Ideas About Chores Are Really Helping: Thanks Sandra, Joyce, and Others!
kelly_sturman
Still deschooling, and finding that my expectations about
what my children "should" be doing with regards to taking
care of our home and our possessions have been getting in
the way of me appreciating my children who they are in
this moment.
I don't mind grocery shopping, even though I really, *really*,
REALLY don't like shopping, because I don't expect that the
kids, at their current ages, "should" be responsible for buying
their own groceries.
I don't mind laundering their clothes, because I don't think
that's an "age-appropriate" job for them, either. They do like
to press the buttons on the machines, and so they do, and they
are willing to carry their dirty clothes down to the laundry
room in the basement, because they know my back hurts and that it
is a bit hard for me to get up and down four flights of stairs numerous times a day, and they do that for my happily, too. But
I don't expect them to take it all on themselves, I don't even
expect them to carry the laundry up and down the stairs (although
I am grateful to them when they do, and I tell them so), and I
don't resent that I am the one who does the bulk of the washing.
But I found I was stuck in resentment because they weren't
carrying plates to the sink, or wiping up spills, and they were leaving their toys and books just strewn everywhere, and then
were frustrated when they couldn't find their things, and the
things they weren't doing, I had chosen to classify in my mind
as "things a child of age X should be doing."
As soon as I dropped the expectations: "they should be doing
this; they are old enough to take on these responsibilities..."
that freed me to lovingly take care of them, and even to help
them find a misplaced item for them, when they need that, without
any snide remarks about "a place for everything and everything in
its place."
I read and re-read the pages about "chores" and choices and the
fact that I chose to bring these people into my life, and the
more I read, the more it sinks in. No, they aren't trying to
enslave me with endless housework, and no, I don't "have to" do
the housework. They are just having fun, and I can choose to facilitate that. I WANT to make that happen!
I can remember as a kid, feeling like I had worked hard at home
to do everything right. And I got it about 99% right, and I got
hell for the 1% that I hadn't gotten right. I remember getting
yelled at for dripping water on the floor after a shower: "YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DRY OFF COMPLETELY WHILE STANDING IN THAT SHOWER STALL!" I remember being shamed for not squeezing the toothpaste tube from the botton and flattening it as I went up. (I guess that would be funny if it weren't sad.) There was *always* something
like that I was forgetting, and I just don't want anything
resembling that for my children. So I choose to drop the
expectations about what is "age appropriate." (It's easier said
than done, but that doesn't stop me from choosing and choosing
again, reminding myself that what I want is for my children to feel deeply loved for who they are right now.)
I found myself in the mall recently, and one shop was selling
signs to hang in the home, and one of those signs read, "Be kinder
than is necessary." I like that. I don't know if it is even
possible, but it is a nice guiding principle, I think.
Anyway, thanks to all of you. Things get more and more peaceful, and
I am more and more the mother I want to be.
Kelly Sturman
what my children "should" be doing with regards to taking
care of our home and our possessions have been getting in
the way of me appreciating my children who they are in
this moment.
I don't mind grocery shopping, even though I really, *really*,
REALLY don't like shopping, because I don't expect that the
kids, at their current ages, "should" be responsible for buying
their own groceries.
I don't mind laundering their clothes, because I don't think
that's an "age-appropriate" job for them, either. They do like
to press the buttons on the machines, and so they do, and they
are willing to carry their dirty clothes down to the laundry
room in the basement, because they know my back hurts and that it
is a bit hard for me to get up and down four flights of stairs numerous times a day, and they do that for my happily, too. But
I don't expect them to take it all on themselves, I don't even
expect them to carry the laundry up and down the stairs (although
I am grateful to them when they do, and I tell them so), and I
don't resent that I am the one who does the bulk of the washing.
But I found I was stuck in resentment because they weren't
carrying plates to the sink, or wiping up spills, and they were leaving their toys and books just strewn everywhere, and then
were frustrated when they couldn't find their things, and the
things they weren't doing, I had chosen to classify in my mind
as "things a child of age X should be doing."
As soon as I dropped the expectations: "they should be doing
this; they are old enough to take on these responsibilities..."
that freed me to lovingly take care of them, and even to help
them find a misplaced item for them, when they need that, without
any snide remarks about "a place for everything and everything in
its place."
I read and re-read the pages about "chores" and choices and the
fact that I chose to bring these people into my life, and the
more I read, the more it sinks in. No, they aren't trying to
enslave me with endless housework, and no, I don't "have to" do
the housework. They are just having fun, and I can choose to facilitate that. I WANT to make that happen!
