Back Memories
amyparkington
My brother's funeral brought back memories to me.
My brother was good at mental math. I secretly thought that he was some kind of genius. I also thought that there was something wrong with my brain. Because of my dad's reaction when I couldn't give him the right answer. My siblings tried to help me with math but I just couldn't get it. I though that there must be something wrong with me because they were trying to help me to learn. It was like if I was a handicap. Eventually I learned math on my own. Any math I do I have to write it on a piece of paper because I get so nervous. Like if people were judging me. I became extremely shy.
When I was 5 years old I learned to read by myself. I was able to read the newspaper and chapter books. I was a happy kid!!!
Then school came. The first day of classes I concluded that going to school was a waste of time. I hated school and got depressed and nervous. I tried to escape from the school many times but my parents forced me to go back to school. I felt lonely in the classroom because I couldn't relate to the other kids.
My family thought that there was something wrong with me because I wasn't happy in school. Because of the stress I couldn't read anymore. My hair was thinning and got athmas attacks.
When I was 8 years old my mom would read me stories in the afternoon. I would point to the words in the book while she was reading them. That's how I learned to read again!!!!
Because of curiosity I started reading my sister's university books. I thought they were more interesting than my third grade books. People adviced my dad not to let me read university books. Because I was suppossed to be learning what kids my age were learning. I was told to read kids books.
Again I felt that there was something wrong with me.
After I graduated from the University I worked in a public school. It was like taking me back to the past. I kept asking myself, "what are you doing here?" I had to quit my job.
I had my kid in a private day care and then in private Montessori school. People were so impressed with her. But she was not happy. Every morning it was a fight to get her to go to school. She asked me many times to be her teacher.
Now I am homeschooling my kid. I have been making the same mistakes that my parents made with me.
My daughter seems to have a lack of confidence when she plays with her cousins. The other day my mother-in-law told me that if I send my kid to school she will gain confidence. We got into an argument and she was yelling at me, "take her away from you and she will gain confidence." It hurts. And it put more doubts in my mind.
How can she learn to be confident if my husband and I do not have good self-esteem?
I am ashamed about my past and about who I am. But I need to stop running from my past and face it.
Amy
My brother was good at mental math. I secretly thought that he was some kind of genius. I also thought that there was something wrong with my brain. Because of my dad's reaction when I couldn't give him the right answer. My siblings tried to help me with math but I just couldn't get it. I though that there must be something wrong with me because they were trying to help me to learn. It was like if I was a handicap. Eventually I learned math on my own. Any math I do I have to write it on a piece of paper because I get so nervous. Like if people were judging me. I became extremely shy.
When I was 5 years old I learned to read by myself. I was able to read the newspaper and chapter books. I was a happy kid!!!
Then school came. The first day of classes I concluded that going to school was a waste of time. I hated school and got depressed and nervous. I tried to escape from the school many times but my parents forced me to go back to school. I felt lonely in the classroom because I couldn't relate to the other kids.
My family thought that there was something wrong with me because I wasn't happy in school. Because of the stress I couldn't read anymore. My hair was thinning and got athmas attacks.
When I was 8 years old my mom would read me stories in the afternoon. I would point to the words in the book while she was reading them. That's how I learned to read again!!!!
Because of curiosity I started reading my sister's university books. I thought they were more interesting than my third grade books. People adviced my dad not to let me read university books. Because I was suppossed to be learning what kids my age were learning. I was told to read kids books.
Again I felt that there was something wrong with me.
After I graduated from the University I worked in a public school. It was like taking me back to the past. I kept asking myself, "what are you doing here?" I had to quit my job.
I had my kid in a private day care and then in private Montessori school. People were so impressed with her. But she was not happy. Every morning it was a fight to get her to go to school. She asked me many times to be her teacher.
Now I am homeschooling my kid. I have been making the same mistakes that my parents made with me.
My daughter seems to have a lack of confidence when she plays with her cousins. The other day my mother-in-law told me that if I send my kid to school she will gain confidence. We got into an argument and she was yelling at me, "take her away from you and she will gain confidence." It hurts. And it put more doubts in my mind.
How can she learn to be confident if my husband and I do not have good self-esteem?
I am ashamed about my past and about who I am. But I need to stop running from my past and face it.
Amy
Jenny Cyphers
***My daughter seems to have a lack of confidence when she plays with her cousins. The other day my mother-in-law told me that if I send my kid to school she will gain confidence. We got into an argument and she was yelling at me, "take her away from you and she will gain confidence." It hurts. And it put more doubts in my mind. ***
Didn't you already try school? It seems, instead of arguing about it, you could say, "we tried that, it wasn't working."
