Son's Explosive Anger
joanne.lopers
This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control. I try and always listen to their play to catch things before they reach that level but we have a big yard and it can be difficult to always be there. I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the point where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting to the root of what is happening for the middle son. I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him. I am concerned that he will hurt someone as he will through rocks and heavy objects. He really hates it when I suggest to breath, maybe I don't do it in the right way? This is not really typical of our family though my husband is quicker to anger than I. Hoping for some wisdom to help us past this to a better way of being from some more experienced mothers.
Joanne
Joanne
Schuyler
Deb Lewis recently wrote a wonderful post about spending more time with a child who was/is being destructive. I'm gonna just rip it from the unschoolbasics archives and post it here:
***My ds is 4 and he takes tools (real, toy, knives, whatever he can
find
that he can alter
something with) and digs, cuts, scrapes
into one of the windowsills and one
particular
part of the living room wall.***
Where are you when he digs the windowsills or
walls?
If you know he's likely to do it (because he's done it before) you should be
with him.
***For the most part he'll stop
when redirected, or told
why it's not ok. ***
But he does it
again? After you told him why it's not ok?
He needs you with him
more, then.
***he will hit or throw things at his sister when she doesn't want to play
with
him. He won't be dissuaded by our
attempts to get him focused on something
else, playing with dh or me, helping us with something***
It seems like he needs more direct
attention from you so that he's not left
to dig walls or depend on
his sister to be his play mate.
Busy moms sometimes forget how
much four year olds still need attention.
They can seem so mature
about so many things - able to get snacks and
drinks, able to work
the TV and DVR and computer. But they really need mom
attention.
If you are doing housework or on the computer while he's doing
his
own thing, he's on his own too much. Play with him a lot while his
sister is in school. Get out and do things together, even if that's just
digging a big hole in the garden. Be right with him, be his companion.
Helping him find appropriate things to bang up and destroy is fine but it
has to come with the attention and companionship he's craving or it won't
be
enough.
If being destructive is his outlet for feelings of frustration or loneliness
you can change that. If he has
opportunity to destroy appropriate things
but still feels frustrated or lonely, he might find other, possibly more
destructive outlets. Don't expect the act of destruction to fulfill him.
*You* are the
only thing that can fulfill him. Your time, your attention.
You've said he's not polite, he's destructive and he's hurting his sister,
you should be with him all the time. If that means leaving housework until
your partner gets home, or waiting to get on the computer until
he's asleep,
then that's what it means right now. He's growing and
changing and won't be
four forever.
Deb Lewis
------------
So, that's what I'd say, spend more time with your 6 year old son. Don't expect your 8 year old to be his playmate. Be present a lot, a lot more.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: joanne.lopers <wilmalv@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, 27 March, 2010 6:28:15
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Son's Explosive Anger
This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control. I try and always listen to their play to catch things before they reach that level but we have a big yard and it can be difficult to always be there. I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the point where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting to the root of what is happening for the middle son. I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him. I am concerned that he will hurt someone as he
will through rocks and heavy objects. He really hates it when I suggest to breath, maybe I don't do it in the right way? This is not really typical of our family though my husband is quicker to anger than I. Hoping for some wisdom to help us past this to a better way of being from some more experienced mothers.
Joanne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
***My ds is 4 and he takes tools (real, toy, knives, whatever he can
find
that he can alter
something with) and digs, cuts, scrapes
into one of the windowsills and one
particular
part of the living room wall.***
Where are you when he digs the windowsills or
walls?
If you know he's likely to do it (because he's done it before) you should be
with him.
***For the most part he'll stop
when redirected, or told
why it's not ok. ***
But he does it
again? After you told him why it's not ok?
He needs you with him
more, then.
***he will hit or throw things at his sister when she doesn't want to play
with
him. He won't be dissuaded by our
attempts to get him focused on something
else, playing with dh or me, helping us with something***
It seems like he needs more direct
attention from you so that he's not left
to dig walls or depend on
his sister to be his play mate.
