ideas for ways to help a friend?
crbrlw
Hi:
I have an old friend who is new homeschooling/now wants to unschool. She has three children, one of which is an 8yo boy that has bladder and bowl control issues. She calls it encopresis, which I had never heard of before. They've been trying to treat it medically for a couple of years with no luck.
I've talked with her about changing his environment and paying more attention to him, and she agrees that his symptoms largely disappear when his surroundings are calmer, they have some routines and she pays more attention to him. She's having a hard time doing this though - I get the feeling she doesn't want to accommodate him, she just wants him to get over it. She also has a 3yo and an 11yo.
Does anyone have links, thoughts or suggestions for more ways I can help her? I've given her the name of a homeopathic doctor that I've used in the past, and take her older child to do activities with us when we can. She's not the type to read an email list, though she will read books - I've given her my copy of Moving a Puddle and sent her the link to Sandra and Joyce's websites.
She's a former teacher and still working though all of that, and they have moved three times in the past five years. Lots of financial difficulties, health issues, upheaval and drama.
Best wishes, Cara B
I have an old friend who is new homeschooling/now wants to unschool. She has three children, one of which is an 8yo boy that has bladder and bowl control issues. She calls it encopresis, which I had never heard of before. They've been trying to treat it medically for a couple of years with no luck.
I've talked with her about changing his environment and paying more attention to him, and she agrees that his symptoms largely disappear when his surroundings are calmer, they have some routines and she pays more attention to him. She's having a hard time doing this though - I get the feeling she doesn't want to accommodate him, she just wants him to get over it. She also has a 3yo and an 11yo.
Does anyone have links, thoughts or suggestions for more ways I can help her? I've given her the name of a homeopathic doctor that I've used in the past, and take her older child to do activities with us when we can. She's not the type to read an email list, though she will read books - I've given her my copy of Moving a Puddle and sent her the link to Sandra and Joyce's websites.
She's a former teacher and still working though all of that, and they have moved three times in the past five years. Lots of financial difficulties, health issues, upheaval and drama.
Best wishes, Cara B
Sandra Dodd
Maybe you could suggest she try just starting over with all that--he's
only eight. That's young in a lot of ways, and if he has a medical
situation or emotional triggers, she SHOULD accommodate that, now,
while he's young, before he's scarred and screwed up for life.
If he were lame and needed braces or crutches wouldn't she get that?
If he really needed very strong glasses or hearing aids, wouldn't she
get those?
Sandra
only eight. That's young in a lot of ways, and if he has a medical
situation or emotional triggers, she SHOULD accommodate that, now,
while he's young, before he's scarred and screwed up for life.
If he were lame and needed braces or crutches wouldn't she get that?
If he really needed very strong glasses or hearing aids, wouldn't she
get those?
Sandra
Pam Sorooshian
On 8/29/2009 6:04 AM, crbrlw wrote:
someone whose child had such issues and if she thinks it is bad now,
wait until he is a young teenager and still has those issues. It is
really better for her to pay close attention now, set up an environment
where he can best function right now. One of the problems is that the
initial cause may be medical, but the stress it all creates can
aggravate it so much that it continues even when the medical problem may
have long ago disappeared.
I'm sure that she's considered it, but just in case it hasn't come up,
the problem with the child I know turned out to be lactose intolerance.
-pam
> I've talked with her about changing his environment and paying more attention to him, and she agrees that his symptoms largely disappear when his surroundings are calmer, they have some routines and she pays more attention to him. She's having a hard time doing this though - I get the feeling she doesn't want to accommodate him, she just wants him to get over it. She also has a 3yo and an 11yo.I don't blame her for wishing he'd just get over it, but I do know
>
someone whose child had such issues and if she thinks it is bad now,
wait until he is a young teenager and still has those issues. It is
really better for her to pay close attention now, set up an environment
where he can best function right now. One of the problems is that the
initial cause may be medical, but the stress it all creates can
aggravate it so much that it continues even when the medical problem may
have long ago disappeared.
I'm sure that she's considered it, but just in case it hasn't come up,
the problem with the child I know turned out to be lactose intolerance.
-pam
alexandriapalonia
I have a niece who suffers from both encopresis and enuresis; my brother and sister-in-law have found that surroundings make a huge difference, as does diet (helping keep the digestive track moving with vegetable fiber and plenty of water). Said niece is now 10, and beginning to move out of it . . . but it's a process.
Andrea
Andrea
> I have an old friend who is new homeschooling/now wants to unschool. She has three children, one of which is an 8yo boy that has bladder and bowl control issues. She calls it encopresis, which I had never heard of before. They've been trying to treat it medically for a couple of years with no luck.
