Camille

I had a thought recently (and I hope it's ok that I post my ramblings on it) about why it's so hard for some to go from either sending your kids to school or school-at-home to unschooling. Unschooling is very very different than what most people are used to. It's a lifestyle change. And for some, if not most people, lifestyle changes require that you admit some flaw in your previous lifestyle. Switching to Homeschooling only requires an admission that school might not be the best environment for our kids to grow up in. Unschooling requires much much more. And I think it's hardest for some to admit there might have been something wrong with the way our parents raised us. Which, for some people, means that there is something wrong with them, personally.

I think most people get along with and/or love their parents. Personally, I love my mom and step-dad but I'm not entirely sure I *like* them. Ironically, my mother said the same thing to me once. But that's another discussion. lol. It's not hard for me to admit my parents had it all wrong. But others who love and respect their parents don't want to "betray" them by choosing a different lifestyle choice than what they grew up with.

I don't think this choice is a betrayal, however. Many of our parents didn't have any exposure to the ideas of Unschooling when we were kids. Sure, it was there but information of this nature didn't get around like it does today. I think it's also important to take into account the childhood of our parents. What type of history is there that may have led them to choose a certain parenting style or school choice. I'm pretty sure my mother was easy on me compared to her own childhood. That doesn't make her choices any less scarring on my inner child, but I can understand them better now that I see the big picture. Those who had mostly happy childhoods probably had parents with mostly happy childhoods. Or their parents made the same changes I'm making as a reaction to a miserable childhood.

I guess my thought was that Unschooling doesn't have to be an insult to your parents or an admission of brokenness in yourself. And if your parents seem insulted by the choice, it might be prudent to reinforce your respect and love for them (should they deserve it) and try to include them so they can see the kids thriving. So much of what Unschooling is about is the kids' happiness, but I think a lot of making the decision requires deep introspection and coming to terms with who you are inside as a person and a parent. Until you can be comfortable with your history looking completely different than your child's future, it probably won't be a smooth ride. It will be easier for some than others, but it's certainly not a trivial moment in anyone's life.

Anyway, these are just some recent thoughts and I'd welcome further discussion on it. :)

~Camille~

k

>>>I guess my thought was that Unschooling doesn't have to be an insult to
your parents or an admission of brokenness in yourself.<<<

Without a perception of brokenness where it exists, it's not likely that
people will see a corresponding need for change for themselves, let alone
for their home and their children.

On the other hand, I quoted a funny thing on FB once that went like this:
"You can't fix something that's not broken." Regardless of perception, if
something isn't broken, fixing on things (nothing's perfect) might improve
things tweak by tweak and unless the perception is that things are terribly
messed up when they aren't (I don't think this is likely at home...
hopefully) then doing things better, more peacefully, more contentedly,
won't mess anything up.

What does mess things up (I've tried it ;) is to know there is brokenness
and rather than doing things more peacefully and better myself, to instead
tell others around me to be more peaceful and do better. That quickly runs
things afoul around here.

>>>And if your parents seem insulted by the choice, it might be prudent to
reinforce your respect and love for them (should they deserve it) and try to
include them so they can see the kids thriving.<<<

It depends on the parents. Mine are so controlling about religious choices
and morality, that the only thing that "works" is to make our differences
plain... I live my life very differently (not in order to be different but
because it's who/how I am), and after the predictable assay at changing my
ways, they eventually settled down into saying that we're really not
different. I can't (and don't want to) make people see me as I am, and as
soon as *I* became comfortable with that idea, the less energy I put on the
matter. And the more energy I have for my family and our home and whatever
we're doing here.

When we visit my parents/family, which Karl and I did yesterday, it's
pleasant because neither one of us are trying to change the other. I don't
try to change their idea(s) about me, and if they get upset with me about
anything, I treat it lightly. It didn't used to be that way. I'm the one who
has changed, really, by being myself and happy with it rather than being
uncomfortable with it and constantly asking others to accept it. We have
pleasant visits because I keep the tempo of the conversation moving rather
than letting it meander to our differences that I don't want to dwell on and
also because I stay only for a short time. Karl at 6 says it's boring, and
about 10 minutes before we left he whispered in my ear "can we go yet?" and
my dad jokingly told him no secrets are allowed. That was my cue to wrap
things up. I mentioned the gardening I'm doing and as we walked outside they
showed us things they're doing with their own garden. It was good to see
them and I'm glad to visit because they're getting so old and might not be
around for much longer.

~Katherine


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Shira Rocklin

----I don't think this choice is a betrayal, however. Many of our
parents didn't have any exposure to the ideas of Unschooling when we
were kids. Sure, it was there but information of this nature didn't get
around like it does today. I think it's also important to take into
account the childhood of our parents. What type of history is there that
may have led them to choose a certain parenting style or school choice.-----

It was certainly a revelation to finally grasp (though I had been told
it all my life) the abuses and neglect and overall horrible childhoods
my parents had been through. During my childhood, I thought of their
stories along the lines of "When I was a child... we had to walk 100
miles to school through 10 foot deep snow!", not as the tales of
emotional and physical abuse they really were. Even though the abuse
they suffered was not so bad, on the grand scale of child abuse... it
damaged them emotionally. As an adult, I can reflect back on many of
the decisions they made, many of their parental actions, and see the
WHY. With that frame of reference, a lot of my own childhood has felt
healed, to some extent. I was not abused. My parents were 100X better
for me than theirs were for them. They did do things I don't agree
with. I've found unschooling literature, and Alfie Kohn's book (in the
beginning, thats what I had read first) very healing. And as we
encounter more situations where we want to explain the differences in
parenting to my father (my mother is not able to really understand any
of this, I think), I have found that my relationship with my father has
deepened as well. I share with him my insights into his childhood, oh
so gently, and what we want to do differently, and why, and the outcomes
we expect, and I am oh, so, careful to reassure him of how great a
father he was, and how wonderful his children, and now his
grandchildren, have turned out because of his choice NOT to abuse. He
does come to me and ask if I felt abused, when I talk about certain
parenting practices being damaging. He worries that he was a bad
father. But, through those discussions, I think/hope he is discovering
some healing as well, and learning to be a better grandfather!

-----I guess my thought was that Unschooling doesn't have to be an
insult to your parents or an admission of brokenness in yourself. And if
your parents seem insulted by the choice, it might be prudent to
reinforce your respect and love for them (should they deserve it) and
try to include them so they can see the kids thriving.-----

I didn't feel I was admitting brokenness in myself when I found
unschooling... but there has been healing. Does there have to be
brokenness? Perhaps its just differentness?

I would add: We should also not expect them to act as we would. My
mother-in-law is big on praise, positive reinforcement, and other very
obvious tactics for changing behaviour. My father is impatient, cannot
deal with tantrums, crying, walks away from conflict rather than
soothing the children. Rather than feel as if what they do is
damaging, or not good enough, I've decided to focus on the loving
relationship developing between them, and intervene when my father looks
overwhelmed, and turn a blind eye to what grandma does... because in the
long run, their relationship, the love and memories they are creating,
are more important to how the children turn out. My own influence, my
own style of parenting, will surely have the larger impact, me being
their mother and spending so much time with them. So also, I would add
not to feel threatened actions that seem non-unschooling, if they are
essentially safe.