Partner and lack of understanding/support
Kathryn
Hello all --
I write in the hope of getting some help with something that I Know is a common scenario with many unschooling families; lack of support/understanding from my partner (in this case, the Dad). To give a little background info, Paul has always handed me the reins when it comes to parenting decisions. Decisions pertaining to health/vaccination, birthing choices, etc. Essentially, I actively and willingly undertake the research, and he advises me that he 100% trusts and supports my decisions. I would prefer that he read books/articles, that I believe he will benefit from, so we can actively discuss them, but he just isn't that kind of guy, and as such, readings will sit collecting dust! Strewing is of no use . . . It's kinda a mantra for him: "Whatever you think is best, I'll support you in your decision." His attitude reflects his lack of involvement. It's his way of not having to take too much (in fact, pretty much zilch!) on board, and over the last 8 years of parenting together, it has proven to work for us - although not my ideal. I think he sees his fathering role in the traditional sense of 'bread winner'. That's it. The ocasssional kick of the ball, maybe, but pretty much the guy who sits of the coach yelling at them to 'be quiet', 'don't fight', 'do this' 'don't do that' kind of father that would prefer that we all cater to his needs for quiet/down time when not at work. Is unschooling possible in such an environment? I'm almost scared to ask . . .
Anyway, all this is not my ideal 'happy family' but I suppose we have plodded along without his active involvement for such a long time, we are OK with it. And we ensure our own fun/happiness. Until just a couple of days ago Paul splurted out his fears of the kids' inability to read/write at a standard he feels suitable. Mia (8) has basic letter recognition, and can string a few words together here and there, and that's about it. I have No Concern here what so ever. Paul does. He thinks we should hire a tutor, or the like. Jude (5) is keen to join Scouts (although cannot till he is 6) and Paul stated, "I don't want him to be embarassed when he cannot read/write his own name, or be subject to ridicule from the other kids." I said this is his fear, and if our kids do pick up on other kids' chuckles/critisisms, I would think this may be used as a motivator, considering their sense of Self is still intact! The details are not important. Paul's fears of the kids not being able to read/write at an 'acceptable' level and subsequent ridicule are the issue here. He has pretty much insisted that if Mia cannot read/write by the time she is 9, there's something 'wrong.' He made the statement that I really never thought I would hear in my family, "I'm not seeing it." Other issues arose such as the kids' food intake. His reaction to all that he is seeing in his home is very conventional. I suppose he just isn't looking at his family life through true unschooling eyes, and this is Real Hard for me and the kids. I envy those of you who have partners that 'get it'! In response to all this, I feel this sense of urgency that I must 'teach' Mia to read. I'm hoping for some reading/writing activites that may stimulate her 'learning juices', just to appease her father's desires! Scrabble, Boggle, card games, just don't appeal to her. Neither does 'Reading Eggs' (Australian on-line reading/writing aid). She Knows all these games have an 'educational' approach -- that turns her right off! BUT, she has also asked me on a few ocassions that she is waiting for me to teach her how to read/write! External pressure coming into play here . . .
I'm asking for help on may levels here -- feel free to throw whatever you've got my way!
Love Kathryn D
x
I write in the hope of getting some help with something that I Know is a common scenario with many unschooling families; lack of support/understanding from my partner (in this case, the Dad). To give a little background info, Paul has always handed me the reins when it comes to parenting decisions. Decisions pertaining to health/vaccination, birthing choices, etc. Essentially, I actively and willingly undertake the research, and he advises me that he 100% trusts and supports my decisions. I would prefer that he read books/articles, that I believe he will benefit from, so we can actively discuss them, but he just isn't that kind of guy, and as such, readings will sit collecting dust! Strewing is of no use . . . It's kinda a mantra for him: "Whatever you think is best, I'll support you in your decision." His attitude reflects his lack of involvement. It's his way of not having to take too much (in fact, pretty much zilch!) on board, and over the last 8 years of parenting together, it has proven to work for us - although not my ideal. I think he sees his fathering role in the traditional sense of 'bread winner'. That's it. The ocasssional kick of the ball, maybe, but pretty much the guy who sits of the coach yelling at them to 'be quiet', 'don't fight', 'do this' 'don't do that' kind of father that would prefer that we all cater to his needs for quiet/down time when not at work. Is unschooling possible in such an environment? I'm almost scared to ask . . .
