Yelling and other negitivity
Chrissy
My husband is stuck in a nasty cycle with the boys (5, 3, 1 years old each). He yells, snaps, uses sarcasm, has unrealistic expectations, threatens, and so forth. I suppose compared to many mainstream parents this is normal but i can not stand it! things are so peaceful while he's at work-even on our worst day it's more peaceful than when he's home. he keeps saying controlling things like " you WILL do what i tell you!" and "what gives you the right to tell me NO?!" he has a lot going on personally right now: he was recently estranged from his brother and is on his road to the same with the rest of his family (entirely their doing, i assure you, not his) and between that and finances i know he's at the end of his tether but it has to stop. when ever i try to say anything, redirect him, or try to fix the situation in any way he says i'm "second guessing him" (as though that is a bad thing to begin with)
i am trying to be understanding of his situation. my sister died about six years ago so i can imagine what the loss of his brother feels like but this is affecting the boys too deeply.
I wonder if anyone could suggest an appropriate book, video, or website for him.
god give you joy,
chrissy
i am trying to be understanding of his situation. my sister died about six years ago so i can imagine what the loss of his brother feels like but this is affecting the boys too deeply.
I wonder if anyone could suggest an appropriate book, video, or website for him.
god give you joy,
chrissy
bradj
--- In [email protected], "Chrissy" <EquinoxAutumn@...> wrote:
Brad Jones
> I wonder if anyone could suggest an appropriate book, video, or website for him.Sounds like he is very unhappy being a family man. Ask him bluntly.
>
Brad Jones
Sandra Dodd
-=-Sounds like he is very unhappy being a family man. Ask him bluntly.-
=-
Then what? What if he says, "YES, I'm very unhappy"?
If he seems unhappy, he probably is unhappy.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
=-
Then what? What if he says, "YES, I'm very unhappy"?
If he seems unhappy, he probably is unhappy.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bradj
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
If, however, he does choose to be honest and say yes (providing that is the truth), that would be a major first step towards peace between him and his family. Since 'to admit' your problem is the first step towards recovery.
If that isn't the truth and there is some other problem, it helps to go ahead and rule that out. Then continue the investigation of why he is treating his family this way.
If it really is the problem and he won't admit it at first, I'd imagine asking him about it so bluntly might spark some introspection on his part. If he feels that he can't be honest about it, he probably won't be honest about it. It might relieve some stress on him if he begins to think it actually might be appropriate to be honest about it.
Yes, if that indeed is the problem and he gets the opportunity to admit it, it could spell disaster for the marriage, but it might prevent further mistreatment of his family. Sometimes we have to choose the lesser of two or more evils.
Brad
>I really doubt he'd actually *say* yes, even if that is the truth. Most people think it inappropriate to actually be honest about their feelings, choosing instead to be inwardly bitter about it and then subject the objects of their bitterness to extreme mistreatment.
> -=-Sounds like he is very unhappy being a family man. Ask him bluntly.-
> =-
>
> Then what? What if he says, "YES, I'm very unhappy"?
>
> If he seems unhappy, he probably is unhappy.
If, however, he does choose to be honest and say yes (providing that is the truth), that would be a major first step towards peace between him and his family. Since 'to admit' your problem is the first step towards recovery.
If that isn't the truth and there is some other problem, it helps to go ahead and rule that out. Then continue the investigation of why he is treating his family this way.
If it really is the problem and he won't admit it at first, I'd imagine asking him about it so bluntly might spark some introspection on his part. If he feels that he can't be honest about it, he probably won't be honest about it. It might relieve some stress on him if he begins to think it actually might be appropriate to be honest about it.
Yes, if that indeed is the problem and he gets the opportunity to admit it, it could spell disaster for the marriage, but it might prevent further mistreatment of his family. Sometimes we have to choose the lesser of two or more evils.
Brad
Sandra Dodd
-=-Yes, if that indeed is the problem and he gets the opportunity to
admit it, it could spell disaster for the marriage, but it might
prevent further mistreatment of his family. Sometimes we have to
choose the lesser of two or more evils.-=-
It's too soon to be weighing evils, though. There are counsellors,
and books, and articles, and conferences.
There are discussions a wife could have with a husband before she says
"Are you unhappy being a family man?"
