Feelings of guilt
kaclip
Iâm learning about unschooling, using what I read here and also using what Iâve been reading in books by Naomi Aldort, (Raising our Kidsâ¦), and Alfie Kohn, (Unconditional Parenting) and feel that Iâm moving in the right direction.
And now I feel guilty. Something must be wrong when I am so happy to be with my children all day? I have never, or rarely, felt this way before, I have always been overwhelmed with all the tasks I have at home and with raising children. I must be lazy, Iâm not âdoingâ much (besides spending time with them, sewing and reading next to them, cooking, etc - and thatâs what makes me happy), the twins (8) are often in front of a screen, and the last two days my 10 year old schooled son has been home sick and Iâm so happy to have him home coughing on the sofa.
My husband works a lot, 12+ hour days and more work from home in the evening, and Iâm having *fun* at home with the kids, *enjoying* them? I keep comparing his work day to mine, and I feel so guilty. Heâs the one who makes our lives possible providing a good income. Heâs working so hard for us! When weâre watching tv or utube, or playing videogames, Iâm thinking about all the things we âshouldâ do. When the boys donât get out of their pjs all day, I feel guilty I didnât take them outside for fresh air (itâs raining!).
I feel that heâs watching us becoming more relaxed about a lot of things (not getting that haircut because they donât want to, not getting dressed, playing videogames âallâ day) and heâs not liking it. He sees what weâre NOT doing, and I see it too.
I feel more and more in love with the boys the more I am with them in their activities, and Iâm getting the love back in hugs and words. Heâs not liking them so well now. He thinks their behavior is worse. I see them as freer, and a little on the wild side because they have less restrictions now. They are often acting silly and canât stop. It can be annoying and sometimes leads to fights with big brother. He compares them to big brother whoâs been reading Big Books since he was 7 and is a Good Student. They donât listen very well; they donât want to clean up. I help them. I need to make sure the house is reasonably clean and orderly when my husband comes home so thereâs less for him to be annoyed at when heâs tired. I try to help everyone in the family so that we can move forward with unschooling. So Iâm feeling stressed and guilty.
I guess itâs part of our deschooling process to get rid of the guilt and the âshouldsâ?
Or is guilt always a part of life?
-Katrine
And now I feel guilty. Something must be wrong when I am so happy to be with my children all day? I have never, or rarely, felt this way before, I have always been overwhelmed with all the tasks I have at home and with raising children. I must be lazy, Iâm not âdoingâ much (besides spending time with them, sewing and reading next to them, cooking, etc - and thatâs what makes me happy), the twins (8) are often in front of a screen, and the last two days my 10 year old schooled son has been home sick and Iâm so happy to have him home coughing on the sofa.
My husband works a lot, 12+ hour days and more work from home in the evening, and Iâm having *fun* at home with the kids, *enjoying* them? I keep comparing his work day to mine, and I feel so guilty. Heâs the one who makes our lives possible providing a good income. Heâs working so hard for us! When weâre watching tv or utube, or playing videogames, Iâm thinking about all the things we âshouldâ do. When the boys donât get out of their pjs all day, I feel guilty I didnât take them outside for fresh air (itâs raining!).
I feel that heâs watching us becoming more relaxed about a lot of things (not getting that haircut because they donât want to, not getting dressed, playing videogames âallâ day) and heâs not liking it. He sees what weâre NOT doing, and I see it too.
I feel more and more in love with the boys the more I am with them in their activities, and Iâm getting the love back in hugs and words. Heâs not liking them so well now. He thinks their behavior is worse. I see them as freer, and a little on the wild side because they have less restrictions now. They are often acting silly and canât stop. It can be annoying and sometimes leads to fights with big brother. He compares them to big brother whoâs been reading Big Books since he was 7 and is a Good Student. They donât listen very well; they donât want to clean up. I help them. I need to make sure the house is reasonably clean and orderly when my husband comes home so thereâs less for him to be annoyed at when heâs tired. I try to help everyone in the family so that we can move forward with unschooling. So Iâm feeling stressed and guilty.
I guess itâs part of our deschooling process to get rid of the guilt and the âshouldsâ?
Or is guilt always a part of life?
-Katrine
Pam Sorooshian
You won't feel guilty if you show your appreciation to your husband for
providing you with such a wonderful lifestyle. Isn't that WHY he works
so hard?
Maybe you're making too many changes too quickly. Back off and just say
yes more, but don't unilaterally change the way you (two) are raising
your children. If you want to keep your marriage a good one, or even
make it a better one, then don't dismiss or disregard your husband's
concerns.
I found that it was a big mistake to try to minimize my husband's
concerns. When he thought the kids were too...whatever --- lazy, wild,
unfocused, not learning what they should be, ....whatever.... it helped
him a lot if I would acknowledge why it seemed that way to him.
For example, he says: "Johnny is way too wild. So-and-so big brother
wasn't like that at his age. He shouldn't be allowed to act like that."
You can say, "He's not that wild. He's just being a normal kid. I'm so
happy to see him have the freedom to be himself." blah blah blah Your
husband is NOT going to feel like you were listening - he's going to
feel like you're off on a path of your own and not on one with him.
Instead, just maybe say, "I know - he's a lot more active than so-and-so
was." Acknowledge the reality, at least, of what your husband is
noticing. Sometimes, that creates a minor miracle. Your husband might
shock you by saying, "Well, each kid is different," and just moving on.
