Siblings/Former Best Friends Growing Apart
kelly_sturman
Two of my children, a boy, aged 12, and a girl,
aged 10, have enjoyed a very close relationship
for as long as they both can remember. Lately,
though, they are finding that their interests
are diverging. This is distressing for both of
them, but for my daughter especially.
They had a relationship that was so close, they
almost seem telepathic. Now, as they move into
puberty, they are having a really difficult time
finding mutually enjoyable things to do, which
means they aren't "hanging out" as much as they used
to, and they miss each other. I should explicitly
state that this is a problem that they brought to
me, as something that is troubling them, rather than
a situation that I am looking at and seeing as a problem.
They came to me, and asked me to mediate for them,
as they were feeling quite distressed. We all talked,
and listened, to one another for quite awhile, and came
to the conclusion that it would be nice if they could find
activities that they could do individually but side by side.
So, my son could work a jigsaw puzzle and my daughter could
draw, and they could talk as they each did their own thing.
They feel it's not as nice as doing one thing together, but
better than not spending time together at all.
But now, they can't think of "enough" (their words/their feelings) things that they can do individually but in tandem. And so they feel that they still won't be spending as much time together as they would
like.
I suggested that they might want to try making some new
friends, and also suggested that they might try taking
turns doing activities that one or the other liked, with
the explicit understanding that then they would switch off.
For example, she might shoot baskets with him, in return for
him taking some time to draw pictures with her. Both suggestions
were rejected: they reiterated to me that they want to repair
*this* relationship, not build others, and as to the second
suggestion, they said they'd already thought of and tried it, and
that it didn't work.
In the end, we came to the realization that relationships have
ebbs and flows, and that they might just have to weather this
period, with the realization that they love one another, even
though they don't necessarily enjoy one another's company as
much as they used to.
I wish I could do more to help them right now, and feel that
I am probably missing something obvious here. I trust that
the wise people on this list will have some helpful suggestions.
Thanks,
Kelly Sturman
http://kelly-livingjoyfully.blogspot.com
aged 10, have enjoyed a very close relationship
for as long as they both can remember. Lately,
though, they are finding that their interests
are diverging. This is distressing for both of
them, but for my daughter especially.
They had a relationship that was so close, they
almost seem telepathic. Now, as they move into
puberty, they are having a really difficult time
finding mutually enjoyable things to do, which
means they aren't "hanging out" as much as they used
to, and they miss each other. I should explicitly
state that this is a problem that they brought to
me, as something that is troubling them, rather than
a situation that I am looking at and seeing as a problem.
They came to me, and asked me to mediate for them,
as they were feeling quite distressed. We all talked,
and listened, to one another for quite awhile, and came
to the conclusion that it would be nice if they could find
activities that they could do individually but side by side.
So, my son could work a jigsaw puzzle and my daughter could
draw, and they could talk as they each did their own thing.
They feel it's not as nice as doing one thing together, but
better than not spending time together at all.
But now, they can't think of "enough" (their words/their feelings) things that they can do individually but in tandem. And so they feel that they still won't be spending as much time together as they would
like.
I suggested that they might want to try making some new
friends, and also suggested that they might try taking
turns doing activities that one or the other liked, with
the explicit understanding that then they would switch off.
For example, she might shoot baskets with him, in return for
him taking some time to draw pictures with her. Both suggestions
were rejected: they reiterated to me that they want to repair
*this* relationship, not build others, and as to the second
suggestion, they said they'd already thought of and tried it, and
that it didn't work.
In the end, we came to the realization that relationships have
ebbs and flows, and that they might just have to weather this
period, with the realization that they love one another, even
though they don't necessarily enjoy one another's company as
much as they used to.
I wish I could do more to help them right now, and feel that
I am probably missing something obvious here. I trust that
the wise people on this list will have some helpful suggestions.
