My Mom thinks I joined a cult
Marcy
so,I never thought my first post to this group here would be like this but here goes..
Im 39 and mom to my two daughters 5 and 3 1/2. My oldest was in half day pre-k due to pressure from my parents to do the right thing and enroll her in school. I knew in my heart this wasnt right for her or for our family and on Mar 16 discussed this with her and we decided that she wouldnt be going back to school. Since then my parents and other family members have given me such grief you cant imagine,well you probably all can :-)
tensions have gotten to such a point that I have no contact with my sister or her husband due to a confrontation they caused in front of my girls at my parents house saying what i was doing was wrong and sick and hurtful to my children,threw water in my face etc etc
needless to say we left my parents house and havent or spoken to my sister since.she thinks Im a failure because Im "just a Mom" as she put it and not a corporate worker like her and that Im lots of other things that I wont even post here.
since that day things were strained with my parents because I was always the one who kept the peace and said I was sorry to "eep the peace" within the family at my own expense.
now it is affecting my relationship with my parents ,mostly my mother because she feels Im changing,and Im isolating myself fromt he real world and not showing my kids who the boss is when they express their feelings and "dont put them in line" She is saying that Im all about my girls and husband and not showing feelings for anyone else and that I am not the same person. I said I guess thats right,I wasnt really me before. Now Im voicing my opinions and standing up for myself ,and my thoughts and my feelings and Iguess that is making everyone uncomfortable because Im not going along for the ride anymore.
she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project my daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do it,my mom continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got upset and said I like my way better and then when she didnt let up, she said "I want you to leave Grandma". well my mother didnt like that at all and my mother insists that I should have made my daughter apologize and Im not showing her right from wrong. I told her that is how she was feeling and Im not going to tell her not to express her feelings whether she is happy sad or mad,they are her feelings and she is entitled to feel that way.
that didnt go over well and she went into the rant,that this isnt like me and that I joined a cult or something,this isnt her daughter talking and something has changed and Im going to have a nervous breakdown if I let my kids say what they want and not be told how to talk to their grandma, I said she didnt curse at you,or even scream.she was upset and told you that.
she said Im not upset at her,Im upset at you for not demanding an apology for me.
Am I missing something here?..is there something I truly did wrong here and how can I get my parents,to understand that this might not be how they raised me or how they were rais..ed but just because Im doing something different ,that Im not hurting or damaging my kids.
I really feel this is the start of the end with some of my family relationships.
thanks for any insight
Marcy
Im 39 and mom to my two daughters 5 and 3 1/2. My oldest was in half day pre-k due to pressure from my parents to do the right thing and enroll her in school. I knew in my heart this wasnt right for her or for our family and on Mar 16 discussed this with her and we decided that she wouldnt be going back to school. Since then my parents and other family members have given me such grief you cant imagine,well you probably all can :-)
tensions have gotten to such a point that I have no contact with my sister or her husband due to a confrontation they caused in front of my girls at my parents house saying what i was doing was wrong and sick and hurtful to my children,threw water in my face etc etc
needless to say we left my parents house and havent or spoken to my sister since.she thinks Im a failure because Im "just a Mom" as she put it and not a corporate worker like her and that Im lots of other things that I wont even post here.
since that day things were strained with my parents because I was always the one who kept the peace and said I was sorry to "eep the peace" within the family at my own expense.
now it is affecting my relationship with my parents ,mostly my mother because she feels Im changing,and Im isolating myself fromt he real world and not showing my kids who the boss is when they express their feelings and "dont put them in line" She is saying that Im all about my girls and husband and not showing feelings for anyone else and that I am not the same person. I said I guess thats right,I wasnt really me before. Now Im voicing my opinions and standing up for myself ,and my thoughts and my feelings and Iguess that is making everyone uncomfortable because Im not going along for the ride anymore.
she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project my daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do it,my mom continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got upset and said I like my way better and then when she didnt let up, she said "I want you to leave Grandma". well my mother didnt like that at all and my mother insists that I should have made my daughter apologize and Im not showing her right from wrong. I told her that is how she was feeling and Im not going to tell her not to express her feelings whether she is happy sad or mad,they are her feelings and she is entitled to feel that way.
that didnt go over well and she went into the rant,that this isnt like me and that I joined a cult or something,this isnt her daughter talking and something has changed and Im going to have a nervous breakdown if I let my kids say what they want and not be told how to talk to their grandma, I said she didnt curse at you,or even scream.she was upset and told you that.
she said Im not upset at her,Im upset at you for not demanding an apology for me.
Am I missing something here?..is there something I truly did wrong here and how can I get my parents,to understand that this might not be how they raised me or how they were rais..ed but just because Im doing something different ,that Im not hurting or damaging my kids.
I really feel this is the start of the end with some of my family relationships.
thanks for any insight
Marcy
Sandra Dodd
-=-Im 39-=-
You're thirty nine years old.
Write your mother a letter. Remind her you're thirty nine years old.
Maybe tell her you've been keeping the peace in the family at your own
expense for much of that thirty nine years and now it's someone else's
turn to do that, or they can settle for not having peace, but let you
raise your own children because you're thirty nine years old.
-=-She is saying that Im all about my girls and husband and not
showing feelings for anyone else-=-
So what? Put that in the letter. Say you want to live your life for
your husband and your girls, and not for anyone else. That those who
can accept that are welcome to visit.
-=-she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project
my daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do
it,my mom continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got
upset and said I like my way better and then when she didnt let up,
she said "I want you to leave Grandma". -=-
Now another angle.
HOW did she continue, at your house, to do something your daughter
didn't like? Why didn't you say right away "Let her do it the way
she's doing it"? Would you have let a neighbor kid mess and mess with
it? Your other daughter? A stranger?
Why did you let your daughter get to the point that she said "I want
you to leave"? Why didn't you defend her sooner?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
You're thirty nine years old.
Write your mother a letter. Remind her you're thirty nine years old.
Maybe tell her you've been keeping the peace in the family at your own
expense for much of that thirty nine years and now it's someone else's
turn to do that, or they can settle for not having peace, but let you
raise your own children because you're thirty nine years old.
-=-She is saying that Im all about my girls and husband and not
showing feelings for anyone else-=-
So what? Put that in the letter. Say you want to live your life for
your husband and your girls, and not for anyone else. That those who
can accept that are welcome to visit.
-=-she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project
my daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do
it,my mom continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got
upset and said I like my way better and then when she didnt let up,
she said "I want you to leave Grandma". -=-
Now another angle.
HOW did she continue, at your house, to do something your daughter
didn't like? Why didn't you say right away "Let her do it the way
she's doing it"? Would you have let a neighbor kid mess and mess with
it? Your other daughter? A stranger?