I can remember as a kid, feeling like I had worked hard at home
to do everything right. And I got it about 99% right, and I got
hell for the 1% that I hadn't gotten right. I remember getting
yelled at for dripping water on the floor after a shower: "YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO DRY OFF COMPLETELY WHILE STANDING IN THAT SHOWER STALL!" I remember being shamed for not squeezing the toothpaste tube from the botton and flattening it as I went up. (I guess that would be funny if it weren't sad.) There was *always* something
like that I was forgetting, and I just don't want anything
resembling that for my children. So I choose to drop the
expectations about what is "age appropriate." (It's easier said
than done, but that doesn't stop me from choosing and choosing
again, reminding myself that what I want is for my children to feel deeply loved for who they are right now.)
I found myself in the mall recently, and one shop was selling
signs to hang in the home, and one of those signs read, "Be kinder
than is necessary." I like that. I don't know if it is even
possible, but it is a nice guiding principle, I think.
Anyway, thanks to all of you. Things get more and more peaceful, and
I am more and more the mother I want to be.
Kelly Sturman
Sandra Dodd
-=-I found myself in the mall recently, and one shop was selling
signs to hang in the home, and one of those signs read, "Be kinder
than is necessary." I like that. I don't know if it is even
possible, but it is a nice guiding principle, I think.-=-
I'm sure it's true, as none of us "has to" be kind at all. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
signs to hang in the home, and one of those signs read, "Be kinder
than is necessary." I like that. I don't know if it is even
possible, but it is a nice guiding principle, I think.-=-
I'm sure it's true, as none of us "has to" be kind at all. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I don't mind grocery shopping, even though I really, *really*,
REALLY don't like shopping, because I don't expect that the
kids, at their current ages, "should" be responsible for buying
their own groceries. -=-
Instead of think of it as "grocery shopping," if you sometimes turn it
to an outing with one (or more) of the kids, take your time, look at
the odd vegetables, see what's on sale, say good morning to the
butcher, get a donut... Process over product means you can get both.
When my kids were young sometimes I'd take two carts--the boys in one
cart, and Holly the the baby seat of the other one. I'd put most of
the groceries in the Holly-cart, but some of the interesting ones in
with the boys, and I'd talk to them, or we'd sing or tell jokes.
Sometimes I'd only have two kids, one in the basket and one in the
baby seat. Sometimes if the store was really empty I'd let them all
down to walk, but it's kinda dangerous if it's crowded.
The more you make it about the kids, the less it will seem like
"grocery shopping" and will be part of the fabric of your
relationships with your unschooled children.
I used to think I'd be taking my kids to the store with me until they
were grown and gone, but that didn't happen at all. When they're old
enough not to go, it ends up being just me. And some of my best times
at the store then were when I wasn't in a hurry *and* I was by
myself. I can stall, I can think, I can listen to the music, i can
let other people go ahead of me in the line, I can look at all the
potted plants and cut flowers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
REALLY don't like shopping, because I don't expect that the
kids, at their current ages, "should" be responsible for buying
their own groceries. -=-
Instead of think of it as "grocery shopping," if you sometimes turn it
to an outing with one (or more) of the kids, take your time, look at
the odd vegetables, see what's on sale, say good morning to the
butcher, get a donut... Process over product means you can get both.
When my kids were young sometimes I'd take two carts--the boys in one
cart, and Holly the the baby seat of the other one. I'd put most of
the groceries in the Holly-cart, but some of the interesting ones in
with the boys, and I'd talk to them, or we'd sing or tell jokes.
Sometimes I'd only have two kids, one in the basket and one in the
baby seat. Sometimes if the store was really empty I'd let them all
down to walk, but it's kinda dangerous if it's crowded.
The more you make it about the kids, the less it will seem like
"grocery shopping" and will be part of the fabric of your
relationships with your unschooled children.
I used to think I'd be taking my kids to the store with me until they
were grown and gone, but that didn't happen at all. When they're old
enough not to go, it ends up being just me. And some of my best times
at the store then were when I wasn't in a hurry *and* I was by
myself. I can stall, I can think, I can listen to the music, i can
let other people go ahead of me in the line, I can look at all the
potted plants and cut flowers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kelly_sturman
Yes, it is wonderful when shopping is a social activity,
and an exploration, and a chance to visit with people,
but the key word is "sometimes." It happens sometimes.
