5-year-old doesn't want to go anywhere
Karen Hsu
My son is five years old and over the past year has become more and more
reluctant to leave the house. Last summer we didn't go a lot of places, but
he'd want to go to a park or bounce houses or my in-laws' house or someplace
else fun maybe once or twice a
week. During the winter the outings tapered off due to his
preference, and I thought it was because of the weather.
When it warmed up he began to play outside more, but other than
playing in our yard (and an occasional short walk down the block)
he's only been out of the house once in the past month. The month before
that was probably twice. When I ask him about it he says he's got games to
play at home and is too busy to go anywhere. We have a small playground
within walking distance, and he doesn't want to go that far.
I like to go places, and my 3-year-old daughter likes to go places, and
while we create opportunities to go out once a week or so and leave my son
at home with my husband, it doesn't seem to be enough for either one of us.
We invite people over, and we also turn down a lot of invitations for
activities at other people's houses (or parks and the like).
I worry that he's missing out on a lot of experiences by not going anywhere.
I worry it won't pass and he'll never want to leave the house. I know that
I'm feeling stress over it. I think that there would be more peace in our
house if the kids weren't home all day nearly every day. I don't know if
it's anxiety over seeing people he doesn't know, or if it's car sickness, or
if it's something else altogether.
An example of a thing I'd like to do: my husband's sisters are coming to
town this weekend and will be at my in-laws' house for a BBQ - I'd like for
our family to be there. My husband will likely go alone because the kids
will both want to be with me.
The only other piece of information that might be relevant is that I'm the
working parent, though I have a home office and see the kids throughout the
day. When I'm done working I want to spend time with both kids and feel
torn when my daughter wants to go somewhere, yet my son doesn't want to, and
they both want me to do things with them in the evenings.
I don't know what other details might help, so I'll stop here. Any ideas on
how to maybe figure out what's underlying his reluctance to leave, or maybe
even thoughts on whether or not that's important.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
reluctant to leave the house. Last summer we didn't go a lot of places, but
he'd want to go to a park or bounce houses or my in-laws' house or someplace
else fun maybe once or twice a
week. During the winter the outings tapered off due to his
preference, and I thought it was because of the weather.
When it warmed up he began to play outside more, but other than
playing in our yard (and an occasional short walk down the block)
he's only been out of the house once in the past month. The month before
that was probably twice. When I ask him about it he says he's got games to
play at home and is too busy to go anywhere. We have a small playground
within walking distance, and he doesn't want to go that far.
I like to go places, and my 3-year-old daughter likes to go places, and
while we create opportunities to go out once a week or so and leave my son
at home with my husband, it doesn't seem to be enough for either one of us.
We invite people over, and we also turn down a lot of invitations for
activities at other people's houses (or parks and the like).
I worry that he's missing out on a lot of experiences by not going anywhere.
I worry it won't pass and he'll never want to leave the house. I know that
I'm feeling stress over it. I think that there would be more peace in our
house if the kids weren't home all day nearly every day. I don't know if
it's anxiety over seeing people he doesn't know, or if it's car sickness, or
if it's something else altogether.
An example of a thing I'd like to do: my husband's sisters are coming to
town this weekend and will be at my in-laws' house for a BBQ - I'd like for
our family to be there. My husband will likely go alone because the kids
will both want to be with me.
The only other piece of information that might be relevant is that I'm the
working parent, though I have a home office and see the kids throughout the
day. When I'm done working I want to spend time with both kids and feel
torn when my daughter wants to go somewhere, yet my son doesn't want to, and
they both want me to do things with them in the evenings.
I don't know what other details might help, so I'll stop here. Any ideas on
how to maybe figure out what's underlying his reluctance to leave, or maybe
even thoughts on whether or not that's important.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
JoyErin
-= I worry that he's missing out on a lot of experiences by not going
anywhere. =-
My oldest, now 14, has never really liked going out places. He really does
love being at home. I have always done all I could to encourage but
hopefully without being pushy going out and doing new fun exciting things.
I've even used McDonald's a few times for enticement when he was younger.
<g> I too always worried at least a little that he was missing out on
things and realized only the other day that I never really understood how he
could love being home so much of the time!
Dd, now 12, always seemed to like going out and so we did as much as I could
and she seemed to like that. So I really struggled and still do just a
tinge when things come up that she would have gone to in the past that she
now doesn't. This began when ds was ready to be home on his own while dd
and I would go out. Well she didn't want to go then either. I knew they
were close but hadn't realized this would happen.
Just the other day both my children and I ended up discussing 'my'
fear/worry about them not getting out and doing things. The conversation
started out about all these homeschool summer activities going on around
here that I felt maybe they should take advantage of and at least try.
Things mostly that we/they'd not be able to do normally because of expense.
It didn't seem like such a big deal to me for them just to try one of two
things. Well! For the first time ever they turned it around on me and made
me realize it was really me that needed to work some thinking through not
them. <g> I can't say this is the entire deal but I now realize that I
wanted for them fond activities and memories like myself as a kid and that
was always away from home and my parents. Home was just a place to sleep
and eat. Home for them is totally different, much more than a place for
them to just eat and sleep. :-) I'm suddenly starting to see the house
we live in in a different way than I used to.
One last thing, I read a book recently about a television/radio talkshow
host here in the UK. His name is Jonathon Ross and he's about 40 now. He
had many brothers and sisters and his parents felt they could not provide
the opportunities for their children that they would have liked to. When he
was a young boy television here was just becoming popular and cheap enough
for the regular person to buy. His parents totally believed in the power of
TV and they felt their kids would have so many opportunities seeing and
hearing about things they never could or did that way. Jonathon says the TV
was almost always on even as background noise.
Joy
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anywhere. =-
My oldest, now 14, has never really liked going out places. He really does
love being at home. I have always done all I could to encourage but
hopefully without being pushy going out and doing new fun exciting things.
I've even used McDonald's a few times for enticement when he was younger.
<g> I too always worried at least a little that he was missing out on
things and realized only the other day that I never really understood how he
could love being home so much of the time!
Dd, now 12, always seemed to like going out and so we did as much as I could
and she seemed to like that. So I really struggled and still do just a
tinge when things come up that she would have gone to in the past that she
now doesn't. This began when ds was ready to be home on his own while dd
and I would go out. Well she didn't want to go then either. I knew they
were close but hadn't realized this would happen.
Just the other day both my children and I ended up discussing 'my'
fear/worry about them not getting out and doing things. The conversation
started out about all these homeschool summer activities going on around
here that I felt maybe they should take advantage of and at least try.
Things mostly that we/they'd not be able to do normally because of expense.
It didn't seem like such a big deal to me for them just to try one of two
things. Well! For the first time ever they turned it around on me and made
me realize it was really me that needed to work some thinking through not
them. <g> I can't say this is the entire deal but I now realize that I
wanted for them fond activities and memories like myself as a kid and that
was always away from home and my parents. Home was just a place to sleep
and eat. Home for them is totally different, much more than a place for
them to just eat and sleep. :-) I'm suddenly starting to see the house
we live in in a different way than I used to.
One last thing, I read a book recently about a television/radio talkshow
host here in the UK. His name is Jonathon Ross and he's about 40 now. He
had many brothers and sisters and his parents felt they could not provide
the opportunities for their children that they would have liked to. When he
was a young boy television here was just becoming popular and cheap enough
for the regular person to buy. His parents totally believed in the power of
TV and they felt their kids would have so many opportunities seeing and
hearing about things they never could or did that way. Jonathon says the TV
was almost always on even as background noise.
Joy
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Kris
My son is the same way and I have learned that it's because he gets car
sick, not just a little, he is out of commission for an hour or two after
riding in the car. I have concerns about the missing exposure to people and
places but we do our best to have lots of people around us at home.
Bottom line, though, if they want to be home and they are happy then it's
what they need. He and I spend a lot of time together, talking, playing
video games, watching tv and movies. In the course of that we talk about
people, places, cultures, ideas, etc and he seems to have a good grasp on it
all.
He chats with people online in other countries and even manages to converse
with those who know little english. Perhaps not knowing how this is
supposed to limit him makes it possible and, so far, all of my concerns have
been unnecessary.
Kris
sick, not just a little, he is out of commission for an hour or two after
riding in the car. I have concerns about the missing exposure to people and
places but we do our best to have lots of people around us at home.
Bottom line, though, if they want to be home and they are happy then it's
what they need. He and I spend a lot of time together, talking, playing
video games, watching tv and movies. In the course of that we talk about
people, places, cultures, ideas, etc and he seems to have a good grasp on it
all.
He chats with people online in other countries and even manages to converse
with those who know little english. Perhaps not knowing how this is
supposed to limit him makes it possible and, so far, all of my concerns have
been unnecessary.
Kris
On Thu, Jul 2, 2009 at 9:53 PM, Karen Hsu <kcbhsu@...> wrote:
> I don't know what other details might help, so I'll stop here. Any ideas on
> how to maybe figure out what's underlying his reluctance to leave, or maybe
> even thoughts on whether or not that's important.
>
> Karen
>
--
�I will not play tug o' war. I'd rather play hug o' war. Where everyone hugs
instead of tugs, Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug, Where everyone
kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins.�
Shel Silverstein
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<<< One last thing, I read a book recently about a television/radio
talkshow
I decorated sets on three occasions for "An Evening at the Academy Awards
with Jonathon Ross", when the BBC was televising the Oscars. He was here in
LA and held interviews with different people all evening as they watched the
telecast - his program filled the commercial breaks for the no-commercial
BBC telecast.
The repeat gig ended when they lost the contract (to Channel 4 I believe)
for a few years.
He's very tall and very into purple.
The first year I did it Jayn was a nursing toddler. I brought her with me,
and had a friend who knew her come and be the sitter with her, in the next
room. It was OK. The following year they told me I couldn't bring my baby to
the set anymore, because they were worried about insurance. That was OK too.
