Should the past be known to your husband?
Sandra Dodd
The subject line was what came with the writing below. I've edited a
little below, not to change any details, but to disguise writing.
Please help me be Dear Abby or Ann Landers to this anonymous person
asking for her friend.
===============================================
I would like to ask your opinion on a matter that someone brought up
and wants an answer to. For the protection of said person I will write
about her calling her "Jane Doe". She could be anyone.
The subject came up while reading the drug thread on [AlwaysLearning]...
Jane used a certain drug for 16 years. She used it even in the
beginning years of being with her husband to be. She kept it hidden.
Hidden from her family too. She and her husband talked about past
drug use and he said once, "You would never use that drug would you?"
She didn't answer. He believes she's not the type to do that. She has
been clean, on her own, for 10 or so years. She would never do it
again. She never told him because she is afraid he will see her
differently.
Recently, however, he asked her if she was ever addicted or used any
drugs. She asked why and he said because,sometimes if you did, you
could have medical problems later in life......hmmm. What should she
do? Some people say,what's in the past is the past. She is ashamed to
admit to it. She believes you don't live your future by your past and
I think that's good but should she tell her husband?
===================================================
-=-She could be anyone.-=-
She couldn't be me. I don't have a single secret from Keith, nor did
I have from any of my boyfriends ever.
-=-Should the past be known to your husband?-=-
YIKES! Yes. But before he's the husband. Now, it's a problem.
When Marty was younger (7, 8) he would tell stories. Good stories,
but he would tell them in first person as though he really did these
things. That's called lying. He didn't set out to lie. He wasn't
dodging truth to get out of "trouble," but he was spinning yarns. I
told him then that it's important to be the kind of person others
believe. If they trust his accounts it will make him a better person
and a better friend.
The Boy who Cried "Wolf" comes to mind, for mainstream warnings about
the value of honesty.
In the SCA I've had students over the years, and it's been in the
field of service and virtue--"being good." Philosophy. Politics,
sometimes. Management/organization/inspiration stuff. I've had
eight or a dozen, depending how they're counted. Some have had no
problems with being candid and straightforward, and others had a
sneaky streak. What I've advised to help them do better is to say if
they live in such a way that they aren't ashamed, then they'll find it
easier to tell the truth.
But that moves back a step to the drug use itself. And that wasn't
the question.
When anyone does anything they're going to choose to keep secret, that
risk can affect things way down the road. If someone lied to a
boyfriend, and then got married, and then kept lying, and that keeps
her from being able to have the kind of relationship with her husband
that will make unschooling work, or if it causes a divorce so that her
children aren't able to grow up with both parents together, the best
use for this list might be to see the situation and help our children
be the kind of people who don't get into similar situations.
Not very direct. I hope other people have direct ideas.
Sandra
little below, not to change any details, but to disguise writing.
Please help me be Dear Abby or Ann Landers to this anonymous person
asking for her friend.
===============================================
I would like to ask your opinion on a matter that someone brought up
and wants an answer to. For the protection of said person I will write
about her calling her "Jane Doe". She could be anyone.
The subject came up while reading the drug thread on [AlwaysLearning]...
Jane used a certain drug for 16 years. She used it even in the
beginning years of being with her husband to be. She kept it hidden.
Hidden from her family too. She and her husband talked about past
drug use and he said once, "You would never use that drug would you?"
She didn't answer. He believes she's not the type to do that. She has
been clean, on her own, for 10 or so years. She would never do it
again. She never told him because she is afraid he will see her
differently.
Recently, however, he asked her if she was ever addicted or used any
drugs. She asked why and he said because,sometimes if you did, you
could have medical problems later in life......hmmm. What should she
do? Some people say,what's in the past is the past. She is ashamed to
admit to it. She believes you don't live your future by your past and
I think that's good but should she tell her husband?
===================================================
-=-She could be anyone.-=-
She couldn't be me. I don't have a single secret from Keith, nor did
I have from any of my boyfriends ever.
-=-Should the past be known to your husband?-=-
YIKES! Yes. But before he's the husband. Now, it's a problem.
