Summertime & neighbor children
Julie van der Wekken
I wanted to get some opinions on handling our neighbor situation now that school is out (out officially tomorrow where we live). We have 3 neighbor children from 3 separate houses that play at our house regularly. The kids rarely if ever go to another house to play, and from what I've observed, there's a few different reasons for that. There is also some weird dynamics at two of the neighbor houses which I think propel two of the children over here (alcoholism at one and just plain meanness at the other).
I love having these kids over, for the most part, and all the kids get along great with my own two boys (ages range from 4-10), and my two boys usually want these kids over to play. Right now they are spending approx. 3-4 hours a day here, and on the weekends it's more, and school gets out this friday, so I'm guessing they will start coming over earlier due to that. I'm wishing for at least a couple or few whole days with just our family and no one else. Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few hours in the evening and on weekends. Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the week. I don't mind setting out snacks now and again, and when my own boys are hungry (which isn't at most people's prescribed meal times) then they ask for, or get food and when the neighbor kids are here they partake or ask for meals too.
I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs, even though right now their in school all day and they never see them except for on the evenings and weekends, and that's when their over here.
I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3 children, with the buildup of school getting out tomorrow.
Any ideas for helping things go smooth this summer?
Julie v.
http://lerendzonderschool.blogspot.com/
I love having these kids over, for the most part, and all the kids get along great with my own two boys (ages range from 4-10), and my two boys usually want these kids over to play. Right now they are spending approx. 3-4 hours a day here, and on the weekends it's more, and school gets out this friday, so I'm guessing they will start coming over earlier due to that. I'm wishing for at least a couple or few whole days with just our family and no one else. Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few hours in the evening and on weekends. Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the week. I don't mind setting out snacks now and again, and when my own boys are hungry (which isn't at most people's prescribed meal times) then they ask for, or get food and when the neighbor kids are here they partake or ask for meals too.
I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs, even though right now their in school all day and they never see them except for on the evenings and weekends, and that's when their over here.
I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3 children, with the buildup of school getting out tomorrow.
Any ideas for helping things go smooth this summer?
Julie v.
http://lerendzonderschool.blogspot.com/
wtexans
===I'm wishing for at least a couple or few whole days with just our family and no one else.===
It's perfectly okay to tell them, "tomorrow we have plans so don't come over, but we'll be glad for you to come over the day after". If they still show up the day you want to do family-only things, or if you've not given them prior notice about that, when they show up just let them know y'all have plans for the day and you'll be happy for them to come over the next day.
===Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few hours in the evening and on weekends.===
It's okay to have a set time when friends need to head home. It might help to talk with your boys about it beforehand, if you haven't already, so they understand why you'll be asking the other kids to go home at a certain time. If you and your husband like to chat and catch up a bit when he gets home from work, maybe the neighbor kids could hang out for half an hour or so after your hubby gets home, giving you and your hubby a chance to reconnect, then you can remind the kids it's time for them to go home.
===Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the week.===
When it's near time for y'all to eat lunch or dinner, tell them they need to run home and eat and they can come back in an hour or at "x" time. Maybe once a week you can treat them to dinner at your house - homemade pizzas or something really cool that they may not get at their own homes, something they can look forward to.
===I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs===
When we were kids, both of my parents worked all day. They owned a business that was located at the far end of our street, so they were physically nearby, but they didn't come home for lunch or anything liek that. We were on our own during the summers. My neighbor friends' moms were SAHMs, so there were always several moms at home most days. Even though we had a pool, we couldn't swim at our house without an adult at home and there wasn't an adult at home during the day. But a friend who lived on the same street also had a pool and her mom was nearly always home during the day, so the whole gang of kids on our street often ended up swimming at that friend's house. Another friend's family had board games, a trampoline, and a small fort of sorts in the backyard. Those hours were more fun to be at when I wanted to hang out with my friends.
I don't think my mom didn't care that we would rather be at someone else's house, rather it was more that her focus was elsewhere (running a business). She grew up in an environment in which everyone pretty much was on their own with no real parental guidance or support or input, so setting up a house to be kid-friendly and inviting to neighbor kids wasn't in her skillset. The few times when friends would be over, my mom and stepdad would be segregated off into their bedroom and us kids would be on our own -- it didn't create that kind of welcoming environment I'd feel when at my friends' houses where their moms would be visible and available and involved to some extent with us.
So, it may not be that the kids' parents don't care their kids would rather be at your house than their own, maybe it's that the parents don't have the skills to create the kind of home that is the house at which all the kids want to gather. Maybe it's a relief for them to know their kids have a safe place to be, someplace where they're able to be with other kids rather than bored at home.
===I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3 children===
But you're not obligated to host them to the point of being worn out, nor should you feel like a babysitter. It's your home and your family, so it's up to you to set whatever boundaries are needed to ensure you all get the kind of downtime you want / need. You want to enjoy having them over, not dread it.
When they come over, give them a heads-up right then that they'll need to leave in an hour or two hours or at "x" time, then remind them as that time gets closer.
Be firm and specific in your wording: "You need to go home and eat now, we'll see you in an hour / tomorrow / etc." rather than "maybe you want to go home now?" or "is it time for you to go eat?".
Glenda
It's perfectly okay to tell them, "tomorrow we have plans so don't come over, but we'll be glad for you to come over the day after". If they still show up the day you want to do family-only things, or if you've not given them prior notice about that, when they show up just let them know y'all have plans for the day and you'll be happy for them to come over the next day.
===Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few hours in the evening and on weekends.===
It's okay to have a set time when friends need to head home. It might help to talk with your boys about it beforehand, if you haven't already, so they understand why you'll be asking the other kids to go home at a certain time. If you and your husband like to chat and catch up a bit when he gets home from work, maybe the neighbor kids could hang out for half an hour or so after your hubby gets home, giving you and your hubby a chance to reconnect, then you can remind the kids it's time for them to go home.
===Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the week.===
When it's near time for y'all to eat lunch or dinner, tell them they need to run home and eat and they can come back in an hour or at "x" time. Maybe once a week you can treat them to dinner at your house - homemade pizzas or something really cool that they may not get at their own homes, something they can look forward to.
===I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs===
When we were kids, both of my parents worked all day. They owned a business that was located at the far end of our street, so they were physically nearby, but they didn't come home for lunch or anything liek that. We were on our own during the summers. My neighbor friends' moms were SAHMs, so there were always several moms at home most days. Even though we had a pool, we couldn't swim at our house without an adult at home and there wasn't an adult at home during the day. But a friend who lived on the same street also had a pool and her mom was nearly always home during the day, so the whole gang of kids on our street often ended up swimming at that friend's house. Another friend's family had board games, a trampoline, and a small fort of sorts in the backyard. Those hours were more fun to be at when I wanted to hang out with my friends.
I don't think my mom didn't care that we would rather be at someone else's house, rather it was more that her focus was elsewhere (running a business). She grew up in an environment in which everyone pretty much was on their own with no real parental guidance or support or input, so setting up a house to be kid-friendly and inviting to neighbor kids wasn't in her skillset. The few times when friends would be over, my mom and stepdad would be segregated off into their bedroom and us kids would be on our own -- it didn't create that kind of welcoming environment I'd feel when at my friends' houses where their moms would be visible and available and involved to some extent with us.
So, it may not be that the kids' parents don't care their kids would rather be at your house than their own, maybe it's that the parents don't have the skills to create the kind of home that is the house at which all the kids want to gather. Maybe it's a relief for them to know their kids have a safe place to be, someplace where they're able to be with other kids rather than bored at home.
===I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3 children===
But you're not obligated to host them to the point of being worn out, nor should you feel like a babysitter. It's your home and your family, so it's up to you to set whatever boundaries are needed to ensure you all get the kind of downtime you want / need. You want to enjoy having them over, not dread it.
When they come over, give them a heads-up right then that they'll need to leave in an hour or two hours or at "x" time, then remind them as that time gets closer.
Be firm and specific in your wording: "You need to go home and eat now, we'll see you in an hour / tomorrow / etc." rather than "maybe you want to go home now?" or "is it time for you to go eat?".
Glenda
Julie van der Wekken
Glenda,
Thanks so much for your reply. I love your suggestions and ideas!
Our house is the most kid-friendly house with lots of stuff for the kids to do, whereas if they happen to go to one of the other houses where there isn't much to do, they end up right back at our house within a 1/2 hour. I like that my children are the most comfortable here at our house as well, and for the most part wouldn't want them hanging out at 2 of the neighbors due to the reasons I stated.
I love the idea of having them over for dinner on occasion, they would all love it! We have had the girl next door over for dinner on quite a few occasions due to her parents being unavailable (usually partying). I also like that the two kids have a sort of "safe haven" if you will at our house to feel respected and listened to and the one has expressed on more than one occasion that she wished she lived with us:(
My post came on the heels of this being the last week before summer break for these kids, and I know their just happy and excited and feeling free to actually play in larger blocks of time, whereas during the school year we hardly see them.
I think your right in saying that the parents might just not have the capacity or skill set to set up a kid-friendly house. I do get lots of "thank you's" from two of the 3 sets of parents, so I know their appreciative.
I'm definitely going to talk to my own kids and see if we can all agree on some boundaries in regards to the amount of time spent here. My older son sometimes gets tired of playing after awhile and will go do his own thing, but he still wants the friends to stay. I think he knows how much they like being here and doesn't want to send them home even when he's had enough.
Thanks again:)
Julie v.
Thanks so much for your reply. I love your suggestions and ideas!
Our house is the most kid-friendly house with lots of stuff for the kids to do, whereas if they happen to go to one of the other houses where there isn't much to do, they end up right back at our house within a 1/2 hour. I like that my children are the most comfortable here at our house as well, and for the most part wouldn't want them hanging out at 2 of the neighbors due to the reasons I stated.
I love the idea of having them over for dinner on occasion, they would all love it! We have had the girl next door over for dinner on quite a few occasions due to her parents being unavailable (usually partying). I also like that the two kids have a sort of "safe haven" if you will at our house to feel respected and listened to and the one has expressed on more than one occasion that she wished she lived with us:(
My post came on the heels of this being the last week before summer break for these kids, and I know their just happy and excited and feeling free to actually play in larger blocks of time, whereas during the school year we hardly see them.
I think your right in saying that the parents might just not have the capacity or skill set to set up a kid-friendly house. I do get lots of "thank you's" from two of the 3 sets of parents, so I know their appreciative.
I'm definitely going to talk to my own kids and see if we can all agree on some boundaries in regards to the amount of time spent here. My older son sometimes gets tired of playing after awhile and will go do his own thing, but he still wants the friends to stay. I think he knows how much they like being here and doesn't want to send them home even when he's had enough.
Thanks again:)
Julie v.
--- In [email protected], "wtexans" <wtexans@...> wrote:
>
> ===I'm wishing for at least a couple or few whole days with just our family and no one else.===
>
> It's perfectly okay to tell them, "tomorrow we have plans so don't come over, but we'll be glad for you to come over the day after". If they still show up the day you want to do family-only things, or if you've not given them prior notice about that, when they show up just let them know y'all have plans for the day and you'll be happy for them to come over the next day.
>
>
> ===Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few hours in the evening and on weekends.===
>
> It's okay to have a set time when friends need to head home. It might help to talk with your boys about it beforehand, if you haven't already, so they understand why you'll be asking the other kids to go home at a certain time. If you and your husband like to chat and catch up a bit when he gets home from work, maybe the neighbor kids could hang out for half an hour or so after your hubby gets home, giving you and your hubby a chance to reconnect, then you can remind the kids it's time for them to go home.
