ideas for friend with eating disorder from super-controlling family?
Lyla Wolfenstein
i am hoping some folks here have some ideas or experiences. althought it is not directly about unschooling, in a way, i think it is, because it is about the impacts of overcontrol, AND it's impacting my daughter, corina, who IS unschooling - it's an in the trenches learning experience for her.....so i hope it's ok
anyhow, she has a friend, whom she knows from when she was in school. my daughter is almost 14, and so is this girl. my daughter can ONLY see this girl if she goes and visits her old school and meets her during a break, and on intant messaging/chat, because this girl's family is so incredibly fearful and controlling, and apparently thinks my daughter is bad news, simply from the way she dresses (which isn't even shocking, just, say, a tank top instead of a high neck t-shirt), and also from the previous year, when her friend would hold my daughter up as an example of the freedom she craved - as in "corina has an email address", or "corina's mom is letting her go to _____'s birthday party" - etc. so the parents think i am the epitomy of negletful and permissive, and am just "trying to be my daughter's friend and not her mother" etc. familiar story, but very very extreme. this girl is not allowed to go off campus for lunch in a private school of 85 kids - 13-18 years old, of whom all but one other go off campus!
anyhow, she is a "good girl" and is terrified of disobeying her parents, but has expressed a tremendous amount of tormented loathing of her mom, but also fear and despondency over her perceptions that her mom hates her, her mom will control her even when she goes to to college, etc.
most recently, she confided in my daughter that she "threw up" last year, a lot (bulimia). but she insisted that she had it under control this year, and won't ever do that again. well, last night, she confided in my daughter again that she actually was still doing it, and wasn't even really aware of how frequently. she said "i should probably tell someone and get help" but she won't. and her fear, most likely well founded, is that her parents would not respond well, or helpfully. when faced with a 95% on a test last year, her mom said "well, do you want to be just average? why didn't you get 100?" or something like that. herr daughter even tried to talk with her a month or more ago about her need for more autonomy, and her mom said "well, when i say do something you just need to do it - i am the mom - that is the way it is." she also told the girl she never even wanted to have kids. she is so very very unreceptive and unkind as well.
so, my questions are:
- anyone ever deal with an eating disorder and have tips on things my daughter can say/do to support this girl, given her lack of in person access?
- any ideas for ME on ways i might be able to help? my daughter already told the girl that if she ever needed adult support, that i would be a willing resource - but i'd like to hear about experiences embracing and supporting other people's kids/teens, when the other parents won't allow it? if the girl opts to ome over some day without telling her parents (it would probably be during a school day because the school is near, but they live far, and the parents wouldn't LET her leave the house), what are my legal issues? any? am i obligated to all this girl's parents and tell them she is at our house? other things i haven't thought about? what if i want to help this girl get counseling? the school has no counselor - small private school....- any other ideas for ways to support my daughter (and hopefully her friend) through this? this girl has NO adult to talk to.
thanks.
Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
anyhow, she has a friend, whom she knows from when she was in school. my daughter is almost 14, and so is this girl. my daughter can ONLY see this girl if she goes and visits her old school and meets her during a break, and on intant messaging/chat, because this girl's family is so incredibly fearful and controlling, and apparently thinks my daughter is bad news, simply from the way she dresses (which isn't even shocking, just, say, a tank top instead of a high neck t-shirt), and also from the previous year, when her friend would hold my daughter up as an example of the freedom she craved - as in "corina has an email address", or "corina's mom is letting her go to _____'s birthday party" - etc. so the parents think i am the epitomy of negletful and permissive, and am just "trying to be my daughter's friend and not her mother" etc. familiar story, but very very extreme. this girl is not allowed to go off campus for lunch in a private school of 85 kids - 13-18 years old, of whom all but one other go off campus!
anyhow, she is a "good girl" and is terrified of disobeying her parents, but has expressed a tremendous amount of tormented loathing of her mom, but also fear and despondency over her perceptions that her mom hates her, her mom will control her even when she goes to to college, etc.
