Squeezing & hitting
Karen Hsu
My five-year-old, Taipan, whom I've written about in the not wanting to go
anywhere thread squeezes and hits a lot. Unprovoked, and usually not out of
anger. It's as if he has something bottled up and the only way he knows to
let it out is to squeeze or hit. Mostly it's random squeezing, and when it
is anger-related it'll be hitting.
And it's hard squeezing, but not quite pinching, mostly to me and his
3-year-old sister. When I'm not around it doesn't happen as frequently.
Last night I was helping him get ready for bed, and he squeezed my
shoulders. I told him I didn't like it and to stop. He did it again, and I
moved his hands away. The third time he went to do it I pushed him away. I
felt mean and awful for pushing him. I honestly don't know what to do to
make it stop. This happens multiple times a day - multiple times an hour I
think, though I've never really counted. He can't identify why he does it,
and I don't know the triggers, as hard as I try, I don't see it coming most
of the time. I respond in a way where I'm sure it's clear that I don't like
it.
The hitting is usually a bit different. Sometimes it's out of nowhere - a
walk-by with a whack. Sometimes I know it's because he's not getting what
he wants - for instance, sometimes he'll want me to play something with him,
and I'll say sure, in five mins after I'm done doing something with Simi
(his sister) ... and then he'll jump on me, hit me, etc, nearly the entire
time he's waiting. I don't ask him to wait often, and when I get that
response from him when I do, I don't know what to do. I know it's a
jealously thing where he wants my full attention, and I give him a lot of
attention, and there are times when I've already started something with Simi
and can't give him what he wants immediately. I don't know, maybe in his
mind he's waiting more frequently than I realize - he gets a lot of one on
one time with me, and if my husband's here, I'll ask him to help distract
while I finish up with his sister. This is just one example - there are
others.
So after being squeezed too hard last night, I lectured him as we were
laying in bed - told him how much I don't like it, and how I want to help
him not to squeeze and hit, and did he have any ideas? And how if he hit
people that weren't me or his dad or his sister he could get in big trouble,
especially when he's older. I scared the crap out of him, and regret having
gone so far with it. I was kind of rambling, and I wasn't saying it to
create fear, but that's what I did.
I can't find it now, but I remember that Sandra wrote in a post a month or
so ago something about the first step of having a child that doesn't hit is
to be the mom of a child that doesn't hit ... I was stumped then on what
that meant, and think about if often after the squeezing / hitting and don't
know how to be that mom.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
anywhere thread squeezes and hits a lot. Unprovoked, and usually not out of
anger. It's as if he has something bottled up and the only way he knows to
let it out is to squeeze or hit. Mostly it's random squeezing, and when it
is anger-related it'll be hitting.
And it's hard squeezing, but not quite pinching, mostly to me and his
3-year-old sister. When I'm not around it doesn't happen as frequently.
Last night I was helping him get ready for bed, and he squeezed my
shoulders. I told him I didn't like it and to stop. He did it again, and I
moved his hands away. The third time he went to do it I pushed him away. I
felt mean and awful for pushing him. I honestly don't know what to do to
make it stop. This happens multiple times a day - multiple times an hour I
think, though I've never really counted. He can't identify why he does it,
and I don't know the triggers, as hard as I try, I don't see it coming most
of the time. I respond in a way where I'm sure it's clear that I don't like
it.
The hitting is usually a bit different. Sometimes it's out of nowhere - a
walk-by with a whack. Sometimes I know it's because he's not getting what
he wants - for instance, sometimes he'll want me to play something with him,
and I'll say sure, in five mins after I'm done doing something with Simi
(his sister) ... and then he'll jump on me, hit me, etc, nearly the entire
time he's waiting. I don't ask him to wait often, and when I get that
response from him when I do, I don't know what to do. I know it's a
jealously thing where he wants my full attention, and I give him a lot of
attention, and there are times when I've already started something with Simi
and can't give him what he wants immediately. I don't know, maybe in his
mind he's waiting more frequently than I realize - he gets a lot of one on
one time with me, and if my husband's here, I'll ask him to help distract
while I finish up with his sister. This is just one example - there are
others.
