Need help with dd10's fear of sleep/bedtime/night/something
carnationsgalore
Allie (11 next month) is going through something that has me
baffled. She is very unhappy when it's time to go to sleep. Even
when she's very sleepy, she gets tears in her eyes as she lays down.
I started sleeping with her because she said she wanted me with her
but that's only helping a little. She says she loves me being with
her but her scared feelings are still there.
We changed her twin bed to a full-sized futon sofa bed. She felt
like a proper bed was too frightening because monsters live under the
bed. Since we've been sleeping on the futon sofa, her fear has moved
from specifics, particularly monsters, to just a general fear. She
doesn't "feel" monsters anymore but she feels something that is just
plain frightening.
Has anyone else had a child who's experienced something similar? I'd
love some suggestions on what to try next. We've moved her furniture
around, added different pieces of furniture, organized more, and
changed the bed. We aren't religious though she and I have been
talking a little about energy. I'm worried there's simply too much
stuff in her room and that the cluttered feel is making for a
cluttered energy.
Thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Beth M.
baffled. She is very unhappy when it's time to go to sleep. Even
when she's very sleepy, she gets tears in her eyes as she lays down.
I started sleeping with her because she said she wanted me with her
but that's only helping a little. She says she loves me being with
her but her scared feelings are still there.
We changed her twin bed to a full-sized futon sofa bed. She felt
like a proper bed was too frightening because monsters live under the
bed. Since we've been sleeping on the futon sofa, her fear has moved
from specifics, particularly monsters, to just a general fear. She
doesn't "feel" monsters anymore but she feels something that is just
plain frightening.
Has anyone else had a child who's experienced something similar? I'd
love some suggestions on what to try next. We've moved her furniture
around, added different pieces of furniture, organized more, and
changed the bed. We aren't religious though she and I have been
talking a little about energy. I'm worried there's simply too much
stuff in her room and that the cluttered feel is making for a
cluttered energy.
Thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Beth M.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Has anyone else had a child who's experienced something similar?-=-
Holly was somewhat that way. She just did not want to risk going to
sleep, even if everyone else in the house was asleep. When she could
read (the year after that) it helped. Before she was reading, she
would play with a little handheld electronic spell checker that had
some word games on it, or with a Gameboy.
Marty used to sleep with the TV on when he was that age. Kirby still
does, sometimes. Would that help her? Or maybe a CD player or iPod
on repeat, with only peaceful and non-scary, non-loud music on it?
I think that's about the age lots of kids start thinking about death
and the impermanence and fragility of life, and start to comprehend
that the world is really big and there are LOTS of people. I remember
that thought creeping me out, when I realized my town was just a very
small part of New Mexico, which was a state without many people, and
there were thousands of miles of millions of people in every direction
from me. I was spooked for quite a while. I think I was 12 or so.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Holly was somewhat that way. She just did not want to risk going to
sleep, even if everyone else in the house was asleep. When she could
read (the year after that) it helped. Before she was reading, she
would play with a little handheld electronic spell checker that had
some word games on it, or with a Gameboy.
Marty used to sleep with the TV on when he was that age. Kirby still
does, sometimes. Would that help her? Or maybe a CD player or iPod
on repeat, with only peaceful and non-scary, non-loud music on it?
I think that's about the age lots of kids start thinking about death
and the impermanence and fragility of life, and start to comprehend
that the world is really big and there are LOTS of people. I remember
that thought creeping me out, when I realized my town was just a very
small part of New Mexico, which was a state without many people, and
there were thousands of miles of millions of people in every direction
from me. I was spooked for quite a while. I think I was 12 or so.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
> Allie (11 next month) is going through something that has meThat's about the age that Chamille was when she started sleeping in our
> baffled. She is very unhappy when it's time to go to sleep. Even
> when she's very sleepy, she gets tears in her eyes as she lays down.
> I started sleeping with her because she said she wanted me with her
> but that's only helping a little. She says she loves me being with
> her but her scared feelings are still there.
room again! She made a little nest at the end of our bed or on her
sister's bed. That lasted on and off for the next 2 yrs.
One thing that helped my daughter was having a dog to take to her room
and sleep with. She still doesn't like to sleep alone and having our
dog has been extremely important to her for being able to sleep in her
own room, which is what she really wants.
My kids like dream catchers too. The symbolic item hung near their bed
that catches those dreams instead of letting them float around. They
knew it didn't really catch dreams, but when you have fear of unknown
and vague things, sometimes you can talk yourself out of it and it
helped having a way to visualize the fear going somewhere.
tipiredhawk
There are a number of web sites that deal specifically with this- put
in night time fears and children into your browser. Here's one:
www.sleepfoundation.org/site/c.huIXKjM0IxF/b.../Ask_the_Sleep_Expert_Children_and_Bedtime_Fears_and_Nightmares.ht.
