need reading material about my kids' schooled friends
vaughn_mama
Can someone send me some links (if you have any handy)about my family being around schooled neighborhood friends a lot, and me staying positive. I don't have time to post a lot about various situations that have happened...so if I could just read conversations that have happened already it will serve as inspiration. I have found myself a bit overwhelmed with the numerous neighbor friends that come over to play (not inside my house very often, but still I have to be present outside due to the ages of my kids) and the frequency with which they visit. I find myself getting negative and complaining about the school kids (and their parents)to my husband or my unschooling friends, and I hate having been so judgmental when I reflect on things I've said.
I just read the posts about "us" & "them" and about how people can be so dismissive and derisive about kids...and I thought, "Oh god, that's me when I'm talking about some of the neighbor kids I'm not very fond of, ick!"
Jenny Vaughn
(mom of a 6 yr old son, 4 yr old son, and 2 year old daughter)
I just read the posts about "us" & "them" and about how people can be so dismissive and derisive about kids...and I thought, "Oh god, that's me when I'm talking about some of the neighbor kids I'm not very fond of, ick!"
Jenny Vaughn
(mom of a 6 yr old son, 4 yr old son, and 2 year old daughter)
vaughn_mama
Does anyone have any ideas? No one responded to my previous post. Maybe I was too vague before. Or maybe I sounded like a jerk.
It was an understatement to say I'm a bit overwhelmed. There are 6 (sometimes 7) households who have kids in our two adjacent culdesac blocks, and the neighborhood kids (all schooled) gravitate toward our property nearly everyday. The exception is when the weather is bad. They sometimes trickle in and out throughout the day, different kids coming and going, but sometimes they end up here all at once. They come as soon as they get home from school or their after school programs...as soon as we get up in the morning on the weekends (or during their vacations from school)...and as soon as they see us come home (when I manage to get us out of here once in a while.) My kids, especially my 6 year old, wants to be out there playing with any of them, anytime he sees someone out. Even if we were in the middle of something, or if we had plans(even plans for things he really did want to do.) Sometimes I get split between my kids if one or more wants to go out, and one wants to stay in, or if I was in the middle of trying to give my toddler a bath when neighbors start showing up; for example. When my daughter sees my son(s) go out, she almost always immediately wants to go out too. Sometimes I let the neighbors come in, but it gets so loud and so messy that I think I'm going to burst. The neighborhood kids are almost all older (except for the 4 year old boy across the street who is not nice to my daughter) and they range in ages from 7 to 10. So their parents are never supervising them outside, even the 4 year old's parents don't supervise him very closely since we live right across the street and there is very little traffic. Two of the dads have told us that if his child/kids get to be too much just send them home, but there are two problems with that, one or both of my sons get really upset if I tell their friends to go home (or if I try to get us to go in the house) and sometimes the neighbor kids just don't go home...they just linger in front of our property or keep playing in the street. I can't control other people's kids, it is not MY street, I can't actually make anyone else go home and stay out of sight. And I feel like I can't get a good stretch of peaceful time either. I can't just send my kids out to play alone, nor do I want to. I HAVE to be around...especially since the dynamics (and safety) changes as the kids come and go...and of course, my kids are young. If I get pulled away from the group of kids (for a diaper change, going in to grab water, trying to attend to my dogs or cats, or whatever) then I sometimes come back to find that a neighbor kid has pulled out my hose and made a mud puddle or broken something. It's like if I haven't specifically forbade something (you know, made a rule) then they figure it is fair game. Sometimes I just want to hang out with my own kids during the daytime, and enjoy my own yard with my own kids alone; but my son escalates into full blown crying if I try to say his friends can't play with him right now. I feel so trapped and powerless. I'd like to spend time with my husband, but when he's home, we are often split between him playing with a crowd of kids (including some of ours) in the front or in the street, and me trying to prep food or take care of another kid in the house. Sometimes I'm bitter when imagining the other parents getting to enjoy quiet, kid-free days at their homes while I'm treated like their daycare (without the benefit of income or other parent provided snacks.) I am not saying that I want a kid free home myself, but I just want it to be friend-free more often. I know my home is fun and attractive to kids in the neighborhood, and I know that some day I will be so grateful that my kids are here and not off somewhere else. But right now I'm feeling taken advantage of and I can't see a way out. My friend in another state suggested that we tell all of the other kids' parents that we want one or two specific days to be alone with our kids and to not have their kids come over. I thought that was a good idea, but the more I thought about it, I figured it won't work. All of our households live so close it wouldn't matter what we told the parents of those older kids. On the sunny days the parents would just tell their kids to go outside to play, and then my kids would just see the other kids playing in the street (or other yards) and would want to go outside to play with them too...no matter what we had planned. My kids are so young too, that they stop listening (and often walk away) if I try to explain. It is also impossible to talk when it escalates to crying and screaming.
I cracked this evening when we came home from an outing to find 2 of the friends out waiting for us. My husband sighed at the sight of them, and I said I'd tell them to go home. Which I did, but they didn't go. And my 6 yr old started crying and saying he wanted to play with his friends (even though we had all talked about other evening plans on our way home.)Then another, and other kid showed up. And I was about to be the crazy crying lady on the driveway. So I had to run to the bathroom, shut the door, scream at the top of my lungs, and cry by myself...and let my husband go hang out with the crowd again. I was sobbing, and imagining yelling at them to all get the f- off my property, and almost convincing myself that we have to move. To somewhere with land.
And no friends.
Crazy, I know.
Having vented all this, I know logically that it is not worth the relationship to make Evan feel bad and have him cry when he simply wants to go play with his friends. And I try to tell myself all the time that it is all about my attitude and I should be present and have fun no matter what. But I'm tired of being present for so many kids, kids who are parented differently, and who pass along so much school type social stuff that my husband and I then have to deal with, and help our kids navigate through.
Sometimes I've tried things like putting a sign on the door that says, "Do not knock" or closing my curtains when I see the kids in the street (before my kids see them,) to try to buy myself a little more alone time with them. But it feels kinda sneaky, and then I'm also back to wishing I could go outside and enjoy the sun and not be trapped inside.
Well I've typed a bunch. At least my husband was awesome to take care of everything so I could take a time out and write this. I'm off to go eat & play now.