If she doesn't have enough relationship with her husband to discuss
the children with him, she should work on communications, and also on
being a comfort to him, telling him what's GOOD about their day, and
what great things the kids have done. And give him some time to
recover from work. And talking to the kids about what does bug him a
lot and coaching them in ways to avoid that.
I can't imagine saying to one of my teenaged kids "Are you unhappy
being in this family?"
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
admit it, it could spell disaster for the marriage, but it might
prevent further mistreatment of his family. Sometimes we have to
choose the lesser of two or more evils.-=-
It's too soon to be weighing evils, though. There are counsellors,
and books, and articles, and conferences.
There are discussions a wife could have with a husband before she says
"Are you unhappy being a family man?"
If she doesn't have enough relationship with her husband to discuss
the children with him, she should work on communications, and also on
being a comfort to him, telling him what's GOOD about their day, and
what great things the kids have done. And give him some time to
recover from work. And talking to the kids about what does bug him a
lot and coaching them in ways to avoid that.
I can't imagine saying to one of my teenaged kids "Are you unhappy
being in this family?"
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bradj
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
But I must ask, are you saying you couldn't imagine asking your kid if they were unhappy due to the fact that your kids *are* happy and there is no need to ask, or is it because you consider it an issue to avoid completely?
Brad
> I can't imagine saying to one of my teenaged kids "Are you unhappyI was under the impression she had tried multiple other strategies that didn't work, hence her reason for coming here (of course my perception might need periodic adjustments). But I wholeheartedly agree with your advice.
> being in this family?"
>
But I must ask, are you saying you couldn't imagine asking your kid if they were unhappy due to the fact that your kids *are* happy and there is no need to ask, or is it because you consider it an issue to avoid completely?
Brad
Stephanie Doherty
he keeps saying controlling things like " you WILL do what i tell you!" and
"what gives you the right to tell me NO?!" he has a lot going on personally
right now: he was recently estranged from his brother and is on his road to
the same with the rest of his family (entirely their doing, i assure you,
not his) and between that and finances i know he's at the end of his tether
but it has to stop.
How are things going at work? It sounds like he feels as though his life is
spinning out of control, so he is trying to find something he does have
control over. I find this happens from time to time (not as extreme) with
my husband, who is one of the most connected fathers I know. When things
are out of control at work, out of frustration or fatigue, he will try to
control the kids' behavior. I try to diffuse (and he does the same for me
when I am out of line) as best I can and then later when emotions aren't
running so high we talk about what the real issue is and it usually has
little to do with the kids. Can you step in and suggest he go take a walk,
watch tv, lay down, etc. while you deal with the situation and talk it over
with him later when he is in a better place? My husband (or I when I am the
one at fault) will apologize to the kids when he has had a chance to clear
his head.
I don't know if you have tried any of this yet, but if not, it is worth a
shot. Good luck.
"what gives you the right to tell me NO?!" he has a lot going on personally
right now: he was recently estranged from his brother and is on his road to
the same with the rest of his family (entirely their doing, i assure you,
not his) and between that and finances i know he's at the end of his tether
but it has to stop.
How are things going at work? It sounds like he feels as though his life is
spinning out of control, so he is trying to find something he does have
control over. I find this happens from time to time (not as extreme) with
my husband, who is one of the most connected fathers I know. When things
are out of control at work, out of frustration or fatigue, he will try to
control the kids' behavior. I try to diffuse (and he does the same for me
when I am out of line) as best I can and then later when emotions aren't
running so high we talk about what the real issue is and it usually has
little to do with the kids. Can you step in and suggest he go take a walk,
watch tv, lay down, etc. while you deal with the situation and talk it over
with him later when he is in a better place? My husband (or I when I am the
one at fault) will apologize to the kids when he has had a chance to clear
his head.
I don't know if you have tried any of this yet, but if not, it is worth a
shot. Good luck.
On Thu, Oct 8, 2009 at 12:55 PM, bradj <bhmjones@...> wrote:
>
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected] <AlwaysLearning%40yahoogroups.com>,
> Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> > I can't imagine saying to one of my teenaged kids "Are you unhappy
> > being in this family?"
> >
>
> I was under the impression she had tried multiple other strategies that
> didn't work, hence her reason for coming here (of course my perception might
> need periodic adjustments). But I wholeheartedly agree with your advice.
