I keep messing up- need help with frame of mind.
Verna
Ok today I messed up with my 6 year old. I feel really bad. Little background, my husband is out of town and coming home tonight. He has been gone almost a week. This son, of all my kids, adjusts the most slowly to change. He has had a hard week. My husband doesnt typically travel so this isnt normal. He went to go see his mother. My parents came a few days into the trip and have been helping me out. And although that helps me ALOT and my son loves them alot, he has difficulty sometimes when they visit due to the changes in routines.
My 3 oldest kids (5,6,7) descided they wanted to take a swimming class. It started today. Well, my son was so excited about it but when they got there he shut down completely. He didnt want to swim, he wouldnt get in the water. I dont know what happened. The teachers started the classes and he sat. Looking misserable. It took me the 45 minutes of the class to figure out he had wanted to be in the class with my oldest son.. I tried to take him to it cause I am sure that would have been fine. But at that point he was embarressed.
So here is where I messed up. I told him I was upset, because I was paying for these lessons and he was wasting my money. I didnt raise my voice but I was so completely wrong. He was ok by the time we got home, after the class was over, he swam for a while, then we all went to the park and for icecream. Then I had to leave for work. But I didnt apoligize.
I find those kinds of situations so difficult and so difficult not to fall back into kind of traditional parenting frame of mind. I dont want to but it seems when I get in those situations, switching my thinking has been very difficult.
My 3 oldest kids (5,6,7) descided they wanted to take a swimming class. It started today. Well, my son was so excited about it but when they got there he shut down completely. He didnt want to swim, he wouldnt get in the water. I dont know what happened. The teachers started the classes and he sat. Looking misserable. It took me the 45 minutes of the class to figure out he had wanted to be in the class with my oldest son.. I tried to take him to it cause I am sure that would have been fine. But at that point he was embarressed.
So here is where I messed up. I told him I was upset, because I was paying for these lessons and he was wasting my money. I didnt raise my voice but I was so completely wrong. He was ok by the time we got home, after the class was over, he swam for a while, then we all went to the park and for icecream. Then I had to leave for work. But I didnt apoligize.
I find those kinds of situations so difficult and so difficult not to fall back into kind of traditional parenting frame of mind. I dont want to but it seems when I get in those situations, switching my thinking has been very difficult.
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/18/2009 2:46 PM, Verna wrote:
learn from).
Next time, you'll know to gently comfort and ask questions. Go through,
in your mind, how the scenario could have gone differently. For example,
as soon as he started to balk at participating, you could have sat down
together somewhere out of the way, with him cuddled against you. You
could have said, "Not going as you'd expected?" You could have said,
"Not working out for you, huh?" Just say something sympathetic and let
him let you know what the problem is. If he doesn't tell you (he may not
know), then you just keep cuddling and being kind and gentle. You
support what HE wants - you can say, "You can go to the class or we can
watch together." In other words, make sure he knows that he still has a
choice and it is okay to choose to sit it out.
If you go over it in your head - maybe a few different scenarios - then
you'll be able to shift into that frame of mind more easily the next
time something like this comes up.
In the meantime, apologize by telling him it was perfectly all right for
him not to want to do it - that you're sorry you didn't figure out
sooner what he wanted, that you will listen more in the future, or
whatever it is you feel like you ought to be saying. Keep it short and
sweet - no need to prolong it. But, yes, I would apologize because you
could have left him feeling like he did something wrong and he'll could
become hesitant to even show interest in things like this in the future,
for fear he will be shamed if he wants to back out. Make it clear that
that won't happen again.
-pam
> So here is where I messed up. I told him I was upset, because I was paying for these lessons and he was wasting my money. I didnt raise my voice but I was so completely wrong. He was ok by the time we got home, after the class was over, he swam for a while, then we all went to the park and for icecream. Then I had to leave for work. But I didnt apoligize.It is a "learningtake" (Kelly Lovejoy's word for a mistake that you
> I find those kinds of situations so difficult and so difficult not to fall back into kind of traditional parenting frame of mind. I dont want to but it seems when I get in those situations, switching my thinking has been very difficult.