>
>
> ===Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the week.===
>
> When it's near time for y'all to eat lunch or dinner, tell them they need to run home and eat and they can come back in an hour or at "x" time. Maybe once a week you can treat them to dinner at your house - homemade pizzas or something really cool that they may not get at their own homes, something they can look forward to.
>
>
> ===I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs===
>
> When we were kids, both of my parents worked all day. They owned a business that was located at the far end of our street, so they were physically nearby, but they didn't come home for lunch or anything liek that. We were on our own during the summers. My neighbor friends' moms were SAHMs, so there were always several moms at home most days. Even though we had a pool, we couldn't swim at our house without an adult at home and there wasn't an adult at home during the day. But a friend who lived on the same street also had a pool and her mom was nearly always home during the day, so the whole gang of kids on our street often ended up swimming at that friend's house. Another friend's family had board games, a trampoline, and a small fort of sorts in the backyard. Those hours were more fun to be at when I wanted to hang out with my friends.
>
> I don't think my mom didn't care that we would rather be at someone else's house, rather it was more that her focus was elsewhere (running a business). She grew up in an environment in which everyone pretty much was on their own with no real parental guidance or support or input, so setting up a house to be kid-friendly and inviting to neighbor kids wasn't in her skillset. The few times when friends would be over, my mom and stepdad would be segregated off into their bedroom and us kids would be on our own -- it didn't create that kind of welcoming environment I'd feel when at my friends' houses where their moms would be visible and available and involved to some extent with us.
>
> So, it may not be that the kids' parents don't care their kids would rather be at your house than their own, maybe it's that the parents don't have the skills to create the kind of home that is the house at which all the kids want to gather. Maybe it's a relief for them to know their kids have a safe place to be, someplace where they're able to be with other kids rather than bored at home.
>
>
> ===I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3 children===
>
> But you're not obligated to host them to the point of being worn out, nor should you feel like a babysitter. It's your home and your family, so it's up to you to set whatever boundaries are needed to ensure you all get the kind of downtime you want / need. You want to enjoy having them over, not dread it.
>
> When they come over, give them a heads-up right then that they'll need to leave in an hour or two hours or at "x" time, then remind them as that time gets closer.
>
> Be firm and specific in your wording: "You need to go home and eat now, we'll see you in an hour / tomorrow / etc." rather than "maybe you want to go home now?" or "is it time for you to go eat?".
>
> Glenda
>
Christina Rieck
Could you do a colored flag to hang out so they have a physical sign of when
they can come? Green mean comes and Red means stay home? You can even
change colors when they are home. "Hey guys, I am changing the flag to red
but I will change it to green later on today."
It might be helpful for them to have a physical sign.
I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.
We are going to have lots of kids here this summer so I am trying to figure
out what it will look like for our family too because this is the first year
I think this will be happening so I am happy to be reading this. So far,
with snacks, I offer them up. If it gets to expensive, I will stop. As
long as we can afford it, I don't mind doing it. However, when that changes
in me, I will reevaluate.
I might suggest to the kids at snack time that if they want something they
will have to go home and get a snack but they can bring it back. I know
that is hard, but it is better than feeling obligated to provide a snack.
It might also be helpful to just talk to the parents and tell them the truth
(be honest). If you can't afford it, maybe the parents can volunteer to buy
snacks too.
Good Luck.
Christina
they can come? Green mean comes and Red means stay home? You can even
change colors when they are home. "Hey guys, I am changing the flag to red
but I will change it to green later on today."
It might be helpful for them to have a physical sign.
I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.
We are going to have lots of kids here this summer so I am trying to figure
out what it will look like for our family too because this is the first year
I think this will be happening so I am happy to be reading this. So far,
with snacks, I offer them up. If it gets to expensive, I will stop. As
long as we can afford it, I don't mind doing it. However, when that changes
in me, I will reevaluate.
I might suggest to the kids at snack time that if they want something they
will have to go home and get a snack but they can bring it back. I know
that is hard, but it is better than feeling obligated to provide a snack.
It might also be helpful to just talk to the parents and tell them the truth
(be honest). If you can't afford it, maybe the parents can volunteer to buy
snacks too.
Good Luck.
Christina
On Thu, Jun 3, 2010 at 2:47 PM, wtexans <wtexans@...> wrote:
>
>
> ===I'm wishing for at least a couple or few whole days with just our family
> and no one else.===
>
> It's perfectly okay to tell them, "tomorrow we have plans so don't come
> over, but we'll be glad for you to come over the day after". If they still
> show up the day you want to do family-only things, or if you've not given
> them prior notice about that, when they show up just let them know y'all
> have plans for the day and you'll be happy for them to come over the next
> day.
>
> ===Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are
> here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few
> hours in the evening and on weekends.===
>
> It's okay to have a set time when friends need to head home. It might help
> to talk with your boys about it beforehand, if you haven't already, so they
> understand why you'll be asking the other kids to go home at a certain time.
> If you and your husband like to chat and catch up a bit when he gets home
> from work, maybe the neighbor kids could hang out for half an hour or so
> after your hubby gets home, giving you and your hubby a chance to reconnect,
> then you can remind the kids it's time for them to go home.
>
> ===Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their
> hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the
> week.===
>
> When it's near time for y'all to eat lunch or dinner, tell them they need
> to run home and eat and they can come back in an hour or at "x" time. Maybe
> once a week you can treat them to dinner at your house - homemade pizzas or
> something really cool that they may not get at their own homes, something
> they can look forward to.