Why did you let your daughter get to the point that she said "I want
you to leave"? Why didn't you defend her sooner?
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Crystal Byrd
When did people decide pre-k is necessary? This one has blown my mind for
some time now. even though my kids started out in public school (we just
started homeschooling this year), I never saw the need to send them to
pre-k. it's so much fun teaching them their abc's and how to wait their turn
in line and the different colors, shapes, and numbers that I couldn't fathom
sending them somewhere for someone else to teach those things to them! If
you ask me, pre-k is just a nice way of saying daycare so that mom can have
a break! I know so many stay at home moms that send their kids to pre-k or
pre-school, as young as 3. these kids are no better off when they start
kindergarten than those kids who stayed home with their moms and played
games, went to story time at the library, learned how to play with other
kids at the park and play dates. it really is a sore subject with me!
Off my soapbox now. it blows my mind that your family would be upset with
you for pulling your daughter out of pre-k! You have to do what's right for
you and your husband and your kids. if your extended family can't accept it,
I would try not to lose sleep over it. It's hard, I know. but ultimately
what matters is raising your kids the way you know they should be raised. I
think in the end most people come around. Your sister sounds like she's
jealous, in my personal opinion.
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of Marcy
Sent: Friday, May 01, 2009 6:33 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] My Mom thinks I joined a cult
so,I never thought my first post to this group here would be like this but
here goes..
Im 39 and mom to my two daughters 5 and 3 1/2. My oldest was in half day
pre-k due to pressure from my parents to do the right thing and enroll her
in school. I knew in my heart this wasnt right for her or for our family and
on Mar 16 discussed this with her and we decided that she wouldnt be going
back to school. Since then my parents and other family members have given me
such grief you cant imagine,well you probably all can :-)
tensions have gotten to such a point that I have no contact with my sister
or her husband due to a confrontation they caused in front of my girls at my
parents house saying what i was doing was wrong and sick and hurtful to my
children,threw water in my face etc etc
needless to say we left my parents house and havent or spoken to my sister
since.she thinks Im a failure because Im "just a Mom" as she put it and not
a corporate worker like her and that Im lots of other things that I wont
even post here.
since that day things were strained with my parents because I was always the
one who kept the peace and said I was sorry to "eep the peace" within the
family at my own expense.
now it is affecting my relationship with my parents ,mostly my mother
because she feels Im changing,and Im isolating myself fromt he real world
and not showing my kids who the boss is when they express their feelings and
"dont put them in line" She is saying that Im all about my girls and husband
and not showing feelings for anyone else and that I am not the same person.
I said I guess thats right,I wasnt really me before. Now Im voicing my
opinions and standing up for myself ,and my thoughts and my feelings and
Iguess that is making everyone uncomfortable because Im not going along for
the ride anymore.
she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project my
daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do it,my mom
continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got upset and said I
like my way better and then when she didnt let up, she said "I want you to
leave Grandma". well my mother didnt like that at all and my mother insists
that I should have made my daughter apologize and Im not showing her right
from wrong. I told her that is how she was feeling and Im not going to tell
her not to express her feelings whether she is happy sad or mad,they are her
feelings and she is entitled to feel that way.
that didnt go over well and she went into the rant,that this isnt like me
and that I joined a cult or something,this isnt her daughter talking and
something has changed and Im going to have a nervous breakdown if I let my
kids say what they want and not be told how to talk to their grandma, I said
she didnt curse at you,or even scream.she was upset and told you that.
she said Im not upset at her,Im upset at you for not demanding an apology
for me.
Am I missing something here?..is there something I truly did wrong here and
how can I get my parents,to understand that this might not be how they
raised me or how they were rais..ed but just because Im doing something
different ,that Im not hurting or damaging my kids.
I really feel this is the start of the end with some of my family
relationships.
thanks for any insight
Marcy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
some time now. even though my kids started out in public school (we just
started homeschooling this year), I never saw the need to send them to
pre-k. it's so much fun teaching them their abc's and how to wait their turn
in line and the different colors, shapes, and numbers that I couldn't fathom
sending them somewhere for someone else to teach those things to them! If
you ask me, pre-k is just a nice way of saying daycare so that mom can have
a break! I know so many stay at home moms that send their kids to pre-k or
pre-school, as young as 3. these kids are no better off when they start
kindergarten than those kids who stayed home with their moms and played
games, went to story time at the library, learned how to play with other
kids at the park and play dates. it really is a sore subject with me!
Off my soapbox now. it blows my mind that your family would be upset with
you for pulling your daughter out of pre-k! You have to do what's right for
you and your husband and your kids. if your extended family can't accept it,
I would try not to lose sleep over it. It's hard, I know. but ultimately
what matters is raising your kids the way you know they should be raised. I
think in the end most people come around. Your sister sounds like she's
jealous, in my personal opinion.
From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]]
On Behalf Of Marcy
Sent: Friday, May 01, 2009 6:33 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] My Mom thinks I joined a cult
so,I never thought my first post to this group here would be like this but
here goes..
Im 39 and mom to my two daughters 5 and 3 1/2. My oldest was in half day
pre-k due to pressure from my parents to do the right thing and enroll her
in school. I knew in my heart this wasnt right for her or for our family and
on Mar 16 discussed this with her and we decided that she wouldnt be going
back to school. Since then my parents and other family members have given me
such grief you cant imagine,well you probably all can :-)
tensions have gotten to such a point that I have no contact with my sister
or her husband due to a confrontation they caused in front of my girls at my
parents house saying what i was doing was wrong and sick and hurtful to my
children,threw water in my face etc etc
needless to say we left my parents house and havent or spoken to my sister
since.she thinks Im a failure because Im "just a Mom" as she put it and not
a corporate worker like her and that Im lots of other things that I wont
even post here.
since that day things were strained with my parents because I was always the
one who kept the peace and said I was sorry to "eep the peace" within the
family at my own expense.
now it is affecting my relationship with my parents ,mostly my mother
because she feels Im changing,and Im isolating myself fromt he real world
and not showing my kids who the boss is when they express their feelings and
"dont put them in line" She is saying that Im all about my girls and husband
and not showing feelings for anyone else and that I am not the same person.
I said I guess thats right,I wasnt really me before. Now Im voicing my
opinions and standing up for myself ,and my thoughts and my feelings and
Iguess that is making everyone uncomfortable because Im not going along for
the ride anymore.
she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project my
daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do it,my mom
continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got upset and said I
like my way better and then when she didnt let up, she said "I want you to
leave Grandma". well my mother didnt like that at all and my mother insists
that I should have made my daughter apologize and Im not showing her right
from wrong. I told her that is how she was feeling and Im not going to tell
her not to express her feelings whether she is happy sad or mad,they are her
feelings and she is entitled to feel that way.
that didnt go over well and she went into the rant,that this isnt like me
and that I joined a cult or something,this isnt her daughter talking and
something has changed and Im going to have a nervous breakdown if I let my
kids say what they want and not be told how to talk to their grandma, I said
she didnt curse at you,or even scream.she was upset and told you that.
she said Im not upset at her,Im upset at you for not demanding an apology
for me.