>
> But I must ask, are you saying you couldn't imagine asking your kid if they
> were unhappy due to the fact that your kids *are* happy and there is no need
> to ask, or is it because you consider it an issue to avoid completely?
>
> Brad
>
>
>
--
Steph
Unschooling Mama to Finn, Bryar, Cavan and Emerson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-
But I must ask, are you saying you couldn't imagine asking your kid if
they were unhappy due to the fact that your kids *are* happy and there
is no need to ask, or is it because you consider it an issue to avoid
completely?-=-
When they're unhappy, I know it. All their lives, when they were
unhappy, I tried to figure out ways to make them happier. That's what
partnerships are about, marriages and parent/child.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
But I must ask, are you saying you couldn't imagine asking your kid if
they were unhappy due to the fact that your kids *are* happy and there
is no need to ask, or is it because you consider it an issue to avoid
completely?-=-
When they're unhappy, I know it. All their lives, when they were
unhappy, I tried to figure out ways to make them happier. That's what
partnerships are about, marriages and parent/child.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bradj
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
This I consider a very reasonable mentality. One that the OP here might not have thought about, and one that I certainly did not consider when I first read her post. All I saw was red and immediately became defensive of the wife and children instead of defensive of the family.
I guess the main lesson here then would be that it isn't about punishing people for what they have done wrong, e.g., forcing him to acknowledge mistreating his family and dealing with that, but rather focusing on creating peace and happiness?
Brad
> When they're unhappy, I know it. All their lives, when they wereThanks for providing that ah-ha moment for me, for now I think understand what you mean.
> unhappy, I tried to figure out ways to make them happier. That's what
> partnerships are about, marriages and parent/child.
>
> Sandra
This I consider a very reasonable mentality. One that the OP here might not have thought about, and one that I certainly did not consider when I first read her post. All I saw was red and immediately became defensive of the wife and children instead of defensive of the family.
I guess the main lesson here then would be that it isn't about punishing people for what they have done wrong, e.g., forcing him to acknowledge mistreating his family and dealing with that, but rather focusing on creating peace and happiness?
Brad
Sandra Dodd
-=I guess the main lesson here then would be that it isn't about
punishing people for what they have done wrong, e.g., forcing him to
acknowledge mistreating his family and dealing with that, but rather
focusing on creating peace and happiness?-=-
Not "a lesson," but otherwise yes!
The peace and happiness will help the dad and the kids and the dog and
the houseplants, probably. <g> And the neighbors and the mailman.
When a kid or a dad is being hard and hurtful, he's hurting himself,
too. When a mom is saying "NO" too much, she's hurting her kids' joy
and their futures and their likelihood of being thoughtful and
trusting, but she's also turning herself more and more toward the dark
side of being mean and negative and non-compassionate. I wouldn't
start off saying that to the dad in question either, but if the rest
of the family is sweeter, he'll be sweeter, and when he and the mom
start seeing progress in her kids toward learning naturally, they can
talk about what would make that work even better.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
punishing people for what they have done wrong, e.g., forcing him to
acknowledge mistreating his family and dealing with that, but rather
focusing on creating peace and happiness?-=-
Not "a lesson," but otherwise yes!
The peace and happiness will help the dad and the kids and the dog and
the houseplants, probably. <g> And the neighbors and the mailman.
When a kid or a dad is being hard and hurtful, he's hurting himself,
too. When a mom is saying "NO" too much, she's hurting her kids' joy
and their futures and their likelihood of being thoughtful and
trusting, but she's also turning herself more and more toward the dark
side of being mean and negative and non-compassionate. I wouldn't
start off saying that to the dad in question either, but if the rest
of the family is sweeter, he'll be sweeter, and when he and the mom
start seeing progress in her kids toward learning naturally, they can
talk about what would make that work even better.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-he keeps saying controlling things like " you WILL do what i tell
you!" and
"what gives you the right to tell me NO?!" he has a lot going on
personally
right now: he was recently estranged from his brother and is on his
road to
the same with the rest of his family (entirely their doing, i assure
you,
not his) and between that and finances i know he's at the end of his
tether
but it has to stop.-=-
Are you new to the idea of unschooling? Have you shared it with him?
Is he afraid of the kids not being in school? Is he not sure he wants
to unschool?
