Doesn't want to be alone?
Rinelle
My daughter, who just turned 6, gets very distressed at being on her own
anywhere. She won't even go into a different room to DH or I, even if we
can see into the room from where we are. We're doing out best to accomodate
this fear, interupting whatever we might be doing (cooking dinner etc) to
follow her if she needs to go to the toilet or wants to get something from
another room. With two of us around, usually one of us is able to come with
her, and it's not an issue.
The biggest problem comes when one of us is home on our own, and needs to
use the toilet, which makes DD quite upset. I try to leave the door open a
little, so she can still talk to me and see me, but often she will jump
around, bang the door, and generally tell me I'm not allowed to go to the
toilet because she wants me there with her. I'm really struggling to meet
what seems to be a definate need for her to have me close, while still
meeting my own needs to be able to use the bathroom with a little bit of
peace.
Also, though less urgent, is the fact that I'm really struggling to get a
lot of the chores done around the house. I'm not talking detailed cleaning,
but just simple things like washing up, making sure we have clean clothes,
cooking meals etc. Not only does she not like to be alone, but she wants
someone to be actively playing with her at all times. DH and I are
struggling to even get a few minutes to talk to each other to plan out the
day without her getting upset that it's 'interupting her game' with one of
us.
I admit that I'm starting to feel quite resentful, like I have no time to
myself, and no chance to do anything that I want to do in my own life. It's
compounded by the fact that I'm working from home, and need a certain amount
of time to actually get work done. DH is home, so is available to my
daugther at those times when I need to work, but of course, that is exactly
when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with
DH.
I would love some suggestions on anything I could do to improve this
situation, and find the best solutions for everyone in the family.
Tamara
anywhere. She won't even go into a different room to DH or I, even if we
can see into the room from where we are. We're doing out best to accomodate
this fear, interupting whatever we might be doing (cooking dinner etc) to
follow her if she needs to go to the toilet or wants to get something from
another room. With two of us around, usually one of us is able to come with
her, and it's not an issue.
The biggest problem comes when one of us is home on our own, and needs to
use the toilet, which makes DD quite upset. I try to leave the door open a
little, so she can still talk to me and see me, but often she will jump
around, bang the door, and generally tell me I'm not allowed to go to the
toilet because she wants me there with her. I'm really struggling to meet
what seems to be a definate need for her to have me close, while still
meeting my own needs to be able to use the bathroom with a little bit of
peace.
Also, though less urgent, is the fact that I'm really struggling to get a
lot of the chores done around the house. I'm not talking detailed cleaning,
but just simple things like washing up, making sure we have clean clothes,
cooking meals etc. Not only does she not like to be alone, but she wants
someone to be actively playing with her at all times. DH and I are
struggling to even get a few minutes to talk to each other to plan out the
day without her getting upset that it's 'interupting her game' with one of
us.
I admit that I'm starting to feel quite resentful, like I have no time to
myself, and no chance to do anything that I want to do in my own life. It's
compounded by the fact that I'm working from home, and need a certain amount
of time to actually get work done. DH is home, so is available to my
daugther at those times when I need to work, but of course, that is exactly
when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with
DH.
I would love some suggestions on anything I could do to improve this
situation, and find the best solutions for everyone in the family.
Tamara
Pam Sorooshian
On 6/12/2010 7:56 PM, Rinelle wrote:
I know a young man who was like this and his parents did just what
you're doing, figured out ways to accommodate his needs. This included
leaving the bathroom door open, too. She's only 6 - at that age my kids
just came in and out all the time when we parents were in the bathroom.
We're still not very modest about that kind of thing in our family.
Anyway - this kid is an awesome young man of 20 years old now, and has
no problem being by himself.
His fear or need lasted a long time though. It eased up and he was
eventually able to be in other parts of the house from his parents, but
he was pretty old before he was willing to be left home alone - past the
age that most kids are fine with it.
Accept it and work around it. You wouldn't be resentful if she was
blind, right? Treat this the same way - it is how she is, she isn't
choosing to be this way, it is a real need. She's old enough that you
can talk about it a bit, with her, I'm sure. Not in a resentful way. Not
in a way that makes her feel bad about it. I'm thinking of it more as
aceepting her need and assuming you're going to accommodate it, but you
have the problem of wanting to tidy up or fix some food, etc., and her
not wanting you to leave her for a second. Ask if she has any ideas how
to make that work. You offer some, too (she could go with you and help
out, she could go with you and play nearby, she could be in another room
but where she has a direct line of sight to you. Maybe she could have a
bell to ring if she wants you. Who knows? Come up with lots of ideas and
decide to try out some or all of them. Make it sort of a joint
exploration of what will work and what won't. You could even have some
fun with it. How about tying a piece of elastic on your ankle and the
other end on hers. How about setting up a videocam at the kitchen sink
so she can see you while you're doing dishes. Etc.
And don't worry about her being okay. She won't be like this when she's
25 years old. Promise.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> I would love some suggestions on anything I could do to improve thisI'm sure you'll get some good suggestions. What I have to offer is that
> situation, and find the best solutions for everyone in the family.
I know a young man who was like this and his parents did just what
you're doing, figured out ways to accommodate his needs. This included
leaving the bathroom door open, too. She's only 6 - at that age my kids
just came in and out all the time when we parents were in the bathroom.
We're still not very modest about that kind of thing in our family.
Anyway - this kid is an awesome young man of 20 years old now, and has
no problem being by himself.
His fear or need lasted a long time though. It eased up and he was
eventually able to be in other parts of the house from his parents, but
he was pretty old before he was willing to be left home alone - past the
age that most kids are fine with it.
