Is my mom right?
maaamaaaa!
My mom is staying with us for a week and she's having issues with the way my 3 year old son talks to me when he is upset. When my boy gets upset he tends to answer me in a loud voice. For example today he was busy playing with other kids and I noticed he needed a diaper change. When I interrupted his play to change his diaper he said "NO!" and continued playing. So I let him play because I know that eventually he would become too uncomfortable with a dirty diaper and he would ask me himself to change it (like he always does). Well, my mom just about had a heart attack when she heard him "yell" at me that way. She lives 300 miles away so we don't see her very often and she is not used to the way my kids are. She told me that she has been noticeing all week that I allow him to disrespect me and that I should stop it now before he gets out of control. She said if I don't stop him now then the police will when he is an adult.
Growing up when we got upset, angry, or fustrated we were not allowed express those feeling to her. That would be considered disrespectful and she would hit us and tell us it is a sin to disrespect her in that way. We were not allwed to disagree with her either or deffend ourselved when we felt she was treating us unjustly. She also taught us to fear her. To her fear was the same as respect (she has told me that many times). So for me to allow my son to loudly exclaim "NO!" to me is a mortal sin in her eyes. She knows I'm a Christian so she said "It's against the 10 commandments for your son to speak to you that way!". I guess she thought that if she didn't convince me by her logic then she could by my religious convoctions (too bad for her I do read my Bible and I know that God NEVER sais fear equals respect or love).
Anyways, being my mother there is still something in me that makes me want to please her and makes me doubt myself when she disaprooves. So is she right? And wht if anything should I do about the way my son expresses himself when he is upset?
Any input is apreciated!!=)
Blessings and Happy New Year!!!
Growing up when we got upset, angry, or fustrated we were not allowed express those feeling to her. That would be considered disrespectful and she would hit us and tell us it is a sin to disrespect her in that way. We were not allwed to disagree with her either or deffend ourselved when we felt she was treating us unjustly. She also taught us to fear her. To her fear was the same as respect (she has told me that many times). So for me to allow my son to loudly exclaim "NO!" to me is a mortal sin in her eyes. She knows I'm a Christian so she said "It's against the 10 commandments for your son to speak to you that way!". I guess she thought that if she didn't convince me by her logic then she could by my religious convoctions (too bad for her I do read my Bible and I know that God NEVER sais fear equals respect or love).
Anyways, being my mother there is still something in me that makes me want to please her and makes me doubt myself when she disaprooves. So is she right? And wht if anything should I do about the way my son expresses himself when he is upset?
Any input is apreciated!!=)
Blessings and Happy New Year!!!
Sandra Dodd
-=-When I interrupted his play to change his diaper he said "NO!" and
continued playing.-=-
Because I don't have a picture of how you interrupted, or what he was
playing, or what he's used to, or what mood he was in, I can't say
clearly or with confidence, but I don't like it when kids say NO!
myself. Maybe you asked in such a way that "no" was an option.
Maybe he was afraid his place in the game would be lost if he left.
I used to say "We need to change the diaper, either now or after [this
whatever, some recognizeable marker]." It gives the kid the
opportunity to choose the time within a window.
-=-So I let him play because I know that eventually he would become
too uncomfortable with a dirty diaper and he would ask me himself to
change it (like he always does). -=-
If he always does, why did you interrupt? I don't think the
interruption is bad. I think rashes and rawness are not at all good,
and waiting until the kid asks might be waiting too long, especially
if he's stinky.
-=-he told me that she has been noticeing all week that I allow him to
disrespect me and that I should stop it now before he gets out of
control. She said if I don't stop him now then the police will when he
is an adult. -=-
That's certainly a consideration--the second part, more than the
first. If parents condone or encourage behavior that would get a
person thrown out of a job or public place or relationship, or that
would be illegal in other circumstances, that's got nothing to do with
unschooling. That seems to be reactionary.
Don't do the opposite of what your mom did. See what your mom did as
one extreme; see the other extreme in your mind; live in the middle.
http://sandradodd.com/balance
-=-(too bad for her I do read my Bible and I know that God NEVER sais
fear equals respect or love).-=-
This is not the place to discuss this, really, but "respect" as used
in the King James bible isn't exactly the way we use it now, and it's
not in the Bible much. Fear is in LOTS. And there are things like
this:
-=-19 As many as I love, I rebuke and CHASTEN: be zealous therefore,
and repent.