-Jenny Vaughn
(Evan 6, Colby 4, and Valerie 2)
It was an understatement to say I'm a bit overwhelmed. There are 6 (sometimes 7) households who have kids in our two adjacent culdesac blocks, and the neighborhood kids (all schooled) gravitate toward our property nearly everyday. The exception is when the weather is bad. They sometimes trickle in and out throughout the day, different kids coming and going, but sometimes they end up here all at once. They come as soon as they get home from school or their after school programs...as soon as we get up in the morning on the weekends (or during their vacations from school)...and as soon as they see us come home (when I manage to get us out of here once in a while.) My kids, especially my 6 year old, wants to be out there playing with any of them, anytime he sees someone out. Even if we were in the middle of something, or if we had plans(even plans for things he really did want to do.) Sometimes I get split between my kids if one or more wants to go out, and one wants to stay in, or if I was in the middle of trying to give my toddler a bath when neighbors start showing up; for example. When my daughter sees my son(s) go out, she almost always immediately wants to go out too. Sometimes I let the neighbors come in, but it gets so loud and so messy that I think I'm going to burst. The neighborhood kids are almost all older (except for the 4 year old boy across the street who is not nice to my daughter) and they range in ages from 7 to 10. So their parents are never supervising them outside, even the 4 year old's parents don't supervise him very closely since we live right across the street and there is very little traffic. Two of the dads have told us that if his child/kids get to be too much just send them home, but there are two problems with that, one or both of my sons get really upset if I tell their friends to go home (or if I try to get us to go in the house) and sometimes the neighbor kids just don't go home...they just linger in front of our property or keep playing in the street. I can't control other people's kids, it is not MY street, I can't actually make anyone else go home and stay out of sight. And I feel like I can't get a good stretch of peaceful time either. I can't just send my kids out to play alone, nor do I want to. I HAVE to be around...especially since the dynamics (and safety) changes as the kids come and go...and of course, my kids are young. If I get pulled away from the group of kids (for a diaper change, going in to grab water, trying to attend to my dogs or cats, or whatever) then I sometimes come back to find that a neighbor kid has pulled out my hose and made a mud puddle or broken something. It's like if I haven't specifically forbade something (you know, made a rule) then they figure it is fair game. Sometimes I just want to hang out with my own kids during the daytime, and enjoy my own yard with my own kids alone; but my son escalates into full blown crying if I try to say his friends can't play with him right now. I feel so trapped and powerless. I'd like to spend time with my husband, but when he's home, we are often split between him playing with a crowd of kids (including some of ours) in the front or in the street, and me trying to prep food or take care of another kid in the house. Sometimes I'm bitter when imagining the other parents getting to enjoy quiet, kid-free days at their homes while I'm treated like their daycare (without the benefit of income or other parent provided snacks.) I am not saying that I want a kid free home myself, but I just want it to be friend-free more often. I know my home is fun and attractive to kids in the neighborhood, and I know that some day I will be so grateful that my kids are here and not off somewhere else. But right now I'm feeling taken advantage of and I can't see a way out. My friend in another state suggested that we tell all of the other kids' parents that we want one or two specific days to be alone with our kids and to not have their kids come over. I thought that was a good idea, but the more I thought about it, I figured it won't work. All of our households live so close it wouldn't matter what we told the parents of those older kids. On the sunny days the parents would just tell their kids to go outside to play, and then my kids would just see the other kids playing in the street (or other yards) and would want to go outside to play with them too...no matter what we had planned. My kids are so young too, that they stop listening (and often walk away) if I try to explain. It is also impossible to talk when it escalates to crying and screaming.
I cracked this evening when we came home from an outing to find 2 of the friends out waiting for us. My husband sighed at the sight of them, and I said I'd tell them to go home. Which I did, but they didn't go. And my 6 yr old started crying and saying he wanted to play with his friends (even though we had all talked about other evening plans on our way home.)Then another, and other kid showed up. And I was about to be the crazy crying lady on the driveway. So I had to run to the bathroom, shut the door, scream at the top of my lungs, and cry by myself...and let my husband go hang out with the crowd again. I was sobbing, and imagining yelling at them to all get the f- off my property, and almost convincing myself that we have to move. To somewhere with land.
And no friends.
Crazy, I know.
Having vented all this, I know logically that it is not worth the relationship to make Evan feel bad and have him cry when he simply wants to go play with his friends. And I try to tell myself all the time that it is all about my attitude and I should be present and have fun no matter what. But I'm tired of being present for so many kids, kids who are parented differently, and who pass along so much school type social stuff that my husband and I then have to deal with, and help our kids navigate through.
Sometimes I've tried things like putting a sign on the door that says, "Do not knock" or closing my curtains when I see the kids in the street (before my kids see them,) to try to buy myself a little more alone time with them. But it feels kinda sneaky, and then I'm also back to wishing I could go outside and enjoy the sun and not be trapped inside.
Well I've typed a bunch. At least my husband was awesome to take care of everything so I could take a time out and write this. I'm off to go eat & play now.
-Jenny Vaughn
(Evan 6, Colby 4, and Valerie 2)
--- In [email protected], "vaughn_mama" <sillyturtletracks@...> wrote:
>
> Can someone send me some links (if you have any handy)about my family being around schooled neighborhood friends a lot, and me staying positive. I don't have time to post a lot about various situations that have happened...so if I could just read conversations that have happened already it will serve as inspiration. I have found myself a bit overwhelmed with the numerous neighbor friends that come over to play (not inside my house very often, but still I have to be present outside due to the ages of my kids) and the frequency with which they visit. I find myself getting negative and complaining about the school kids (and their parents)to my husband or my unschooling friends, and I hate having been so judgmental when I reflect on things I've said.
>
> I just read the posts about "us" & "them" and about how people can be so dismissive and derisive about kids...and I thought, "Oh god, that's me when I'm talking about some of the neighbor kids I'm not very fond of, ick!"
>
> Jenny Vaughn
> (mom of a 6 yr old son, 4 yr old son, and 2 year old daughter)
>
Sandra Dodd
-=-Does anyone have any ideas? No one responded to my previous post.
Maybe I was too vague before. Or maybe I sounded like a jerk. -=-
Neither. I just don't think anyone had a good answer.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maybe I was too vague before. Or maybe I sounded like a jerk. -=-
Neither. I just don't think anyone had a good answer.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vidyut Kale
"Sometimes I've tried things like putting a sign on the door that says, "Do
not knock" or closing my curtains when I see the kids in the street (before
my kids see them,) to try to buy myself a little more alone time with
them. "
I think they'd take don't knock to mean "just walk in" from the sound of it
:D
No clue on specifics that you can do, but noticed that you seem to be in a
'choiceless' situation, so to say. Things are looking awful, someone else
has all the power and so on.
It likely will not change the situation directly, but I'd invite you to look
at what else is there. What is also happening as your kids head out to play
with these tempting (for them :P) other kids. The bonds of friendship being
formed, asserting their own social life (gracelessly as it seems), loads of
doing all kinds of stuff. Loads of learning (like playing a video game all
day :D). I find that if I can become able to tune in to what's working well,
bad situations hassle me less and stop being bad.
Maybe its a cultural thing, but I grew up in a housing society - perhaps it
could be called an apartment complex? (buildings with apartments and
apartments in them and common playground). Gangs of kids were more the norm
than the exception. I can completely visualize the situation, because 'been
there'. Camped out in front of friend's places trying to get them out, had
friends camped outside our door.... I don't know a single thing short of
imprisonment that could have stopped us from doing that, which our schooly
families couldn't do, forget someone who is sensitive to the desires of a
child.