So after being squeezed too hard last night, I lectured him as we were
laying in bed - told him how much I don't like it, and how I want to help
him not to squeeze and hit, and did he have any ideas? And how if he hit
people that weren't me or his dad or his sister he could get in big trouble,
especially when he's older. I scared the crap out of him, and regret having
gone so far with it. I was kind of rambling, and I wasn't saying it to
create fear, but that's what I did.
I can't find it now, but I remember that Sandra wrote in a post a month or
so ago something about the first step of having a child that doesn't hit is
to be the mom of a child that doesn't hit ... I was stumped then on what
that meant, and think about if often after the squeezing / hitting and don't
know how to be that mom.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=- Sometimes I know it's because he's not getting what
he wants - for instance, sometimes he'll want me to play something
with him,
and I'll say sure, in five mins after I'm done doing something with Simi
(his sister) ...-=-
Instead of "sure, wait" AND naming Simi (which probably riles him all
by itself, because it's HER again), maybe say "Could you go and get...
(whatever, the book or the game or a box of tissues or a glass of
water)..." and that puts him in action and gives you a chance to
finish (quickly) with the younger sister, and be ready when he gets
back.
Sometimes people touch others in ways they would like to be touched.
Maybe he could use a massage. Maybe he'd like you to rub his back a
little harder than you might think. Maybe try that, just with him
sitting in front of you and if you say "does this feel good?" you can
discuss that some people really like deep tissue massages and some
don't. What feels good to one person, like back scratching or toe
pulling, hurts other people. My mom used to pop my toes and I really
hated it. She was "just playing," but she didn't care that I didn't
like it and there were lots of things she could have done that
would've been better.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
he wants - for instance, sometimes he'll want me to play something
with him,
and I'll say sure, in five mins after I'm done doing something with Simi
(his sister) ...-=-
Instead of "sure, wait" AND naming Simi (which probably riles him all
by itself, because it's HER again), maybe say "Could you go and get...
(whatever, the book or the game or a box of tissues or a glass of
water)..." and that puts him in action and gives you a chance to
finish (quickly) with the younger sister, and be ready when he gets
back.
Sometimes people touch others in ways they would like to be touched.
Maybe he could use a massage. Maybe he'd like you to rub his back a
little harder than you might think. Maybe try that, just with him
sitting in front of you and if you say "does this feel good?" you can
discuss that some people really like deep tissue massages and some
don't. What feels good to one person, like back scratching or toe
pulling, hurts other people. My mom used to pop my toes and I really
hated it. She was "just playing," but she didn't care that I didn't
like it and there were lots of things she could have done that
would've been better.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Shannon D. Burton
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
Jim used to be held down and tickled by three older sisters. The parental assumption seems to have been that, even three on one, a boy ought to be able to take care of himself.
We both entered parenthood certain that we would not do that to our own child. So, from the first tickles, we asked first and stopped the moment it wasn't fun for Miah.
A year or so ago, Annalise asked us to not tickle her, "in my armpits or in my kneepits". We still chuckle at that one - and now we check each time to be sure there aren't any extra-sensitive places to avoid.
Lately, both kids have been giving pretty specific instructions about length, strength, and speed of tickles, and the amount of wrestling involved.
Neither of our children has ever forcibly tickled the other, so far as I know. They tell us the types of touch they prefer by their words and their reactions. Since infancy, Lise has loved massages with soothing, slow, moderate pressure. Since infancy, Jeremiah has had no patience for holding still to be massaged. He prefers light back scratches, and, from time to time, a quick back rub.
Our kids are confident in their ownership of their bodies, and that their parents will honor their preferences. They carry themselves with that confidence. It's a type of confidence I didn't learn until well into my adulthood.
Had I spoken my needs so clearly in my own childhood, the consequences would have been very different.
I'm glad this thread came along today. with so much still to learn about myself, my husband, our children, and the nature of our group harmonics, it's nice to be reminded that there is something, no matter how small, that I have gotten right, from the start.
Peace!