>
learn from).
Next time, you'll know to gently comfort and ask questions. Go through,
in your mind, how the scenario could have gone differently. For example,
as soon as he started to balk at participating, you could have sat down
together somewhere out of the way, with him cuddled against you. You
could have said, "Not going as you'd expected?" You could have said,
"Not working out for you, huh?" Just say something sympathetic and let
him let you know what the problem is. If he doesn't tell you (he may not
know), then you just keep cuddling and being kind and gentle. You
support what HE wants - you can say, "You can go to the class or we can
watch together." In other words, make sure he knows that he still has a
choice and it is okay to choose to sit it out.
If you go over it in your head - maybe a few different scenarios - then
you'll be able to shift into that frame of mind more easily the next
time something like this comes up.
In the meantime, apologize by telling him it was perfectly all right for
him not to want to do it - that you're sorry you didn't figure out
sooner what he wanted, that you will listen more in the future, or
whatever it is you feel like you ought to be saying. Keep it short and
sweet - no need to prolong it. But, yes, I would apologize because you
could have left him feeling like he did something wrong and he'll could
become hesitant to even show interest in things like this in the future,
for fear he will be shamed if he wants to back out. Make it clear that
that won't happen again.
-pam
Nicole Willoughby
There is no statute of limitations on apologies <bwg>
I mess up and mess up and keep trying. One thing that I learned on here and try to do whenever possible is think about how I would react in a similiar situation with another adult.
For example if i had bought concert tickets for dh and I and he wasn't feeling well and didnt want to go. I call a friend and offer last minute tickets and snuggle up in bed to watch netflix with him.
We are having a hard time right now and looking at dh getting laid off soon so I understand the feeling of wasting but there are so many diff ways of looking at money. The money was spent out of love wether he went to the class or not. Some would say you are wasting money if you go out and do anything without having all your credit cards paid off cars paid for etc :) .
Nicole
Never play with hot lava in the house ~Alyssa,5
I mess up and mess up and keep trying. One thing that I learned on here and try to do whenever possible is think about how I would react in a similiar situation with another adult.
For example if i had bought concert tickets for dh and I and he wasn't feeling well and didnt want to go. I call a friend and offer last minute tickets and snuggle up in bed to watch netflix with him.
We are having a hard time right now and looking at dh getting laid off soon so I understand the feeling of wasting but there are so many diff ways of looking at money. The money was spent out of love wether he went to the class or not. Some would say you are wasting money if you go out and do anything without having all your credit cards paid off cars paid for etc :) .
Nicole
Never play with hot lava in the house ~Alyssa,5
--- On Wed, 3/18/09, Verna <lalow@...> wrote:
From: Verna <lalow@...>
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] I keep messing up- need help with frame of mind.
To: [email protected]
Date: Wednesday, March 18, 2009, 4:46 PM
Ok today I messed up with my 6 year old. I feel really bad. Little background, my husband is out of town and coming home tonight. He has been gone almost a week. This son, of all my kids, adjusts the most slowly to change. He has had a hard week. My husband doesnt typically travel so this isnt normal. He went to go see his mother. My parents came a few days into the trip and have been helping me out. And although that helps me ALOT and my son loves them alot, he has difficulty sometimes when they visit due to the changes in routines.
My 3 oldest kids (5,6,7) descided they wanted to take a swimming class. It started today. Well, my son was so excited about it but when they got there he shut down completely. He didnt want to swim, he wouldnt get in the water. I dont know what happened. The teachers started the classes and he sat. Looking misserable. It took me the 45 minutes of the class to figure out he had wanted to be in the class with my oldest son.. I tried to take him to it cause I am sure that would have been fine. But at that point he was embarressed.