I used to live in a rural society in a past life and had some beaooootiful
horses. I didn't have a single child, but all the village kids could be
found hanging out somewhere near our camp (nomadic horsewoman). Didn't
matter where we were. Didn't matter if the kids knew us. Didn't matter if I
didn't want them around, or if they were complicating work, or crowding my
personal space. They were like permanent features of the camp. It was like
its no use saying "that window is really okay sometimes, but I wish it would
become a wall once in a while :D"
I realized that my place was a kid magnet because they thought it was cool.
There were plenty of horsemen, but the way I was with my horses and Pye (my
dog, bitch actually) made my horses more 'real horses' to those kids - even
kids whose families owned a couple of them. They were fascinated by my
responses to their non-verbal language. It was magic. They were fascinated
by the care, caring in illness, finding out what's wrong (THAT was a big
one!). They wanted to be a part of that picture. Many parents told me that I
could just ask them to follow me, and like the pied piper, they would come
along.
Questions were like a blizzard, and I used to get tired of answering them. I
actually love interacting with kids (which probably was what attracted
them), but I was one person, and at least half a dozen kids, all day. I
couldn't leave camp at all, because I was scared one of them would give in
to temptation and get too close to the horses and have an accident.
Then I started telling them odd jobs, feeling vaguely guilty about putting
them to work. My objective was to keep them occupied and out of trouble
where I could see them. I wish I had a kid I could mix in with them and
direct the entire gang with suggestions to one child (I did start using some
of the older regular ones like that - sort of 'hosts', particularly when I
had to go anywhere - to keep everyone away from the horses). But these kids
loved working. To them, that was 'real work'. Mucking? Drinking water?
Chopping wood (older ones)? Whatever. "We love all this stuff. (Just don't
tell us to go.)" This evolved to 'maths and english' tutions - with fees in
wood, grass, butter, milk, rice, odd jobs.... when parents started hanging
around too, trying to get me to make their kids 'smart like me'. I never did
manage to get rid of the kids. Eventually I left the mountains and returned
to the city (not because of the kids :P).
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes these things are larger than us and
have a life of their own, regardless of who owns the property they happen
on. It may not be so in your case. You may successfully 'kid control' your
life. But even if that doesn't happen, there are things you can do with the
situation that you will like better.
In any case it is a tremendous compliment to you and the environment you
create, if kids will come there voluntarily and consistently. Its like
exotic butterflies being attracted to a garden. They flap in our faces,
sure, but they are also very beautiful.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
not knock" or closing my curtains when I see the kids in the street (before
my kids see them,) to try to buy myself a little more alone time with
them. "
I think they'd take don't knock to mean "just walk in" from the sound of it
:D
No clue on specifics that you can do, but noticed that you seem to be in a
'choiceless' situation, so to say. Things are looking awful, someone else
has all the power and so on.
It likely will not change the situation directly, but I'd invite you to look
at what else is there. What is also happening as your kids head out to play
with these tempting (for them :P) other kids. The bonds of friendship being
formed, asserting their own social life (gracelessly as it seems), loads of
doing all kinds of stuff. Loads of learning (like playing a video game all
day :D). I find that if I can become able to tune in to what's working well,
bad situations hassle me less and stop being bad.
Maybe its a cultural thing, but I grew up in a housing society - perhaps it
could be called an apartment complex? (buildings with apartments and
apartments in them and common playground). Gangs of kids were more the norm
than the exception. I can completely visualize the situation, because 'been
there'. Camped out in front of friend's places trying to get them out, had
friends camped outside our door.... I don't know a single thing short of
imprisonment that could have stopped us from doing that, which our schooly
families couldn't do, forget someone who is sensitive to the desires of a
child.
I used to live in a rural society in a past life and had some beaooootiful
horses. I didn't have a single child, but all the village kids could be
found hanging out somewhere near our camp (nomadic horsewoman). Didn't
matter where we were. Didn't matter if the kids knew us. Didn't matter if I
didn't want them around, or if they were complicating work, or crowding my
personal space. They were like permanent features of the camp. It was like
its no use saying "that window is really okay sometimes, but I wish it would
become a wall once in a while :D"
I realized that my place was a kid magnet because they thought it was cool.
There were plenty of horsemen, but the way I was with my horses and Pye (my
dog, bitch actually) made my horses more 'real horses' to those kids - even
kids whose families owned a couple of them. They were fascinated by my
responses to their non-verbal language. It was magic. They were fascinated
by the care, caring in illness, finding out what's wrong (THAT was a big
one!). They wanted to be a part of that picture. Many parents told me that I
could just ask them to follow me, and like the pied piper, they would come
along.
Questions were like a blizzard, and I used to get tired of answering them. I
actually love interacting with kids (which probably was what attracted
them), but I was one person, and at least half a dozen kids, all day. I
couldn't leave camp at all, because I was scared one of them would give in
to temptation and get too close to the horses and have an accident.
Then I started telling them odd jobs, feeling vaguely guilty about putting
them to work. My objective was to keep them occupied and out of trouble
where I could see them. I wish I had a kid I could mix in with them and
direct the entire gang with suggestions to one child (I did start using some
of the older regular ones like that - sort of 'hosts', particularly when I
had to go anywhere - to keep everyone away from the horses). But these kids
loved working. To them, that was 'real work'. Mucking? Drinking water?
Chopping wood (older ones)? Whatever. "We love all this stuff. (Just don't
tell us to go.)" This evolved to 'maths and english' tutions - with fees in
wood, grass, butter, milk, rice, odd jobs.... when parents started hanging
around too, trying to get me to make their kids 'smart like me'. I never did
manage to get rid of the kids. Eventually I left the mountains and returned
to the city (not because of the kids :P).
What I'm trying to say is that sometimes these things are larger than us and
have a life of their own, regardless of who owns the property they happen
on. It may not be so in your case. You may successfully 'kid control' your
life. But even if that doesn't happen, there are things you can do with the
situation that you will like better.
In any case it is a tremendous compliment to you and the environment you
create, if kids will come there voluntarily and consistently. Its like
exotic butterflies being attracted to a garden. They flap in our faces,
sure, but they are also very beautiful.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vidyut Kale
"I find that if I can become able to tune in to what's working well, bad
situations hassle me less and stop being bad."
What I meant was that loads of things are happening at the same time. Now, I
don't have a child that age myself, so I may be talking nonsense, but is
there a possibility to think differently?
For example, your family returns from somewhere. You are tired. There are
these kids at the door when you arrive. Can it mean a half hour (or more)
for you to wind down while your son is occupied with his friends, so that
you don't immediately have to work through your exhaustion to take care of
his comfort? It sounds like they are playing happily and 'in love', so could
it be an opportunity for you to not need to be with him constantly as long
as they are in sight, or you can keep touching base? Would that work to
create more space for you? I mean, talking care of kids is exhausting, time
consuming stuff sometimes, and we all need help. Can these kids be the help?
