Kim Zerbe

The other day my son was mad at something his grandma said or did. So
instead of asking why he was mad, my MIL told my son (who is 4.5, almost 5)
that he can't be mad. It was the weirdest thing. She said he could be angry
but not mad because that meant he was crazy like a lunatic or insane. I said
he could be mad if he wants to be! He is mad in the sense that he is angry,
there are multiple definitions of many words. (Meanwhile I just wanted to
try to figure out WHY he was saying he was mad at her, so we could possibly
remedy that feeling or she could explain whatever she said or did that made
him mad, which she completely ignored by trying to control his emotions!)

It doesn't make sense to correct a 4yr old when he is not even wrong. I've
been around several people who like to do this and I don't get it. Is this
just their way of being right? Despite the harmful or uneasy feelings they
conjure when they do this?

I just looked up the definition at dictionary.com and yes, MAD can mean
insane, but it can also mean angry. It can also mean overcome by desire (to
be mad about opera was the example) as well as rabid and a few other
definitions.

I was (mad/angry/resentful) when she pointed this out during dinner, and
when I argued, my husband agreed with his mom!!! Why do people feel the need
to tell other people how to live or how to feel? It just felt like one more
"schooly" influence, like a way for her to assert a little control over us
or something. Maybe I am paranoid. I am mostly trying to remember the
beautiful day we spent at the beach with my MIL, everyone getting along
wonderfully and lots of fun had by all. :) I know it seems trivial compared
to a lot of the posts on here, but if anyone has any insight or an example
of how you would have handled this, that would be great. I am contemplating
sending the dictionary definition to my DH and MIL. There is even a little
line about how some teachers like to correct people by saying that insane is
the only acceptable usage for the word mad, but it has been used to mean
angry since 1300 and is now quite acceptable.

Kim Zerbe
in cloudy, rainy Oregon



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Sandra Dodd

Kim,

I'm sympathetic to you and your frustration with your mother in law.
Even though I know the want-to-do-something feeling of wishing a
husband's mother wouldn't be a dope with a young child (I've known it
personally and repeatedly), still I'm going to comment in way of
trying to help you see a balance.

The literal answer to your subect question, "why can't we be MAD?" is
because it doesn't create peace or learning in your home.


-=-I was (mad/angry/resentful) when she pointed this out during
dinner, and
when I argued, my husband agreed with his mom!!! Why do people feel
the need
to tell other people how to live or how to feel?-=-

Maybe, though, you're wishing your husband had told her how to live
and how to feel.

-=- It just felt like one more "schooly" influence,...-=-

This is way beyond and separate from school. There were in-laws
before school was ever considered, and there's a biological/genetic
thing going here. So don't think "school," if you can help it.

-=-... like a way for her to assert a little control over us
or something. -=-

Sounds like she was defending herself, and maybe trying to be a little
funny (not that it worked well) and maybe trying to influence your
son's mood. I can think of a dozen worse things she could've done
without even thinking hard.

-=-Maybe I am paranoid.-=-

You have motherly instincts. Those can feel like vigilance which can
feel like paranoia, but don't exaggerate them past their own natural
strength.

-=- I am mostly trying to remember the beautiful day we spent at the
beach with my MIL, everyone getting along wonderfully and lots of fun
had by all. :) -=-

So you have a good example and a bad example. Don't dwell on the bad
one. Think of what you could do to nurture or induce the good stuff
next time.

Maybe your son could've done something different. It's worth
discussing it with him. Rather than try to change his grandmother,
you might try to "grandmother-proof" him with some suggestions about
how to respond to her, or to dodge questions or criticisms in sweet
ways. Holly asks about the tortoises and the yard. How cute can
that be? They can ask her all about her hair dye or clothes or
boyfriend and she can say "Are there baby tortoises yet?" and smile.
My kids learned tricks about grandma's house at an early age.

Holly will be there today, with Keith. His mom is not likely to live
much longer, though she's having her hair done this morning. She has
cancer in several places including ribs, and she had an arm amputated
in early March.

-=-I know it seems trivial compared
to a lot of the posts on here, but if anyone has any insight or an
example
of how you would have handled this, that would be great. I am
contemplating
sending the dictionary definition to my DH and MIL. There is even a
little
line about how some teachers like to correct people by saying that
insane is
the only acceptable usage for the word mad, but it has been used to mean
angry since 1300 and is now quite acceptable.-=-

Don't pursue that definition. Let it dissolve, breathe yourself
calmer and happier, and think of the next time, not the last time.

There might be parallels in this list of how to screw up unschooling.
Maybe you could put your energy into a list of how to screw up visits
with grandma. Then you'll have a mental checklist of good things to
do. Mine always included getting the kids and grandparents out to a
public place like the children's museum in Albuquerque or the train
museum in Alamogordo or someplace where kids could be cute and smart,
and it wasn't grandma's territory/chairs/property.

http://sandradodd.com/screwitup

Sandra

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Jenny C

>
> The other day my son was mad at something his grandma said or did. So
> instead of asking why he was mad, my MIL told my son (who is 4.5,
almost 5)
> that he can't be mad. It was the weirdest thing. She said he could be
angry
> but not mad because that meant he was crazy like a lunatic or insane.
I said
> he could be mad if he wants to be! He is mad in the sense that he is
angry,
> there are multiple definitions of many words. (Meanwhile I just wanted
to
> try to figure out WHY he was saying he was mad at her, so we could
possibly
> remedy that feeling or she could explain whatever she said or did that
made
> him mad, which she completely ignored by trying to control his
emotions!)
>


Perhaps you could've scooped him up and asked him why he was so angry,
and completely sidestepped the whole mincing of words! His grandma has
already proven to be manipulative and bossy and I'm sure your son felt
that, and maybe he even couldn't articulate why he was angry, but felt
it none the less. Perhaps help him find a way to articulate what makes
him angry when he is with his grandma, so that he doesn't get so angry,
so that he can say "please don't do that." and then change the subject
and move onto something else.

That is a really hard skill for some kids to be able to do, but worth
encouraging!