Busy moms sometimes forget how
much four year olds still need attention.
They can seem so mature
about so many things - able to get snacks and
drinks, able to work
the TV and DVR and computer. But they really need mom
attention.
If you are doing housework or on the computer while he's doing
his
own thing, he's on his own too much. Play with him a lot while his
sister is in school. Get out and do things together, even if that's just
digging a big hole in the garden. Be right with him, be his companion.
Helping him find appropriate things to bang up and destroy is fine but it
has to come with the attention and companionship he's craving or it won't
be
enough.
If being destructive is his outlet for feelings of frustration or loneliness
you can change that. If he has
opportunity to destroy appropriate things
but still feels frustrated or lonely, he might find other, possibly more
destructive outlets. Don't expect the act of destruction to fulfill him.
*You* are the
only thing that can fulfill him. Your time, your attention.
You've said he's not polite, he's destructive and he's hurting his sister,
you should be with him all the time. If that means leaving housework until
your partner gets home, or waiting to get on the computer until
he's asleep,
then that's what it means right now. He's growing and
changing and won't be
four forever.
Deb Lewis
------------
So, that's what I'd say, spend more time with your 6 year old son. Don't expect your 8 year old to be his playmate. Be present a lot, a lot more.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: joanne.lopers <wilmalv@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, 27 March, 2010 6:28:15
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Son's Explosive Anger
This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control. I try and always listen to their play to catch things before they reach that level but we have a big yard and it can be difficult to always be there. I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the point where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting to the root of what is happening for the middle son. I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him. I am concerned that he will hurt someone as he
will through rocks and heavy objects. He really hates it when I suggest to breath, maybe I don't do it in the right way? This is not really typical of our family though my husband is quicker to anger than I. Hoping for some wisdom to help us past this to a better way of being from some more experienced mothers.
Joanne
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kim green
hello, I am a new as well. My son 8yr old has had hard time dealing with
anger. We tried many things with him. What seemed to help the most was we
got a bunch of books on the subject of anger and i left them on the coffee
table.He loves to read. Eventually he saw them and read them. It worked so
much better for him to read ways to deal with his anger than me as his
parent telling him ways to deal with it. He actually tried several ways on
his own. He discovered that leaving the situation, going to his bed and
reading helped him calm down. That is what worked for us. It is really hard
dealing with the anger outbursts. I hope you find your way soon.
--
Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a fire "~ William
Butler Yeats~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
anger. We tried many things with him. What seemed to help the most was we
got a bunch of books on the subject of anger and i left them on the coffee
table.He loves to read. Eventually he saw them and read them. It worked so
much better for him to read ways to deal with his anger than me as his
parent telling him ways to deal with it. He actually tried several ways on
his own. He discovered that leaving the situation, going to his bed and
reading helped him calm down. That is what worked for us. It is really hard
dealing with the anger outbursts. I hope you find your way soon.
--
Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a fire "~ William
Butler Yeats~
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lalow66
"
Joanne,
I am not more experienced, my oldest(James) is 8 as well but I see the behaviors you described in my kids. My middle son (Ben) is 7 and out of all my kids he is the quickest to lash out.. especially at James. One thing I have been thinking about this week is that perhaps I am ignoring something that James is communicating because he is not physically violent and always focusing more on the violence of Ben. I spend ALOT of time with Ben cause I feel he needs that attention and dont think about how the teasing, pushing the limits, behavior James sometimes exhibits is also his way of communicating frustration with his brother and jealousy etc.. I am trying to look at what both kids are trying to communicate with their behaviors and not just focus on the behavior.
> This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control. I try and always listen to their play to catch things before they reach that level but we have a big yard and it can be difficult to always be there. I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the point where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting to the root of what is happening for the middle son. I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him. I am concerned that he will hurt someone as he will through rocks and heavy objects. He really hates it when I suggest to breath, maybe I don't do it in the right way? This is not really typical of our family though my husband is quicker to anger than I. Hoping for some wisdom to help us past this to a better way of being from some more experienced mothers."