Shan
>My mom used to pop my toes and I really
> hated it. She was "just playing," but she didn't care that I didn'tMine used to burn our hands with the hot bowl of her coffee spoon. She was also "just playing - that couldn't have hurt!" There were also tickling attacks that *were* attacks...the entire interaction would be initiated and controlled by the parents.
> like it and there were lots of things she could have done that
> would've been better.
>
> Sandra
Jim used to be held down and tickled by three older sisters. The parental assumption seems to have been that, even three on one, a boy ought to be able to take care of himself.
We both entered parenthood certain that we would not do that to our own child. So, from the first tickles, we asked first and stopped the moment it wasn't fun for Miah.
A year or so ago, Annalise asked us to not tickle her, "in my armpits or in my kneepits". We still chuckle at that one - and now we check each time to be sure there aren't any extra-sensitive places to avoid.
Lately, both kids have been giving pretty specific instructions about length, strength, and speed of tickles, and the amount of wrestling involved.
Neither of our children has ever forcibly tickled the other, so far as I know. They tell us the types of touch they prefer by their words and their reactions. Since infancy, Lise has loved massages with soothing, slow, moderate pressure. Since infancy, Jeremiah has had no patience for holding still to be massaged. He prefers light back scratches, and, from time to time, a quick back rub.
Our kids are confident in their ownership of their bodies, and that their parents will honor their preferences. They carry themselves with that confidence. It's a type of confidence I didn't learn until well into my adulthood.
Had I spoken my needs so clearly in my own childhood, the consequences would have been very different.
I'm glad this thread came along today. with so much still to learn about myself, my husband, our children, and the nature of our group harmonics, it's nice to be reminded that there is something, no matter how small, that I have gotten right, from the start.
Peace!
Shan
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
evawitsel
I'm new here and this is my first real attempt at replying at one of the questions posted here. English is not my first language, so I hope you will forgive me any spelling etc. errors...
I think he doesn't want to go out as much anymore because he has a choice now. And now that he gets to decide for himself, he protects himself against all the impressions he gets (is that proper English?) when he goes outside of the house. When we do persuade him to go out, at the end of the afternoon Berend is angry, easily frustrated and mainly just bouncing of our walls... So I do think that he knows what's best for him and at the moment that is not going out too much.
Berend doesn't squeeze, but he hits and he pushes his sister (2,5 yo) over. He hurts me too. Since we started unschooling and started to lift the many controls that we had inadvertently put in place, it is getting better. But still, whenever he is frustrated, he will run over to his sister and throw her to the ground.
I am working on controlling him less and being a nicer mom to him. I'm just like Berend, just as easily frustrated. So that's a nice combination for fireworks. When I'm patient, cheery, peaceful and explain things calmly in a friendly tone of voice, Berend hardly ever acts out.
I don't have a solution ready for your situation, but this is what we are working on and I think it's helping us.
Eva
> My five-year-old, Taipan, whom I've written about in the not wanting to goI have a 4 yo son: Berend. He has been in school for three months and two months ago, we took him out of school. Since then he's getting more and more reluctant to go out of the house. He's not the same as your son, Berend still goes out almost everyday, but it's not the same as it used to be.
> anywhere thread squeezes and hits a lot. Unprovoked, and usually not out of
> anger. It's as if he has something bottled up and the only way he knows to
> let it out is to squeeze or hit.
I think he doesn't want to go out as much anymore because he has a choice now. And now that he gets to decide for himself, he protects himself against all the impressions he gets (is that proper English?) when he goes outside of the house. When we do persuade him to go out, at the end of the afternoon Berend is angry, easily frustrated and mainly just bouncing of our walls... So I do think that he knows what's best for him and at the moment that is not going out too much.
Berend doesn't squeeze, but he hits and he pushes his sister (2,5 yo) over. He hurts me too. Since we started unschooling and started to lift the many controls that we had inadvertently put in place, it is getting better. But still, whenever he is frustrated, he will run over to his sister and throw her to the ground.
I am working on controlling him less and being a nicer mom to him. I'm just like Berend, just as easily frustrated. So that's a nice combination for fireworks. When I'm patient, cheery, peaceful and explain things calmly in a friendly tone of voice, Berend hardly ever acts out.
