole reason of playing on a computer or playing a video game. Like them, I guess I just don't get it.
> >
> > Julie v.
> >
>
cgeorgenow
--- In [email protected], "Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@...> wrote:
==Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and
their parents "rules" coming with them?==
This is my first time posting, although i've been on the list for almost two years.
We are experiencing a variation of what julie is experiencing: we have family friends whose children have severely restricted tv/video game/computer time at home. they do own all of those devices and they do get to use them at home, but not for long each day, even in the summer. when those kids come to our house, virtually all they want to do is those activities. the parents have said it's okay for them to do those things at our house, so, naturally, they do as much of them as they can because they know we don't restrict them for our kids.
It's a problem for us when my kids want to do something else. my kids can usually pry the other kids away from the screens for a short time, but then ultimately they are only halfheartedly involved in whatever they're doing offline, and they start to gravitate toward the screens again.
I think the parents have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude about their children's use of electronics at our house. the same seems to be true of their feelings about sweets, another thing that is restricted quite a bit at their house but isn't at ours. those kids raid my pantry like you wouldn't believe.
The struggle i have is that my family is still deschooling. my partner and i have worked very hard over the past year or two to change our behavior and to give our kids more choices, and it's going well for us. but i'm concerned that if i step in and restrict time with electronics when the other kids are here or if i start restricting sweets when the other kids are here, i'm going to set my family back a bit on our path to unschooling. on the other hand, if i leave things as they are, i have concerns that by spending time with the other children when they're doing their "binging" thing, my kids might be influenced by them and return to these same types of behaviors, which we have done a lot of work to help them move past.
I've tried preemptive strikes by bringing the group a monkey platter of simple nutritional and yummy choices, with the goal of having them eat some of that food first before they decide on their own to raid the pantry. but the visiting kids look at the platter and say they don't like anything on it and ask if they can have something else. they don't want to touch an apple slice if they can have potato chips instead. they know i'm holding back, and that makes me feel like i'm being manipulative (i guess because i am).
So i sometimes find myself sending my own kids mixed messages when these children are visiting. i'll say things like, i'll bring you some chips and cookies in a little while, after you've had time to snack on this platter. but when just my kids are home, i never say something like that. i guess i'm feeling that the visiting kids are bringing behaviors into my home that we've worked hard to eradicate. and i feel that it's unfair that the other parents have created this behavior with their parenting style, but feel free to let the negative results of it run wild in my home but not in theirs.
I'm not sure how to handle it. i should add that the parents and the kids are great people and that we enjoy their friendship and want to keep it. might this be a case where i should speak to the other parents and let them know it would be easier for me if they had the same rules for their kids at my house that they have for them at their own? i do think it might be easier for me to just say, sorry, your mom doesn't want you to play on the computer now, than for my kids to have to struggle to coax their friends away to do something else for at least part of the play time together.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
Thanks,
cecelia
k
>>>The struggle i have is that my family is still deschooling.<<<It takes a loooong time.
>>>gravitate toward the screens again<<<Maybe don't use the word "screen." It's usually said in a negative
way, as though the screens themselves have some gravitational pull on
the kids.
>>>I've tried preemptive strikes<<<Is your intention to wage war on the kids?
>>>I've tried preemptive strikes by bringing the group a monkey platter of simple nutritional and yummy choices, with the goal of having them eat some of that food first before they decide on their own to raid the pantry. but the visiting kids look at the platter and say they don't like anything on it and ask if they can have something else. they don't want to touch an apple slice if they can have potato chips instead. they know i'm holding back, and that makes me feel like i'm being manipulative (i guess because i am).<<<Just put both on the plate, offer it to them. When the Cousins come
over, either you offer food that they will eat or when they get hungry
they'll raid and of course they'll choose what they want to eat from
what's available on your shelves, unless you forbid them to touch
anything (and for me that would be tricky indeed... I don't think I
would stick to it).
Do you have a popcorn popper? I got mine for $20 and you get them used
at thrift shops if you don't want to spend that much. You could pop a
huge bag of it and offer other similar snacks along with cut fruit,
etc. It's not so expensive (if that's one of the things that's
bothering you). I can see that. It can be expensive. Or maybe what
bothers you is that they are your guests and don't seem to behave in
ways that you want guests to behave? Some of what I'm seeing is that
it's likely to be both that they're not the kind of guests you prefer
and that you might have allowed things to get out of hand, just from
not expecting that things would turn into raiding your shelves for
food. That can happen to anybody and I'm thinking it can be turned
around at least somewhat.