> Joanne
Joanne,
I am not more experienced, my oldest(James) is 8 as well but I see the behaviors you described in my kids. My middle son (Ben) is 7 and out of all my kids he is the quickest to lash out.. especially at James. One thing I have been thinking about this week is that perhaps I am ignoring something that James is communicating because he is not physically violent and always focusing more on the violence of Ben. I spend ALOT of time with Ben cause I feel he needs that attention and dont think about how the teasing, pushing the limits, behavior James sometimes exhibits is also his way of communicating frustration with his brother and jealousy etc.. I am trying to look at what both kids are trying to communicate with their behaviors and not just focus on the behavior.
Sandra Dodd
-= My son 8yr old has had hard time dealing with
anger. We tried many things with him. What seemed to help the most was
we
got a bunch of books on the subject of anger and i left them on the
coffee
table.... He actually tried several ways on
his own. He discovered that leaving the situation, going to his bed and
reading helped him calm down.-=-
So for kids who are suffering frustration and can't read, or might not
pick books up to read if they could read, what other suggestions did
your son find in those books?
Leave the situation.
Go to your room and read.
Breathing helped us, but somehow we figured out a way to get Kirby's
attention and help him breath to be calmer.
What other things might a family put on a list as a reminder that
there are options?
Even a child who can't read might be helped by a list of possible
responses to fury, if the parents or someone could help him remember
there were choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
anger. We tried many things with him. What seemed to help the most was
we
got a bunch of books on the subject of anger and i left them on the
coffee
table.... He actually tried several ways on
his own. He discovered that leaving the situation, going to his bed and
reading helped him calm down.-=-
So for kids who are suffering frustration and can't read, or might not
pick books up to read if they could read, what other suggestions did
your son find in those books?
Leave the situation.
Go to your room and read.
Breathing helped us, but somehow we figured out a way to get Kirby's
attention and help him breath to be calmer.
What other things might a family put on a list as a reminder that
there are options?
Even a child who can't read might be helped by a list of possible
responses to fury, if the parents or someone could help him remember
there were choices.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the point
where his younger brother explodes.-=-
That sounds as though you're giving him permission to push some, just
not to the point of explosion.
If he's being mean or teasing at all, that needs to stop, because your
middle son needs to feel safe and at peace in his own home, in his own
yard.
But it can't be his brother's responsibility to see to his peace,
though it should be the parents' responsibility to guard against
bullying or harrassment.
I used to say "It's only playing if everyone is playing." It's not
okay for one to say "I was only playing" if the other one was saying
"Stop."
-=- I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those
situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting
to the root of what is happening for the middle son.-=-
I agree with the advice of being there more. Maybe find more
opportunities for each child to be alone with you and maybe you'll
learn more that way.
http://sandradodd.com/truck
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
where his younger brother explodes.-=-
That sounds as though you're giving him permission to push some, just
not to the point of explosion.
If he's being mean or teasing at all, that needs to stop, because your
middle son needs to feel safe and at peace in his own home, in his own
yard.
But it can't be his brother's responsibility to see to his peace,
though it should be the parents' responsibility to guard against
bullying or harrassment.
I used to say "It's only playing if everyone is playing." It's not
okay for one to say "I was only playing" if the other one was saying
"Stop."
-=- I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those
situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting
to the root of what is happening for the middle son.-=-
I agree with the advice of being there more. Maybe find more
opportunities for each child to be alone with you and maybe you'll
learn more that way.
http://sandradodd.com/truck
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/26/2010 11:28 PM, joanne.lopers wrote:
together, right? Which is why you get a bit complacent and then they erupt?
