Hi, I'm new here...
rockyhorseaz
Hi there - I just thought I'd introduce myself as I have only just recently joined this group.
Last year I made the decision to pull my son out of school. Originally I thought I would follow a waldorf-based curriculum this year with him (he was coming from a waldorf based school) but the beginning of this school year we ended up not "doing school" because of some chaotic life issues that were going on...so I planned on "starting school" after the new year...well, in the meantime it seemed that everywhere I went to try to meet other homeschoolers I was running into people who were more unschoolers (which was a pretty new concept for me)...so when the new year came and I tried to "start homeschooling" - it wasn't working - my 8 year old son was hating me and it all felt so wrong and I thought about how everywhere I seemed to turn I was running into unschoolers and maybe there was a reason for this...finally I was able to go to the HENA conference and see all these wonderful talks on unschooling and it all clicked and I started to get it - and it was very exciting and I felt like I was really in the right place for me to be because all these feelings that I had been having were suddenly validated by live people telling of their personal experiences.
So I came home feeling so relieved that I knew now that I didn't have to go on trying to do something that felt so wrong....so I started reading more online...on Sandra's webiste, etc...and it always makes me feel so inspired.
Ok, but my problem lies in my husband who, unfortunately was not able to come to the HENA conference with me. The concepts of unschooling are pretty foreign to him. He gets it in drips and drabs but he, of course, is not so sure about stuff. For the most part I am the one who is home with our son all day and he lets me do whatever I'm doing...but I feel his questions...his uneasiness at times that there is no "school work"...he makes comments about how our son has "no responsibilities" and how all he does is "play"....he has in him this concept that people need to "learn how to work"...these types of statements hurt me and do not feel healthy...but I am so new to all of this that when I try to have a conversation with him about how I do not feel that people "need to learn how to work", for instance, I have a hard time backing up my feelings with facts or examples.
Something that came up the other day was my son wanted to go somewhere and my husband told him he had to eat something first...he said he wasn't hungry (I think he had only eaten like 1 piece of toast in the morning and it was now nearly evening...or something like that)...so my husband said something like "well, I'm not going to take you then" and my son said something like "well then I'm not going to eat dinner either".....and it made me so sad because I can see that this is how eating disorders will start. I told my husband he needs to stop about the food and just let our son be because food should not be ever used as a power thing. But my husband said "well, if I don't make him eat he will not eat" and I said "THAT IS NOT TRUE!" You need to let go of this food issue and it won't be an issue! But my husband really didn't seem to be able to understand that and things like this are SO sad to me.
My husband is a really good guy, he is just coming from such a "conventional" type background, you know, where he had to sit at the table til he finished every last pea on his plate...he had chores that he HAD to do or else...etc...I come from a very different background where I never had chores, my parents let me do pretty much whatever I wanted - I never had to clean my room, I never had a curfew...never got grounded...never HAD to eat anything or at any certain time....my parents always gave me the sense that they trusted me....and I SO much appreciate the way they raised me.
Ok, I'm sorry - this is really long so I'll end now....I'm just wondering if anyone out there has some thoughts on where I can start with getting my husband to understand?
Last year I made the decision to pull my son out of school. Originally I thought I would follow a waldorf-based curriculum this year with him (he was coming from a waldorf based school) but the beginning of this school year we ended up not "doing school" because of some chaotic life issues that were going on...so I planned on "starting school" after the new year...well, in the meantime it seemed that everywhere I went to try to meet other homeschoolers I was running into people who were more unschoolers (which was a pretty new concept for me)...so when the new year came and I tried to "start homeschooling" - it wasn't working - my 8 year old son was hating me and it all felt so wrong and I thought about how everywhere I seemed to turn I was running into unschoolers and maybe there was a reason for this...finally I was able to go to the HENA conference and see all these wonderful talks on unschooling and it all clicked and I started to get it - and it was very exciting and I felt like I was really in the right place for me to be because all these feelings that I had been having were suddenly validated by live people telling of their personal experiences.
So I came home feeling so relieved that I knew now that I didn't have to go on trying to do something that felt so wrong....so I started reading more online...on Sandra's webiste, etc...and it always makes me feel so inspired.
