Joanna

Hi--

I so appreciated reading Sandra's update that I thought I'd post one, since we are having a big shift around here.

I've been patiently watching my 13 1/2 yo son go through waves of interest and boredom/inactivity for a few years now. When I was concerned, a friend directed me to a talk Sandra gave about tweens. There was a suggestion that a "percolation" phase (my words, I think, maybe not hers) was normal, followed by a big change as the teen years went underway.

Well, sure enough, he's changing, and it feels kind of like a waking up. It began with a conversation, about two months ago, in the wee hours where he expressed his boredom in tears. We talked about some options and things I could do to help him find more things to do, but it became clear that the root of the "boredom" was coming from inside him. I turned the "say yes more often" phrase around to him, because he had chosen to limit his world in many ways, and now that was feeling like constriction instead of like comfy cocoon.

All of a sudden, he's bursting forth with his own energy and initiative. The things he's actively decided to pursue (and is now already pursing) in the past few days:

Learning Spanish with Rosetta Stone--We found it online with the SF public library. I signed up for a card, and then he downloaded it and started it. I wish I'd let him sign up for his own card, but I'm so used to doing stuff like that for him that it didn't occur to me until too late!

Body building and excercise--never much interest before beyond having fun, running around with friends. Now he wants to learn about proper form, and he's using his ipod to chart out walking/jogging courses. It's raining right now, so that will wait until the storms clear.

Juggling--he's been practicing so much that his arms are tired. We'll start looking for juggler videos and websites that sell cool stuff to juggle. He wants to know what the heaviest thing is that anyone has ever juggled, but we haven't looked it up yet. Bowling balls didn't seem to impress him--lol.

Who knows what will be coming soon, but the wonderful thing is that I've always had a hard time with my son finding things to do that he hooks in to. We have tons of conversation and watch shows together, etc., but they aren't "doing" things. But now he's coming up with the things that he wants to do. Or maybe he's just now interested in doing things, and will be open to suggestions. I don't know what the future will hold, but it all feels more interesting and exciting!

Through this whole tween period, I've always wondered if I was up to the unschooling challenge. If I hadn't heard that talk that Sandra did on a radio program, I would have for sure felt much more insecure. Now that he's coming out of it, it is becoming so clear that he needed his "percolating time" and that it is all o.k. It makes me wonder even more about why people buy into the school system, and how it is set up to be "consistent"--no one ever gets a break. There is no percolating time--no time to day dream for a few months or years--just work, work, work. No wonder we are losing our dreamers. They are constantly being yanked back to earth before they are ready!

Thanks for all the support on this list!! And if you have a tween that seems to be in the "doldrums," hang in there and know that things will happen in due time!

Joanna

Sandra Dodd

-=- I turned the "say yes more often" phrase around to him, because he
had chosen to limit his world in many ways, and now that was feeling
like constriction instead of like comfy cocoon. -=-

This is really interesting. It might be easier for a child whose
parent(s) consciously tried to say "yes" and open up the world to then
realize that he himself has been saying "no" to the world and himself
more than he needs to!

Very good idea, Joanna!!

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

>>>> We talked about some options and things I could do to help him find
more things to do, but it became clear that the root of the "boredom"
was coming from inside him. I turned the "say yes more often" phrase
around to him, because he had chosen to limit his world in many ways,
and now that was feeling like constriction instead of like comfy cocoon.
>>>>

That's really interesting! I've seen something similar around here. I
like the "say yes more often" approach, I'll have to use that! I can
see it happening naturally in small ways already, but my daughter had
certainly limited herseld to a very narrow world.

It is and has been very restricting. It's been this way with,
everything, food, people, clothing, music. It hasn't been all bad, in a
way, it's been totally necessary for defining who she is as a person, in
part, by defining what she is not. I can see, now how, she's really
comfortable with who she is as a person, and is somewhat directionless
within her self made parameters because they've become boring.

She's starting to consider expanding her world. It's her comfort zone,
so it's challenging, but interesting and I see it as inevitable. At
this point, I wonder which way she'll go! If she could, she'd go to
beauty school and learn to cut hair. That is what she really really
wants to do, but she's too young. Ahhh that age thing again! So, we
are working towards a driver's permit, which can happen in a couple of
months, and that's exciting!