Privacy issues in the home, saying "this is private"
Deborah McKee Kelly
Hi there,
Just a quick question about curious kids and the unschooling approach to
parental privacy.
I really try to answer all my 9-year-old's questions and not feel impatient
with his incessant questioning and curiosity. When I know the answer, I
tell him. When I don't know, I tell him I'm not sure and that I'll help him
find the answer if he wants me to help.
But this issue has to do with his interest in looking over my shoulder as I
write e-mails or read things from friends, and his wanting to know what my
phone conversations are about, etc.
I've always been a pretty private person, even when there wasn't something
especially "private" about the topic. For instance, if I'm talking on the
phone to my mom in the kitchen while he's doing something in the other room,
then I get off the phone and come in the room where he is, he'll say, "What
were you talking about? Who were you talking to? I heard you say something
about 1 o'clock, what was that about?"
Is there some kind, respectful way of saying it was a private call, or that
I'd rather not share what we were talking about? Is it fair of me to want
such privacy? Should I instead find ways to have my phone conversations or
write my e-mails when he's not around? That's not easy, for sure! Should I
not feel uncomfortable about answering his questions? Sometimes I don't
mind -- like, my mom has jury duty this afternoon, and that's what we were
talking about, and when he asked, I told him, and explained what jury duty
is, and then he said that sounded interesting, and then he dropped it. No
biggie. But is everything fair game for questioning and answering? I try
to watch my motivations for why I do or don't want to answer questions -- is
it just me feeling impatient? (not a good reason) Or is it valid that I
shouldn't *have to* share about my discussion?
What should I say when I'm sending a quick message off to a friend and he
comes to stand over my shoulder and read it?
I don't want him to worry that I'm talking "about" him (very rarely am I
doing that), but I also just feel kind of private sometimes.
Is that a traditional parenting thing, to want the kids to "mind your own
business" on certain things? It sounds old-fashioned and traditional -- but
is there any merit to the idea at all? And if so, how do I talk to him
about it without sounding / seeming / being really rude?
_____________________
Deb McKee Kelly | dlmckee@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Just a quick question about curious kids and the unschooling approach to
parental privacy.
I really try to answer all my 9-year-old's questions and not feel impatient
with his incessant questioning and curiosity. When I know the answer, I
tell him. When I don't know, I tell him I'm not sure and that I'll help him
find the answer if he wants me to help.
But this issue has to do with his interest in looking over my shoulder as I
write e-mails or read things from friends, and his wanting to know what my
phone conversations are about, etc.
I've always been a pretty private person, even when there wasn't something
especially "private" about the topic. For instance, if I'm talking on the
phone to my mom in the kitchen while he's doing something in the other room,
then I get off the phone and come in the room where he is, he'll say, "What
were you talking about? Who were you talking to? I heard you say something
about 1 o'clock, what was that about?"
Is there some kind, respectful way of saying it was a private call, or that
I'd rather not share what we were talking about? Is it fair of me to want
such privacy? Should I instead find ways to have my phone conversations or
write my e-mails when he's not around? That's not easy, for sure! Should I
not feel uncomfortable about answering his questions? Sometimes I don't
mind -- like, my mom has jury duty this afternoon, and that's what we were
talking about, and when he asked, I told him, and explained what jury duty
is, and then he said that sounded interesting, and then he dropped it. No
biggie. But is everything fair game for questioning and answering? I try
to watch my motivations for why I do or don't want to answer questions -- is
it just me feeling impatient? (not a good reason) Or is it valid that I
shouldn't *have to* share about my discussion?
What should I say when I'm sending a quick message off to a friend and he
comes to stand over my shoulder and read it?
I don't want him to worry that I'm talking "about" him (very rarely am I
doing that), but I also just feel kind of private sometimes.
Is that a traditional parenting thing, to want the kids to "mind your own
business" on certain things? It sounds old-fashioned and traditional -- but
is there any merit to the idea at all? And if so, how do I talk to him
about it without sounding / seeming / being really rude?