Thanks,
Kelly Sturman
http://kelly-livingjoyfully.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-=-In the end, we came to the realization that relationships have
ebbs and flows, and that they might just have to weather this
period, with the realization that they love one another, even
though they don't necessarily enjoy one another's company as
much as they used to.-=-
I've seen this happen in various combinations with my kids. For most
of her life, Holly loved Marty and was irritated and suspicious of
Kirby. Marty was her defender and translator when she was a baby. He
always knew what she was saying when the rest of us couldn't
understand her; it was as though he read her mind.
When Marty and Kirby were pre-pubescent, they played together really
well, and could share other friends well, too. When Kirby hit the
change, he started excluding Marty and Marty was very sad. But one
day a couple or three years later I said, "Thanks, Kirby, for
including Marty." He said "Marty's cool!" Just almost all of a
sudden, Marty was old enough that he was once again more cool than
irritating.
For a while Holly liked Kirby better than Marty, but that's about the
time Kirby moved out and she was sad.
Just earlier this week, Holly spent three days at Kirby's house in
Texas, and had a great time. She's said several really sweet things
about how charming he is to people and how considerate to her.
Maybe instead of saying "you don't enjoy each other as much as you
used to" you could say "It's rough now, but when you're older you'll
enjoy each other as much as you used to."
It has been true here.
Holly and Marty are getting along well now, too, by the way, though
there have been two times in the past three or four years that they
were both complaining to me that the other was being irritating and
mean.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ebbs and flows, and that they might just have to weather this
period, with the realization that they love one another, even
though they don't necessarily enjoy one another's company as
much as they used to.-=-
I've seen this happen in various combinations with my kids. For most
of her life, Holly loved Marty and was irritated and suspicious of
Kirby. Marty was her defender and translator when she was a baby. He
always knew what she was saying when the rest of us couldn't
understand her; it was as though he read her mind.
When Marty and Kirby were pre-pubescent, they played together really
well, and could share other friends well, too. When Kirby hit the
change, he started excluding Marty and Marty was very sad. But one
day a couple or three years later I said, "Thanks, Kirby, for
including Marty." He said "Marty's cool!" Just almost all of a
sudden, Marty was old enough that he was once again more cool than
irritating.
For a while Holly liked Kirby better than Marty, but that's about the
time Kirby moved out and she was sad.
Just earlier this week, Holly spent three days at Kirby's house in
Texas, and had a great time. She's said several really sweet things
about how charming he is to people and how considerate to her.
Maybe instead of saying "you don't enjoy each other as much as you
used to" you could say "It's rough now, but when you're older you'll
enjoy each other as much as you used to."
It has been true here.
Holly and Marty are getting along well now, too, by the way, though
there have been two times in the past three or four years that they
were both complaining to me that the other was being irritating and
mean.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
JoyErin
In our house ds 14 and dd 12 have definitely become much closer since we
added a second computer specifically
for them to use since last summer. They sit at one longish table and do
their individual computer interests
right next to one another. At first this was tough, they weren't used to
being so close so much of the time
and would argue more than before (I realize this isn't the problem for your
dc). No one really seemed to want to
move though no matter how many different ideas we came up with. Sometimes
they do the same things online but
lately most of the time not. They are each enjoying different things while
still being physically close and so sharing
in the moment that something that really interests them. They still may not
choose to go to the same places online
but they know quite a bit about what the other person is interested in and
can talk about it with them.
Joy
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.409 / Virus Database: 270.13.63/2316 - Release Date: 08/22/09
06:06:00
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
added a second computer specifically
for them to use since last summer. They sit at one longish table and do
their individual computer interests
right next to one another. At first this was tough, they weren't used to
being so close so much of the time
and would argue more than before (I realize this isn't the problem for your
dc). No one really seemed to want to
move though no matter how many different ideas we came up with. Sometimes
they do the same things online but
lately most of the time not. They are each enjoying different things while
still being physically close and so sharing
in the moment that something that really interests them. They still may not
choose to go to the same places online
but they know quite a bit about what the other person is interested in and
can talk about it with them.
Joy
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.409 / Virus Database: 270.13.63/2316 - Release Date: 08/22/09
06:06:00
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]