most recently, she confided in my daughter that she "threw up" last year, a lot (bulimia). but she insisted that she had it under control this year, and won't ever do that again. well, last night, she confided in my daughter again that she actually was still doing it, and wasn't even really aware of how frequently. she said "i should probably tell someone and get help" but she won't. and her fear, most likely well founded, is that her parents would not respond well, or helpfully. when faced with a 95% on a test last year, her mom said "well, do you want to be just average? why didn't you get 100?" or something like that. herr daughter even tried to talk with her a month or more ago about her need for more autonomy, and her mom said "well, when i say do something you just need to do it - i am the mom - that is the way it is." she also told the girl she never even wanted to have kids. she is so very very unreceptive and unkind as well.
so, my questions are:
- anyone ever deal with an eating disorder and have tips on things my daughter can say/do to support this girl, given her lack of in person access?
- any ideas for ME on ways i might be able to help? my daughter already told the girl that if she ever needed adult support, that i would be a willing resource - but i'd like to hear about experiences embracing and supporting other people's kids/teens, when the other parents won't allow it? if the girl opts to ome over some day without telling her parents (it would probably be during a school day because the school is near, but they live far, and the parents wouldn't LET her leave the house), what are my legal issues? any? am i obligated to all this girl's parents and tell them she is at our house? other things i haven't thought about? what if i want to help this girl get counseling? the school has no counselor - small private school....- any other ideas for ways to support my daughter (and hopefully her friend) through this? this girl has NO adult to talk to.
thanks.
Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Roberta Scherr
It is very common for girls who are over controlled to control that which they can, which is to say what they put in their mouth, or keep in their stomach. I would encourage the girl to call her family doctor. In most states, children with mental health concerns who are over 14 can seek care independent of their parents. She could do this from school. Most physicians ask to speak to adolescents without their parents present, especially during physical appointments, but if she called in advance, the doctor's office could be alerted to her need to speak with the doctor alone.
I hope that this helps.
________________________________
From: Lyla Wolfenstein <lylaw@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 12:10:38 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] ideas for friend with eating disorder from super-controlling family?
i am hoping some folks here have some ideas or experiences. althought it is not directly about unschooling, in a way, i think it is, because it is about the impacts of overcontrol, AND it's impacting my daughter, corina, who IS unschooling - it's an in the trenches learning experience for her.....so i hope it's ok
anyhow, she has a friend, whom she knows from when she was in school. my daughter is almost 14, and so is this girl. my daughter can ONLY see this girl if she goes and visits her old school and meets her during a break, and on intant messaging/chat, because this girl's family is so incredibly fearful and controlling, and apparently thinks my daughter is bad news, simply from the way she dresses (which isn't even shocking, just, say, a tank top instead of a high neck t-shirt), and also from the previous year, when her friend would hold my daughter up as an example of the freedom she craved - as in "corina has an email address", or "corina's mom is letting her go to _____'s birthday party" - etc. so the parents think i am the epitomy of negletful and permissive, and am just "trying to be my daughter's friend and not her mother" etc. familiar story, but very very extreme. this girl is not allowed to go off campus for lunch in a private school of 85 kids -
13-18 years old, of whom all but one other go off campus!
anyhow, she is a "good girl" and is terrified of disobeying her parents, but has expressed a tremendous amount of tormented loathing of her mom, but also fear and despondency over her perceptions that her mom hates her, her mom will control her even when she goes to to college, etc.
most recently, she confided in my daughter that she "threw up" last year, a lot (bulimia). but she insisted that she had it under control this year, and won't ever do that again. well, last night, she confided in my daughter again that she actually was still doing it, and wasn't even really aware of how frequently. she said "i should probably tell someone and get help" but she won't. and her fear, most likely well founded, is that her parents would not respond well, or helpfully. when faced with a 95% on a test last year, her mom said "well, do you want to be just average? why didn't you get 100?" or something like that. herr daughter even tried to talk with her a month or more ago about her need for more autonomy, and her mom said "well, when i say do something you just need to do it - i am the mom - that is the way it is." she also told the girl she never even wanted to have kids. she is so very very unreceptive and unkind as well.
so, my questions are:
- anyone ever deal with an eating disorder and have tips on things my daughter can say/do to support this girl, given her lack of in person access?
