is unshooling all about acceptance of the child where s/he is no matter what?
Lisa
Thank you all for the prior answers I have received. I read and considered each with great care and am infinitely appreciative.
So, this morning my son is having his easter egg hunt. Every time he picks up an egg he shakes it and says "oh, it's money" in a disappointed voice and puts it in his basket.
Apparently he wanted candy in all his eggs.
I felt he wasn't being appreciative and it bothered me. I finally told him something along the lines of when someone gives you something it's because they care for you and if it's not exactly what you want it is still important to be appreciative and his attitude was making me feel like he didn't deserve the money.
So, this little outburst of mine bothered me too. I was thinking later that I would come to the list and ask how to handle a situation where a child was displaying behavior that I didn't think was appropriate - or that bothered me.
Then, it popped into my head that I could have just said "you really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the moment and not worried about his behavior.
And this FELT so much better than what I did say, but I DIDN'T like the way he was acting and I DIDN'T want the way he was acting to continue and I don't want him to be unappreciative. ...
So, is the acceptance the answer and never mind how they behave because they will figure it out when they figure it out and I can't control or shape it?
I know the acceptance feels better in one way to me, but it's also scary to give up the idea of shaping or guiding his behavior.
thanks, Lisa
So, this morning my son is having his easter egg hunt. Every time he picks up an egg he shakes it and says "oh, it's money" in a disappointed voice and puts it in his basket.
Apparently he wanted candy in all his eggs.
I felt he wasn't being appreciative and it bothered me. I finally told him something along the lines of when someone gives you something it's because they care for you and if it's not exactly what you want it is still important to be appreciative and his attitude was making me feel like he didn't deserve the money.
So, this little outburst of mine bothered me too. I was thinking later that I would come to the list and ask how to handle a situation where a child was displaying behavior that I didn't think was appropriate - or that bothered me.
Then, it popped into my head that I could have just said "you really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the moment and not worried about his behavior.
And this FELT so much better than what I did say, but I DIDN'T like the way he was acting and I DIDN'T want the way he was acting to continue and I don't want him to be unappreciative. ...
So, is the acceptance the answer and never mind how they behave because they will figure it out when they figure it out and I can't control or shape it?
I know the acceptance feels better in one way to me, but it's also scary to give up the idea of shaping or guiding his behavior.
thanks, Lisa
Sandra Dodd
-=-Then, it popped into my head that I could have just said "you
really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be
that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the
moment and not worried about his behavior.-=-
I think I would have said "we can buy candy with that money!"
You could take him candy shopping tomorrow when the easter candy is
half price.
-=I felt he wasn't being appreciative and it bothered me. I finally
told him something along the lines of when someone gives you something
it's because they care for you and if it's not exactly what you want
it is still important to be appreciative and his attitude was making
me feel like he didn't deserve the money.-=-
That seems like a lot of words.
Maybe next year, with fewer words, just ask him what kinds of easter
stuff he likes best. Or when you go shopping with him for half-price
candy, maybe remember what appealed to him.
-=-I was thinking later that I would come to the list and ask how to
handle a situation where a child was displaying behavior that I didn't
think was appropriate - or that bothered me.-=-
Sometimes parents make a small deal a big deal, so watch out for
that. Sometimes the parental image of what easter should be like (or
anything) is way bigger than the child's.
-=-Then, it popped into my head that I could have just said "you
really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be
that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the
moment and not worried about his behavior.-=-
For me it would matter whether there were other kids there, whether
the eggs with money had come from a grandmother or what; there would
be factors, for me, that mattered. Some people go with "just accept,"
and sometimes that's fine.
-=-So, is the acceptance the answer and never mind how they behave
because they will figure it out when they figure it out and I can't
control or shape it? -=-
I don't think so. There is an emotional reality of accepting a
child's attitude, but that can't be the whole of a relationship
between a parent and child.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be
that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the
moment and not worried about his behavior.-=-
I think I would have said "we can buy candy with that money!"
You could take him candy shopping tomorrow when the easter candy is
half price.
-=I felt he wasn't being appreciative and it bothered me. I finally
told him something along the lines of when someone gives you something
it's because they care for you and if it's not exactly what you want
it is still important to be appreciative and his attitude was making
me feel like he didn't deserve the money.-=-
That seems like a lot of words.
Maybe next year, with fewer words, just ask him what kinds of easter
stuff he likes best. Or when you go shopping with him for half-price
candy, maybe remember what appealed to him.
-=-I was thinking later that I would come to the list and ask how to
handle a situation where a child was displaying behavior that I didn't
think was appropriate - or that bothered me.-=-
Sometimes parents make a small deal a big deal, so watch out for
that. Sometimes the parental image of what easter should be like (or
anything) is way bigger than the child's.