For a mom to make a decision to unschooling when the dad doesn't get
it or doesn't trust her judgment on something like that is as bad as
the mom changing religions and expecting the dad to just follow her to
the weekly meetings. Worse, probably, because the "Meetings" are
constant. <g>
Build up to it by keeping track of very cool things the kids do and
share them with him sometimes. One a day is enough. Not an
overwhelming list. Something to indicate progress is a very cool
direction.
Maybe go with the idea that everyone needs to feel safe, even safe
from siblings and parents. Maybe you could discuss that. But gently.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
you!" and
"what gives you the right to tell me NO?!" he has a lot going on
personally
right now: he was recently estranged from his brother and is on his
road to
the same with the rest of his family (entirely their doing, i assure
you,
not his) and between that and finances i know he's at the end of his
tether
but it has to stop.-=-
Are you new to the idea of unschooling? Have you shared it with him?
Is he afraid of the kids not being in school? Is he not sure he wants
to unschool?
For a mom to make a decision to unschooling when the dad doesn't get
it or doesn't trust her judgment on something like that is as bad as
the mom changing religions and expecting the dad to just follow her to
the weekly meetings. Worse, probably, because the "Meetings" are
constant. <g>
Build up to it by keeping track of very cool things the kids do and
share them with him sometimes. One a day is enough. Not an
overwhelming list. Something to indicate progress is a very cool
direction.
Maybe go with the idea that everyone needs to feel safe, even safe
from siblings and parents. Maybe you could discuss that. But gently.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Laura Flynn Endres
>>>>I wouldn'tstart off saying that to the dad in question either, but if the rest
of the family is sweeter, he'll be sweeter, and when he and the mom
start seeing progress in her kids toward learning naturally, they can
talk about what would make that work even better.
>>>>In the earlier years, when this very thing was more of an issue in our house, it helped when I finally realized that my husband wanted to feel peaceful too, but he was over-tired and frustrated and had ideas of 'how kids should behave' that got in the way of him being able to be peaceful. What worked for us is I actually ended up making a deal with my husband - a verbal arrangement, discussed *not* in the heat of the moment, but at another time - that if he was feeling especially angry or short-tempered he could tell me and I'd talk to the kids about being quieter so he could rest, or whatever, because in that moment I wasn't feeling angry or short-tempered, and I could talk to them in a way that was less threatening for the kids.
In our marriage, my husband is the one who focuses on financial aspects - mostly because he is the almost-only source of income, and because he understands it better. He pretty much makes money decisions, and when he asks me not to spend anything extra in a particular month because finances are tighter for whatever reason, I don't argue or resist, I trust and don't spend anything extra, or make sure I discuss any expenditure with him to see if it was do-able. In the same way, because I'm the one home with the kids and the one delving into unschooling philosophy, I've asked him to trust me in making those kinds of decisions, and sometimes that means acting as a go-between so that he can get what he needs without having to worry about how to get it. He can go to his room and be ouchy, and I'll see what I can do to create a peaceful house in that moment.
As time went on, he learned how to do less reactive stuff and calm himself before interacting with the kids, and even realized he didn't need to be angry or frustrated at all, and things could get better anyhow. But that was because I offered to be his buffer and the kids' buffer, which gave him time and space to work things through for himself.
Eventually seeing that I could be peaceful with the kids and they'd actually want to contribute to his peacefulness was very affirming for him. I don't have to act as intermediary anymore.
Sometimes just telling the kids that dad had an especially rough day and could use a little extra love and quiet, is all it takes.
It sounds to me like the original poster's husband has a lot going on right now, big things. I understand her frustration and worry, and I also feel for the pain her husband must be in.
Laura
*~*~*~*~*
"Keep company with those who make you better." ~ English saying
*~*~*~*~*
www.piscesgrrrl.blogspot.com
*~*~*~*~*
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Laura Flynn Endres
>>>Build up to it by keeping track of very cool things the kids do andshare them with him sometimes. One a day is enough. Not an
overwhelming list. Something to indicate progress is a very cool
direction.
>>>And maybe you could see to it that you and your kids do some fun, high-energy activities during the day or hours before he gets home so they're more tired and less noisy when he is home. I know it was hard for my husband to come home tired and find ramped-up kids with boundless energy. When my kids have had a full day of activity, or some fresh air or whatever, their energy level at dinner time was more likely to match my husband's and things went more smoothly. I used to put in a video right before my husband got home. Or I'd ask if they wanted to read stories right then, so we'd be snuggled up and quiet and reading when dad arrived. Maybe that would be a good time to suggest a bath, or drawing, or playing in a room that isn't right under foot. These kinds of things might help in the transition time.
