Alexander the Great and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day
Sandra Dodd
Parodies are wonderful for effortless learning. The one below was
done by high school boys (gamers, I believe). For people who like
this, or Weird Al, I also recommend Asterix and Obelix comics.
Alexander the Great and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day
in the style of the children's story Alexander and the Terrible
Horrible No Good Very Bad Day; written for Honors English 11 last year
By William Aoki, Chris Condrat, and Ryan Merril-Johnson
I left the battle with blood in my helmet and now there's blood in my
hair and when I got out of my armor this afternoon I tripped on a dead
solder and by mistake I dropped my sword in the catapult while the
thing was launching and I could tell it was going to be a terrible,
horrible, no good very bad day.
At dinner Aristotle found a fat juicy rabbit in the tall overgrown
grass and Demetrius found a striking young buck in the tall overgrown
grass but in my tall overgrown grass all I found was tall overgrown
grass.
I think I'll move to Carthage.
In the march my bodyguard told Homer to have the left flank. Plato and
Hephestus were told to take the right flank. I said I was being
scrunched. I said I was being smushed. I said if I don't get a place
on a flank I am going to be homicidal. No one even saluted.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad
day.
In battle Athena liked the Egyptians' sacrifice of a lamb better than
my sacrifice of the invisible cow. At praising time she said I praised
too quietly. After I was done praying, she said I left out Zeus. Who
needs Zeus? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no
good very bad day.
I could tell because Prometheus said I wasn't his best battle partner
anymore. He said that Philip was his best battle partner and Hector
was his next best battle partner and that I was only his third best
battle partner.
I hope you sit on a pike, I said to Prometheus. I hope next time you
attack a fun-and-easily-killable blind old man your head part falls
off your neck part and lands in Carthage.
There were two biscuits in Philip's lunch bag and Perseus got cooked
meat with spices and Prometheus's cook gave him a lamb's leg that had
been broiled to perfection. Guess whose cook forgot to cook the meat?
It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
That's what it was, because after battle my bodyguards took me to the
armorer and Corba found a small hole just in mine. Come back next week
and I'll fix it, said Corba.
Next week, I said, I'm going to Carthage.
On the way through the forest the thick brush snapped in my face and
while we were waiting for scouts to go get the report, Aristotle made
me fall where it was muddy and when I started to swear because of the
mud Demetrius said I was a Bronze-ager and while I was beating
Demetrius for saying Bronze-ager the scouts came back with the report
and laughed at me for being muddy and fighting.
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day, I told
everybody. No one even saluted.
So then we went to a village to steal some women. Aristotle chose a
white one with brown hair, Demetrius chose a sunburned one with blond
hair. I wanted a freckled one with red hair, but we couldn't find one.
There were none in the village. They made me take a plain old hag with
green hair, but they can't make me um...well.. you know..
When we picked up a general at his tent he said I couldn't play with
his longbow and arrows, but I forgot. He said to watch out for the
maps on his desk, but I was careful as could be except for my sword
hand. He also said don't fool around with his carrier pigeon, but I
think I sent it to Carthage. Thegeneral said please don't pick him up
anymore.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
There was stale bread for dinner and I hate stale bread.
There was flogging on the field and I hate flogging.
My bath was too cold, I got blood in my eyes, my sword fell in the
river, and I had to wear my bronze-age armor. I hate my bronze-age
armor.
When I went to battle Demetrius took back the flail he said I could
keep and the Spartan Warrior (tm) wooden shield snapped apart and I
stubbed my toe.
The horse wants to sleep with Aristotle, not with me.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
The general says some days are like that.
Even in Carthage.
----------------------------
I got the link from the medieval trivia list, and it's here: http://everything2.net/title/Alexander+the+Great+and+the+Terrible%252C+Horrible%252C+No-Good+Very+Bad+Day
done by high school boys (gamers, I believe). For people who like
this, or Weird Al, I also recommend Asterix and Obelix comics.
Alexander the Great and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day
in the style of the children's story Alexander and the Terrible
Horrible No Good Very Bad Day; written for Honors English 11 last year
By William Aoki, Chris Condrat, and Ryan Merril-Johnson
I left the battle with blood in my helmet and now there's blood in my
hair and when I got out of my armor this afternoon I tripped on a dead
solder and by mistake I dropped my sword in the catapult while the
thing was launching and I could tell it was going to be a terrible,
horrible, no good very bad day.
At dinner Aristotle found a fat juicy rabbit in the tall overgrown
grass and Demetrius found a striking young buck in the tall overgrown
grass but in my tall overgrown grass all I found was tall overgrown
grass.
I think I'll move to Carthage.
In the march my bodyguard told Homer to have the left flank. Plato and
Hephestus were told to take the right flank. I said I was being
scrunched. I said I was being smushed. I said if I don't get a place
on a flank I am going to be homicidal. No one even saluted.
I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad
day.
In battle Athena liked the Egyptians' sacrifice of a lamb better than
my sacrifice of the invisible cow. At praising time she said I praised
too quietly. After I was done praying, she said I left out Zeus. Who
needs Zeus? I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no
good very bad day.
I could tell because Prometheus said I wasn't his best battle partner
anymore. He said that Philip was his best battle partner and Hector
was his next best battle partner and that I was only his third best
battle partner.
I hope you sit on a pike, I said to Prometheus. I hope next time you
attack a fun-and-easily-killable blind old man your head part falls
off your neck part and lands in Carthage.
There were two biscuits in Philip's lunch bag and Perseus got cooked
meat with spices and Prometheus's cook gave him a lamb's leg that had
been broiled to perfection. Guess whose cook forgot to cook the meat?
It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
That's what it was, because after battle my bodyguards took me to the
armorer and Corba found a small hole just in mine. Come back next week
and I'll fix it, said Corba.
Next week, I said, I'm going to Carthage.
On the way through the forest the thick brush snapped in my face and
while we were waiting for scouts to go get the report, Aristotle made
me fall where it was muddy and when I started to swear because of the
mud Demetrius said I was a Bronze-ager and while I was beating
Demetrius for saying Bronze-ager the scouts came back with the report
and laughed at me for being muddy and fighting.
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day, I told
everybody. No one even saluted.
So then we went to a village to steal some women. Aristotle chose a
white one with brown hair, Demetrius chose a sunburned one with blond
hair. I wanted a freckled one with red hair, but we couldn't find one.
There were none in the village. They made me take a plain old hag with
green hair, but they can't make me um...well.. you know..
When we picked up a general at his tent he said I couldn't play with
his longbow and arrows, but I forgot. He said to watch out for the
maps on his desk, but I was careful as could be except for my sword
hand. He also said don't fool around with his carrier pigeon, but I
think I sent it to Carthage. Thegeneral said please don't pick him up
anymore.
It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
There was stale bread for dinner and I hate stale bread.
There was flogging on the field and I hate flogging.
My bath was too cold, I got blood in my eyes, my sword fell in the
river, and I had to wear my bronze-age armor. I hate my bronze-age
armor.
When I went to battle Demetrius took back the flail he said I could
keep and the Spartan Warrior (tm) wooden shield snapped apart and I
stubbed my toe.
The horse wants to sleep with Aristotle, not with me.
It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
The general says some days are like that.
Even in Carthage.
----------------------------
I got the link from the medieval trivia list, and it's here: http://everything2.net/title/Alexander+the+Great+and+the+Terrible%252C+Horrible%252C+No-Good+Very+Bad+Day