Independence vs. Safety
Heather Lodge
Hi, I finally signed up for this list and I'll introduce myself soon.
But I have a pressing question I need to discuss first.
I am so shaken up right now. I just learned this morning that a young
(7yo) boy was molested, at knife point, at our local municipal building
two days ago. This is the building that houses our library (aka our
home-away-from-home). It is also the building which houses the police
department. Safe, right?
My parenting style is...well...you can probably deduce just from my
presence in this group that I trust my kids to lead and show when they
are ready to handle new challenges. Things like exercising independence.
My eldest is a very emotionally precocious and responsible 5. Two weeks
ago I got read the riot act by a volunteer at our local community center
for having let him "run around" unattended. What I *had* done was show
him around the building, explain the boundaries that I wanted him to
observe, introduce him to the staff on duty, and walk him to the
restroom. When he expressed a desire to "do it himself", I reminded him
of where I would be--at the other end of a short and open hallway. And I
left him to navigate his way back, which he did promptly and without
incident. He handled himself appropriately, and I praised him for his
maturity.
The tongue-lashing I got from the volunteer later (he watched for us and
accosted me on our way out the door) threw me. On one hand, I know what
my child is able to handle and fully trusted him. On the other hand, I
realize that he is very young and less likely than an older child to be
able to protect himself and more likely to raise suspicion from
onlookers. I was unsettled for quite a while, not sure whether I thought
the man was a grouchy old fuddy-duddy or I was an irresponsible parent.
Or neither.
Now I am smacked in the face with a reminder of how we can't trust even
the familiar, safe, known places to be free from threat. My son is more
familiar with the library than with Grandma's house, and is completely
comfortable there. I like that comfort. I like that he has the
confidence to navigate the building on his own. And suddenly, I am
terrified that a knife-wielding pedophile is going to attack him the
second he is out of my direct line of sight.
I guess what has my mind churning right now is...how do you strike a
balance between encouraging your child's independence and recognizing
their maturity level...and just plain protecting them from the Big Bad
World? As a mother reading that news story, I feel compelled to hover.
As a mother who wants to preserve my children's confidence, I am afraid
that too much hovering will do them a disservice. I suppose it's really
a matter of striking a healthy balance. I'm not sure how or if I will
recognize that.
I do not yet fully trust either my child or the world enough to leave
him completely on his own in public situations, but I do "allow" him (by
virtue of trust and not-overly-hovering) more liberty than many of his
age-peers. I am finding it difficult to reconcile this desire to honor
his independence with my duty (and biological imperative) to protect him.
I would be very interested in hearing others' views on this.
TIA,
Heather
But I have a pressing question I need to discuss first.
I am so shaken up right now. I just learned this morning that a young
(7yo) boy was molested, at knife point, at our local municipal building
two days ago. This is the building that houses our library (aka our
home-away-from-home). It is also the building which houses the police
department. Safe, right?
My parenting style is...well...you can probably deduce just from my
presence in this group that I trust my kids to lead and show when they
are ready to handle new challenges. Things like exercising independence.
My eldest is a very emotionally precocious and responsible 5. Two weeks
ago I got read the riot act by a volunteer at our local community center
for having let him "run around" unattended. What I *had* done was show
him around the building, explain the boundaries that I wanted him to
observe, introduce him to the staff on duty, and walk him to the
restroom. When he expressed a desire to "do it himself", I reminded him
of where I would be--at the other end of a short and open hallway. And I
left him to navigate his way back, which he did promptly and without
incident. He handled himself appropriately, and I praised him for his
maturity.
The tongue-lashing I got from the volunteer later (he watched for us and
accosted me on our way out the door) threw me. On one hand, I know what
my child is able to handle and fully trusted him. On the other hand, I
realize that he is very young and less likely than an older child to be
able to protect himself and more likely to raise suspicion from
onlookers. I was unsettled for quite a while, not sure whether I thought
the man was a grouchy old fuddy-duddy or I was an irresponsible parent.
Or neither.