When he gets home, ask how his day went. Make him a cup of tea. Say "Yay, Dad's home!" and give him a big hug. Stop what you're doing and give him some attention. Little things can mean a lot after a long, frustrating day.
I talked directly to my kids about what made it easier for their dad to transition. It took my husband years to verbalize that he felt badly that when he got home, everyone was so busy doing what they were doing they couldn't pause long enough to greet him. He felt left out. We also realized that noisier activities are better when dad's gone, quieter activities better when dad's home or resting. Those are things they were happy to do for him, when explained why.
I'd think first, work to make the house more peaceful. Then, once he's feeling calmer, you might be able to address the way he interacts with the kids.
Laura
*~*~*~*~*
"Keep company with those who make you better." ~ English saying
*~*~*~*~*
www.piscesgrrrl.blogspot.com
*~*~*~*~*
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
carnationsgalore
> If she doesn't have enough relationship with her husband to discussYes, it's better to talk with a spouse when everything is calm, and not in the moment of anger and yelling. In this case, the spouse is already angry so trying to talk rationally might induce him to become very defensive. That leads to more frustration, anger and yelling.
> the children with him, she should work on communications, and also
> on being a comfort to him, telling him what's GOOD about their day,
> and what great things the kids have done. And give him some time to
> recover from work.
The OP doesn't say what time of day this is occurring. Is it every day? Is it after he gets home from work? Is it all evening after he gets home from work? I think finding the pattern can be helpful. If indeed there is a pattern, the OP can have the children doing something else rather than be in the line of fire, so to speak.
Beth M.
John and Amanda Slater
I'd think first, work to make the house more peaceful. Then, once he's feeling calmer, you might be able to address the way he interacts with the kids.
***Speaking of making the house more peaceful, thinking about the condition the house is in when he gets home. Can all the doors be opened? Can he make it through the living room? Do you have dinner made, or a plan and all the ingredients? A favorite desert?
I know when John is stressed, a cleaner house is important to him. Not perfection, but enough to walk through easily.
AmandaEli 8, Samuel 6
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
***Speaking of making the house more peaceful, thinking about the condition the house is in when he gets home. Can all the doors be opened? Can he make it through the living room? Do you have dinner made, or a plan and all the ingredients? A favorite desert?
I know when John is stressed, a cleaner house is important to him. Not perfection, but enough to walk through easily.
AmandaEli 8, Samuel 6
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
C Johnson
I don't know if you husband is open to this or not, but when my significant other is dealing with our children in a way I feel is taking it too far, rude, inappropriote, etc.. we have a codeword, muskrat, like on Meet the Fockers. This is a nice way of telling him he's getting a little carried away instead of doing something he feels is undermining him in front of our children.
BB,
Chrissie
"All you have to decide is what to do with the time you have been given." Gandalf
BB,
Chrissie
"All you have to decide is what to do with the time you have been given." Gandalf
--- On Thu, 10/8/09, Chrissy <EquinoxAutumn@...> wrote:
From: Chrissy <EquinoxAutumn@...>
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Yelling and other negitivity
To: [email protected]
Date: Thursday, October 8, 2009, 8:21 AM
My husband is stuck in a nasty cycle with the boys (5, 3, 1 years old each). He yells, snaps, uses sarcasm, has unrealistic expectations, threatens, and so forth. I suppose compared to many mainstream parents this is normal but i can not stand it! things are so peaceful while he's at work-even on our worst day it's more peaceful than when he's home. he keeps saying controlling things like " you WILL do what i tell you!" and "what gives you the right to tell me NO?!" he has a lot going on personally right now: he was recently estranged from his brother and is on his road to the same with the rest of his family (entirely their doing, i assure you, not his) and between that and finances i know he's at the end of his tether but it has to stop. when ever i try to say anything, redirect him, or try to fix the situation in any way he says i'm "second guessing him" (as though that is a bad thing to begin with)
i am trying to be understanding of his situation. my sister died about six years ago so i can imagine what the loss of his brother feels like but this is affecting the boys too deeply.