She came with me doing all my shopping but not to set. She visited for about
2 minutes with James then he took her away. She shopped the third year too,
and I worked it so that I wasn't there the night of the telecast. She was
much more patient in the car and visiting then (5 I think) than I think she
would be now, and she was content to have MacDonalds worked in to the day.
The experience did make it very clear to me that the kind of work I used to
do and unschooling parenting were not particularly compatible. She had a
better time when she came to the theater with me, but I think again it was
because she was so little.
I would say, in the absence of her friends for playdates, Jayn wants even
more of my attention now at 9, than she seemed to at 6. Maybe that's not
accurate, but my perception based on my belief that she "should" be more
capapble of entertaining herself at 9 than at 6. Maybe it's just the kind of
attention she wants is considerably more mentally demanding. She used to be
happy with me brushing the dolly's hair and zoneing out a bit while she
arranged them in rows with their teacups. Now she wants me to contribute
salient information and coherent dialog to the detective storyline the dolls
are enacting. (Meanwhile only she knows whodunit.)
It was a long time ago now that Jayn stopped being interested in attending
home school park days other than the play activity after dance class on
Tuesdays. She is somewhat of a homebody, although perhaps not to the extent
of the OP's son. She is always on the lookout for our neighbors to play
with. She likes to go out to specific friends' homes, rather than just go
out for the sake of it. If we had a large yard with gardening and a swing
set, she would probably want to go to the park even less. She likes theme
parks, and museums IF we are meeting her friends there.
It also comes in waves. When we are on nights, there are few places to go.
We have a built in down time in our schedule. It's harder for you having a
second child with higher social, out and about needs. I don't know what to
suggest, other than to state the problem and ask them both for their ideas
on solving the issue.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
talkshow
> host here in the UK. His name is Jonathon Ross and he's about 40Ready for a six degrees connection.
> now.>>>>>
I decorated sets on three occasions for "An Evening at the Academy Awards
with Jonathon Ross", when the BBC was televising the Oscars. He was here in
LA and held interviews with different people all evening as they watched the
telecast - his program filled the commercial breaks for the no-commercial
BBC telecast.
The repeat gig ended when they lost the contract (to Channel 4 I believe)
for a few years.
He's very tall and very into purple.
The first year I did it Jayn was a nursing toddler. I brought her with me,
and had a friend who knew her come and be the sitter with her, in the next
room. It was OK. The following year they told me I couldn't bring my baby to
the set anymore, because they were worried about insurance. That was OK too.
She came with me doing all my shopping but not to set. She visited for about
2 minutes with James then he took her away. She shopped the third year too,
and I worked it so that I wasn't there the night of the telecast. She was
much more patient in the car and visiting then (5 I think) than I think she
would be now, and she was content to have MacDonalds worked in to the day.
The experience did make it very clear to me that the kind of work I used to
do and unschooling parenting were not particularly compatible. She had a
better time when she came to the theater with me, but I think again it was
because she was so little.
I would say, in the absence of her friends for playdates, Jayn wants even
more of my attention now at 9, than she seemed to at 6. Maybe that's not
accurate, but my perception based on my belief that she "should" be more
capapble of entertaining herself at 9 than at 6. Maybe it's just the kind of
attention she wants is considerably more mentally demanding. She used to be
happy with me brushing the dolly's hair and zoneing out a bit while she
arranged them in rows with their teacups. Now she wants me to contribute
salient information and coherent dialog to the detective storyline the dolls
are enacting. (Meanwhile only she knows whodunit.)
It was a long time ago now that Jayn stopped being interested in attending
home school park days other than the play activity after dance class on
Tuesdays. She is somewhat of a homebody, although perhaps not to the extent
of the OP's son. She is always on the lookout for our neighbors to play
with. She likes to go out to specific friends' homes, rather than just go
out for the sake of it. If we had a large yard with gardening and a swing
set, she would probably want to go to the park even less. She likes theme
parks, and museums IF we are meeting her friends there.
It also comes in waves. When we are on nights, there are few places to go.
We have a built in down time in our schedule. It's harder for you having a
second child with higher social, out and about needs. I don't know what to
suggest, other than to state the problem and ask them both for their ideas
on solving the issue.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-= I can't say this is the entire deal but I now realize that I
wanted for them fond activities and memories like myself as a kid and
that
was always away from home and my parents. Home was just a place to sleep
and eat. Home for them is totally different, much more than a place for
them to just eat and sleep. :-) I'm suddenly starting to see the house
we live in in a different way than I used to.-=-
Holly and I are going to Silver City today, and it's a five your
drive, and I would rather stay home. I'm sure I'll have fun, but all
things being equal, if they could be, I'd WAY rather just be at my
house.
So I was wondering why I'm willing to go to England and to Wales (to
visit Joy in Wales, and meet these wise stay-at-home kids of hers
<g>). It's far enough to be really gone, maybe? I'm not sure.
Wednesday Holly and I went to our get-out-of-court meeting (I'll write
about that eventually), and I offered to get her a peach milk shake at
Blake's Lotaburger. We had seen the sign on the way there. Or
food. She said no thanks, she wanted to go home and put her passport
away.
She likes to be home. She likes to eat at home. If I "have to" be
home or I have to eat at home and we're not having company, it can
seem like punishment, in the very back of my mind.
These ideas don't even match. I'm just trying to report the emotions
behind my wanting to be home and also my happiness in being able to
eat or be elsewhere if I want to.
It's about choices, but my kids' choices don't have the overlays of
reward or avoidance that mine seem to have.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wanted for them fond activities and memories like myself as a kid and
that
was always away from home and my parents. Home was just a place to sleep
and eat. Home for them is totally different, much more than a place for
them to just eat and sleep. :-) I'm suddenly starting to see the house
we live in in a different way than I used to.-=-
Holly and I are going to Silver City today, and it's a five your
drive, and I would rather stay home. I'm sure I'll have fun, but all
things being equal, if they could be, I'd WAY rather just be at my
house.
So I was wondering why I'm willing to go to England and to Wales (to
visit Joy in Wales, and meet these wise stay-at-home kids of hers
<g>). It's far enough to be really gone, maybe? I'm not sure.
Wednesday Holly and I went to our get-out-of-court meeting (I'll write
about that eventually), and I offered to get her a peach milk shake at
Blake's Lotaburger. We had seen the sign on the way there. Or
food. She said no thanks, she wanted to go home and put her passport
away.
She likes to be home. She likes to eat at home. If I "have to" be
home or I have to eat at home and we're not having company, it can
seem like punishment, in the very back of my mind.
These ideas don't even match. I'm just trying to report the emotions
behind my wanting to be home and also my happiness in being able to
eat or be elsewhere if I want to.
It's about choices, but my kids' choices don't have the overlays of
reward or avoidance that mine seem to have.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
> I too always worried at least a little that he was missing out onSometimes extroverted parents are rather hard on their introverted kids,
> things and realized only the other day that I never really understood how he
> could love being home so much of the time!
so my first thought was that you needed to adjust your expectations to
his personality and allow for him to be a homebody. But, only going out
of the house once in a month does sound like a pretty extreme aversion
to leaving the house, so maybe it is more than that he is introverted
and you're not.
Maybe you're just not offering him very fun options outside the house.
Also, going out to play in the yard is a lot different than going out to
go to the store or to someone else's house to have fun or to a movie or
an amusement park or to the park or the beach or a pool or other really
fun things. I have known kids who didn't play outside - all their
interests were indoors. That wouldn't worry me. I'd worry about him
getting enough physical activity, but there are options for that either
indoors or going to parks, etc.
Seems to me, and I have no personal experience of this to base it on, so
just from an outside analytical perspective, that there could be a big
difference between wanting to stay home versus not wanting to go out.
If a kid is busy and happy and going out would interrupt his productive
joyful life, that's different than a kid being afraid or anxious about
going out.
Also, I'd think about how he is with other people when they come to his
own house. Does he enjoy having friends over sometimes? Does he interact
with the family?
Also, not leaving the house except for once in a month, three times in
two months, does sound kind of extreme and I would also worry that he's
not getting the kind of experience of the world that I'd want my kids to
have, so I think your concerns are reasonable. You can bring a lot of
the world to him, but taking him out into the world really is part of
unschooling. On the other hand, he's young and probably a very
introverted kid who doesn't have high social needs and it may be that he
simply has everything he needs right there to keep him blissfully happy.
If that's the case, I would probably, if I was his mom, entice him out
once a week or so because "I" would feel that he was missing out on
things - simple things like seeing the piles of fruits and veggies at
the grocery store or the big heavy machinery at a construction site or
cool things like a children's museum or hands-on science center or a
movie on a big screen in a theater, etc.
How did it go the few times he has been out of the house? Where did you
go and how did he seem to feel about it at the time? Was he interested
in the world around hm? Did he socialize? Did he have fun? Or was he
anxious and thinking about getting back home? Are you worried that he
has developed agoraphobia?
Also, was there a time when he used to like to go with you when you went
out? Did he ever ask to go when you were leaving to go to the grocery
store, for example? Is this a personality change or he's always been
like this?
What if you were going out to someplace really fantastic - Disneyland,
for example? Would he want to go? What if you had a trampoline or a
swimming pool in your yard?
No answers - but maybe the questions will help you think it through.
-pam
Karen Hsu
I think there's an amount of anxiety, but I can't pinpoint it, and he won't
discuss it. I've offered lots and lots of out of the house activities -
things that range from simple shopping trips to amusement parks to friends'
houses (friends he likes, and his response is that they can come to our
house) to parks to grandparents' house to McDonalds. I started to feel like
I was pressuring too much, so lately I tell him where I'm going, and ask if
he wants to come. Or I'll tell him if something cool is going on (recently
he decided to skip a friend's birthday party) and let him decide if he wants
to go.
