stuck
rewiringma
Hello everyone. I am new on this list and I was hoping someone might say just the right thing to me that will help me see what is perhaps in my blindspot regarding my parenting. I have changed so so much over the last 8 years. Parenting was very black and white when I started and I was very proud of my consistency and my ability to hold fast to a punishment in the face of pleading and tears etc. I had a very well behaved daughter as a result and thought I knew a lot about parenting. I had used behaviour modification well, I shudder now to think of it.
Sandra Dodds website changed my families life, my whole view of children and control and love, over the last 4 years we have moved through various stages of deschooling and relearning and it has been amazing and all angst about whether or not my children will learn or not has long gone, and the need to control what they do has subsided and I got a wonderful compliment from my now 16 year old daughter when I noticed that if I did have a suggestion, opinion or advice she seemed to follow it, so I asked her why she thought my level of influence was so high and she said, "because I trust you to only say something like that if you genuinely think it is in my best interest and not for your own selfish needs like my friends parents" and I was blown away at how quickly she learned to trust me after years of misguided controlling parenting and I am really proud of how far we HAVE come, however I still have a long way to go and I am stuck.
I have 2 more younger children who have benefited from me having transformed a lot of my parenting while they were little. They sleep when and where they like, do what they choose, are helpful without being made to do jobs and spend their days on the computer, playing in the park with friends or playing lego..mostly.
My problem is I am boring. and I know it and I try and transform it but I keep coming back to boring and I don't know why I seem stuck. When the kids were very small I had a dozen or so things I could do..play doh, read to them, tickle fights etc and I had to FORCE myself at first, it felt so fake (well not the tickle fights...I can do that stuff naturally) but games etc felt SO boring that I really struggled, but it did get easier ...still not natural.
I watch parents who enthusiastically answer their kids questions and I try to be like that...but I can answer the actual question, then I scramble around inside my head for something else to add or do and I come up with nothing. Now that the kids are a bit bigger I can't think of anything fun or interesting to engage them with, because I don't find much fun or interesting and they seem happy plodding along but I really don't like the role model I'm being and I want to find things interesting, but again, when I try and think of things to do that might light them up...well heres the actual list I came up with. Its sat on the fridge for a while with no new things added.
bus into town
library
toast marshmallows
have hot choc with story
read
bake
bike
play board game
and I've rotated through it over and over, minus the bike ride as I keep quietly not bringing it up because I can't think of a worse thing to do (for me)
I do things out and quietly count the minutes till we can just go home and I hate that about myself but I am hoping that someone out there didn;t take to being interesting interested naturally and found a way to find inspiration.
I wrote a list of things that I enjoy the other day, was meant to be "what am I passionate about'....took me a really long time to think of anything. I got... Human behaviour/how brain works, and water slides.
I tried to think of childhood dreams. I wanted to Fly... I don't remember anything else. I know I very rarely got excited about anything and have always much rather someone told me "what happens" with any given thing ie and experiment, than actually have to do it.
How to you grow passion?
any ideas to help this ball rolling, I figure if the rest of who I've been can change so dramatically, so can this, but I've been struggling for a few years with this bit,
Thanks so much if you read this far
RM
Sandra Dodds website changed my families life, my whole view of children and control and love, over the last 4 years we have moved through various stages of deschooling and relearning and it has been amazing and all angst about whether or not my children will learn or not has long gone, and the need to control what they do has subsided and I got a wonderful compliment from my now 16 year old daughter when I noticed that if I did have a suggestion, opinion or advice she seemed to follow it, so I asked her why she thought my level of influence was so high and she said, "because I trust you to only say something like that if you genuinely think it is in my best interest and not for your own selfish needs like my friends parents" and I was blown away at how quickly she learned to trust me after years of misguided controlling parenting and I am really proud of how far we HAVE come, however I still have a long way to go and I am stuck.
I have 2 more younger children who have benefited from me having transformed a lot of my parenting while they were little. They sleep when and where they like, do what they choose, are helpful without being made to do jobs and spend their days on the computer, playing in the park with friends or playing lego..mostly.
My problem is I am boring. and I know it and I try and transform it but I keep coming back to boring and I don't know why I seem stuck. When the kids were very small I had a dozen or so things I could do..play doh, read to them, tickle fights etc and I had to FORCE myself at first, it felt so fake (well not the tickle fights...I can do that stuff naturally) but games etc felt SO boring that I really struggled, but it did get easier ...still not natural.