_____________________
Deb McKee Kelly | dlmckee@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Su Penn
On Mar 29, 2010, at 9:36 AM, Deborah McKee Kelly wrote:
Are there times when your son wants privacy? Does he not want anybody opening the door while he's on the toilet, or does he like to go into his room and close the door sometimes? I have it relatively easy with regard to my kids respecting my privacy when I ask for it because both of my sons have a high need for alone time themselves, so it's pretty easy for them to understand that I would also have things I don't want to share. But you might be able to build on his need for those times to help him understand your desire for privacy as well.
Su, mom to Eric, 8; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
> Is there some kind, respectful way of saying it was a private call, or that"That was between me and my mom, sweetie. It's not something you need to be concerned about." Repeat as necessary.
> I'd rather not share what we were talking about?
> Is it fair of me to wantWhy not? Is there anyone else in your life who you would think was entitled to know what was going on in a conversation you wanted to be private, or to read over your shoulder while you wrote e-mails?
> such privacy?
> Should I instead find ways to have my phone conversations orSome of this would probably help, in the short term at least.
> write my e-mails when he's not around?
> That's not easy, for sure! Should ISome people are very private. One of my best friends is so private that he doesn't talk to me and my partner about some of the most mundane things imaginable because he just doesn't like to do that. Not quite, "What'd you have for dinner, Scott?" "Oh, food," but almost! It's something we know about him and respect.
> not feel uncomfortable about answering his questions?
> What should I say when I'm sending a quick message off to a friend and he"Please don't read over my shoulder when I'm writing on the computer." I have to say this to my partner from time to time. Even when I'm writing something for public consumption like a blog post, I don't like people looking over my shoulder while I do it.
> comes to stand over my shoulder and read it?
Are there times when your son wants privacy? Does he not want anybody opening the door while he's on the toilet, or does he like to go into his room and close the door sometimes? I have it relatively easy with regard to my kids respecting my privacy when I ask for it because both of my sons have a high need for alone time themselves, so it's pretty easy for them to understand that I would also have things I don't want to share. But you might be able to build on his need for those times to help him understand your desire for privacy as well.
Su, mom to Eric, 8; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-=-What should I say when I'm sending a quick message off to a friend and he
comes to stand over my shoulder and read it?-=-
Only very rarely was I writing something I didn't want my kids to read and when I was I did it privately.
They would ask (Holly, especially), and I would share the situation with them. Sometimes it was boring and sometimes it led to great conversations.
You could say really honestly that it bothers some people more than others to have someone read over their shoulder. And that's true. Some people object even if another can see without leaning over whatever newspaper or magazine they're reading. If you use that justification (though it's true), please think about whether that's a school-related irritation, that the teacher or another kid is monitoring your reading speed or activities or whatever. If it IS a school-related irritation, it might be healthier to see that and try to get past it.
I suppose you could have all the privacy you want, but it might be better for relationship building and for learning if you share what you know and what you're doing (short of the details of your sex life). If I heard Keith or Marty or Holly on the phone to a relative and they said "1:00" I would definitely want to know what it was about--maybe they've just agreed that we'll be home at 1:00 (which day?) or that they will do something by 1:00 (I might need to remind them).
Because we've shared with our children, they've been open to share with us. I know things Marty's girlfriend has said that I don't think she would be happy to have had shared, because she's from a sneaky family, but Marty's used to being open about things. Holly and Kirby, too. They will talk, and I will listen and so when they've had problems I haven't said "none of my business" and they haven't grown up thinking people should have a big bubble of privacy and secrecy.
If we say "Sure, have your privacy," it could backfire on you in relationship-openness terms.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
comes to stand over my shoulder and read it?-=-
Only very rarely was I writing something I didn't want my kids to read and when I was I did it privately.
They would ask (Holly, especially), and I would share the situation with them. Sometimes it was boring and sometimes it led to great conversations.
You could say really honestly that it bothers some people more than others to have someone read over their shoulder. And that's true. Some people object even if another can see without leaning over whatever newspaper or magazine they're reading. If you use that justification (though it's true), please think about whether that's a school-related irritation, that the teacher or another kid is monitoring your reading speed or activities or whatever. If it IS a school-related irritation, it might be healthier to see that and try to get past it.
