I want to change how I treat ALL kids
vaughn1674
I read the first chapter of my friend's memoir located on her blog last night and it has got my mind working, especially in regard to how I treat children. I asked her permission to include the link to her blog and story here:
http://threepeasinablog.blogspot.com/2009/05/not-yet-edited-cheap-beer-government.html
Last night I went to bed, lying awake for quite a while, thinking lots of things. First of all, once I remember saying to Amy, "I've got issues with food I think..." in regard to something we were talking about with me and kids and food. Well holy crap, I feel so insensitive for blurting that out kind of flippantly. I don't think it truly sank in with me back then that she and her brother were actually starving when they were kids. Secondly, Amy described with such clarity the way adults looked at them with contempt and disgust. So I laid awake in bed thinking about the way I look at or talk to kids, the neighborhood kids especially. It is different depending on the kid, sad to say. One I try to greet and talk pleasantly to because she's the only girl that shows up and I hate that little bit of boy vs. girl stuff that I overhear sometimes. But I soon tire of her chattering and end up not really listening after a while. I realize that I sort of look past some of the kids, which must make them feel ignored or invisible in my eyes. I don't do it to be mean. Sometimes it is out of habit. Sometimes it is because I don't want to interfere with the kids' relationships, the conversation between kids, or the game going on. But sometimes it is because I feel too busy and don't want to be bothered to get involved with what one of the kids may want to talk about. When I do speak up to say "Hi So and So," I feel kind of fake like I've only just remembered to try to be nice. In addition, I don't remember to talk to each & every one of them as they show up, and I think some kids may think I don't like them. Sometimes one of the older brothers (he's eleven but looks like a teenager) comes over to our yard too. He is polite and comes around quietly, looking at us like he's trying to figure out what we think of him. I think I mirror that look back at him, and only sometimes remember to greet him. With some kids I groan (to myself or to Owen, my husban) when they show up. Isn't that awful? I realize that they must tell by the look on my face, or Owen's face, (or the tone of our voices when we talk to them) that we think they are a pain in the butt. Also, sometimes I get indignant when kids show up expecting to eat or to share my kids' food. So does Owen. I feel awful about this selfishness now, though.
One day I was feeling "generous" when their was a large group of kids in our yards and sandbox, so I set out a box of fruit leathers (roughly 3+ for each kid, but I didn't specify.) I said "Here's some snacks, I only ask that you get the plastic wrappers into the trash when you're done," and showed them the trash can. The kids jumped on these with excitement and I felt good. Although, I'm embarrassed to say I pretty much only put these out because we have an oversupply, and my own kids don't really eat them much anymore. So anyway the next day, Ricky came over right after school and tried to get Colby to ask for food. I didn't quite understand what Colby was saying to me so I stuck my head out and asked "What?" Ricky asked, "Do we have anything for snack today?" I said, "No" and shut the door. I shudder to think what was the look on my face, despite my efforts to keep a poker face. Later when I told Owen about that, I was all indignant that I was 'being treated' like I was a school or a daycare. Well now, even though I'm not a "school," I realize that I am a source of things that all the kids are learning. Are these kids that show up at my house & yard going to learn from me that the world of grown-ups is essentially good and kind and generous? Are these neighborhood kids going to learn to share from what I'm modeling? Does it do Ricky (or me) any good for me to get irritated when he's asking Evan to try some of his food, or in the summer when he's trying to get pears out of my tree? Wouldn't it be better in the long run to say, "Are you hungry?" and give him something... or "Here, let me help you so the tree branch doesn't break," and hand him some pears?
Sometimes I worry about food rules or expectations that other kids' parents have set in place (like their dinner times and allowed snacks, or not expecting food from neighbors, etc.) and I don't want to interfere with their parenting. But right now I'm hesitantly thinking, "it's our property, we'll share if we want to." Maybe I should try always setting out snacks to share on our porch. Perhaps so-called 'good' things, (like a box of apples so the parents can't complain that I'm giving their kids candy,) and things I can try to get inexpensively since we ARE on a budget. That could give the neighborhood kids (who may be hungry) some real life experience in sharing, generosity, and self regulation. If their parents don't like it they can keep them off my property. That sounds harsh. What I mean is, I won't be responsible for enforcing their rules on my property. If their kid wants to eat an apple (or whatever) while here, I'm going to let them. They don't need to get a lesson of scarcity or adult food monitoring from me too, right? Then after a while, this experiment of giving could really pay off for me, the neighborhood kids, and my own kids, in more ways than one. Like making this REAL generosity and joy for me, and not just and "experiment."