I don't know. I don't remember being supervised much (or any of my friends
either) once we were all in a gang and playing together. Of course, your
situation will be different, just possibilities.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
situations hassle me less and stop being bad."
What I meant was that loads of things are happening at the same time. Now, I
don't have a child that age myself, so I may be talking nonsense, but is
there a possibility to think differently?
For example, your family returns from somewhere. You are tired. There are
these kids at the door when you arrive. Can it mean a half hour (or more)
for you to wind down while your son is occupied with his friends, so that
you don't immediately have to work through your exhaustion to take care of
his comfort? It sounds like they are playing happily and 'in love', so could
it be an opportunity for you to not need to be with him constantly as long
as they are in sight, or you can keep touching base? Would that work to
create more space for you? I mean, talking care of kids is exhausting, time
consuming stuff sometimes, and we all need help. Can these kids be the help?
I don't know. I don't remember being supervised much (or any of my friends
either) once we were all in a gang and playing together. Of course, your
situation will be different, just possibilities.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Katy Jennings
====There are 6 (sometimes 7) households who have kids in our two adjacent culdesac blocks, and the neighborhood kids (all schooled) gravitate toward our property nearly everyday. ====
I would try to get away as much as possible. Can you get out of the house before they get out of school, and not come home until it is too late for them to come?
Maybe just one or two days a week, get out of the house, maybe have a picnic dinner and have your husband meet you in a park or something after work and eat there. Let your kids play, go home fairly late. Just a couple of days a week may give you a break.
If you can plan things for weekends I would get out before they are out! Then relax somewhere. We camp a lot, especially during the summer, gone the whole weekend.
I am not good with dealing with people, so my ideas are all about getting away!
Richard, now 14, had a few friends that used to drive me nuts when he was little. Mean kids, I never understood why he liked them. They would be at the house all of the time, I provided snacks and drinks, they never went to anyone else's house to play. It was getting expensive, and I was getting frustrated. But it trickled off.
I would have told them that they needed to be nice to be at my house, but there were never any specific incidents, it was just a feeling of not nice-ness at times, I couldn't exactly put my finger on it to figure out how to fix it. I probably was not present enough, I don't know.
The biggest meanest thing was when one of the kids broke Richard's favorite cup, on purpose, when Richard had let him use it because it was his favorite. Richard was trying to do something nice for his friend, and the boy set it on the ground and did a running kick, it shattered. Richard cleaned it up quickly and told me later (they were 8 or so, I had been just inside watching some, but not as close as I should have been). I was going to talk to him about that the next time he came, but it was a while before he did, and after that it was less and less that he came over, and Richard was ok with that. Maybe he knew that he had crossed a line, or maybe Richard said something, I don't know. He still lives down the street, but never comes by now.
The other kids were brothers, and their dad got divorced from their step-mom (they lived with their mom, but were at dad's a lot, right across the street from us), then the dad lost his job and moved away.
Now Richard's best friend lives across the street (down a few from where the other kids lived), he is 3.5 years older than Richard but they have been best buddies for 5 or 6 years. He is great. He just joined the army, leaving for basic in July, Richard and I are both sad. Richard does not have a lot of friends, he tends to be like me, a few really good friends rather than tons of "just ok" friends, as he puts it. It will probably be pretty hard when he leaves.
I wish I had some great ideas for you. Kids get older, the dynamics between them change. I hope things get better soon.
Katy J.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I would try to get away as much as possible. Can you get out of the house before they get out of school, and not come home until it is too late for them to come?
Maybe just one or two days a week, get out of the house, maybe have a picnic dinner and have your husband meet you in a park or something after work and eat there. Let your kids play, go home fairly late. Just a couple of days a week may give you a break.
If you can plan things for weekends I would get out before they are out! Then relax somewhere. We camp a lot, especially during the summer, gone the whole weekend.
I am not good with dealing with people, so my ideas are all about getting away!
Richard, now 14, had a few friends that used to drive me nuts when he was little. Mean kids, I never understood why he liked them. They would be at the house all of the time, I provided snacks and drinks, they never went to anyone else's house to play. It was getting expensive, and I was getting frustrated. But it trickled off.
I would have told them that they needed to be nice to be at my house, but there were never any specific incidents, it was just a feeling of not nice-ness at times, I couldn't exactly put my finger on it to figure out how to fix it. I probably was not present enough, I don't know.
The biggest meanest thing was when one of the kids broke Richard's favorite cup, on purpose, when Richard had let him use it because it was his favorite. Richard was trying to do something nice for his friend, and the boy set it on the ground and did a running kick, it shattered. Richard cleaned it up quickly and told me later (they were 8 or so, I had been just inside watching some, but not as close as I should have been). I was going to talk to him about that the next time he came, but it was a while before he did, and after that it was less and less that he came over, and Richard was ok with that. Maybe he knew that he had crossed a line, or maybe Richard said something, I don't know. He still lives down the street, but never comes by now.
The other kids were brothers, and their dad got divorced from their step-mom (they lived with their mom, but were at dad's a lot, right across the street from us), then the dad lost his job and moved away.
Now Richard's best friend lives across the street (down a few from where the other kids lived), he is 3.5 years older than Richard but they have been best buddies for 5 or 6 years. He is great. He just joined the army, leaving for basic in July, Richard and I are both sad. Richard does not have a lot of friends, he tends to be like me, a few really good friends rather than tons of "just ok" friends, as he puts it. It will probably be pretty hard when he leaves.
I wish I had some great ideas for you. Kids get older, the dynamics between them change. I hope things get better soon.
Katy J.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mica
Hi Jenny
I offer some ideas - tentatively, because they are not based on experience -
in hopes of stimulating discussion...
It sounds like there are at least two, maybe more aspects to this
1. you do value the children playing together, but you'd like some other
parents to share the supervision?
2. You'd like some quiet at-home time sometimes.
So how to get those things? I don't know about the second one (getting
friend-free time), but to the first: This is where I have to guess because
my tendency is to be direct, and I've found other people don't take to that
very well, and I recall times when I haven't either. So I'm trying to be
creative here:
- (taking a long term approach as in this I'm thinking so many parents have
forgotten how to have that kind of fun - maybe your neighbours need to
relearn it?) --- maybe if you could find a way to make it seem like fun for
the other parents (anyone else have ideas for that?), say invite them to
participate in outdoor games with you or your husband and the children?
When they rediscover the fun... maybe they'll step up more?
- what kind of outdoor games benefit from a bit of structure that need older
people, and are fun for older people?
- could be on a family by family invitation maybe,
- or even try to create one or a series of block parties - it might take a
bit of planning to organise games enough to involve parents so they don't
sit around chatting/eating & ignoring kids.