I suppose you could have all the privacy you want, but it might be better for relationship building and for learning if you share what you know and what you're doing (short of the details of your sex life). If I heard Keith or Marty or Holly on the phone to a relative and they said "1:00" I would definitely want to know what it was about--maybe they've just agreed that we'll be home at 1:00 (which day?) or that they will do something by 1:00 (I might need to remind them).
Because we've shared with our children, they've been open to share with us. I know things Marty's girlfriend has said that I don't think she would be happy to have had shared, because she's from a sneaky family, but Marty's used to being open about things. Holly and Kirby, too. They will talk, and I will listen and so when they've had problems I haven't said "none of my business" and they haven't grown up thinking people should have a big bubble of privacy and secrecy.
If we say "Sure, have your privacy," it could backfire on you in relationship-openness terms.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Mar 29, 2010, at 9:36 AM, Deborah McKee Kelly wrote:
cues from others how deeply they want to share. So you'll be doing
his future wife a favor by helping him with understanding ;-)
nosy. That's unlikely to be true!
I think if you keep the explanation simple and give him the tools to
handle the situation, that will be better than hoping to change who
he is with information.
Let him know not everyone likes to share everything. (Not everyone
likes the same TV shows. Not everyone likes hot dogs. It just is.)
Then tell him you'd appreciate if he'd ask first before he started
reading.
If he's a social extrovert he may understand the words but won't
really "get it". It could be that he'll have a hard time remembering
that something that's second nature to him -- sharing life -- isn't
innate to everyone. Sharing may be like breathing to him. ;-)
It could also be he's going through a stage in life where social
relationships are fascinating to him. And he just needs to suck in
everything he can get. (If that's the case, he might find TV shows
and movies that revolve around relationships fascinating. Maybe some
family sit coms.)
So it might help shift your view point to see that this might be a
big need, and he won't understand why the whole world isn't the way
he is ;-) So you'll need a lot of patience to remind him each time.
Reminders can be as short as just "Ask!" Just because he's doing
something doesn't mean he doesn't understand. The ability to catch
himself before doing what's natural to him will take much longer to
develop.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Is that a traditional parenting thing, to want the kids to "mindBut a desire for privacy isn't just a mom thing. It's polite to take
> your own
> business" on certain things? It sounds old-fashioned and
> traditional -- but
> is there any merit to the idea at all?
cues from others how deeply they want to share. So you'll be doing
his future wife a favor by helping him with understanding ;-)
> And if so, how do I talk to himI suspect you're thinking that if he understood then he'd not be so
> about it without sounding / seeming / being really rude?
>
nosy. That's unlikely to be true!
I think if you keep the explanation simple and give him the tools to
handle the situation, that will be better than hoping to change who
he is with information.
Let him know not everyone likes to share everything. (Not everyone
likes the same TV shows. Not everyone likes hot dogs. It just is.)
Then tell him you'd appreciate if he'd ask first before he started
reading.
If he's a social extrovert he may understand the words but won't
really "get it". It could be that he'll have a hard time remembering
that something that's second nature to him -- sharing life -- isn't
innate to everyone. Sharing may be like breathing to him. ;-)
It could also be he's going through a stage in life where social
relationships are fascinating to him. And he just needs to suck in
everything he can get. (If that's the case, he might find TV shows
and movies that revolve around relationships fascinating. Maybe some
family sit coms.)
So it might help shift your view point to see that this might be a
big need, and he won't understand why the whole world isn't the way
he is ;-) So you'll need a lot of patience to remind him each time.
Reminders can be as short as just "Ask!" Just because he's doing
something doesn't mean he doesn't understand. The ability to catch
himself before doing what's natural to him will take much longer to
develop.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanna
> But this issue has to do with his interest in looking over my shoulder as II share almost everything with my kids when they ask. If the situation is so sensitive that I really shouldn't then I tell them that, we talk about why, and if/when I feel like they understand about the importance of privacy in the matter, then I usually end up sharing it with them anyway.
> write e-mails or read things from friends, and his wanting to know what my
> phone conversations are about, etc.
>
They learn so much about the world by watching the real workings of it in action over my shoulder that I can't imagine cutting them off from it. I would ask yourself why you feel the need to block him from this realm--are you afraid that your son will share sensitive info--then that's a great conversation with him! Kids want entre into the adult world, and this is one big way to get it--through your eyes and experience. Along with that comes the responsibility and maturity to use this information properly--or NOT use it, as is generally the case, and that trust has been an important part of my relationships with both my kids.
