3.5 year old and baby sister
saturnfire16
I need some advice on how to react better to my 3.5 year old daughter Ezabella when she hurts her 11 month old sister.
This is what she does:
Grabs toys away from her sister.
Picks her sister up.
Pushes her down.
"Helps" her walk.
Holds her sister's hand or puts her feet in her sister's face, even after her sister is no longer thinks it's funny.
These are the things I've tried:
Reminding her to be gentle.
Sitting on the floor between them to try to it work out. "Liliana is playing with the toy now, but when she's done, you can play with the toy."
Making sure Ezabella has her own toys that she doesn't have to share. If Liliana is playing with one of Ezabella's toys, and Ezabella wants it back, I distract Liliana and get it for her. I remind Ezabella to ask me to help, not just grab it out of Liliana's hands.
Removing the baby from the room.
Taking Ezabella's hands or feet off her sister.
Those are the things I can do in rational moments. My knee-jerk reaction is to yell at her to STOP HURTING YOUR SISTER. I have also picked her up and moved her to hard and hurt her, or even pushed her down to get her away from the baby. I'm ashamed of doing that, and trying really hard not to. I get in this place where all I see is red in my anger over her hurting her sister, and I can't think of doing any of the things I posted above. My husband is struggling with doing the exact same things.
I *know* that she is still a baby herself, lacks impulse control, loves her sister, often is trying to help her when she hurts her accidetally, cannot be expected to stop herself even when she sees that Liliana doesn't like it, hasn't developed empathy. I know all that stuff intellectually. But in the heat of the moment, all that goes right out the window and I just get mad that the baby is hurt again.
So, what other things can I try? And how can I get myself to a place where I can remember all this in the moment, rather than just having a reaction to my anger?
Emily
This is what she does:
Grabs toys away from her sister.
Picks her sister up.
Pushes her down.
"Helps" her walk.
Holds her sister's hand or puts her feet in her sister's face, even after her sister is no longer thinks it's funny.
These are the things I've tried:
Reminding her to be gentle.
Sitting on the floor between them to try to it work out. "Liliana is playing with the toy now, but when she's done, you can play with the toy."
Making sure Ezabella has her own toys that she doesn't have to share. If Liliana is playing with one of Ezabella's toys, and Ezabella wants it back, I distract Liliana and get it for her. I remind Ezabella to ask me to help, not just grab it out of Liliana's hands.
Removing the baby from the room.
Taking Ezabella's hands or feet off her sister.
Those are the things I can do in rational moments. My knee-jerk reaction is to yell at her to STOP HURTING YOUR SISTER. I have also picked her up and moved her to hard and hurt her, or even pushed her down to get her away from the baby. I'm ashamed of doing that, and trying really hard not to. I get in this place where all I see is red in my anger over her hurting her sister, and I can't think of doing any of the things I posted above. My husband is struggling with doing the exact same things.
I *know* that she is still a baby herself, lacks impulse control, loves her sister, often is trying to help her when she hurts her accidetally, cannot be expected to stop herself even when she sees that Liliana doesn't like it, hasn't developed empathy. I know all that stuff intellectually. But in the heat of the moment, all that goes right out the window and I just get mad that the baby is hurt again.
So, what other things can I try? And how can I get myself to a place where I can remember all this in the moment, rather than just having a reaction to my anger?
Emily
saturnfire16
So, I did a lot of thinking on this myself tonight, and I blogged about what I came up with here http://peaceondarknights.blogspot.com/
Comments on that blog post would be appreciated too. Maybe you all will see something coming out in my wording that I need to think through more.
Emily
Comments on that blog post would be appreciated too. Maybe you all will see something coming out in my wording that I need to think through more.
Emily