Ok, but my problem lies in my husband who, unfortunately was not able to come to the HENA conference with me. The concepts of unschooling are pretty foreign to him. He gets it in drips and drabs but he, of course, is not so sure about stuff. For the most part I am the one who is home with our son all day and he lets me do whatever I'm doing...but I feel his questions...his uneasiness at times that there is no "school work"...he makes comments about how our son has "no responsibilities" and how all he does is "play"....he has in him this concept that people need to "learn how to work"...these types of statements hurt me and do not feel healthy...but I am so new to all of this that when I try to have a conversation with him about how I do not feel that people "need to learn how to work", for instance, I have a hard time backing up my feelings with facts or examples.
Something that came up the other day was my son wanted to go somewhere and my husband told him he had to eat something first...he said he wasn't hungry (I think he had only eaten like 1 piece of toast in the morning and it was now nearly evening...or something like that)...so my husband said something like "well, I'm not going to take you then" and my son said something like "well then I'm not going to eat dinner either".....and it made me so sad because I can see that this is how eating disorders will start. I told my husband he needs to stop about the food and just let our son be because food should not be ever used as a power thing. But my husband said "well, if I don't make him eat he will not eat" and I said "THAT IS NOT TRUE!" You need to let go of this food issue and it won't be an issue! But my husband really didn't seem to be able to understand that and things like this are SO sad to me.
My husband is a really good guy, he is just coming from such a "conventional" type background, you know, where he had to sit at the table til he finished every last pea on his plate...he had chores that he HAD to do or else...etc...I come from a very different background where I never had chores, my parents let me do pretty much whatever I wanted - I never had to clean my room, I never had a curfew...never got grounded...never HAD to eat anything or at any certain time....my parents always gave me the sense that they trusted me....and I SO much appreciate the way they raised me.
Ok, I'm sorry - this is really long so I'll end now....I'm just wondering if anyone out there has some thoughts on where I can start with getting my husband to understand?
Schuyler
I think it must be hard to be the outsider in a newly embracing unschooling household. David has experienced a bit of that, but I did a lot of talking with him about the wacky decisions I was making so that he was a part of them before they happened, or, at least, aware of them and intellectually willing to give them a go.
It helps a lot to see your husband as a loving and caring man who wants the best for his son. He doesn't want to give him an eating disorder, he wants to make sure that he isn't hungry when they go out and that he eats enough in a day to sustain him. That's a pretty loving thing to do. I do it, I offer food to Simon and Linnaea before we go out, and if they aren't hungry I make food to take along with us, or make sure that where we are going has quick eating out options, like a bakery or a Burger King or something on the way.
Don't feel SO sad about how your husband is responding to your son, that's their relationship. Try and offer another perspective without words, live the life you are living joyously. Tell him stories about your day and about the things that you all are doing, don't preach about how what you do is working and what he does isn't. Be happy and include him in your happiness. Put together a blog of all the things, all the great moments that happen in your day and send a link to your husband so that he can feel more a part of the life you are leading. Be patient, be calm and think of ways that you could help. Could you have offered to make a bag lunch for your son to take or would it have made it worse in that moment? Sometimes it is someone else's fight and it isn't your affair. Sometimes other things are a part of why you feel tense. You are changing the way your son is being raised, you are throwing out the things your husband believes work when it comes
to raising children. That's a lot to make someone tense. Rather than yell at him that it isn't true, you should help him see more why you believe unschooling is a good option. If a conference helped you gain some perspective maybe you should see if he'll go with you to another one.
Arun in Australia has a beautiful blog post called the Unauthorised Dad Handbook that might help you think about your husband outlook on unschooling in a different way http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/.
Schuyler
________________________________
Ok, but my problem lies in my husband who, unfortunately was not able to come to the HENA conference with me. The concepts of unschooling are pretty foreign to him. He gets it in drips and drabs but he, of course, is not so sure about stuff. For the most part I am the one who is home with our son all day and he lets me do whatever I'm doing...but I feel his questions...his uneasiness at times that there is no "school work"...he makes comments about how our son has "no responsibilities" and how all he does is "play"....he has in him this concept that people need to "learn how to work"...these types of statements hurt me and do not feel healthy...but I am so new to all of this that when I try to have a conversation with him about how I do not feel that people "need to learn how to work", for instance, I have a hard time backing up my feelings with facts or examples.