I can understand not wanting to have him read your words, because they are probably out of context when there is a background to the situation, but in most cases, why not give him the whole background if he's interested, AND able to keep private things private? If he's not good with private information, then that's a whole different matter, but again--a very important aspect of life that growing kids need to learn about.
My son is so much better at keeping his friends secrets than any of the friends are, as far as I can tell--and he navigated the tweens better in that regard, probably because we've had so many overt conversations about sharing information and whose information belongs to whom. Who's story is it? That's a hot discussion topic around here. Is it your story to share? If not, then don't share it if it's private.
Joanna
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/29/2010 6:36 AM, Deborah McKee Kelly wrote:
always wanting to be in on and know about every conversation (why did
you say that? what did she say? what did you mean? I heard you say 2
o'clock, what is happening then?) could be very annoying, so I really do
understand (and I'm not at ALL a private person - so it is probably
harder for you).
I think you've got a child with a very very strong and intense
interpersonal intelligence - and he wants to soak up everything about
what goes on between people. I had a couple like this and I'm like this,
so I relate to him. Others might think it is nothing but nosiness, but I
think it is a fascination with human behavior. I like to know and
understand all that goes on between people - from the seemingly mundane
to the earth-shatteringly significant - I find all of it endlessly
fascinating and I always have.
Guess what my oldest daughter is doing? She just got accepted to
graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. Makes sense,
right?
Instead of being annoyed by his incessant nosiness, find ways to support
his interest in people's lives - in what is going on in the world - in
ways that are appropriate for his age. Maybe he'll be a journalist.
Maybe a novelist. Maybe a therapist. Maybe he's gathering material to
become a great actor. Don't stifle or crush it - treat it sweetly and
gently.
Maybe you can get a little more analytical with him. He says, "I heard
you say 1 pm, what's happening at 1 pm?" You say whatever it is and then
get him involved in thinking about whether that was a good time -
thinking about scheduling, planning, etc."
Take his questions as indications of his interests and feed them!
Can you have any private conversations? Of course. When he's asleep or
playing at someone else's house are good times for that.
Otherwise, I think you know you've got a curious kid who is super
interested in adult conversations - so don't set up situations where
you'd need to refuse to enlighten him. In fact, do the opposite, consult
with him before you make a phone call, let him be part of it with you.
Need to call the cable company about the bill? Tell him what you're
going to say and wy and let him listen in and see how you handle it when
you don't get satisfaction. He wants to learn. Help him learn in his
best way.
Of course you have a "right" to privacy. But when parents start talking
about their rights, that's always a bad sign. Try to turn it around to
how you can support him in ways that work for you both. You're the
experienced person in this relationship, so you adjust your behavior.
I would say that it isn't very cool for a parent to very often be
saying, "This is private, go away." The kid won't know when that is
going to hit him. That kind of intermittent and unpredictable response
will be harmful to your relationship and not nurturing and supportive of
his curious nature.
Be as open and nonprivate as you can possibly be with your child, and
find ways to satisfy your own desire for privacy that don't negatively
impact him.
-pam
> Is there some kind, respectful way of saying it was a private call, orMy oldest daughter, now 24 years old, was exactly as your son sounds -
> that
> I'd rather not share what we were talking about? Is it fair of me to want
> such privacy?
always wanting to be in on and know about every conversation (why did
you say that? what did she say? what did you mean? I heard you say 2
o'clock, what is happening then?) could be very annoying, so I really do
understand (and I'm not at ALL a private person - so it is probably
harder for you).
I think you've got a child with a very very strong and intense
interpersonal intelligence - and he wants to soak up everything about
what goes on between people. I had a couple like this and I'm like this,
so I relate to him. Others might think it is nothing but nosiness, but I
think it is a fascination with human behavior. I like to know and
understand all that goes on between people - from the seemingly mundane
to the earth-shatteringly significant - I find all of it endlessly
fascinating and I always have.
Guess what my oldest daughter is doing? She just got accepted to
graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. Makes sense,
right?