Maybe it's because it's that they are children and this could be what
you are not used to or weren't allowed to be yourself? Part of this
seems likely to be that the deschooling in this area is an opportunity
for you to see that children aren't always empathetic, especially if
it's not (and for some, even when it IS) their parents/siblings.
Empathy develops within relationships. Maybe the empathy you wish to
see can be shown to them and they will eventually reciprocate to their
aunt when they visit?
Have you noticed that you are separating fruit/whole foods from things
like chips and sweets? The fact that you do will have more influence
on your children than what their cousins choose to eat!
The fact that you're thinking (maybe even saying) "screens" will have
more influence on your family life and unschooling progress than what
the cousins gravitate to.
~Katherine
On Mon, Jul 19, 2010 at 4:59 AM, cgeorgenow <cgeorgenow@...> wrote:
> --- In [email protected], "Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@...> wrote:
>
> ==Does anyone else have issues with friends coming over and
> their parents "rules" coming with them?==
>
> This is my first time posting, although i've been on the list for almost two years.
>
> We are experiencing a variation of what julie is experiencing: we have family friends whose children have severely restricted tv/video game/computer time at home. they do own all of those devices and they do get to use them at home, but not for long each day, even in the summer. when those kids come to our house, virtually all they want to do is those activities. the parents have said it's okay for them to do those things at our house, so, naturally, they do as much of them as they can because they know we don't restrict them for our kids.
>
> It's a problem for us when my kids want to do something else. my kids can usually pry the other kids away from the screens for a short time, but then ultimately they are only halfheartedly involved in whatever they're doing offline, and they start to gravitate toward the screens again.
>
> I think the parents have an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude about their children's use of electronics at our house. the same seems to be true of their feelings about sweets, another thing that is restricted quite a bit at their house but isn't at ours. those kids raid my pantry like you wouldn't believe.
>
> The struggle i have is that my family is still deschooling. my partner and i have worked very hard over the past year or two to change our behavior and to give our kids more choices, and it's going well for us. but i'm concerned that if i step in and restrict time with electronics when the other kids are here or if i start restricting sweets when the other kids are here, i'm going to set my family back a bit on our path to unschooling. on the other hand, if i leave things as they are, i have concerns that by spending time with the other children when they're doing their "binging" thing, my kids might be influenced by them and return to these same types of behaviors, which we have done a lot of work to help them move past.
>
> I've tried preemptive strikes by bringing the group a monkey platter of simple nutritional and yummy choices, with the goal of having them eat some of that food first before they decide on their own to raid the pantry. but the visiting kids look at the platter and say they don't like anything on it and ask if they can have something else. they don't want to touch an apple slice if they can have potato chips instead. they know i'm holding back, and that makes me feel like i'm being manipulative (i guess because i am).
>
> So i sometimes find myself sending my own kids mixed messages when these children are visiting. i'll say things like, i'll bring you some chips and cookies in a little while, after you've had time to snack on this platter. but when just my kids are home, i never say something like that. i guess i'm feeling that the visiting kids are bringing behaviors into my home that we've worked hard to eradicate. and i feel that it's unfair that the other parents have created this behavior with their parenting style, but feel free to let the negative results of it run wild in my home but not in theirs.
>
> I'm not sure how to handle it. i should add that the parents and the kids are great people and that we enjoy their friendship and want to keep it. might this be a case where i should speak to the other parents and let them know it would be easier for me if they had the same rules for their kids at my house that they have for them at their own? i do think it might be easier for me to just say, sorry, your mom doesn't want you to play on the computer now, than for my kids to have to struggle to coax their friends away to do something else for at least part of the play time together.
>
> Any thoughts or suggestions?
>
> Thanks,
>
> cecelia
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
cgeorgenow
--- In [email protected], Jenny Cyphers <jenstarc4@...> wrote:
==I never allowed her to use our computers again after that. It turns out, that's all she really wanted from the friendship, so she stopped coming over. ==
I think this is what's bothering me about my situation. i'm feeling that these other children, who are really quite lovely kids, are coming over to play not with my kids, but with my kids' things. it wouldn't be an issue if my kids wanted to play video games or watch TV the whole time the others were here. but they don't, they want to mix it up.
Of course, even though it bothers my kids too, i'm sure i'm worrying about it more than they are.
Cecelia
Jenny Cyphers
***It's a problem for us when my kids want to do something else. my kids can
usually pry the other kids away from the screens for a short time, but then
ultimately they are only halfheartedly involved in whatever they're doing
offline, and they start to gravitate toward the screens again. ***
At our house, when that happens, my kids have come and asked me to let everyone
know that the computers are off limits. So, that's what I've done. If the
other kids are upset about it, we've negotiated a time frame in which the
computers can be used, near the end of the visit. The visiting kids don't think
anything of that, that's what they're used to, adults coming in and telling them
what to do.