Accept it and work around it. You wouldn't be resentful if she was
blind, right? Treat this the same way - it is how she is, she isn't
choosing to be this way, it is a real need. She's old enough that you
can talk about it a bit, with her, I'm sure. Not in a resentful way. Not
in a way that makes her feel bad about it. I'm thinking of it more as
aceepting her need and assuming you're going to accommodate it, but you
have the problem of wanting to tidy up or fix some food, etc., and her
not wanting you to leave her for a second. Ask if she has any ideas how
to make that work. You offer some, too (she could go with you and help
out, she could go with you and play nearby, she could be in another room
but where she has a direct line of sight to you. Maybe she could have a
bell to ring if she wants you. Who knows? Come up with lots of ideas and
decide to try out some or all of them. Make it sort of a joint
exploration of what will work and what won't. You could even have some
fun with it. How about tying a piece of elastic on your ankle and the
other end on hers. How about setting up a videocam at the kitchen sink
so she can see you while you're doing dishes. Etc.
And don't worry about her being okay. She won't be like this when she's
25 years old. Promise.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wtexans
===It's compounded by the fact that I'm working from home, and need a certain amount of time to actually get work done.===
This jumped out at me. If you have flexibility on when you can work, would it be possible to work a bit after she's asleep and/or before she wakes?
===DH is home, so is available to my daugther at those times when I need to work, but of course, that is exactly when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with DH.===
Would he be able to take her away from home for an hour or two so you can work uninterrupted? If she doesn't want to leave the house without you, perhaps it would be more appealing to her if he suggested the two of them do "secret missions for Mom" -- go somewhere to pick flowers or find rocks just for you, take the camera and take pictures of trees or ducks or whatever and surprise you with those (he could let her take the pictures), etc.
The thing about working from home is that younger kids may not grasp the concept of "Yes, I'm at home, but I'm not available to you right now." If you take breaks from work to do non-work things (laundry, dishes, make a meal, play with your daughter for a few minutes, etc.), that could really muddle things up.
What she may need right now is to know that she can have your undivided attention for as long as *she* needs it.
What things can be done after she's asleep / before she wakes?
Would it be possible to eat on paper plates and use disposable utensils so that doing dishes is less of a need for the time being?
Would it be possible to buy a few more days' worth of clothes and towels so that you can go a few days longer before needing to do laundry?
What kind of meals can you prepare that require minimal time in the kitchen? Can you put something in a crockpot or on the stovetop or in the oven before she wakes, so that you don't have to interrupt play later in the day to go cook dinner? Can you buy a bucket of chicken or some other already-prepared meal that is quick to get on the table? Even if it's not your preferred course of action, look at it from the perspective of it being a short-term solution, not a lifetime commitment.
What can you do to make it possible for you to be able to hang out with her for long stretches of time, to not need to move to another room to take care of household stuff or work? It may not be that she doesn't want to be alone, per se, it may be that she wants to be *with you* -- there's a difference!
===I'm really struggling to meet what seems to be a definate need for her to have me close, while still meeting my own needs to be able to use the bathroom with a little bit of peace.===
I've always preferred privacy when in the bathroom, but when my son was younger I accepted that I wasn't going to get that bathroom privacy as often as I would have liked -- especially when my hubby was working out of town. Instead of trying to change my son's needs (to be with me pretty much all the time), I changed mine. For that period of time, it was more important that he feel safe and that I was accessible than it was for me to have privacy in the bathroom. That period of time did pass and my bathroom privacy returned.
For the time being, why not invite your daughter into the bathroom with you? Ask her if she'll bring a book for you to look at together, or ask her to tell you a story. Ask if she wants to take a bath and maybe she'll be comfortable letting you pull the shower curtain partway closed while you're on the toilet. Ask if she wants to set up some stuffed animals or dolls (or whatever) on the sink or the side of the bathtub. Let your being in the bathroom become a non-issue.
Glenda
This jumped out at me. If you have flexibility on when you can work, would it be possible to work a bit after she's asleep and/or before she wakes?
===DH is home, so is available to my daugther at those times when I need to work, but of course, that is exactly when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with DH.===
Would he be able to take her away from home for an hour or two so you can work uninterrupted? If she doesn't want to leave the house without you, perhaps it would be more appealing to her if he suggested the two of them do "secret missions for Mom" -- go somewhere to pick flowers or find rocks just for you, take the camera and take pictures of trees or ducks or whatever and surprise you with those (he could let her take the pictures), etc.
The thing about working from home is that younger kids may not grasp the concept of "Yes, I'm at home, but I'm not available to you right now." If you take breaks from work to do non-work things (laundry, dishes, make a meal, play with your daughter for a few minutes, etc.), that could really muddle things up.
What she may need right now is to know that she can have your undivided attention for as long as *she* needs it.
What things can be done after she's asleep / before she wakes?
Would it be possible to eat on paper plates and use disposable utensils so that doing dishes is less of a need for the time being?
Would it be possible to buy a few more days' worth of clothes and towels so that you can go a few days longer before needing to do laundry?
What kind of meals can you prepare that require minimal time in the kitchen? Can you put something in a crockpot or on the stovetop or in the oven before she wakes, so that you don't have to interrupt play later in the day to go cook dinner? Can you buy a bucket of chicken or some other already-prepared meal that is quick to get on the table? Even if it's not your preferred course of action, look at it from the perspective of it being a short-term solution, not a lifetime commitment.
What can you do to make it possible for you to be able to hang out with her for long stretches of time, to not need to move to another room to take care of household stuff or work? It may not be that she doesn't want to be alone, per se, it may be that she wants to be *with you* -- there's a difference!
===I'm really struggling to meet what seems to be a definate need for her to have me close, while still meeting my own needs to be able to use the bathroom with a little bit of peace.===
I've always preferred privacy when in the bathroom, but when my son was younger I accepted that I wasn't going to get that bathroom privacy as often as I would have liked -- especially when my hubby was working out of town. Instead of trying to change my son's needs (to be with me pretty much all the time), I changed mine. For that period of time, it was more important that he feel safe and that I was accessible than it was for me to have privacy in the bathroom. That period of time did pass and my bathroom privacy returned.