Instead of being annoyed by his incessant nosiness, find ways to support
his interest in people's lives - in what is going on in the world - in
ways that are appropriate for his age. Maybe he'll be a journalist.
Maybe a novelist. Maybe a therapist. Maybe he's gathering material to
become a great actor. Don't stifle or crush it - treat it sweetly and
gently.
Maybe you can get a little more analytical with him. He says, "I heard
you say 1 pm, what's happening at 1 pm?" You say whatever it is and then
get him involved in thinking about whether that was a good time -
thinking about scheduling, planning, etc."
Take his questions as indications of his interests and feed them!
Can you have any private conversations? Of course. When he's asleep or
playing at someone else's house are good times for that.
Otherwise, I think you know you've got a curious kid who is super
interested in adult conversations - so don't set up situations where
you'd need to refuse to enlighten him. In fact, do the opposite, consult
with him before you make a phone call, let him be part of it with you.
Need to call the cable company about the bill? Tell him what you're
going to say and wy and let him listen in and see how you handle it when
you don't get satisfaction. He wants to learn. Help him learn in his
best way.
Of course you have a "right" to privacy. But when parents start talking
about their rights, that's always a bad sign. Try to turn it around to
how you can support him in ways that work for you both. You're the
experienced person in this relationship, so you adjust your behavior.
I would say that it isn't very cool for a parent to very often be
saying, "This is private, go away." The kid won't know when that is
going to hit him. That kind of intermittent and unpredictable response
will be harmful to your relationship and not nurturing and supportive of
his curious nature.
Be as open and nonprivate as you can possibly be with your child, and
find ways to satisfy your own desire for privacy that don't negatively
impact him.
-pam
k
Privacy is usually a matter of degree and personal preference. That's
probably stating the obvious.
here), for instance, is doing something illegal, and then it comes to
a head and the child gets into trouble because of it, I don't think I
would care a bit about privacy between parent and child in that
situation. A child could hurt someone or be hurt in such a situation.
And I value the openness I have with Karl because I feel pretty
confident, Karl being very vocal and trusting of us, that he would
tell us or at least ask us a question that would lead to talking about
situations enough to head off disaster.
It would be very hard to engender that kind of trust in Karl if I
didn't trust in Karl enough to let him into a good many things just
because, for one thing, it's life experience and children learn from
everything. This doesn't mean that I would tell Karl absolutely
anything at all about myself but I don't see any benefit to holding on
to privacy to that degree. When Karl was 3 and 4 years old, he often
asked what I was writing and couldn't read much beyond a very few
short words. I might not tell him everything about what I was writing
or responding to, but I gave him the gist of it, which is all he
wanted anyway. This doesn't mean I tell him every last thing about it
which he probably isn't interested in anyway.
~Katherine
probably stating the obvious.
>>>If we say "Sure, have your privacy," it could backfire on you in relationship-openness terms.<<<If a parent doesn't know that a child (I'm going to be a bit extreme
here), for instance, is doing something illegal, and then it comes to
a head and the child gets into trouble because of it, I don't think I
would care a bit about privacy between parent and child in that
situation. A child could hurt someone or be hurt in such a situation.
And I value the openness I have with Karl because I feel pretty
confident, Karl being very vocal and trusting of us, that he would
tell us or at least ask us a question that would lead to talking about
situations enough to head off disaster.
It would be very hard to engender that kind of trust in Karl if I
didn't trust in Karl enough to let him into a good many things just
because, for one thing, it's life experience and children learn from
everything. This doesn't mean that I would tell Karl absolutely
anything at all about myself but I don't see any benefit to holding on
to privacy to that degree. When Karl was 3 and 4 years old, he often
asked what I was writing and couldn't read much beyond a very few
short words. I might not tell him everything about what I was writing
or responding to, but I gave him the gist of it, which is all he
wanted anyway. This doesn't mean I tell him every last thing about it
which he probably isn't interested in anyway.
~Katherine
Jenny Cyphers
***Because we've shared with our children, they've been open to share with us. I know things Marty's girlfriend has said that I don't think she would be happy to have had shared, because she's from a sneaky family, but Marty's used to being open about things. Holly and Kirby, too. They will talk, and I will listen and so when they've had problems I haven't said "none of my business" and they haven't grown up thinking people should have a big bubble of privacy and secrecy.***
Chamille's boyfriend is very private and secretive and sneaky when it comes to his life and his father. With us, it took a while to get to a place of complete honesty, but he did get there. We know everything that goes on in their lives and the lives of their friends.