I watch parents who enthusiastically answer their kids questions and I try to be like that...but I can answer the actual question, then I scramble around inside my head for something else to add or do and I come up with nothing. Now that the kids are a bit bigger I can't think of anything fun or interesting to engage them with, because I don't find much fun or interesting and they seem happy plodding along but I really don't like the role model I'm being and I want to find things interesting, but again, when I try and think of things to do that might light them up...well heres the actual list I came up with. Its sat on the fridge for a while with no new things added.
bus into town
library
toast marshmallows
have hot choc with story
read
bake
bike
play board game
and I've rotated through it over and over, minus the bike ride as I keep quietly not bringing it up because I can't think of a worse thing to do (for me)
I do things out and quietly count the minutes till we can just go home and I hate that about myself but I am hoping that someone out there didn;t take to being interesting interested naturally and found a way to find inspiration.
I wrote a list of things that I enjoy the other day, was meant to be "what am I passionate about'....took me a really long time to think of anything. I got... Human behaviour/how brain works, and water slides.
I tried to think of childhood dreams. I wanted to Fly... I don't remember anything else. I know I very rarely got excited about anything and have always much rather someone told me "what happens" with any given thing ie and experiment, than actually have to do it.
How to you grow passion?
any ideas to help this ball rolling, I figure if the rest of who I've been can change so dramatically, so can this, but I've been struggling for a few years with this bit,
Thanks so much if you read this far
RM
Su Penn
On May 4, 2010, at 7:38 AM, rewiringma wrote:
Today we went to McDonald's for lunch and the big excitement was that Carl ordered pickles on his cheeseburger.
It sounds like you are a low-key, homebody type of person. Some people are that way. My partner and I like to hear about people who travel to exotic places or spend a year RV-ing around the country with their kids, but our ideal vacation is this one hotel with a waterpark that's only an hour's drive away, plus it's in a little town with a fun little outdoor mall that includes a really good mirror maze, and it has this one restaurant (two really but they're actually the same) that is famous for its family-style chicken dinners. So we drive the hour, spend the day at the waterpark, check into our hotel room, where we watch a video or play a video game, get up in the morning and have breakfast at the cafe in the hotel, stroll into town and do the things we do there, come back and spend a big chunk of the day at the waterpark, and then get a chicken dinner on our way out of town.
Woo. And also hoo.
But our whole family _loves_ doing this. (Well, except my partner, who doesn't actually like getting wet, and only does it for the sake of the kids, God bless him. But he likes the other parts.)
Do you still want to fly? There's a small airport near where I live where you can go on a glider ride, and if you like it, take glider lessons. I'd love to try it some day but I think I'd get motion sick...I might try it anyway (what an adventure! I've never thrown up in a tiny engine-less airplane before!).
Also, you don't have to have a big passion to have adventures. Pay attention to the cool things all around you. A couple of summers ago I bought a field guide to spiders, and the kids and I spent some weeks identifying all the spiders we came across in the bathroom or on the front porch. It opened up this whole exciting world that was carrying on right under our feet, all the time. Your kids may well take the lead on this, so if the next time they see something that is new and exciting to them but that you've seen a thousand times and stopped thinking about, try to jump into their enthusiasm.
Su, mom to Eric, 8; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
> bus into townThese are all fun things that my kids and I do over and over. Maybe we get a new book! Or a new board game! Or we try to bake a new kind of cake! Or we bake bread! Or we try to figure out the very best kind of hot chocolate, or we make a mix from scratch! What makes them fun and exciting is that we are together and enjoying ourselves.
> library
> toast marshmallows
> have hot choc with story
> read
> bake
> bike
> play board game
Today we went to McDonald's for lunch and the big excitement was that Carl ordered pickles on his cheeseburger.
It sounds like you are a low-key, homebody type of person. Some people are that way. My partner and I like to hear about people who travel to exotic places or spend a year RV-ing around the country with their kids, but our ideal vacation is this one hotel with a waterpark that's only an hour's drive away, plus it's in a little town with a fun little outdoor mall that includes a really good mirror maze, and it has this one restaurant (two really but they're actually the same) that is famous for its family-style chicken dinners. So we drive the hour, spend the day at the waterpark, check into our hotel room, where we watch a video or play a video game, get up in the morning and have breakfast at the cafe in the hotel, stroll into town and do the things we do there, come back and spend a big chunk of the day at the waterpark, and then get a chicken dinner on our way out of town.
Woo. And also hoo.
