being at one with your children
Sandra Dodd
I have a new tool for my idea toolbox, but it's a simple antique tool.
I've loved the history of native English words since I was nine years
old, but here's an important one I had never known until today. I
subscribe to the wordsmith mailing list. There's a website, too.
Today's word is "atone."
http://wordsmith.org/words/atone.html
It means "to make amends for."
In these days the words "atonement" and "amends" live in church and
Alcoholics Anonymous, pretty much.
When one atones for sin, the intent is to bring him back to God, "back
into the fold," or to be at peace with God. To be at one with God.
That last part is the linguistic basis of it I hadn't seen or heard
explained before.
When a recovering alcoholic or someone in any twelve-step program that
grew out of AA "makes amends," the idea is to make as much verbal or
other atonement as the other person might desire or accept, if the
other person is still alive or available. (My summary; not straight
from the literature or traditional recommendations of the groups.)
The purpose of amends is to bring the person back into the life of a
person who has rejected him, sometimes. Or to mend a relationship,
even just a little, which helps mend the soul and conscience of the
"twelve stepper" who has made the effort to acknowledge hurts he did
or failures caused by the focus on something other than being present
and supportive of other people.
In attachment parenting terms (used quite a bit in unschooling
discussions), it's being a partner instead of an adversary. Being on
the same team. Being your child's support system. Being present
with your child. Being present for your child. With infants, La
Leche League used the term "unit"--the mother and child unit, or
pair. Those describe the temporary symbiotic single being of the
infant and nursing mother.
Unschooling can evolve easily when that relationship exists between a
parent and child, and the mother takes care not to break the bonds.
School is the biggest bond-breaking machine ever created. They break
sibling bonds too, when they can. Even twins are separated into
different classes (in my experience, having gone to school with twins
and taught several sets of twins).
When a family comes to unschooling by a route other than attachment
parenting, the mother needs to atone. She has parented in ways she
no longer is proud of or comfortable with. The regret and sorrow
aren't hard to muster, when one is trying to create a more peaceful
relationship with a child. The recommendations on this list have
been "apologize," and "make up for it now," but the word for those
things is "atone."
(to be continued in another post later)
Sandra
I've loved the history of native English words since I was nine years
old, but here's an important one I had never known until today. I
subscribe to the wordsmith mailing list. There's a website, too.
Today's word is "atone."
http://wordsmith.org/words/atone.html
It means "to make amends for."
In these days the words "atonement" and "amends" live in church and
Alcoholics Anonymous, pretty much.
When one atones for sin, the intent is to bring him back to God, "back
into the fold," or to be at peace with God. To be at one with God.
That last part is the linguistic basis of it I hadn't seen or heard
explained before.
When a recovering alcoholic or someone in any twelve-step program that
grew out of AA "makes amends," the idea is to make as much verbal or
other atonement as the other person might desire or accept, if the
other person is still alive or available. (My summary; not straight
from the literature or traditional recommendations of the groups.)
The purpose of amends is to bring the person back into the life of a
person who has rejected him, sometimes. Or to mend a relationship,
even just a little, which helps mend the soul and conscience of the
"twelve stepper" who has made the effort to acknowledge hurts he did
or failures caused by the focus on something other than being present
and supportive of other people.
In attachment parenting terms (used quite a bit in unschooling
discussions), it's being a partner instead of an adversary. Being on
the same team. Being your child's support system. Being present
with your child. Being present for your child. With infants, La
Leche League used the term "unit"--the mother and child unit, or
pair. Those describe the temporary symbiotic single being of the
infant and nursing mother.
Unschooling can evolve easily when that relationship exists between a
parent and child, and the mother takes care not to break the bonds.
School is the biggest bond-breaking machine ever created. They break
sibling bonds too, when they can. Even twins are separated into
different classes (in my experience, having gone to school with twins
and taught several sets of twins).
When a family comes to unschooling by a route other than attachment
parenting, the mother needs to atone. She has parented in ways she
no longer is proud of or comfortable with. The regret and sorrow
aren't hard to muster, when one is trying to create a more peaceful
relationship with a child. The recommendations on this list have
been "apologize," and "make up for it now," but the word for those
things is "atone."
