Moving forward... past learning disabilities, labels, damage done by schooling, etc.
Shira Rocklin
Hi everyone,
I had an interesting discussion with my brother tonight and I was hoping
to gain a bit more insight perhaps discussing a bit here. Here is his
story, as I understand it. He is 25. He has some pretty debilitating
learning disabilities (debilitating in the sense of how he was schooled
and hurt and taught he was stupid, etc... not so much in that the
learning disabilities themselves should be whats debilitating). He
doesn't know anything about unschooling, as I haven't approached my
family much about it yet (kids being 3 and under so far, it hasn't one
beyond saying we're homeschooling yet). He didn't really finish
elementary school, he was switched into special ed classes pretty early
on (after the horrible 2nd grade teacher who told him he was a bad kid
and stupid), and they never caught him up. They spent lots of time
assessing him. My parents had their own assessments done as well, and
fought to get him into the better programs, better schools, but I'm
beginning to see that 'better' was not 'best' by any measure. He was
bumped up to high school with his class, still mostly in special ed, not
having really finished elementary school stuff. He dropped out of high
school twice, didn't go back at all after the age of 16 (compulsory
school ends at that age I think?). He spent some years working
'dead-end' jobs, grocery store, stock boy, etc... he wasn't happy doing
it, and still isn't. He expresses a desire to do more, but feels that
he has not had the experience to develop socially. He hasn't made any
new friends since he was a child, and just has his two childhood
friends. He feels inadequate, like he can't get anywhere without
school, but couldn't actually succeed when he tried college (which is
not university, similar to community college or trade school in the USA).
I was thinking about what he's trying to go through. Gain the
confidence to do something, finish something, in order to feel confident
in his ability to do those things. To move past his preconceptions
about education and being smart, learning disabilities and being smart,
being smart and getting good jobs, etc. Learn the cultural norms that
exist around him so he can navigate.
I had a few thoughts as we went through that discussion. One was to
wonder whether he'd ever been assessed for more than learning
disabilities. I know labels aren't always so helpful, but sometimes
they might be, in order to understand how we work, maybe? He had a lot
of sensory issues as a child, they've faded in adulthood, but I
rememeber. When combined with his social issues, I wonder if perhaps
he's on the spectrum (do I even know how to use that word in the right
context?). I was thinking about a friend of mine who was diagnosed with
Asperger's as a late teen. And I was also thinking that a lot of what
he needs to work through, in his mind/heart/soul, is much like the
process of deschooling. He really needs to deschool every message that
was given to him in all his years of school. I reflected back on when I
took a course in university for the sole purpose of learning how to get
a bad mark, and feel good about it... a practice in not being a
perfectionist, and how liberating it was to get that D!
So I'd love some thoughts on how to support him. I'd love for him to be
able to find a path this time (rather than the ones he's tried in the
past) that leads him out of the circles in his head. So far my thoughts
have been about setting small goals, such as just doing a course at the
community center on anything thats even vaguely interesting, just for
the experience of finishing something, or quitting because you don't
like it, without guilt. And I also thought that perhaps shadowing a few
people on their jobs, in areas that interest him, might be useful for him.
How can I continue to challenge his negative thinking about himself
without having him think I'm 'just saying that'?
Is this too off topic for this list?
Thanks,
Shira
I had an interesting discussion with my brother tonight and I was hoping
to gain a bit more insight perhaps discussing a bit here. Here is his
story, as I understand it. He is 25. He has some pretty debilitating
learning disabilities (debilitating in the sense of how he was schooled
and hurt and taught he was stupid, etc... not so much in that the
learning disabilities themselves should be whats debilitating). He
doesn't know anything about unschooling, as I haven't approached my
family much about it yet (kids being 3 and under so far, it hasn't one
beyond saying we're homeschooling yet). He didn't really finish
elementary school, he was switched into special ed classes pretty early
on (after the horrible 2nd grade teacher who told him he was a bad kid
and stupid), and they never caught him up. They spent lots of time
assessing him. My parents had their own assessments done as well, and
fought to get him into the better programs, better schools, but I'm
beginning to see that 'better' was not 'best' by any measure. He was
bumped up to high school with his class, still mostly in special ed, not
having really finished elementary school stuff. He dropped out of high
school twice, didn't go back at all after the age of 16 (compulsory
school ends at that age I think?). He spent some years working
'dead-end' jobs, grocery store, stock boy, etc... he wasn't happy doing
it, and still isn't. He expresses a desire to do more, but feels that
he has not had the experience to develop socially. He hasn't made any
new friends since he was a child, and just has his two childhood
friends. He feels inadequate, like he can't get anywhere without
school, but couldn't actually succeed when he tried college (which is
not university, similar to community college or trade school in the USA).