He enjoys when people come here, but I can see that he gets easily
overwhelmed, so we space out visits and don't have more than one family over
at a time usually. We have a mother's helper come once a week and he loves
playing with her, and seeks out a lot of adult interaction when we have
families over.
There are times when he will say he wants to go somewhere, and then change
his mind as we're putting shoes on or getting in the van. If I try to keep
momentum and encourage the trip, he gets very upset, and we will change our
plans because he is so distressed about having to go. The 1-2 times I've
forced it, I've regretted it. He frequently says he wants to do things, but
he doesn't want to actually follow through - within the past week he
mentioned wanting to go mini-golfing, and I've said "let's go", and he says
not now, maybe another day (and when I mention going another day, he says
"no thank you").
He seems to have fun when we go places - he's social, but is awkward at
engaging people - I stay close by to help.
Another example - he's always loved fireworks, and they're happening tonight
nearby our house (about a 15 minute drive), and when I told him about them
he said that he wanted me or his dad to take video and pictures and come
back and show them to him - he does not want to go himself. We've seen
fireworks the past two years and he loved them both times. There was a time
when he liked to go out, and his willingness to go along with us tapered off
over the past two years.
He gets a lot of physical activity - we have an indoor trampoline, and a
slip-n-slide, and a good mattress for bouncing, and a swing set, and he
loves to battle with our pool noodle light sabers. He seeks out physical
play (sometimes not in a respectful way), and I think that could decrease if
he were out and about more.
I worry about him missing out on the kinds of things Pam mentioned. And our
family doesn't get it either - their opinion is why would we let a
five-year-old dictate whether or not we'll be at a family BBQ. They haven't
said it, but I think they blame us and think that if we made him go more
places then he wouldn't want to be home so much. I don't know what else to
do to entice him though, and I don't like the idea of forcing it either.
______________________
Karen
http://houseofhsus.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
discuss it. I've offered lots and lots of out of the house activities -
things that range from simple shopping trips to amusement parks to friends'
houses (friends he likes, and his response is that they can come to our
house) to parks to grandparents' house to McDonalds. I started to feel like
I was pressuring too much, so lately I tell him where I'm going, and ask if
he wants to come. Or I'll tell him if something cool is going on (recently
he decided to skip a friend's birthday party) and let him decide if he wants
to go.
He enjoys when people come here, but I can see that he gets easily
overwhelmed, so we space out visits and don't have more than one family over
at a time usually. We have a mother's helper come once a week and he loves
playing with her, and seeks out a lot of adult interaction when we have
families over.
There are times when he will say he wants to go somewhere, and then change
his mind as we're putting shoes on or getting in the van. If I try to keep
momentum and encourage the trip, he gets very upset, and we will change our
plans because he is so distressed about having to go. The 1-2 times I've
forced it, I've regretted it. He frequently says he wants to do things, but
he doesn't want to actually follow through - within the past week he
mentioned wanting to go mini-golfing, and I've said "let's go", and he says
not now, maybe another day (and when I mention going another day, he says
"no thank you").
He seems to have fun when we go places - he's social, but is awkward at
engaging people - I stay close by to help.
Another example - he's always loved fireworks, and they're happening tonight
nearby our house (about a 15 minute drive), and when I told him about them
he said that he wanted me or his dad to take video and pictures and come
back and show them to him - he does not want to go himself. We've seen
fireworks the past two years and he loved them both times. There was a time
when he liked to go out, and his willingness to go along with us tapered off
over the past two years.
He gets a lot of physical activity - we have an indoor trampoline, and a
slip-n-slide, and a good mattress for bouncing, and a swing set, and he
loves to battle with our pool noodle light sabers. He seeks out physical
play (sometimes not in a respectful way), and I think that could decrease if
he were out and about more.
I worry about him missing out on the kinds of things Pam mentioned. And our
family doesn't get it either - their opinion is why would we let a
five-year-old dictate whether or not we'll be at a family BBQ. They haven't
said it, but I think they blame us and think that if we made him go more
places then he wouldn't want to be home so much. I don't know what else to
do to entice him though, and I don't like the idea of forcing it either.
______________________
>--
> Maybe you're just not offering him very fun options outside the house.
>
>
> Also, I'd think about how he is with other people when they come to his
> own house. Does he enjoy having friends over sometimes? Does he interact
> with the family?
>
> If that's the case, I would probably, if I was his mom, entice him out
> once a week or so
>
> How did it go the few times he has been out of the house? Where did you
> go and how did he seem to feel about it at the time? Was he interested
> in the world around hm? Did he socialize? Did he have fun? Or was he
> anxious and thinking about getting back home? Are you worried that he
> has developed agoraphobia?
>
> Also, was there a time when he used to like to go with you when you went
> out? Did he ever ask to go when you were leaving to go to the grocery
> store, for example? Is this a personality change or he's always been
> like this?
>
> _._,_
>
Karen
http://houseofhsus.blogspot.com/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/3/2009 12:29:15 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
kcbhsu@... writes:
<<<He enjoys when people come here, but I can see that he gets easily
overwhelmed,>>>
When we're over, he doesn't *seem* to "easily" overwhelmed-maybe one time,
right when we first started coming over. But any more, it really just
seems like kids who are still learning how to socialize with folks, adjusting
in the ways they know how. That being *said*, we don't live with you. :~)
That's just our perception (Wyl and I), when we're visiting.
I know when I'm feeling anxious about an aspect of something with my kids,
I can perceive my kids through a distorted lens-a lens that seems to
magnify the things that are "less positive" and all but obliterates the obvious
stuff. If I can realize that I'm doing that, I can step back and set my
anxiety aside (even for a bit, but hopefully for longer) and wipe that lens off
and see more clearly. I seem to have that happen more often when I'm in
"public comparison" places, like gymnastics, where there are general public
parents, kids and coaches and lots of "measuring up" of kids skills and
abilities. I know to be extra vigilant when I'm there.
Peace,
De
**************Make your summer sizzle with fast and easy recipes for the
grill. (http://food.aol.com/grilling?ncid=emlcntusfood00000005)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kcbhsu@... writes:
<<<He enjoys when people come here, but I can see that he gets easily
overwhelmed,>>>
When we're over, he doesn't *seem* to "easily" overwhelmed-maybe one time,
right when we first started coming over. But any more, it really just
seems like kids who are still learning how to socialize with folks, adjusting
in the ways they know how. That being *said*, we don't live with you. :~)
That's just our perception (Wyl and I), when we're visiting.
I know when I'm feeling anxious about an aspect of something with my kids,
I can perceive my kids through a distorted lens-a lens that seems to
magnify the things that are "less positive" and all but obliterates the obvious
stuff. If I can realize that I'm doing that, I can step back and set my
anxiety aside (even for a bit, but hopefully for longer) and wipe that lens off
and see more clearly. I seem to have that happen more often when I'm in
"public comparison" places, like gymnastics, where there are general public
parents, kids and coaches and lots of "measuring up" of kids skills and
abilities. I know to be extra vigilant when I'm there.
Peace,
De
**************Make your summer sizzle with fast and easy recipes for the
grill. (http://food.aol.com/grilling?ncid=emlcntusfood00000005)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Bernadette Lynn
2009/7/3 Karen Hsu <kcbhsu@...>
very like my eldest daughter. I really hope your problems don't stem from
the same source but it might help someone if I mention it.
Charlotte's reluctance to leave the house started at around the same age,
although at the time we put it down to a disastrous few months in school.
We realised that some of it was a fear of getting lost - she would
occasionally go into a screaming panic if we were out and started to go home
a different way; she's gradually lost that fear but we stuck mostly to known
routes for two or three years.
The other big thing turned out to be physical. We always thought she was
very active but as she grew older the difference between Charlotte's
'active' and everyone else's became obvious as she was stopping to rest
frequently in between bursts of activity. She ate well, slept well and was
slim, so we thought the amount of activity she was getting was right. Well,
it was, for her. She was also small for her age, but that again was
something which became more obvious as time went on.
Then a few months ago she was diagnosed with a heart condition, which was
sapping her energy all the time. She was never really aware of how tired she
was because to her it was 'normal' so she was unable to tell us there was
something wrong. Now I realise that trips out, however much she enjoyed
them, were generally just too physically stressful for her, though she was
never able to explain that.
Since she had treatment she has become more adventurous, comes out with us
more willingly (though she's still a homebody) and even asks to go out. I
wonder if even her fear of getting lost was because she instinctively knew
she needed to nurse her energy.
She's now nine and a half, I had a sneaking suspicion since she was tiny
that there was something wrong but it was easy to dismiss that when the
doctor told me she was healthy, until recently. Now on the other side I can
see such a huge difference I wonder how I missed seeing how ill she was but
it was just the way she was.
Bernadette.
--
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/U15459
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> There are times when he will say he wants to go somewhere, and then changeAlthough I try not to post here, I can't help feeling that your son sounds
> his mind as we're putting shoes on or getting in the van. If I try to keep
> momentum and encourage the trip, he gets very upset, and we will change our
> plans because he is so distressed about having to go.
>
> ------
> He gets a lot of physical activity - we have an indoor trampoline, and a
> slip-n-slide, and a good mattress for bouncing, and a swing set, and he
> loves to battle with our pool noodle light sabers. He seeks out physical
> play (sometimes not in a respectful way), and I think that could decrease
> if
> he were out and about more.
>
very like my eldest daughter. I really hope your problems don't stem from
the same source but it might help someone if I mention it.
Charlotte's reluctance to leave the house started at around the same age,
although at the time we put it down to a disastrous few months in school.
We realised that some of it was a fear of getting lost - she would
occasionally go into a screaming panic if we were out and started to go home
a different way; she's gradually lost that fear but we stuck mostly to known
routes for two or three years.
