Darcel

I just signed up on the list not too long ago. I have to say that I am amazed at the change in my family over these past two weeks. Nakiah's language has exploded. She's asking more and more questions and I feel so much closer to her. I have always had a hard time connecting with her since birth. As she grew older I started to see her as I thought she should be, not for who she is.

We always thought we were engaging the girls, and we were, but not in this way. We've always been relaxed about food and bedtimes. We eat at the table sometimes, and sometimes we all sit in front of the TV. To us it's about being with the family not so much where.
We have a routine we do at bedtime, bath, books and then the girls would go to sleep.
Over the past two weeks I've noticed they come to us and tell us when they are ready for bath and bed, lol

We've been saying yes more and it actually feels good!
There are tough times too. I know it's only the beginning. I'm hard on myself and have a habit of comparing myself to others. I appreciate the discussion on that.
Nakiah asked to go to school last week. I posted about it on the Radical Network and appreciate all of the responses I've received on that topic.
She says she's having fun at home and she likes me being the teacher.
I never told her I was the teacher.

My dad told me last night(he lives with us) that he has noticed a change in the household and especially the girls. He's impressed and told me that if he had known of this option when me and my brother were in school, he would've pulled us out and done it.

I look forward to watching our life unfold.


Darcel
http://www.luvnharmony.wordpress.com

Jenny C

>>>I have always had a hard time connecting with her since birth. As she
grew older I started to see her as I thought she should be, not for who
she is.>>>

That is so common. I'm not sure when it happens, but so many parents
stop really SEEing their kids for who they are. These little people
right before their eyes, become something else, viewed through tainted
glasses. Isn't it great to take those glasses off?!


>>> We always thought we were engaging the girls, and we were, but not
in this way. >>>

There are many levels of engagement with children. It changes
everything when you start engaging as their partner in life. You start
seeing things differently. The whole dynamic changes.

>>> We've been saying yes more and it actually feels good! >>>

Those are affirmations! "Yes", is such a positive thing. It really
does feel good, and the more you do it, the better it feels, and pretty
soon your life is filled up with happy affirming thoughts and actions so
that when as you say here...


>>> There are tough times too. I know it's only the beginning. I'm hard
on myself and have a habit of comparing myself to others. I appreciate
the discussion on that.>>>

Those things become easier and easier to deal with. There will always
be tough times and times of doubt. That is part of life. If your life
is built up on happy thoughts and attitudes, dealing with those times,
are so much easier.

Our family had a pretty tough night last night. The easy part was
getting along and loving on each other. It made our focus be totally on
the problem at hand, not at finding fault or blame shifting. It made
all the difference in the world. If we didn't have this kind of
relationship with our kids, it would have gone very differently last
night and the stress would have been so much more!

Sandra Dodd

-=- I'm hard on myself and have a habit of comparing myself to others.-
=-

That's another great post that I hadn't commented on.

Happy changes are good, but I don't think they can come without
comparisons.
Maybe comparison without action is the problem, not comparison itself.

I've been watching Marty's girlfriend's reaction to situations. She
pulls in and starts to recite the ways she was wronged or slighted
rather than stretching out and being different. We've talked about
how poisonous cynicism and pessimism can be. She said she wants to be
happier, and then compares herself to Marty, pulls in and starts to
blame other people and things for her unhappiness.

I don't think the solution is for her to stop seeing that other people
are happy so that her unhappiness looks better.

-=I just signed up on the list not too long ago. I have to say that I
am amazed at the change in my family over these past two weeks. -=-

Thanks for this. It's been a rough few weeks in some ways and this
was great to read again.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Darcel

--- In [email protected], "Jenny C" <jenstarc4@...> wrote:

> >>>I have always had a hard time connecting with her since birth. As she grew older I started to see her as I thought she should be, not for who she is.>>>

<<That is so common. I'm not sure when it happens, but so many parents stop really SEEing their kids for who they are. These little people
right before their eyes, become something else, viewed through tainted glasses. Isn't it great to take those glasses off?!>>

It really is great. Everyone needs to take their glasses off. It seems in this day and age people view their children as accessories to their life.The next fashion trend. And when they aren't turning out the way we want them to, we get upset.
I'm not going to go off and blame my mom for everything, but we do model what we see growing up.
My mom never saw me for who I am, she still doesn't.
I realized I was doing the same thing with my daughter and I decided to break that cycle. I don't like the way I've reacted to something, *I* can change it.
I'm really enjoying my new relationship with my daughter. It means the world to me.


Darcel

Darcel

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=- I'm hard on myself and have a habit of comparing myself to others.-
> =-

> Happy changes are good, but I don't think they can come without
> comparisons.
> Maybe comparison without action is the problem, not comparison itself.

I never thought of it that way. I am taking action but I always want to do more. I'm working on being happy where we are now and working with what we have now.

-=I just signed up on the list not too long ago. I have to say that I
am amazed at the change in my family over these past two weeks. -=-

>> Thanks for this. It's been a rough few weeks in some ways and this
was great to read again.>>

Sandra


I'm glad. I think this is a great list and I really enjoy reading the discussions.

Darcel

[email protected]

>>>> I'm not going to go off and blame my mom for everything, but we do
model what we see growing up. My mom never saw me for who I am, she
still doesn't. <<<<

That's great, Darcel. I did a lot of blaming and trying to zero in on
exactly what went wrong and grieving. That simple statement "my mom
never saw me for who I am" and "she still doesn't" is a lot easier than
all that other.