There have been times when I would like to openly discuss things with his father, but I can't even begin to do that without breaking a lot of trust and probably getting him in loads of trouble!
I think the relationship that we have with our kids and their friends is a direct relation to how open and honest we've been with them over the years. There are few things that are truly private.
Chamille has always been a secret keeper for her friends. I've never tried to pry information out of her. I've always let her have private emails, private journals, private texting, and private phone conversations. She's always accepted that others have needs for privacy, the same way that she does. Some kids let everything out in the open and don't have that intense need for privacy.
I think too much privacy is probably not such a good idea. I find that uncomfortable honesty has always been better than trying to keep information from being shared.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Chamille's boyfriend is very private and secretive and sneaky when it comes to his life and his father. With us, it took a while to get to a place of complete honesty, but he did get there. We know everything that goes on in their lives and the lives of their friends.
There have been times when I would like to openly discuss things with his father, but I can't even begin to do that without breaking a lot of trust and probably getting him in loads of trouble!
I think the relationship that we have with our kids and their friends is a direct relation to how open and honest we've been with them over the years. There are few things that are truly private.
Chamille has always been a secret keeper for her friends. I've never tried to pry information out of her. I've always let her have private emails, private journals, private texting, and private phone conversations. She's always accepted that others have needs for privacy, the same way that she does. Some kids let everything out in the open and don't have that intense need for privacy.
I think too much privacy is probably not such a good idea. I find that uncomfortable honesty has always been better than trying to keep information from being shared.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/30/2010 4:21 PM, Jenny Cyphers wrote:
But - there are times kids, even open and talkative and not-at-all
secretive kids, will want privacy - things they'll be thinking about
that they're not ready to discuss with parents. I think the privacy need
goes more in that direction than in the parents' need for privacy. Lots
of adults act like kids have an obligation to share everything in their
heads with any adult who asks And they act like parents have a right to
know what they're even just thinking about. That's not very respectful.
-pam
> I think the relationship that we have with our kids and their friendsI agree 100 percent.
> is a direct relation to how open and honest we've been with them over
> the years. There are few things that are truly private.
But - there are times kids, even open and talkative and not-at-all
secretive kids, will want privacy - things they'll be thinking about
that they're not ready to discuss with parents. I think the privacy need
goes more in that direction than in the parents' need for privacy. Lots
of adults act like kids have an obligation to share everything in their
heads with any adult who asks And they act like parents have a right to
know what they're even just thinking about. That's not very respectful.
-pam
Sandra Dodd
-=-Lots
of adults act like kids have an obligation to share everything in their
heads with any adult who asks And they act like parents have a right to
know what they're even just thinking about. That's not very
respectful.-=-
True, and especially if the parents have said "none of your business"
or anything like that very much.
Last night on Two and a Half Men (yeah, I know; you wouldn't think it
would be a great parenting-model show), Jake (the teenaged boy) asks
his dad and uncle, after they all watch a TV commercial about men's
urinary or prostate problems or something, whether either of them has
excessive urination. They discussed it with him, humorously, saying
no, but it depends what you mean by "excessive" (or whatever the term
was) and his dad admits he goes four times a night.
But the point is they took it as a real question and answered it. And
I thought about the question on this list. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
of adults act like kids have an obligation to share everything in their
heads with any adult who asks And they act like parents have a right to
know what they're even just thinking about. That's not very
respectful.-=-
True, and especially if the parents have said "none of your business"
or anything like that very much.
Last night on Two and a Half Men (yeah, I know; you wouldn't think it
would be a great parenting-model show), Jake (the teenaged boy) asks
his dad and uncle, after they all watch a TV commercial about men's
urinary or prostate problems or something, whether either of them has
excessive urination. They discussed it with him, humorously, saying
no, but it depends what you mean by "excessive" (or whatever the term
was) and his dad admits he goes four times a night.
