Tips on getting "Thicker Skin"
DaBreeze21
Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or tips on how they have gotten better at letting things go -- specifically comments from others, mostly family, about parenting or lifestyle choices.
I know in my head that I need to be "tougher" and strong in my decisions and not worry about what others think, but it seems easier said than done. For example, just this morning I was talking to my MIL and she asked, "Do you think she watches too many videos?" about my 3 yo daughter. This was right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and me saying that those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now.
I vaguely replied, "Oh, she pretty much plays all day" and didn't act bothered -- so I seem pretty good in the moment of not overreacting to comments... but I am an "overanalyzer" so then I start thinking, how long has she wanted to say this? I KNOW I should just let it go - after all MOST people I know would think she is watching "too much" TV. I purposely didn't get into my "philosophy".
Other recent comments that have irked me -- about my new baby's name, about circumcision (we chose not too), and I know that if/when we homeschool (not even mentioning the word UNSCHOOL) we are going to be in for more opinions/comments. So anything I can do to work on my own ability to let things slide? maybe the only thing that truly helps is time?
Thanks!
Susan
www.xanga.com/CrunchyConMom
I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or tips on how they have gotten better at letting things go -- specifically comments from others, mostly family, about parenting or lifestyle choices.
I know in my head that I need to be "tougher" and strong in my decisions and not worry about what others think, but it seems easier said than done. For example, just this morning I was talking to my MIL and she asked, "Do you think she watches too many videos?" about my 3 yo daughter. This was right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and me saying that those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now.
I vaguely replied, "Oh, she pretty much plays all day" and didn't act bothered -- so I seem pretty good in the moment of not overreacting to comments... but I am an "overanalyzer" so then I start thinking, how long has she wanted to say this? I KNOW I should just let it go - after all MOST people I know would think she is watching "too much" TV. I purposely didn't get into my "philosophy".
Other recent comments that have irked me -- about my new baby's name, about circumcision (we chose not too), and I know that if/when we homeschool (not even mentioning the word UNSCHOOL) we are going to be in for more opinions/comments. So anything I can do to work on my own ability to let things slide? maybe the only thing that truly helps is time?
Thanks!
Susan
www.xanga.com/CrunchyConMom
Beth
=\=I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or tips on how they
have gotten better at letting things go -- specifically comments from
others, mostly family, about parenting or lifestyle choices.=\=
It took practice. Now I'm really good at not letting other people's
negative comments against lifestyle choices get to me. You have to make a
choice to let it go, and then do it.
=\=For example, just this morning I was talking to my MIL and she asked, "Do
you think she watches too many videos?" about my 3 yo daughter. This was
right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and me saying that
those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now. I vaguely replied, "Oh,
she pretty much plays all day" and didn't act bothered =\=
I would have just said "No," and ended it there. Don't let other people
make you feel defensive.
=\=so I seem pretty good in the moment of not overreacting to comments...
but I am an "overanalyzer" so then I start thinking, how long has she wanted
to say this? I KNOW I should just let it go - after all MOST people I know
would think she is watching "too much" TV. I purposely didn't get into my
"philosophy". =\=
I never get into my philosophies with people unless I'm directly questioned
by someone I think is genuinely interested in how we live. Offering
yourself up for criticism is fine if you're willing to do battle. I
personally don't have the mental energy for that, so unless someone asks me
a direct question that requires an elaborate answer, they usually get the
one-word version.
Beth D.
have gotten better at letting things go -- specifically comments from
others, mostly family, about parenting or lifestyle choices.=\=
It took practice. Now I'm really good at not letting other people's
negative comments against lifestyle choices get to me. You have to make a
choice to let it go, and then do it.
=\=For example, just this morning I was talking to my MIL and she asked, "Do
you think she watches too many videos?" about my 3 yo daughter. This was
right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and me saying that
those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now. I vaguely replied, "Oh,
she pretty much plays all day" and didn't act bothered =\=
I would have just said "No," and ended it there. Don't let other people
make you feel defensive.
=\=so I seem pretty good in the moment of not overreacting to comments...
but I am an "overanalyzer" so then I start thinking, how long has she wanted
to say this? I KNOW I should just let it go - after all MOST people I know
would think she is watching "too much" TV. I purposely didn't get into my
"philosophy". =\=
I never get into my philosophies with people unless I'm directly questioned
by someone I think is genuinely interested in how we live. Offering
yourself up for criticism is fine if you're willing to do battle. I
personally don't have the mental energy for that, so unless someone asks me
a direct question that requires an elaborate answer, they usually get the
one-word version.
Beth D.
Sandra Dodd
If you want to analyze and ponder, instead of thinking of the other
people's motives, maybe you could consider and categorize some of what
your daughter gains from watching videos. Without thinking very hard,
I'm figuring there's music, art, geography, cultural differences,
accents or languages, vocabulary, concepts such as old/young, near/
far, big/small, funny/sad--not that she can't get those at home, but
in stories she can think of those things without it being personally
about her. She can consider a fictional character's frustration or
sorrow without experiencing her own.
When you have ready and enthusiastic answers to those questions, they
won't seem so onerous, I think.
And when you make statements or give answer, consider qualifying your
statements. One example you gave us was:
"This was right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and
me saying that those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now."
Instead of making an absolute statement that something is or is not
"the best thing" for another person (even your own daughter), maybe
say "I think that will work better when she's a little older," or "We
haven't yet, but eventually we probably will." Store up a whole
basket of "I think" and "it seems" and "as far as I can tell" to add
to your statements.