Now I am smacked in the face with a reminder of how we can't trust even
the familiar, safe, known places to be free from threat. My son is more
familiar with the library than with Grandma's house, and is completely
comfortable there. I like that comfort. I like that he has the
confidence to navigate the building on his own. And suddenly, I am
terrified that a knife-wielding pedophile is going to attack him the
second he is out of my direct line of sight.
I guess what has my mind churning right now is...how do you strike a
balance between encouraging your child's independence and recognizing
their maturity level...and just plain protecting them from the Big Bad
World? As a mother reading that news story, I feel compelled to hover.
As a mother who wants to preserve my children's confidence, I am afraid
that too much hovering will do them a disservice. I suppose it's really
a matter of striking a healthy balance. I'm not sure how or if I will
recognize that.
I do not yet fully trust either my child or the world enough to leave
him completely on his own in public situations, but I do "allow" him (by
virtue of trust and not-overly-hovering) more liberty than many of his
age-peers. I am finding it difficult to reconcile this desire to honor
his independence with my duty (and biological imperative) to protect him.
I would be very interested in hearing others' views on this.
TIA,
Heather
Sandra Dodd
-=-I do not yet fully trust either my child or the world enough to leave
him completely on his own in public situations=-
How many five year olds walk to school, or from one place to another
at school? Maybe not "on their own" completely, but without their moms.
How many of those who are sexually assaulted are 18? 21? 30?
LOTS. Tons. Age isn't magic.
-=- I was unsettled for quite a while, not sure whether I thought
the man was a grouchy old fuddy-duddy or I was an irresponsible parent.
Or neither.-=-
Did you talk to the librarian? Maybe you should. Just to express
your frustration about that day. Maybe the library has a specific
policy you violated, and maybe not. Volunteers aren't authorized to
pull policies out of their asses, though. Maybe he overstepped and
maybe he didn't. And I don't think you should mention the assault if
you talk about it; that's a separate thing.
-=-Now I am smacked in the face with a reminder of how we can't trust
even
the familiar, safe, known places to be free from threat. My son is more
familiar with the library than with Grandma's house, and is completely
comfortable there. I like that comfort.-=-
You can't child-proof the world. It's better to world-proof your
child, in small ways. We always told Holly if someone grabbed her to
scream so loud he would let her go. No molester is going to stab a
child for screaming (not if he's in a building where other people are,
anyway). He'll run like crazy if the kid's as loud as Holly was when
she was little.
Being alert and having a Plan B is about as much as anyone can do.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
him completely on his own in public situations=-
How many five year olds walk to school, or from one place to another
at school? Maybe not "on their own" completely, but without their moms.
How many of those who are sexually assaulted are 18? 21? 30?
LOTS. Tons. Age isn't magic.
-=- I was unsettled for quite a while, not sure whether I thought
the man was a grouchy old fuddy-duddy or I was an irresponsible parent.
Or neither.-=-
Did you talk to the librarian? Maybe you should. Just to express
your frustration about that day. Maybe the library has a specific
policy you violated, and maybe not. Volunteers aren't authorized to
pull policies out of their asses, though. Maybe he overstepped and
maybe he didn't. And I don't think you should mention the assault if
you talk about it; that's a separate thing.
-=-Now I am smacked in the face with a reminder of how we can't trust
even
the familiar, safe, known places to be free from threat. My son is more
familiar with the library than with Grandma's house, and is completely
comfortable there. I like that comfort.-=-
You can't child-proof the world. It's better to world-proof your
child, in small ways. We always told Holly if someone grabbed her to
scream so loud he would let her go. No molester is going to stab a
child for screaming (not if he's in a building where other people are,
anyway). He'll run like crazy if the kid's as loud as Holly was when
she was little.
Being alert and having a Plan B is about as much as anyone can do.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heather Lodge
original poster here, just with a further thought...
I realize that I have to do some "stranger danger" talks. Frankly,
I've been avoiding them because it's hard to do it without being
overly scary. I remember my parents--my dad especially--basically
drilling it into our heads that all strangers are potential attackers.