For the time being, why not invite your daughter into the bathroom with you? Ask her if she'll bring a book for you to look at together, or ask her to tell you a story. Ask if she wants to take a bath and maybe she'll be comfortable letting you pull the shower curtain partway closed while you're on the toilet. Ask if she wants to set up some stuffed animals or dolls (or whatever) on the sink or the side of the bathtub. Let your being in the bathroom become a non-issue.
Glenda
k
My son Karl and I were talking just yesterday. He was dreaming out loud that
I could open a restaurant and run it in the other side of our house (what
used to be the other half of a duplex). He's like your child about wanting
company in the bathroom and I am very used by now to his company when I'm in
the bathroom. I said if he gets tired of restauranting and wants to go do
something else, do I just leave the customers or what would he like? That's
when he changed his idea to me making stuff to sell instead because he likes
being with me pretty much all the time. It's definitely who he is. I often
joke about everyone telling me to put him down when he was an infant and
wanted constantly to be held, which I love but (and here's the joke) both
arms kept falling off. I wouldn't want to change any of those memories. And
now I have a real snuggle button of a boy. I think that's a direct result of
me *not* listening to well meant advice to put the baby down, for pity's
sake. You see I was driving all the adults crazy with it, supposedly on
purpose.
It's not that your daughter "decides that only mummy will do." Anymore than
I was trying to drive people crazy by holding Karl. I needed/wanted to do
that, felt compelled to (I was breastfeeding). There's a reason that your
daughter wants to be with you
that has nothing to do with trying to mess with you. Six is still so young
and small. Right next to being a toddler.
when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with
DH.<<<
How long have you been working from home and is it full-time? That makes a
great deal of difference to your availability. Might it be possible for your
daughter to have something to do right there beside you? It used to be the
norm that children were always with their parents and it's only a recent
phenomenon that children have been separated from their parents during work
hours. There's a biological reason that your daughter wants to be with you.
~Katherine
I could open a restaurant and run it in the other side of our house (what
used to be the other half of a duplex). He's like your child about wanting
company in the bathroom and I am very used by now to his company when I'm in
the bathroom. I said if he gets tired of restauranting and wants to go do
something else, do I just leave the customers or what would he like? That's
when he changed his idea to me making stuff to sell instead because he likes
being with me pretty much all the time. It's definitely who he is. I often
joke about everyone telling me to put him down when he was an infant and
wanted constantly to be held, which I love but (and here's the joke) both
arms kept falling off. I wouldn't want to change any of those memories. And
now I have a real snuggle button of a boy. I think that's a direct result of
me *not* listening to well meant advice to put the baby down, for pity's
sake. You see I was driving all the adults crazy with it, supposedly on
purpose.
It's not that your daughter "decides that only mummy will do." Anymore than
I was trying to drive people crazy by holding Karl. I needed/wanted to do
that, felt compelled to (I was breastfeeding). There's a reason that your
daughter wants to be with you
that has nothing to do with trying to mess with you. Six is still so young
and small. Right next to being a toddler.
>>>DH is home, so is available to my daugther at those times when I need towork, but of course, that is exactly
when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with
DH.<<<
How long have you been working from home and is it full-time? That makes a
great deal of difference to your availability. Might it be possible for your
daughter to have something to do right there beside you? It used to be the
norm that children were always with their parents and it's only a recent
phenomenon that children have been separated from their parents during work
hours. There's a biological reason that your daughter wants to be with you.
~Katherine
On Sat, Jun 12, 2010 at 10:56 PM, Rinelle <rinelle@...> wrote:
> My daughter, who just turned 6, gets very distressed at being on her own
> anywhere. She won't even go into a different room to DH or I, even if we
> can see into the room from where we are. We're doing out best to
> accomodate
> this fear, interupting whatever we might be doing (cooking dinner etc) to
> follow her if she needs to go to the toilet or wants to get something from
> another room. With two of us around, usually one of us is able to come
> with
> her, and it's not an issue.
>
> The biggest problem comes when one of us is home on our own, and needs to
> use the toilet, which makes DD quite upset. I try to leave the door open a
> little, so she can still talk to me and see me, but often she will jump
> around, bang the door, and generally tell me I'm not allowed to go to the
> toilet because she wants me there with her. I'm really struggling to meet
> what seems to be a definate need for her to have me close, while still
> meeting my own needs to be able to use the bathroom with a little bit of
> peace.
>
> Also, though less urgent, is the fact that I'm really struggling to get a
> lot of the chores done around the house. I'm not talking detailed
> cleaning,
> but just simple things like washing up, making sure we have clean clothes,
> cooking meals etc. Not only does she not like to be alone, but she wants
> someone to be actively playing with her at all times. DH and I are
> struggling to even get a few minutes to talk to each other to plan out the
> day without her getting upset that it's 'interupting her game' with one of
> us.
>
> I admit that I'm starting to feel quite resentful, like I have no time to
> myself, and no chance to do anything that I want to do in my own life.
> It's
> compounded by the fact that I'm working from home, and need a certain
> amount
> of time to actually get work done. DH is home, so is available to my
> daugther at those times when I need to work, but of course, that is exactly
> when she decides that only mummy will do, and she doesn't want to play with
> DH.
>
> I would love some suggestions on anything I could do to improve this
> situation, and find the best solutions for everyone in the family.
>
> Tamara
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
A couple of times it helped me and Kirby to be singing the same song,
and if we were singing together it was like a longer leash, and i
could go in the other room and still kind of "be there." I never used
it more than just a minute or so (less, probably).
