rich lives for shy children
vespertine_nsw
Hi again group. This is the third discussion opened by me in a short time, I hope I am not bombarding everyone with too much too soon, I'm just so passionate and full of questions right now!
I have a shy 4 year old son, Eli. Well, I don't know if shy is quite the word. He is extremely uncomfortable in crowds/groups of strangers and takes a long time to warm up to people, but he is NOT shy with people he knows well, such as family and close friends! In fact he is quite the entertainer, very chatty and funny!
In respect of his shyness with new folk, though, I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by him here. We have a play-meet with a group of Mums and kids once a week, and I *really* enjoy it, as it's really the only time I have to connect with adult friends (we've recently moved city so don't know anyone here.) But because the group is fairly new, Eli is anxious about going, and spends the morning as we're getting ready to go, saying things like ''I won't want to go, I just want to stay home with you!''
I would like to continue going to the group in hope he will warm up to the other children and have fun. And because I enjoy it too(when he isn't complaining that he wants to leave). But without knowing how long it will take, I'm not sure whether to continue.
I was also wondering, because the people in our lives are part of what makes life so rich and colurful, how do we help create rich lives for shy children? I'm sure Eli would be happy if he never had to be introduced to a stranger again! Sometimes it almost seems he is physically in pain from his shyness so I don't feel inclined to take him to many social groups at all. But of course once he gets to know people, he adores them, and learns so much from them.
Look forward to hearing your feedback,
Kerrie in Australia.
I have a shy 4 year old son, Eli. Well, I don't know if shy is quite the word. He is extremely uncomfortable in crowds/groups of strangers and takes a long time to warm up to people, but he is NOT shy with people he knows well, such as family and close friends! In fact he is quite the entertainer, very chatty and funny!
In respect of his shyness with new folk, though, I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by him here. We have a play-meet with a group of Mums and kids once a week, and I *really* enjoy it, as it's really the only time I have to connect with adult friends (we've recently moved city so don't know anyone here.) But because the group is fairly new, Eli is anxious about going, and spends the morning as we're getting ready to go, saying things like ''I won't want to go, I just want to stay home with you!''
I would like to continue going to the group in hope he will warm up to the other children and have fun. And because I enjoy it too(when he isn't complaining that he wants to leave). But without knowing how long it will take, I'm not sure whether to continue.
I was also wondering, because the people in our lives are part of what makes life so rich and colurful, how do we help create rich lives for shy children? I'm sure Eli would be happy if he never had to be introduced to a stranger again! Sometimes it almost seems he is physically in pain from his shyness so I don't feel inclined to take him to many social groups at all. But of course once he gets to know people, he adores them, and learns so much from them.
Look forward to hearing your feedback,
Kerrie in Australia.
Angela Shaw
I had two kids who sound a lot like your son. We did not do group
gatherings for a long time because of it. (tried and stopped because it
wasn't worth it to me) If you would like to continue the group, I would
suggest inviting one of the children over for a play date at your house
where he can get to know them on a one on one basis. If he makes a good
connection with one or more of the kids on his own terms, he MAY be more
likely to enjoy going to the group to hang out with that one child. My kids
at ages 12 and 14 sometimes enjoy group gatherings now but only certain ones
at that. They are a lot like me in that way. I'd much rather visit with
1-3 people at a time rather than a large group. I'm easily overwhelmed.
If that suggestion doesn't work, I personally wouldn't force him to go. You
can instead invite the families over one at a time and enjoy their company
that way.
Angela Shaw
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
gatherings for a long time because of it. (tried and stopped because it
wasn't worth it to me) If you would like to continue the group, I would
suggest inviting one of the children over for a play date at your house
where he can get to know them on a one on one basis. If he makes a good
connection with one or more of the kids on his own terms, he MAY be more
likely to enjoy going to the group to hang out with that one child. My kids
at ages 12 and 14 sometimes enjoy group gatherings now but only certain ones
at that. They are a lot like me in that way. I'd much rather visit with
1-3 people at a time rather than a large group. I'm easily overwhelmed.
If that suggestion doesn't work, I personally wouldn't force him to go. You
can instead invite the families over one at a time and enjoy their company
that way.
Angela Shaw
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bernadette Lynn
2009/9/16 vespertine_nsw kezzdee@...
him and enjoy it with him, or do you sit with the adults and chat while he's
left to play and make friends on his own?
It's possible he wants to stay home with you because he doesn't experience
the play-meet as something he *does with you*, but as a rather scary strange
place where he's left to his own devices while you do something else. I'd
sit down on the floor with him and play with him, finding ways for him to
include other children in your games when appropriate. Make the play-meet a
happy, fun, comfortable place for him and he'll want to go. Make playing
with other children fun and interesting and he'll find it easier to overcome
his shyness and play with them.