But the point is they took it as a real question and answered it. And
I thought about the question on this list. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***Lots
of adults act like kids have an obligation to share everything in their
heads with any adult who asks And they act like parents have a right to
know what they're even just thinking about. That's not very respectful.***
Oh right! That breaks my heart! The enormous disrespectful invasion of privacy! Chamille left her phone in Cyle's dad's car once and Cyle's dad, thinking it was Cyle's phone snooped into it. He read text messages, looked at pictures, everything. Chamille felt hugely violated. I told him off. But even if it had been Cyle's phone, it would've really sucked for Cyle. Why any parent would do that is beyond me! Cyle's dad felt completely within his rights as a parent to do that too, actually grounded Cyle and sent him to his mom's house based on the content of some of the texts in the phone. The whole event was horrible. Now they erase EVERYthing on their phones, which is a good thing I guess, but really sucks to need to just because they fear one person who feels righteous in snooping.
That event sealed the deal on how Chamille feels about Cyle's dad. She didn't like him much before, but was forgiving of the dumb things he did, angry at the mean stuff, but still open to believing that he might one day be decent. She won't even go over to their house anymore, won't even say "hello" to him, nothing, complete stone wall. She might get over it one day, but I doubt any time soon and this happened many months ago!
***I think the privacy need
goes more in that direction than in the parents' need for privacy.***
I absolutely agree with this! When I clean Chamille's room, I'm really careful not to read notes and stuff. I don't read over her shoulder when she's online or texting. I WANT her to feel like she can hang out in the same room as me and do her thing while I do mine.
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of adults act like kids have an obligation to share everything in their
heads with any adult who asks And they act like parents have a right to
know what they're even just thinking about. That's not very respectful.***
Oh right! That breaks my heart! The enormous disrespectful invasion of privacy! Chamille left her phone in Cyle's dad's car once and Cyle's dad, thinking it was Cyle's phone snooped into it. He read text messages, looked at pictures, everything. Chamille felt hugely violated. I told him off. But even if it had been Cyle's phone, it would've really sucked for Cyle. Why any parent would do that is beyond me! Cyle's dad felt completely within his rights as a parent to do that too, actually grounded Cyle and sent him to his mom's house based on the content of some of the texts in the phone. The whole event was horrible. Now they erase EVERYthing on their phones, which is a good thing I guess, but really sucks to need to just because they fear one person who feels righteous in snooping.
That event sealed the deal on how Chamille feels about Cyle's dad. She didn't like him much before, but was forgiving of the dumb things he did, angry at the mean stuff, but still open to believing that he might one day be decent. She won't even go over to their house anymore, won't even say "hello" to him, nothing, complete stone wall. She might get over it one day, but I doubt any time soon and this happened many months ago!
***I think the privacy need
goes more in that direction than in the parents' need for privacy.***
I absolutely agree with this! When I clean Chamille's room, I'm really careful not to read notes and stuff. I don't read over her shoulder when she's online or texting. I WANT her to feel like she can hang out in the same room as me and do her thing while I do mine.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bun
I am so glad when my kids ask questions about things I am doing. It shows they are interested in what might be going on and it usually leads to many great discussions for all ages (we have a kids aged 12, 8, 4 and 1). I find that answering quesitons is a big part of how we live in general.
I asked my daughter Katie (12) last night about this topic and what she thought. She said that if she heard me mention something about ten oclock, she would want to ask me about it because she might feel excited that we might be doing something at that time and want to be sure she could fit it in her day (she has plans of what she likes to do during the day too!).
I know though if I am trying to concentrate sometimes, that is a time when I might feel like I want to have more quiet by me - which I sometimes might ask for too. If I get it, great. If not, I either postpone the activity that req'd my concentration, do my best to finish quickly or let it go. Laurie
I asked my daughter Katie (12) last night about this topic and what she thought. She said that if she heard me mention something about ten oclock, she would want to ask me about it because she might feel excited that we might be doing something at that time and want to be sure she could fit it in her day (she has plans of what she likes to do during the day too!).
I know though if I am trying to concentrate sometimes, that is a time when I might feel like I want to have more quiet by me - which I sometimes might ask for too. If I get it, great. If not, I either postpone the activity that req'd my concentration, do my best to finish quickly or let it go. Laurie