I had three girls who played together really happily much of the time,
but the middle one would sometimes explode in anger. I now know, after
years of trial and error, the solution. More separate time! The more
time they are separated, the more they enjoy the time they have to play
together. Find reasons to take one with you when you go out. Set up play
dates for just one. Invite a friend over for one and do something
special with the others. And so on.
-pam
> . I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the pointI'm assuming there are long periods of time that they do play happily
> where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code word they could
> use to try and avoid those situations.
together, right? Which is why you get a bit complacent and then they erupt?
I had three girls who played together really happily much of the time,
but the middle one would sometimes explode in anger. I now know, after
years of trial and error, the solution. More separate time! The more
time they are separated, the more they enjoy the time they have to play
together. Find reasons to take one with you when you go out. Set up play
dates for just one. Invite a friend over for one and do something
special with the others. And so on.
-pam
k
It was very hard for me to be present until I started to do it a lot. Then
it became easier. I still gravitate to my own interests but the more I
*make* time to be with Karl the more peaceful and genuinely able we are to
trust one another.
~Katherine
it became easier. I still gravitate to my own interests but the more I
*make* time to be with Karl the more peaceful and genuinely able we are to
trust one another.
~Katherine
On Sat, Mar 27, 2010 at 6:53 AM, Schuyler <s.waynforth@...>wrote:
> Deb Lewis recently wrote a wonderful post about spending more time with a
> child who was/is being destructive. I'm gonna just rip it from the
> unschoolbasics archives and post it here:
>
> ***My ds is 4 and he takes tools (real, toy, knives, whatever he can
> find
> that he can alter
> something with) and digs, cuts, scrapes
> into one of the windowsills and one
> particular
> part of the living room wall.***
>
> Where are you when he digs the windowsills or
> walls?
> If you know he's likely to do it (because he's done it before) you should
> be
> with him.
>
> ***For the most part he'll stop
> when redirected, or told
> why it's not ok. ***
>
> But he does it
> again? After you told him why it's not ok?
> He needs you with him
> more, then.
>
> ***he will hit or throw things at his sister when she doesn't want to play
> with
> him. He won't be dissuaded by our
> attempts to get him focused on something
> else, playing with dh or me, helping us with something***
>
> It seems like he needs more direct
> attention from you so that he's not left
> to dig walls or depend on
> his sister to be his play mate.
>
> Busy moms sometimes forget how
> much four year olds still need attention.
> They can seem so mature
> about so many things - able to get snacks and
> drinks, able to work
> the TV and DVR and computer. But they really need mom
> attention.
> If you are doing housework or on the computer while he's doing
> his
> own thing, he's on his own too much. Play with him a lot while his
> sister is in school. Get out and do things together, even if that's just
> digging a big hole in the garden. Be right with him, be his companion.
> Helping him find appropriate things to bang up and destroy is fine but it
> has to come with the attention and companionship he's craving or it won't
> be
> enough.
>
> If being destructive is his outlet for feelings of frustration or
> loneliness
> you can change that. If he has
> opportunity to destroy appropriate things
> but still feels frustrated or lonely, he might find other, possibly more
> destructive outlets. Don't expect the act of destruction to fulfill him.
> *You* are the
> only thing that can fulfill him. Your time, your attention.
>
> You've said he's not polite, he's destructive and he's hurting his sister,
> you should be with him all the time. If that means leaving housework until
> your partner gets home, or waiting to get on the computer until
> he's asleep,
> then that's what it means right now. He's growing and
> changing and won't be
> four forever.
>
> Deb Lewis
>
> ------------
>
> So, that's what I'd say, spend more time with your 6 year old son. Don't
> expect your 8 year old to be his playmate. Be present a lot, a lot more.