Anyway, all this is not my ideal 'happy family' but I suppose we have plodded along without his active involvement for such a long time, we are OK with it. And we ensure our own fun/happiness. Until just a couple of days ago Paul splurted out his fears of the kids' inability to read/write at a standard he feels suitable. Mia (8) has basic letter recognition, and can string a few words together here and there, and that's about it. I have No Concern here what so ever. Paul does. He thinks we should hire a tutor, or the like. Jude (5) is keen to join Scouts (although cannot till he is 6) and Paul stated, "I don't want him to be embarassed when he cannot read/write his own name, or be subject to ridicule from the other kids." I said this is his fear, and if our kids do pick up on other kids' chuckles/critisisms, I would think this may be used as a motivator, considering their sense of Self is still intact! The details are not important. Paul's fears of the kids not being able to read/write at an 'acceptable' level and subsequent ridicule are the issue here. He has pretty much insisted that if Mia cannot read/write by the time she is 9, there's something 'wrong.' He made the statement that I really never thought I would hear in my family, "I'm not seeing it." Other issues arose such as the kids' food intake. His reaction to all that he is seeing in his home is very conventional. I suppose he just isn't looking at his family life through true unschooling eyes, and this is Real Hard for me and the kids. I envy those of you who have partners that 'get it'! In response to all this, I feel this sense of urgency that I must 'teach' Mia to read. I'm hoping for some reading/writing activites that may stimulate her 'learning juices', just to appease her father's desires! Scrabble, Boggle, card games, just don't appeal to her. Neither does 'Reading Eggs' (Australian on-line reading/writing aid). She Knows all these games have an 'educational' approach -- that turns her right off! BUT, she has also asked me on a few ocassions that she is waiting for me to teach her how to read/write! External pressure coming into play here . . .
I'm asking for help on may levels here -- feel free to throw whatever you've got my way!
Love Kathryn D
x
melissamariemichael
This describes my husband almost EXACTLY. However, our kids are 4 and 19 months. Even though our 4 year old is reading quite well, and our little guy knows dozens of signs and speaks lots of word sounds along with them, he still doubts their ability to learn and questions if they're "smart enough". He seems really attached to the idea that they be "more advanced" and "better" than other kids. I'm worried we're heading to where you are, and my kids aren't even school age yet! Just yesterday he was in a low mood and said that *I* was getting in the way of the children learning because I wanted to homeschool, and that if he were the principal he would give us all "F's" - I was shocked. I told him that was completely unreasonable as they weren't even school age, and packed up the kids and headed to the library where they could play and enjoy being kids. I'm worried about unschooling working if dad is not supportive of the kids. We still have a year and half before our daughter would even START kindergarten. I think some of it is attached to his mood - he doesn't always appear to feel this way and say these sorts of things, but I really don't think that makes it okay. So I'm anxious to hear the responses to this thread.
~Melissa
~Melissa
Sandra Dodd
-=-Strewing is of no use . . . It's kinda a mantra for him: "Whatever
you think is best, I'll support you in your decision."-=-
If he won't read, will he listen to things?
http://sandradodd.com/listen
There will be more things there very soon. They're up, but not linked:
http://sandradodd.com/listen/connections
http://sandradodd.com/listen/transformations
http://sandradodd.com/listen/teenpanel (that one still needs photos
and notes and names)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
you think is best, I'll support you in your decision."-=-
If he won't read, will he listen to things?
http://sandradodd.com/listen
There will be more things there very soon. They're up, but not linked:
http://sandradodd.com/listen/connections
http://sandradodd.com/listen/transformations
http://sandradodd.com/listen/teenpanel (that one still needs photos
and notes and names)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-. I'm worried about unschooling working if dad is not supportive of
the kids-=-
Get him out and around other kids. Playgroup, park days, conferences.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the kids-=-
Get him out and around other kids. Playgroup, park days, conferences.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
It may help a lot to see your husband as honestly concerned about his children's wellbeing and ability to cope in the world. My son, Simon, didn't read until he was 12. If either David or I had not been fully invested in unschooling, it would have been harder to relax about it. There is a piece by Carol Rice- McClure (http://sandradodd.com/r/carol) called I Can Breathe Again--My Children Learned to Read. One paragraph in the essay is: "Instead I leaned heavily on the words of John Holt. He said that many
kids, especially boys, when left to their own learning pace, would not
read until eleven to fifteen years of age. This idea was hard for me to
believe before this, but now I embraced it. But even then, I still
didn't believe that anyone who couldn't read by the age of fifteen was
of normal intelligence." It takes a lot to walk that walk. You have to really believe that learning happens without school. And that learning within school is often as much about timing and exposure and aptitude as it is about anything that the school is applying to the child.