The other big thing turned out to be physical. We always thought she was
very active but as she grew older the difference between Charlotte's
'active' and everyone else's became obvious as she was stopping to rest
frequently in between bursts of activity. She ate well, slept well and was
slim, so we thought the amount of activity she was getting was right. Well,
it was, for her. She was also small for her age, but that again was
something which became more obvious as time went on.
Then a few months ago she was diagnosed with a heart condition, which was
sapping her energy all the time. She was never really aware of how tired she
was because to her it was 'normal' so she was unable to tell us there was
something wrong. Now I realise that trips out, however much she enjoyed
them, were generally just too physically stressful for her, though she was
never able to explain that.
Since she had treatment she has become more adventurous, comes out with us
more willingly (though she's still a homebody) and even asks to go out. I
wonder if even her fear of getting lost was because she instinctively knew
she needed to nurse her energy.
She's now nine and a half, I had a sneaking suspicion since she was tiny
that there was something wrong but it was easy to dismiss that when the
doctor told me she was healthy, until recently. Now on the other side I can
see such a huge difference I wonder how I missed seeing how ill she was but
it was just the way she was.
Bernadette.
--
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/U15459
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jennifer Varela
On Fri, Jul 3, 2009 at 12:27 PM, Karen Hsu <kcbhsu@...> wrote:
younger sibling? I just thought I'd bring it up, I know it's a lot
different when I have one child with me or both of them. They both have
different ways of interacting and my 4yo son, who is extremely outgoing,
talks to everyone. So, then, my 7yo daughter feels a little put on the
spot because now she has sort of been thrown into a social situation. Even
though she's more introverted, she's fine with it. She likes to talk to
people, just not quite as much as her little brother does. :-)
Also, when my daughter was younger, we liked to just go and hang out
places. Not really have an agenda, or any sort of "thing to do". We would
just go to the mall to do whatever she wanted to do there, sit and watch
people, walk around and look at things. It kind of took the pressure off of
the outing.
Jen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >>>There was a timeI'm just wondering if you offer to take him places alone, without his
> when he liked to go out, and his willingness to go along with us tapered
> off
> over the past two years.<<<
younger sibling? I just thought I'd bring it up, I know it's a lot
different when I have one child with me or both of them. They both have
different ways of interacting and my 4yo son, who is extremely outgoing,
talks to everyone. So, then, my 7yo daughter feels a little put on the
spot because now she has sort of been thrown into a social situation. Even
though she's more introverted, she's fine with it. She likes to talk to
people, just not quite as much as her little brother does. :-)
Also, when my daughter was younger, we liked to just go and hang out
places. Not really have an agenda, or any sort of "thing to do". We would
just go to the mall to do whatever she wanted to do there, sit and watch
people, walk around and look at things. It kind of took the pressure off of
the outing.
Jen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kelly_sturman
My Caleb (12) is a person who both loves home
and gets stressed when out and about--the
poster who distinguished those two made
a great point: they are two different
issues--and he went through a period when
he really needed to be at home. He was very
anxious at that time.
And we, too, had an extroverted child who needed to
be out and about. We didn't go out as a family much
for awhile there; one parent would stay home with Caleb
and one would go out with Amelia.
Caleb has strong interpersonal and intrapersonal skills,
and people are drawn to him. When he was younger, that
felt like a burden to him. He told me so. I believed
him.
He preferred to stay at home not only because
home is safe and interesting and fun, but also
because he had a hard time not feeling other people's
feelings. If anybody in the room had tense body language,
or was speaking in a less than gentle way... anywhere
around him; it didn't have to be in interaction with him...
he would empathize with that person to the extent that he
would feel their feelings.
He still does that, but now he has a greater awareness of
doing it, and while he can't (yet?) NOT empathize to that
extent, the awareness does allow him to get out to do things
he really does want to do, like team gymnastics, or music
lessons, or public performances of his music, or skiing.
He plans on joining Civil Air Patrol this autumn; he wants
to get his pilot's license. This is a young man who was
once so afraid of heights that he would not cross a bridge.
(And he crosses suspension bridges almost daily, too, to
go to the museum, or just to the hot truck for a bite to
eat.)
He socializes easily with people of all ages, in the sense
that if I didn't tell you he was introverted, you wouldn't
know it. He is very engaging and a great conversationalist;
people are very at ease around him. But he is keenly aware
of everything that is going on around him, and he gets overstimulated, and then he needs to be home, alone, or with
just the quieter members of the family, to recharge his batteries.
Another issue is transitions: Many of us in this family
will continue what we are doing even when it has stopped
being joyful, when a change of pace or activity or scene
would feel good, because it can feel hard to stop, change
gears, prepare to do someting else, and then go and actually
do it. All of us most always feel glad when we choose to make
the effort to switch gears, but it *is* an effort. Increased awareness of that has also been helpful in going out, or
choosing not to. We allow ourselves enough time to prepare
to segue from one thing to the next, and are gentle with our-
selves about the fact that it *is* challenging for us.
I think it helps to realize that being sensitive, or
introverted, or a homebody, is not a bad thing, not at all.
OTOH, if your child is not just sensitive, but out-and-out
anxious, I would certainly do what I could to calm that.
Progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery meditation,
massage, warm baths, soothing music, cuddling his parents
and pets, and quiet nature walks all helped soothe Caleb
when he was your child's age. They still do, but now he also
reads, watches a soothing TV show, or does martial arts forms,
or yoga, or plays a game, or a musical instrument. He has
developed an awareness of which activity would be most calming,
but when he was younger, he needed me to try different things
for him to see what would help most.
I understand about family judgements. At the height of Caleb's anxiety, he would not cross a bridge. Our town is criss-crossed
with gorges, so avoiding bridges is hard. It meant driving miles
out of the way instead of taking a direct route. Yes, I was
judged for letting a "preschooler dictate" (<--not my words,
the critic's words) our route.
When our family expanded and we were looking to buy a larger
house, we really liked one that sat right on a gorge, with a
view of a waterfall out the back windows and a view of the lake
in the valley below out the front windows. You could hear the waterfall from the house, and that is a sound that I find very
soothing. But Caleb was not at all comfortable about living on
a property that was situated on a cliff, so we didn't buy it.
Lots of people didn't understand listening to a child's
opinion on where to live. But it was going to be his home!
I still one acquaintance who tells me that Caleb needs to go
to school to get over his shyness. He's not shy, and he doesn't
need to go to school. The fact is that her son is an unhappy kid, and finds Caleb's presence very soothing. But Caleb finds the
interaction tiring, so Caleb doesn't like to spend much time with him, and so doesn't hang out with him much. But she doesn't see
her son's unhappiness. It is easier for her to label my son "shy" for turning down invitations.
I have had family not understand why I didn't want them to turn
on the News Hour in my home, in a room where my young children
were playing. I've had people comment that it's weird that
Caleb sometimes chooses to watch some movies with the sound
turned off and the closed captioning turned on. It's not weird;
it's very healthy. Caleb is aware that he is affected by
soundtracks--most of us are; that's why movies have 'em; but he
is *very* strongly emotionally affected by music--and so, if the music is pulling on his emotions, he will turn it off and choose
to read the dialogue.
People may come around to understanding, or they may not.
In our family, they mostly have. It took time though. (Heck,
we are still working on it ourselves, trying to parent,and to
live, more and more mindfully.)
Meanwhile, Caleb has become a lot more involved in the world
beyond the walls of his home than I once thought might be possible. I am happy about that, not because I think it is better, but
because I see that he is happily doing the things that he wants to
do.
Kelly Sturman
and gets stressed when out and about--the
poster who distinguished those two made
a great point: they are two different
issues--and he went through a period when
he really needed to be at home. He was very
anxious at that time.
And we, too, had an extroverted child who needed to
be out and about. We didn't go out as a family much
for awhile there; one parent would stay home with Caleb
and one would go out with Amelia.
Caleb has strong interpersonal and intrapersonal skills,
and people are drawn to him. When he was younger, that
felt like a burden to him. He told me so. I believed
him.
He preferred to stay at home not only because
home is safe and interesting and fun, but also
because he had a hard time not feeling other people's
feelings. If anybody in the room had tense body language,
or was speaking in a less than gentle way... anywhere
around him; it didn't have to be in interaction with him...
he would empathize with that person to the extent that he
would feel their feelings.
He still does that, but now he has a greater awareness of
doing it, and while he can't (yet?) NOT empathize to that
extent, the awareness does allow him to get out to do things
he really does want to do, like team gymnastics, or music
lessons, or public performances of his music, or skiing.
He plans on joining Civil Air Patrol this autumn; he wants
to get his pilot's license. This is a young man who was
once so afraid of heights that he would not cross a bridge.
(And he crosses suspension bridges almost daily, too, to
go to the museum, or just to the hot truck for a bite to
eat.)
He socializes easily with people of all ages, in the sense
that if I didn't tell you he was introverted, you wouldn't
know it. He is very engaging and a great conversationalist;
people are very at ease around him. But he is keenly aware
of everything that is going on around him, and he gets overstimulated, and then he needs to be home, alone, or with
just the quieter members of the family, to recharge his batteries.
Another issue is transitions: Many of us in this family
will continue what we are doing even when it has stopped
being joyful, when a change of pace or activity or scene
would feel good, because it can feel hard to stop, change
gears, prepare to do someting else, and then go and actually
do it. All of us most always feel glad when we choose to make
the effort to switch gears, but it *is* an effort. Increased awareness of that has also been helpful in going out, or
choosing not to. We allow ourselves enough time to prepare
to segue from one thing to the next, and are gentle with our-
selves about the fact that it *is* challenging for us.
I think it helps to realize that being sensitive, or
introverted, or a homebody, is not a bad thing, not at all.
OTOH, if your child is not just sensitive, but out-and-out
anxious, I would certainly do what I could to calm that.
Progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery meditation,
massage, warm baths, soothing music, cuddling his parents
and pets, and quiet nature walks all helped soothe Caleb
when he was your child's age. They still do, but now he also
reads, watches a soothing TV show, or does martial arts forms,
or yoga, or plays a game, or a musical instrument. He has
developed an awareness of which activity would be most calming,
but when he was younger, he needed me to try different things
for him to see what would help most.
I understand about family judgements. At the height of Caleb's anxiety, he would not cross a bridge. Our town is criss-crossed
with gorges, so avoiding bridges is hard. It meant driving miles
out of the way instead of taking a direct route. Yes, I was
judged for letting a "preschooler dictate" (<--not my words,
the critic's words) our route.
When our family expanded and we were looking to buy a larger
house, we really liked one that sat right on a gorge, with a
view of a waterfall out the back windows and a view of the lake
in the valley below out the front windows. You could hear the waterfall from the house, and that is a sound that I find very
soothing. But Caleb was not at all comfortable about living on
a property that was situated on a cliff, so we didn't buy it.
Lots of people didn't understand listening to a child's
opinion on where to live. But it was going to be his home!
I still one acquaintance who tells me that Caleb needs to go
to school to get over his shyness. He's not shy, and he doesn't
need to go to school. The fact is that her son is an unhappy kid, and finds Caleb's presence very soothing. But Caleb finds the
interaction tiring, so Caleb doesn't like to spend much time with him, and so doesn't hang out with him much. But she doesn't see
her son's unhappiness. It is easier for her to label my son "shy" for turning down invitations.
I have had family not understand why I didn't want them to turn
on the News Hour in my home, in a room where my young children
were playing. I've had people comment that it's weird that
Caleb sometimes chooses to watch some movies with the sound
turned off and the closed captioning turned on. It's not weird;
it's very healthy. Caleb is aware that he is affected by
soundtracks--most of us are; that's why movies have 'em; but he
is *very* strongly emotionally affected by music--and so, if the music is pulling on his emotions, he will turn it off and choose
to read the dialogue.
People may come around to understanding, or they may not.
In our family, they mostly have. It took time though. (Heck,
we are still working on it ourselves, trying to parent,and to
live, more and more mindfully.)
Meanwhile, Caleb has become a lot more involved in the world
beyond the walls of his home than I once thought might be possible. I am happy about that, not because I think it is better, but
because I see that he is happily doing the things that he wants to
do.
Kelly Sturman
Pam Sorooshian
I was also thinking, at first, that some physical problem might be
present, but then the child was described as playing on the trampoline,
etc., and being very active, so that seems less likely to be the problem.
I also knew a child with a heart condition that nobody recognized for a
long time and, interestingly, she also became very loathe to go places.
I'm sure that being out and about just wasn't that much fun for her,
when she was exhausted all the time.So I think it is worth considering
the possibility of a physical problem.
I've been thinking about the descriptions of this particular 5 year old
and I'm kind of thinking that the focus maybe is on the wrong thing -
maybe it isn't him not wanting to go out (especially since he says he
wants to go, at first, then back out at the time). Maybe it is that he
has a whole lot of inertia - a person who doesn't like to change where
they are and what they are doing. Maybe it would be worthwhile, at
least, to assume that is the real reason and come up with ways to
approach transitions that might work better for him.
I had the opposite - really the exact opposite problem - with Roya (now
24). She'd be eager to get out the door, have a blast, but get very
anxious when we were turning the corner to our house and pulling in the
driveway. She wanted to know "What are we doing next?" The open,
unplanned time was hard for her to face. She really didn't have any
trouble filling it - she would go in and find all kinds of cool things
to do. But anticipating it was anxiety-provoking for her. It helped a
lot for me to have something planned for when she walked in the door. I
could say, "When we get inside, Mr Rogers will be on if you want to
watch it." Or I could say, "When we go in, will you get the legos out
and play with your sister for a few minutes?" It didn't matter what it
was - just something to focus on was all she needed.
I don't know if there is anything in that which might help, but I do
recommend focusing on the possibility that it is transitions that are
hard for him, rather than being out. Difficulty with transitions is so
very common in young kids - people here will have all kind of ideas how
to make transitions more comfortable, I'm sure.
-Pam
present, but then the child was described as playing on the trampoline,
etc., and being very active, so that seems less likely to be the problem.
I also knew a child with a heart condition that nobody recognized for a
long time and, interestingly, she also became very loathe to go places.
I'm sure that being out and about just wasn't that much fun for her,
when she was exhausted all the time.So I think it is worth considering
the possibility of a physical problem.
I've been thinking about the descriptions of this particular 5 year old
and I'm kind of thinking that the focus maybe is on the wrong thing -
maybe it isn't him not wanting to go out (especially since he says he
wants to go, at first, then back out at the time). Maybe it is that he
has a whole lot of inertia - a person who doesn't like to change where
they are and what they are doing. Maybe it would be worthwhile, at
least, to assume that is the real reason and come up with ways to
approach transitions that might work better for him.
I had the opposite - really the exact opposite problem - with Roya (now
24). She'd be eager to get out the door, have a blast, but get very
anxious when we were turning the corner to our house and pulling in the
driveway. She wanted to know "What are we doing next?" The open,
unplanned time was hard for her to face. She really didn't have any
trouble filling it - she would go in and find all kinds of cool things
to do. But anticipating it was anxiety-provoking for her. It helped a
lot for me to have something planned for when she walked in the door. I
could say, "When we get inside, Mr Rogers will be on if you want to
watch it." Or I could say, "When we go in, will you get the legos out
and play with your sister for a few minutes?" It didn't matter what it
was - just something to focus on was all she needed.
I don't know if there is anything in that which might help, but I do
recommend focusing on the possibility that it is transitions that are
hard for him, rather than being out. Difficulty with transitions is so
very common in young kids - people here will have all kind of ideas how
to make transitions more comfortable, I'm sure.
-Pam
On 7/3/2009 11:29 AM, Bernadette Lynn wrote:
> Although I try not to post here, I can't help feeling that your son sounds
> very like my eldest daughter. I really hope your problems don't stem from
> the same source but it might help someone if I mention it.
>
g-liberatedlearning
Here's another possibility to consider. This happened in our family.
When Zoe developed an extreme fear of throwing up along with it came
fear of exposure to things that might make her sick, or might make
somebody else sick. If and when we did have her out and about in
public places she would often grow panicky and request that we leave
immediately. She wouldn't say why she wanted to leave, and I hadn't
quite figured out what was going on with her yet, so I'd resist
leaving, trying to persuade her to just put up with being wherever we
were for just a little bit longer so the rest of the family could
enjoy it. The day she turned away from me and headed towards the car
on her own, was the day I knew there was a force compelling her to get
the heck out of there much stronger than my persuasive pleading.
It took awhile but I started to connect the dots and when she stopped
agreeing to go just about anywhere, even to places she used to love to
go to -- like grandma and grandpa's house or the park to play with
friends, I was able to talk to her about it and realized that she
didn't trust me to take her need to leave a place seriously. So, my
husband and I started making contingent plans -- we never took her
anywhere with us unless we had a plan for at least one of us to be
able to leave with her. Sometimes this required driving two cars to
parties or family gatherings. Then, if she started to get anxious and
wanted to leave, one of us would exit immediately with her, no
questions asked. After we did this a few times she started to trust
us again and she began agreeing to go out into public more often. She
still prefers to hang out at home but she is much more relaxed and
even enjoys occasional outings for errands and social events now.
Another discovery was that she gets nauseated riding in the car quite
easily. Sucking on a mint seems to help for short trips so I try to
keep a stash in the car for her. For longer trips, we make sure we
keep the temperature comfortable, distract her with lots of
entertainment, don't let her tummy get empty and make frequent stops.
Just a few things to consider.
Chris in IA
When Zoe developed an extreme fear of throwing up along with it came
fear of exposure to things that might make her sick, or might make
somebody else sick. If and when we did have her out and about in
public places she would often grow panicky and request that we leave
immediately. She wouldn't say why she wanted to leave, and I hadn't
quite figured out what was going on with her yet, so I'd resist
leaving, trying to persuade her to just put up with being wherever we
were for just a little bit longer so the rest of the family could
enjoy it. The day she turned away from me and headed towards the car
on her own, was the day I knew there was a force compelling her to get
the heck out of there much stronger than my persuasive pleading.
It took awhile but I started to connect the dots and when she stopped
agreeing to go just about anywhere, even to places she used to love to
go to -- like grandma and grandpa's house or the park to play with
friends, I was able to talk to her about it and realized that she
didn't trust me to take her need to leave a place seriously. So, my
husband and I started making contingent plans -- we never took her
anywhere with us unless we had a plan for at least one of us to be
able to leave with her. Sometimes this required driving two cars to
parties or family gatherings. Then, if she started to get anxious and
wanted to leave, one of us would exit immediately with her, no
questions asked. After we did this a few times she started to trust
us again and she began agreeing to go out into public more often. She
still prefers to hang out at home but she is much more relaxed and
even enjoys occasional outings for errands and social events now.
Another discovery was that she gets nauseated riding in the car quite
easily. Sucking on a mint seems to help for short trips so I try to
keep a stash in the car for her. For longer trips, we make sure we
keep the temperature comfortable, distract her with lots of
entertainment, don't let her tummy get empty and make frequent stops.
Just a few things to consider.
Chris in IA
Sandra Dodd
-=-. He frequently says he wants to do things, but
he doesn't want to actually follow through - within the past week he
mentioned wanting to go mini-golfing, and I've said "let's go", and he
says
not now, maybe another day (and when I mention going another day, he
says
"no thank you").-=-
I know that feeling personally, and it's becoming moreso as I get
older. I WANT to want to go. It sounds like a good idea when it's
distant. But when it's the day before, I wondered why I agreed, and
on the day I kinda hope an emergency of a non-life-threatening non-
world-harming sort will save me, deus-ex-machina, from actually having
to go.