20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice,
and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and
he with me. -=-
It's not something good to discuss on this list, but if we say "You're
right" or if someone doesn't say "you're wrong," I'm afraid you'll
feel that "this list" agreed with you. I believe you're wrong, at
least in part, in your assertions about the Bible. No matter; just
qualify your statements. instead of "I know that God NEVER..."
anything, it's better for you, your soul, your integrity, and your
chance of winning an argument, if you say "As far as I know, God
didn't say..." or "I don't think..."
-=-So is she right? And wht if anything should I do about the way my
son expresses himself when he is upset?
-=-
#1, try not to upset him.
Something was happening, something was said or done, before he got
upset. Look more at your own actions that lead up to his reactions,
maybe. And don't accept rudeness as a normal or matter of course
thing. That doesn't mean spank or yell. It means work toward a
better relationship with him, being more respectful of him yourself.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
continued playing.-=-
Because I don't have a picture of how you interrupted, or what he was
playing, or what he's used to, or what mood he was in, I can't say
clearly or with confidence, but I don't like it when kids say NO!
myself. Maybe you asked in such a way that "no" was an option.
Maybe he was afraid his place in the game would be lost if he left.
I used to say "We need to change the diaper, either now or after [this
whatever, some recognizeable marker]." It gives the kid the
opportunity to choose the time within a window.
-=-So I let him play because I know that eventually he would become
too uncomfortable with a dirty diaper and he would ask me himself to
change it (like he always does). -=-
If he always does, why did you interrupt? I don't think the
interruption is bad. I think rashes and rawness are not at all good,
and waiting until the kid asks might be waiting too long, especially
if he's stinky.
-=-he told me that she has been noticeing all week that I allow him to
disrespect me and that I should stop it now before he gets out of
control. She said if I don't stop him now then the police will when he
is an adult. -=-
That's certainly a consideration--the second part, more than the
first. If parents condone or encourage behavior that would get a
person thrown out of a job or public place or relationship, or that
would be illegal in other circumstances, that's got nothing to do with
unschooling. That seems to be reactionary.
Don't do the opposite of what your mom did. See what your mom did as
one extreme; see the other extreme in your mind; live in the middle.
http://sandradodd.com/balance
-=-(too bad for her I do read my Bible and I know that God NEVER sais
fear equals respect or love).-=-
This is not the place to discuss this, really, but "respect" as used
in the King James bible isn't exactly the way we use it now, and it's
not in the Bible much. Fear is in LOTS. And there are things like
this:
-=-19 As many as I love, I rebuke and CHASTEN: be zealous therefore,
and repent.
20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice,
and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and
he with me. -=-
It's not something good to discuss on this list, but if we say "You're
right" or if someone doesn't say "you're wrong," I'm afraid you'll
feel that "this list" agreed with you. I believe you're wrong, at
least in part, in your assertions about the Bible. No matter; just
qualify your statements. instead of "I know that God NEVER..."
anything, it's better for you, your soul, your integrity, and your
chance of winning an argument, if you say "As far as I know, God
didn't say..." or "I don't think..."
-=-So is she right? And wht if anything should I do about the way my
son expresses himself when he is upset?
-=-
#1, try not to upset him.
Something was happening, something was said or done, before he got
upset. Look more at your own actions that lead up to his reactions,
maybe. And don't accept rudeness as a normal or matter of course
thing. That doesn't mean spank or yell. It means work toward a
better relationship with him, being more respectful of him yourself.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/31/2009 7:32:11 P.M. Eastern Standard Time,
pookycat2000@... writes:
<<<When my boy gets upset he tends to answer me in a loud voice.>>>
If my kids say something to me in a voice that could be considered
disrespectful, or that I don't like, I let them know I don't like being talked to
in that way. I'm not sure if that would mollify your mother, but it does
let him know there is a difference and you're not "ignoring" it, either.
Peace,
De
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pookycat2000@... writes:
<<<When my boy gets upset he tends to answer me in a loud voice.>>>
If my kids say something to me in a voice that could be considered
disrespectful, or that I don't like, I let them know I don't like being talked to
in that way. I'm not sure if that would mollify your mother, but it does
let him know there is a difference and you're not "ignoring" it, either.