I like Pam's example of blindness or other clear needs.
Another idea might be to hire a mother's helper--either a neighbor
kid, homeschooled teen from your area, or something, so that you can
have a break or some help sometimes.
Sandra
and if we were singing together it was like a longer leash, and i
could go in the other room and still kind of "be there." I never used
it more than just a minute or so (less, probably).
I like Pam's example of blindness or other clear needs.
Another idea might be to hire a mother's helper--either a neighbor
kid, homeschooled teen from your area, or something, so that you can
have a break or some help sometimes.
Sandra
Pam Sorooshian
On 6/13/2010 3:02 AM, wtexans wrote:
Another idea - a mother's helper. A teenager who will come over and play
with your daughter. You can all three play together for a while until
your daughter gets used to the other person. Then maybe you can move
away a bit at a time if she feels comfy with the other person.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> ===It's compounded by the fact that I'm working from home, and need aHow much time?
> certain amount of time to actually get work done.===
Another idea - a mother's helper. A teenager who will come over and play
with your daughter. You can all three play together for a while until
your daughter gets used to the other person. Then maybe you can move
away a bit at a time if she feels comfy with the other person.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
strawlis
--- In [email protected], "Rinelle" <rinelle@...> wrote:
your daughter's above ,for whatever reason... like.... I has elbow high
in gunk and she needed something in another location of the house we
would yodel.. I'd start she'd repeat and we would continue till she was
safely back to me.
Elisabeth, mama to Liv(11.5) and Lex(9.5)
>own
> My daughter, who just turned 6, gets very distressed at being on her
> anywhere. She won't even go into a different room to DH or I, even ifwe
> can see into the room from where we are. We're doing out best toaccomodate
> this fear, interupting whatever we might be doing (cooking dinner etc)to
> follow her if she needs to go to the toilet or wants to get somethingfrom
> another room.When I absolutely could not accommodate my youngest dd's same need as
your daughter's above ,for whatever reason... like.... I has elbow high
in gunk and she needed something in another location of the house we
would yodel.. I'd start she'd repeat and we would continue till she was
safely back to me.
Elisabeth, mama to Liv(11.5) and Lex(9.5)
Rinelle
Thanks everyone for the suggestions, it's beginning to help me get some
clarity on what exactly is happening.
I can see that at least part of the issue is probably that I am not spending
enough concentrated time with my daughter. It is something I have always
struggled with, but it has become even harder as she has gotten older.
I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever I try to
play with her. She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to draw, but
anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she
would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.
Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears,
and not wanting to play anymore. I still have really vivid memories of her
ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it wasn't
happening fast enough, when she was about 3.
She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control every
aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say. Often
she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she just
watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really
hard.
I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these
feelings/needs she has to have things done her way. It is usually easier to
just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it
successfully, and without being yelled at.
Tamara
clarity on what exactly is happening.
I can see that at least part of the issue is probably that I am not spending
enough concentrated time with my daughter. It is something I have always
struggled with, but it has become even harder as she has gotten older.
I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever I try to
play with her. She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to draw, but
anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she
would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.
Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears,
and not wanting to play anymore. I still have really vivid memories of her
ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it wasn't
happening fast enough, when she was about 3.
She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control every
aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say. Often
she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she just
watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really
hard.
I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these
feelings/needs she has to have things done her way. It is usually easier to
just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it
successfully, and without being yelled at.
Tamara
foehn_jye
>>>...interupting whatever we might be doing (cooking dinner etc) to follow her <<<My nearly 8-yr old still likes someone to accompany her the bathroom, her room, downstairs, upstairs, etc. It helps to know we are helping her--doing her a favor--rather than feeling put out, interrupted, or like we're following her demands. I can choose to be helpful and loving, or I can choose to feel irritated and put-upon. The basic fact remains that she needs someone to go with her.
>>>and tell me I'm not allowed to go to the toilet because she wants me there with her. I'm really struggling to meet what seems to be a definate need for her to have me close, while still meeting my own needs to be able to use the bathroom with a little bit of peace.<<<Can you invite her in to look at a book, or color, play in the sink, or play some sort of game? We've got an open bathroom policy in our house, but I also communicate my feelings about privacy with them too, if guests are over I obviously don't want the door open although the kids can be in there with me. And if I just need a few moments to myself I'm honest with them, and they tend to understand and will go play in the sink or something similar.
>>>Also, though less urgent, is the fact that I'm really struggling to get a lot of the chores done around the house.<<<What can she help you with? My kids love helping sort the laundry and putting the clothes in the washer and pulling clothes from the dryer into baskets. They also have little things they enjoy like cleaning the windows or wiping down the counters. Learn which tasks she likes and encourage her to help by making a game of it. Play hotel maid, or something similar...playful chores make for fun chores.
Chris Sanders
My daughter used to direct our play just how you describe with your
daughter. We often played with Polly Pockets or stuffed animals
together. What I found worked best was to totally submit myself to
playing however she wanted me to -- I inserted very little of my own
ideas and just did what she directed me to do, JOYFULLY. I think that
my attitude made a huge difference. I tried to focus in my brain on
how much I loved her and how interesting it was to listen and learn
how her imagination works. I tried very hard to let go of any
thoughts of what I could be doing, housework or freelance work, that
needed to be done. I found that when I was able to commit myself 100%
to playing with her the way she wanted, her need for my undivided
attention was fulfilled much more quickly than if I was only giving
her a fraction of my attention. It takes some serious concentration
to not let your mind wander or start looking at the clock -- but it
gets easier with practice and it is so worth it! You might even find
that you start to enjoy yourself.
Happy playing!