- it might be worth identifying the best stories that highlight the best
parts about being there which you and your hubby have experienced - stories
to share to entice the other parents out?
- how much time have you spent with the other parents? Have you discovered
their talents or areas of interest that some of the children might be
interested to discover eventually?
- from another angle, maybe the occasional direct request over a friendly
cuppa? Mention something you need to do, and something else the children
want to do together, and is there a time the other parent might be available
to help the children out with their activity.
I haven't done any of the above as a deliberate move to get parents
involved, but in some places we've lived that is how things casually came
about with one or two families: from connecting socially with neighbouring
families we become more cooperative.
If not directly useful, maybe they will stimulate better ideas?
Mica
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I offer some ideas - tentatively, because they are not based on experience -
in hopes of stimulating discussion...
It sounds like there are at least two, maybe more aspects to this
1. you do value the children playing together, but you'd like some other
parents to share the supervision?
2. You'd like some quiet at-home time sometimes.
So how to get those things? I don't know about the second one (getting
friend-free time), but to the first: This is where I have to guess because
my tendency is to be direct, and I've found other people don't take to that
very well, and I recall times when I haven't either. So I'm trying to be
creative here:
- (taking a long term approach as in this I'm thinking so many parents have
forgotten how to have that kind of fun - maybe your neighbours need to
relearn it?) --- maybe if you could find a way to make it seem like fun for
the other parents (anyone else have ideas for that?), say invite them to
participate in outdoor games with you or your husband and the children?
When they rediscover the fun... maybe they'll step up more?
- what kind of outdoor games benefit from a bit of structure that need older
people, and are fun for older people?
- could be on a family by family invitation maybe,
- or even try to create one or a series of block parties - it might take a
bit of planning to organise games enough to involve parents so they don't
sit around chatting/eating & ignoring kids.
- it might be worth identifying the best stories that highlight the best
parts about being there which you and your hubby have experienced - stories
to share to entice the other parents out?
- how much time have you spent with the other parents? Have you discovered
their talents or areas of interest that some of the children might be
interested to discover eventually?
- from another angle, maybe the occasional direct request over a friendly
cuppa? Mention something you need to do, and something else the children
want to do together, and is there a time the other parent might be available
to help the children out with their activity.
I haven't done any of the above as a deliberate move to get parents
involved, but in some places we've lived that is how things casually came
about with one or two families: from connecting socially with neighbouring
families we become more cooperative.
If not directly useful, maybe they will stimulate better ideas?
Mica
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Apr 25, 2010, at 10:51 PM, vaughn_mama wrote:
all the kids that they'd hang a flag outside the house when it was
okay to visit.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> They come as soon as they get home from school or their after schoolI remember someone had a pool that caused a similar problem. They told
> programs...as soon as we get up in the morning on the weekends
all the kids that they'd hang a flag outside the house when it was
okay to visit.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cara Barlow
Hi Jenny: I know I didn't respond because I find long, solid blocks of text
hard to read. Maybe if you broke your paragraphs up you would get more
responses. Best wishes, Cara
Best wishes, Cara
On Sun, Apr 25, 2010 at 10:51 PM, vaughn_mama
<sillyturtletracks@...>wrote:
hard to read. Maybe if you broke your paragraphs up you would get more
responses. Best wishes, Cara
Best wishes, Cara
On Sun, Apr 25, 2010 at 10:51 PM, vaughn_mama
<sillyturtletracks@...>wrote:
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
> Does anyone have any ideas? No one responded to my previous post. Maybe I
> was too vague before. Or maybe I sounded like a jerk.
> It was an understatement to say I'm a bit overwhelmed. There are 6
> (sometimes 7) households who have kids in our two adjacent culdesac blocks,
> and the neighborhood kids (all schooled) gravitate toward our property
> nearly everyday. The exception is when the weather is bad. They sometimes
> trickle in and out throughout the day, different kids coming and going, but
> sometimes they end up here all at once. They come as soon as they get home
> from school or their after school programs...as soon as we get up in the
> morning on the weekends (or during their vacations from school)...and as
> soon as they see us come home (when I manage to get us out of here once in a
> while.) My kids, especially my 6 year old, wants to be out there playing
> with any of them, anytime he sees someone out. Even if we were in the middle
> of something, or if we had plans(even plans for things he really did want to
> do.) Sometimes I get split between my kids if one or more wants to go out,
> and one wants to stay in, or if I was in the middle of trying to give my
> toddler a bath when neighbors start showing up; for example. When my
> daughter sees my son(s) go out, she almost always immediately wants to go
> out too. Sometimes I let the neighbors come in, but it gets so loud and so
> messy that I think I'm going to burst. The neighborhood kids are almost all
> older (except for the 4 year old boy across the street who is not nice to my
> daughter) and they range in ages from 7 to 10. So their parents are never
> supervising them outside, even the 4 year old's parents don't supervise him
> very closely since we live right across the street and there is very little
> traffic. Two of the dads have told us that if his child/kids get to be too
> much just send them home, but there are two problems with that, one or both
> of my sons get really upset if I tell their friends to go home (or if I try
> to get us to go in the house) and sometimes the neighbor kids just don't go
> home...they just linger in front of our property or keep playing in the
> street. I can't control other people's kids, it is not MY street, I can't
> actually make anyone else go home and stay out of sight. And I feel like I
> can't get a good stretch of peaceful time either. I can't just send my kids
> out to play alone, nor do I want to. I HAVE to be around...especially since
> the dynamics (and safety) changes as the kids come and go...and of course,
> my kids are young. If I get pulled away from the group of kids (for a diaper
> change, going in to grab water, trying to attend to my dogs or cats, or
> whatever) then I sometimes come back to find that a neighbor kid has pulled
> out my hose and made a mud puddle or broken something. It's like if I
> haven't specifically forbade something (you know, made a rule) then they
> figure it is fair game. Sometimes I just want to hang out with my own kids
> during the daytime, and enjoy my own yard with my own kids alone; but my son
> escalates into full blown crying if I try to say his friends can't play with
> him right now. I feel so trapped and powerless. I'd like to spend time with
> my husband, but when he's home, we are often split between him playing with
> a crowd of kids (including some of ours) in the front or in the street, and
> me trying to prep food or take care of another kid in the house. Sometimes
> I'm bitter when imagining the other parents getting to enjoy quiet, kid-free
> days at their homes while I'm treated like their daycare (without the
> benefit of income or other parent provided snacks.) I am not saying that I
> want a kid free home myself, but I just want it to be friend-free more
> often. I know my home is fun and attractive to kids in the neighborhood, and
> I know that some day I will be so grateful that my kids are here and not off
> somewhere else. But right now I'm feeling taken advantage of and I can't see
> a way out. My friend in another state suggested that we tell all of the
> other kids' parents that we want one or two specific days to be alone with
> our kids and to not have their kids come over. I thought that was a good
> idea, but the more I thought about it, I figured it won't work. All of our
> households live so close it wouldn't matter what we told the parents of
> those older kids. On the sunny days the parents would just tell their kids
> to go outside to play, and then my kids would just see the other kids
> playing in the street (or other yards) and would want to go outside to play
> with them too...no matter what we had planned. My kids are so young too,
> that they stop listening (and often walk away) if I try to explain. It is
> also impossible to talk when it escalates to crying and screaming.