If you do that already it may be that the group situation is what he finds
overwhelming, in which case try inviting one or two of them around for a
couple of hours, or arrange to meet up in a park or playground. Maybe let
him make friendships in less crowded circumstances and return to the
play-meet when more people are familiar to him.
Bernadette.
--
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/U15459
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>How do you react to your son when you are at the play-meet? Do you play with
> In respect of his shyness with new folk, though, I'm not sure if I'm doing
> the right thing by him here. We have a play-meet with a group of Mums and
> kids once a week, and I *really* enjoy it, as it's really the only time I
> have to connect with adult friends (we've recently moved city so don't know
> anyone here.) But because the group is fairly new, Eli is anxious about
> going, and spends the morning as we're getting ready to go, saying things
> like ''I won't want to go, I just want to stay home with you!''
>
him and enjoy it with him, or do you sit with the adults and chat while he's
left to play and make friends on his own?
It's possible he wants to stay home with you because he doesn't experience
the play-meet as something he *does with you*, but as a rather scary strange
place where he's left to his own devices while you do something else. I'd
sit down on the floor with him and play with him, finding ways for him to
include other children in your games when appropriate. Make the play-meet a
happy, fun, comfortable place for him and he'll want to go. Make playing
with other children fun and interesting and he'll find it easier to overcome
his shyness and play with them.
If you do that already it may be that the group situation is what he finds
overwhelming, in which case try inviting one or two of them around for a
couple of hours, or arrange to meet up in a park or playground. Maybe let
him make friendships in less crowded circumstances and return to the
play-meet when more people are familiar to him.
Bernadette.
--
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/U15459
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
Angela's suggestions are good ones. Don't force him. Maybe you
could compromise on the second hour and not the whole get-togehter.
and play with a gameboy or something? Some of our park kids would be
car dwellers sometimes, or for a while, or if they just weren't
feeling good.
Maybe every other week you could go, rather than thinking of always or
never.
Sandra
could compromise on the second hour and not the whole get-togehter.
and play with a gameboy or something? Some of our park kids would be
car dwellers sometimes, or for a while, or if they just weren't
feeling good.
Maybe every other week you could go, rather than thinking of always or
never.
Sandra
Sandra Dodd
-=-
It's possible he wants to stay home with you because he doesn't
experience
the play-meet as something he *does with you*, but as a rather scary
strange
place where he's left to his own devices while you do something else.
I'd
sit down on the floor with him and play with him, finding ways for him
to
include other children in your games when appropriate. Make the play-
meet a
happy, fun, comfortable place for him and he'll want to go. Make playing
with other children fun and interesting and he'll find it easier to
overcome
his shyness and play with them.-=-
Good questions!
If you really totally need to hang out with the other moms, maybe
leave him with a relative or babysitter, or take a babysitter kid with
you and pay her to play with your son and interface for him.
Some moms would probably spend more time with their kids or other kids
if one mom would just do it first. The happier the kids are, the
easier it will be for moms to visit when they need to. If the moms
claim the "right" to visit the whole time and ignore the kids, the
kids won't be as happy and the visiting will be interrupted a lot (at
best) and will lead to bad mothering, at worst.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It's possible he wants to stay home with you because he doesn't
experience
the play-meet as something he *does with you*, but as a rather scary
strange
place where he's left to his own devices while you do something else.
I'd
sit down on the floor with him and play with him, finding ways for him
to
include other children in your games when appropriate. Make the play-
meet a
happy, fun, comfortable place for him and he'll want to go. Make playing
with other children fun and interesting and he'll find it easier to
overcome
his shyness and play with them.-=-
Good questions!
If you really totally need to hang out with the other moms, maybe
leave him with a relative or babysitter, or take a babysitter kid with
you and pay her to play with your son and interface for him.
Some moms would probably spend more time with their kids or other kids
if one mom would just do it first. The happier the kids are, the
easier it will be for moms to visit when they need to. If the moms
claim the "right" to visit the whole time and ignore the kids, the
kids won't be as happy and the visiting will be interrupted a lot (at
best) and will lead to bad mothering, at worst.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
Sometimes at our park days some Moms play on the playground with the kids. Sometimes I have had wonderful conversations with other Moms one on one while we push our kids on the swings. I absolutely LOVE parkday. Your little man is young and I am sure he needs you close by right now. If he has a gameboy maybe he would like to sit on your lap and watch a video on it while you visit. One of my sons does not like crowds at all. I allowed him to bring a book and he would just sit and read all day. Then some of the other kids made it their mission to get him up and hanging out with them. I love to see him coming out of his shell. Try to make it comfortable for him and he may enjoy it so much more and so will you.
tiffani
tiffani
----- Original Message -----
From: "Sandra Dodd" <Sandra@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2009 5:35:23 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] rich lives for shy children
-=-
It's possible he wants to stay home with you because he doesn't
experience
the play-meet as something he *does with you*, but as a rather scary
strange
place where he's left to his own devices while you do something else.