When Marty was younger (7, 8) he would tell stories. Good stories,
but he would tell them in first person as though he really did these
things. That's called lying. He didn't set out to lie. He wasn't
dodging truth to get out of "trouble," but he was spinning yarns. I
told him then that it's important to be the kind of person others
believe. If they trust his accounts it will make him a better person
and a better friend.
The Boy who Cried "Wolf" comes to mind, for mainstream warnings about
the value of honesty.
In the SCA I've had students over the years, and it's been in the
field of service and virtue--"being good." Philosophy. Politics,
sometimes. Management/organization/inspiration stuff. I've had
eight or a dozen, depending how they're counted. Some have had no
problems with being candid and straightforward, and others had a
sneaky streak. What I've advised to help them do better is to say if
they live in such a way that they aren't ashamed, then they'll find it
easier to tell the truth.
But that moves back a step to the drug use itself. And that wasn't
the question.
When anyone does anything they're going to choose to keep secret, that
risk can affect things way down the road. If someone lied to a
boyfriend, and then got married, and then kept lying, and that keeps
her from being able to have the kind of relationship with her husband
that will make unschooling work, or if it causes a divorce so that her
children aren't able to grow up with both parents together, the best
use for this list might be to see the situation and help our children
be the kind of people who don't get into similar situations.
Not very direct. I hope other people have direct ideas.
Sandra
Pam Sorooshian
On 3/16/2009 4:26 PM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
Maybe he knows and isn't comfortable pretending not to know.
I mean, otherwise, I don't understand why he's asking.
She could start with saying, "So, you asked a couple of times about any
former drug use, and I wondered what made you ask?"
-pam
> Not very direct. I hope other people have direct ideas.That her husband has asked, more than once, is sort of odd, isn't it?
>
Maybe he knows and isn't comfortable pretending not to know.
I mean, otherwise, I don't understand why he's asking.
She could start with saying, "So, you asked a couple of times about any
former drug use, and I wondered what made you ask?"
-pam
Renee M
Or, she could say "I'd really like to talk to you about something that I haven't been completely honest with you about. I was worried you'd see me differently or not want to be with me if you knew, so I never told you. But now I want to, just so it's out in the open."
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
>>> Or, she could say "I'd really like to talk to you about something that Ihaven't been completely honest with you about. I was worried you'd see me
differently or not want to be with me if you knew, so I never told you. But
now I want to, just so it's out in the open." <<<
It really depends *greatly* on the quality of the relationship in the first
place, as to whether or not one should out oneself after keeping it quiet
and then being clean for 10+ years.
I had a bit of hmmm.. at wondering just what medical problems he could be
referring to. There are those but is that really why he wants to know? Or
is it not really why? I'd want to know if that's the problem. It was
stated pretty close to the beginning of the post. Just what is the worry
there?
Telling all can be devastating and could end in divorce and the kids not
really having either of the parents, realistically speaking, no matter which
parent (or whoever else) ends up with custody.
I feel that confession is not the first consideration. If a person is
worried that it would change the husband's perception of her, then that to
me is good enough reason to take Pam's approach and find out more
information.
Because. If it's just a matter of the husband perhaps even being curious
himself about drug use at this late date, maybe he has no idea of the health
effects. And maybe that's what he's really asking.
~Katherine
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
I've got varied perspectives on this one, all wrapped up in me!
When I met Mitch, DDH (Dead Darling Husband), I dubbed him a Thug. He hung
out with local dealers, though he didn't seem an addict.
Once we began dating, he kept me (& us) far from that lifestyle and I
realized he saw me as a chance to start over. Even moving the two of us to
South Dakota to have a clean chance at a new life, away from the temptations
of his former lifestyle.
Even after dating, living together, moving, marriage and children, I knew
very, very few details of this Thug existence he lived. Only that he
collected money for his friends who were dealers. That's it. I knew that if
I pressed, I could get answers, and I knew those answers would change how I
looked at this Man before me. I chose not to ask. I chose, instead to live
in the Now and let him live there, too, without regret or fear.
After his Los Angeles funeral, I was invited a by the few friends I knew to
join a larger group in celebration of Mitch. Once there, however, I
realized the stories being told were of that time, that pleasantly unknown
to me time, of mischeif and mayhem. I chose to leave and maintain the
memories of the Mitch I knew, leaving them with their own memories,
untainted by my reaction - and I tossed in the modern version of Mitch for
'em too :)
The difference here, I suppose is the fact that I had a choice to know, and
chose ignorance.