>
> Schuyler
>
>
>
>
> ________________________________
> From: joanne.lopers <wilmalv@...>
> To: [email protected]
> Sent: Saturday, 27 March, 2010 6:28:15
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Son's Explosive Anger
>
> This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few
> months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other
> family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is
> usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has
> gotten out of control. I try and always listen to their play to catch
> things before they reach that level but we have a big yard and it can be
> difficult to always be there. I have talked to the older brother about not
> pushing to the point where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code
> word they could use to try and avoid those situations. That worked for a
> while but I feel like I am not getting to the root of what is happening for
> the middle son. I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about
> other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most
> satifying one to him. I am concerned that he will hurt someone as he
> will through rocks and heavy objects. He really hates it when I suggest
> to breath, maybe I don't do it in the right way? This is not really typical
> of our family though my husband is quicker to anger than I. Hoping for some
> wisdom to help us past this to a better way of being from some more
> experienced mothers.
> Joanne
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanna
I'm wondering if the anger explosions are an escalation of his behavior when angry or a continuation. I'm wondering because 6 is a big time for boys going through a big testosterone surge, and he may be having bigger reactions than he did before. We went through that with my son, and I felt like someone else was inhabiting his body for that year. At the time it was scary, so I started researching--that answer fit what was happening. That's not all to say that you still don't up your parenting skills to help the situation, but knowing the cause helped me figure out what direction to go in.
When my youngest was physically expressive toward her older brother (like my euphemism? <g>), I figured out that she was feeling the power imbalance between them and making up for it the only way she knew how. He would play the mental superiority card, and she would get physical. Oh boy--when she figured out that licking him sent him over the edge, that was heaven for her! So I helped him to see why she was doing these things--he really didn't know. And then she got older, and stuff just got better between them. It's still the biggest source of their fights, though, when they fight--he has plowed over the top of her in some way that is sometimes unconscious to him, and she fights back in a more explosive, obvious way.
I don't have three, but I always hear about the middle child feeling a lack of power--so maybe if you can look at it that way, through his eyes, things might become more clear.
Joanna
When my youngest was physically expressive toward her older brother (like my euphemism? <g>), I figured out that she was feeling the power imbalance between them and making up for it the only way she knew how. He would play the mental superiority card, and she would get physical. Oh boy--when she figured out that licking him sent him over the edge, that was heaven for her! So I helped him to see why she was doing these things--he really didn't know. And then she got older, and stuff just got better between them. It's still the biggest source of their fights, though, when they fight--he has plowed over the top of her in some way that is sometimes unconscious to him, and she fights back in a more explosive, obvious way.
I don't have three, but I always hear about the middle child feeling a lack of power--so maybe if you can look at it that way, through his eyes, things might become more clear.
Joanna
--- In [email protected], "joanne.lopers" <wilmalv@...> wrote:
>
> This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control. I try and always listen to their play to catch things before they reach that level but we have a big yard and it can be difficult to always be there. I have talked to the older brother about not pushing to the point where his younger brother explodes and I tried a code word they could use to try and avoid those situations. That worked for a while but I feel like I am not getting to the root of what is happening for the middle son. I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him. I am concerned that he will hurt someone as he will through rocks and heavy objects. He really hates it when I suggest to breath, maybe I don't do it in the right way? This is not really typical of our family though my husband is quicker to anger than I. Hoping for some wisdom to help us past this to a better way of being from some more experienced mothers.
> Joanne
>
Joanna
--- In [email protected], kim green <gardenerkim@...> wrote:
After that all got sorted out, sometimes she'll come bouncing back out of her room after a few minutes alone, totally ready to resume play--anger gone.
Joanna
>That's really great! My daugther, at 8, figured out that she needed to leave the situation for a few minutes, and then she could come back and deal with stuff. But she needs a few minutes, up to 15 or 20 sometimes, in order to let her system settle back down enough to talk. I remember Sandra talking about that here--that people have different chemistry around anger, and that some people take longer than others. That way of looking at it was VERY helpful around my house, because my son--and my daughter's best friend--are more ready to talk right away, and needed to understand that not everyone is.