He wants his children to be safe and capable and successful. And reading is part of how he sees that happening. Maybe it will help if he sees more of what is going on. Maybe he'll focus less on what he thinks isn't going on. And maybe, just maybe, the more he sees going on the more he'll get to a place where he can see learning and life as going hand in hand and less as something that needs to be handed down if it isn't achieved by a milestone age. Get a blog, a private blog, and put pictures and videos and stories and scanned drawings and things that you do every day and send it to Paul. Send him an e-mail note every time you add an entry. If the kids have a favorite youtube video that they are watching, put that there. If they are playing a pc game, link that, and write about how much learning went on while they were doing it. Not in a dry way, in an excited way, talk about the map reading, or about the amazing skill that they rotated the blocks for
tetrisesque game, the spatial learning. Talk up the things you see every day, make it as big for him, as obvious for him, as it is for you. And you don't need to talk about it, just put it in front of him, just offer it as a gift.
Schuyler
________________________________
I'm asking for help on may levels here -- feel free to throw whatever you've got my way!
Love Kathryn D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kids, especially boys, when left to their own learning pace, would not
read until eleven to fifteen years of age. This idea was hard for me to
believe before this, but now I embraced it. But even then, I still
didn't believe that anyone who couldn't read by the age of fifteen was
of normal intelligence." It takes a lot to walk that walk. You have to really believe that learning happens without school. And that learning within school is often as much about timing and exposure and aptitude as it is about anything that the school is applying to the child.
He wants his children to be safe and capable and successful. And reading is part of how he sees that happening. Maybe it will help if he sees more of what is going on. Maybe he'll focus less on what he thinks isn't going on. And maybe, just maybe, the more he sees going on the more he'll get to a place where he can see learning and life as going hand in hand and less as something that needs to be handed down if it isn't achieved by a milestone age. Get a blog, a private blog, and put pictures and videos and stories and scanned drawings and things that you do every day and send it to Paul. Send him an e-mail note every time you add an entry. If the kids have a favorite youtube video that they are watching, put that there. If they are playing a pc game, link that, and write about how much learning went on while they were doing it. Not in a dry way, in an excited way, talk about the map reading, or about the amazing skill that they rotated the blocks for
tetrisesque game, the spatial learning. Talk up the things you see every day, make it as big for him, as obvious for him, as it is for you. And you don't need to talk about it, just put it in front of him, just offer it as a gift.
Schuyler
________________________________
I'm asking for help on may levels here -- feel free to throw whatever you've got my way!
Love Kathryn D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heather
Kathryn wrote:
ways, though sometimes something comes up. Recently it was math. I made
an extra effort to both "strew" more math stuff, and to explain to him
what my daughter was already doing that included math - shopping,
sewing, games.
He has liked reading Sandra's book, as the chapters are short, (good for
the toilet) <g> and he likes her straight forward style. And I forward
emails to him often.
A couple times recently he has said things to me about appreciating that
I let him be with where he is - he told me this week that he had told
one of the guys he works with that I was"gifted" in that way. I liked
that- though I don't think it is a gift, but the effort of trying
everyday to let him be, wherever he is with his thoughts about things.
And once when I was telling him how he should think about something- he
stopped, and said, Aren't I an unschooler, too?
I have gotten to know more when to point things out, and what types of
things will be helpful to his understanding, and to give him the same
consideration in his learning process that I give the kids.
Heather in NY
>It has taken time for my husband to "get it". Now he gets it in many
>
> I envy those of you who have partners that 'get it'! In response to
> all this, I feel this sense of urgency that I must 'teach' Mia to read.
>
ways, though sometimes something comes up. Recently it was math. I made
an extra effort to both "strew" more math stuff, and to explain to him
what my daughter was already doing that included math - shopping,
sewing, games.
He has liked reading Sandra's book, as the chapters are short, (good for
the toilet) <g> and he likes her straight forward style. And I forward
emails to him often.
A couple times recently he has said things to me about appreciating that
I let him be with where he is - he told me this week that he had told
one of the guys he works with that I was"gifted" in that way. I liked
that- though I don't think it is a gift, but the effort of trying
everyday to let him be, wherever he is with his thoughts about things.
And once when I was telling him how he should think about something- he
stopped, and said, Aren't I an unschooler, too?
I have gotten to know more when to point things out, and what types of
things will be helpful to his understanding, and to give him the same
consideration in his learning process that I give the kids.
Heather in NY