Am I missing something here?..is there something I truly did wrong here and
how can I get my parents,to understand that this might not be how they
raised me or how they were rais..ed but just because Im doing something
different ,that Im not hurting or damaging my kids.
I really feel this is the start of the end with some of my family
relationships.
thanks for any insight
Marcy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ellinghamsandwich
i just read the second half of your post, marcy, and your reply, sandra...i can really identify w/ so much you said marcy...every word, actually. the only difference is i have no husband and i LIVE w/ my mother. she financially supports us right now... ugh.
my mother has been thinking of herself as the other parent...i had been allowing this but now that she is opposing my decision to US the kids i have let her know that *I* and the parent here and *I* make those sort of decisions... as i've shared, she puts her fears out there and its just nuts, really. i have to keep reminding her that these are MY children and blah blah blah.
my mother thinks my daughter plays us against one another. my daughter will side w/ me or w/ my mom... example...this afternoon my mom was making mac 'n cheese for lunch while i nursed my son, for megh. when she went to mix it she had this huge chunk of butter (must have been like 4 tbsp...) and like 1/4 c. of milk...i don't do it that way and she knows it. i know she meant well but i was having a fit as i'm trying to lose weight...she said well i've already mixed it (butter) w/ the milk so... so my daughter says 'yeah, nanny...we don't make it that way, nanny...' and my mom was getting so upset w/ my daughter... then my mom goes to stir it & i hear my daughter tell her that that is not the one to use (spoon)... my mom looks at me and says 'that's IT, lisbeth. this needs to STOP. this is NOT OK!'. and i'm sitting there looking at her like 'what do u want me to do about it?' my daughter was voicing her feelings and standing by the way she knows how to make our version of mac 'n cheese. i didn't feel i needed to stop my daughter for her 'disrespect'... what else could i have done??? after a while i did tell megh to stop. she backed off. really she is picking up on the tension betw my mother and i lately............ my mom goes into major panic/phobic mode when stressed and i go into...well, many modes. lol.
its hard to stand up to our mothers...we have lived so long obeying them and doing things their way to make them happy until we lose ourselves...then when we recover ourselves they don't like it and want us to change back. what is up w/ that? don't they want us to live our lives OUR way? why don't so many moms support this in their children? lack of trust in their children and in themselves...? this is nuts. it really gives me a headache and...sigh. yeah. maybe its easier when a person is 50 or 60 but i just feel like i'm struggling so much lately to break out of this dysfunction with my mother and stay OUT. i don't want to live thru her anymore. i wnat her to honor this. as soon as i start to feel good about myself and my choices as an adult, its like she doesn't like that...even though she says she wants the best for me and my kids...i guess cuz it isn't 'her' way...??? if i'm happy and motivated she calls it manic. whatever!!!
sandra, i wish it were that simple to just stand up to our moms and say that's the way it is. like or not. they can think what they want to think. have you experienced something similar w/ your mother? i really admire your integrity. i want mine back...full fletch, baby! i say................tawanda!!!!!!
my mother has been thinking of herself as the other parent...i had been allowing this but now that she is opposing my decision to US the kids i have let her know that *I* and the parent here and *I* make those sort of decisions... as i've shared, she puts her fears out there and its just nuts, really. i have to keep reminding her that these are MY children and blah blah blah.
my mother thinks my daughter plays us against one another. my daughter will side w/ me or w/ my mom... example...this afternoon my mom was making mac 'n cheese for lunch while i nursed my son, for megh. when she went to mix it she had this huge chunk of butter (must have been like 4 tbsp...) and like 1/4 c. of milk...i don't do it that way and she knows it. i know she meant well but i was having a fit as i'm trying to lose weight...she said well i've already mixed it (butter) w/ the milk so... so my daughter says 'yeah, nanny...we don't make it that way, nanny...' and my mom was getting so upset w/ my daughter... then my mom goes to stir it & i hear my daughter tell her that that is not the one to use (spoon)... my mom looks at me and says 'that's IT, lisbeth. this needs to STOP. this is NOT OK!'. and i'm sitting there looking at her like 'what do u want me to do about it?' my daughter was voicing her feelings and standing by the way she knows how to make our version of mac 'n cheese. i didn't feel i needed to stop my daughter for her 'disrespect'... what else could i have done??? after a while i did tell megh to stop. she backed off. really she is picking up on the tension betw my mother and i lately............ my mom goes into major panic/phobic mode when stressed and i go into...well, many modes. lol.
its hard to stand up to our mothers...we have lived so long obeying them and doing things their way to make them happy until we lose ourselves...then when we recover ourselves they don't like it and want us to change back. what is up w/ that? don't they want us to live our lives OUR way? why don't so many moms support this in their children? lack of trust in their children and in themselves...? this is nuts. it really gives me a headache and...sigh. yeah. maybe its easier when a person is 50 or 60 but i just feel like i'm struggling so much lately to break out of this dysfunction with my mother and stay OUT. i don't want to live thru her anymore. i wnat her to honor this. as soon as i start to feel good about myself and my choices as an adult, its like she doesn't like that...even though she says she wants the best for me and my kids...i guess cuz it isn't 'her' way...??? if i'm happy and motivated she calls it manic. whatever!!!
sandra, i wish it were that simple to just stand up to our moms and say that's the way it is. like or not. they can think what they want to think. have you experienced something similar w/ your mother? i really admire your integrity. i want mine back...full fletch, baby! i say................tawanda!!!!!!
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-she was over the house today and tried to interfere with a project
> my daughter was doing,my daughter got upset and said I want to do
> it,my mom continued to show her "the right way" and my daughter got
> upset and said I like my way better and then when she didnt let up,
> she said "I want you to leave Grandma". -=-
>
> Now another angle.
>
> HOW did she continue, at your house, to do something your daughter
> didn't like? Why didn't you say right away "Let her do it the way
> she's doing it"? Would you have let a neighbor kid mess and mess with
> it? Your other daughter? A stranger?
>
> Why did you let your daughter get to the point that she said "I want
> you to leave"? Why didn't you defend her sooner?
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
juillet727
>"...Am I missing something here?..is there something I truly did wrong here and how can I get my parents,to understand that this might not be how they raised me or how they were rais..ed but just because Im doing something different ,that Im not hurting or damaging my kids.*******************
> I really feel this is the start of the end with some of my family relationships.