(to be continued in another post later)
Sandra
Maria
> When a family comes to unschooling by a route other than attachmentThis is exactly where we are right now, although I did started out with attachment parenting, I lacked support (I was alone for 6 months on a new military base, husband sailing the blue seas). We took Seth out of the bed at 8 months, and then I night-weaned him at 10 months (I should have listened to Nate who held him for 5 minutes and then gave him to me and said, "just nurse him!"). I see now those 45 minutes of him crying in my arms and my denying him what he needed as the point at which it became, solidly, "Maria vs. Seth." He stopped nursing around his first birthday when I would not allow him to bite me.
> parenting, the mother needs to atone. She has parented in ways she
> no longer is proud of or comfortable with. The regret and sorrow
> aren't hard to muster, when one is trying to create a more peaceful
> relationship with a child. The recommendations on this list have
> been "apologize," and "make up for it now," but the word for those
> things is "atone."
>
> (to be continued in another post later)
>
> Sandra
>
So much to atone for, I feel. Things seem to be getting better: I don't feel as guilty anymore, and he comes up to me randomly saying, "Mommy, I love you." Which makes me feel like I must be doing something right. Trust seems to be rebuilding; by giving him more, he gives more to us, and others.
Here's a Daily Groove post by Scott Noelle that really speaks to me:
:: No Regrets ::
As you progress and become a wiser parent, you may at
times feel regret that you didn't "know better" when
your children were younger. You may even feel guilty
for "damaging" them. If so, let Mother Nature inspire
you to a more hopeful perspective.
Have you ever explored a wild forest and appreciated
the awesome way in which Life springs forth from the
chaos? Then you know Mother Nature never regrets. She
learns as she goes and always makes the best of things
as they are. She never looks back.
When a tree takes root in the shadows, Mother Nature
doesn't regret giving it a "sub-optimum" start in
life. She trusts it will bend toward the Light and
find a way to thrive. And in doing so, the tree
creates its own unique beauty.
She knows that no storm, flood, or fire can stop the
endless Flow of Life through her children.
http://dailygroove.net/no-regrets
============================================
So whenever I'm feeling like I really "f---ed that one up", I remind myself to do better and that he'll find the light. It's impossible for him not to.
Maria
[email protected]
In a message dated 27/05/2009 14:38:05 GMT Standard Time,
Sandra@... writes:
==When a family comes to unschooling by a route other than attachment
parenting, the mother needs to atone. She has parented in ways she
no longer is proud of or comfortable with. The regret and sorrow
aren't hard to muster, when one is trying to create a more peaceful
relationship with a child. The recommendations on this list have
been "apologize," and "make up for it now," but the word for those
things is "atone."==
This hits on exactly what I'm going through. Worse still, I did follow
attachment parenting right up until deciding to send Jess to school.
Somehow I have to explain to her (and myself) why I allowed societal norms
to eat away at my convictions, how I allowed myself to be swayed and
believe the naysayers who didn't like a child with a mind of her own and who
told me that she needed "structure". Why I stopped seeing this amazing child
through my eyes and started to view her through mainstream goggles, where
the things that make her unique - her individuality and her quick reactions
to frustration or injustice - became 'oddness' and 'a volatile temper'.
Why I believed that our financial and neighbourhood circumstances were reason
enough to assume that school was a better option for her.
So, to have set my child up with the belief that she could be absolutely
herself and to then have asked her to conform to the multiple petty rules of
a schooled life - now that's a lot of atonement to be getting on with!
(I'm trying to go with a combination of apology and changed patterns of
behaviour and making life as fun as possible).
I suppose the good thing is there's an element of timing on our side.
Just when those of us who have to atone in this way are asking our kids for
forgiveness, our kids are likely to be well-disposed to view us kindly
because they know that at last they've been listened to! At least I hope that's
the case.
Jude x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
==When a family comes to unschooling by a route other than attachment
parenting, the mother needs to atone. She has parented in ways she
no longer is proud of or comfortable with. The regret and sorrow
aren't hard to muster, when one is trying to create a more peaceful
relationship with a child. The recommendations on this list have
been "apologize," and "make up for it now," but the word for those
things is "atone."==
This hits on exactly what I'm going through. Worse still, I did follow
attachment parenting right up until deciding to send Jess to school.
Somehow I have to explain to her (and myself) why I allowed societal norms
to eat away at my convictions, how I allowed myself to be swayed and
believe the naysayers who didn't like a child with a mind of her own and who
told me that she needed "structure". Why I stopped seeing this amazing child
through my eyes and started to view her through mainstream goggles, where
the things that make her unique - her individuality and her quick reactions
to frustration or injustice - became 'oddness' and 'a volatile temper'.