Some kids are way more hesitant to try new things. I'm not sure if it has to do with confidence though. It might be more about the way she figures things out, that she needs to be sure about it before she moves forward. She may be experiencing thoughtfulness and caution rather than lack of confidence. For kids like that, being around others who jump in without thinking it all through first might be part of the process. If you can watch another try it out you are, in a way, learning what NOT to do. When she does finally jump in, she'll probably do it just the way she wants to without hesitation.
If you have doubts, go directly to your daughter. Is she doubtful about staying home? Does she want to go to school and get away from you? If she doesn't, THAT is what you need to use as your compass. Being in unsure territory doesn't make someone more confident. Confidence comes with time and accomplishment. Give her time and help her do the things she wants to do until she gets to a place where she can do them on her own.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Didn't you already try school? It seems, instead of arguing about it, you could say, "we tried that, it wasn't working."
Some kids are way more hesitant to try new things. I'm not sure if it has to do with confidence though. It might be more about the way she figures things out, that she needs to be sure about it before she moves forward. She may be experiencing thoughtfulness and caution rather than lack of confidence. For kids like that, being around others who jump in without thinking it all through first might be part of the process. If you can watch another try it out you are, in a way, learning what NOT to do. When she does finally jump in, she'll probably do it just the way she wants to without hesitation.
If you have doubts, go directly to your daughter. Is she doubtful about staying home? Does she want to go to school and get away from you? If she doesn't, THAT is what you need to use as your compass. Being in unsure territory doesn't make someone more confident. Confidence comes with time and accomplishment. Give her time and help her do the things she wants to do until she gets to a place where she can do them on her own.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
amyparkington
--- In [email protected], Jenny Cyphers <jenstarc4@...>
wrote:
you?
She says that she would like to ride on the bus with the neighborhs.
Because it looks like fun.
My fears start when my in-laws ask her addition and substraction
questions and she doesn't know the answer. Or when they ask her to read.
wrote:
>about staying home? Does she want to go to school and get away from
> *** If you have doubts, go directly to your daughter. Is she doubtful
you?
>sleeping by herself. I read to her until she falls asleep.
>
>
> She is very clingy and won't stay alone in any room. She is afraid of
She says that she would like to ride on the bus with the neighborhs.
Because it looks like fun.
My fears start when my in-laws ask her addition and substraction
questions and she doesn't know the answer. Or when they ask her to read.
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
Cary
>Do you have low self-esteem just hanging out with your child, having fun, sharing joy, and exploring the world? Or only when you are speaking with your mother-in-law?
> ********How can she learn to be confident if my husband and I do not have good self-esteem?********
>
I am only 2 years into unschooling with a 6,4,and 2 year old. I'm kind of a doubter naturally (about myself, not about unschooling). I guess you could call it "a lack of confidence". Honestly, it shows up about once a month. But, I'm also quite bubbly and really excited, especially about how awesome my kids are! Soooo, I read, read, read and get more positive by reading this list. I get ideas here and understanding and a little more confidence every day. I'm not perfect...yet!
But here's the thing....as a rookie....I stay far away from conversations with people who don't like (read:understand) unschooling. I've stopped going there. Especially with In-Laws. And when my backbone gives way...I read here again, go play my piano, run up my stairs 20 times, take a deep breath, and then look at my kids who are always exactly where they want to be--at home in their own skin.
Warmly,
Cary
Sandra Dodd
-=-How can she learn to be confident if my husband and I do not have
good self-esteem?
-=-I am ashamed about my past and about who I am. But I need to stop
running from my past and face it. -=-
I have an idea. Put your past on the back burner, or in the
refrigerator for a while.
Live in the moment with your family. Do sweet things for your
daughter and your husband. Smile about three times as much as you did
yesterday. Do twenty things a day that make you feel like a good
mom. Maybe thirty things. And smile.
Find confidence and self esteem from being very present and inspiring
to your family.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
good self-esteem?
-=-I am ashamed about my past and about who I am. But I need to stop
running from my past and face it. -=-
I have an idea. Put your past on the back burner, or in the
refrigerator for a while.
Live in the moment with your family. Do sweet things for your
daughter and your husband. Smile about three times as much as you did
yesterday. Do twenty things a day that make you feel like a good
mom. Maybe thirty things. And smile.
Find confidence and self esteem from being very present and inspiring
to your family.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
amyparkington
--- In [email protected], "Cary" <cary.seston@...> wrote:
>In family reunions the kids show off about what they are learning in school. My in-laws get condescending toward us. I get mad and depressed.