I wonder if anyone could suggest an appropriate book, video, or website for him.
god give you joy,
chrissy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Chrissy
WOW! i didn't expect responses like this, i guess i wasn't clear. My husband adores his boys, which makes it all the more frustrating. If he were just a bad husband and father who didn't care it would be hard to go on at all, but it's just the opposite. He has selfish, controlling, manipulative, emotionally stunted parents (to say the least) and way more going on aside from us than he can handle. I know he's unhappy, how could he not be, right? I do however appreciate that you came to my and my children's defense!
--- In [email protected], "bradj" <bhmjones@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> --- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@> wrote:
>
> > When they're unhappy, I know it. All their lives, when they were
> > unhappy, I tried to figure out ways to make them happier. That's what
> > partnerships are about, marriages and parent/child.
> >
> > Sandra
>
> Thanks for providing that ah-ha moment for me, for now I think understand what you mean.
>
> This I consider a very reasonable mentality. One that the OP here might not have thought about, and one that I certainly did not consider when I first read her post. All I saw was red and immediately became defensive of the wife and children instead of defensive of the family.
>
> I guess the main lesson here then would be that it isn't about punishing people for what they have done wrong, e.g., forcing him to acknowledge mistreating his family and dealing with that, but rather focusing on creating peace and happiness?
>
> Brad
>
Chrissy
"Are you new to the idea of unschooling? Have you shared it with him?
> Is he afraid of the kids not being in school? "he is terrified! i must say i am still a tiny bit too! not that unschooling can't work but more can i make unschooling work...it is mostly beginner's nerves for me as our oldest is 5. i just can't get him to sit down and read about it and he's not getting it when i describe the concept. I think i am going to read articles from sandradodd.com (as he's totally auditory) this weekend. I also just received rue kream's book in the mail today and it looks like the kind of book he'll enjoy too!
Chrissy
> The OP doesn't say what time of day this is occurring. Is it every day? Is it after he gets home from work? Is it all evening after he gets home from work? I think finding the pattern can be helpful.i never thought about it but it is worse evenings after work!
Chrissy
Wow, you guys! Thanks for such a great response! i was trying to answer them all but WOW! I mean they all seem like such simple answers and i almost feel dumb for not thinking of it myself but it's so hard to step away sometimes. I have been trying to not react negatively but you have all brought up so many proactive things i hadn't thought of. I bet he would like more attention from me when he gets home and he hates how messy the house gets and i almost NEVER have dinner ready!!
I think he handled all of those small things fine before all of the big things came down on him. I will try to focus on those small things and help him feel less like his world is spinning out of his control.
As far as his fear of unschooling, that may be almost as difficult as bringing him back to peaceful parenting but i am going to start reading articles to him and maybe that will get him feeling more in control also. I guess if he feels more in control of that aspect of our lives he may be less apathetic where it is concerned and maybe take some initiative and research and explore!
Seriously, thank you all! I am so glad I found you! Now if only some of you lived here in our part of ohio!
God give you joy,
Chrissy
I think he handled all of those small things fine before all of the big things came down on him. I will try to focus on those small things and help him feel less like his world is spinning out of his control.
As far as his fear of unschooling, that may be almost as difficult as bringing him back to peaceful parenting but i am going to start reading articles to him and maybe that will get him feeling more in control also. I guess if he feels more in control of that aspect of our lives he may be less apathetic where it is concerned and maybe take some initiative and research and explore!
Seriously, thank you all! I am so glad I found you! Now if only some of you lived here in our part of ohio!
God give you joy,
Chrissy
Sandra Dodd
-= I do however appreciate that you came to my and my children's
defense! -=-
We didn't. We're just discussing the ideas.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
defense! -=-
We didn't. We're just discussing the ideas.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-As far as his fear of unschooling, that may be almost as difficult
as bringing him back to peaceful parenting but i am going to start
reading articles to him and maybe that will get him feeling more in
control also. -=-
Here's something I wrote when someone was asking me about The Big Book
of Unschooling:
------------------------------------------------
You have 3 children, including 2 completely unschooled boys. How/why
do you think unschooling is beneficial for boys?