> thanks for any insight
> Marcy"
You might not be able to get your parents to understand what you're doing right now. That doesn't matter though. Your responsibility is to your girls and making sure that those around them are respectful. Your mom wasn't being respectful to your daughter, and not to you either it sounds like.
At 39!, it's your turn to be mom and your mom needs to mind her own business and there's nothing wrong with not letting her boss you around. Sometimes big changes can feel like the end, but maybe it's just the end of how you used to act with them.
I don't talk about unschooling concepts or "philosophy" with my mom because it makes her feel like she wasn't a good mom and she mostly was. But I don't want to make her feel bad. I just keep it fairly superficial and talk about the fun things we do. She can relate to museum outings and archery lessons and lounging on the bed reading all day. She can't relate at all to video games or guns, so I don't talk about those.
My MIL, who we live close to, is really unhappy and worried that I'm not teaching my son. We used to have a really nice, friendship-y relationship, but she can barely speak to me now. It's really sad to me, but I can't control it. I can't make her understand. My responsibility is to myself and my family. If someone were to be outwardly antagonistic toward my son or me, I would definitely put an end to that. And I wouldn't have them over to my house at all.
~~Juillet
Marcy
Hi Sandra
thanks for the reply.
This has kept me up all night.It has always been about me keeping the peace,the last time my mother and I were really at odds and at different places was when I was a teenager and she allowed my brother who was doing drugs to physically and verbally attack me in the house because she was too scared of him. I remember he came home from HS one day with a vial of clear liquid and said this was a odorless and tasteless poison from his science class and that he was so mad at my parents that he would one day poison them and they wouldnt even know it. I lived in constant fear of upsetting him for the thought that he would put some of whatever that was in my food. I remember telling my parents about his "stuff" and they blew it off saying I was being "too emotional",yeah did I mention Im labeled the emotional one in the family. I always thought that was a bad thing until I found all of you out here,I like that I have feelings and that Im emotional.
I moved out after she allowed to him to treat me like that unfortunately into another abusive situation but to me it was the lesser of two evils.
You are right,I wouldnt allow anyone to mess with my daughter in her own home.
It felt like much longer but actually it was in a split second that my Mom was trying to step in,and I said "she is fine Mom,she has done this before".to my Mom "explaining while trying to pull it from my daughter to do it"that the next occurred.It was all in an instant and something I really didnt think I was letting develop. My daughter is getting really good at saying what is on her mind right away. It was all so quick that another reason why my mother was hurt was that she felt I didnt see "her side in trying to protect my daughter" and right away I spoke up for my daughter.
Teyamo said to my mother,"It is my choice to do it this way Grandma,mommy lets me do it". and My mom rants "enough already with these choices!!"
I thought choices were good,she on the other hand is wanting and is clearly disapointed in me for not being a dictator in my own house. I guess Im not her "good child" anymore!
Im hoping a letter will bring some clarity,but from how she was speaking to me on the phone since then,she is clearly "worried about my new behaviors" and doesnt wish to continue speaking about this with me.
-Marcy
"Now another angle.
HOW did she continue, at your house, to do something your daughter
didn't like? Why didn't you say right away "Let her do it the way
she's doing it"? Would you have let a neighbor kid mess and mess with it? Your other daughter? A stranger?Why did you let your daughter get to the point that she said "I want
thanks for the reply.
This has kept me up all night.It has always been about me keeping the peace,the last time my mother and I were really at odds and at different places was when I was a teenager and she allowed my brother who was doing drugs to physically and verbally attack me in the house because she was too scared of him. I remember he came home from HS one day with a vial of clear liquid and said this was a odorless and tasteless poison from his science class and that he was so mad at my parents that he would one day poison them and they wouldnt even know it. I lived in constant fear of upsetting him for the thought that he would put some of whatever that was in my food. I remember telling my parents about his "stuff" and they blew it off saying I was being "too emotional",yeah did I mention Im labeled the emotional one in the family. I always thought that was a bad thing until I found all of you out here,I like that I have feelings and that Im emotional.
I moved out after she allowed to him to treat me like that unfortunately into another abusive situation but to me it was the lesser of two evils.
You are right,I wouldnt allow anyone to mess with my daughter in her own home.
It felt like much longer but actually it was in a split second that my Mom was trying to step in,and I said "she is fine Mom,she has done this before".to my Mom "explaining while trying to pull it from my daughter to do it"that the next occurred.It was all in an instant and something I really didnt think I was letting develop. My daughter is getting really good at saying what is on her mind right away. It was all so quick that another reason why my mother was hurt was that she felt I didnt see "her side in trying to protect my daughter" and right away I spoke up for my daughter.
Teyamo said to my mother,"It is my choice to do it this way Grandma,mommy lets me do it". and My mom rants "enough already with these choices!!"
I thought choices were good,she on the other hand is wanting and is clearly disapointed in me for not being a dictator in my own house. I guess Im not her "good child" anymore!
Im hoping a letter will bring some clarity,but from how she was speaking to me on the phone since then,she is clearly "worried about my new behaviors" and doesnt wish to continue speaking about this with me.
-Marcy
"Now another angle.
HOW did she continue, at your house, to do something your daughter
didn't like? Why didn't you say right away "Let her do it the way
she's doing it"? Would you have let a neighbor kid mess and mess with it? Your other daughter? A stranger?Why did you let your daughter get to the point that she said "I want
> you to leave"? Why didn't you defend her sooner?"Sandra
Joyce Fetteroll
On May 1, 2009, at 11:34 PM, ellinghamsandwich wrote:
their own lives to do something for us, it's polite to appreciate the
gift of their time even if they don't do it exactly as we'd like.
If someone's doing you a favor, you shouldn't be having a fit. You
shouldn't be encouraging your daughter to criticize the gift your
mom's giving.
Though I suspect your daughter was doing it for good reasons: she was
being the "mama bear" and protecting you. But she needs to not do
that. Even better she needs to not be in the position of feeling she
needs to do that.
life. The most natural way to stop someone from doing what we think
is wrong is to control them. There isn't a way to change the world's
perception of that. Acceptance of that's how most of the world is,
will help you feel more peaceful.
You can live your life differently but you can't change anyone else.
If they change, it can only be by their choice. Right now you might
not be presenting the best case for your mother wanting to change to
your way.
Let go. Don't try to control her. The more worked up you get over how
things are, the harder it will be to work in positive directions.
Since you're living with your mother, what you need to do is work on
more peaceful relationships. If that sounds too hard because of a
lifetime of baggage, realize that your daughter is watching you and
picking up how to relate to people through how you're relating to
your mother. She's seeing adversarial relationships as something you
accept as normal. What you're showing her is that it's about someone
winning and someone losing.