> >
> >
>****Do you have low self-esteem just hanging out with your child, having fun, sharing joy, and exploring the world? Or only when you are speaking with your mother-in-law?****
>
> It's like once every two months my in-laws tell my husband that they are concerned about our child. Every time is something different... e.g. they believe that she is not socializing enough because she doesn't see the same kids everyday.
Su Penn
On Mar 14, 2010, at 12:51 AM, amyparkington wrote:
Really, one reason we don't send our kids to school is so they are not compelled to spend time with people who will systematically undermine their self-esteem. We can do the same for ourselves, if we choose to.
Su, mom to Eric 8; Carl, almost 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
>> It's like once every two months my in-laws tell my husband that they are concerned about our child. Every time is something different... e.g. they believe that she is not socializing enough because she doesn't see the same kids everyday.Would you be happier if you didn't go? I didn't see my family for several years in my 20s because of this kind of thing. Then as I got older, I was more confident (I'd been taking care of myself for awhile by then, and was well-liked and respected by lots of people, and not having nay-sayers in m life had really helped) and was able to see them some, but not a lot, and with some boundaries drawn. Now I'm 44, and my parents and I get along well, and it's OK with me--well, not exactly OK, but something I can live with--that they don't quite "get" me in a lot of ways.
>
> In family reunions the kids show off about what they are learning in school. My in-laws get condescending toward us. I get mad and depressed.
Really, one reason we don't send our kids to school is so they are not compelled to spend time with people who will systematically undermine their self-esteem. We can do the same for ourselves, if we choose to.
Su, mom to Eric 8; Carl, almost 6; Yehva, 2.5
tapeflags.blogspot.com
shirlinda_momof3
My own homeschooled childhood was also not so great. And I have spent years trying to figure out how to raise my kids the 'right' way. But I know that there is no right or wrong way to facilitate our children's learning. My husband and I are raising our kids in a loving home without the physical and emotional abuse of my childhood.
Our kids are confident, out-going and loving. They each have their own strengths and weaknesses. We accept this and live our lives without fear that they will "not know enough" as they get older.
We also have problems with some family members who are not accepting of our unschooling methods. But we just smile and continue living our own lives. Our kids know they are learning and they are happy unschooling. And that makes me and my husband happy, too.
I was very excited yesterday when my husband was talking to a friend about our unschooling. He said it surprises him how much our kids know without school!! We have always unschooled, but this was honestly the first time he had ever acknowledged that the kids were learning! My oldest 10 yodd can't do math in her head, but my 7 yo ds can. And our youngest 6 yo dd doesn't want to read yet; even though she could if she wanted to. But they can play together and alone for hours; make toys from just sticks and rocks and have very active imaginations.
We celebrate all their learning. Following directions and building with Legos; performing surgery on stuffed animals; and dividing candy into thirds so they can all share. They can learn without school!
Have confidence in the fact that you love your daughter and are doing what you think is best for her. Raising her with love is the best teaching you can give.
Our kids are confident, out-going and loving. They each have their own strengths and weaknesses. We accept this and live our lives without fear that they will "not know enough" as they get older.
We also have problems with some family members who are not accepting of our unschooling methods. But we just smile and continue living our own lives. Our kids know they are learning and they are happy unschooling. And that makes me and my husband happy, too.
I was very excited yesterday when my husband was talking to a friend about our unschooling. He said it surprises him how much our kids know without school!! We have always unschooled, but this was honestly the first time he had ever acknowledged that the kids were learning! My oldest 10 yodd can't do math in her head, but my 7 yo ds can. And our youngest 6 yo dd doesn't want to read yet; even though she could if she wanted to. But they can play together and alone for hours; make toys from just sticks and rocks and have very active imaginations.
We celebrate all their learning. Following directions and building with Legos; performing surgery on stuffed animals; and dividing candy into thirds so they can all share. They can learn without school!
Have confidence in the fact that you love your daughter and are doing what you think is best for her. Raising her with love is the best teaching you can give.
Sandra Dodd
-=-My fears start when my in-laws ask her addition and substraction
questions and she doesn't know the answer. Or when they ask her to read.
Have you asked them not to quiz her? Have you told her it would be as
rude as quizzing another adult about geography or history?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
questions and she doesn't know the answer. Or when they ask her to read.
>-=-Holly and Marty used to have counter-questions at hand.
Have you asked them not to quiz her? Have you told her it would be as
rude as quizzing another adult about geography or history?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
Amy - how old is your little girl?