Something that came up the other day was my son wanted to go somewhere and my husband told him he had to eat something first...he said he wasn't hungry (I think he had only eaten like 1 piece of toast in the morning and it was now nearly evening...or something like that)...so my husband said something like "well, I'm not going to take you then" and my son said something like "well then I'm not going to eat dinner either".....and it made me so sad because I can see that this is how eating disorders will start. I told my husband he needs to stop about the food and just let our son be because food should not be ever used as a power thing. But my husband said "well, if I don't make him eat he will not eat" and I said "THAT IS NOT TRUE!" You need to let go of this food issue and it won't be an issue! But my husband really didn't seem to be able to understand that and things like this are SO sad to me.
My husband is a really good guy, he is just coming from such a "conventional" type background, you know, where he had to sit at the table til he finished every last pea on his plate...he had chores that he HAD to do or else...etc...I come from a very different background where I never had chores, my parents let me do pretty much whatever I wanted - I never had to clean my room, I never had a curfew...never got grounded...never HAD to eat anything or at any certain time....my parents always gave me the sense that they trusted me....and I SO much appreciate the way they raised me.
Ok, I'm sorry - this is really long so I'll end now....I'm just wondering if anyone out there has some thoughts on where I can start with getting my husband to understand?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
It helps a lot to see your husband as a loving and caring man who wants the best for his son. He doesn't want to give him an eating disorder, he wants to make sure that he isn't hungry when they go out and that he eats enough in a day to sustain him. That's a pretty loving thing to do. I do it, I offer food to Simon and Linnaea before we go out, and if they aren't hungry I make food to take along with us, or make sure that where we are going has quick eating out options, like a bakery or a Burger King or something on the way.
Don't feel SO sad about how your husband is responding to your son, that's their relationship. Try and offer another perspective without words, live the life you are living joyously. Tell him stories about your day and about the things that you all are doing, don't preach about how what you do is working and what he does isn't. Be happy and include him in your happiness. Put together a blog of all the things, all the great moments that happen in your day and send a link to your husband so that he can feel more a part of the life you are leading. Be patient, be calm and think of ways that you could help. Could you have offered to make a bag lunch for your son to take or would it have made it worse in that moment? Sometimes it is someone else's fight and it isn't your affair. Sometimes other things are a part of why you feel tense. You are changing the way your son is being raised, you are throwing out the things your husband believes work when it comes
to raising children. That's a lot to make someone tense. Rather than yell at him that it isn't true, you should help him see more why you believe unschooling is a good option. If a conference helped you gain some perspective maybe you should see if he'll go with you to another one.
Arun in Australia has a beautiful blog post called the Unauthorised Dad Handbook that might help you think about your husband outlook on unschooling in a different way http://theparentingpit.com/unschooling/unauthorised-dad-handbook/.
Schuyler
________________________________
Ok, but my problem lies in my husband who, unfortunately was not able to come to the HENA conference with me. The concepts of unschooling are pretty foreign to him. He gets it in drips and drabs but he, of course, is not so sure about stuff. For the most part I am the one who is home with our son all day and he lets me do whatever I'm doing...but I feel his questions...his uneasiness at times that there is no "school work"...he makes comments about how our son has "no responsibilities" and how all he does is "play"....he has in him this concept that people need to "learn how to work"...these types of statements hurt me and do not feel healthy...but I am so new to all of this that when I try to have a conversation with him about how I do not feel that people "need to learn how to work", for instance, I have a hard time backing up my feelings with facts or examples.
Something that came up the other day was my son wanted to go somewhere and my husband told him he had to eat something first...he said he wasn't hungry (I think he had only eaten like 1 piece of toast in the morning and it was now nearly evening...or something like that)...so my husband said something like "well, I'm not going to take you then" and my son said something like "well then I'm not going to eat dinner either".....and it made me so sad because I can see that this is how eating disorders will start. I told my husband he needs to stop about the food and just let our son be because food should not be ever used as a power thing. But my husband said "well, if I don't make him eat he will not eat" and I said "THAT IS NOT TRUE!" You need to let go of this food issue and it won't be an issue! But my husband really didn't seem to be able to understand that and things like this are SO sad to me.
My husband is a really good guy, he is just coming from such a "conventional" type background, you know, where he had to sit at the table til he finished every last pea on his plate...he had chores that he HAD to do or else...etc...I come from a very different background where I never had chores, my parents let me do pretty much whatever I wanted - I never had to clean my room, I never had a curfew...never got grounded...never HAD to eat anything or at any certain time....my parents always gave me the sense that they trusted me....and I SO much appreciate the way they raised me.