Chris in IA
daughter. We often played with Polly Pockets or stuffed animals
together. What I found worked best was to totally submit myself to
playing however she wanted me to -- I inserted very little of my own
ideas and just did what she directed me to do, JOYFULLY. I think that
my attitude made a huge difference. I tried to focus in my brain on
how much I loved her and how interesting it was to listen and learn
how her imagination works. I tried very hard to let go of any
thoughts of what I could be doing, housework or freelance work, that
needed to be done. I found that when I was able to commit myself 100%
to playing with her the way she wanted, her need for my undivided
attention was fulfilled much more quickly than if I was only giving
her a fraction of my attention. It takes some serious concentration
to not let your mind wander or start looking at the clock -- but it
gets easier with practice and it is so worth it! You might even find
that you start to enjoy yourself.
Happy playing!
Chris in IA
> She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> every
> aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say.
> Often
> she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she
> just
> watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find
> really
> hard.
>
> I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these
> feelings/needs she has to have things done her way. It is usually
> easier to
> just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it
> successfully, and without being yelled at.
Sandra Dodd
-=I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever
I try to
play with her. She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to
draw, but
anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she
would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's
'wrong'.
Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into
tears,
and not wanting to play anymore. I still have really vivid memories of
her
ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it
wasn't
happening fast enough, when she was about 3.
-=-She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control
every
aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say.
Often
she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she
just
watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really
hard.-=-
I wasn't good at playing that way either, but I'm impressed with
parents who can do it better than I could.
I could do it for a little while, but then would say it wasn't fun if
I couldn't play my own way.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I try to
play with her. She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to
draw, but
anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she
would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's
'wrong'.
Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into
tears,
and not wanting to play anymore. I still have really vivid memories of
her
ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it
wasn't
happening fast enough, when she was about 3.
-=-She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control
every
aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say.
Often
she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she
just
watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really
hard.-=-
I wasn't good at playing that way either, but I'm impressed with
parents who can do it better than I could.
I could do it for a little while, but then would say it wasn't fun if
I couldn't play my own way.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Josh Moll
My daughter has been the same. It helps to play for some time just like she wants it, to just go with the flow of her game. To support her wish for power and to surrender almost, with love. For my daughter (who is the youngest by far, even in the extended family), it was very empowering, and now at 8 she almost never needs to be so controlling anymore.
It was the same with games, even the possibility of losing a game would distract and frighten her so much that no game was fun. And by making her win always, by changing rules in her advantage or cheating outright, and not minding it, it made her be less controlling and now she doesn't mind to loose in well known games. A new game, makes her want to win, until she gets used to it.
I was afraid, because of people around me saying that in this way she would never learn how to loose, but for her it was an important stage, to feel her power to control a situation, a power to win, and because everybody around her was older, it was not always easy to get this power in another way.
Josh
http://thuisschool.wordpress.com/
________________________________
From: Rinelle <rinelle@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, June 14, 2010 1:16:53 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Doesn't want to be alone?
Thanks everyone for the suggestions, it's beginning to help me get some
clarity on what exactly is happening.
I can see that at least part of the issue is probably that I am not spending
enough concentrated time with my daughter. It is something I have always
struggled with, but it has become even harder as she has gotten older.
I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever I try to
play with her. She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to draw, but
anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she
would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.
Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears,
and not wanting to play anymore. I still have really vivid memories of her
ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it wasn't
happening fast enough, when she was about 3.
She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control every
aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say. Often
she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she just
watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really
hard.
I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these
feelings/needs she has to have things done her way. It is usually easier to
just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it
successfully, and without being yelled at.
Tamara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It was the same with games, even the possibility of losing a game would distract and frighten her so much that no game was fun. And by making her win always, by changing rules in her advantage or cheating outright, and not minding it, it made her be less controlling and now she doesn't mind to loose in well known games. A new game, makes her want to win, until she gets used to it.
I was afraid, because of people around me saying that in this way she would never learn how to loose, but for her it was an important stage, to feel her power to control a situation, a power to win, and because everybody around her was older, it was not always easy to get this power in another way.
Josh
http://thuisschool.wordpress.com/
________________________________
From: Rinelle <rinelle@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, June 14, 2010 1:16:53 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Doesn't want to be alone?
Thanks everyone for the suggestions, it's beginning to help me get some
clarity on what exactly is happening.
I can see that at least part of the issue is probably that I am not spending
enough concentrated time with my daughter. It is something I have always
struggled with, but it has become even harder as she has gotten older.
I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever I try to
play with her. She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to draw, but
anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she
would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.
Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears,
and not wanting to play anymore. I still have really vivid memories of her
ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it wasn't
happening fast enough, when she was about 3.
She also really loves pretend play, but again, she has to control every
aspect of it, down to usually telling me exactly what I have to say. Often
she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she just
watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really
hard.
I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these
feelings/needs she has to have things done her way. It is usually easier to
just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it
successfully, and without being yelled at.
Tamara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wtexans
===I still have really vivid memories of her ripping apart a castle she'd wanted me to help her make because it wasn't happening fast enough, when she was about 3.===
It would help if you could let that go. It's a negative memory and it's affecting how you view her now, some three years later.
===I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever I try to play with her.=== [snip] ===Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears, and not wanting to play anymore.===
Maybe she feels she doesn't have as much control as she'd like in other areas of her life and this is an area where she feels she has more control, so she exerts it.
If she's breaking down in tears because you're not doing something the way she wants you to, I would suspect she's feeling a bit of frustration before you ever start playing and so she reaches the breaking point more quickly.
Offer her more opportunities to be in control, and go along with her choices willingly and joyfully.
If she breaks down into tears and doesn't want to play with you, instead of shifting into feeling defensive and like you can't do anything right, try to remain compassionate. Maybe tell her you love her and are sorry she's feeling upset and when she feels like playing again that you'd love to play with her -- reinforce to her that you still love her and still want to play with her, but let her be in control of when she's ready for that.
