after the fact
verde_mama
So, I'm wondering how some of you handle things after you've had your less-than-ideal unschooling moments. For example, today I had my 3-week old daughter crying loudly in one arm while I was trying to wipe my 3 yo daughter's butt for her and my 7 y.o. daughter comes in shouting some question about the iCarly website. I yelled something along the lines of "Will you shut up, can''t you see I'm a little busy?" (straight out of my own mother's mouth, it seemed).
I apologized to my older daughter after everything had calmed down, and explained to her about feeling overwhelmed, and how she feels if things are being asked of her when she's busy with something else. In retrospect, I was wondering how I could have handled the apology better, because i'm bound to lose my patience again sometime, and I don't want to turn an apology into a justification for why I yelled at her.
Thanks in advance for your ideas on what to do after the fact when you lose your patience.
Nikole
I apologized to my older daughter after everything had calmed down, and explained to her about feeling overwhelmed, and how she feels if things are being asked of her when she's busy with something else. In retrospect, I was wondering how I could have handled the apology better, because i'm bound to lose my patience again sometime, and I don't want to turn an apology into a justification for why I yelled at her.
Thanks in advance for your ideas on what to do after the fact when you lose your patience.
Nikole
Sandra Dodd
-=-So, I'm wondering how some of you handle things after you've had
your less-than-ideal unschooling moments.-=-
I apologize, explain, and go out of my way to make amends.
But more important than that is to think carefully about what I could
have done better to prevent the bad moment. You only get a few dozen
opportunities in a lifetime for profuse apologies. After that nobody
cares anymore. It is possible to screw up so many times that the
apologies are hollow.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
There's a sound file at the bottom of that page with some ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/mindfulparenting
http://sandradodd.com/being
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
your less-than-ideal unschooling moments.-=-
I apologize, explain, and go out of my way to make amends.
But more important than that is to think carefully about what I could
have done better to prevent the bad moment. You only get a few dozen
opportunities in a lifetime for profuse apologies. After that nobody
cares anymore. It is possible to screw up so many times that the
apologies are hollow.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
There's a sound file at the bottom of that page with some ideas.
http://sandradodd.com/mindfulparenting
http://sandradodd.com/being
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Stephanie LaBarge
<But more important than that is to think carefully about what I could
have done better to prevent the bad moment.>
I have been doing a lot of this careful thinking and today had somewhat a breakthrough with my middle daughter. Her older sister has a way of "pushing her buttons" and will use words to get her going, and then she will end up hitting or doing something else physical out of her anger, and then she'll say "it's her fault!!" In the past I would get angry myself (guess where she gets it from) or I would get stuck on telling her that what she does with her body is "her fault", no matter what her sister does to her. Well, today I really put that aside, I really was able to put myself in her shoes and realize how she felt and I was able to hold her and tell her I understood (not putting details here) but she melted and softened and I really was able to comfort her and help her deal with the feelings of anger and helplessness that she was feeling, and by her knowing that I "got it" she was able to "feel" that there truly was another option. By empathizing
with her it really helped ME too-- where in the past I would default into how I "thought" I should handle it, but when I was able to feel what she felt, and we really connected. A potentially bad moment became a beautiful moment of relationship.
I love what's happening in our family. :-)
Stephanie in Upstate NY
Mom to Lauren (10), Sophia (8) and Hallie (5)
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, May 10, 2010 8:52:56 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] after the fact
-=-So, I'm wondering how some of you handle things after you've had
your less-than-ideal unschooling moments.-=-
I apologize, explain, and go out of my way to make amends.
But more important than that is to think carefully about what I could
have done better to prevent the bad moment. You only get a few dozen
opportunities in a lifetime for profuse apologies. After that nobody
cares anymore. It is possible to screw up so many times that the
apologies are hollow.
http://sandradodd. com/parentingpea cefully
There's a sound file at the bottom of that page with some ideas.
http://sandradodd. com/mindfulparen ting
http://sandradodd. com/being
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
have done better to prevent the bad moment.>
I have been doing a lot of this careful thinking and today had somewhat a breakthrough with my middle daughter. Her older sister has a way of "pushing her buttons" and will use words to get her going, and then she will end up hitting or doing something else physical out of her anger, and then she'll say "it's her fault!!" In the past I would get angry myself (guess where she gets it from) or I would get stuck on telling her that what she does with her body is "her fault", no matter what her sister does to her. Well, today I really put that aside, I really was able to put myself in her shoes and realize how she felt and I was able to hold her and tell her I understood (not putting details here) but she melted and softened and I really was able to comfort her and help her deal with the feelings of anger and helplessness that she was feeling, and by her knowing that I "got it" she was able to "feel" that there truly was another option. By empathizing
with her it really helped ME too-- where in the past I would default into how I "thought" I should handle it, but when I was able to feel what she felt, and we really connected. A potentially bad moment became a beautiful moment of relationship.
