Sibling Rivalry with Babies/Toddlers
Shira Rocklin
Hi Everyone,
It recently became clear to me that we are experiencing some sibling
rivalry here. Until now, my daughter Temima's (nearly 4 years old)
problems were focused on me - on my choosing between her and the baby.
We did work through that, found peaceful ways, mostly, to get everyone's
needs met, mostly (there were a lot of missed naps for the baby
involved, but I think he's ok <grin>). I think that recently her
feelings have morphed into a more direct sort of sibling rivalry. Her
brother is 14 months old, and is fast becoming a toddler. So much more
potential for their play (and I see how she loves to help him learn and
'teach' him new things). But she is also much more inclined to focus
on how he interferes with what she wants and make issue of things that
are difficult to change (the 'rivalry', I think). For example, she
wants to eat on the floor, or sitting on the sofa, or in other easy to
reach places when the baby is crawling around. He goes after her food,
and she kicks, screams and is very emotional. I try to minimize the
occurances of this by feeding him in his high chair, or distracting him
and playing with him while she eats. I also try to encourage her to
find, and offer her options, for ways/places to eat where he can't grab
(since I can't keep him occupied indefinitely, and she doesn't want me
to leave the room with him), but she refuses all of those. It feels
like she WANTS to create that conflict, to prove a point (or what the 3
year old version of proving the point is). I guess the 'point' is that
he shouldn't dictate where she eats? In any case, that is one example.
I would appreciate some advice or reading material. I've got Siblings
without Rivalry on hold at the library, and I've read Sandra's pages (or
the ones I could find), but they seemed to be about older examples.
Thanks,
Shira
It recently became clear to me that we are experiencing some sibling
rivalry here. Until now, my daughter Temima's (nearly 4 years old)
problems were focused on me - on my choosing between her and the baby.
We did work through that, found peaceful ways, mostly, to get everyone's
needs met, mostly (there were a lot of missed naps for the baby
involved, but I think he's ok <grin>). I think that recently her
feelings have morphed into a more direct sort of sibling rivalry. Her
brother is 14 months old, and is fast becoming a toddler. So much more
potential for their play (and I see how she loves to help him learn and
'teach' him new things). But she is also much more inclined to focus
on how he interferes with what she wants and make issue of things that
are difficult to change (the 'rivalry', I think). For example, she
wants to eat on the floor, or sitting on the sofa, or in other easy to
reach places when the baby is crawling around. He goes after her food,
and she kicks, screams and is very emotional. I try to minimize the
occurances of this by feeding him in his high chair, or distracting him
and playing with him while she eats. I also try to encourage her to
find, and offer her options, for ways/places to eat where he can't grab
(since I can't keep him occupied indefinitely, and she doesn't want me
to leave the room with him), but she refuses all of those. It feels
like she WANTS to create that conflict, to prove a point (or what the 3
year old version of proving the point is). I guess the 'point' is that
he shouldn't dictate where she eats? In any case, that is one example.
I would appreciate some advice or reading material. I've got Siblings
without Rivalry on hold at the library, and I've read Sandra's pages (or
the ones I could find), but they seemed to be about older examples.
Thanks,
Shira
Sandra Dodd
-=-I also try to encourage her to
find, and offer her options, for ways/places to eat where he can't grab
(since I can't keep him occupied indefinitely, and she doesn't want me
to leave the room with him), but she refuses all of those.-=-
You wouldn't have to occupy him indefinitely, just until she's through
eating.
We used to have an aluminum-frame backback for a baby, like for
hikers, and all my kids spent a lot of happy time up there. I would
walk babies to sleep sometimes, outside in the cool air. I would put
a baby in the back to do things with the others.
I remember the resentment about my sister's arrival when I was
little. My mom liked her better in every way (not just my opinion; it
lasted forever) and she was a huge imposition on my place in the
universe.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
find, and offer her options, for ways/places to eat where he can't grab
(since I can't keep him occupied indefinitely, and she doesn't want me
to leave the room with him), but she refuses all of those.-=-
You wouldn't have to occupy him indefinitely, just until she's through
eating.
We used to have an aluminum-frame backback for a baby, like for
hikers, and all my kids spent a lot of happy time up there. I would
walk babies to sleep sometimes, outside in the cool air. I would put
a baby in the back to do things with the others.
I remember the resentment about my sister's arrival when I was
little. My mom liked her better in every way (not just my opinion; it
lasted forever) and she was a huge imposition on my place in the
universe.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Shira Rocklin
Ok, you're right, its not 'indefinitely'! Thanks for catching that.
She does eat extremely slowly, with tiny bites. I think I'm taking it
too personally.
I have lots of baby carriers, thanks for the reminder. I use them all
the time, I just hadn't thought of it for this. I think I was worried
that if I put him on my back then I'd be choosing him again... since she
wants me to sit with her and be with her while she eats, but he wants me
moving around and doing things if he's on my back. Maybe she'll let me
do laundry or dishes next time, I'll try.
"I remember the resentment about my sister's arrival when I was
little. My mom liked her better in every way (not just my opinion; it
lasted forever) and she was a huge imposition on my place in the
universe."
Its good to hear that perspective, the words she might use but isn't.
I'm an eldest too, but I don't remember those feelings.
Thanks,
Shira
She does eat extremely slowly, with tiny bites. I think I'm taking it
too personally.
I have lots of baby carriers, thanks for the reminder. I use them all
the time, I just hadn't thought of it for this. I think I was worried
that if I put him on my back then I'd be choosing him again... since she
wants me to sit with her and be with her while she eats, but he wants me
moving around and doing things if he's on my back. Maybe she'll let me
do laundry or dishes next time, I'll try.
"I remember the resentment about my sister's arrival when I was
little. My mom liked her better in every way (not just my opinion; it
lasted forever) and she was a huge imposition on my place in the
universe."
Its good to hear that perspective, the words she might use but isn't.
I'm an eldest too, but I don't remember those feelings.
Thanks,
Shira
Sandra Dodd
-=-. I think I was worried
that if I put him on my back then I'd be choosing him again... since she
wants me to sit with her and be with her while she eats, but he wants me
moving around and doing things if he's on my back-=-
Maybe ask her what would help, and put that as one of the options if
she doesn't have an immediate, workable idea. My kids had good ideas
lots of times that I hadn't thought of.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that if I put him on my back then I'd be choosing him again... since she
wants me to sit with her and be with her while she eats, but he wants me
moving around and doing things if he's on my back-=-
Maybe ask her what would help, and put that as one of the options if
she doesn't have an immediate, workable idea. My kids had good ideas
lots of times that I hadn't thought of.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]