A life partner deserves that choice.
I have the sneaky streak Sandra described, after a childhood of lying as
survival, knowing that I've kinda swung to the other end of the spectrum.
At 40, I'm feeling like I'm finding my happy middle :D
I'm pretty much out there, open and trusting. I have faith that if you love
me now, you'll not mind the path it took for me to get here. I count on
that among my friends and loved ones. It's been THE most painful experience
to have some chunk of my past result in present disappointment. So I
understand the fear.
I think it's fair to say to one's partner, "there are things I've done that
I have a hard time discussing because I fear your opinion of me will
change."
I also think it's fair to say to YOU: you fear their judgment because you
are judging yourself harshly.
If you really see the addiction/recovery as a journey of growth and becoming
who you are right now, and however painful the experience, it has added to
your experience/toolbox/life through positive lessons, then you should share
it as just that. What you went through to learn what you learned and now
you are here. Once you were there, not now.
The responsibility's on you, at this point, to sit down and dish it out.
Here's how I learned of Mitch's son he gave up for adoption (which would
have caused me to break up with him immediately if I knew, I had an
Absolutely No Children Anywhere Rule for Dating):
I met Kimmy and Jerry. We hung out 3 or 4 times and Mitch says, "I used to
date Kimmy" oh, I thought, she's nice, she's got a boyfriend, how cool he's
still friends with her.
3 months later: "We lived together at my mom's house." oh, still I liked
them fine. I knew he loved me.
3 more months later: "Wanna see pictures of Thomas? He's the son we had
together and gave up for adoption" oh god, the kid was so cute, it was too
late. :)
Now Hayden knows Thomas is over 18 and might someday find us, to get
information about their dad. Kimmy also has another son, with Jerry. Hayden
and Jerry Jr share a brother, Thomas, but are not truly related to each
other. Hayden can't wait to meet either of them :)
So what could be, and would have been for me, a big display of righteous
judgment, became instead a really cool web of existence for our family.
Like Maslow, I side on the sunny side of humanity. We do the best we can
with what we have. When we know better we do better.
Do better.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
When I met Mitch, DDH (Dead Darling Husband), I dubbed him a Thug. He hung
out with local dealers, though he didn't seem an addict.
Once we began dating, he kept me (& us) far from that lifestyle and I
realized he saw me as a chance to start over. Even moving the two of us to
South Dakota to have a clean chance at a new life, away from the temptations
of his former lifestyle.
Even after dating, living together, moving, marriage and children, I knew
very, very few details of this Thug existence he lived. Only that he
collected money for his friends who were dealers. That's it. I knew that if
I pressed, I could get answers, and I knew those answers would change how I
looked at this Man before me. I chose not to ask. I chose, instead to live
in the Now and let him live there, too, without regret or fear.
After his Los Angeles funeral, I was invited a by the few friends I knew to
join a larger group in celebration of Mitch. Once there, however, I
realized the stories being told were of that time, that pleasantly unknown
to me time, of mischeif and mayhem. I chose to leave and maintain the
memories of the Mitch I knew, leaving them with their own memories,
untainted by my reaction - and I tossed in the modern version of Mitch for
'em too :)
The difference here, I suppose is the fact that I had a choice to know, and
chose ignorance.
A life partner deserves that choice.
I have the sneaky streak Sandra described, after a childhood of lying as
survival, knowing that I've kinda swung to the other end of the spectrum.
At 40, I'm feeling like I'm finding my happy middle :D
I'm pretty much out there, open and trusting. I have faith that if you love
me now, you'll not mind the path it took for me to get here. I count on
that among my friends and loved ones. It's been THE most painful experience
to have some chunk of my past result in present disappointment. So I
understand the fear.
I think it's fair to say to one's partner, "there are things I've done that
I have a hard time discussing because I fear your opinion of me will
change."
I also think it's fair to say to YOU: you fear their judgment because you
are judging yourself harshly.