>
> I cracked this evening when we came home from an outing to find 2 of the
> friends out waiting for us. My husband sighed at the sight of them, and I
> said I'd tell them to go home. Which I did, but they didn't go. And my 6 yr
> old started crying and saying he wanted to play with his friends (even
> though we had all talked about other evening plans on our way home.)Then
> another, and other kid showed up. And I was about to be the crazy crying
> lady on the driveway. So I had to run to the bathroom, shut the door, scream
> at the top of my lungs, and cry by myself...and let my husband go hang out
> with the crowd again. I was sobbing, and imagining yelling at them to all
> get the f- off my property, and almost convincing myself that we have to
> move. To somewhere with land.
> And no friends.
> Crazy, I know.
>
> Having vented all this, I know logically that it is not worth the
> relationship to make Evan feel bad and have him cry when he simply wants to
> go play with his friends. And I try to tell myself all the time that it is
> all about my attitude and I should be present and have fun no matter what.
> But I'm tired of being present for so many kids, kids who are parented
> differently, and who pass along so much school type social stuff that my
> husband and I then have to deal with, and help our kids navigate through.
>
> Sometimes I've tried things like putting a sign on the door that says, "Do
> not knock" or closing my curtains when I see the kids in the street (before
> my kids see them,) to try to buy myself a little more alone time with them.
> But it feels kinda sneaky, and then I'm also back to wishing I could go
> outside and enjoy the sun and not be trapped inside.
>
> Well I've typed a bunch. At least my husband was awesome to take care of
> everything so I could take a time out and write this. I'm off to go eat &
> play now.
>
> -Jenny Vaughn
> (Evan 6, Colby 4, and Valerie 2)
>
> --- In [email protected] <AlwaysLearning%40yahoogroups.com>,
> "vaughn_mama" <sillyturtletracks@...> wrote:
> >
> > Can someone send me some links (if you have any handy)about my family
> being around schooled neighborhood friends a lot, and me staying positive. I
> don't have time to post a lot about various situations that have
> happened...so if I could just read conversations that have happened already
> it will serve as inspiration. I have found myself a bit overwhelmed with the
> numerous neighbor friends that come over to play (not inside my house very
> often, but still I have to be present outside due to the ages of my kids)
> and the frequency with which they visit. I find myself getting negative and
> complaining about the school kids (and their parents)to my husband or my
> unschooling friends, and I hate having been so judgmental when I reflect on
> things I've said.
> >
> > I just read the posts about "us" & "them" and about how people can be so
> dismissive and derisive about kids...and I thought, "Oh god, that's me when
> I'm talking about some of the neighbor kids I'm not very fond of, ick!"
> >
> > Jenny Vaughn
> > (mom of a 6 yr old son, 4 yr old son, and 2 year old daughter)
> >
>
>
>
Pam Sorooshian
On 4/26/2010 1:57 AM, Joyce Fetteroll wrote:
lot of neighborhood friends. I told the neighbor kids that their parents
had to come with them and sit and watch. A couple of times one of the
moms did - it was great. She sat out there and watched the kids in the
pool and I was able to go inside and do some housework that I'd othewise
never have time for. But - that was twice out of many days of endless
summer.
I'm amazed there are enough children roaming the neighborhood after
school to cause a problem. Around here, and everywhere else I've heard
of, the problem is NO children avaialable in the neighborhood - all in
extended day/child care/soccer/dance etc.
I'd be curious to know - how many separate families are there with how
many children and what ages?
A four year old is part of this? Coming around without a parent? Seems
too young, to me.
Maybe you can tell the kids not to knock on the door - tell them, don't
put up a sign. Say that your kids will come outside when they are ready
to play.
How long has this been going on?
Can you shift your schedule so your are up early and have more time
while the other kids are at school?
Go on picnics and just to play at the park as often as possible.
There is nothing wrong with telling your kids to wait while you finish
giving a bath or a diaper change. Sounds like you are having trouble
feeling like you HAVE TO be two places at once - feeling guilty for not
being able to do everything?
-pam
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>We have a pool and had this problem when the kids were young and had a
> I remember someone had a pool that caused a similar problem. They told
> all the kids that they'd hang a flag outside the house when it was
> okay to visit.
lot of neighborhood friends. I told the neighbor kids that their parents
had to come with them and sit and watch. A couple of times one of the
moms did - it was great. She sat out there and watched the kids in the
pool and I was able to go inside and do some housework that I'd othewise
never have time for. But - that was twice out of many days of endless
summer.
I'm amazed there are enough children roaming the neighborhood after
school to cause a problem. Around here, and everywhere else I've heard
of, the problem is NO children avaialable in the neighborhood - all in
extended day/child care/soccer/dance etc.
I'd be curious to know - how many separate families are there with how
many children and what ages?
A four year old is part of this? Coming around without a parent? Seems
too young, to me.
Maybe you can tell the kids not to knock on the door - tell them, don't
put up a sign. Say that your kids will come outside when they are ready
to play.
How long has this been going on?
Can you shift your schedule so your are up early and have more time
while the other kids are at school?
Go on picnics and just to play at the park as often as possible.
There is nothing wrong with telling your kids to wait while you finish
giving a bath or a diaper change. Sounds like you are having trouble
feeling like you HAVE TO be two places at once - feeling guilty for not
being able to do everything?
-pam
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
NCMama
I want to write more, but I'm working and need to get back to my job. My first thought, though, is that it sounds like your kids really want to be with their friends! Can you find a way to focus on their joy, rather than your desire for peace and quiet?
I'm not saying you NEVER have family time, but closing the curtains so your kids can't see other kids seems a little extreme. If they see them, and want to play, find ways to facilitate that. Find other ways to meet your need for quiet, at other times. I'm an introvert, so I understand that need - I've learned to embrace my kids' joy, though, and appreciate each moment they're happy and engaged.
You know what made the difference for me, when I stopped trying to take time away from my kids for "me"? I took a drum circle into a kid's cancer ward at the hospital here, and seeing kids who *couldn't* get up and play, who were NOT being boisterous and loud - that made a HUGE impression on me. It was so... unnatural. Your kids are kids. Kids are loud, and messy, and things break. Kids are more important than a muddy yard, or things. Since your kids are younger, maybe you didn't experience the noise and mess so much with *just them*, so you're seeing these "others" as the problem. But your kids WANT that!