We just got back from Silver City, a gallery opening. It was really
great while we were there. The trip down wasn't awful. The trip
home was scary and awful and dangerous and rainy and dark and we got
lost and called for a friend to read us weather maps and road maps,
and stayed in a dank sort of motel in Truth or Consequences, and now
we're home! The world is great again! I LOVE my house.
Keith wanted to drive to see Kirby in Austin a few months back. I did
not. It's not that I don't love Kirby, and didn't want to see his
house. It's that every moment of an interstate drive seems dangerous
to me. If I am injured or lost, who will keep up my website? Who
will file all my papers? Who will get Steve and Beau's wedding photos
on a disc and over to their house?
I'm offering these stories as possible insight into someone who
prefers staying to going.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
he doesn't want to actually follow through - within the past week he
mentioned wanting to go mini-golfing, and I've said "let's go", and he
says
not now, maybe another day (and when I mention going another day, he
says
"no thank you").-=-
I know that feeling personally, and it's becoming moreso as I get
older. I WANT to want to go. It sounds like a good idea when it's
distant. But when it's the day before, I wondered why I agreed, and
on the day I kinda hope an emergency of a non-life-threatening non-
world-harming sort will save me, deus-ex-machina, from actually having
to go.
We just got back from Silver City, a gallery opening. It was really
great while we were there. The trip down wasn't awful. The trip
home was scary and awful and dangerous and rainy and dark and we got
lost and called for a friend to read us weather maps and road maps,
and stayed in a dank sort of motel in Truth or Consequences, and now
we're home! The world is great again! I LOVE my house.
Keith wanted to drive to see Kirby in Austin a few months back. I did
not. It's not that I don't love Kirby, and didn't want to see his
house. It's that every moment of an interstate drive seems dangerous
to me. If I am injured or lost, who will keep up my website? Who
will file all my papers? Who will get Steve and Beau's wedding photos
on a disc and over to their house?
I'm offering these stories as possible insight into someone who
prefers staying to going.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-. He frequently says he wants to do things, but
he doesn't want to actually follow through - within the past week he
mentioned wanting to go mini-golfing, and I've said "let's go", and he
says
not now, maybe another day (and when I mention going another day, he
says
"no thank you").-=-
I know that feeling personally, and it's becoming moreso as I get
older. I WANT to want to go. It sounds like a good idea when it's
distant. But when it's the day before, I wondered why I agreed, and
on the day I kinda hope an emergency of a non-life-threatening non-
world-harming sort will save me, deus-ex-machina, from actually having
to go.
We just got back from Silver City, a gallery opening. It was really
great while we were there. The trip down wasn't awful. The trip
home was scary and awful and dangerous and rainy and dark and we got
lost and called for a friend to read us weather maps and road maps,
and stayed in a dank sort of motel in Truth or Consequences, and now
we're home! The world is great again! I LOVE my house.
Keith wanted to drive to see Kirby in Austin a few months back. I did
not. It's not that I don't love Kirby, and didn't want to see his
house. It's that every moment of an interstate drive seems dangerous
to me. If I am injured or lost, who will keep up my website? Who
will file all my papers? Who will get Steve and Beau's wedding photos
on a disc and over to their house?
I'm offering these stories as possible insight into someone who
prefers staying to going.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
he doesn't want to actually follow through - within the past week he
mentioned wanting to go mini-golfing, and I've said "let's go", and he
says
not now, maybe another day (and when I mention going another day, he
says
"no thank you").-=-
I know that feeling personally, and it's becoming moreso as I get
older. I WANT to want to go. It sounds like a good idea when it's
distant. But when it's the day before, I wondered why I agreed, and
on the day I kinda hope an emergency of a non-life-threatening non-
world-harming sort will save me, deus-ex-machina, from actually having
to go.
We just got back from Silver City, a gallery opening. It was really
great while we were there. The trip down wasn't awful. The trip
home was scary and awful and dangerous and rainy and dark and we got
lost and called for a friend to read us weather maps and road maps,
and stayed in a dank sort of motel in Truth or Consequences, and now
we're home! The world is great again! I LOVE my house.
Keith wanted to drive to see Kirby in Austin a few months back. I did
not. It's not that I don't love Kirby, and didn't want to see his
house. It's that every moment of an interstate drive seems dangerous
to me. If I am injured or lost, who will keep up my website? Who
will file all my papers? Who will get Steve and Beau's wedding photos
on a disc and over to their house?
I'm offering these stories as possible insight into someone who
prefers staying to going.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tina Boster
==== Maybe it is that he has a whole lot of inertia - a person who doesn't
like to change where they are and what they are doing. ====
Two of my kids have been like this since they were very young. Where ever
they are, that is where they want to be. I have a few tactics that help
with this. I always try to give them plenty of notice if we are going
somewhere. That way they won't be in the middle of something when it is
time to leave. I have told them on occasion that if we get there and they
aren't having fun, then we will leave (knowing that once we get there I will
have a hard time getting them to leave when it is time). I also like to
borrow a line from Pippi Longstocking: "If we don't leave, we can't come
back" (paraphrased). Not in a threatening way, but rather as a truism. My
kids get this. It is impossible to come back to a place if you never leave
it. I guess it has sort of turned into a joke in our family, but it helps
break the tension of not wanting to leave a place.
Also, when my boys first started having the option to stay home, they almost
always chose home in reaction to not having a choice in the past. Now that
they have gone through that phase, they are able to make choices based on
whether they actually want to go.
Finally, my middle child has a lot of sensory issues, and that influences
whether he wants to go somewhere. He doesn't like to be hot and sticky. He
doesn't like places that have a lot of noises competing with each other. He
doesn't like fluorescent lighting. The list goes on. As he is getting
older, he is becoming better able to deal with sensory input - especially if
there is something he particularly wants to do. He'll deal with the
florescent lighting in order to be able to look at toys in the store. But
this is something I know about my son, and I plan outings to places that are
potentially unpleasant for him at a time when he will be able to stay home.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
like to change where they are and what they are doing. ====
Two of my kids have been like this since they were very young. Where ever
they are, that is where they want to be. I have a few tactics that help
with this. I always try to give them plenty of notice if we are going
somewhere. That way they won't be in the middle of something when it is
time to leave. I have told them on occasion that if we get there and they
aren't having fun, then we will leave (knowing that once we get there I will
have a hard time getting them to leave when it is time). I also like to
borrow a line from Pippi Longstocking: "If we don't leave, we can't come
back" (paraphrased). Not in a threatening way, but rather as a truism. My
kids get this. It is impossible to come back to a place if you never leave
it. I guess it has sort of turned into a joke in our family, but it helps
break the tension of not wanting to leave a place.
Also, when my boys first started having the option to stay home, they almost
always chose home in reaction to not having a choice in the past. Now that
they have gone through that phase, they are able to make choices based on
whether they actually want to go.
Finally, my middle child has a lot of sensory issues, and that influences
whether he wants to go somewhere. He doesn't like to be hot and sticky. He
doesn't like places that have a lot of noises competing with each other. He
doesn't like fluorescent lighting. The list goes on. As he is getting
older, he is becoming better able to deal with sensory input - especially if
there is something he particularly wants to do. He'll deal with the
florescent lighting in order to be able to look at toys in the store. But
this is something I know about my son, and I plan outings to places that are
potentially unpleasant for him at a time when he will be able to stay home.
Tina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-
Caleb has strong interpersonal and intrapersonal skills,
and people are drawn to him. When he was younger, that
felt like a burden to him. He told me so. I believed
him. -=-
After I read this I thought of saying my friend Annalize is that way!
And I started to explain that her feelings are affected phyisically bu
others'--she will pick up their sorrow or agitation, but then you went
on to explain that:
-=-He preferred to stay at home not only because
home is safe and interesting and fun, but also
because he had a hard time not feeling other people's
feelings. If anybody in the room had tense body language,
or was speaking in a less than gentle way... anywhere
around him; it didn't have to be in interaction with him...
he would empathize with that person to the extent that he
would feel their feelings.-=-
I don't have the second part of it much, but I have have had people
look at me and start telling me their life stories, or they'll come up
to me when I'm at a restaurant or in line at a store, and sometime get
straight to divorce or death. I took a one-day workshop one day and
a woman offered me a ride home in her new Lexus. We were very
different kinds of people in just about every way, but she talked to
me about her divorce and her fears.
Maybe these people just really needed to talk and would've found
someone to talk to, but as it's happened since I was a kid, I think
there's something about me in it too.
-=-He still does that, but now he has a greater awareness of
doing it, and while he can't (yet?) NOT empathize to that
extent, the awareness does allow him to get out to do things
he really does want to do, like team gymnastics, or music
lessons, or public performances of his music, or skiing.-=-
My friend is in her 40's now and doesn't know how to turn it off, and
she's in the PhD program in communications and statistics at the
university here, and so it's not like she hasn't had the stimulus,
means or resources to consider it.
-=-He socializes easily with people of all ages, in the sense
that if I didn't tell you he was introverted, you wouldn't
know it. He is very engaging and a great conversationalist;
people are very at ease around him. But he is keenly aware
of everything that is going on around him, and he gets overstimulated,
and then he needs to be home, alone, or with
just the quieter members of the family, to recharge his batteries.-=-
Holly was mentioning just last night that her friend couldn't believe
that Keith or Marty were introverts.
I was asked if Marty would MC the talent show for the Good Vibrations
conference and I said he didn't want to (I knew but I asked him again
to make sure), because doing it at Live and Learn stressed him out too
much. People raved and said he was great, but it was a big effort
for him. And he's not a pick-up-emotion guy, either, but he is an
observe-more-than-most guy. So my kids will do it as a group, and
that way if one is getting stressed, another can pick up for a bit.