>
> ===I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care
> that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs===
>
> When we were kids, both of my parents worked all day. They owned a business
> that was located at the far end of our street, so they were physically
> nearby, but they didn't come home for lunch or anything liek that. We were
> on our own during the summers. My neighbor friends' moms were SAHMs, so
> there were always several moms at home most days. Even though we had a pool,
> we couldn't swim at our house without an adult at home and there wasn't an
> adult at home during the day. But a friend who lived on the same street also
> had a pool and her mom was nearly always home during the day, so the whole
> gang of kids on our street often ended up swimming at that friend's house.
> Another friend's family had board games, a trampoline, and a small fort of
> sorts in the backyard. Those hours were more fun to be at when I wanted to
> hang out with my friends.
>
> I don't think my mom didn't care that we would rather be at someone else's
> house, rather it was more that her focus was elsewhere (running a business).
> She grew up in an environment in which everyone pretty much was on their own
> with no real parental guidance or support or input, so setting up a house to
> be kid-friendly and inviting to neighbor kids wasn't in her skillset. The
> few times when friends would be over, my mom and stepdad would be segregated
> off into their bedroom and us kids would be on our own -- it didn't create
> that kind of welcoming environment I'd feel when at my friends' houses where
> their moms would be visible and available and involved to some extent with
> us.
>
> So, it may not be that the kids' parents don't care their kids would rather
> be at your house than their own, maybe it's that the parents don't have the
> skills to create the kind of home that is the house at which all the kids
> want to gather. Maybe it's a relief for them to know their kids have a safe
> place to be, someplace where they're able to be with other kids rather than
> bored at home.
>
> ===I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3
> children===
>
> But you're not obligated to host them to the point of being worn out, nor
> should you feel like a babysitter. It's your home and your family, so it's
> up to you to set whatever boundaries are needed to ensure you all get the
> kind of downtime you want / need. You want to enjoy having them over, not
> dread it.
>
> When they come over, give them a heads-up right then that they'll need to
> leave in an hour or two hours or at "x" time, then remind them as that time
> gets closer.
>
> Be firm and specific in your wording: "You need to go home and eat now,
> we'll see you in an hour / tomorrow / etc." rather than "maybe you want to
> go home now?" or "is it time for you to go eat?".
>
> Glenda
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.-=-
Could you clarify that, please?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Could you clarify that, please?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Christina Rieck
-=-I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.-=-
Could you clarify that, please?
Yes. I mean obligated. I want to do things because I can and I want to and
not because I feel obligated. If she is feeding the kids because she can
and she wants to, there is something that seems more "fun and free" about
that. However, if she is feeding the kids and having them at her house for
long hours because she feels like she should (I should because I don't want
my kids to be disapointed, I should because I don't want their feeling to be
hurt, I should because I am a nice person, etc), it changes it to a
disempowering type feeling.
I just think changing the word to "can" makes it feel like we have a choice,
and she certainly does have a choice here.
I hope that makes sense and thanks for asking me to clarify!
Christina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Could you clarify that, please?
Yes. I mean obligated. I want to do things because I can and I want to and
not because I feel obligated. If she is feeding the kids because she can
and she wants to, there is something that seems more "fun and free" about
that. However, if she is feeding the kids and having them at her house for
long hours because she feels like she should (I should because I don't want
my kids to be disapointed, I should because I don't want their feeling to be
hurt, I should because I am a nice person, etc), it changes it to a
disempowering type feeling.
I just think changing the word to "can" makes it feel like we have a choice,
and she certainly does have a choice here.
I hope that makes sense and thanks for asking me to clarify!
Christina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=--=-I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.-=-
-=-Could you clarify that, please?
-=-Yes. I mean obligated. I want to do things because I can and I want
to and
not because I feel obligated. -=-
If a mother's choices inconvenience the children, it's not so easy as
it might be for a single young person to only do what she can and
wants to do.
There ARE obligations in life, and there are things people think they
should be doing for good reasons.
Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, when considering
how to decide what to do.
-=- If she is feeding the kids because she can
and she wants to, there is something that seems more "fun and free"
about
that. However, if she is feeding the kids and having them at her house
for
long hours because she feels like she should (I should because I don't
want
my kids to be disapointed, I should because I don't want their feeling
to be
hurt, I should because I am a nice person, etc), it changes it to a
disempowering type feeling.-=-
Mothers should consider their children's feelings, though. Not so
much the neighbors' but in this explanation it seems that "my kids"
are in the same category as neighbors.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-Could you clarify that, please?
-=-Yes. I mean obligated. I want to do things because I can and I want
to and
not because I feel obligated. -=-
If a mother's choices inconvenience the children, it's not so easy as
it might be for a single young person to only do what she can and
wants to do.
There ARE obligations in life, and there are things people think they
should be doing for good reasons.
Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, when considering
how to decide what to do.
-=- If she is feeding the kids because she can
and she wants to, there is something that seems more "fun and free"
about
that. However, if she is feeding the kids and having them at her house
for
long hours because she feels like she should (I should because I don't
want
my kids to be disapointed, I should because I don't want their feeling
to be
hurt, I should because I am a nice person, etc), it changes it to a
disempowering type feeling.-=-
Mothers should consider their children's feelings, though. Not so
much the neighbors' but in this explanation it seems that "my kids"
are in the same category as neighbors.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Christina Rieck
===There ARE obligations in life, and there are things people think they
should be doing for good reasons.
Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, when considering
how to decide what to do.===
I agree that there are obligations in life. In fact, I was going to mention
that but I wasn't quite sure how to say it eloquently. Yes, there are
things that I want do for very good reasons. I want to take care of the
needs of my children because I can and they are mine and it feels like the
right thing to do. I want to stand up for justice issues because I can and
it feels important to me. I want to stop at stop signs because I know that
they help maintain safety. There are many things I want to do that can look
like a "should" but really are desires to live in harmony with myself and
the people around me.