I was thinking about what he's trying to go through. Gain the
confidence to do something, finish something, in order to feel confident
in his ability to do those things. To move past his preconceptions
about education and being smart, learning disabilities and being smart,
being smart and getting good jobs, etc. Learn the cultural norms that
exist around him so he can navigate.
I had a few thoughts as we went through that discussion. One was to
wonder whether he'd ever been assessed for more than learning
disabilities. I know labels aren't always so helpful, but sometimes
they might be, in order to understand how we work, maybe? He had a lot
of sensory issues as a child, they've faded in adulthood, but I
rememeber. When combined with his social issues, I wonder if perhaps
he's on the spectrum (do I even know how to use that word in the right
context?). I was thinking about a friend of mine who was diagnosed with
Asperger's as a late teen. And I was also thinking that a lot of what
he needs to work through, in his mind/heart/soul, is much like the
process of deschooling. He really needs to deschool every message that
was given to him in all his years of school. I reflected back on when I
took a course in university for the sole purpose of learning how to get
a bad mark, and feel good about it... a practice in not being a
perfectionist, and how liberating it was to get that D!
So I'd love some thoughts on how to support him. I'd love for him to be
able to find a path this time (rather than the ones he's tried in the
past) that leads him out of the circles in his head. So far my thoughts
have been about setting small goals, such as just doing a course at the
community center on anything thats even vaguely interesting, just for
the experience of finishing something, or quitting because you don't
like it, without guilt. And I also thought that perhaps shadowing a few
people on their jobs, in areas that interest him, might be useful for him.
How can I continue to challenge his negative thinking about himself
without having him think I'm 'just saying that'?
Is this too off topic for this list?
Thanks,
Shira
Sandra Dodd
-=-How can I continue to challenge his negative thinking about himself
without having him think I'm 'just saying that'? -=-
What if you find a couple of opportunities to be alone with him and
just talk about how cool it would have been if things had been
different when you were both little. Like if you had been able to be
home and do [watever] and if he had not had those school problems, and
if he could have taken his time to get into the academics instead of
them pushing him by age.
You don't need to have a whole scenario prepared. Just run it like a
fantasy. Maybe he'll be into it and maybe he won't, but it would help
him think that maybe his life could have gone a different way, and
that likely much of his damage and frustration is because of school's
interference and time tables and rules, not because of a failing in
him, but of a failing in school.
I have a more serious recommendation, too. Don't do it face to face.
Be driving somewhere. Be fishing. Be doing something side by side.
http://sandradodd.com/truck
(more ideas are there)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
without having him think I'm 'just saying that'? -=-
What if you find a couple of opportunities to be alone with him and
just talk about how cool it would have been if things had been
different when you were both little. Like if you had been able to be
home and do [watever] and if he had not had those school problems, and
if he could have taken his time to get into the academics instead of
them pushing him by age.
You don't need to have a whole scenario prepared. Just run it like a
fantasy. Maybe he'll be into it and maybe he won't, but it would help
him think that maybe his life could have gone a different way, and
that likely much of his damage and frustration is because of school's
interference and time tables and rules, not because of a failing in
him, but of a failing in school.
I have a more serious recommendation, too. Don't do it face to face.
Be driving somewhere. Be fishing. Be doing something side by side.
http://sandradodd.com/truck
(more ideas are there)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***How can I continue to challenge his negative thinking about himself
without having him think I'm 'just saying that'? ***
I know you are talking about an adult, but I think it would apply the same if you were talking about a kid. His story is a prime example and reason why labels do damage, especially within the school system. He came out damaged, he's part of the percentage of kids that fail in school, the ones that the schools look at and dismiss any claim to have anything to do with.
If he was your kid, I'd tell you to see what he DOES like doing and then go from there. What IS he good at, and go from there. One little step in the positive is one step away from the negative. At this point, it's all up to him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
without having him think I'm 'just saying that'? ***
I know you are talking about an adult, but I think it would apply the same if you were talking about a kid. His story is a prime example and reason why labels do damage, especially within the school system. He came out damaged, he's part of the percentage of kids that fail in school, the ones that the schools look at and dismiss any claim to have anything to do with.
If he was your kid, I'd tell you to see what he DOES like doing and then go from there. What IS he good at, and go from there. One little step in the positive is one step away from the negative. At this point, it's all up to him.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]