I'd
sit down on the floor with him and play with him, finding ways for him
to
include other children in your games when appropriate. Make the play-
meet a
happy, fun, comfortable place for him and he'll want to go. Make playing
with other children fun and interesting and he'll find it easier to
overcome
his shyness and play with them.-=-
Good questions!
If you really totally need to hang out with the other moms, maybe
leave him with a relative or babysitter, or take a babysitter kid with
you and pay her to play with your son and interface for him.
Some moms would probably spend more time with their kids or other kids
if one mom would just do it first. The happier the kids are, the
easier it will be for moms to visit when they need to. If the moms
claim the "right" to visit the whole time and ignore the kids, the
kids won't be as happy and the visiting will be interrupted a lot (at
best) and will lead to bad mothering, at worst.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mel
Hi All,
A quick intro.... I'm Mel and have always lived the unschooling life with my husband and our two sons, ages 7 and 5. I'm so glad to have found this list! [As an aside, Sandra, your web site has helped me through some hard times. Thanks!]
Anyway, if I may weigh in on the following:
Peace,
Mel
in Canada
A quick intro.... I'm Mel and have always lived the unschooling life with my husband and our two sons, ages 7 and 5. I'm so glad to have found this list! [As an aside, Sandra, your web site has helped me through some hard times. Thanks!]
Anyway, if I may weigh in on the following:
> I was also wondering, because the people in our lives are part of what makes life so rich and colurful, how do we help create rich lives for shy children?I think the richness simply starts with your love. A rich life for a shy child may not involve many people at this time in their life. It may involve hours with you on the floor creating a tiny world filled with clay people, or lego creations, or whatever fascinates your son. In our particular corner of the world, we are in the country, often with no vehicle to get into town. We don't really spend a lot of time right now at groups. We do spend hours listening to classical music while sprawling on the lawn, playing with toads (weird combo, I know). There are outside people of various ages in our sons' lives, but not many. The boys are almost always happy. I know that one day as the boys grow older, more people will enter the picture. Until the outside colourful people mix in to our days, we'll enjoy all the beauty and adventures around us. This is just one family's perspective.
>
Peace,
Mel
in Canada
Allyson
I was a painfully shy child and I know that what made it worse for me at
that age was when my mom or others would put me on the spot saying things
like "why are you so shy?" or "Did the cat get your tongue" and other things
implying that my shyness was bad or wrong. I know I would have had a lot
less anxiety about meeting new people if I didn't have to worry about that!
I think your child is still getting benefits from just being around others
even if he's not interacting with them right away. Are you a shy person?
Do you tend to go off on your own? I know I make it a point to remain
engaged when I'm with my mom friends and my daughter is around so she can
see it's okay (this is REALLY hard for me to do since I am very introverted
so it's been a good learning experience for me as well) but she is still one
of the only ones in her playgroup who goes off and plays by herself when all
the others usually stay in the same vicinity of each other (even if they
aren't interacting...they're still kind of young for that at 18 months).
She's still having fun doing her own thing and I do watch to see she is
observing the others and I'm sure learning something from them.
I agree with the other poster who said to bring one child from the playgroup
over to your home for playdates so he can warm up to them one at a time.
But, I think I would still go to the playgroup as well and when you get
there just do what you can to make him comfortable, even if it means sitting
and playing with him on the floor while you talk to your friends. Just be
mindful of what kind of comments are made towards him and his shyness.
Just my two cents from a former shy/uncomfortable kid!
Ally
that age was when my mom or others would put me on the spot saying things
like "why are you so shy?" or "Did the cat get your tongue" and other things
implying that my shyness was bad or wrong. I know I would have had a lot
less anxiety about meeting new people if I didn't have to worry about that!
I think your child is still getting benefits from just being around others
even if he's not interacting with them right away. Are you a shy person?
Do you tend to go off on your own? I know I make it a point to remain
engaged when I'm with my mom friends and my daughter is around so she can
see it's okay (this is REALLY hard for me to do since I am very introverted
so it's been a good learning experience for me as well) but she is still one
of the only ones in her playgroup who goes off and plays by herself when all
the others usually stay in the same vicinity of each other (even if they
aren't interacting...they're still kind of young for that at 18 months).