Another thing I am considering, is just making myself present in the yard. Not trying to force myself to be nice & talkative, or greet kids awkwardly. But just sitting out there as often as possible with a book or some sewing or knitting. So I'll be down on their level and approachable. But at the same time staying out of their kid stuff if they don't want or need my interference. That way I can gradually learn how to "live with" all of these kids that show up all the time and I can learn how to really enjoy them and talk to them like the people they are.
I am new to unschooling and I'm ready for you all to critique my thinking or point me in the direction of illuminating things to read. I know I have lots of growing to do.
Thanks, Jenny Vaughn
(mom to Evan 5.5 years, Colby 3.5 years, and Valerie 1 year)
http://threepeasinablog.blogspot.com/2009/05/not-yet-edited-cheap-beer-government.html
Last night I went to bed, lying awake for quite a while, thinking lots of things. First of all, once I remember saying to Amy, "I've got issues with food I think..." in regard to something we were talking about with me and kids and food. Well holy crap, I feel so insensitive for blurting that out kind of flippantly. I don't think it truly sank in with me back then that she and her brother were actually starving when they were kids. Secondly, Amy described with such clarity the way adults looked at them with contempt and disgust. So I laid awake in bed thinking about the way I look at or talk to kids, the neighborhood kids especially. It is different depending on the kid, sad to say. One I try to greet and talk pleasantly to because she's the only girl that shows up and I hate that little bit of boy vs. girl stuff that I overhear sometimes. But I soon tire of her chattering and end up not really listening after a while. I realize that I sort of look past some of the kids, which must make them feel ignored or invisible in my eyes. I don't do it to be mean. Sometimes it is out of habit. Sometimes it is because I don't want to interfere with the kids' relationships, the conversation between kids, or the game going on. But sometimes it is because I feel too busy and don't want to be bothered to get involved with what one of the kids may want to talk about. When I do speak up to say "Hi So and So," I feel kind of fake like I've only just remembered to try to be nice. In addition, I don't remember to talk to each & every one of them as they show up, and I think some kids may think I don't like them. Sometimes one of the older brothers (he's eleven but looks like a teenager) comes over to our yard too. He is polite and comes around quietly, looking at us like he's trying to figure out what we think of him. I think I mirror that look back at him, and only sometimes remember to greet him. With some kids I groan (to myself or to Owen, my husban) when they show up. Isn't that awful? I realize that they must tell by the look on my face, or Owen's face, (or the tone of our voices when we talk to them) that we think they are a pain in the butt. Also, sometimes I get indignant when kids show up expecting to eat or to share my kids' food. So does Owen. I feel awful about this selfishness now, though.
One day I was feeling "generous" when their was a large group of kids in our yards and sandbox, so I set out a box of fruit leathers (roughly 3+ for each kid, but I didn't specify.) I said "Here's some snacks, I only ask that you get the plastic wrappers into the trash when you're done," and showed them the trash can. The kids jumped on these with excitement and I felt good. Although, I'm embarrassed to say I pretty much only put these out because we have an oversupply, and my own kids don't really eat them much anymore. So anyway the next day, Ricky came over right after school and tried to get Colby to ask for food. I didn't quite understand what Colby was saying to me so I stuck my head out and asked "What?" Ricky asked, "Do we have anything for snack today?" I said, "No" and shut the door. I shudder to think what was the look on my face, despite my efforts to keep a poker face. Later when I told Owen about that, I was all indignant that I was 'being treated' like I was a school or a daycare. Well now, even though I'm not a "school," I realize that I am a source of things that all the kids are learning. Are these kids that show up at my house & yard going to learn from me that the world of grown-ups is essentially good and kind and generous? Are these neighborhood kids going to learn to share from what I'm modeling? Does it do Ricky (or me) any good for me to get irritated when he's asking Evan to try some of his food, or in the summer when he's trying to get pears out of my tree? Wouldn't it be better in the long run to say, "Are you hungry?" and give him something... or "Here, let me help you so the tree branch doesn't break," and hand him some pears?
Sometimes I worry about food rules or expectations that other kids' parents have set in place (like their dinner times and allowed snacks, or not expecting food from neighbors, etc.) and I don't want to interfere with their parenting. But right now I'm hesitantly thinking, "it's our property, we'll share if we want to." Maybe I should try always setting out snacks to share on our porch. Perhaps so-called 'good' things, (like a box of apples so the parents can't complain that I'm giving their kids candy,) and things I can try to get inexpensively since we ARE on a budget. That could give the neighborhood kids (who may be hungry) some real life experience in sharing, generosity, and self regulation. If their parents don't like it they can keep them off my property. That sounds harsh. What I mean is, I won't be responsible for enforcing their rules on my property. If their kid wants to eat an apple (or whatever) while here, I'm going to let them. They don't need to get a lesson of scarcity or adult food monitoring from me too, right? Then after a while, this experiment of giving could really pay off for me, the neighborhood kids, and my own kids, in more ways than one. Like making this REAL generosity and joy for me, and not just and "experiment."