Or, he might want to talk about how to control him and you might be able
to have a conversation about helping the kid be wild in ways that don't
impinge as much on other people's comfort. A dad who is working as hard
as your husband is kind of deserves to come home to a relatively
peaceful home. Acknowledge THAT, too, and look for solutions that take
that into account.
Just ideas - maybe they'll inspire you to look a little deeper for your
own answers.
-pam
providing you with such a wonderful lifestyle. Isn't that WHY he works
so hard?
Maybe you're making too many changes too quickly. Back off and just say
yes more, but don't unilaterally change the way you (two) are raising
your children. If you want to keep your marriage a good one, or even
make it a better one, then don't dismiss or disregard your husband's
concerns.
I found that it was a big mistake to try to minimize my husband's
concerns. When he thought the kids were too...whatever --- lazy, wild,
unfocused, not learning what they should be, ....whatever.... it helped
him a lot if I would acknowledge why it seemed that way to him.
For example, he says: "Johnny is way too wild. So-and-so big brother
wasn't like that at his age. He shouldn't be allowed to act like that."
You can say, "He's not that wild. He's just being a normal kid. I'm so
happy to see him have the freedom to be himself." blah blah blah Your
husband is NOT going to feel like you were listening - he's going to
feel like you're off on a path of your own and not on one with him.
Instead, just maybe say, "I know - he's a lot more active than so-and-so
was." Acknowledge the reality, at least, of what your husband is
noticing. Sometimes, that creates a minor miracle. Your husband might
shock you by saying, "Well, each kid is different," and just moving on.
Or, he might want to talk about how to control him and you might be able
to have a conversation about helping the kid be wild in ways that don't
impinge as much on other people's comfort. A dad who is working as hard
as your husband is kind of deserves to come home to a relatively
peaceful home. Acknowledge THAT, too, and look for solutions that take
that into account.
Just ideas - maybe they'll inspire you to look a little deeper for your
own answers.
-pam
maaamaaaa!
I thinks it's normal for you to feel that way. I know that guilt was one reason it took me a while to completely unschool my kids. It just seemed too good to be true. I was so used to the "no pain, no gain" mentality all of my life that it seemed strange at first to let go of that. So I suggest you also take your time. I also think that you should give your hubby time to "deschool".
I must say that for me unschooling doesn't mean letting my kids go "wild". At leat not at the expence of the peace of others in our home. I think it's great that you'r relationship with your kids is improving, but if their relationships with their dad and older brother are being harmed then something is not right.
I have 4 kids 9yrs-1yr old and our in-laws live with us. Also my bro-in-law is staying with us temporarily. I let my kids know that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated and that is with love and respect.
Freedom is wonderful, but freedom doesn't mean it's ok to do whatever we feel like doing at the expence of other people. That is even true in our society.
Blessings,
Rosy
I must say that for me unschooling doesn't mean letting my kids go "wild". At leat not at the expence of the peace of others in our home. I think it's great that you'r relationship with your kids is improving, but if their relationships with their dad and older brother are being harmed then something is not right.
I have 4 kids 9yrs-1yr old and our in-laws live with us. Also my bro-in-law is staying with us temporarily. I let my kids know that we should treat others the way we would like to be treated and that is with love and respect.
Freedom is wonderful, but freedom doesn't mean it's ok to do whatever we feel like doing at the expence of other people. That is even true in our society.
Blessings,
Rosy
--- In [email protected], "kaclip" <katrine@...> wrote:
>
>
> Iâm learning about unschooling, using what I read here and also using what Iâve been reading in books by Naomi Aldort, (Raising our Kidsâ¦), and Alfie Kohn, (Unconditional Parenting) and feel that Iâm moving in the right direction.
>
> And now I feel guilty. Something must be wrong when I am so happy to be with my children all day? I have never, or rarely, felt this way before, I have always been overwhelmed with all the tasks I have at home and with raising children. I must be lazy, Iâm not âdoingâ much (besides spending time with them, sewing and reading next to them, cooking, etc - and thatâs what makes me happy), the twins (8) are often in front of a screen, and the last two days my 10 year old schooled son has been home sick and Iâm so happy to have him home coughing on the sofa.
>
> My husband works a lot, 12+ hour days and more work from home in the evening, and Iâm having *fun* at home with the kids, *enjoying* them? I keep comparing his work day to mine, and I feel so guilty. Heâs the one who makes our lives possible providing a good income. Heâs working so hard for us! When weâre watching tv or utube, or playing videogames, Iâm thinking about all the things we âshouldâ do. When the boys donât get out of their pjs all day, I feel guilty I didnât take them outside for fresh air (itâs raining!).
>
> I feel that heâs watching us becoming more relaxed about a lot of things (not getting that haircut because they donât want to, not getting dressed, playing videogames âallâ day) and heâs not liking it. He sees what weâre NOT doing, and I see it too.
>
> I feel more and more in love with the boys the more I am with them in their activities, and Iâm getting the love back in hugs and words. Heâs not liking them so well now. He thinks their behavior is worse. I see them as freer, and a little on the wild side because they have less restrictions now. They are often acting silly and canât stop. It can be annoying and sometimes leads to fights with big brother. He compares them to big brother whoâs been reading Big Books since he was 7 and is a Good Student. They donât listen very well; they donât want to clean up. I help them. I need to make sure the house is reasonably clean and orderly when my husband comes home so thereâs less for him to be annoyed at when heâs tired. I try to help everyone in the family so that we can move forward with unschooling. So Iâm feeling stressed and guilty.
>
> I guess itâs part of our deschooling process to get rid of the guilt and the âshouldsâ?
> Or is guilt always a part of life?
>
> -Katrine
>