When I realized that Keith couldn't stay at parties as long as I
could, when we were in our 20's, we started finding ways to get around
it. He would pack the car, or go get ice for the party, or go outside
and pick up cans or bottles or whatever useful thing he could do by
himself while I said goodbye to people and got my last half hour of
partying in, and then we'd go. Or he would get a ride home early, or
I would stay and get a ride home later.
When we have parties at our house, Keith just disappears around 10:30
and the party continues for several hours more.
If I tried to press him to socialize past his tolerance, or if he
tried to make me stop just because he was done, we'd probably not
still be together after 30 years.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Caleb has strong interpersonal and intrapersonal skills,
and people are drawn to him. When he was younger, that
felt like a burden to him. He told me so. I believed
him. -=-
After I read this I thought of saying my friend Annalize is that way!
And I started to explain that her feelings are affected phyisically bu
others'--she will pick up their sorrow or agitation, but then you went
on to explain that:
-=-He preferred to stay at home not only because
home is safe and interesting and fun, but also
because he had a hard time not feeling other people's
feelings. If anybody in the room had tense body language,
or was speaking in a less than gentle way... anywhere
around him; it didn't have to be in interaction with him...
he would empathize with that person to the extent that he
would feel their feelings.-=-
I don't have the second part of it much, but I have have had people
look at me and start telling me their life stories, or they'll come up
to me when I'm at a restaurant or in line at a store, and sometime get
straight to divorce or death. I took a one-day workshop one day and
a woman offered me a ride home in her new Lexus. We were very
different kinds of people in just about every way, but she talked to
me about her divorce and her fears.
Maybe these people just really needed to talk and would've found
someone to talk to, but as it's happened since I was a kid, I think
there's something about me in it too.
-=-He still does that, but now he has a greater awareness of
doing it, and while he can't (yet?) NOT empathize to that
extent, the awareness does allow him to get out to do things
he really does want to do, like team gymnastics, or music
lessons, or public performances of his music, or skiing.-=-
My friend is in her 40's now and doesn't know how to turn it off, and
she's in the PhD program in communications and statistics at the
university here, and so it's not like she hasn't had the stimulus,
means or resources to consider it.
-=-He socializes easily with people of all ages, in the sense
that if I didn't tell you he was introverted, you wouldn't
know it. He is very engaging and a great conversationalist;
people are very at ease around him. But he is keenly aware
of everything that is going on around him, and he gets overstimulated,
and then he needs to be home, alone, or with
just the quieter members of the family, to recharge his batteries.-=-
Holly was mentioning just last night that her friend couldn't believe
that Keith or Marty were introverts.
I was asked if Marty would MC the talent show for the Good Vibrations
conference and I said he didn't want to (I knew but I asked him again
to make sure), because doing it at Live and Learn stressed him out too
much. People raved and said he was great, but it was a big effort
for him. And he's not a pick-up-emotion guy, either, but he is an
observe-more-than-most guy. So my kids will do it as a group, and
that way if one is getting stressed, another can pick up for a bit.
When I realized that Keith couldn't stay at parties as long as I
could, when we were in our 20's, we started finding ways to get around
it. He would pack the car, or go get ice for the party, or go outside
and pick up cans or bottles or whatever useful thing he could do by
himself while I said goodbye to people and got my last half hour of
partying in, and then we'd go. Or he would get a ride home early, or
I would stay and get a ride home later.
When we have parties at our house, Keith just disappears around 10:30
and the party continues for several hours more.
If I tried to press him to socialize past his tolerance, or if he
tried to make me stop just because he was done, we'd probably not
still be together after 30 years.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
>and then he needs to be home, alone, or with
> Caleb has strong interpersonal and intrapersonal skills,
> and people are drawn to him. ...>
> He preferred to stay at home not only because
> home is safe and interesting and fun, but also
> because he had a hard time not feeling other people's
> feelings. If anybody in the room had tense body language,
> or was speaking in a less than gentle way... anywhere
> around him; it didn't have to be in interaction with him...
> he would empathize with that person to the extent that he
> would feel their feelings.
>
> He still does that, but now he has a greater awareness of
> doing it, and while he can't (yet?) NOT empathize to that
> extent, the awareness does allow him to get out to do things
> he really does want to do
> He socializes easily with people of all ages, in the sense
> that if I didn't tell you he was introverted, you wouldn't
> know it. He is very engaging and a great conversationalist;
> people are very at ease around him. But he is keenly aware
> of everything that is going on around him, and he gets overstimulated,
> just the quieter members of the family, to recharge his batteries.All of that would describe Chamille! She's learning how to be more
social in group situations. She pushes herself because she wants to,
then she goes home and dens up. People have always been attracted to
her solid-ness, to her calm and quiet, to her listening and good
suggestions.
We were having a conversation yesterday about this very thing! I had
been talking to her boyfriend on the phone and he was telling me about
how different they are in this area. He was saying how he's super
social, which I already knew, and that, thus far he's been
non-discriminating about who he hangs out with, any person will do.
Since he's been hanging out with Chamille a lot, he's finding out ways
to be more discriminating in a healthy way, and he's helping Chamille be
more comfortable just hanging out in groups of people.
Since Chamille is really discriminating about who she hangs out with, it
becomes more about quality over quantity, as she gets older and meets
more people, she's starting to get a nice quantity of quality friends.
It makes her boyfriend feel special that she is choosing to hang out
with him, because he knows without a doubt that she can and does choose
to be by herself over hanging out with just anybody.
I pointed out that I'm more of a hang out with people kind of person, I
can be shy at first, but mostly I like to talk with people and hang out
and be very social, but that John really would prefer to be at home
doing his thing. I go to a lot of outings without him. He didn't even
go to the unschooling conference this year because he just couldn't
handle the social stuff at the time. A few of the men at the conference
were asking about him, and after explaining why he wasn't there, most of
them told me that they felt the same way, but were pushing themselves
out of their comfort zones to be there and experience the conference.
They sent their well wishing on with me to extend to my husband.
Chamille was telling me that sometimes Cyle's social-ness is
overwhelming, but she's finding ways to be ok with it, because she knows
that it's who he is as a person, so she's willing to accept that part of
him and find ways to work with it. He is finding ways to get his social
stuff in and accept Chamille's need for quiet alone time, which he's
happy to be included in! I find it all very fascinating, because I know
adults who can't seem to get this part of relationship stuff, that give
and take, and meeting people where they are at, and accepting the person
for who they are rather than changing them to be someone they are not to
meet their own needs.
Their relationship is not like anything that I've seen in young people.
I'm still trying to figure out why it's so different.
John and Amanda Slater
My boys often enjoy being home. One thing I try to is to spend some of the money I would spend if they wanted to go out, making life more interesting at home.
For example, last week I wanted to to the boys to a free summer movie and then use our free summer bowling coupons. They did not want to do either. I would have spent $4 on snacks at the movie and $4.50 on shoes for bowling. We ended up adding movies to our Netflix account instead. Sometimes we buy toys or kits or games or....
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 6
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
For example, last week I wanted to to the boys to a free summer movie and then use our free summer bowling coupons. They did not want to do either. I would have spent $4 on snacks at the movie and $4.50 on shoes for bowling. We ended up adding movies to our Netflix account instead. Sometimes we buy toys or kits or games or....
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 6
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Karen Hsu
I've been thinking a lot about the responses over the past couple of days.
Pam mentioned that it might be about transitions, and I definitely think
that's part of it. He used to really have a hard time leaving somewhere to
come home, that's not the case anymore. If anyone has ideas for transitions
that we haven't tried, I'd love to hear them - we always give a lot of
warning - he likes countdowns, so we usually give him a 20 min heads up,
then 10, then 5. I've tried to not do that, but he asks for it, so I do
it. I've offered to stop and get food, drinks, a new toy, a visit to a
favorite place, etc, along the way. We have a DVD player in our van, so we
usually put a DVD in while we're driving, and anything that's portable I'll
offer to take too (or just pack up and put in the van) - his DS mostly,
snacks and other fun things. In the event that car sickness plays a role
I've gotten gum and air fresheners.
I do feel like I ought to coax him out, but there doesn't seem to be
anything that he's willing to leave the house for. I've tried really hard
(too hard I think) to get him to talk about it, and he doesn't. He changes
the subject, he doesn't respond, or he agrees with whatever I've said in a
way that says to me that he wants me to shut up and move on.
Part of me is worried for him, but I also am very tense about not going
anywhere. I wouldn't consider myself an extrovert, but I definitely like
getting out of the house. Mostly I like to get out of the house for a
change of atmosphere and because it changes the dynamics within our family.
I feel cooped up a lot, and he is high energy, and I have a hard time
keeping peace in the house when we don't go anywhere. When we're at the
park or a friend's house the focus is shifted to new and different things (I
bring new things in often, as someone suggested, but it's not the same as
being out). He and his sister generally get along, but when we're all in
the same space every day, all day, I notice that tensions start to run high,
and they fight more.
I appreciate any more ideas or food for thought folks have.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam mentioned that it might be about transitions, and I definitely think
that's part of it. He used to really have a hard time leaving somewhere to
come home, that's not the case anymore. If anyone has ideas for transitions
that we haven't tried, I'd love to hear them - we always give a lot of
warning - he likes countdowns, so we usually give him a 20 min heads up,
then 10, then 5. I've tried to not do that, but he asks for it, so I do
it. I've offered to stop and get food, drinks, a new toy, a visit to a
favorite place, etc, along the way. We have a DVD player in our van, so we
usually put a DVD in while we're driving, and anything that's portable I'll
offer to take too (or just pack up and put in the van) - his DS mostly,
snacks and other fun things. In the event that car sickness plays a role
I've gotten gum and air fresheners.