>>>> I realized I was doing the same thing with my daughter and I
decided to break that cycle. I don't like the way I've reacted to
something, *I* can change it. I'm really enjoying my new relationship
with my daughter. It means the world to me. <<<<

It has taken me little time to change once I began to because it's the
decision of a moment and over time I become (or change into) someone
who naturally behaves differently. The enjoyment of the relationship
is what motivates me to make better choices and grow toward change one
decision at a time. I love how loving Karl and I are together. I
didn't have that with my mom and for me it's very healing to have that
with Karl.

Beautiful, Darcel. Thanks so much for your post.

~Katherine

Jenny C

>
> >>>> I'm not going to go off and blame my mom for everything, but we
do
> model what we see growing up. My mom never saw me for who I am, she
> still doesn't. <<<<
>
> That's great, Darcel. I did a lot of blaming and trying to zero in on
> exactly what went wrong and grieving. That simple statement "my mom
> never saw me for who I am" and "she still doesn't" is a lot easier
than
> all that other.

This is really interesting to me because of recent events at our house
and recent email dialog between me and another mother.

Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to this mother. Chamille and I
both wrote her without knowing that each of us wrote to her and we both
said similar things but in very different ways...
"I don't think either one of us has said in any way, shape, or form,
that you do not love your daughter and that you don't appreciate her, or
even know her like a mother. What both of us are saying is that you are
not seeing her for the person she is without other things getting in the
way of that. My own mother behaved in much the same way. I get along
with her now, but it took many years to get over what she did to me,
which is, in so many ways, the same thing you are doing to your own
daughter. It's not a healthy way to build a relationship. Even at the
age I am now, there are things that I do not talk about with my mother,
there will always be a gaurd up about certain things, because of
judgements and expectations. Those things never changed, I had to
change to be able to talk with my mother and it took many years and much
heartbreak to be able to do it. You don't have to do that with your
own daughter. You don't have to go down that path. You have this
beautiful opportunity to do it differently RIGHT NOW! You say you are
doing everything you can to help your daughter, so here are answers,
freely given. You may not want them, but I'm giving them anyway because
I know without a doubt that you can change this dynamic with your
daughter and have the same amazing relationship that I have with my own
daughter. Change is never easy, you have to be motivated. What better
motivation can you have than your own child? A mother's love can
motivate huge change." To me, this is a large part of why I am
choosing to parent the way I parent! I want something better than what
I had with my own mother. I SEE that it is different already and my
daughter is only 15. We have a great relationship and it's because of
the things that I've learned through unschooling and because of the
changes that I've made in how I choose to communicate with and the way I
SEE my children! I really like this on Joyce's site...
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/mindfulparentingzinn.h\
tml
<http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/mindfulparentingzinn.\
html>





[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

I'm so sorry about the absence of paragraph breaks! I don't know why
they didn't show up... here is a repost to make it easier to read,
hopefully....

> >
> > >>>> I'm not going to go off and blame my mom for everything, but we
> do
> > model what we see growing up. My mom never saw me for who I am, she
> > still doesn't. <<<<
> >
> > That's great, Darcel. I did a lot of blaming and trying to zero in
on
> > exactly what went wrong and grieving. That simple statement "my mom
> > never saw me for who I am" and "she still doesn't" is a lot easier
> than
> > all that other.
>
> This is really interesting to me because of recent events at our house
> and recent email dialog between me and another mother.
>
> Here is an excerpt from an email I sent to this mother. Chamille and I
> both wrote her without knowing that each of us wrote to her and we
both
> said similar things but in very different ways...


> "I don't think either one of us has said in any way, shape, or form,
> that you do not love your daughter and that you don't appreciate her,
or
> even know her like a mother. What both of us are saying is that you
are
> not seeing her for the person she is without other things getting in
the
> way of that. My own mother behaved in much the same way. I get along
> with her now, but it took many years to get over what she did to me,
> which is, in so many ways, the same thing you are doing to your own
> daughter. It's not a healthy way to build a relationship. Even at the
> age I am now, there are things that I do not talk about with my
mother,
> there will always be a gaurd up about certain things, because of
> judgements and expectations. Those things never changed, I had to
> change to be able to talk with my mother and it took many years and
much
> heartbreak to be able to do it.

You don't have to do that with your
> own daughter. You don't have to go down that path. You have this
> beautiful opportunity to do it differently RIGHT NOW! You say you are
> doing everything you can to help your daughter, so here are answers,
> freely given. You may not want them, but I'm giving them anyway
because
> I know without a doubt that you can change this dynamic with your
> daughter and have the same amazing relationship that I have with my
own
> daughter. Change is never easy, you have to be motivated. What better
> motivation can you have than your own child? A mother's love can
> motivate huge change." To me, this is a large part of why I am
> choosing to parent the way I parent! I want something better than what
> I had with my own mother. I SEE that it is different already and my
> daughter is only 15. We have a great relationship and it's because of
> the things that I've learned through unschooling and because of the
> changes that I've made in how I choose to communicate with and the way
I
> SEE my children!

I really like this on Joyce's site...
>
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/mindfulparentingzinn.h\
\
> tml
>
<http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/mindfulparentingzinn.\
\
> html>
>
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>