Many men work around their childhood shame and trauma, or take years
untangling and overcoming it. Some men live with it every day,
thinking it's just a natural part of everyone's life. Some are timid;
some are bullies If their parents could have planned ahead to avoid
shame and trauma, how much calmer and creative and courageous might
their sons have been? There are inevitable sorrows enough without
parents creating them. There are obstacles enough in life without
parents setting them purposely or carelessly. Young men who will thank
their mothers and hug their dads and who want to come home when they
have the option do not come from harsh, traditional, punitive
parenting. If their mothers have been their allies and supporters
rather than their owners and bosses, life is different. If their
fathers have been their counsellors and partners rather than their
trainers and overseers, those boys can grow up whole, in peace and
confidence.
------------------------------------------------
The rest of it is here:
http://bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com/2009/10/books-for-boys-sandra-dodds-big-book-of.html
Sandra
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as bringing him back to peaceful parenting but i am going to start
reading articles to him and maybe that will get him feeling more in
control also. -=-
Here's something I wrote when someone was asking me about The Big Book
of Unschooling:
------------------------------------------------
You have 3 children, including 2 completely unschooled boys. How/why
do you think unschooling is beneficial for boys?
Many men work around their childhood shame and trauma, or take years
untangling and overcoming it. Some men live with it every day,
thinking it's just a natural part of everyone's life. Some are timid;
some are bullies If their parents could have planned ahead to avoid
shame and trauma, how much calmer and creative and courageous might
their sons have been? There are inevitable sorrows enough without
parents creating them. There are obstacles enough in life without
parents setting them purposely or carelessly. Young men who will thank
their mothers and hug their dads and who want to come home when they
have the option do not come from harsh, traditional, punitive
parenting. If their mothers have been their allies and supporters
rather than their owners and bosses, life is different. If their
fathers have been their counsellors and partners rather than their
trainers and overseers, those boys can grow up whole, in peace and
confidence.
------------------------------------------------
The rest of it is here:
http://bloggingboutboys.blogspot.com/2009/10/books-for-boys-sandra-dodds-big-book-of.html
Sandra
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Sandra Dodd
-=Seriously, thank you all! I am so glad I found you! Now if only some
of you lived here in our part of ohio!-=-
http://www.ugo.unschoolgathering.com/
Is Sandusky, Ohio in your range? There's a big waterpark conference
in February. If you register this month, it's the best deal.
Sandra
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of you lived here in our part of ohio!-=-
http://www.ugo.unschoolgathering.com/
Is Sandusky, Ohio in your range? There's a big waterpark conference
in February. If you register this month, it's the best deal.
Sandra
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bradj
--- In [email protected], "Chrissy" <EquinoxAutumn@...> wrote:
I'd love it for you to report back to us his reaction the very first time he comes home to this.
Brad Jones
> snip... i am going to start reading articles to himI don't know if you plan on asking him if he wants you to read this stuff to him or not, but I think it advisable to do so because he might not desire you to read it to him, at least until you deal with all the other stresses in his life, e.g., messy house, no dinner, etc etc.
I'd love it for you to report back to us his reaction the very first time he comes home to this.
Brad Jones
Sandra Dodd
-=he is terrified! i must say i am still a tiny bit too! not that
unschooling can't work but more can i make unschooling work...it is
mostly beginner's nerves for me as our oldest is 5.-=-
Then put unschooling on the slow road and family happiness and
togetherness on the Must Do list. It will help unschooling.
Sandra
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unschooling can't work but more can i make unschooling work...it is
mostly beginner's nerves for me as our oldest is 5.-=-
Then put unschooling on the slow road and family happiness and
togetherness on the Must Do list. It will help unschooling.
Sandra
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Sandra Dodd
-=I think i am going to read articles from sandradodd.com (as he's
totally auditory) this weekend.-=-
Maybe, possibly, get some things onto a CD or iPod that he can listen
to in the car and don't even be around for it.
http://sandradodd.com/listen
Peaceful Parenting would be good if he doesn't mind Buddhist ideas.
Mindful Parenting (me and Ren) might be fun.
Sandra
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totally auditory) this weekend.-=-
Maybe, possibly, get some things onto a CD or iPod that he can listen
to in the car and don't even be around for it.
http://sandradodd.com/listen
Peaceful Parenting would be good if he doesn't mind Buddhist ideas.
Mindful Parenting (me and Ren) might be fun.
Sandra
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BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Arun has a post in his blog about dads that is pretty good:
http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
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http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
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Robyn L. Coburn
<<<< i just can't get him to sit down and read about it and he's not
getting it when i describe the concept. I think i am going to read articles
from sandradodd.com (as he's totally auditory) this weekend. >>>>>
Speaking as the wife of someone who prefers words that shine from a screen
to print, and tends to take reading suggestions as personal criticism....