>
> I've talked with her about changing his environment and paying more attention to him, and she agrees that his symptoms largely disappear when his surroundings are calmer, they have some routines and she pays more attention to him. She's having a hard time doing this though - I get the feeling she doesn't want to accommodate him, she just wants him to get over it. She also has a 3yo and an 11yo.
>
> Does anyone have links, thoughts or suggestions for more ways I can help her? I've given her the name of a homeopathic doctor that I've used in the past, and take her older child to do activities with us when we can. She's not the type to read an email list, though she will read books - I've given her my copy of Moving a Puddle and sent her the link to Sandra and Joyce's websites.
>
> She's a former teacher and still working though all of that, and they have moved three times in the past five years. Lots of financial difficulties, health issues, upheaval and drama.
>
> Best wishes, Cara B
>
lrowx001
Our son, also 8, experiences periodic encopresis and daily enuresis. The encopresis was worse when he was in public school and after we moved. I suspect that stress may have been a factor. It is much better now since we've been settled for over a year and we unschool.
For the enuresis, we simply encourage him to use the toilet, especially when we see visual signals that he needs to go. Sometimes he doesn't want to stop playing. So we offer to pause whatever we're doing and remind him that it only takes a minute to pee. Other times, if he gets very excited or laughs heartily, he can't hold his urine. When we see major silliness beginning, we encourage him to quickly use the toilet and come back. Actually, unschooling has helped a lot with the enuresis. It helped me to heed wise voices who reminded me that he is still very young. And, when I stopped comparing him to same age peers, then he could just be who he is without expectation of toileting perfection. And, when we accepted that accidents would happen, then we became less stressed about it. Instead of making a big deal over it, we just tell him to change his clothes and ask if there is a puddle that we need to clean. We wash the boys' laundry frequently. We use pull-ups at night, and we have rubber-bottomed mattress protectors under the regular bed sheets to keep leaks from soiling the mattresses. We have a set of spares so we don't have to wash them immediately.
We handle the encopresis a bit differently. We remind him every other day that his body needs to have a bowel movement to rid itself of waste. We allow him to choose the time, so he doesn't miss a favorite program or running errands with Dad. We let him choose the bathroom (usually close to Mom as he still wants help wiping). We provide a stool so his feet don't dangle and so he has a place to rest his favorite bathroom book (a visual dictionary). If he resists, we don't force him to sit. But we do gently remind him of how uncomfortable it is when he has encopresis. Sometimes we talk about how drinking more liquid might help his bowel movements because he drinks very little in a day. We keep fresh fruit out all day so he gets some hydration from the fruit. He doesn't like many fibrous vegetables, but we do use whole grain bread products. (Doctors have differing opinions about the role of fiber and fluid in preventing constipation.) And, if he does develop encopresis, then we use a laxative to help him pass the hard stool and become regular again. We put him in a pullup until he can go - without any shame. We simply explain that we can't have the stool leaking onto the clothes, furniture, rugs, etc. And we throw away his underpants because I don't want to clean them. We buy the least expensive, plain white, multipacks.
I hope some of these ideas help. Encopresis and enuresis can be frustrating for everyone. I remind myself that he doesn't soil his clothes on purpose. He usually can't feel the leakage until it's gone. And then I remember to just breathe....
Lisa
For the enuresis, we simply encourage him to use the toilet, especially when we see visual signals that he needs to go. Sometimes he doesn't want to stop playing. So we offer to pause whatever we're doing and remind him that it only takes a minute to pee. Other times, if he gets very excited or laughs heartily, he can't hold his urine. When we see major silliness beginning, we encourage him to quickly use the toilet and come back. Actually, unschooling has helped a lot with the enuresis. It helped me to heed wise voices who reminded me that he is still very young. And, when I stopped comparing him to same age peers, then he could just be who he is without expectation of toileting perfection. And, when we accepted that accidents would happen, then we became less stressed about it. Instead of making a big deal over it, we just tell him to change his clothes and ask if there is a puddle that we need to clean. We wash the boys' laundry frequently. We use pull-ups at night, and we have rubber-bottomed mattress protectors under the regular bed sheets to keep leaks from soiling the mattresses. We have a set of spares so we don't have to wash them immediately.
We handle the encopresis a bit differently. We remind him every other day that his body needs to have a bowel movement to rid itself of waste. We allow him to choose the time, so he doesn't miss a favorite program or running errands with Dad. We let him choose the bathroom (usually close to Mom as he still wants help wiping). We provide a stool so his feet don't dangle and so he has a place to rest his favorite bathroom book (a visual dictionary). If he resists, we don't force him to sit. But we do gently remind him of how uncomfortable it is when he has encopresis. Sometimes we talk about how drinking more liquid might help his bowel movements because he drinks very little in a day. We keep fresh fruit out all day so he gets some hydration from the fruit. He doesn't like many fibrous vegetables, but we do use whole grain bread products. (Doctors have differing opinions about the role of fiber and fluid in preventing constipation.) And, if he does develop encopresis, then we use a laxative to help him pass the hard stool and become regular again. We put him in a pullup until he can go - without any shame. We simply explain that we can't have the stool leaking onto the clothes, furniture, rugs, etc. And we throw away his underpants because I don't want to clean them. We buy the least expensive, plain white, multipacks.