But our whole family _loves_ doing this. (Well, except my partner, who doesn't actually like getting wet, and only does it for the sake of the kids, God bless him. But he likes the other parts.)
> I tried to think of childhood dreams. I wanted to Fly... I don't remember anything else. I know I very rarely got excited about anything and have always much rather someone told me "what happens" with any given thing ie and experiment, than actually have to do it.Unless you're depressed, this may just be the way you are. You may have to push yourself if your kids want or need to explore more, but they might not need to, or might not need to right now.
Do you still want to fly? There's a small airport near where I live where you can go on a glider ride, and if you like it, take glider lessons. I'd love to try it some day but I think I'd get motion sick...I might try it anyway (what an adventure! I've never thrown up in a tiny engine-less airplane before!).
> How to you grow passion?On the other hand...if you want to start stretching, do it with small steps from where you are. Like I said above, bake something you've never baked before. Or bring home some library books or videos about things you've never read about before. Watch a TV channel you've always just flipped past (my partner and I had the most hilarious fun one night after the kids went to bed a few weeks ago, watching Sadabo Gigante!, a big flashy Spanish-language variety show. He speaks a little Spanish, I speak none. It was great.). Or go to boardgamegeek.com and order a board game of a kind you've never played before (my kids and I haven't played games like Settlers of Cataan, and I look forward to trying that). If part of the problem is that you like being at home, try to bring more of the world home.
Also, you don't have to have a big passion to have adventures. Pay attention to the cool things all around you. A couple of summers ago I bought a field guide to spiders, and the kids and I spent some weeks identifying all the spiders we came across in the bathroom or on the front porch. It opened up this whole exciting world that was carrying on right under our feet, all the time. Your kids may well take the lead on this, so if the next time they see something that is new and exciting to them but that you've seen a thousand times and stopped thinking about, try to jump into their enthusiasm.
Su, mom to Eric, 8; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-=- Or go to boardgamegeek.com and order a board game of a kind you've
never played before (my kids and I haven't played games like Settlers
of Cataan, and I look forward to trying that). If part of the problem
is that you like being at home, try to bring more of the world home.-=-
Marty and I got a new game recently called Trans America. It's about
building railroads, but it's quick, easy and has U.S. Geography. We
got a European map version too called Trans Europa. We played them
every day for a week when they were new. Anyone who got in the house
ended up playing.
We would have bought Trans America locally, at the shop where Kirby
used to work, but they said they were sold out and had requests.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
never played before (my kids and I haven't played games like Settlers
of Cataan, and I look forward to trying that). If part of the problem
is that you like being at home, try to bring more of the world home.-=-
Marty and I got a new game recently called Trans America. It's about
building railroads, but it's quick, easy and has U.S. Geography. We
got a European map version too called Trans Europa. We played them
every day for a week when they were new. Anyone who got in the house
ended up playing.
We would have bought Trans America locally, at the shop where Kirby
used to work, but they said they were sold out and had requests.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bob Collier
Short answer to your question?
In your very first paragraph, you said you had "used behaviour modification well". On your children.
Apparently you want to change your own behaviour now, so perhaps something to consider might be ... ?
Bob
In your very first paragraph, you said you had "used behaviour modification well". On your children.
Apparently you want to change your own behaviour now, so perhaps something to consider might be ... ?
Bob
--- In [email protected], "rewiringma" <wimvisser@...> wrote:
>
> Hello everyone. I am new on this list and I was hoping someone might say just the right thing to me that will help me see what is perhaps in my blindspot regarding my parenting. I have changed so so much over the last 8 years. Parenting was very black and white when I started and I was very proud of my consistency and my ability to hold fast to a punishment in the face of pleading and tears etc. I had a very well behaved daughter as a result and thought I knew a lot about parenting. I had used behaviour modification well, I shudder now to think of it.
>
> Sandra Dodds website changed my families life, my whole view of children and control and love, over the last 4 years we have moved through various stages of deschooling and relearning and it has been amazing and all angst about whether or not my children will learn or not has long gone, and the need to control what they do has subsided and I got a wonderful compliment from my now 16 year old daughter when I noticed that if I did have a suggestion, opinion or advice she seemed to follow it, so I asked her why she thought my level of influence was so high and she said, "because I trust you to only say something like that if you genuinely think it is in my best interest and not for your own selfish needs like my friends parents" and I was blown away at how quickly she learned to trust me after years of misguided controlling parenting and I am really proud of how far we HAVE come, however I still have a long way to go and I am stuck.