I don't know of a book, though I'm sure there's lots of good ones out
there. You might try the Peaceful Partnership list and read through
the archives. It's about more peaceful relationships with a partner,
but many of the ideas should be helpful for you in seeing where
you're contributing to the tension and what you could be doing
better. If not for you, for your daughter to see better ways of being
with people who have different opinions.
Joyce
> i don't do it that way and she knows it. i know she meant well butYour mom was doing you a favor. When someone's taking the time from
> i was having a fit as i'm trying to lose weight...she said well
> i've already mixed it (butter) w/ the milk so... so my daughter
> says 'yeah, nanny...we don't make it that way, nanny...' and my mom
> was getting so upset w/ my daughter... then my mom goes to stir it
> & i hear my daughter tell her that that is not the one to use
> (spoon)... my mom looks at me and says 'that's IT, lisbeth. this
> needs to STOP. this is NOT OK!'. and i'm sitting there looking at
> her like 'what do u want me to do about it?' my daughter was
> voicing her feelings and standing by the way she knows how to make
> our version of mac 'n cheese. i didn't feel i needed to stop my
> daughter for her 'disrespect'... what else could i have done???
their own lives to do something for us, it's polite to appreciate the
gift of their time even if they don't do it exactly as we'd like.
If someone's doing you a favor, you shouldn't be having a fit. You
shouldn't be encouraging your daughter to criticize the gift your
mom's giving.
Though I suspect your daughter was doing it for good reasons: she was
being the "mama bear" and protecting you. But she needs to not do
that. Even better she needs to not be in the position of feeling she
needs to do that.
> its hard to stand up to our mothers...we have lived so long obeyingIt's reality. It's a product of wanting our kids to get the best from
> them and doing things their way to make them happy until we lose
> ourselves...then when we recover ourselves they don't like it and
> want us to change back. what is up w/ that? don't they want us to
> live our lives OUR way? why don't so many moms support this in
> their children? lack of trust in their children and in
> themselves...? this is nuts.
>
life. The most natural way to stop someone from doing what we think
is wrong is to control them. There isn't a way to change the world's
perception of that. Acceptance of that's how most of the world is,
will help you feel more peaceful.
You can live your life differently but you can't change anyone else.
If they change, it can only be by their choice. Right now you might
not be presenting the best case for your mother wanting to change to
your way.
Let go. Don't try to control her. The more worked up you get over how
things are, the harder it will be to work in positive directions.
Since you're living with your mother, what you need to do is work on
more peaceful relationships. If that sounds too hard because of a
lifetime of baggage, realize that your daughter is watching you and
picking up how to relate to people through how you're relating to
your mother. She's seeing adversarial relationships as something you
accept as normal. What you're showing her is that it's about someone
winning and someone losing.
I don't know of a book, though I'm sure there's lots of good ones out
there. You might try the Peaceful Partnership list and read through
the archives. It's about more peaceful relationships with a partner,
but many of the ideas should be helpful for you in seeing where
you're contributing to the tension and what you could be doing
better. If not for you, for your daughter to see better ways of being
with people who have different opinions.
Joyce
Sandra Dodd
-=- i have no husband and i LIVE w/ my mother. she financially
supports us right now... ugh. -=-
Then that's that. You don't have the choices other people have. Be
calm about it. Accept it.
-=-my mother has been thinking of herself as the other parent...i had
been allowing this-=-
Seems she bought that right. You needed another parent and she agreed
to help you, it seems. Accept that. Be grateful that someone is
supporting you.
-=-but now that she is opposing my decision to US the kids i have let
her know that *I* and the parent here and *I* make those sort of
decisions..-=-
Whoa.
Making decisions in one's life has always involved at least having an
apartment, if not a house. And probably a car.
You don't say if you're 39 years old. But if you're living in someone
else's house, that is the horizon you view.
-=-she is opposing my decision to US the kids -=-
If you read that aloud, would you have said "unschool"? If so, could
you write it out, for this list, for the purposes of the discussion,
please? And for the purpose of speaking/writing English so that it
doesn't seem like the code word of a cult. So it doesn't look like
"us" or "The United States."
And RU, same deal. Wherever people have picked that up, please don't
bring it to this list. If you want to say unschooling, say
unschooling. Leave jargon and acronyms out of it. It will make your
life better and make this list better.
-=-when she went to mix it she had this huge chunk of butter (must
have been like 4 tbsp...) and like 1/4 c. of milk...-=-
She followed the directions on the box, you mean. Lighten up. If
someone else is making food for you, especially food she paid for,
accept it gratefully. When you have your own money and your own
place, then you can make the macaroni and cheese your own way. Not
now. You don't get to dictate to your mother how to do things she's
paying for, and you do us all a disservice by using unschooling as a
justification for encouraging your daughter to dictate to her
grandmother how to do things.
-= my mom looks at me and says 'that's IT, lisbeth. this needs to
STOP. this is NOT OK!'. and i'm sitting there looking at her like
'what do u want me to do about it?'-=-
She was right. it was not okay. What she wanted you to do about it
was to encourage your daughter to be nice. If your mom was making
food for you and your children, your daughter could have gone
somewhere else and left her alone.
-=- i didn't feel i needed to stop my daughter for her 'disrespect'...
what else could i have done??? after a while i did tell megh to stop.
she backed off. -=-
Unschooling isn't intended to make bad parents or disrespectful
children. "After a while" isn't soon enough. Help your daughter be
as courteous a person as she can be.
-=what is up w/ that? don't they want us to live our lives OUR way?-=-
I'm sure she didn't think your way would be having two children and
having your mom support you, though. How is it you want her to
support you to live?
-=-i just feel like i'm struggling so much lately to break out of this
dysfunction with my mother and stay OUT. i don't want to live thru her
anymore. i want her to honor this.-=-
"Honor" is a strong word, involving faith and respect. She's
supporting you financially. You should be honoring her in this
situation.
-= if i'm happy and motivated she calls it manic. whatever!!!-=-
I'm guessing by the "whatever" that you're in your 20's?
-=-sandra, i wish it were that simple to just stand up to our moms and
say that's the way it is. like or not. they can think what they want
to think. have you experienced something similar w/ your mother?=-
When I was in my 20's I was childless (careful use of birth control
childless), while my mother had a baby (I was 19 when he was born)
because she was NOT using birth control. I very often bailed her
out financially.
-=- they can think what they want to think-=-
Thinking doesn't pay the rent. Thinking doesn't buy macaroni and
cheese. Thinking COULD result in a more positive attitude, though.
