luckyroy3

Here is a perfect example of the kind of name calling I am talking about:
we were driving home from town tonight. Two boys (7&8) were playing. Then they got carried away and the younger one accidentally hurt the older one-poked his eye, I think. The older one(who has the worst habit of this), said (in a knee-jerk response, almost like it was one word, "Ow, you idiot!"
The child he said it to couldn't have cared less-I truly think he just sees this as his brother's way of reacting(unfortunately), and he was laughing and carrying on just the same. It's all over in a few seconds with no hard feelings, but I simply don't like anyone talking like that in our family.
I really feel like it has become a bad habit rather than a malicious spirit. That's why I had tried to "break" the habit with consequences. For example, when he used that word he would lose the computer for a day. Now I can see why that doesn't "work" and how I have been much too behavior focused. I am going to read and reread all the great references you all have so graciously shared with me and begin anew!!!

Sandra Dodd

-= Two boys (7&8) were playing. Then they got carried away and the
younger one accidentally hurt the older one-poked his eye, I think.
The older one(who has the worst habit of this), said (in a knee-jerk
response, almost like it was one word, "Ow, you idiot!"
The child he said it to couldn't have cared less-I truly think he just
sees this as his brother's way of reacting(unfortunately), and he was
laughing and carrying on just the same. It's all over in a few seconds
with no hard feelings, but I simply don't like anyone talking like
that in our family.-=-

I think I would have said (forcefully, in an "I have the floor" kind
of voice) "Was it an accident?"

If either or both say "yes," I might've said "Please be more careful,
because eye injuries are really awful."

It's okay to divert from the moment rather than delving to the depths
of what's happening.

Say something useful and true while defusing the escalating
situation. Say something that brings gravity and a new mood. (Or
levity and a new mood, depending, but you said there was laughing and
carrying on.)

If it goes another direction, you could say the older one needs to
play more gently, or that making a mistake doesn't make one "an idiot."

Depending on the interests of the kids, you might sometimes sit with
the internet available and discuss the dictionary definitions of
"stupid" and "idiot." That could help them see why it's hurtful to
say those things, and wrong.

There ARE things that are "wrong." Lots of them. None of them, if
you have no plans or directions or intent to stay alive, but assuming
you want to reach a town or the top of the mountain or just a nice
meadow for a day off from hiking, heading off a cliff into a deep
fissure is "wrong." Climbing up when the destination is downhill is
wrong.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

> Here is a perfect example of the kind of name calling I am talking
about:
> we were driving home from town tonight. Two boys (7&8) were playing.
Then they got carried away and the younger one accidentally hurt the
older one-poked his eye, I think. The older one(who has the worst habit
of this), said (in a knee-jerk response, almost like it was one word,
"Ow, you idiot!"
> The child he said it to couldn't have cared less-I truly think he just
sees this as his brother's way of reacting(unfortunately), and he was
laughing and carrying on just the same. It's all over in a few seconds
with no hard feelings, but I simply don't like anyone talking like that
in our family.
> I really feel like it has become a bad habit rather than a malicious
spirit.



I would've said "whoa, stop a minute, everyone!" Then I would've
pointed out that 1. someone got hurt by rowdy play, 2. older sibling
needs to get the attention of the younger one and say, you are being too
rowdy, you really did hurt me, 3. younger sibling needs to see that he
actually did hurt someone, even accidentally and should probably see if
the other person is ok, and 4. state clearly that it was an accident and
nobody is an idiot and please don't call anyone an idiot over rowdy play
that got carried away and caused someone to get hurt. Then I would've
said to carry on, but more gently please.

That's what I would've done in that situation.