If you really see the addiction/recovery as a journey of growth and becoming
who you are right now, and however painful the experience, it has added to
your experience/toolbox/life through positive lessons, then you should share
it as just that. What you went through to learn what you learned and now
you are here. Once you were there, not now.
The responsibility's on you, at this point, to sit down and dish it out.
Here's how I learned of Mitch's son he gave up for adoption (which would
have caused me to break up with him immediately if I knew, I had an
Absolutely No Children Anywhere Rule for Dating):
I met Kimmy and Jerry. We hung out 3 or 4 times and Mitch says, "I used to
date Kimmy" oh, I thought, she's nice, she's got a boyfriend, how cool he's
still friends with her.
3 months later: "We lived together at my mom's house." oh, still I liked
them fine. I knew he loved me.
3 more months later: "Wanna see pictures of Thomas? He's the son we had
together and gave up for adoption" oh god, the kid was so cute, it was too
late. :)
Now Hayden knows Thomas is over 18 and might someday find us, to get
information about their dad. Kimmy also has another son, with Jerry. Hayden
and Jerry Jr share a brother, Thomas, but are not truly related to each
other. Hayden can't wait to meet either of them :)
So what could be, and would have been for me, a big display of righteous
judgment, became instead a really cool web of existence for our family.
Like Maslow, I side on the sunny side of humanity. We do the best we can
with what we have. When we know better we do better.
Do better.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
On Mon, Mar 16, 2009 at 4:26 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> The subject line was what came with the writing below. I've edited a
> little below, not to change any details, but to disguise writing.
>
> Please help me be Dear Abby or Ann Landers to this anonymous person
> asking for her friend.
>
> ===============================================
>
> I would like to ask your opinion on a matter that someone brought up
> and wants an answer to. For the protection of said person I will write
> about her calling her "Jane Doe". She could be anyone.
>
> The subject came up while reading the drug thread on [AlwaysLearning]...
>
> Jane used a certain drug for 16 years. She used it even in the
> beginning years of being with her husband to be. She kept it hidden.
> Hidden from her family too. She and her husband talked about past
> drug use and he said once, "You would never use that drug would you?"
> She didn't answer. He believes she's not the type to do that. She has
> been clean, on her own, for 10 or so years. She would never do it
> again. She never told him because she is afraid he will see her
> differently.
>
> Recently, however, he asked her if she was ever addicted or used any
> drugs. She asked why and he said because,sometimes if you did, you
> could have medical problems later in life......hmmm. What should she
> do? Some people say,what's in the past is the past. She is ashamed to
> admit to it. She believes you don't live your future by your past and
> I think that's good but should she tell her husband?
>
> ===================================================
>
> -=-She could be anyone.-=-
>
> She couldn't be me. I don't have a single secret from Keith, nor did
> I have from any of my boyfriends ever.
>
> -=-Should the past be known to your husband?-=-
>
> YIKES! Yes. But before he's the husband. Now, it's a problem.
>
> When Marty was younger (7, 8) he would tell stories. Good stories,
> but he would tell them in first person as though he really did these
> things. That's called lying. He didn't set out to lie. He wasn't
> dodging truth to get out of "trouble," but he was spinning yarns. I
> told him then that it's important to be the kind of person others
> believe. If they trust his accounts it will make him a better person
> and a better friend.
>
> The Boy who Cried "Wolf" comes to mind, for mainstream warnings about
> the value of honesty.
>
> In the SCA I've had students over the years, and it's been in the
> field of service and virtue--"being good." Philosophy. Politics,
> sometimes. Management/organization/inspiration stuff. I've had
> eight or a dozen, depending how they're counted. Some have had no
> problems with being candid and straightforward, and others had a
> sneaky streak. What I've advised to help them do better is to say if
> they live in such a way that they aren't ashamed, then they'll find it
> easier to tell the truth.
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
diana jenner
> I had a bit of hmmm.. at wondering just what medical problems he could beWhen Mitch had a seizure and was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I worried it
> referring to. There are those but is that really why he wants to know? Or
> is it not really why? I'd want to know if that's the problem. It was
> stated pretty close to the beginning of the post. Just what is the worry
> there?
>
might be sourced in that big unknown space of time.
In actuality, it really doesn't matter.
~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.blogspot.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com
dianas365.blogspot.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]