Peace,
De
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Emily S
If it might help your mom, you could send her these. They are from Christians, who don't spank or "demand respect."
http://aolff.org/?page_id=9
http://gentlechristianmothers.com/index.php
Emily
http://aolff.org/?page_id=9
http://gentlechristianmothers.com/index.php
Emily
--- In [email protected], "maaamaaaa!" <pookycat2000@...> wrote:
>
> My mom is staying with us for a week and she's having issues with the way my 3 year old son talks to me when he is upset. When my boy gets upset he tends to answer me in a loud voice. For example today he was busy playing with other kids and I noticed he needed a diaper change. When I interrupted his play to change his diaper he said "NO!" and continued playing. So I let him play because I know that eventually he would become too uncomfortable with a dirty diaper and he would ask me himself to change it (like he always does). Well, my mom just about had a heart attack when she heard him "yell" at me that way. She lives 300 miles away so we don't see her very often and she is not used to the way my kids are. She told me that she has been noticeing all week that I allow him to disrespect me and that I should stop it now before he gets out of control. She said if I don't stop him now then the police will when he is an adult.
>
> Growing up when we got upset, angry, or fustrated we were not allowed express those feeling to her. That would be considered disrespectful and she would hit us and tell us it is a sin to disrespect her in that way. We were not allwed to disagree with her either or deffend ourselved when we felt she was treating us unjustly. She also taught us to fear her. To her fear was the same as respect (she has told me that many times). So for me to allow my son to loudly exclaim "NO!" to me is a mortal sin in her eyes. She knows I'm a Christian so she said "It's against the 10 commandments for your son to speak to you that way!". I guess she thought that if she didn't convince me by her logic then she could by my religious convoctions (too bad for her I do read my Bible and I know that God NEVER sais fear equals respect or love).
>
> Anyways, being my mother there is still something in me that makes me want to please her and makes me doubt myself when she disaprooves. So is she right? And wht if anything should I do about the way my son expresses himself when he is upset?
>
> Any input is apreciated!!=)
>
> Blessings and Happy New Year!!!
>
maaamaaaa!
Thanks to everyone for your input! Believe it or not although I always try to tell my son to be nice to his sisters and other people because being mean hurts their feeling it has never occured to me to tell him how I feel when he yells at me. Weird how something so obvious never crossed my mind, so thanks for that suggestion.
Emilly, thank you for the links. I will show them to my mom.
Blessings,
Rosy
Emilly, thank you for the links. I will show them to my mom.
Blessings,
Rosy
--- In [email protected], "maaamaaaa!" <pookycat2000@...> wrote:
>
> My mom is staying with us for a week and she's having issues with the way my 3 year old son talks to me when he is upset. When my boy gets upset he tends to answer me in a loud voice. For example today he was busy playing with other kids and I noticed he needed a diaper change. When I interrupted his play to change his diaper he said "NO!" and continued playing. So I let him play because I know that eventually he would become too uncomfortable with a dirty diaper and he would ask me himself to change it (like he always does). Well, my mom just about had a heart attack when she heard him "yell" at me that way. She lives 300 miles away so we don't see her very often and she is not used to the way my kids are. She told me that she has been noticeing all week that I allow him to disrespect me and that I should stop it now before he gets out of control. She said if I don't stop him now then the police will when he is an adult.
>
> Growing up when we got upset, angry, or fustrated we were not allowed express those feeling to her. That would be considered disrespectful and she would hit us and tell us it is a sin to disrespect her in that way. We were not allwed to disagree with her either or deffend ourselved when we felt she was treating us unjustly. She also taught us to fear her. To her fear was the same as respect (she has told me that many times). So for me to allow my son to loudly exclaim "NO!" to me is a mortal sin in her eyes. She knows I'm a Christian so she said "It's against the 10 commandments for your son to speak to you that way!". I guess she thought that if she didn't convince me by her logic then she could by my religious convoctions (too bad for her I do read my Bible and I know that God NEVER sais fear equals respect or love).
>
> Anyways, being my mother there is still something in me that makes me want to please her and makes me doubt myself when she disaprooves. So is she right? And wht if anything should I do about the way my son expresses himself when he is upset?
>
> Any input is apreciated!!=)
>
> Blessings and Happy New Year!!!
>