===She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to draw, but anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.===
You could tell her you want to surprise her with a drawing and then ask her what she sees in the picture, and ask her if she'd like to color it.
If you start drawing something and she deems it "wrong", you could ask her if she has any ideas of what you could do to the picture to help it look like it does in her imagination. Maybe she could put her hand on top of yours and help guide the crayon.
If drawing continues to be a sore spot, there's nothing wrong with telling her that's not fun for you right now and offering an alternative.
===Often she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she just watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really hard.===
Some kids are excellent directors [g]. I used to play Pokemon action figures with my son and also with one of my nieces and found it was easier to sit back and be directed than it was to try and guess what they wanted me to do.
Ask questions: "What should this one do?" "What should this one say?" "Do you want me to use this toy too?". Instead of giving off the vibe that it's hard to play with her that way, pretend you're an actress and she's your director and invite her feedback.
===I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these feelings/needs she has to have things done her way.===
For me, it took practice. The more I did it, the easier it was. I did have to consciously stay in the moment of play and not let my mind wander, but that also got easier with practice.
Change things up. If drawing and playing with certain toys are a common go-to mommy-n-daughter activity, those may have negative connotations for both of you right now. Ditch 'em and try some different activities. Buy fingerpaints and fingerpaint paper and get outside and fingerpaint together -- ask her which colors you should use for your painting, or if she wants y'all to cover both pages with your handprints, or if you should paint a page full of silly eyes, etc. Grab a bunch of those plastic Easter eggs and ask her if she'd like to hide them for you to find, or if she'd rather you hide them for her to find, or maybe the both of you hide them for your hubby to find.
===It is usually easier to just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it successfully, and without being yelled at.===
I know you're posting that in frustration, but if you're giving off that kind of vibe to your daughter, that may be contributing to *her* frustration.
When you start feeling frustration, stop right then and take a deep breath and tell her you could sure use one of her sweet hugs. If she's also feeling frustrated and is unwilling to hug you, let her know you understand that she might not be feeling huggy right then but if she wants to give you a hug later then you'd love to have it. Make silly noises and wiggle around and tell her you're shaking off some "blah" feelings so that you have room for more happy feelings - and smile or laugh, because sometimes those are real darn contagious.
Glenda
It would help if you could let that go. It's a negative memory and it's affecting how you view her now, some three years later.
===I'm finding it really hard because she is very controlling whenever I try to play with her.=== [snip] ===Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears, and not wanting to play anymore.===
Maybe she feels she doesn't have as much control as she'd like in other areas of her life and this is an area where she feels she has more control, so she exerts it.
If she's breaking down in tears because you're not doing something the way she wants you to, I would suspect she's feeling a bit of frustration before you ever start playing and so she reaches the breaking point more quickly.
Offer her more opportunities to be in control, and go along with her choices willingly and joyfully.
If she breaks down into tears and doesn't want to play with you, instead of shifting into feeling defensive and like you can't do anything right, try to remain compassionate. Maybe tell her you love her and are sorry she's feeling upset and when she feels like playing again that you'd love to play with her -- reinforce to her that you still love her and still want to play with her, but let her be in control of when she's ready for that.
===She will ask me to draw with her, so I sit down to draw, but anything I draw is 'wrong'. She can't tell me in the beginning what she would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.===
You could tell her you want to surprise her with a drawing and then ask her what she sees in the picture, and ask her if she'd like to color it.
If you start drawing something and she deems it "wrong", you could ask her if she has any ideas of what you could do to the picture to help it look like it does in her imagination. Maybe she could put her hand on top of yours and help guide the crayon.
If drawing continues to be a sore spot, there's nothing wrong with telling her that's not fun for you right now and offering an alternative.
===Often she wants me to play two of her toys talking to each other while she just watches (and tells me what each of them should say), which I find really hard.===
Some kids are excellent directors [g]. I used to play Pokemon action figures with my son and also with one of my nieces and found it was easier to sit back and be directed than it was to try and guess what they wanted me to do.
Ask questions: "What should this one do?" "What should this one say?" "Do you want me to use this toy too?". Instead of giving off the vibe that it's hard to play with her that way, pretend you're an actress and she's your director and invite her feedback.
===I just don't know how to play with her in a way that satisfies these feelings/needs she has to have things done her way.===
For me, it took practice. The more I did it, the easier it was. I did have to consciously stay in the moment of play and not let my mind wander, but that also got easier with practice.
Change things up. If drawing and playing with certain toys are a common go-to mommy-n-daughter activity, those may have negative connotations for both of you right now. Ditch 'em and try some different activities. Buy fingerpaints and fingerpaint paper and get outside and fingerpaint together -- ask her which colors you should use for your painting, or if she wants y'all to cover both pages with your handprints, or if you should paint a page full of silly eyes, etc. Grab a bunch of those plastic Easter eggs and ask her if she'd like to hide them for you to find, or if she'd rather you hide them for her to find, or maybe the both of you hide them for your hubby to find.
===It is usually easier to just have to do something else, where at least I know I can do it successfully, and without being yelled at.===
I know you're posting that in frustration, but if you're giving off that kind of vibe to your daughter, that may be contributing to *her* frustration.
When you start feeling frustration, stop right then and take a deep breath and tell her you could sure use one of her sweet hugs. If she's also feeling frustrated and is unwilling to hug you, let her know you understand that she might not be feeling huggy right then but if she wants to give you a hug later then you'd love to have it. Make silly noises and wiggle around and tell her you're shaking off some "blah" feelings so that you have room for more happy feelings - and smile or laugh, because sometimes those are real darn contagious.