One of the most powerful things I ever said to my mother in law about
Kirby being out of school, when he was six or seven, was "This is
working really well right now. If it stops working, we'll put him in
school."
Some people might see that as wimpy, or as a dodge, but I see
ignorance and pomposity in an over-arching comment such as "He will
NEVER go to school." If a statement seems (and is) short-sighted,
then the in-laws will believe (rightly) that the mother is being short-
sighted. If a statement contains its own intention for constant
checks and balances, then the mother will be seen (and will also feel,
in herself) that she's living mindfully and attending to the success
or failure of her plans and actions all the way along.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
people's motives, maybe you could consider and categorize some of what
your daughter gains from watching videos. Without thinking very hard,
I'm figuring there's music, art, geography, cultural differences,
accents or languages, vocabulary, concepts such as old/young, near/
far, big/small, funny/sad--not that she can't get those at home, but
in stories she can think of those things without it being personally
about her. She can consider a fictional character's frustration or
sorrow without experiencing her own.
When you have ready and enthusiastic answers to those questions, they
won't seem so onerous, I think.
And when you make statements or give answer, consider qualifying your
statements. One example you gave us was:
"This was right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and
me saying that those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now."
Instead of making an absolute statement that something is or is not
"the best thing" for another person (even your own daughter), maybe
say "I think that will work better when she's a little older," or "We
haven't yet, but eventually we probably will." Store up a whole
basket of "I think" and "it seems" and "as far as I can tell" to add
to your statements.
One of the most powerful things I ever said to my mother in law about
Kirby being out of school, when he was six or seven, was "This is
working really well right now. If it stops working, we'll put him in
school."
Some people might see that as wimpy, or as a dodge, but I see
ignorance and pomposity in an over-arching comment such as "He will
NEVER go to school." If a statement seems (and is) short-sighted,
then the in-laws will believe (rightly) that the mother is being short-
sighted. If a statement contains its own intention for constant
checks and balances, then the mother will be seen (and will also feel,
in herself) that she's living mindfully and attending to the success
or failure of her plans and actions all the way along.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bhmjones
Either do that or do as I do, attempt to anticipate any and all questions that can come up and have a retort on standby. Preferable one that perplexes them enough that they do not pursue the line of questioning. e.g., "Do you think she watches too many videos?", retort: "The latest research is that no one can watch enough videos." This should perplex them since the question about watching too many videos is most likely based on some sort of research that shows people can watch too many videos. And chances are, they can not cite that research at all, but believe it since someone of authority told it to them once. Well when you say "the latest research" it automatically negates their old research that they can't even cite, so most likely they will drop it.
The thing to remember is that they really believe they are looking out for your best interests and you can be very creative in reassuring them you also have your best interests taken care of without offending them.
Brad Jones
________________________________
From: DaBreeze21 <susanmay15@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tue, November 17, 2009 8:30:41 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Tips on getting "Thicker Skin"
Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or tips on how they have gotten better at letting things go -- specifically comments from others, mostly family, about parenting or lifestyle choices.
I know in my head that I need to be "tougher" and strong in my decisions and not worry about what others think, but it seems easier said than done. For example, just this morning I was talking to my MIL and she asked, "Do you think she watches too many videos?" about my 3 yo daughter. This was right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and me saying that those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now.
I vaguely replied, "Oh, she pretty much plays all day" and didn't act bothered -- so I seem pretty good in the moment of not overreacting to comments... but I am an "overanalyzer" so then I start thinking, how long has she wanted to say this? I KNOW I should just let it go - after all MOST people I know would think she is watching "too much" TV. I purposely didn't get into my "philosophy" .
Other recent comments that have irked me -- about my new baby's name, about circumcision (we chose not too), and I know that if/when we homeschool (not even mentioning the word UNSCHOOL) we are going to be in for more opinions/comments. So anything I can do to work on my own ability to let things slide? maybe the only thing that truly helps is time?
Thanks!
Susan
www.xanga.com/ CrunchyConMom
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The thing to remember is that they really believe they are looking out for your best interests and you can be very creative in reassuring them you also have your best interests taken care of without offending them.
Brad Jones
________________________________
From: DaBreeze21 <susanmay15@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tue, November 17, 2009 8:30:41 AM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Tips on getting "Thicker Skin"
Hi,
I was just wondering if anyone had any suggestions or tips on how they have gotten better at letting things go -- specifically comments from others, mostly family, about parenting or lifestyle choices.
I know in my head that I need to be "tougher" and strong in my decisions and not worry about what others think, but it seems easier said than done. For example, just this morning I was talking to my MIL and she asked, "Do you think she watches too many videos?" about my 3 yo daughter. This was right after asking me if we do any playgroups right now, and me saying that those aren't the best thing for Marisol right now.
I vaguely replied, "Oh, she pretty much plays all day" and didn't act bothered -- so I seem pretty good in the moment of not overreacting to comments... but I am an "overanalyzer" so then I start thinking, how long has she wanted to say this? I KNOW I should just let it go - after all MOST people I know would think she is watching "too much" TV. I purposely didn't get into my "philosophy" .
Other recent comments that have irked me -- about my new baby's name, about circumcision (we chose not too), and I know that if/when we homeschool (not even mentioning the word UNSCHOOL) we are going to be in for more opinions/comments. So anything I can do to work on my own ability to let things slide? maybe the only thing that truly helps is time?
Thanks!
Susan
www.xanga.com/ CrunchyConMom
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]