I don't have a solution ready for your situation, but this is what we are working on and I think it's helping us.
Eva
ellinghamsandwich
my ex-fiance was like a dad to my daughter for almost 2 years. its been about 21 months since i left him.
i wonder sometimes if the way he played (rough housed before bedtime in our family bed) with my daughter has created my daughter not stopping when myself or her friends tell her to in regards to something she is doing or saying to them. my ex would not stop when my daughter told him too...he would get so wrapped up in the fun of it all (he wasn't allowed much play time as a boy...so when he played he'd get very carried away in the moment)that he wouldn't stop right away when told to by my daughter or even by me. i even had explained to him many a time why he needed to stop when my daughter told him to...out of respect for her and her bodily boundaries...that she needed to trust that when she tells others to STOP or NO! that they need to. that it is HER body. HER rules. no exceptions. and she knew/knows this now, at 6.5 years old. now she does this. i am thinking it derives from this experience with the ex...even though it was in fun spirit, she may not have gotten or still get the point. she especially does this at bedtime. lately we go when we are ready and pretty sleepy so we aren't having this issue as of the past month or so.
things that make you go hmmm.
love,
lis in oregon
i wonder sometimes if the way he played (rough housed before bedtime in our family bed) with my daughter has created my daughter not stopping when myself or her friends tell her to in regards to something she is doing or saying to them. my ex would not stop when my daughter told him too...he would get so wrapped up in the fun of it all (he wasn't allowed much play time as a boy...so when he played he'd get very carried away in the moment)that he wouldn't stop right away when told to by my daughter or even by me. i even had explained to him many a time why he needed to stop when my daughter told him to...out of respect for her and her bodily boundaries...that she needed to trust that when she tells others to STOP or NO! that they need to. that it is HER body. HER rules. no exceptions. and she knew/knows this now, at 6.5 years old. now she does this. i am thinking it derives from this experience with the ex...even though it was in fun spirit, she may not have gotten or still get the point. she especially does this at bedtime. lately we go when we are ready and pretty sleepy so we aren't having this issue as of the past month or so.
things that make you go hmmm.
love,
lis in oregon
--- In [email protected], "Shannon D. Burton" <memismommy@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@> wrote:
> >
> My mom used to pop my toes and I really
> > hated it. She was "just playing," but she didn't care that I didn't
> > like it and there were lots of things she could have done that
> > would've been better.
> >
> > Sandra
>
> Mine used to burn our hands with the hot bowl of her coffee spoon. She was also "just playing - that couldn't have hurt!" There were also tickling attacks that *were* attacks...the entire interaction would be initiated and controlled by the parents.
>
> Jim used to be held down and tickled by three older sisters. The parental assumption seems to have been that, even three on one, a boy ought to be able to take care of himself.
>
> We both entered parenthood certain that we would not do that to our own child. So, from the first tickles, we asked first and stopped the moment it wasn't fun for Miah.
>
> A year or so ago, Annalise asked us to not tickle her, "in my armpits or in my kneepits". We still chuckle at that one - and now we check each time to be sure there aren't any extra-sensitive places to avoid.
>
> Lately, both kids have been giving pretty specific instructions about length, strength, and speed of tickles, and the amount of wrestling involved.
>
> Neither of our children has ever forcibly tickled the other, so far as I know. They tell us the types of touch they prefer by their words and their reactions. Since infancy, Lise has loved massages with soothing, slow, moderate pressure. Since infancy, Jeremiah has had no patience for holding still to be massaged. He prefers light back scratches, and, from time to time, a quick back rub.
>
> Our kids are confident in their ownership of their bodies, and that their parents will honor their preferences. They carry themselves with that confidence. It's a type of confidence I didn't learn until well into my adulthood.
>
> Had I spoken my needs so clearly in my own childhood, the consequences would have been very different.
>
> I'm glad this thread came along today. with so much still to learn about myself, my husband, our children, and the nature of our group harmonics, it's nice to be reminded that there is something, no matter how small, that I have gotten right, from the start.
>
> Peace!
> Shan
>
>
> >
> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >
>