- any ideas for ME on ways i might be able to help? my daughter already told the girl that if she ever needed adult support, that i would be a willing resource - but i'd like to hear about experiences embracing and supporting other people's kids/teens, when the other parents won't allow it? if the girl opts to ome over some day without telling her parents (it would probably be during a school day because the school is near, but they live far, and the parents wouldn't LET her leave the house), what are my legal issues? any? am i obligated to all this girl's parents and tell them she is at our house? other things i haven't thought about? what if i want to help this girl get counseling? the school has no counselor - small private school....- any other ideas for ways to support my daughter (and hopefully her friend) through this? this girl has NO adult to talk to.
thanks.
Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I hope that this helps.
________________________________
From: Lyla Wolfenstein <lylaw@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2009 12:10:38 PM
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] ideas for friend with eating disorder from super-controlling family?
i am hoping some folks here have some ideas or experiences. althought it is not directly about unschooling, in a way, i think it is, because it is about the impacts of overcontrol, AND it's impacting my daughter, corina, who IS unschooling - it's an in the trenches learning experience for her.....so i hope it's ok
anyhow, she has a friend, whom she knows from when she was in school. my daughter is almost 14, and so is this girl. my daughter can ONLY see this girl if she goes and visits her old school and meets her during a break, and on intant messaging/chat, because this girl's family is so incredibly fearful and controlling, and apparently thinks my daughter is bad news, simply from the way she dresses (which isn't even shocking, just, say, a tank top instead of a high neck t-shirt), and also from the previous year, when her friend would hold my daughter up as an example of the freedom she craved - as in "corina has an email address", or "corina's mom is letting her go to _____'s birthday party" - etc. so the parents think i am the epitomy of negletful and permissive, and am just "trying to be my daughter's friend and not her mother" etc. familiar story, but very very extreme. this girl is not allowed to go off campus for lunch in a private school of 85 kids -
13-18 years old, of whom all but one other go off campus!
anyhow, she is a "good girl" and is terrified of disobeying her parents, but has expressed a tremendous amount of tormented loathing of her mom, but also fear and despondency over her perceptions that her mom hates her, her mom will control her even when she goes to to college, etc.
most recently, she confided in my daughter that she "threw up" last year, a lot (bulimia). but she insisted that she had it under control this year, and won't ever do that again. well, last night, she confided in my daughter again that she actually was still doing it, and wasn't even really aware of how frequently. she said "i should probably tell someone and get help" but she won't. and her fear, most likely well founded, is that her parents would not respond well, or helpfully. when faced with a 95% on a test last year, her mom said "well, do you want to be just average? why didn't you get 100?" or something like that. herr daughter even tried to talk with her a month or more ago about her need for more autonomy, and her mom said "well, when i say do something you just need to do it - i am the mom - that is the way it is." she also told the girl she never even wanted to have kids. she is so very very unreceptive and unkind as well.
so, my questions are:
- anyone ever deal with an eating disorder and have tips on things my daughter can say/do to support this girl, given her lack of in person access?
- any ideas for ME on ways i might be able to help? my daughter already told the girl that if she ever needed adult support, that i would be a willing resource - but i'd like to hear about experiences embracing and supporting other people's kids/teens, when the other parents won't allow it? if the girl opts to ome over some day without telling her parents (it would probably be during a school day because the school is near, but they live far, and the parents wouldn't LET her leave the house), what are my legal issues? any? am i obligated to all this girl's parents and tell them she is at our house? other things i haven't thought about? what if i want to help this girl get counseling? the school has no counselor - small private school....- any other ideas for ways to support my daughter (and hopefully her friend) through this? this girl has NO adult to talk to.
thanks.
Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]