Short snippets quoted in short emails...
Brief success stories about kids that strike you as similar in personality
to yours ....
Links rather than whole articles...
....after you have given him a nice footrub.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
getting it when i describe the concept. I think i am going to read articles
from sandradodd.com (as he's totally auditory) this weekend. >>>>>
Speaking as the wife of someone who prefers words that shine from a screen
to print, and tends to take reading suggestions as personal criticism....
Short snippets quoted in short emails...
Brief success stories about kids that strike you as similar in personality
to yours ....
Links rather than whole articles...
....after you have given him a nice footrub.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
carnationsgalore
> WOW! i didn't expect responses like this, i guess i wasn't clear.I can't speak for others, but I didn't interpret your post as a complaint that your husband isn't a good father. I see him in a bad moment of his life, like he's wearing dark glasses and seeing everything through a frustrating haze. The truth is that the attitudes and behavior from his family shouldn't play a part in him becoming a peaceful person. Oh it certainly won't be easy. He's probably as lots of issues to face. He can blame and make excuses, but change happens when we face those challenges and realize them for what they are, obstacles that we don't have to butt our heads against.
> My husband adores his boys, which makes it all the more
> frustrating. If he were just a bad husband and father who didn't
> care it would be hard to go on at all, but it's just the opposite.
I struggled with some of those issues myself. It was really hard for me to finally admit that my attitude and behavior were choices, even if I was not actively making those choices. Because of the way I grew up, my attitude was stuck on auto-pilot. Once I started seeing and understanding a more peaceful life, my ties with my family became even more strained. They saw my decisions as challenging theirs because I wasn't living the way they do. However, my new attitude kept me calm during rough times and eventually my family backed down and wrote me off as an unthinking, uncaring, and harming to my children. Even though I have a fabulous relationship with my children, and they don't, they consider themselves normal and me abnormal. I think they are anticipating the crap hitting the fan when my fantasy world collapses. I still like to think that my attitude will rub off on them at some point. For now, I quit playing their games. I don't let guilt me away from my peaceful life.
Beth M.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I think they are anticipating the crap hitting the fan when my
fantasy world collapses.-=-
I have friends like that. They've been holding their breath with a
"She'll see, won't she..." kind of "knowledgeable" attitude. Some are
childless. Some have kids who launched themselves as far as possible
as soon as possible, or in one case, the daughter mousily works where
her mom works and doesn't communicate directly with anyone when
they're together in public, even though she's 23 or 24. She didn't
start off that way, but years of "no," and "be quiet" and "you don't
know what you're talking about" took their toll.
I have one friend I love dearly who's known me since Kirby wasn't born
yet. He's harsh with his kids. We try not to talk about punishments
(his) or courageous tales of trust (mine), but he knows and I know
that we're running parallel and will not meet. He's pretty sure his
kids will be "successful." But he **LOVES** my kids and says the
most glowing, mushy things to and about them, and has them housesit
for him and pays them well and thanks them profusely. I'm sure he
considers it genetics and that they're just like the things he likes
about me and Keith. In part that might be true, but he gives no
credit to the way they were parented, as far as I can tell.
Sandra
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fantasy world collapses.-=-
I have friends like that. They've been holding their breath with a
"She'll see, won't she..." kind of "knowledgeable" attitude. Some are
childless. Some have kids who launched themselves as far as possible
as soon as possible, or in one case, the daughter mousily works where
her mom works and doesn't communicate directly with anyone when
they're together in public, even though she's 23 or 24. She didn't
start off that way, but years of "no," and "be quiet" and "you don't
know what you're talking about" took their toll.
I have one friend I love dearly who's known me since Kirby wasn't born
yet. He's harsh with his kids. We try not to talk about punishments
(his) or courageous tales of trust (mine), but he knows and I know
that we're running parallel and will not meet. He's pretty sure his
kids will be "successful." But he **LOVES** my kids and says the
most glowing, mushy things to and about them, and has them housesit
for him and pays them well and thanks them profusely. I'm sure he
considers it genetics and that they're just like the things he likes
about me and Keith. In part that might be true, but he gives no
credit to the way they were parented, as far as I can tell.
Sandra
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