I hope some of these ideas help. Encopresis and enuresis can be frustrating for everyone. I remind myself that he doesn't soil his clothes on purpose. He usually can't feel the leakage until it's gone. And then I remember to just breathe....
Lisa
--- In [email protected], "crbrlw" <carabarlow@...> wrote:
>
> Hi:
> I have an old friend who is new homeschooling/now wants to unschool. She has three children, one of which is an 8yo boy that has bladder and bowl control issues. She calls it encopresis, which I had never heard of before. They've been trying to treat it medically for a couple of years with no luck.
> Does anyone have links, thoughts or suggestions for more ways I can help her?
>
> She's a former teacher and still working though all of that, and they have moved three times in the past five years. Lots of financial difficulties, health issues, upheaval and drama.
Cara Barlow
Hi: Thank you everyone for suggestions. Lisa, is it ok for me to share your
post with her?
I have a funny story as a follow-up.
I was under the impression that I had loaned my copy of Moving a Puddle to
my friend - I know I intended to loan it to her it and I knew the book
wasn't in its place anymore, so assumed I got it to her at some point and
just didn't remember the details. This happens to me sometimes <g>.
Yesterday I was helping my 13yo daughter clean her room, and was pulling
stuff out from under her bed. One of the books I found under the bed, to my
surprise, was Moving a Puddle. She told me she had seen the book on my desk
and brought it upstairs to read. She read the whole book and thought it was
"really cool."
This left me happily bemused! I'm looking forward to her thoughts on the Big
Book of Unschooling.
Best wishes, Cara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
post with her?
I have a funny story as a follow-up.
I was under the impression that I had loaned my copy of Moving a Puddle to
my friend - I know I intended to loan it to her it and I knew the book
wasn't in its place anymore, so assumed I got it to her at some point and
just didn't remember the details. This happens to me sometimes <g>.
Yesterday I was helping my 13yo daughter clean her room, and was pulling
stuff out from under her bed. One of the books I found under the bed, to my
surprise, was Moving a Puddle. She told me she had seen the book on my desk
and brought it upstairs to read. She read the whole book and thought it was
"really cool."
This left me happily bemused! I'm looking forward to her thoughts on the Big
Book of Unschooling.
Best wishes, Cara
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-
I was under the impression that I had loaned my copy of Moving a
Puddle to
my friend - I know I intended to loan it to her it and I knew the book
wasn't in its place anymore-=-
I'm glad you found it, but maybe you need an extra to lend to friends!
And one for under the bed?
It will be a few weeks before I can send the Big Books out, but I do
have a beautiful pile of Moving a Puddle. It could go out by priority
mail tomorrow. <g>
http://sandradodd.com/puddlebook
That book was the collection of a bunch of little printed articles.
The new one consists of mostly even-shorter things--summaries of
webpages, or introductions to unschooling topics. I had said years
before that I didn't feel comfortable writing a book all about
unschooling when I wasn't sure I would "succeed" at unschooling
altogether, but now that Holly's about to be eighteen (November 2) I'm
not worried anymore at all. Holly's fully ready to go out into the
world. Marty will be 21 in January. I do have the feeling that I
have successfully completed a major project. <g>
So I think the next book will be good (the new book/the soon-book) but
Moving a Puddle's still pretty good too, because it's like a series of
snapshots, in order.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I was under the impression that I had loaned my copy of Moving a
Puddle to
my friend - I know I intended to loan it to her it and I knew the book
wasn't in its place anymore-=-
I'm glad you found it, but maybe you need an extra to lend to friends!
And one for under the bed?
It will be a few weeks before I can send the Big Books out, but I do
have a beautiful pile of Moving a Puddle. It could go out by priority
mail tomorrow. <g>
http://sandradodd.com/puddlebook
That book was the collection of a bunch of little printed articles.
The new one consists of mostly even-shorter things--summaries of
webpages, or introductions to unschooling topics. I had said years
before that I didn't feel comfortable writing a book all about
unschooling when I wasn't sure I would "succeed" at unschooling
altogether, but now that Holly's about to be eighteen (November 2) I'm
not worried anymore at all. Holly's fully ready to go out into the
world. Marty will be 21 in January. I do have the feeling that I
have successfully completed a major project. <g>
So I think the next book will be good (the new book/the soon-book) but
Moving a Puddle's still pretty good too, because it's like a series of
snapshots, in order.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]