I think the situation at hand is one that she could leave the "should" word
out of . If she is wanting the kids over, I think that is great. If she is
feeling like she "should" have the kids over, I think there is an
opportunity to explore why she is feeling like she "should".
===Mothers should consider their children's feelings, though. Not so
much the neighbors' but in this explanation it seems that "my kids"
are in the same category as neighbors.===
Of course we should consider our children's feelings, but I do that because
I want to more so than I "should"!
My intention was not to imply that her kids were in the same category as the
other children. I think it is okay to understand that her children may feel
discouraged that she wants the friends to go home, but I think that if it is
done with creativity and empathy, everyone in the family can be honored. I
also think it is important to honor ourselves in situations like this too.
She clearly is feeling anxious about the neighborhood kids bombarding their
house again this summer, and if she just keeps allowing it and let's the
resentment build up, I am certain it will bleed into her relationships with
her family members in ways that she may/may not recognize.
So, I believe she *can *consider her children's feelings while exploring her
own feelings and come up with something as a family that will be creative
and help this situation out.
I personally get hung up with the word "should". I feel more empowered when
I choose different words (can/desire/want). I "should" wash the laundry
just makes me grunt inside, but I "can" wash the laundry lifts the my
spirits a bit. I "should" let the kids play here feels heavy, but I "can"
let the kids play here seems freeing. I just thought the situation seemed
like one that "should" could enter the thought process a lot in ways that
might allow a situation that has not been feeling good to just keep on
getting worse. I am actually feeling sorry I even put in that sentence in
my first post because it has seemed to derail the entire topic. *sigh*
Now back to the original topic, I am curious to read the creative ways
people handle the situations mentioned in the opening post.
should be doing for good reasons.
Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, when considering
how to decide what to do.===
I agree that there are obligations in life. In fact, I was going to mention
that but I wasn't quite sure how to say it eloquently. Yes, there are
things that I want do for very good reasons. I want to take care of the
needs of my children because I can and they are mine and it feels like the
right thing to do. I want to stand up for justice issues because I can and
it feels important to me. I want to stop at stop signs because I know that
they help maintain safety. There are many things I want to do that can look
like a "should" but really are desires to live in harmony with myself and
the people around me.
I think the situation at hand is one that she could leave the "should" word
out of . If she is wanting the kids over, I think that is great. If she is
feeling like she "should" have the kids over, I think there is an
opportunity to explore why she is feeling like she "should".
===Mothers should consider their children's feelings, though. Not so
much the neighbors' but in this explanation it seems that "my kids"
are in the same category as neighbors.===
Of course we should consider our children's feelings, but I do that because
I want to more so than I "should"!
My intention was not to imply that her kids were in the same category as the
other children. I think it is okay to understand that her children may feel
discouraged that she wants the friends to go home, but I think that if it is
done with creativity and empathy, everyone in the family can be honored. I
also think it is important to honor ourselves in situations like this too.
She clearly is feeling anxious about the neighborhood kids bombarding their
house again this summer, and if she just keeps allowing it and let's the
resentment build up, I am certain it will bleed into her relationships with
her family members in ways that she may/may not recognize.
So, I believe she *can *consider her children's feelings while exploring her
own feelings and come up with something as a family that will be creative
and help this situation out.
I personally get hung up with the word "should". I feel more empowered when
I choose different words (can/desire/want). I "should" wash the laundry
just makes me grunt inside, but I "can" wash the laundry lifts the my
spirits a bit. I "should" let the kids play here feels heavy, but I "can"
let the kids play here seems freeing. I just thought the situation seemed
like one that "should" could enter the thought process a lot in ways that
might allow a situation that has not been feeling good to just keep on
getting worse. I am actually feeling sorry I even put in that sentence in
my first post because it has seemed to derail the entire topic. *sigh*
Now back to the original topic, I am curious to read the creative ways
people handle the situations mentioned in the opening post.
On Thu, Jun 3, 2010 at 11:13 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
>
> -=--=-I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.-=-
>
>
> -=-Could you clarify that, please?
>
> -=-Yes. I mean obligated. I want to do things because I can and I want
> to and
> not because I feel obligated. -=-
>
> If a mother's choices inconvenience the children, it's not so easy as
> it might be for a single young person to only do what she can and
> wants to do.
>
> There ARE obligations in life, and there are things people think they
> should be doing for good reasons.
> Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, when considering
> how to decide what to do.
>
> -=- If she is feeding the kids because she can
>
> and she wants to, there is something that seems more "fun and free"
> about
> that. However, if she is feeding the kids and having them at her house
> for
> long hours because she feels like she should (I should because I don't
> want
> my kids to be disapointed, I should because I don't want their feeling
> to be
> hurt, I should because I am a nice person, etc), it changes it to a
> disempowering type feeling.-=-
>
> Mothers should consider their children's feelings, though. Not so
> much the neighbors' but in this explanation it seems that "my kids"
> are in the same category as neighbors.
>
> Sandra
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
keetry
== I'm definitely going to talk to my own kids and see if we can all agree on some boundaries in regards to the amount of time spent here.==
This sort of addresses something I was thinking with respect to what was said in another post.
Specifically, what do you do when one parent only as a few hours a day during the work week and weekends to spend with the family but there are always other kids around? This has been an issue at our house in the past. My husband thought that he should be able to have his home to himself and have peace and quiet without a bunch of kids hanging around, aside from our own. The problem with that was that Ethan would get extremely upset if we sent his friends home at a certain time or said they couldn't be over to play that day. Then not only did we not get some nice, fun family time with the kids and my husband, my husband didn't get his peace and quiet because Ethan would be crying and screaming. That was not fun for anyone. Talking to Ethan about it ahead of time to try to come up with an agreement didn't work. He just wanted his friends around. My husband finally realized that it was more peaceful and better for their relationship if he allowed the friends to be here.