I did this with the regular weekly shops when the kids
were younger and the family was smaller. But now that we
are a family of seven, I find that, usually, the kids don't
want to accompany me on a "big shop" anymore. Stocking the
pantry and the refigerators and freezers (yes we have multiple)
means filling two or three baskets full of groceries,
and it takes hours to do, and we run low again after 7-10 days,
even with a delivery truck bringing us non-perishables, so the
grocery store is a place everyone has a chance to explore
*frequently*. These days, the kids usually want to do other
things more than they want to accompany me on a "big shop" to
restock the pantry and refrigerators/freezers. The kids take sort
of a "been there, done that" attitude towards grocery shopping.
My attitude is that I choose to shop because we enjoy cooking together, and that means we need ingredients. Also, I like to
have lots of different sorts of interesting foods at home for the kids to eat whenever they happen to get hungry, along with a good supply of tried and true favorites and comfort foods. But I sure like the food prep at home a lot more than I like the going out alone and filling three carts. (Yes, having a large family was my
choice, and yes, I am very fortunate that I can feed them, but that knowledge still doesn't make the shopping all alone anything near to my favorite activity of the week.)
OTOH, when we are doing a "fill in" shop, just getting a
few odds and ends, or shopping because somebody had an idea
for a recipe they'd like to try, then we shop as an outing,
as an exploration, and that is fun. Sometimes we all go,
and sometimes just one child will come with me; everybody
appreciates that everybody wants one-on-one time with Mom.
If I do have company on a shop, we'll usually get a snack in the
store, and definitely incorporate browsing and chatting with
other customers and with the people who work in the store.
When my kids were young, and I only had two of 'em, I'd bring
my son's toy shopping cart, and he'd push that around, acquire
items that interested him, and I'd carry my daughter in a sling,
and she'd reach for or point at items that interested her. And
when each of my adoptive kids was new to the family, I'd take 'em
to one of the local Asian grocery stores, to look for items that
would be comforting and familiar. (They are all adopted from
China.) My biological children like the Asian grocery stores, too.
There are lots of different things to see and touch and
smell there.
Kelly Sturman
and an exploration, and a chance to visit with people,
but the key word is "sometimes." It happens sometimes.
I did this with the regular weekly shops when the kids
were younger and the family was smaller. But now that we
are a family of seven, I find that, usually, the kids don't
want to accompany me on a "big shop" anymore. Stocking the
pantry and the refigerators and freezers (yes we have multiple)
means filling two or three baskets full of groceries,
and it takes hours to do, and we run low again after 7-10 days,
even with a delivery truck bringing us non-perishables, so the
grocery store is a place everyone has a chance to explore
*frequently*. These days, the kids usually want to do other
things more than they want to accompany me on a "big shop" to
restock the pantry and refrigerators/freezers. The kids take sort
of a "been there, done that" attitude towards grocery shopping.
My attitude is that I choose to shop because we enjoy cooking together, and that means we need ingredients. Also, I like to
have lots of different sorts of interesting foods at home for the kids to eat whenever they happen to get hungry, along with a good supply of tried and true favorites and comfort foods. But I sure like the food prep at home a lot more than I like the going out alone and filling three carts. (Yes, having a large family was my
choice, and yes, I am very fortunate that I can feed them, but that knowledge still doesn't make the shopping all alone anything near to my favorite activity of the week.)
OTOH, when we are doing a "fill in" shop, just getting a
few odds and ends, or shopping because somebody had an idea
for a recipe they'd like to try, then we shop as an outing,
as an exploration, and that is fun. Sometimes we all go,
and sometimes just one child will come with me; everybody
appreciates that everybody wants one-on-one time with Mom.
If I do have company on a shop, we'll usually get a snack in the
store, and definitely incorporate browsing and chatting with
other customers and with the people who work in the store.
When my kids were young, and I only had two of 'em, I'd bring
my son's toy shopping cart, and he'd push that around, acquire
items that interested him, and I'd carry my daughter in a sling,
and she'd reach for or point at items that interested her. And
when each of my adoptive kids was new to the family, I'd take 'em
to one of the local Asian grocery stores, to look for items that
would be comforting and familiar. (They are all adopted from
China.) My biological children like the Asian grocery stores, too.
There are lots of different things to see and touch and
smell there.
Kelly Sturman
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> Instead of think of it as "grocery shopping," if you sometimes
> turn it to an outing with one (or more) of the kids, take your
> time, look at the odd vegetables, see what's on sale, say good
> morning to the butcher, get a donut... Process over product
> means you can get both.
claire.horsley08
I took my kids to an Asian grocery store recently, and as they are huge fans of noodles, it was wonderful for them to be able to pick out some noodles from such a wide selection!