***I've tried preemptive strikes by bringing the group a monkey platter of
simple nutritional and yummy choices, with the goal of having them eat some of
that food first before they decide on their own to raid the pantry. but the
visiting kids look at the platter and say they don't like anything on it and ask
if they can have something else.***
Too bad! There are some kids that I allow in my pantry and some kids that I
don't. That is a general hospitality thing, that you shouldn't expect that you
can go raid someone else's pantry. If visiting guests don't like what is being
served, then they don't need to eat. As a hostess, you should offer as much as
you can, the foods that you KNOW they will eat. It doesn't need to be a free
for all. If I know that a kid is going to come over and eat all the family
favorites, I will put out some of those things along with other things and put
the food up that I don't want to be eaten.
***i should add that the parents and the kids are great people and that we enjoy
their friendship and want to keep it. might this be a case where i should speak
to the other parents and let them know it would be easier for me if they had the
same rules for their kids at my house that they have for them at their own? i do
think it might be easier for me to just say, sorry, your mom doesn't want you to
play on the computer now, than for my kids to have to struggle to coax their
friends away to do something else for at least part of the play time
together.***
If you like this family and you want those kids around, I wouldn't ask the
parents to change their rules to accommodate yours. You can be sweet and
generous in simple ways that is not an all or nothing. If those kids like your
food and your computers, offer those things as a hostess, but it doesn't need to
be all of your food and all the time usage.
Simple and delicious foods that fill kids up that kids like to eat doesn't need
to be potato chips. I made a bunch of bagels yesterday for visiting guests. I
also made pasta. Both of those things are cheap and easy (well I like making
bagels so it feels easy). I've never had a kid turn down bagels. You can make
a whole platter of bagel bits with all kinds of things on them, cream cheese,
cream cheese and jam, butter, meat slices, melted cheese, chocolate frosting,
etc. I've also never had kids turn down berries, or apples with caramel, or
chips and hummus, or homemade pizza. With little kids I've always liked popcorn
and popsicles, especially for neighbor kids that are over a lot and are always
hungry.
I don't think navigating groups of kids should undo the deschooling process.
It's a matter of being a hostess. You can talk to your family in advance about
what you guys want to do for that visit and what foods you want to serve and
what activities you want to do. It doesn't need to be hard and fast, but a
general idea, and then the adult hostess needs to make it happen. Visiting
neighbor kids are trickier because they drop by unannounced! Have ideas in
advance, keep neighbor kid food around and neighbor kid activities to do. For
more special planned guests, it's actually more fun to plan something more
special.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
usually pry the other kids away from the screens for a short time, but then
ultimately they are only halfheartedly involved in whatever they're doing
offline, and they start to gravitate toward the screens again. ***
At our house, when that happens, my kids have come and asked me to let everyone
know that the computers are off limits. So, that's what I've done. If the
other kids are upset about it, we've negotiated a time frame in which the
computers can be used, near the end of the visit. The visiting kids don't think
anything of that, that's what they're used to, adults coming in and telling them
what to do.
***I've tried preemptive strikes by bringing the group a monkey platter of
simple nutritional and yummy choices, with the goal of having them eat some of
that food first before they decide on their own to raid the pantry. but the
visiting kids look at the platter and say they don't like anything on it and ask
if they can have something else.***
Too bad! There are some kids that I allow in my pantry and some kids that I
don't. That is a general hospitality thing, that you shouldn't expect that you
can go raid someone else's pantry. If visiting guests don't like what is being
served, then they don't need to eat. As a hostess, you should offer as much as
you can, the foods that you KNOW they will eat. It doesn't need to be a free
for all. If I know that a kid is going to come over and eat all the family
favorites, I will put out some of those things along with other things and put
the food up that I don't want to be eaten.
***i should add that the parents and the kids are great people and that we enjoy
their friendship and want to keep it. might this be a case where i should speak
to the other parents and let them know it would be easier for me if they had the
same rules for their kids at my house that they have for them at their own? i do
think it might be easier for me to just say, sorry, your mom doesn't want you to
play on the computer now, than for my kids to have to struggle to coax their
friends away to do something else for at least part of the play time
together.***
If you like this family and you want those kids around, I wouldn't ask the
parents to change their rules to accommodate yours. You can be sweet and
generous in simple ways that is not an all or nothing. If those kids like your
food and your computers, offer those things as a hostess, but it doesn't need to
be all of your food and all the time usage.