Glenda
Schuyler
I can remember doing this so clearly. I had to keep mentally grabbing my chin and turning my face back to Simon or Linnaea. But once I got into the flow of it, it was so much fun to just be with them. Linnaea too had images of how play ought to go and I had to become very willing to be directed. It's almost like meditation, it's stepping away from my own expectations and my own desires and submitting to someone else's. Maybe that's more like religion. Anyhow. It pays off so much just in your own pleasure in playing with your child.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Chris Sanders <iowaunschoolers@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, 14 June, 2010 5:21:22
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Doesn't want to be alone?
My daughter used to direct our play just how you describe with your
daughter. We often played with Polly Pockets or stuffed animals
together. What I found worked best was to totally submit myself to
playing however she wanted me to -- I inserted very little of my own
ideas and just did what she directed me to do, JOYFULLY. I think that
my attitude made a huge difference. I tried to focus in my brain on
how much I loved her and how interesting it was to listen and learn
how her imagination works. I tried very hard to let go of any
thoughts of what I could be doing, housework or freelance work, that
needed to be done. I found that when I was able to commit myself 100%
to playing with her the way she wanted, her need for my undivided
attention was fulfilled much more quickly than if I was only giving
her a fraction of my attention. It takes some serious concentration
to not let your mind wander or start looking at the clock -- but it
gets easier with practice and it is so worth it! You might even find
that you start to enjoy yourself.
Happy playing!
Chris in IA
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Chris Sanders <iowaunschoolers@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, 14 June, 2010 5:21:22
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: Doesn't want to be alone?
My daughter used to direct our play just how you describe with your
daughter. We often played with Polly Pockets or stuffed animals
together. What I found worked best was to totally submit myself to
playing however she wanted me to -- I inserted very little of my own
ideas and just did what she directed me to do, JOYFULLY. I think that
my attitude made a huge difference. I tried to focus in my brain on
how much I loved her and how interesting it was to listen and learn
how her imagination works. I tried very hard to let go of any
thoughts of what I could be doing, housework or freelance work, that
needed to be done. I found that when I was able to commit myself 100%
to playing with her the way she wanted, her need for my undivided
attention was fulfilled much more quickly than if I was only giving
her a fraction of my attention. It takes some serious concentration
to not let your mind wander or start looking at the clock -- but it
gets easier with practice and it is so worth it! You might even find
that you start to enjoy yourself.
Happy playing!
Chris in IA
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-It was the same with games, even the possibility of losing a game
would distract and frighten her so much that no game was fun. And by
making her win always, by changing rules in her advantage or cheating
outright, and not minding it, it made her be less controlling and now
she doesn't mind to loose in well known games. A new game, makes her
want to win, until she gets used to it.-=-
Kirby used to HATE to lose games. I never minded playing so that he
would win, but playing so that I would only barely lose. As he got
older, though, I had a hard time winning even if I wanted to, and now
his job involves the rules of a game, AND the rules behind the game,
and the rules of the team that knows the rules of and behind the
game. He swims in that like a fish in water.
The bad thing about that, when Kirby was little, was that if he caught
on that I was letting him win, he got even more angry than he would
have if he had lost, so I myself was in a BIG lose/lose situation for
a while there. Luckily, he found kids his age and knew they needed
him to be nicer than he was to his mom sometimes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
would distract and frighten her so much that no game was fun. And by
making her win always, by changing rules in her advantage or cheating
outright, and not minding it, it made her be less controlling and now
she doesn't mind to loose in well known games. A new game, makes her
want to win, until she gets used to it.-=-
Kirby used to HATE to lose games. I never minded playing so that he
would win, but playing so that I would only barely lose. As he got
older, though, I had a hard time winning even if I wanted to, and now
his job involves the rules of a game, AND the rules behind the game,
and the rules of the team that knows the rules of and behind the
game. He swims in that like a fish in water.
The bad thing about that, when Kirby was little, was that if he caught
on that I was letting him win, he got even more angry than he would
have if he had lost, so I myself was in a BIG lose/lose situation for
a while there. Luckily, he found kids his age and knew they needed
him to be nicer than he was to his mom sometimes.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
And I like cheating/helping "too much" for good reasons like this. Another
good deal for Karl is for Brian or me to play adviser on Karl's side
competing against the other of us. Not only does it raise Karl's chances of
winning by 100%, gifting him with good associations with the game(s), it
gives Karl the chance to learn by going along with, cooperation that's
totally to his advantage in multiple ways. It builds connections in people
relationships and thing relationships.
~Katherine
good deal for Karl is for Brian or me to play adviser on Karl's side
competing against the other of us. Not only does it raise Karl's chances of
winning by 100%, gifting him with good associations with the game(s), it
gives Karl the chance to learn by going along with, cooperation that's
totally to his advantage in multiple ways. It builds connections in people
relationships and thing relationships.
~Katherine
On Mon, Jun 14, 2010 at 1:48 AM, Josh Moll <josje_wosje@...> wrote:
> My daughter has been the same. It helps to play for some time just like she
> wants it, to just go with the flow of her game. To support her wish for
> power and to surrender almost, with love. For my daughter (who is the
> youngest by far, even in the extended family), it was very empowering, and
> now at 8 she almost never needs to be so controlling anymore.
> It was the same with games, even the possibility of losing a game would
> distract and frighten her so much that no game was fun. And by making her
> win always, by changing rules in her advantage or cheating outright, and not
> minding it, it made her be less controlling and now she doesn't mind to
> loose in well known games. A new game, makes her want to win, until she gets
> used to it.
> I was afraid, because of people around me saying that in this way she would
> never learn how to loose, but for her it was an important stage, to feel her
> power to control a situation, a power to win, and because everybody around
> her was older, it was not always easy to get this power in another way.