She's still having fun doing her own thing and I do watch to see she is
observing the others and I'm sure learning something from them.
I agree with the other poster who said to bring one child from the playgroup
over to your home for playdates so he can warm up to them one at a time.
But, I think I would still go to the playgroup as well and when you get
there just do what you can to make him comfortable, even if it means sitting
and playing with him on the floor while you talk to your friends. Just be
mindful of what kind of comments are made towards him and his shyness.
Just my two cents from a former shy/uncomfortable kid!
Ally
On Wed, Sep 16, 2009 at 5:25 PM, vespertine_nsw <kezzdee@...> wrote:
>
>
> Hi again group. This is the third discussion opened by me in a short time,
> I hope I am not bombarding everyone with too much too soon, I'm just so
> passionate and full of questions right now!
>
> I have a shy 4 year old son, Eli. Well, I don't know if shy is quite the
> word. He is extremely uncomfortable in crowds/groups of strangers and takes
> a long time to warm up to people, but he is NOT shy with people he knows
> well, such as family and close friends! In fact he is quite the entertainer,
> very chatty and funny!
>
> In respect of his shyness with new folk, though, I'm not sure if I'm doing
> the right thing by him here. We have a play-meet with a group of Mums and
> kids once a week, and I *really* enjoy it, as it's really the only time I
> have to connect with adult friends (we've recently moved city so don't know
> anyone here.) But because the group is fairly new, Eli is anxious about
> going, and spends the morning as we're getting ready to go, saying things
> like ''I won't want to go, I just want to stay home with you!''
>
> I would like to continue going to the group in hope he will warm up to the
> other children and have fun. And because I enjoy it too(when he isn't
> complaining that he wants to leave). But without knowing how long it will
> take, I'm not sure whether to continue.
>
> I was also wondering, because the people in our lives are part of what
> makes life so rich and colurful, how do we help create rich lives for shy
> children? I'm sure Eli would be happy if he never had to be introduced to a
> stranger again! Sometimes it almost seems he is physically in pain from his
> shyness so I don't feel inclined to take him to many social groups at all.
> But of course once he gets to know people, he adores them, and learns so
> much from them.
>
> Look forward to hearing your feedback,
> Kerrie in Australia.
>
>
>
--
Allyson Moll
Transcription Services
608-577-8851
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
cherapple
--- In [email protected], "vespertine_nsw" <kezzdee@...> wrote:
I've told my husband's parents that it's not a child's responsibility to make an adult feel comfortable, and I won't put that responsibility on my children's shoulders. If family members want to know my children better, it's their job to make the attempt. I've said that they are welcome to come to our home and spend time with the girls here. But I feel bad when the girls won't even attend family events, and don't want to be present for baptisms, weddings, etc. Although the girls are old enough to stay home alone, it often means I stay home, too, and my husband goes by himself. Some of these family events are once-in-a-lifetime events. I won't make the girls go, but at the same time I feel bad that we're not going, and family members are really beginning to hold it against us. My kids come first. What else can I do?
Cheryl
>He is extremely uncomfortable in crowds/groups of strangers and takes a long time to warm up to people, but he is NOT shy with people he knows well, such as family and close friends!What about older shy children and family? My children -- two girls ages 10 & 13 -- are shy around family, most of whom we live 2 or more hours away from and don't see all the time. The girls -- especially my 13yo, who's at that stage where she mostly wants to be around her friends -- don't want to go to family events like baptisms, weddings, birthdays, showers, etc. Family members have expressed offense at the girls' quietness and "lack of respect" because the girls are slow to answer when someone says hello, or they are too shy to say please and thank you. (I say it for them.) I feel torn between showing support for family and supporting my children. This is particularly a problem with my husband's family, and we've talked with them about the fact that the girls don't feel comfortable, that they feel judged for their clothes, for the fact that they don't go to school, and for their shyness. (Why *should* they want to go if they feel like that?) If you get the girls in a group of unschoolers, on the other hand, the girls are talkative, animated and happy. Unschoolers are the only people they really look forward to being with.
I've told my husband's parents that it's not a child's responsibility to make an adult feel comfortable, and I won't put that responsibility on my children's shoulders. If family members want to know my children better, it's their job to make the attempt. I've said that they are welcome to come to our home and spend time with the girls here. But I feel bad when the girls won't even attend family events, and don't want to be present for baptisms, weddings, etc. Although the girls are old enough to stay home alone, it often means I stay home, too, and my husband goes by himself. Some of these family events are once-in-a-lifetime events. I won't make the girls go, but at the same time I feel bad that we're not going, and family members are really beginning to hold it against us. My kids come first. What else can I do?
Cheryl