So here is where I messed up. I told him I was upset, because I was paying for these lessons and he was wasting my money. I didnt raise my voice but I was so completely wrong. He was ok by the time we got home, after the class was over, he swam for a while, then we all went to the park and for icecream. Then I had to leave for work. But I didnt apoligize.
I find those kinds of situations so difficult and so difficult not to fall back into kind of traditional parenting frame of mind. I dont want to but it seems when I get in those situations, switching my thinking has been very difficult.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Verna
>I did cuddle with him and I did gently try to get him to open up. But this evening as I read this and as I thought over what happened, I realized that what I didnt do i really feel it was ok for him to choose to not participate. Everything I was doing was to try to get him to do what I wanted him to. I never accepted that that it might be ok for him to choose not to do it.
> Next time, you'll know to gently comfort and ask questions. Go through,
> in your mind, how the scenario could have gone differently. For example,
> as soon as he started to balk at participating, you could have sat down
> together somewhere out of the way, with him cuddled against you. You
> could have said, "Not going as you'd expected?" You could have said,
> "Not working out for you, huh?" Just say something sympathetic and let
> him let you know what the problem is. If he doesn't tell you (he may not
> know), then you just keep cuddling and being kind and gentle. You
> support what HE wants - you can say, "You can go to the class or we can
> watch together." In other words, make sure he knows that he still has a
> choice and it is okay to choose to sit it out.
>I did apoligize and told him it wouldnt happen again. I let him know that next week he could join the class or hang out with me. Either way he could swim after the class.
> In the meantime, apologize by telling him it was perfectly all right for
> him not to want to do it - that you're sorry you didn't figure out
> sooner what he wanted, that you will listen more in the future, or
> whatever it is you feel like you ought to be saying. Keep it short and
> sweet - no need to prolong it. But, yes, I would apologize because you
> could have left him feeling like he did something wrong and he'll could
> become hesitant to even show interest in things like this in the future,
> for fear he will be shamed if he wants to back out. Make it clear that
> that won't happen again.
>
> -pam
Sandra Dodd
-=-My parents came a few days into the trip and have been helping me
out. ...
...I find those kinds of situations so difficult and so difficult not
to fall back into kind of traditional parenting frame of mind. -=-
I think having one's parents there is more likely to trigger your own
mom-recordings than anything on earth.
It'll probably be better when they're gone.
I agree with what others said about apologizing. I don't think
promising it will never happen again is a good idea. Saying "I'll try
not to let it happen again" would be better, and saying "If I ever do
this again, remind me I didn't want to." would work.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
out. ...
...I find those kinds of situations so difficult and so difficult not
to fall back into kind of traditional parenting frame of mind. -=-
I think having one's parents there is more likely to trigger your own
mom-recordings than anything on earth.
It'll probably be better when they're gone.
I agree with what others said about apologizing. I don't think
promising it will never happen again is a good idea. Saying "I'll try
not to let it happen again" would be better, and saying "If I ever do
this again, remind me I didn't want to." would work.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/18/2009 7:13 PM, Verna wrote:
Seriously, we'll ALL blow it, at times. Learning from our mistakes, and
apologizing for them, are great skills to model for our kids, right?
-pam
> I did apoligize and told him it wouldnt happen again. I let him know that next week he could join the class or hang out with me. Either way he could swim after the class.All's well that ends well. <G>
>
>
Seriously, we'll ALL blow it, at times. Learning from our mistakes, and
apologizing for them, are great skills to model for our kids, right?
-pam
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/18/2009 8:49 PM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
would never happen again. But, that's maybe too much to count on it.
-pam
> I agree with what others said about apologizing. I don't thinkGood point. I was thinking that this was a great insight and it really
> promising it will never happen again is a good idea. Saying "I'll try
> not to let it happen again" would be better, and saying "If I ever do
> this again, remind me I didn't want to." would work.
>
>
would never happen again. But, that's maybe too much to count on it.
-pam