So, my question is, what do you do if one or both parents want times when it's just the family (as has been suggested here many times) but the kids are absolutely opposed?
Alysia
This sort of addresses something I was thinking with respect to what was said in another post.
Specifically, what do you do when one parent only as a few hours a day during the work week and weekends to spend with the family but there are always other kids around? This has been an issue at our house in the past. My husband thought that he should be able to have his home to himself and have peace and quiet without a bunch of kids hanging around, aside from our own. The problem with that was that Ethan would get extremely upset if we sent his friends home at a certain time or said they couldn't be over to play that day. Then not only did we not get some nice, fun family time with the kids and my husband, my husband didn't get his peace and quiet because Ethan would be crying and screaming. That was not fun for anyone. Talking to Ethan about it ahead of time to try to come up with an agreement didn't work. He just wanted his friends around. My husband finally realized that it was more peaceful and better for their relationship if he allowed the friends to be here.
So, my question is, what do you do if one or both parents want times when it's just the family (as has been suggested here many times) but the kids are absolutely opposed?
Alysia
keetry
== I might suggest to the kids at snack time that if they want something they will have to go home and get a snack but they can bring it back. ==
I have done this. There is one boy who was always over at our house. He ate dinner with us almost every night. When snacks were offered he would inhale most of whatever it was before anyone else could get much. He would eat an entire bag of potato chips or box of crackers. I finally had to tell him that he would have to go home to eat if he was hungry because I just couldn't afford to feed him all the time. When he's here the kids get water to drink most of the time. When I do put out snacks, it's a limited amount and when that's gone, they don't get more. I tell my son if he's really hungry and wants more to eat, we can ask his friend to go home until we are done eating.
I'm friends with his parents so I was able to talk to them about the situation, too. They are very understanding. When my husband is home and we aren't paying for two households anymore, I'm sure he'll be over eating more often. That's fine with me as long as we can afford it.
I had to do the same thing with my oldest son's friends. Feeding 3-5 older teen guys every day is virtually impossible! I don't mind if they a bit of something every once in a while but I had a serious problem when they'd eat all of something so that none was left for the little ones.
Alysia
I have done this. There is one boy who was always over at our house. He ate dinner with us almost every night. When snacks were offered he would inhale most of whatever it was before anyone else could get much. He would eat an entire bag of potato chips or box of crackers. I finally had to tell him that he would have to go home to eat if he was hungry because I just couldn't afford to feed him all the time. When he's here the kids get water to drink most of the time. When I do put out snacks, it's a limited amount and when that's gone, they don't get more. I tell my son if he's really hungry and wants more to eat, we can ask his friend to go home until we are done eating.
I'm friends with his parents so I was able to talk to them about the situation, too. They are very understanding. When my husband is home and we aren't paying for two households anymore, I'm sure he'll be over eating more often. That's fine with me as long as we can afford it.
I had to do the same thing with my oldest son's friends. Feeding 3-5 older teen guys every day is virtually impossible! I don't mind if they a bit of something every once in a while but I had a serious problem when they'd eat all of something so that none was left for the little ones.
Alysia
Julie van der Wekken
I guess we'll see how much the need to be here is as the summer progresses. If it is a high need, then I think a flag sign is definitely a great idea. Thanks for suggesting it. It's been different over the past few years as far as neighbors hanging out here. A couple that used to hang out have since moved and last year it was only 1 or 2. Now there are 3 consistently and sometimes 4.
For the most part while school has been in session, snacks weren't much of an issue unless it was on saturday, as they would come after school and then leave right before dinner (although I noticed that some were extremely hungry before their parents came to get them for dinner).
I think sending them home at "lunchtime" and then saying they can come back is a great idea, as well as getting snacks at home and bringing them back.
Julie v.
For the most part while school has been in session, snacks weren't much of an issue unless it was on saturday, as they would come after school and then leave right before dinner (although I noticed that some were extremely hungry before their parents came to get them for dinner).
I think sending them home at "lunchtime" and then saying they can come back is a great idea, as well as getting snacks at home and bringing them back.
Julie v.
--- In [email protected], Christina Rieck <christinamrieck@...> wrote:
>
> Could you do a colored flag to hang out so they have a physical sign of when
> they can come? Green mean comes and Red means stay home? You can even
> change colors when they are home. "Hey guys, I am changing the flag to red
> but I will change it to green later on today."
>
> It might be helpful for them to have a physical sign.
>
> I would not do anything you think you "should" be doing.
>
> We are going to have lots of kids here this summer so I am trying to figure
> out what it will look like for our family too because this is the first year
> I think this will be happening so I am happy to be reading this. So far,
> with snacks, I offer them up. If it gets to expensive, I will stop. As
> long as we can afford it, I don't mind doing it. However, when that changes
> in me, I will reevaluate.
>
> I might suggest to the kids at snack time that if they want something they
> will have to go home and get a snack but they can bring it back. I know
> that is hard, but it is better than feeling obligated to provide a snack.
> It might also be helpful to just talk to the parents and tell them the truth
> (be honest). If you can't afford it, maybe the parents can volunteer to buy
> snacks too.
>
> Good Luck.
>
> Christina
>
> On Thu, Jun 3, 2010 at 2:47 PM, wtexans <wtexans@...> wrote:
>
> >
> >
> > ===I'm wishing for at least a couple or few whole days with just our family
> > and no one else.===
> >
> > It's perfectly okay to tell them, "tomorrow we have plans so don't come
> > over, but we'll be glad for you to come over the day after". If they still
> > show up the day you want to do family-only things, or if you've not given
> > them prior notice about that, when they show up just let them know y'all
> > have plans for the day and you'll be happy for them to come over the next
> > day.