Your children are very young. "Unschooling" is about not sending them
to school. If you're using it as an excuse to let a three year old
talk back to your mom while the mom is making her macaroni and cheese,
it would be better for you to chill and try to think clearly of what
you do want and what you can reasonably accomplish and have in your
situation. Think of it as owning a yacht. Just because some people
can and do doesn't mean everyone has the "right" to own a yacht.
Unschooling is a pretty fancy, time consuming and house consuming
arrangement. One can't make a spouse unschool against his will. One
can't and shouldn't even try to make a parent do it.
If you had a house you could say "It's my house, and so..." but if
it's not your house, you don't have that.
The best you can do is share why you want to change the way you are
with your children, and do it persuasively so your mom can think about
it. A little explanation, a few days wait. Not arguments. Not
declarations or threats.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
supports us right now... ugh. -=-
Then that's that. You don't have the choices other people have. Be
calm about it. Accept it.
-=-my mother has been thinking of herself as the other parent...i had
been allowing this-=-
Seems she bought that right. You needed another parent and she agreed
to help you, it seems. Accept that. Be grateful that someone is
supporting you.
-=-but now that she is opposing my decision to US the kids i have let
her know that *I* and the parent here and *I* make those sort of
decisions..-=-
Whoa.
Making decisions in one's life has always involved at least having an
apartment, if not a house. And probably a car.
You don't say if you're 39 years old. But if you're living in someone
else's house, that is the horizon you view.
-=-she is opposing my decision to US the kids -=-
If you read that aloud, would you have said "unschool"? If so, could
you write it out, for this list, for the purposes of the discussion,
please? And for the purpose of speaking/writing English so that it
doesn't seem like the code word of a cult. So it doesn't look like
"us" or "The United States."
And RU, same deal. Wherever people have picked that up, please don't
bring it to this list. If you want to say unschooling, say
unschooling. Leave jargon and acronyms out of it. It will make your
life better and make this list better.
-=-when she went to mix it she had this huge chunk of butter (must
have been like 4 tbsp...) and like 1/4 c. of milk...-=-
She followed the directions on the box, you mean. Lighten up. If
someone else is making food for you, especially food she paid for,
accept it gratefully. When you have your own money and your own
place, then you can make the macaroni and cheese your own way. Not
now. You don't get to dictate to your mother how to do things she's
paying for, and you do us all a disservice by using unschooling as a
justification for encouraging your daughter to dictate to her
grandmother how to do things.
-= my mom looks at me and says 'that's IT, lisbeth. this needs to
STOP. this is NOT OK!'. and i'm sitting there looking at her like
'what do u want me to do about it?'-=-
She was right. it was not okay. What she wanted you to do about it
was to encourage your daughter to be nice. If your mom was making
food for you and your children, your daughter could have gone
somewhere else and left her alone.
-=- i didn't feel i needed to stop my daughter for her 'disrespect'...
what else could i have done??? after a while i did tell megh to stop.
she backed off. -=-
Unschooling isn't intended to make bad parents or disrespectful
children. "After a while" isn't soon enough. Help your daughter be
as courteous a person as she can be.
-=what is up w/ that? don't they want us to live our lives OUR way?-=-
I'm sure she didn't think your way would be having two children and
having your mom support you, though. How is it you want her to
support you to live?
-=-i just feel like i'm struggling so much lately to break out of this
dysfunction with my mother and stay OUT. i don't want to live thru her
anymore. i want her to honor this.-=-
"Honor" is a strong word, involving faith and respect. She's
supporting you financially. You should be honoring her in this
situation.
-= if i'm happy and motivated she calls it manic. whatever!!!-=-
I'm guessing by the "whatever" that you're in your 20's?
-=-sandra, i wish it were that simple to just stand up to our moms and
say that's the way it is. like or not. they can think what they want
to think. have you experienced something similar w/ your mother?=-
When I was in my 20's I was childless (careful use of birth control
childless), while my mother had a baby (I was 19 when he was born)
because she was NOT using birth control. I very often bailed her
out financially.
-=- they can think what they want to think-=-
Thinking doesn't pay the rent. Thinking doesn't buy macaroni and
cheese. Thinking COULD result in a more positive attitude, though.
Your children are very young. "Unschooling" is about not sending them
to school. If you're using it as an excuse to let a three year old
talk back to your mom while the mom is making her macaroni and cheese,
it would be better for you to chill and try to think clearly of what
you do want and what you can reasonably accomplish and have in your
situation. Think of it as owning a yacht. Just because some people
can and do doesn't mean everyone has the "right" to own a yacht.
Unschooling is a pretty fancy, time consuming and house consuming
arrangement. One can't make a spouse unschool against his will. One
can't and shouldn't even try to make a parent do it.
If you had a house you could say "It's my house, and so..." but if
it's not your house, you don't have that.
The best you can do is share why you want to change the way you are
with your children, and do it persuasively so your mom can think about
it. A little explanation, a few days wait. Not arguments. Not
declarations or threats.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I don't talk about unschooling concepts or "philosophy" with my mom
because it makes her feel like she wasn't a good mom and she mostly
was. But I don't want to make her feel bad. I just keep it fairly
superficial and talk about the fun things we do. She can relate to
museum outings and archery lessons and lounging on the bed reading all
day. -=-
That seems perfect. Including your mom on the fun things and being
courteous to her is great! My mother in law was relegated to only
fun things for a while. It passed, after she saw that the kids WERE
learning and were not only learning, but they were nicer people than
her other grandkids. There's no substitute for real evidence and
observation, and it does take a while.
-=- It's really sad to me, but I can't control it. I can't make her
understand. My responsibility is to myself and my family. -=-
You could gradually help her understand. You can't control it, but
you could affect it. Part of your responsibility might be to
maintain a relationship between your children and their grandparents.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
because it makes her feel like she wasn't a good mom and she mostly
was. But I don't want to make her feel bad. I just keep it fairly
superficial and talk about the fun things we do. She can relate to
museum outings and archery lessons and lounging on the bed reading all
day. -=-
That seems perfect. Including your mom on the fun things and being
courteous to her is great! My mother in law was relegated to only
fun things for a while. It passed, after she saw that the kids WERE
learning and were not only learning, but they were nicer people than
her other grandkids. There's no substitute for real evidence and
observation, and it does take a while.
-=- It's really sad to me, but I can't control it. I can't make her
understand. My responsibility is to myself and my family. -=-
You could gradually help her understand. You can't control it, but
you could affect it. Part of your responsibility might be to
maintain a relationship between your children and their grandparents.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-they blew it off saying I was being "too emotional",yeah did I
mention Im labeled the emotional one in the family. I always thought
that was a bad thing until I found all of you out here,I like that I
have feelings and that Im emotional.-=-
It is possible to let one's emotions be an excuse (a label), and not
to make more rational choices. If you're "too emotional" for a
situation, then temper your emotions. Learning to deal with one's own
biochemistry is good in any life. If you learn to do it you can help
your children learn to do it, too.