He was constantly telling me to kick, bite, and taught me (in theory!)
how to gouge out someone's eyes. I looked at *everyone* as a predator.
ALL men wanted to harm me. I grew up very anxious.
I do not want my kids to grow up in fear, or mistrusting everyone. I
think that overall most people ARE kind...or at least nonthreatening.
And it feels hypocritical to tell the kids "don't talk to strangers"
and then they see me saying hi to random people, like at the park. "Do
you know that man, Mommy?" Well, no, I'm just being friendly. I've
always been more like, "It's okay, you can say hi to the checkout
lady" and "Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet"...I want
them to believe in the goodness of humanity, not to be terrified
little xenophobes!
So I guess that's part of what's troubling me. Figuring out how to
world-proof them without going too far. Teaching them caution without
giving them fear.
I realize that I have to do some "stranger danger" talks. Frankly,
I've been avoiding them because it's hard to do it without being
overly scary. I remember my parents--my dad especially--basically
drilling it into our heads that all strangers are potential attackers.
He was constantly telling me to kick, bite, and taught me (in theory!)
how to gouge out someone's eyes. I looked at *everyone* as a predator.
ALL men wanted to harm me. I grew up very anxious.
I do not want my kids to grow up in fear, or mistrusting everyone. I
think that overall most people ARE kind...or at least nonthreatening.
And it feels hypocritical to tell the kids "don't talk to strangers"
and then they see me saying hi to random people, like at the park. "Do
you know that man, Mommy?" Well, no, I'm just being friendly. I've
always been more like, "It's okay, you can say hi to the checkout
lady" and "Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet"...I want
them to believe in the goodness of humanity, not to be terrified
little xenophobes!
So I guess that's part of what's troubling me. Figuring out how to
world-proof them without going too far. Teaching them caution without
giving them fear.
Lyla Wolfenstein
have you read "protecting the gift" by gavin debecker? that is exactly what it is about. i highly recommend it. "don't talk to strangers" is dangerous in and of itself!
warmly, Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
warmly, Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heather Lodge
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>Good perspective, by the way--thanks for that.
> How many of those who are sexually assaulted are 18? 21? 30?
> LOTS. Tons. Age isn't magic.
Heather Lodge
--- In [email protected], "Lyla Wolfenstein" <lylaw@...>
wrote:
strangers" is dangerous in and of itself!
be next on my reading list.
Heather
wrote:
>exactly what it is about. i highly recommend it. "don't talk to
> have you read "protecting the gift" by gavin debecker? that is
strangers" is dangerous in and of itself!
>No, I have not--and thank you so much for the recommendation. It will
> warmly, Lyla
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
be next on my reading list.
Heather
Robyn L. Coburn
> I guess what has my mind churning right now is...how do you strike aI have said to Jayn in asking her to change her behavior in public places,
> balance between encouraging your child's independence and recognizing
> their maturity level...and just plain protecting them from the Big Bad
> World?>>>>
that while I know that she is ok or safe or careful or whatever, that others
who see her don't know her and might be alarmed and speak to her harshly. I
guess in this case the person spoke to you harshly.
If there is someone targeting youngsters they will probably be looking for
ones that seem alone and unsupervised, and maybe seem lost or quiet. I like
Sandra's suggestion of clarifying the policies, but I wonder if there is a
way that you could "split the difference" between the distance you are
keeping now, and hovering right on top of him or not letting him explore.
Show anyone observing that you are connected and aware of him.
When Jayn was little we did tell her that there were people who sometimes
stole children, that an adult who needed help of any kind - like directions
or a lost puppy - should be asking a parent and that if anyone who invited
her to go anywhere with them, she should run and check with me or Daddy.
I have a feeling that all the staff at the library and community center will
likely be on edge for a while, especially until the predator is caught.
I would encourage you to describe the world as big and beautiful and
interesting as much as you can instead of bad and scary. There are parts of
the world where there is a culture of violence and poverty and sometime
hopelessness. I hope that few or none of us live in those parts of the
world.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com