> >
> > ===Also my husband works long hours and when he gets home these kids are
> > here and I feel like it cuts into my boys time with him, which is only a few
> > hours in the evening and on weekends.===
> >
> > It's okay to have a set time when friends need to head home. It might help
> > to talk with your boys about it beforehand, if you haven't already, so they
> > understand why you'll be asking the other kids to go home at a certain time.
> > If you and your husband like to chat and catch up a bit when he gets home
> > from work, maybe the neighbor kids could hang out for half an hour or so
> > after your hubby gets home, giving you and your hubby a chance to reconnect,
> > then you can remind the kids it's time for them to go home.
> >
> > ===Another thing that has cropped up is that when the kids are here, their
> > hungry and I can't afford to be feeding 3 extra kids for a good part of the
> > week.===
> >
> > When it's near time for y'all to eat lunch or dinner, tell them they need
> > to run home and eat and they can come back in an hour or at "x" time. Maybe
> > once a week you can treat them to dinner at your house - homemade pizzas or
> > something really cool that they may not get at their own homes, something
> > they can look forward to.
> >
> > ===I also feel resentful at the parents themselves, who seem not to care
> > that their kids would rather be at our house than theirs===
> >
> > When we were kids, both of my parents worked all day. They owned a business
> > that was located at the far end of our street, so they were physically
> > nearby, but they didn't come home for lunch or anything liek that. We were
> > on our own during the summers. My neighbor friends' moms were SAHMs, so
> > there were always several moms at home most days. Even though we had a pool,
> > we couldn't swim at our house without an adult at home and there wasn't an
> > adult at home during the day. But a friend who lived on the same street also
> > had a pool and her mom was nearly always home during the day, so the whole
> > gang of kids on our street often ended up swimming at that friend's house.
> > Another friend's family had board games, a trampoline, and a small fort of
> > sorts in the backyard. Those hours were more fun to be at when I wanted to
> > hang out with my friends.
> >
> > I don't think my mom didn't care that we would rather be at someone else's
> > house, rather it was more that her focus was elsewhere (running a business).
> > She grew up in an environment in which everyone pretty much was on their own
> > with no real parental guidance or support or input, so setting up a house to
> > be kid-friendly and inviting to neighbor kids wasn't in her skillset. The
> > few times when friends would be over, my mom and stepdad would be segregated
> > off into their bedroom and us kids would be on our own -- it didn't create
> > that kind of welcoming environment I'd feel when at my friends' houses where
> > their moms would be visible and available and involved to some extent with
> > us.
> >
> > So, it may not be that the kids' parents don't care their kids would rather
> > be at your house than their own, maybe it's that the parents don't have the
> > skills to create the kind of home that is the house at which all the kids
> > want to gather. Maybe it's a relief for them to know their kids have a safe
> > place to be, someplace where they're able to be with other kids rather than
> > bored at home.
> >
> > ===I guess I'm feeling a bit spent after a week of hosting these 3
> > children===
> >
> > But you're not obligated to host them to the point of being worn out, nor
> > should you feel like a babysitter. It's your home and your family, so it's
> > up to you to set whatever boundaries are needed to ensure you all get the
> > kind of downtime you want / need. You want to enjoy having them over, not
> > dread it.
> >
> > When they come over, give them a heads-up right then that they'll need to
> > leave in an hour or two hours or at "x" time, then remind them as that time
> > gets closer.
> >
> > Be firm and specific in your wording: "You need to go home and eat now,
> > we'll see you in an hour / tomorrow / etc." rather than "maybe you want to
> > go home now?" or "is it time for you to go eat?".
> >
> > Glenda
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
wtexans
===My husband thought that he should be able to have his home to himself and have peace and quiet without a bunch of kids hanging around, aside from our own. The problem with that was that Ethan would get extremely upset if we sent his friends home at a certain time or said they couldn't be over to play that day.===
Is your house big enough that if your husband is in your bedroom with the door closed, much of the kid-noise is muffled? If so, what could you do to make your bedroom a nice place to which he / y'all can retreat when he gets home from work -- a place where he can have some quiet and downtime while he unwinds and shifts from "employee" to "dad" mode?
Can your son's room be set up so that when your hubby gets home from work, the kids can hang out in your son's room with the door shut?
Just last year we moved Andrew's PC and all of the video game systems from the living room into his bedroom, so that now when he's gaming online with friends late at night or when he has friends over and they're gaming late I can close the door to his room and keep the brunt of the noise confined to his room while Rodney sleeps. Our house is small though, so Rodney runs a room air filter on high to create white noise when he goes to bed (and now that summer has set in, the window A/C adds more white noise). We added a window A/C to Andrew's room recently so that the room wouldn't get sweltering hot with the door closed (because of all the heat generated by the computer and gaming systems).
I think it's important for the parent who works out of the house / out of town (is your hubby still working out of town for big chunks of time???) to be able to come home and have that quiet and downtime, if that's what they need to transition from "work" mode to "home" mode.
Your hubby's income funds, to some degree (maybe all?), your ability to be at home and to unschool, right? Is your son old enough to understand that? If so, approaching it from the perspective of "because of what your Dad does, we get to do what we want to, so let's respect his need for quiet and downtime and his desire to spend time with us when he's home" might be helpful for your son -- then ask him for his input on ways to help make that happen.
If your son and his friends have access to your house for much of the day, take advantage of that and have the friends over while your husband is at work. Have them sleep over lots when your hubby is working out of town. Let their cups overflow with time spent together at your house, so that when your hubby's home the kids won't feel deprived of time together when the friends go home.
I have other ideas, but this post is long so I'll stop here :).
Glenda
Is your house big enough that if your husband is in your bedroom with the door closed, much of the kid-noise is muffled? If so, what could you do to make your bedroom a nice place to which he / y'all can retreat when he gets home from work -- a place where he can have some quiet and downtime while he unwinds and shifts from "employee" to "dad" mode?