>
> Josh
> http://thuisschool.wordpress.com/
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Su Penn
On Jun 13, 2010, at 7:16 PM, Rinelle wrote:
My Eric is 9 and still sometimes has a rough time because something doesn't fit with his view of how it should be. David and I have been talking about how Eric will be looking forward to having him home on the weekend and then be a mess all weekend long, fussy, complaining, combative, mildly tantrum-y. Our working theory right now is that it's because he has this vision of how the day will go and any little thing that doesn't match up throws him off (like David having breakfast, showering, and doing his chores when Eric was imagining him sitting right down immediately to play a video game together). We're hoping that having some discussion on Thursday and Friday about what the day will look like might help him go into it having more realistic expectations--knowing that his dad _will_ spend a lot of time with him, but not every minute.
The kind of thing you describe with playing with your daughter used to happen more often when he was younger--I think often he didn't have a clear notion of what he was expecting, just that once something started (drawing the picture in your case), that wasn't it, and because of his temperament it was very hard for him to deal with that disconnect between what he wanted and what was without exploding.
It's hard with the younger ones. I found the book The Explosive Child really helpful in thinking about how to respond to Eric; I think the very respectful approach that books suggests really helped us preserve a strong relationship and let Eric build skills of flexibility over time in a really positive way. The basic idea is that you reduce stresses and demands on the child in every area possible, letting go of expectations as much as possible, so they're not constantly at the limit of their tolerance, making it easier for them to cope with the things that really matter.
I wrote about the book on my blog awhile ago, if you want to read a summary. It's here: http://tapeflags.blogspot.com/2010/03/explosive-child.html
It's not an unschooling book but it's a very unschooling-friendly book. The author's ideas about reducing your demands on your child is pretty counter to mainstream ideas!
I do wonder if there are other things you can do with your daughter that would dodge the "mom, you're doing it wrong!" effect. A craft project where your job is to hand her supplies or cut out the shapes or something. Or an outing where the focus is outside the two of you--you're looking at something together or doing an activity designed by someone else together. I'm not a genius at coming up with this kind of thing, and if your daughter is like Eric it might be very hard for her to accept alternatives, but it's just a thought I had.
Su, mom to Eric, 9; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
> She can't tell me in the beginning what sheMy sympathy!
> would like me to draw, it's only when I start drawing it that it's 'wrong'.
> Doing something wrong will usually result in her breaking down into tears,
> and not wanting to play anymore.
My Eric is 9 and still sometimes has a rough time because something doesn't fit with his view of how it should be. David and I have been talking about how Eric will be looking forward to having him home on the weekend and then be a mess all weekend long, fussy, complaining, combative, mildly tantrum-y. Our working theory right now is that it's because he has this vision of how the day will go and any little thing that doesn't match up throws him off (like David having breakfast, showering, and doing his chores when Eric was imagining him sitting right down immediately to play a video game together). We're hoping that having some discussion on Thursday and Friday about what the day will look like might help him go into it having more realistic expectations--knowing that his dad _will_ spend a lot of time with him, but not every minute.
The kind of thing you describe with playing with your daughter used to happen more often when he was younger--I think often he didn't have a clear notion of what he was expecting, just that once something started (drawing the picture in your case), that wasn't it, and because of his temperament it was very hard for him to deal with that disconnect between what he wanted and what was without exploding.
It's hard with the younger ones. I found the book The Explosive Child really helpful in thinking about how to respond to Eric; I think the very respectful approach that books suggests really helped us preserve a strong relationship and let Eric build skills of flexibility over time in a really positive way. The basic idea is that you reduce stresses and demands on the child in every area possible, letting go of expectations as much as possible, so they're not constantly at the limit of their tolerance, making it easier for them to cope with the things that really matter.
I wrote about the book on my blog awhile ago, if you want to read a summary. It's here: http://tapeflags.blogspot.com/2010/03/explosive-child.html
It's not an unschooling book but it's a very unschooling-friendly book. The author's ideas about reducing your demands on your child is pretty counter to mainstream ideas!
I do wonder if there are other things you can do with your daughter that would dodge the "mom, you're doing it wrong!" effect. A craft project where your job is to hand her supplies or cut out the shapes or something. Or an outing where the focus is outside the two of you--you're looking at something together or doing an activity designed by someone else together. I'm not a genius at coming up with this kind of thing, and if your daughter is like Eric it might be very hard for her to accept alternatives, but it's just a thought I had.
Su, mom to Eric, 9; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
Jenny Cyphers
***I found that when I was able to commit myself 100%
to playing with her the way she wanted, her need for my undivided
attention was fulfilled much more quickly than if I was only giving
her a fraction of my attention.***
Oh definitely! That was and is very much true for me. Margaux has always needed me right there, and she always directed the play. If I was able to commit completely and joyfully, she'd eventually move on to playing happily by herself, taking over the play. I could sort of sneak off to do a thing really quickly and come back to check on whatever it was she was doing. She hardly would notice me going. If, however, I didn't make sure to check back in, she would get upset by my absence.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to playing with her the way she wanted, her need for my undivided
attention was fulfilled much more quickly than if I was only giving
her a fraction of my attention.***
Oh definitely! That was and is very much true for me. Margaux has always needed me right there, and she always directed the play. If I was able to commit completely and joyfully, she'd eventually move on to playing happily by herself, taking over the play. I could sort of sneak off to do a thing really quickly and come back to check on whatever it was she was doing. She hardly would notice me going. If, however, I didn't make sure to check back in, she would get upset by my absence.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***Not only does she not like to be alone, but she wants
someone to be actively playing with her at all times. ***
Have you tried inviting several other friends over to play? It some ways it creates more work to play hostess and mediator, but I've always found that I could easily do a few things around the house or have a conversation with my husband while another kid or two are over playing.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
someone to be actively playing with her at all times. ***
Have you tried inviting several other friends over to play? It some ways it creates more work to play hostess and mediator, but I've always found that I could easily do a few things around the house or have a conversation with my husband while another kid or two are over playing.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]