My suggestion is to honor ALL her needs for being clingy. Don't think of
them as something you need to eliminate or make stop - think of them as
something you need to satisfy. Give her even more of what she needs.
Think of it as if she has a big bucket inside her that needs to be
filled with attachment and love and support. Until that bucket is full,
she is focused on filling it, and can't venture out to be more confident
and brave in the world.
Think about why you lack confidence, yourself, and what would have
filled your bucket, when you were a child.
-pam
My suggestion is to honor ALL her needs for being clingy. Don't think of
them as something you need to eliminate or make stop - think of them as
something you need to satisfy. Give her even more of what she needs.
Think of it as if she has a big bucket inside her that needs to be
filled with attachment and love and support. Until that bucket is full,
she is focused on filling it, and can't venture out to be more confident
and brave in the world.
Think about why you lack confidence, yourself, and what would have
filled your bucket, when you were a child.
-pam
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/13/2010 9:51 PM, amyparkington wrote:
relatives. Take some photos of all of you at a museum or park or the
beach or something. Make recordings of them singing songs. My friend's
son once made a video of himself playing nintendo - a game that he'd
really mastered and he set up the videocamera to record him doing it. He
played it for me, I'm sure he played it for his grandparents, too. If
your kids are dressing up dolls or building with Lego or whatever they
are doing - take photos and put them into albums to take to family
get-togethers.
If my in-laws were condescending toward us, I would probably not have
noticed because I was so busy thinking my own kids were so cool. If I
DID notice, I'd feel bad for my in-laws who were so lame as to be
impressed by school stuff that those school kids didn't even have a
choice over, and not impressed by what my kids were doing and what they
were like under their own volition. Poor inlaws, I'd think, they don't
know what they're missing.
Also- if you can't be okay with your kids seeming to be "behind," then
unschooling is going to be harder for you. Your kids are not going to
learn what school kids are learning because your kids are going to be
learning at their own speed, in their own time, and what is important to
them. If you are going to allow other people to make you feel bad about
that, then you'd better school the kids. But if you really understand
the value of unschooling (not schooling) then turn your eyes toward your
own real kids and see what's great about them. Refuse to allow ignorant
convention-bound in-laws to direct your vision elsewhere.
I think I came on strong enough with overwhelming pride in my kids as
they were so that my doubting relatives simply kept their mouths shut.
And, with the kids now all grown, it is clear that my kids are great -
all relative's past doubts are clearly silly now.
For your kids' sakes, don't act like you think the relatives'
condescension has any merit. Brush it off, ignore it. If the kids
notice, say, "Yeah, poor auntie, she has some pretty lame ideas. We love
her anyway."
-pam
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> In family reunions the kids show off about what they are learning inPlan ahead. Your kids can make up a little skit and do that for the
> school. My in-laws get condescending toward us. I get mad and depressed.
relatives. Take some photos of all of you at a museum or park or the
beach or something. Make recordings of them singing songs. My friend's
son once made a video of himself playing nintendo - a game that he'd
really mastered and he set up the videocamera to record him doing it. He
played it for me, I'm sure he played it for his grandparents, too. If
your kids are dressing up dolls or building with Lego or whatever they
are doing - take photos and put them into albums to take to family
get-togethers.
If my in-laws were condescending toward us, I would probably not have
noticed because I was so busy thinking my own kids were so cool. If I
DID notice, I'd feel bad for my in-laws who were so lame as to be
impressed by school stuff that those school kids didn't even have a
choice over, and not impressed by what my kids were doing and what they
were like under their own volition. Poor inlaws, I'd think, they don't
know what they're missing.
Also- if you can't be okay with your kids seeming to be "behind," then
unschooling is going to be harder for you. Your kids are not going to
learn what school kids are learning because your kids are going to be
learning at their own speed, in their own time, and what is important to
them. If you are going to allow other people to make you feel bad about
that, then you'd better school the kids. But if you really understand
the value of unschooling (not schooling) then turn your eyes toward your
own real kids and see what's great about them. Refuse to allow ignorant
convention-bound in-laws to direct your vision elsewhere.
I think I came on strong enough with overwhelming pride in my kids as
they were so that my doubting relatives simply kept their mouths shut.
And, with the kids now all grown, it is clear that my kids are great -
all relative's past doubts are clearly silly now.
For your kids' sakes, don't act like you think the relatives'
condescension has any merit. Brush it off, ignore it. If the kids
notice, say, "Yeah, poor auntie, she has some pretty lame ideas. We love
her anyway."
-pam
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]