>
> I have 2 more younger children who have benefited from me having transformed a lot of my parenting while they were little. They sleep when and where they like, do what they choose, are helpful without being made to do jobs and spend their days on the computer, playing in the park with friends or playing lego..mostly.
>
> My problem is I am boring. and I know it and I try and transform it but I keep coming back to boring and I don't know why I seem stuck. When the kids were very small I had a dozen or so things I could do..play doh, read to them, tickle fights etc and I had to FORCE myself at first, it felt so fake (well not the tickle fights...I can do that stuff naturally) but games etc felt SO boring that I really struggled, but it did get easier ...still not natural.
>
> I watch parents who enthusiastically answer their kids questions and I try to be like that...but I can answer the actual question, then I scramble around inside my head for something else to add or do and I come up with nothing. Now that the kids are a bit bigger I can't think of anything fun or interesting to engage them with, because I don't find much fun or interesting and they seem happy plodding along but I really don't like the role model I'm being and I want to find things interesting, but again, when I try and think of things to do that might light them up...well heres the actual list I came up with. Its sat on the fridge for a while with no new things added.
>
> bus into town
> library
> toast marshmallows
> have hot choc with story
> read
> bake
> bike
> play board game
>
> and I've rotated through it over and over, minus the bike ride as I keep quietly not bringing it up because I can't think of a worse thing to do (for me)
>
> I do things out and quietly count the minutes till we can just go home and I hate that about myself but I am hoping that someone out there didn;t take to being interesting interested naturally and found a way to find inspiration.
>
> I wrote a list of things that I enjoy the other day, was meant to be "what am I passionate about'....took me a really long time to think of anything. I got... Human behaviour/how brain works, and water slides.
>
> I tried to think of childhood dreams. I wanted to Fly... I don't remember anything else. I know I very rarely got excited about anything and have always much rather someone told me "what happens" with any given thing ie and experiment, than actually have to do it.
>
> How to you grow passion?
> any ideas to help this ball rolling, I figure if the rest of who I've been can change so dramatically, so can this, but I've been struggling for a few years with this bit,
> Thanks so much if you read this far
>
> RM
>
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], "Bob Collier" <bobcollier@...> wrote:
How does a thirty-something stay-at-home dad whose interests include beer and football share the enthusiasm of a little girl for Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, Sylvanian Families, etc.?
The answer is, I shared my daughter's enthusiasm. What she was enthusiastic about was irrelevant.
I did that because being enthusiastic as an end in itself was fun. Turned out, Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, Sylvanian Families, etc. were fun too. Who knew?
Bob
>One quick thought since I was reminded of this by what I wrote above.
>
>
> Short answer to your question?
>
> In your very first paragraph, you said you had "used behaviour modification well". On your children.
>
> Apparently you want to change your own behaviour now, so perhaps something to consider might be ... ?
>
> Bob
>
>
>
How does a thirty-something stay-at-home dad whose interests include beer and football share the enthusiasm of a little girl for Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, Sylvanian Families, etc.?
The answer is, I shared my daughter's enthusiasm. What she was enthusiastic about was irrelevant.
I did that because being enthusiastic as an end in itself was fun. Turned out, Barbie dolls, My Little Pony, Sylvanian Families, etc. were fun too. Who knew?
Bob
Sandra Dodd
i have some suggestions for stuckness collected in a few places:
http://thinkingsticks.blogspot.com
http://sandradodd.com/checklists
http://sandradodd.com/strew/deblist
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
http://thinkingsticks.blogspot.com
http://sandradodd.com/checklists
http://sandradodd.com/strew/deblist
http://sandradodd.com/youngchildren
Visser
Thanks for the feedback, just printing from some of the links that Sandra sent so I can go read in a warmer room.
I've been thinking and I think what has happened is at first when the children were little, and around my feet, I was more present to their needs and more engaged, although as I said in my last post, a lot of things felt forced or fake to me as I didn't really enjoy playing.
Mindful parenting was new to me and something I was learning and I don't think I had a lot of practice under my belt when my children hit an age where they could entertain themselves.... so I let them.
Its become easier and easier to answer questions with just "I don't know" rather than adding "lets check it out".
I have never been very good at multi tasking, so the freedom to get things done while the children watch tv or play lego has become habit, and often I will tell myself that I will just give the house a good tidy up today while they are happy, so they can have my full attention for the rest of the week....but I do that more often than not.
I have become absent.
We talk a lot, but not thoughtful conversations, I don't ask them questions or stretch ourselves. I often talk about what I already know or believe.