> hello, I am a new as well. My son 8yr old has had hard time dealing with
> anger. We tried many things with him. What seemed to help the most was we
> got a bunch of books on the subject of anger and i left them on the coffee
> table.He loves to read. Eventually he saw them and read them. It worked so
> much better for him to read ways to deal with his anger than me as his
> parent telling him ways to deal with it. He actually tried several ways on
> his own. He discovered that leaving the situation, going to his bed and
> reading helped him calm down. That is what worked for us. It is really hard
> dealing with the anger outbursts. I hope you find your way soon.
>
> --
After that all got sorted out, sometimes she'll come bouncing back out of her room after a few minutes alone, totally ready to resume play--anger gone.
Joanna
Joanna
> What other things might a family put on a list as a reminder thatMy son is a talker, but we've found over the years that the times when he's angry, and feeling the most compelled to talk, are the times that he SHOULDN'T talk to the person he's angry with. He can talk to me until he's ready, calmer inside.
> there are options?
He watched that play out with another teenage boy who didn't take the time to calm down. His mother was angry too, and it was a disaster, and they came out looking foolish to everyone else around--that was HUGE for my son, and when things really turned around for him.
Joanna
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/27/2010 5:57 AM, lalow66 wrote:
think parents really often have expectations that their kids will spend
lots and lots of time together, getting along perfectly. But most of US
wouldn't want to spend THAT much time with just one or two other people,
either. Day after day, hour after hour. It is a lot - even if we love
the other person. And kids will go through stages where they really
don't click that well or when one of the kids is really annoying the
others.
If you see this as all very normal and natural, it will make it easier
to accept and to help and support the kids. For kids who mostly like
each other and like to do a lot of stuff together, just separating them
a bit can make a HUGE difference. For kids who are being annoyed and
irritated by one of the others, separating them can give them the
greatly-needed break so that they have more self-control when they are
together.
-pam
> I am trying to look at what both kids are trying to communicate withSometimes people try to look so deep they ignore the obvious. I really
> their behaviors and not just focus on the behavior.
think parents really often have expectations that their kids will spend
lots and lots of time together, getting along perfectly. But most of US
wouldn't want to spend THAT much time with just one or two other people,
either. Day after day, hour after hour. It is a lot - even if we love
the other person. And kids will go through stages where they really
don't click that well or when one of the kids is really annoying the
others.
If you see this as all very normal and natural, it will make it easier
to accept and to help and support the kids. For kids who mostly like
each other and like to do a lot of stuff together, just separating them
a bit can make a HUGE difference. For kids who are being annoyed and
irritated by one of the others, separating them can give them the
greatly-needed break so that they have more self-control when they are
together.
-pam
John and Amanda Slater
________________________________
From: joanne.lopers <wilmalv@...>
This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control.
*****
So if you know how it starts, think more about how to stop it. What starts the teasing? Different ability levels, hunger, boredom? Try to stop it before this stage. My ds Eli can be explosive. I read The Explosive Child http://http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269742918&sr=8-1. One of the best ideas in the book for me was the idea that anger often stems from a few situations. In our house it is losing things (especially the remote), things not working the way they should, and rough play(once it starts he has a lot of trouble stopping). When the situations are predictable, it is much easier to head off blow ups. Watch for a few days and see if there is a discerniblepattern. I was able to predict and problem solve much easier once I knew where most of the anger was coming from.
******
I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him.
*****
Revenge is exactly what Eli looks for when he gets mad at his brother. So I made the "Get Sam" game. When Eli gets mad at Sam (younger ds) I take him with me to the bedroom. Eli stands on one end of the room and I sit on the end of the bed. We pretend the wall behind me is Sam. Eli's objective to get past me and tag the wall. That counts as hitting Sam. I have to try and stop him. Amazingly this works for him. He feels like he hit Sam, it is not nearly as hard on me as trying to physically restrain Eli, and Sam does not have to be any part of it. In the past we have tried separation, talking, breathing, spinning on a hanging ladder, and hitting a pillow. The game is the only thing that really seemed to work for him. I think he gets out some physical aggression, gets some time with me, takes a break from the situation, and at the same time can be mad for a bit.