Ok, I'm sorry - this is really long so I'll end now....I'm just wondering if anyone out there has some thoughts on where I can start with getting my husband to understand?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
After I got over the feeling that Brian would understand if he would
just listen to me; I learned that words alone don't work for him!
Brian still struggles mightily over some of these things. Tv and sleep
have probably been our biggest difficulties. Sleep issues have pretty
much been put to rest.. ;) Still working on tv choices.
Talking and thinking doesn't help as much as I wish it would. I think
talking excites stress in some people. Not everybody has as hard a
time with it. But some definitely do have difficulty getting into the
swing of things. Brian and I both grew up within a very narrow set of
rules and parameters that we could operate from; we weren't given many
options. In some ways, this is more true of Brian's upbringing than
mine. So learning to see the options we in fact do have is really
something else, and not altogether comforting.
Suddenly being a world full of possibilities can be like putting a cow
used to a pasture out in the unfenced wilderness with all sorts of new
terrain to navigate, and not being sure where to find grass to graze
anymore. Before, the grass was just there wherever the cow went in
that pasture. It can seem like going from a secure plentifulness to a
scavenger hunt just to provide for your needs.
The less discomfort Brian feels in all this the better. The more I can
smooth things the easier I make unschooling for him to accept. I
haven't always realized that, and even after I have, I haven't always
had a successful strategy for smoothing the transition. I mean,
Brian's at work all day so he doesn't have the time to invest in
getting comfortable on his own. And I'm the one who wants to do things
this new way. So I feel that easing is what I'm to do.
I'm so glad I have been reading online and getting good ideas all along
to head off problems with food and eating. One idea (which I think is
indispensable) is to get in the habit of taking a mini-picnic with you
when you go somewhere. I've gotten some flack from Brian about it but
felt that if Brian could just experience it, he could see for himself
and I wouldn't have to do so much talking. And Karl was happily taken
care of with little fuss, inconvenience or expense to Brian so that he
could see the sense in it for himself.
I think, to smaller or larger degree depending on individual needs,
easing rather than suddenly pushing everyone into it helps most
families who are making the move to unschooling. You're not going to
doing all your living in one instant, so there's time for gradual
growing and steady progress into it. There might not be full agreement
at every step but some level of agreement (which you want to be
growing) and a good strategy for keeping the comfort high (in my
opinion, the important part) needs to be there. I'd encourage you to
ask here for strategies (very helpful!), something I've only recently
started doing myself which I could have been doing a long long time ago
that would likely have averted a lot of trouble.
~Katherine
just listen to me; I learned that words alone don't work for him!
Brian still struggles mightily over some of these things. Tv and sleep
have probably been our biggest difficulties. Sleep issues have pretty
much been put to rest.. ;) Still working on tv choices.
Talking and thinking doesn't help as much as I wish it would. I think
talking excites stress in some people. Not everybody has as hard a
time with it. But some definitely do have difficulty getting into the
swing of things. Brian and I both grew up within a very narrow set of
rules and parameters that we could operate from; we weren't given many
options. In some ways, this is more true of Brian's upbringing than
mine. So learning to see the options we in fact do have is really
something else, and not altogether comforting.
Suddenly being a world full of possibilities can be like putting a cow
used to a pasture out in the unfenced wilderness with all sorts of new
terrain to navigate, and not being sure where to find grass to graze
anymore. Before, the grass was just there wherever the cow went in
that pasture. It can seem like going from a secure plentifulness to a
scavenger hunt just to provide for your needs.
The less discomfort Brian feels in all this the better. The more I can
smooth things the easier I make unschooling for him to accept. I
haven't always realized that, and even after I have, I haven't always
had a successful strategy for smoothing the transition. I mean,
Brian's at work all day so he doesn't have the time to invest in
getting comfortable on his own. And I'm the one who wants to do things
this new way. So I feel that easing is what I'm to do.
I'm so glad I have been reading online and getting good ideas all along
to head off problems with food and eating. One idea (which I think is
indispensable) is to get in the habit of taking a mini-picnic with you
when you go somewhere. I've gotten some flack from Brian about it but
felt that if Brian could just experience it, he could see for himself
and I wouldn't have to do so much talking. And Karl was happily taken
care of with little fuss, inconvenience or expense to Brian so that he
could see the sense in it for himself.