Simple and delicious foods that fill kids up that kids like to eat doesn't need
to be potato chips. I made a bunch of bagels yesterday for visiting guests. I
also made pasta. Both of those things are cheap and easy (well I like making
bagels so it feels easy). I've never had a kid turn down bagels. You can make
a whole platter of bagel bits with all kinds of things on them, cream cheese,
cream cheese and jam, butter, meat slices, melted cheese, chocolate frosting,
etc. I've also never had kids turn down berries, or apples with caramel, or
chips and hummus, or homemade pizza. With little kids I've always liked popcorn
and popsicles, especially for neighbor kids that are over a lot and are always
hungry.
I don't think navigating groups of kids should undo the deschooling process.
It's a matter of being a hostess. You can talk to your family in advance about
what you guys want to do for that visit and what foods you want to serve and
what activities you want to do. It doesn't need to be hard and fast, but a
general idea, and then the adult hostess needs to make it happen. Visiting
neighbor kids are trickier because they drop by unannounced! Have ideas in
advance, keep neighbor kid food around and neighbor kid activities to do. For
more special planned guests, it's actually more fun to plan something more
special.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lylaw
***i should add that the parents and the kids are great people and that we enjoy
their friendship and want to keep it. might this be a case where i should speak
to the other parents and let them know it would be easier for me if they had the
same rules for their kids at my house that they have for them at their own? i do
think it might be easier for me to just say, sorry, your mom doesn't want you to
play on the computer now, than for my kids to have to struggle to coax their
friends away to do something else for at least part of the play time
together.***
if it were me, I'd probably talk to the parents about my observations regarding the feast/famine behavior of their kids around electronics and sugar, etc.
it depends, of course, on how comfortable you feel with them, but I really value friends who can be direct with me when something I am doing is having an effect on my children that I might not be seeing, and with whom I can be direct in turn. in fact I wrote a blog post that's somewhat about that, if anyone is interested. http://lylawolf.blogspot.com/2010/07/blind-spots-side-view-mirrors-and-lorax.html
warmly, lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
their friendship and want to keep it. might this be a case where i should speak
to the other parents and let them know it would be easier for me if they had the
same rules for their kids at my house that they have for them at their own? i do
think it might be easier for me to just say, sorry, your mom doesn't want you to
play on the computer now, than for my kids to have to struggle to coax their
friends away to do something else for at least part of the play time
together.***
if it were me, I'd probably talk to the parents about my observations regarding the feast/famine behavior of their kids around electronics and sugar, etc.
it depends, of course, on how comfortable you feel with them, but I really value friends who can be direct with me when something I am doing is having an effect on my children that I might not be seeing, and with whom I can be direct in turn. in fact I wrote a blog post that's somewhat about that, if anyone is interested. http://lylawolf.blogspot.com/2010/07/blind-spots-side-view-mirrors-and-lorax.html
warmly, lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 7/19/2010 1:28 PM, lylaw wrote:
being even more restrictive. I'd talk to the kids directly - say,
"You're invited over to play video games for 2 hours and play other
stuff the rest of the time." Set it up the way your kids want it and
then make that part of the invitation. If you're friendly enough with
the kids that they beg or ask why, tell them the truth.
-pam
> if it were me, I'd probably talk to the parents about my observationsI would not talk to the parents - because then they might just start
> regarding the feast/famine behavior of their kids around electronics
> and sugar, etc.
being even more restrictive. I'd talk to the kids directly - say,
"You're invited over to play video games for 2 hours and play other
stuff the rest of the time." Set it up the way your kids want it and
then make that part of the invitation. If you're friendly enough with
the kids that they beg or ask why, tell them the truth.
-pam
Sandra Dodd
-=-It's a problem for us when my kids want to do something else. my
kids can usually pry the other kids away from the screens for a short
time, but then ultimately they are only halfheartedly involved in
whatever they're doing offline, and they start to gravitate toward the
screens again. -=-
We had friends like that. I encouraged my kids to let them watch TV
when they first came over. After an hour or so they were generally
willing to go play, at least some of them. (There were four kids.)
My kids are still friends with them (kids and parents all).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kids can usually pry the other kids away from the screens for a short
time, but then ultimately they are only halfheartedly involved in
whatever they're doing offline, and they start to gravitate toward the
screens again. -=-
We had friends like that. I encouraged my kids to let them watch TV
when they first came over. After an hour or so they were generally
willing to go play, at least some of them. (There were four kids.)
My kids are still friends with them (kids and parents all).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]