Can your son's room be set up so that when your hubby gets home from work, the kids can hang out in your son's room with the door shut?
Just last year we moved Andrew's PC and all of the video game systems from the living room into his bedroom, so that now when he's gaming online with friends late at night or when he has friends over and they're gaming late I can close the door to his room and keep the brunt of the noise confined to his room while Rodney sleeps. Our house is small though, so Rodney runs a room air filter on high to create white noise when he goes to bed (and now that summer has set in, the window A/C adds more white noise). We added a window A/C to Andrew's room recently so that the room wouldn't get sweltering hot with the door closed (because of all the heat generated by the computer and gaming systems).
I think it's important for the parent who works out of the house / out of town (is your hubby still working out of town for big chunks of time???) to be able to come home and have that quiet and downtime, if that's what they need to transition from "work" mode to "home" mode.
Your hubby's income funds, to some degree (maybe all?), your ability to be at home and to unschool, right? Is your son old enough to understand that? If so, approaching it from the perspective of "because of what your Dad does, we get to do what we want to, so let's respect his need for quiet and downtime and his desire to spend time with us when he's home" might be helpful for your son -- then ask him for his input on ways to help make that happen.
If your son and his friends have access to your house for much of the day, take advantage of that and have the friends over while your husband is at work. Have them sleep over lots when your hubby is working out of town. Let their cups overflow with time spent together at your house, so that when your hubby's home the kids won't feel deprived of time together when the friends go home.
I have other ideas, but this post is long so I'll stop here :).
Glenda
Sandra Dodd
-=-Of course we should consider our children's feelings, but I do that
because
I want to more so than I "should"!-=-
It doesn't matter, though, does it? If you were the kind of person
who didn't consider your children's feelings or that you didn't think
you should, you wouldn't be on this list.
IF people want to move further into understanding unschooling, then
they should want to consider their children's feelings. It's more
than a "should." "Should" is kind of wimpy.
So a mother isn't in a "MUST" let the neighbors visit situation.
Sometimes she's in a "should" let the neighbors visit.
Rather than focussing on the neighbors, focus on your own children.
What do your children want? How can you set up a situation where
they're busy, well occupied, emotionally safe, intellectually
stimulated, all that? One situation doesn't fit all. They need a
variety of experiences. Neighbors all the time isn't it. Neighbors-
NEVER isn't it.
http://sandradodd.com/balance
-=-I think the situation at hand is one that she could leave the
"should" word
out of . If she is wanting the kids over, I think that is great. If
she is
feeling like she "should" have the kids over, I think there is an
opportunity to explore why she is feeling like she "should".-=-
That whole paragraph leaves out that mother's partner-kids, her own
children.
-=-I am actually feeling sorry I even put in that sentence in
my first post because it has seemed to derail the entire topic. *sigh*-
=-
The point of the list is to examine factors, and your comment didn't
"derail" anything. It created a new track. That's fine.
-=-I personally get hung up with the word "should". I feel more
empowered when
I choose different words (can/desire/want). I "should" wash the laundry
just makes me grunt inside, but I "can" wash the laundry lifts the my
spirits a bit. I "should" let the kids play here feels heavy, but I
"can"
let the kids play here seems freeing. -=-
http://sandradodd.com/choices
You can practice making choices without labelling things "should" or
"can," but looking at which choice takes you closer to unschooling, or
closer to peace, or closer to getting protein into a hungry,
frustrated child, or whatever.
If "should" is a personal hangup, then getting over that would help
with unschooling, because mothers SHOULD want to do things for their
children. :-)
Sandra
(about to leave for Detroit; odd, since the destination is Newark and
I'm in Montreal, but that's what "let's see the cheapest flights" can
get you...)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
because
I want to more so than I "should"!-=-
It doesn't matter, though, does it? If you were the kind of person
who didn't consider your children's feelings or that you didn't think
you should, you wouldn't be on this list.
IF people want to move further into understanding unschooling, then
they should want to consider their children's feelings. It's more
than a "should." "Should" is kind of wimpy.
So a mother isn't in a "MUST" let the neighbors visit situation.
Sometimes she's in a "should" let the neighbors visit.
Rather than focussing on the neighbors, focus on your own children.
What do your children want? How can you set up a situation where
they're busy, well occupied, emotionally safe, intellectually
stimulated, all that? One situation doesn't fit all. They need a
variety of experiences. Neighbors all the time isn't it. Neighbors-
NEVER isn't it.
http://sandradodd.com/balance
-=-I think the situation at hand is one that she could leave the
"should" word
out of . If she is wanting the kids over, I think that is great. If
she is
feeling like she "should" have the kids over, I think there is an
opportunity to explore why she is feeling like she "should".-=-
That whole paragraph leaves out that mother's partner-kids, her own
children.
-=-I am actually feeling sorry I even put in that sentence in
my first post because it has seemed to derail the entire topic. *sigh*-
=-
The point of the list is to examine factors, and your comment didn't
"derail" anything. It created a new track. That's fine.
-=-I personally get hung up with the word "should". I feel more
empowered when
I choose different words (can/desire/want). I "should" wash the laundry
just makes me grunt inside, but I "can" wash the laundry lifts the my
spirits a bit. I "should" let the kids play here feels heavy, but I
"can"
let the kids play here seems freeing. -=-
http://sandradodd.com/choices
You can practice making choices without labelling things "should" or
"can," but looking at which choice takes you closer to unschooling, or
closer to peace, or closer to getting protein into a hungry,
frustrated child, or whatever.
If "should" is a personal hangup, then getting over that would help
with unschooling, because mothers SHOULD want to do things for their
children. :-)
Sandra
(about to leave for Detroit; odd, since the destination is Newark and
I'm in Montreal, but that's what "let's see the cheapest flights" can
get you...)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]