-=-Then, it popped into my head that I could have just said "you
really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be
that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the
moment and not worried about his behavior.-=-
For me it would matter whether there were other kids there, whether
the eggs with money had come from a grandmother or what; there would
be factors, for me, that mattered. Some people go with "just accept,"
and sometimes that's fine.
-=-So, is the acceptance the answer and never mind how they behave
because they will figure it out when they figure it out and I can't
control or shape it? -=-
I don't think so. There is an emotional reality of accepting a
child's attitude, but that can't be the whole of a relationship
between a parent and child.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lisa
My husband did tell him we could buy candy with the money, and he kept expressing his disappointment. ... and then I started feeling bothered.
The first 6 or 7 times he did it it didn't bother me. The last 2 or 3 times did.
-=-For me it would matter whether there were other kids there, whether
the eggs with money had come from a grandmother or what; there would
be factors, for me, that mattered. Some people go with "just accept,"
and sometimes that's fine.-=-
So Sandra, when it matters to you, what do you DO? Do you take them aside and speak to them?
When there is a line within your family that you think your children have crossed, what do you DO? How do you handle it?
My other issue with this is that I see that when I am unaccepting of something he does, and so I take him aside and have a conversation with him about it, then I find him unaccepting of that in other children, immediately.
For example, if I tell him "Joe, can you please be more quiet, we are in the car. It hurts my ears". Then, half an hour later he will tell his friend Jaeden, "Jaeden can you be quiet - you are hurting my ears." .. but now we are in the basement and it doesn't bother ME anymore, because I think the basement is a more acceptable place to be loud.
Now, after this incident, I wouldn't be surprised to hear him tell one of his friends that they should be more appreciative about something he has given them.
The first 6 or 7 times he did it it didn't bother me. The last 2 or 3 times did.
-=-For me it would matter whether there were other kids there, whether
the eggs with money had come from a grandmother or what; there would
be factors, for me, that mattered. Some people go with "just accept,"
and sometimes that's fine.-=-
So Sandra, when it matters to you, what do you DO? Do you take them aside and speak to them?
When there is a line within your family that you think your children have crossed, what do you DO? How do you handle it?
My other issue with this is that I see that when I am unaccepting of something he does, and so I take him aside and have a conversation with him about it, then I find him unaccepting of that in other children, immediately.
For example, if I tell him "Joe, can you please be more quiet, we are in the car. It hurts my ears". Then, half an hour later he will tell his friend Jaeden, "Jaeden can you be quiet - you are hurting my ears." .. but now we are in the basement and it doesn't bother ME anymore, because I think the basement is a more acceptable place to be loud.
Now, after this incident, I wouldn't be surprised to hear him tell one of his friends that they should be more appreciative about something he has given them.
Sandra Dodd
-=-
So Sandra, when it matters to you, what do you DO? Do you take them
aside and speak to them? -=-
It always depends who's there, what mood they're in. Was he hunting
easter eggs without having had breakfast? Did you wake him up to hunt
eggs?
There might have been other factors.
My kids always knew I hid the eggs. If your child and the others
there knew that too, maybe you could have said "next year I'm putting
candy instead," or "I hope some of these have candy."
You could have taken a few found ones and put candy in them and hidden
them in a cool part of the yard where he wasn't looking, maybe.
-=-When there is a line within your family that you think your
children have crossed, what do you DO? How do you handle it?
-=-
I want to save face for them short-term if at possible, but I want to
save face for them longterm, too. So if one situation can be covered
over or ignored or let slide, and I can talk to them afterwards when
they're all fed, watered, rested and the situation isn't immediate,
then I would talk to them later.
If it's immediate and someone else is involved than family, maybe you
could say "I think Carol's feelings will be hurt if you're unhappy" or
something (depends if Carol was the one who hid eggs with money in
them, or whatever.)
Depends how old the child is.
Depends how adept the child is at social situations.
-=-For example, if I tell him "Joe, can you please be more quiet, we
are in the car. It hurts my ears". Then, half an hour later he will
tell his friend Jaeden, "Jaeden can you be quiet - you are hurting my
ears." .. but now we are in the basement and it doesn't bother ME
anymore, because I think the basement is a more acceptable place to be
loud.-=-
That one I would have just let go. Kids get older. It's normal for
them to try things out and to copy the way others treat them.
In the car, could you have opened the windows, or put music on that he
could have sing along to or something?
Maybe being more creative with your own criticisms and responses will
give you and him both ideas about how to handle other situation.
This is a whole bunch of "it all depends," but so is life.