Why I believed that our financial and neighbourhood circumstances were reason
enough to assume that school was a better option for her.
So, to have set my child up with the belief that she could be absolutely
herself and to then have asked her to conform to the multiple petty rules of
a schooled life - now that's a lot of atonement to be getting on with!
(I'm trying to go with a combination of apology and changed patterns of
behaviour and making life as fun as possible).
I suppose the good thing is there's an element of timing on our side.
Just when those of us who have to atone in this way are asking our kids for
forgiveness, our kids are likely to be well-disposed to view us kindly
because they know that at last they've been listened to! At least I hope that's
the case.
Jude x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-(I'm trying to go with a combination of apology and changed
patterns of
behaviour and making life as fun as possible).-=-
Ah! This is the part two I was going to get to this morning. I see
it's 3:30 and I still haven't started dinner, so.... thanks for the
unintended nudge!
Our culture seems about to lose the entire purpose and use of
greetings and apologies and amends, because people will say things
like this:
Greetings!
I would like to apologize.
I'm here to make amends.
Condolences.
Yeah, okay. So apologize! If someone lied to me and then comes and
says "I apologize," no they don't. An apology isn't the name of an
apology, but it's "I've thought about it and I see how hurtful it was
and I'm sorry I did that and I'll try not to do it in the future."
I just watched a movie that wasn't very good, and I mailed it right
back (netflix), but in it a woman is out of rehab and is supposed to
make amends and at her sister's rehearsal dinner she makes a toast
that isn't about her sister at all--it's all about her, and rehab, and
the fact that she's making amends with this speech. But she didn't.
And that's part of the story. The woman was crap at recovery. <g>
So here's the difference between saying sorry and making amends. It's
the difference between being sorry and making atonement:
Change.
And once changed, if you talk about it be specific. Say "I thought I
was doing the right thing when I used to say 'no' so much, but I
really like the feeling of thinking about it before I say yes or no."
Or say "I wish I had always let you sleep with me. If you were little
again, I would do it differently."
And be different.
And that can be atonement.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
patterns of
behaviour and making life as fun as possible).-=-
Ah! This is the part two I was going to get to this morning. I see
it's 3:30 and I still haven't started dinner, so.... thanks for the
unintended nudge!
Our culture seems about to lose the entire purpose and use of
greetings and apologies and amends, because people will say things
like this:
Greetings!
I would like to apologize.
I'm here to make amends.
Condolences.
Yeah, okay. So apologize! If someone lied to me and then comes and
says "I apologize," no they don't. An apology isn't the name of an
apology, but it's "I've thought about it and I see how hurtful it was
and I'm sorry I did that and I'll try not to do it in the future."
I just watched a movie that wasn't very good, and I mailed it right
back (netflix), but in it a woman is out of rehab and is supposed to
make amends and at her sister's rehearsal dinner she makes a toast
that isn't about her sister at all--it's all about her, and rehab, and
the fact that she's making amends with this speech. But she didn't.
And that's part of the story. The woman was crap at recovery. <g>
So here's the difference between saying sorry and making amends. It's
the difference between being sorry and making atonement:
Change.
And once changed, if you talk about it be specific. Say "I thought I
was doing the right thing when I used to say 'no' so much, but I
really like the feeling of thinking about it before I say yes or no."
Or say "I wish I had always let you sleep with me. If you were little
again, I would do it differently."
And be different.
And that can be atonement.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 27/05/2009 22:34:59 GMT Standard Time,
Sandra@... writes:
-=-If someone lied to me and then comes and
says "I apologize," no they don't. An apology isn't the name of an
apology, but it's "I've thought about it and I see how hurtful it was
and I'm sorry I did that and I'll try not to do it in the future."-=-
OMG, yeah! How often do adults say to kids "Don't say sorry unless you
mean it and you'll behave differently in future"? It's only fair that the
adults should follow that same principle.
Jude (working v. hard at changing and just 'being around' more!) x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
-=-If someone lied to me and then comes and
says "I apologize," no they don't. An apology isn't the name of an
apology, but it's "I've thought about it and I see how hurtful it was
and I'm sorry I did that and I'll try not to do it in the future."-=-
OMG, yeah! How often do adults say to kids "Don't say sorry unless you
mean it and you'll behave differently in future"? It's only fair that the
adults should follow that same principle.
Jude (working v. hard at changing and just 'being around' more!) x
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]