Some of the change needs to happen within YOU. Do it *for them*.
http://sandradodd.com/doit
Caren
I'm not saying you NEVER have family time, but closing the curtains so your kids can't see other kids seems a little extreme. If they see them, and want to play, find ways to facilitate that. Find other ways to meet your need for quiet, at other times. I'm an introvert, so I understand that need - I've learned to embrace my kids' joy, though, and appreciate each moment they're happy and engaged.
You know what made the difference for me, when I stopped trying to take time away from my kids for "me"? I took a drum circle into a kid's cancer ward at the hospital here, and seeing kids who *couldn't* get up and play, who were NOT being boisterous and loud - that made a HUGE impression on me. It was so... unnatural. Your kids are kids. Kids are loud, and messy, and things break. Kids are more important than a muddy yard, or things. Since your kids are younger, maybe you didn't experience the noise and mess so much with *just them*, so you're seeing these "others" as the problem. But your kids WANT that!
Some of the change needs to happen within YOU. Do it *for them*.
http://sandradodd.com/doit
Caren
vaughn_mama
Hey thanks for all the replies! I received a lot of good help & inspiration. I don't have time to address individual posts, but I'm going to get to work trying out some new ideas and techniques. I also feel better equipped to put a positive spin on our situation and my outlook today.
-Jenny Vaughn
-Jenny Vaughn
Sandra Dodd
-=-What I'm trying to say is that sometimes these things are larger
than us and
have a life of their own, regardless of who owns the property they
happen
on. It may not be so in your case. You may successfully 'kid control'
your
life. But even if that doesn't happen, there are things you can do
with the
situation that you will like better.
-=-In any case it is a tremendous compliment to you and the
environment you
create, if kids will come there voluntarily and consistently. Its like
exotic butterflies being attracted to a garden. They flap in our faces,
sure, but they are also very beautiful.-=-
I agree with Vidyut. We spent a lot of time, when the kids were
younger, at medieval-themed camping events. We would be there two or
three days, or a couple of times for a week, and our camp invariably
became the place other kids would come over in the morning to play.
So what we did was to make sure we had a clear place for them to "play
boffers" (foam swords) and that we had enough for several kids. I had
a basket of "medieval toys" (wooden and metal things I had picked up
over the years that could have been around before 1600--carved horses
and a wooden elephant, string toys that climbed, small wooden dishes,
a couple of those wheeled persian brass horses, some temple toys from
India (small metal wheeled animals). We put those out where younger
kids could play with them. We had a wooden rocking horse (not
elaborately carved, very simple) and we would take that. We would
put out water and little-kid snacks (monkey-platter-style).
The benefit to us was that we knew where our own children were and
could protect them and enjoy watching them play.
That came to mind because it wasn't "our house."
We've used Katy's plan too, to not be home when school was out. At
our old house we had a swingset, treehouse, sandbox and covered patio,
and there were about a dozen other kids our kids' ages within the
eight or ten nearest houses. I would suck it up and let them come
over, and pay enough attention that I could address a problem and
maybe tell a kid to be nicer or go home. They always chose to be nicer.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
than us and
have a life of their own, regardless of who owns the property they
happen
on. It may not be so in your case. You may successfully 'kid control'
your
life. But even if that doesn't happen, there are things you can do
with the
situation that you will like better.
-=-In any case it is a tremendous compliment to you and the
environment you
create, if kids will come there voluntarily and consistently. Its like
exotic butterflies being attracted to a garden. They flap in our faces,
sure, but they are also very beautiful.-=-
I agree with Vidyut. We spent a lot of time, when the kids were
younger, at medieval-themed camping events. We would be there two or
three days, or a couple of times for a week, and our camp invariably
became the place other kids would come over in the morning to play.
So what we did was to make sure we had a clear place for them to "play
boffers" (foam swords) and that we had enough for several kids. I had
a basket of "medieval toys" (wooden and metal things I had picked up
over the years that could have been around before 1600--carved horses
and a wooden elephant, string toys that climbed, small wooden dishes,
a couple of those wheeled persian brass horses, some temple toys from
India (small metal wheeled animals). We put those out where younger
kids could play with them. We had a wooden rocking horse (not
elaborately carved, very simple) and we would take that. We would
put out water and little-kid snacks (monkey-platter-style).
The benefit to us was that we knew where our own children were and
could protect them and enjoy watching them play.
That came to mind because it wasn't "our house."
We've used Katy's plan too, to not be home when school was out. At
our old house we had a swingset, treehouse, sandbox and covered patio,
and there were about a dozen other kids our kids' ages within the
eight or ten nearest houses. I would suck it up and let them come
over, and pay enough attention that I could address a problem and
maybe tell a kid to be nicer or go home. They always chose to be nicer.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-For example, your family returns from somewhere. You are tired.
There are
these kids at the door when you arrive. Can it mean a half hour (or
more)
for you to wind down while your son is occupied with his friends, so
that
you don't immediately have to work through your exhaustion to take
care of
his comfort? It sounds like they are playing happily and 'in love', so
could
it be an opportunity for you to not need to be with him constantly as
long
as they are in sight, or you can keep touching base? Would that work to
create more space for you? I mean, talking care of kids is exhausting,
time
consuming stuff sometimes, and we all need help. Can these kids be the
help?-=-
Another good point.
I suspect some moms are counting, measuring, and hearing the voices of
their own mothers or grandmothers in their heads about what "should"
be, and maybe hearing the voices of their own young self about it
being "not fair."
You won't get three reciprocal hours from a mother who doesn't even
know where her own child is. And really, if they're putting their own
kids out of the house to find something to do, would you WANT your
child in her care?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
There are
these kids at the door when you arrive. Can it mean a half hour (or
more)
for you to wind down while your son is occupied with his friends, so
that
you don't immediately have to work through your exhaustion to take
care of
his comfort? It sounds like they are playing happily and 'in love', so
could
it be an opportunity for you to not need to be with him constantly as
long
as they are in sight, or you can keep touching base? Would that work to
create more space for you? I mean, talking care of kids is exhausting,
time
consuming stuff sometimes, and we all need help. Can these kids be the
help?-=-
Another good point.
I suspect some moms are counting, measuring, and hearing the voices of
their own mothers or grandmothers in their heads about what "should"
be, and maybe hearing the voices of their own young self about it
being "not fair."
You won't get three reciprocal hours from a mother who doesn't even
know where her own child is. And really, if they're putting their own
kids out of the house to find something to do, would you WANT your
child in her care?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Hey thanks for all the replies! I received a lot of good help &
inspiration. I don't have time to address individual posts, but I'm
going to get to work trying out some new ideas and techniques. I also
feel better equipped to put a positive spin on our situation and my
outlook today.-=-
I let that through, though it's basically a "thank you" for a few
reasons. There are a fair number of new members on the list at any
one time, and more this week than sometimes.
Please, for anyone, it's not a good thing here to "address individual
posts." Especially not with "thanks."