The original question was:
-=-So, is the acceptance the answer and never mind how they behave
because they will figure it out when they figure it out and I can't
control or shape it? -=-
My simple answer is no.
:-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So Sandra, when it matters to you, what do you DO? Do you take them
aside and speak to them? -=-
It always depends who's there, what mood they're in. Was he hunting
easter eggs without having had breakfast? Did you wake him up to hunt
eggs?
There might have been other factors.
My kids always knew I hid the eggs. If your child and the others
there knew that too, maybe you could have said "next year I'm putting
candy instead," or "I hope some of these have candy."
You could have taken a few found ones and put candy in them and hidden
them in a cool part of the yard where he wasn't looking, maybe.
-=-When there is a line within your family that you think your
children have crossed, what do you DO? How do you handle it?
-=-
I want to save face for them short-term if at possible, but I want to
save face for them longterm, too. So if one situation can be covered
over or ignored or let slide, and I can talk to them afterwards when
they're all fed, watered, rested and the situation isn't immediate,
then I would talk to them later.
If it's immediate and someone else is involved than family, maybe you
could say "I think Carol's feelings will be hurt if you're unhappy" or
something (depends if Carol was the one who hid eggs with money in
them, or whatever.)
Depends how old the child is.
Depends how adept the child is at social situations.
-=-For example, if I tell him "Joe, can you please be more quiet, we
are in the car. It hurts my ears". Then, half an hour later he will
tell his friend Jaeden, "Jaeden can you be quiet - you are hurting my
ears." .. but now we are in the basement and it doesn't bother ME
anymore, because I think the basement is a more acceptable place to be
loud.-=-
That one I would have just let go. Kids get older. It's normal for
them to try things out and to copy the way others treat them.
In the car, could you have opened the windows, or put music on that he
could have sing along to or something?
Maybe being more creative with your own criticisms and responses will
give you and him both ideas about how to handle other situation.
This is a whole bunch of "it all depends," but so is life.
The original question was:
-=-So, is the acceptance the answer and never mind how they behave
because they will figure it out when they figure it out and I can't
control or shape it? -=-
My simple answer is no.
:-)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***Then, it popped into my head that I could have just said "you really wanted candy instead of money, didn't you?" and let that be that. That I could have just ACCEPTED what he was feeling in the moment and not worried about his behavior.***
In this situation I would've pulled my child aside and let him know that ALL of the eggs had money in them and that the fun now would be to find them all and that you'd go and get candy ASAP, some that he could choose himself!
As a kid, I would've been extremely disappointed with not getting any candy for Easter. We never had candy in our house, so candy was a big deal to get. If that's the case for your family, I'd consider having more around so that it's not such a big deal to get or not to get candy for Easter. At our house this year, we didn't have extra money, so I took a bunch of plastic eggs and filled them with candy we already had in the house and put them in the basket. It was the thought that counted.
Margaux would've preferred new and interesting candy, but she was happy to have her little basket full of candy already to take with her to grandma's house. Chamille, her older sister shared some of her candy stash to make more variety for her sister's basket. Chamille didn't want a basket at all this year so she even let her sister use her basket, which has been a source of contention over the years, as Chamille's has always been fancier in shape. She's letting her sister keep it forever, we use the same 2 baskets every year. I actually like Margaux's better, but for some reason Margaux never did even though it's bigger and can fit more stuff in it! I should have just gotten a new basket, but I always forgot until it was time to fill them!
So, now you know! Have candy around for just in case you need some!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
In this situation I would've pulled my child aside and let him know that ALL of the eggs had money in them and that the fun now would be to find them all and that you'd go and get candy ASAP, some that he could choose himself!
As a kid, I would've been extremely disappointed with not getting any candy for Easter. We never had candy in our house, so candy was a big deal to get. If that's the case for your family, I'd consider having more around so that it's not such a big deal to get or not to get candy for Easter. At our house this year, we didn't have extra money, so I took a bunch of plastic eggs and filled them with candy we already had in the house and put them in the basket. It was the thought that counted.
Margaux would've preferred new and interesting candy, but she was happy to have her little basket full of candy already to take with her to grandma's house. Chamille, her older sister shared some of her candy stash to make more variety for her sister's basket. Chamille didn't want a basket at all this year so she even let her sister use her basket, which has been a source of contention over the years, as Chamille's has always been fancier in shape. She's letting her sister keep it forever, we use the same 2 baskets every year. I actually like Margaux's better, but for some reason Margaux never did even though it's bigger and can fit more stuff in it! I should have just gotten a new basket, but I always forgot until it was time to fill them!
So, now you know! Have candy around for just in case you need some!
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]