Amanda
Eli 9, Samuel 7
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
From: joanne.lopers <wilmalv@...>
This is my first post after having been a reader only for the last few months. I have a middle son 6yrs. who will often through objects at other family members, especially his older brother 8yrs., when he gets mad. It is usually a result of some form of teasing, name calling or wildness that has gotten out of control.
*****
So if you know how it starts, think more about how to stop it. What starts the teasing? Different ability levels, hunger, boredom? Try to stop it before this stage. My ds Eli can be explosive. I read The Explosive Child http://http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269742918&sr=8-1. One of the best ideas in the book for me was the idea that anger often stems from a few situations. In our house it is losing things (especially the remote), things not working the way they should, and rough play(once it starts he has a lot of trouble stopping). When the situations are predictable, it is much easier to head off blow ups. Watch for a few days and see if there is a discerniblepattern. I was able to predict and problem solve much easier once I knew where most of the anger was coming from.
******
I try and validate his angry feelings and talk to him about other options but I think when he gets fired up he sees revenge as the most satifying one to him.
*****
Revenge is exactly what Eli looks for when he gets mad at his brother. So I made the "Get Sam" game. When Eli gets mad at Sam (younger ds) I take him with me to the bedroom. Eli stands on one end of the room and I sit on the end of the bed. We pretend the wall behind me is Sam. Eli's objective to get past me and tag the wall. That counts as hitting Sam. I have to try and stop him. Amazingly this works for him. He feels like he hit Sam, it is not nearly as hard on me as trying to physically restrain Eli, and Sam does not have to be any part of it. In the past we have tried separation, talking, breathing, spinning on a hanging ladder, and hitting a pillow. The game is the only thing that really seemed to work for him. I think he gets out some physical aggression, gets some time with me, takes a break from the situation, and at the same time can be mad for a bit.
Amanda
Eli 9, Samuel 7
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sorschasmom
~~~What other things might a family put on a list as a reminder that there
are options? Even a child who can't read might be helped by a list of
possible responses to fury, if the parents or someone could help him
remember there were choices.~~
If it is night-time, Sorscha goes outside and jumps on the trampoline. If
it's early enough in the evening, she'll howl. She says there is something
about the night air that centers her and releases her anger.
If it is daytime, she will also go outside, jump on the trampoline and howl.
Lately, she's been turning on her Japanese music and acting out her
emotions.
If we are not at home, she likes to go sit in our Bubble Van and read or
play her DS.
She has found that she needs to be alone when she is angry. This is a huge
step because she used to lash out at me or others (she just couldn't seem to
stop herself ) and would feel horrible afterwards. It's taken me a very
long time to help her navigate these moments and there are still times when
I just can't get her out of a situation soon enough. But we're working
together, step by step, breath by breath, jump by jump, howl by howl and
life is getting easier because of our bond, trust, and patience with one
another.
~Crystal in New Mexico~
are options? Even a child who can't read might be helped by a list of
possible responses to fury, if the parents or someone could help him
remember there were choices.~~
If it is night-time, Sorscha goes outside and jumps on the trampoline. If
it's early enough in the evening, she'll howl. She says there is something
about the night air that centers her and releases her anger.
If it is daytime, she will also go outside, jump on the trampoline and howl.
Lately, she's been turning on her Japanese music and acting out her
emotions.
If we are not at home, she likes to go sit in our Bubble Van and read or
play her DS.
She has found that she needs to be alone when she is angry. This is a huge
step because she used to lash out at me or others (she just couldn't seem to
stop herself ) and would feel horrible afterwards. It's taken me a very
long time to help her navigate these moments and there are still times when
I just can't get her out of a situation soon enough. But we're working
together, step by step, breath by breath, jump by jump, howl by howl and
life is getting easier because of our bond, trust, and patience with one
another.
~Crystal in New Mexico~