We're assuming here that the ideas are good and that people will try
them out. You don't need to tell us.
And if someone is of a mind to tell us the ideas stink and they're not
doing ANY of that, no need to tell us.
The purpose of the list is to examine ideas in an unschooling light.
It's good for each post to be useful to many people. There are many
on the list who just read and don't write, and they're taking from all
the responses too, so it's good to address the group, the discussion,
when possible rather than individual posters.
Thanks! And thanks for all the exceptionally good posts lately.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
inspiration. I don't have time to address individual posts, but I'm
going to get to work trying out some new ideas and techniques. I also
feel better equipped to put a positive spin on our situation and my
outlook today.-=-
I let that through, though it's basically a "thank you" for a few
reasons. There are a fair number of new members on the list at any
one time, and more this week than sometimes.
Please, for anyone, it's not a good thing here to "address individual
posts." Especially not with "thanks."
We're assuming here that the ideas are good and that people will try
them out. You don't need to tell us.
And if someone is of a mind to tell us the ideas stink and they're not
doing ANY of that, no need to tell us.
The purpose of the list is to examine ideas in an unschooling light.
It's good for each post to be useful to many people. There are many
on the list who just read and don't write, and they're taking from all
the responses too, so it's good to address the group, the discussion,
when possible rather than individual posters.
Thanks! And thanks for all the exceptionally good posts lately.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
-=-In any case it is a tremendous compliment to you and the
environment you create, if kids will come there voluntarily and
consistently. Its like
exotic butterflies being attracted to a garden. They flap in our faces,
sure, but they are also very beautiful.-=-
I was going to write this, because I know it to be true! *I* am friends with
these kids and would love to crash Jenny's house any-old-time just to hang
with any combination of them (though they often end up, all three, circling
me, chiming in together on some great adventure they just had like going to
the library to get video games :::vbg:::). If I were a needy kid again,
you're house is where I'd gravitate.
I imagined creating this kind of home for my kids (I then thought it'd be
after school and weekends ;)), where the neighborhood would congregate, so
my kids would still be with me. I do remember the overwhelm, especially when
my kids were younger. We had a pool and lots of fun stuff to play with AND
parents who *gasp* played WITH kids!!!! And had fun!!!! What a novel concept
we introduced to our neighborhood.
Mitch's last summer was like you mentioned: I wanted to be with my family
alone and the whole neighborhood wanted to be at our house and our kids
wanted to be with the family and their friends. We were already connected as
a family in this intense way, a way like no one else we knew; to continue
this connectedness in the face of DH's cancer was just bizarre. And
beautiful.
*I* realized that all too quickly, this too shall pass, all of it. I
connected with Mitch by co-parenting with him for every last minute I could
have his support.
THIS is what this stage of our marriage was about: the family, the kids, the
laughter, the win/win/win of it all. We went into our marriage with a
commitment to these things, believing we'd have time to focus more on us as
the kids eventually stopped being kids.
What we shared, in those last few weeks of Mitch's life, was an example like
none other to those kids in the neighborhood. I don't regret a moment of
it.
Some more background on the neighborhood and my reaction: one little boy who
played was the grandson of folks who fed & sheltered me for years during my
childhood. Their's was a mostly-safe home with lots of food and cartoons.
Paying it forward was definitely part of the equation for me.
That said, I think your family can come up with a peaceful compromise
between: the delay plans to play with friends upon arrival, flag use, park
days, visits to diana's garden ::bg::, shifting perspective, etc :) 'twill
be a great set of conversations, I'm sure!
Oh and BREATHE. and some more. And look at them amazing babies you got, is
there any wonder they're so popular? <3
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.wordpress.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
environment you create, if kids will come there voluntarily and
consistently. Its like
exotic butterflies being attracted to a garden. They flap in our faces,
sure, but they are also very beautiful.-=-
I was going to write this, because I know it to be true! *I* am friends with
these kids and would love to crash Jenny's house any-old-time just to hang
with any combination of them (though they often end up, all three, circling
me, chiming in together on some great adventure they just had like going to
the library to get video games :::vbg:::). If I were a needy kid again,
you're house is where I'd gravitate.
I imagined creating this kind of home for my kids (I then thought it'd be
after school and weekends ;)), where the neighborhood would congregate, so
my kids would still be with me. I do remember the overwhelm, especially when
my kids were younger. We had a pool and lots of fun stuff to play with AND
parents who *gasp* played WITH kids!!!! And had fun!!!! What a novel concept
we introduced to our neighborhood.
Mitch's last summer was like you mentioned: I wanted to be with my family
alone and the whole neighborhood wanted to be at our house and our kids
wanted to be with the family and their friends. We were already connected as
a family in this intense way, a way like no one else we knew; to continue
this connectedness in the face of DH's cancer was just bizarre. And
beautiful.
*I* realized that all too quickly, this too shall pass, all of it. I
connected with Mitch by co-parenting with him for every last minute I could
have his support.
THIS is what this stage of our marriage was about: the family, the kids, the
laughter, the win/win/win of it all. We went into our marriage with a
commitment to these things, believing we'd have time to focus more on us as
the kids eventually stopped being kids.
What we shared, in those last few weeks of Mitch's life, was an example like
none other to those kids in the neighborhood. I don't regret a moment of
it.
Some more background on the neighborhood and my reaction: one little boy who
played was the grandson of folks who fed & sheltered me for years during my
childhood. Their's was a mostly-safe home with lots of food and cartoons.
Paying it forward was definitely part of the equation for me.
That said, I think your family can come up with a peaceful compromise
between: the delay plans to play with friends upon arrival, flag use, park
days, visits to diana's garden ::bg::, shifting perspective, etc :) 'twill
be a great set of conversations, I'm sure!
Oh and BREATHE. and some more. And look at them amazing babies you got, is
there any wonder they're so popular? <3
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.wordpress.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
rose.sartain
I used to live where there were kids knocking on our door several times a day. I put a sign on the door and the kids knew not to answer. If they did, I didn't answer the door.
We also had a rule that no neighborhood kids inside the house. We still have this rule. Mostly because some of the kids do not respect authority and we feel that its not our job to "parent" these kids. We also have this rule because we don't want the responsibility if something would go wrong. We also don't allow our kids to go inside other people homes, even if an adult says it okay. If they want to play, it is outside play only.
This solved a lot of the problems with the kids hanging outside the house, They learned later that it was boring to wait for our kids to come outside.
We also had a rule that no neighborhood kids inside the house. We still have this rule. Mostly because some of the kids do not respect authority and we feel that its not our job to "parent" these kids. We also have this rule because we don't want the responsibility if something would go wrong. We also don't allow our kids to go inside other people homes, even if an adult says it okay. If they want to play, it is outside play only.
This solved a lot of the problems with the kids hanging outside the house, They learned later that it was boring to wait for our kids to come outside.