-=-You are right,I wouldnt allow anyone to mess with my daughter in
her own home.
It felt like much longer but actually it was in a split second that my
Mom was trying to step in,and I said "she is fine Mom,she has done
this before".to my Mom "explaining while trying to pull it from my
daughter to do it"that the next occurred.It was all in an instant ...
Tell your stories carefully here, and double check them before
sending. If you're not telling it clearly we can't help you well.
Even though the responses might help other people, it's frustrating
for people who have thought about the situation and written responses
to discover the first account was exaggerated or missing important
elements.
Or it might be that not telling it clearly had to do with not seeing
or hearing it clearly--not being able to step back from one's emotions
and see what is actually happening, and why, and how. That could
be a problem with being too emotional. Living from feelings and not
from conscious consideration isn't as good as checking several
systems, as it were, before making a decision.
-=My daughter is getting really good at saying what is on her mind
right away-=-
While it's fine for parents to have a candid dialog with their own
children, and to encourage the kids to express themselves, that
shouldn't extend to anyone in the whole wide world. Your team looks
bad when any member smarts off to someone, or is antagonistic. You
could be a better coach.
-= My mom rants "enough already with these choices!!"
I thought choices were good,=-
Choices can be good or bad. Using "it's my choice!" as a bludgeon or
a shield isn't good.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mention Im labeled the emotional one in the family. I always thought
that was a bad thing until I found all of you out here,I like that I
have feelings and that Im emotional.-=-
It is possible to let one's emotions be an excuse (a label), and not
to make more rational choices. If you're "too emotional" for a
situation, then temper your emotions. Learning to deal with one's own
biochemistry is good in any life. If you learn to do it you can help
your children learn to do it, too.
-=-You are right,I wouldnt allow anyone to mess with my daughter in
her own home.
It felt like much longer but actually it was in a split second that my
Mom was trying to step in,and I said "she is fine Mom,she has done
this before".to my Mom "explaining while trying to pull it from my
daughter to do it"that the next occurred.It was all in an instant ...
Tell your stories carefully here, and double check them before
sending. If you're not telling it clearly we can't help you well.
Even though the responses might help other people, it's frustrating
for people who have thought about the situation and written responses
to discover the first account was exaggerated or missing important
elements.
Or it might be that not telling it clearly had to do with not seeing
or hearing it clearly--not being able to step back from one's emotions
and see what is actually happening, and why, and how. That could
be a problem with being too emotional. Living from feelings and not
from conscious consideration isn't as good as checking several
systems, as it were, before making a decision.
-=My daughter is getting really good at saying what is on her mind
right away-=-
While it's fine for parents to have a candid dialog with their own
children, and to encourage the kids to express themselves, that
shouldn't extend to anyone in the whole wide world. Your team looks
bad when any member smarts off to someone, or is antagonistic. You
could be a better coach.
-= My mom rants "enough already with these choices!!"
I thought choices were good,=-
Choices can be good or bad. Using "it's my choice!" as a bludgeon or
a shield isn't good.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joanna Murphy
" Your sister sounds like she's jealous, in my personal opinion."
Maybe not consciously jealous, but maybe jealous of the freedom that your kids are getting that she never got, or got to give her own kids, because it wouldn't have been good for them. It can make some people angry that they had to suffer through the school system, only to be told, or find out, that maybe they really didn't have to.
It may boil down to the pain of NOT having the close connection that unschooling promotes. I've thought that that is what is behind all the anger our society has for teens. They haven't been mostly parented in ways that foster connection, so when they hit teenhood, they reject their parents. Painful. Especially when the parents "think" they've done everything "right"--setting boundaries, consistently upholding the rules, etc. etc....
Joanna
Maybe not consciously jealous, but maybe jealous of the freedom that your kids are getting that she never got, or got to give her own kids, because it wouldn't have been good for them. It can make some people angry that they had to suffer through the school system, only to be told, or find out, that maybe they really didn't have to.
It may boil down to the pain of NOT having the close connection that unschooling promotes. I've thought that that is what is behind all the anger our society has for teens. They haven't been mostly parented in ways that foster connection, so when they hit teenhood, they reject their parents. Painful. Especially when the parents "think" they've done everything "right"--setting boundaries, consistently upholding the rules, etc. etc....
Joanna
Sandra Dodd
-=-when she went to mix it she had this
huge chunk of butter (must have been like 4 tbsp...) and like 1/4 c. of milk...i
don't do it that way and she knows it. i know she meant well but i was having a
fit as i'm trying to lose weight...she said well i've already mixed it (butter)
w/ the milk so.-=-
Holly had a comment on this. She said if a mom's nursing she shouldn't be dieting.
That made me think that the daughter might like the macaroni and cheese made "full strength."
And also that for the health of the mother AND a nursing baby, it's better to eat butter than to throw a fit. Negative emotions make don't make babies feel safe. It can make them jittery and tearful.
Priorities are important. Indulging one's label of being "the emotional one" isn't a good priority.
Sandra
huge chunk of butter (must have been like 4 tbsp...) and like 1/4 c. of milk...i
don't do it that way and she knows it. i know she meant well but i was having a
fit as i'm trying to lose weight...she said well i've already mixed it (butter)
w/ the milk so.-=-
Holly had a comment on this. She said if a mom's nursing she shouldn't be dieting.
That made me think that the daughter might like the macaroni and cheese made "full strength."
And also that for the health of the mother AND a nursing baby, it's better to eat butter than to throw a fit. Negative emotions make don't make babies feel safe. It can make them jittery and tearful.
Priorities are important. Indulging one's label of being "the emotional one" isn't a good priority.
Sandra
Brad
--- In [email protected], "ellinghamsandwich" <ellinghamsandwich@...> wrote:
Bottom line, you are in your mother's house and it's her rules, the same as it would be if it was your house, correct?
Brad Jones
> sandra, i wish it were that simple to just stand up to our moms and say that's the way it is. like or not. they can think what they want to think. have you experienced something similar w/ your mother? i really admire your integrity. i want mine back...full fletch, baby! i say................tawanda!!!!!!As much as I advocate the unschooling way, we can't expect other adults to embrace it just because we do.
Bottom line, you are in your mother's house and it's her rules, the same as it would be if it was your house, correct?
Brad Jones
Brad
--- In [email protected], "Crystal Byrd" <cbyrd1220@...> wrote:
Your sister sounds like she's
> jealous, in my personal opinion.
Yes, I concur.