I love what's happening in our family. :-)
Stephanie in Upstate NY
Mom to Lauren (10), Sophia (8) and Hallie (5)
________________________________
From: Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, May 10, 2010 8:52:56 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] after the fact
-=-So, I'm wondering how some of you handle things after you've had
your less-than-ideal unschooling moments.-=-
I apologize, explain, and go out of my way to make amends.
But more important than that is to think carefully about what I could
have done better to prevent the bad moment. You only get a few dozen
opportunities in a lifetime for profuse apologies. After that nobody
cares anymore. It is possible to screw up so many times that the
apologies are hollow.
http://sandradodd. com/parentingpea cefully
There's a sound file at the bottom of that page with some ideas.
http://sandradodd. com/mindfulparen ting
http://sandradodd. com/being
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
"I'm sorry. I lost it." is a really good response. If you want to explain how it wasn't about her and it was about how you were feeling in that moment, that's not a bad thing too.
Schuyler
________________________________
So, I'm wondering how some of you handle things after you've had your less-than-ideal unschooling moments. For example, today I had my 3-week old daughter crying loudly in one arm while I was trying to wipe my 3 yo daughter's butt for her and my 7 y.o. daughter comes in shouting some question about the iCarly website. I yelled something along the lines of "Will you shut up, can''t you see I'm a little busy?" (straight out of my own mother's mouth, it seemed).
I apologized to my older daughter after everything had calmed down, and explained to her about feeling overwhelmed, and how she feels if things are being asked of her when she's busy with something else. In retrospect, I was wondering how I could have handled the apology better, because i'm bound to lose my patience again sometime, and I don't want to turn an apology into a justification for why I yelled at her.
Thanks in advance for your ideas on what to do after the fact when you lose your patience.
Nikole
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
________________________________
So, I'm wondering how some of you handle things after you've had your less-than-ideal unschooling moments. For example, today I had my 3-week old daughter crying loudly in one arm while I was trying to wipe my 3 yo daughter's butt for her and my 7 y.o. daughter comes in shouting some question about the iCarly website. I yelled something along the lines of "Will you shut up, can''t you see I'm a little busy?" (straight out of my own mother's mouth, it seemed).
I apologized to my older daughter after everything had calmed down, and explained to her about feeling overwhelmed, and how she feels if things are being asked of her when she's busy with something else. In retrospect, I was wondering how I could have handled the apology better, because i'm bound to lose my patience again sometime, and I don't want to turn an apology into a justification for why I yelled at her.
Thanks in advance for your ideas on what to do after the fact when you lose your patience.
Nikole
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On May 11, 2010, at 5:28 AM, Schuyler wrote:
isn't, "I'm sorry" comes to mean "I'm sorry it bothers you" rather
than "I'm sorry I did that and I'll try to do better next time."
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> "I'm sorry. I lost it." is a really good response. If you want toAnd I'm sorry needs to feel like it's part of trying to change. If it
> explain how it wasn't about her and it was about how you were
> feeling in that moment, that's not a bad thing too.
isn't, "I'm sorry" comes to mean "I'm sorry it bothers you" rather
than "I'm sorry I did that and I'll try to do better next time."
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
NCMama
=-=I apologized to my older daughter after everything had calmed down, and explained to her about feeling overwhelmed, and how she feels if things are being asked of her when she's busy with something else.=-=
I wouldn't have asked for her empathy in this moment, by comparing your frustration to when she might get frustrated. It seems like you're asking for her understanding by doing that - and you don't need her understanding or empathy. It's an unfair comparison anyway; as an adult you have far more resources than a 7-year-old, in terms of managing your frustration and overwhelm.
You were asking her, by mentioning that, to NOT ask things of you when you're busy doing something else - something most 7-year-olds would have a very hard time remembering in the moment. And by putting her at bay, you could potentially miss a lot of the natural exuberance and excitement she has about things as they come up. Each moment is precious!
When I'm going through a tough time - worries, PMS, etc. - I remember to take a deep breath FIRST, and look at my sons in their eyes. Really connect with them - then yelling isn't an option. It took practice! But now, yelling happens only in fun, and it's been that way for quite a few years.
Caren
I wouldn't have asked for her empathy in this moment, by comparing your frustration to when she might get frustrated. It seems like you're asking for her understanding by doing that - and you don't need her understanding or empathy. It's an unfair comparison anyway; as an adult you have far more resources than a 7-year-old, in terms of managing your frustration and overwhelm.
You were asking her, by mentioning that, to NOT ask things of you when you're busy doing something else - something most 7-year-olds would have a very hard time remembering in the moment. And by putting her at bay, you could potentially miss a lot of the natural exuberance and excitement she has about things as they come up. Each moment is precious!
When I'm going through a tough time - worries, PMS, etc. - I remember to take a deep breath FIRST, and look at my sons in their eyes. Really connect with them - then yelling isn't an option. It took practice! But now, yelling happens only in fun, and it's been that way for quite a few years.
Caren