Another thing I am considering, is just making myself present in the yard. Not trying to force myself to be nice & talkative, or greet kids awkwardly. But just sitting out there as often as possible with a book or some sewing or knitting. So I'll be down on their level and approachable. But at the same time staying out of their kid stuff if they don't want or need my interference. That way I can gradually learn how to "live with" all of these kids that show up all the time and I can learn how to really enjoy them and talk to them like the people they are.
I am new to unschooling and I'm ready for you all to critique my thinking or point me in the direction of illuminating things to read. I know I have lots of growing to do.
Thanks, Jenny Vaughn
(mom to Evan 5.5 years, Colby 3.5 years, and Valerie 1 year)
Darcel
--- In [email protected], "vaughn1674" <vaughn1674@...> wrote:
It will take time, but baby steps are ok.
I am also new to unschooling, and like you I wonder about other kids and their food rules. One of the girls asked me if she could stay for dinner last night. I told her not that night, but we are going to plan a sleepover for Nakiah and the girls with pizza .
My kids are too young to be left out in the front yard to play alone. When they are out there the kids always come to me asking me questions and telling me what they learned in school today.
I guess I would love to see a community where everyone looks after every child as if they were their own. I read about these places and I hear about them from other people. I want to live it.
Darcel
http://www.luvnharmony.wordpress.com
>I feel the same way you do. The neighborhood kids love coming over here. We've only been here 3 months. We have noticed how they are always telling Nakiah to ask us for food. I would love to have enough food and art supplies for all the kids that like to come over here and play, and after giving it some thought I think I will.
> I read the first chapter of my friend's memoir located on her blog last night and it has got my mind working, especially in regard to how I treat children. I asked her permission to include the link to her blog and story here:
> http://threepeasinablog.blogspot.com/2009/05/not-yet-edited-cheap-beer-government.html
> > Sometimes I worry about food rules or expectations that other kids' parents have set in place (like their dinner times and allowed snacks, or not expecting food from neighbors, etc.) and I don't want to interfere with their parenting. But right now I'm hesitantly thinking, "it's our property, we'll share if we want to." Maybe I should try always setting out snacks to share on our porch. Perhaps so-called 'good' things, (like a box of apples so the parents can't complain that I'm giving their kids candy,) and things I can try to get inexpensively since we ARE on a budget. That could give the neighborhood kids (who may be hungry) some real life experience in sharing, generosity, and self regulation. If their parents don't like it they can keep them off my property. That sounds harsh. What I mean is, I won't be responsible for enforcing their rules on my property. If their kid wants to eat an apple (or whatever) while here, I'm going to let them. They don't need to get a lesson of scarcity or adult food monitoring from me too, right? Then after a while, this experiment of giving could really pay off for me, the neighborhood kids, and my own kids, in more ways than one. Like making this REAL generosity and joy for me, and not just and "experiment."
>
> Another thing I am considering, is just making myself present in the yard. Not trying to force myself to be nice & talkative, or greet kids awkwardly. But just sitting out there as often as possible with a book or some sewing or knitting. So I'll be down on their level and approachable. But at the same time staying out of their kid stuff if they don't want or need my interference. That way I can gradually learn how to "live with" all of these kids that show up all the time and I can learn how to really enjoy them and talk to them like the people they are.
>
> I am new to unschooling and I'm ready for you all to critique my thinking or point me in the direction of illuminating things to read. I know I have lots of growing to do.
>
> Thanks, Jenny Vaughn
>
> (mom to Evan 5.5 years, Colby 3.5 years, and Valerie 1 year)
>
It will take time, but baby steps are ok.
I am also new to unschooling, and like you I wonder about other kids and their food rules. One of the girls asked me if she could stay for dinner last night. I told her not that night, but we are going to plan a sleepover for Nakiah and the girls with pizza .
My kids are too young to be left out in the front yard to play alone. When they are out there the kids always come to me asking me questions and telling me what they learned in school today.
I guess I would love to see a community where everyone looks after every child as if they were their own. I read about these places and I hear about them from other people. I want to live it.
Darcel
http://www.luvnharmony.wordpress.com