So. having posted last night I was more present to my goal of being more mindful, more attentive today. As it turned out my children were all away (never happens) at a friends house so i was home alone all day and it occured to me that if it was appropriate (to this group) I could write a summary of our day and if anyone is interested they could maybe post back where the same conversation or activity in their own house may have led them.
That might give me ideas that are relevant.
My boys (age 9 and 10) came home from a friends house with a shooting PS game excited to show dad, showed me (I hate shooting games) I watched, had lots of swearing in it, son said maybe he should turn down volume. I didn't answer, he didn't turn it down.
He played the game until dinner time. While I made dinner I realised rarely get the boys in the kitchen. so I called the 9yr old and said "do you want to help me? or sit and tell me about your day while I cook?"
He asked if he could help, I said I needed carrots, he asked if he could peel them.
ended up peeling, grating, then asked if he could set the table. We don't often sit at the table so was unusual request.
He added candles and paper towels and tried to wrap the cutlery in different ways in the paper towels. I googled serviette folding and found some picnic serviettes and proceeded to burn dinner while we learned how to fold a box, this was what he had chosen off the website I showed him, he found it too difficult and asked if I would make 4 while he finished table. I asked if he wanted to choose something diff to make, he didn't want to. He then wrote (thats big) our names on pieces of paper and put them on the table and lit candles for dinner.
He played with dinner and still had most of his plate full when the rest of us were on to seconds. I asked if he liked it, he said he did, I asked if he wanted to be fed, (he likes to be a baby, tho normally I wouldn't do this and he wouldn't eat).
I fed him, with all the noises (plane etc) 10 yr old asked to be fed too, was a lot of fun all coming up with vehicles to go in to tunnel.
As leaving table one son grabbed a straw and proceeded to teach me how to make realistic fart noises by placing straw in armpit and blowing.
I couldn't do it but boys did it well and were rolling around on floor crying with laughter.
now all in lounge, one on DS one on PS and hubby doing jigsaw on floor.
thats our evening. (daughter at her fathers for night)
What would these things have begun at your house, ps looking up the serviettes, for me, was a step up. Normally I would have just left him to it.
Thanks
RW
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've been thinking and I think what has happened is at first when the children were little, and around my feet, I was more present to their needs and more engaged, although as I said in my last post, a lot of things felt forced or fake to me as I didn't really enjoy playing.
Mindful parenting was new to me and something I was learning and I don't think I had a lot of practice under my belt when my children hit an age where they could entertain themselves.... so I let them.
Its become easier and easier to answer questions with just "I don't know" rather than adding "lets check it out".
I have never been very good at multi tasking, so the freedom to get things done while the children watch tv or play lego has become habit, and often I will tell myself that I will just give the house a good tidy up today while they are happy, so they can have my full attention for the rest of the week....but I do that more often than not.
I have become absent.
We talk a lot, but not thoughtful conversations, I don't ask them questions or stretch ourselves. I often talk about what I already know or believe.
So. having posted last night I was more present to my goal of being more mindful, more attentive today. As it turned out my children were all away (never happens) at a friends house so i was home alone all day and it occured to me that if it was appropriate (to this group) I could write a summary of our day and if anyone is interested they could maybe post back where the same conversation or activity in their own house may have led them.
That might give me ideas that are relevant.
My boys (age 9 and 10) came home from a friends house with a shooting PS game excited to show dad, showed me (I hate shooting games) I watched, had lots of swearing in it, son said maybe he should turn down volume. I didn't answer, he didn't turn it down.
He played the game until dinner time. While I made dinner I realised rarely get the boys in the kitchen. so I called the 9yr old and said "do you want to help me? or sit and tell me about your day while I cook?"
He asked if he could help, I said I needed carrots, he asked if he could peel them.
ended up peeling, grating, then asked if he could set the table. We don't often sit at the table so was unusual request.
He added candles and paper towels and tried to wrap the cutlery in different ways in the paper towels. I googled serviette folding and found some picnic serviettes and proceeded to burn dinner while we learned how to fold a box, this was what he had chosen off the website I showed him, he found it too difficult and asked if I would make 4 while he finished table. I asked if he wanted to choose something diff to make, he didn't want to. He then wrote (thats big) our names on pieces of paper and put them on the table and lit candles for dinner.
He played with dinner and still had most of his plate full when the rest of us were on to seconds. I asked if he liked it, he said he did, I asked if he wanted to be fed, (he likes to be a baby, tho normally I wouldn't do this and he wouldn't eat).