Brad Jones
SAHD
ellinghamsandwich
yes, she 'owns' this condo...and she is bringing home the bacon, our monetary needs... but this is our home together. she would even say that.
my mother is actually chilling out a bit and seems to be trusting me to make decisions for my kids and i... she is just scared for us and that i'd be overwhelmed being w/ them all day 24/7. (which i won't be...there are other classes/workshops, etc. they will be taking w/out me there)
:O)
-
-- In [email protected], "Brad" <bhmjones@...> wrote:
my mother is actually chilling out a bit and seems to be trusting me to make decisions for my kids and i... she is just scared for us and that i'd be overwhelmed being w/ them all day 24/7. (which i won't be...there are other classes/workshops, etc. they will be taking w/out me there)
:O)
-
-- In [email protected], "Brad" <bhmjones@...> wrote:
>
> --- In [email protected], "ellinghamsandwich" <ellinghamsandwich@> wrote:
>
> > sandra, i wish it were that simple to just stand up to our moms and say that's the way it is. like or not. they can think what they want to think. have you experienced something similar w/ your mother? i really admire your integrity. i want mine back...full fletch, baby! i say................tawanda!!!!!!
>
>
> As much as I advocate the unschooling way, we can't expect other adults to embrace it just because we do.
>
> Bottom line, you are in your mother's house and it's her rules, the same as it would be if it was your house, correct?
>
> Brad Jones
>
trude_flys
>... she is just scared for us and that i'd be overwhelmed being w/ them all day 24/7. (which i won't be...there are other classes/workshops, etc. they will be taking w/out me there)I am also living in the same house as my parents. It hasn't always gone smooth, but I was wanting to respond to you earlier to suggest that your mother has shown a deep caring for you and your children by having you all in her house, and cooking for you (even if only occassionally). That she has willingly stepped up to share the parenting (a situation that you participated in) also shows caring. She has shown that she supports you. Now you are changing to a way of doing things that is new to her. Give her an opportunity to have time to adjust. Thank her everyday for caring. Notice the unschooling moments that she has with your children ( such as when she makes the food and your daughter is involved, or going for a walk) and instead of critisizing her, let her know how much your daughter is learning by being there with her.
>
Returning to Sandras words that the list is to take people closer to unschooling, your mother has opened an opportunity for you to include her in your unschooling journey. Have you thought of reading the pages on unschooling with a partner reluctant about unschooling(that's basically what your mother is).
Perhaps you won't get overwhelmed, but if you have resources available (like your mum) it will make it easier when the days get long (children get sick, they change their mind on classes, classes get cancelled).
It isn't your mothers decision whether or not you unschool, though how you approach her may actually help/hinder your ability to unschool peacefully and still live in her home.
wishing all the best
Trude
[email protected]
>>>> It isn't your mothers decision whether or not you unschool, thoughhow you approach her may actually help/hinder your ability to unschool
peacefully and still live in her home. <<<<
If a single parent is able to garner the support of an interested
partner (interested in helping take care of your kids! wow.) it might
make the difference between being able to continue unschooling or NOT
being able to do *any* unschooling. I was faced with the prospect of
working when Brian and I were separated and even had he been supportive
of unschooling, me having to work would have made unschooling very
difficult. The fact that Brian was sending me money to pay rent while
I was in school was really fantastic. He eventually became more
supportive of unschooling in part because I appreciated how he was
willing to help, and we ended up back together, and of course now we're
both enjoying Karl and getting the privilege of raising him.
Whereas before we didn't see each other as supportive, these days we
talk about having that perspective of each other and how different it
is from the perspectives before we split a couple years ago.
~Katherine
ellinghamsandwich
you are all right on about my situation and my reactivity in regards to my mother...it goes pretty deep, my issues w/ her...so the entanglement often feels suffocating and restrictive. but...she does have some great qualities and she is allowing me to be w/ my children w/out my having to work...we are able to be together so much and i have time to work on my own 'stuff'. i was going thru a few days of extreme anger pain and resistance. i'm over that now... LOL
i am grateful.
oh and to clear up the dieting while breastfeeding issue which you mentioned, sandra...i am doing weight watchers but they have a points system for moms who are nursing...so my point allowance is much higher...the caloric intake is like 2500 per day or something...andit may be lower (plus we get extra allowance points for each week...which i take advantage of for SURE!!!) but just so you all know i'm not jeapordizing my health or my sons, for that matter... thank you for your concern, though!
:O)
lis
i am grateful.
oh and to clear up the dieting while breastfeeding issue which you mentioned, sandra...i am doing weight watchers but they have a points system for moms who are nursing...so my point allowance is much higher...the caloric intake is like 2500 per day or something...andit may be lower (plus we get extra allowance points for each week...which i take advantage of for SURE!!!) but just so you all know i'm not jeapordizing my health or my sons, for that matter... thank you for your concern, though!
:O)
lis
--- In [email protected], "trude_flys" <trude.la@...> wrote:
>
>
> >... she is just scared for us and that i'd be overwhelmed being w/ them all day 24/7. (which i won't be...there are other classes/workshops, etc. they will be taking w/out me there)
> >
>
> I am also living in the same house as my parents. It hasn't always gone smooth, but I was wanting to respond to you earlier to suggest that your mother has shown a deep caring for you and your children by having you all in her house, and cooking for you (even if only occassionally). That she has willingly stepped up to share the parenting (a situation that you participated in) also shows caring. She has shown that she supports you. Now you are changing to a way of doing things that is new to her. Give her an opportunity to have time to adjust. Thank her everyday for caring. Notice the unschooling moments that she has with your children ( such as when she makes the food and your daughter is involved, or going for a walk) and instead of critisizing her, let her know how much your daughter is learning by being there with her.
> Returning to Sandras words that the list is to take people closer to unschooling, your mother has opened an opportunity for you to include her in your unschooling journey. Have you thought of reading the pages on unschooling with a partner reluctant about unschooling(that's basically what your mother is).
> Perhaps you won't get overwhelmed, but if you have resources available (like your mum) it will make it easier when the days get long (children get sick, they change their mind on classes, classes get cancelled).
> It isn't your mothers decision whether or not you unschool, though how you approach her may actually help/hinder your ability to unschool peacefully and still live in her home.
> wishing all the best
> Trude
>
Su Penn
On May 5, 2009, at 6:30 PM, ellinghamsandwich wrote:
That has some quotes and summaries. Here's the original meta-analysis
of studies about the health risks of dieting: http://mann.bol.ucla.edu/files/Diets_don't_work.pdf
Su
> !!) but just so you all know i'm not jeapordizing my health or myYou might be: http://kateharding.net/2009/05/05/shut-up-bob-greene/
> sons, for that matter... thank you for your concern, though!
That has some quotes and summaries. Here's the original meta-analysis
of studies about the health risks of dieting: http://mann.bol.ucla.edu/files/Diets_don't_work.pdf
Su