Kelly, could you just clarify, when you do a big shop, do the kids reluctantly accompany you, or do they stay home while you do the shopping alone? I can see that either way it is a big job, but one that would be much more arduous with 5 unwilling kids in tow! I now do most of my shopping in the evening while my partner stays home with the kids. Sandra, you look at plants - I sneak a look at the trashy magazines to see the latest doings of the Jolie-Pitt clan!
Claire
Kelly, could you just clarify, when you do a big shop, do the kids reluctantly accompany you, or do they stay home while you do the shopping alone? I can see that either way it is a big job, but one that would be much more arduous with 5 unwilling kids in tow! I now do most of my shopping in the evening while my partner stays home with the kids. Sandra, you look at plants - I sneak a look at the trashy magazines to see the latest doings of the Jolie-Pitt clan!
Claire
--- In [email protected], "kelly_sturman" <conspicuousfamily@...> wrote:
>
> Yes, it is wonderful when shopping is a social activity,
> and an exploration, and a chance to visit with people,
> but the key word is "sometimes." It happens sometimes.
>
> I did this with the regular weekly shops when the kids
> were younger and the family was smaller. But now that we
> are a family of seven, I find that, usually, the kids don't
> want to accompany me on a "big shop" anymore. Stocking the
> pantry and the refigerators and freezers (yes we have multiple)
> means filling two or three baskets full of groceries,
> and it takes hours to do, and we run low again after 7-10 days,
> even with a delivery truck bringing us non-perishables, so the
> grocery store is a place everyone has a chance to explore
> *frequently*. These days, the kids usually want to do other
> things more than they want to accompany me on a "big shop" to
> restock the pantry and refrigerators/freezers. The kids take sort
> of a "been there, done that" attitude towards grocery shopping.
>
> My attitude is that I choose to shop because we enjoy cooking together, and that means we need ingredients. Also, I like to
> have lots of different sorts of interesting foods at home for the kids to eat whenever they happen to get hungry, along with a good supply of tried and true favorites and comfort foods. But I sure like the food prep at home a lot more than I like the going out alone and filling three carts. (Yes, having a large family was my
> choice, and yes, I am very fortunate that I can feed them, but that knowledge still doesn't make the shopping all alone anything near to my favorite activity of the week.)
>
> OTOH, when we are doing a "fill in" shop, just getting a
> few odds and ends, or shopping because somebody had an idea
> for a recipe they'd like to try, then we shop as an outing,
> as an exploration, and that is fun. Sometimes we all go,
> and sometimes just one child will come with me; everybody
> appreciates that everybody wants one-on-one time with Mom.
> If I do have company on a shop, we'll usually get a snack in the
> store, and definitely incorporate browsing and chatting with
> other customers and with the people who work in the store.
>
> When my kids were young, and I only had two of 'em, I'd bring
> my son's toy shopping cart, and he'd push that around, acquire
> items that interested him, and I'd carry my daughter in a sling,
> and she'd reach for or point at items that interested her. And
> when each of my adoptive kids was new to the family, I'd take 'em
> to one of the local Asian grocery stores, to look for items that
> would be comforting and familiar. (They are all adopted from
> China.) My biological children like the Asian grocery stores, too.
> There are lots of different things to see and touch and
> smell there.
>
> Kelly Sturman
>
> --- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@> wrote:
>
> > Instead of think of it as "grocery shopping," if you sometimes
> > turn it to an outing with one (or more) of the kids, take your
> > time, look at the odd vegetables, see what's on sale, say good
> > morning to the butcher, get a donut... Process over product
> > means you can get both.
>
kelly_sturman
I shop alone, except for those instances when somebody
specifically requests to come along; it's actually less
arduous when one (or more) of the kids want to come along;
it takes a lot longer, but we have fun exploring and socializing.
But I understand that there are other things that they would
rather be doing, and I NEVER press them to accompany me. That
*would* make it really unpleasant for everybody.
Kelly
specifically requests to come along; it's actually less
arduous when one (or more) of the kids want to come along;
it takes a lot longer, but we have fun exploring and socializing.
But I understand that there are other things that they would
rather be doing, and I NEVER press them to accompany me. That
*would* make it really unpleasant for everybody.
Kelly
> Kelly, could you just clarify, when you do a big shop,
> do the kids reluctantly accompany you, or do they stay home
> while you do the shopping alone?