I do feel like I ought to coax him out, but there doesn't seem to be
anything that he's willing to leave the house for. I've tried really hard
(too hard I think) to get him to talk about it, and he doesn't. He changes
the subject, he doesn't respond, or he agrees with whatever I've said in a
way that says to me that he wants me to shut up and move on.
Part of me is worried for him, but I also am very tense about not going
anywhere. I wouldn't consider myself an extrovert, but I definitely like
getting out of the house. Mostly I like to get out of the house for a
change of atmosphere and because it changes the dynamics within our family.
I feel cooped up a lot, and he is high energy, and I have a hard time
keeping peace in the house when we don't go anywhere. When we're at the
park or a friend's house the focus is shifted to new and different things (I
bring new things in often, as someone suggested, but it's not the same as
being out). He and his sister generally get along, but when we're all in
the same space every day, all day, I notice that tensions start to run high,
and they fight more.
I appreciate any more ideas or food for thought folks have.
Karen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
DJ250
Not sure if it's been said yet but you can support him while sharing with him that this is a family and we need to consider where others in the family would like to go and/or what they'd like to do. Doing an exchange-type thing seems to be helpful, though bear in mind the person who has to go where they don't want to isn't super happy about it (hey, sometimes they actually end up ENJOYING the place we've gone that they SAID they would never enjoy!) but the important thing is that they know their want(s) has/have been considered. So, to clarify, what I mean by "exchange" is saying "We'll go to the store this morning to look for what you wanted and this afternoon will be your sister's turn to go to the park. What would you like to bring to the park to make it more enjoyable for you?".
My .02
~Melissa, in MD :)
My .02
~Melissa, in MD :)
----- Original Message -----
From: Karen Hsu
To: [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, July 07, 2009 8:40 AM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] 5-year-old doesn't want to go anywhere
I've been thinking a lot about the responses over the past couple of days.
Pam mentioned that it might be about transitions, and I definitely think
that's part of it. He used to really have a hard time leaving somewhere to
come home, that's not the case anymore. If anyone has ideas for transitions
that we haven't tried, I'd love to hear them - we always give a lot of
warning - he likes countdowns, so we usually give him a 20 min heads up,
then 10, then 5. I've tried to not do that, but he asks for it, so I do
it. I've offered to stop and get food, drinks, a new toy, a visit to a
favorite place, etc, along the way. We have a DVD player in our van, so we
usually put a DVD in while we're driving, and anything that's portable I'll
offer to take too (or just pack up and put in the van) - his DS mostly,
snacks and other fun things. In the event that car sickness plays a role
I've gotten gum and air fresheners.
I do feel like I ought to coax him out, but there doesn't seem to be
anything that he's willing to leave the house for. I've tried really hard
(too hard I think) to get him to talk about it, and he doesn't. He changes
the subject, he doesn't respond, or he agrees with whatever I've said in a
way that says to me that he wants me to shut up and move on.
Part of me is worried for him, but I also am very tense about not going
anywhere. I wouldn't consider myself an extrovert, but I definitely like
getting out of the house. Mostly I like to get out of the house for a
change of atmosphere and because it changes the dynamics within our family.
I feel cooped up a lot, and he is high energy, and I have a hard time
keeping peace in the house when we don't go anywhere. When we're at the
park or a friend's house the focus is shifted to new and different things (I
bring new things in often, as someone suggested, but it's not the same as
being out). He and his sister generally get along, but when we're all in
the same space every day, all day, I notice that tensions start to run high,
and they fight more.
I appreciate any more ideas or food for thought folks have.
Karen
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carenkh
I'm wondering if there's a difference in your interactions with him when you're out? Are you less available? If you go to a park, are you playing WITH him, or do you sit on a bench while he plays? If you're shopping, are you chatting with him, including him in the purchases, or are you focusing on the shopping?
That's something that just popped into my mind, as I read your last post, there might be a different quality to your interactions with him when you're out vs. when you're home.
Caren
That's something that just popped into my mind, as I read your last post, there might be a different quality to your interactions with him when you're out vs. when you're home.
Caren
John and Amanda Slater
--- On Tue, 7/7/09, carenkh <dharmamama1@...> wrote:
I'm wondering if there's a difference in your interactions with him when you're out? Are you less available?
****One thing I often notice is how I change while trying to get out of the house. I HATE being late, which makes me very focused on getting out the door. The boys often are not dressed hanging out in the house, so they need dressed, I always take snacks with us, and anything else I think we might possibly need. It is great once we are gone as we are always well packed, but I get very focused on getting out of the house and I am not at my best with the boys. Adding to the stress is the fact that the boys don't always want to follow through on plans, which somewhat eliminates my ability to get ready early.
I would not be surprised if my boys sometimes want to avoid "Focused Mom." Although I have to say she does not come out nearly as often I she used to, I am learning which parts can be done early and how to take the stress out of the last minute items.
AmandaEli 8, Samuel 6
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pamela kaplan
I've been reading this thread with interest, as I have a 4 yr old who often
doesn't want to leave the house.
I become Focused Mom too, and one thing that's helped a lot here is to pack
lunch boxes every morning, regardless of what I think our plans will be.
Same idea as Monkey Platters, each of us has a "Monkey Box", a bento-style
lunch box, that can be quickly thrown in a cooler if we decide to go on an
adventure. (The Monkey Boxes also work well when we end up staying at home
- my 2 yr old grazes on it all day long, and my 4 yr old waits until
mid-afternoon and then devours the whole thing in one sitting.)
~Pamela
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doesn't want to leave the house.
>> I am learning which parts can be done early and how to take the stressout of the last minute items.
I become Focused Mom too, and one thing that's helped a lot here is to pack
lunch boxes every morning, regardless of what I think our plans will be.
Same idea as Monkey Platters, each of us has a "Monkey Box", a bento-style
lunch box, that can be quickly thrown in a cooler if we decide to go on an
adventure. (The Monkey Boxes also work well when we end up staying at home
- my 2 yr old grazes on it all day long, and my 4 yr old waits until
mid-afternoon and then devours the whole thing in one sitting.)
~Pamela
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JoyErin
-= So I was wondering why I'm willing to go to England and to Wales (to
visit Joy in Wales, and meet these wise stay-at-home kids of hers
<g>). It's far enough to be really gone, maybe? I'm not sure. =-
I've been enjoying pondering this question and not just because Sandra said
my children were wise. <g> One of the reasons I've been thinking about
this is that we haven't made our holiday plans/bookings yet this year like
many people here in the UK probably did in Jan. or Feb and we've been
discussing where everyone would enjoy going most atm. The other day dd
wanted to know about Slovenia and thought it might be nice to go there. I
don't think we're ready for there yet as a family but maybe we will be in a
year or two.
2 years ago our family went on our first full 2 week holiday. I knew if I
wanted to travel again and have everyone be at least ok with going somewhere
again I needed this trip to be as easy going and fun as possible for
everyone. Thankfully it worked out even better than I'd planned for with
the things the northern part of France had to offer. WWII unexpectedly
became more than just history online or in a book somewhere, as it was an
interest even if just a little that we all had we went with it. I'd never
thought about how the old abandoned bunkers and other military buildings
from the war are still everywhere. So many other things to see as well left
from that time, out for all to see. Some of the old war buildings are now
museums too, wonderfully non glossy - simple, and inexpensive. One old
lookout/firing bunker had even since crashed down from a hillside onto the
beach and the way it fell one could still walk up some stairs inside and
look across the beach. It reminded me of the movie planet of apes where the
statue of liberty is in the sand, only this was real. I felt this urge to
get down on my knees in the sand in front of it but resisted. ;)
I'm thinking before unschooling I would never have had such a holiday. Or
if we did we wouldn't have enjoyed ourselves so much. We never made it to
the Disney Park outside Paris. We probably will check out Parc Asterix
next time we go to France though. Since our trip the kids were really into
the books for awhile and most French people would probably say to visit Parc
Asterix before the Disney one! <g>
Joy
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18:06:00
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visit Joy in Wales, and meet these wise stay-at-home kids of hers
<g>). It's far enough to be really gone, maybe? I'm not sure. =-
I've been enjoying pondering this question and not just because Sandra said
my children were wise. <g> One of the reasons I've been thinking about
this is that we haven't made our holiday plans/bookings yet this year like
many people here in the UK probably did in Jan. or Feb and we've been
discussing where everyone would enjoy going most atm. The other day dd
wanted to know about Slovenia and thought it might be nice to go there. I
don't think we're ready for there yet as a family but maybe we will be in a
year or two.
2 years ago our family went on our first full 2 week holiday. I knew if I
wanted to travel again and have everyone be at least ok with going somewhere
again I needed this trip to be as easy going and fun as possible for
everyone. Thankfully it worked out even better than I'd planned for with
the things the northern part of France had to offer. WWII unexpectedly
became more than just history online or in a book somewhere, as it was an
interest even if just a little that we all had we went with it. I'd never
thought about how the old abandoned bunkers and other military buildings
from the war are still everywhere. So many other things to see as well left
from that time, out for all to see. Some of the old war buildings are now
museums too, wonderfully non glossy - simple, and inexpensive. One old
lookout/firing bunker had even since crashed down from a hillside onto the
beach and the way it fell one could still walk up some stairs inside and
look across the beach. It reminded me of the movie planet of apes where the
statue of liberty is in the sand, only this was real. I felt this urge to
get down on my knees in the sand in front of it but resisted. ;)
I'm thinking before unschooling I would never have had such a holiday. Or
if we did we wouldn't have enjoyed ourselves so much. We never made it to
the Disney Park outside Paris. We probably will check out Parc Asterix
next time we go to France though. Since our trip the kids were really into
the books for awhile and most French people would probably say to visit Parc
Asterix before the Disney one! <g>
Joy
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18:06:00
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