I think, to smaller or larger degree depending on individual needs,
easing rather than suddenly pushing everyone into it helps most
families who are making the move to unschooling. You're not going to
doing all your living in one instant, so there's time for gradual
growing and steady progress into it. There might not be full agreement
at every step but some level of agreement (which you want to be
growing) and a good strategy for keeping the comfort high (in my
opinion, the important part) needs to be there. I'd encourage you to
ask here for strategies (very helpful!), something I've only recently
started doing myself which I could have been doing a long long time ago
that would likely have averted a lot of trouble.
~Katherine
On May 1, 2009, at 4:52 AM, Schuyler wrote:
> It helps a lot to see your husband as a loving and caring man who
> wants the best for his son. He doesn't want to give him an eating
> disorder, he wants to make sure that he isn't hungry when they go out
> and that he eats enough in a day to sustain him. That's a pretty
> loving thing to do. I do it, I offer food to Simon and Linnaea before
> we go out, and if they aren't hungry I make food to take along with
> us, or make sure that where we are going has quick eating out options,
> like a bakery or a Burger King or something on the way.
Sandra Dodd
-=-I think it must be hard to be the outsider in a newly embracing
unschooling household.-=-
How can that really be, though? If one is "the outsider" then it
seems the rest of the family (the other spouse) has made a decision
without "household" consent.
While I'm glad someone went to a conference and got excited and
changed parenting patterns, to go home and change things and then want
the other spouse to just hop aboard seems wrong.
If someone wrote "I went to a tent revival and came home and have been
living as a born-again Christian for a month, and my husband didn't
throw away his comic books and rock'n'roll."
(Not as good an analogy as Joyce's great one about a pressure cooker
yesterday. <g>)
Persuading the other parent that the ideas are good. Go gently into
it. Find joyful examples with your own children. Add one wonderful
thing at a time, instead of opening the gates and flooding everything.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
unschooling household.-=-
How can that really be, though? If one is "the outsider" then it
seems the rest of the family (the other spouse) has made a decision
without "household" consent.
While I'm glad someone went to a conference and got excited and
changed parenting patterns, to go home and change things and then want
the other spouse to just hop aboard seems wrong.
If someone wrote "I went to a tent revival and came home and have been
living as a born-again Christian for a month, and my husband didn't
throw away his comic books and rock'n'roll."
(Not as good an analogy as Joyce's great one about a pressure cooker
yesterday. <g>)
Persuading the other parent that the ideas are good. Go gently into
it. Find joyful examples with your own children. Add one wonderful
thing at a time, instead of opening the gates and flooding everything.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-. One idea (which I think is
indispensable) is to get in the habit of taking a mini-picnic with you
when you go somewhere.=-
I think I learned that from La Leche League--to keep snacks with you
all the time. Dry cheerios, at least, so anytime a toddler says
"hungry" you have something right there. It's the next step extension
from nursing on demand (breastfeeding babies when they want to, if
possible, rather than by the clock or by the mom's preferences).
Once a kid gets past the age of dried cereal, it might need to be
dried fruit, string cheese, something more substantial. If that
practice comes on gradually over the years, the idea that taking food
with you into the car instead of making a child sit and eat is bad
can't begin to occur.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
indispensable) is to get in the habit of taking a mini-picnic with you
when you go somewhere.=-
I think I learned that from La Leche League--to keep snacks with you
all the time. Dry cheerios, at least, so anytime a toddler says
"hungry" you have something right there. It's the next step extension
from nursing on demand (breastfeeding babies when they want to, if
possible, rather than by the clock or by the mom's preferences).
Once a kid gets past the age of dried cereal, it might need to be
dried fruit, string cheese, something more substantial. If that
practice comes on gradually over the years, the idea that taking food
with you into the car instead of making a child sit and eat is bad
can't begin to occur.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
>>>> It's the next step extensionfrom nursing on demand (breastfeeding babies when they want to, if
possible, rather than by the clock or by the mom's preferences).
Once a kid gets past the age of dried cereal, it might need to be
dried fruit, string cheese, something more substantial. If that
practice comes on gradually over the years, the idea that taking food
with you into the car instead of making a child sit and eat is bad
can't begin to occur. <<<<
Yes. I think I may have looked pretty much like an alternative bag
lady at one point there. I got flack for nursing too. But hey. Kinda
hard to stop me. (chuckling) My family. My choice.
~Katherine