I fed him, with all the noises (plane etc) 10 yr old asked to be fed too, was a lot of fun all coming up with vehicles to go in to tunnel.
As leaving table one son grabbed a straw and proceeded to teach me how to make realistic fart noises by placing straw in armpit and blowing.
I couldn't do it but boys did it well and were rolling around on floor crying with laughter.
now all in lounge, one on DS one on PS and hubby doing jigsaw on floor.
thats our evening. (daughter at her fathers for night)
What would these things have begun at your house, ps looking up the serviettes, for me, was a step up. Normally I would have just left him to it.
Thanks
RW
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
I sent the original post to Kirby (23, living in Texas), so he could
see the note about how much my website helped. He has been very
interested lately in the idea that his mom gets fan mail. <g>
Kirby wrote:
-=-I understand where RM is coming from, I too have been struggling
with boredom and have had trouble coming up with things to go out and
do that don't involve my computer. The local news paper might have
information on cool events going on in town, I also flip through a
fromers guide to austin to get ideas.
Cookies work wonders as well! =D
- Kirby-=-
see the note about how much my website helped. He has been very
interested lately in the idea that his mom gets fan mail. <g>
Kirby wrote:
-=-I understand where RM is coming from, I too have been struggling
with boredom and have had trouble coming up with things to go out and
do that don't involve my computer. The local news paper might have
information on cool events going on in town, I also flip through a
fromers guide to austin to get ideas.
Cookies work wonders as well! =D
- Kirby-=-
Pam Sorooshian
On 5/6/2010 1:38 AM, Visser wrote:
well, for many years. She scheduled time to be with her kids. For a
long time I didn't get that - they were "together" all the time, just
like my family. But, later, I realized that she didn't multi-task - that
when she was washing dishes or folding laundry, THAT is what she was
doing. Only. So - what she did was schedule time - several hours a day -
when she was not doing anything else.
I don't think this is ideal. Kids want and need your attention a lot
more than that and I think it should be on their schedule, not the
parents. But - it might be a helpful way for you to think about it, for
now. Maybe figure that you're going to spend 4 or 5 hours a day (the
time the kids would have been in school) with no other focus but them.
Try to choose times that work well for them - so that you're not
interrupting something they are already doing just because it is your
time for them. But, when you're focused on them, what are you going to
do? Maybe start with just being more aware - pay attention to how they
play. Does one make up characters as they're playing? Does one take the
lead? Does one make cool sound effects? Whatever - just pay attention.
Lots and lots of times, adults don't "get" children's play and think
they don't enjoy it, because they don't really pay attention to it and
see the complexity. Watch and listen attentively and then figure out
some little thing you can offer them - an object, some supplies, or a
song or some dress-ups or anything at all - something that will enhance
what they are playing.
Maybe think along the lines of "engaging" more with them, rather than
that you need to play with them and have fun doing it.
-pam
> I have never been very good at multi tasking, so the freedom to getI knew someone like you've described yourself. Knew her and her children
> things done while the children watch tv or play lego has become habit,
> and often I will tell myself that I will just give the house a good
> tidy up today while they are happy, so they can have my full attention
> for the rest of the week....but I do that more often than not.
well, for many years. She scheduled time to be with her kids. For a
long time I didn't get that - they were "together" all the time, just
like my family. But, later, I realized that she didn't multi-task - that
when she was washing dishes or folding laundry, THAT is what she was
doing. Only. So - what she did was schedule time - several hours a day -
when she was not doing anything else.
I don't think this is ideal. Kids want and need your attention a lot
more than that and I think it should be on their schedule, not the
parents. But - it might be a helpful way for you to think about it, for
now. Maybe figure that you're going to spend 4 or 5 hours a day (the
time the kids would have been in school) with no other focus but them.
Try to choose times that work well for them - so that you're not
interrupting something they are already doing just because it is your
time for them. But, when you're focused on them, what are you going to
do? Maybe start with just being more aware - pay attention to how they
play. Does one make up characters as they're playing? Does one take the
lead? Does one make cool sound effects? Whatever - just pay attention.
Lots and lots of times, adults don't "get" children's play and think
they don't enjoy it, because they don't really pay attention to it and
see the complexity. Watch and listen attentively and then figure out
some little thing you can offer them - an object, some supplies, or a
song or some dress-ups or anything at all - something that will enhance
what they are playing.
Maybe think along the lines of "engaging" more with them, rather than
that you need to play with them and have fun doing it.
-pam