Marhdi
--- In [email protected], "carnationsgalore"
<addled.homemaker@...> wrote:
in night time fears and children into your browser. Here's one:
www.sleepfoundation.org/site/c.huIXKjM0IxF/b.../Ask_the_Sleep_Expert_Children_and_Bedtime_Fears_and_Nightmares.ht.
Marhdi
--- In [email protected], "carnationsgalore"
<addled.homemaker@...> wrote:
>
> Allie (11 next month) is going through something that has me
> baffled. She is very unhappy when it's time to go to sleep. Even
> when she's very sleepy, she gets tears in her eyes as she lays down.
> I started sleeping with her because she said she wanted me with her
> but that's only helping a little. She says she loves me being with
> her but her scared feelings are still there.
>
> We changed her twin bed to a full-sized futon sofa bed. She felt
> like a proper bed was too frightening because monsters live under the
> bed. Since we've been sleeping on the futon sofa, her fear has moved
> from specifics, particularly monsters, to just a general fear. She
> doesn't "feel" monsters anymore but she feels something that is just
> plain frightening.
>
> Has anyone else had a child who's experienced something similar? I'd
> love some suggestions on what to try next. We've moved her furniture
> around, added different pieces of furniture, organized more, and
> changed the bed. We aren't religious though she and I have been
> talking a little about energy. I'm worried there's simply too much
> stuff in her room and that the cluttered feel is making for a
> cluttered energy.
>
> Thoughts and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
>
> Beth M.
>
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<<>> I started sleeping with her because she said she wanted me with her
Is she going to bed before she is ready to sleep?
What about just gently falling asleep on the sofa in the living room with
you, while you are watching tv or engaging in your quiet evening activities?
Would a tv in her room help?
Is having/expressing fear the best way she has found to secure your
uninterrupted focussed attention?
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
>> but that's only helping a little. She says she loves me being withWhat about your bed - a family bed? What about an extra bed in your room?
>> her but her scared feelings are still there.
>>
>> We changed her twin bed to a full-sized futon sofa bed. >>>>
Is she going to bed before she is ready to sleep?
What about just gently falling asleep on the sofa in the living room with
you, while you are watching tv or engaging in your quiet evening activities?
Would a tv in her room help?
Is having/expressing fear the best way she has found to secure your
uninterrupted focussed attention?
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
mauratracy
Beth, I won't make any suggestions because I'm new to the list, but just wanted to say
that, in my experience, this may be a "normal" developmental stage. My son, same age,
has gone through this off and on in the last few months. So did one of his friends at this
age, and a friend of mine said her two kids went through this at this age. I'm wondering if
it has something to do with when kids begin having a greater ability for abstract thinking.
The thing that disturbs my son at night is thinking about spiritual/existential things, and
death and afterlife kinds of things. He gets very anxious. Bedtime is almost one of the
only times in his day when there's the kind of quiet and inactivity that allows his mind to
just wander and think. Sometimes listening to stories on tape helps, and sometimes it's
not enough to distract his mind. Sometimes we just let him fall asleep in our bed, and
then move him later, because there's not enough room in our bed for everyone to get a
good night's sleep. What works best for him is if we just read to him until he falls asleep.
I hope you'll get some good ideas here, but I also bet it'll just be a passing thing, so you
don't maybe need to "solve" a problem, rather, just help your child through it.
Maura
--- In [email protected], "carnationsgalore" <addled.homemaker@...>
wrote:
that, in my experience, this may be a "normal" developmental stage. My son, same age,
has gone through this off and on in the last few months. So did one of his friends at this
age, and a friend of mine said her two kids went through this at this age. I'm wondering if
it has something to do with when kids begin having a greater ability for abstract thinking.
The thing that disturbs my son at night is thinking about spiritual/existential things, and
death and afterlife kinds of things. He gets very anxious. Bedtime is almost one of the
only times in his day when there's the kind of quiet and inactivity that allows his mind to
just wander and think. Sometimes listening to stories on tape helps, and sometimes it's
not enough to distract his mind. Sometimes we just let him fall asleep in our bed, and
then move him later, because there's not enough room in our bed for everyone to get a
good night's sleep. What works best for him is if we just read to him until he falls asleep.
I hope you'll get some good ideas here, but I also bet it'll just be a passing thing, so you
don't maybe need to "solve" a problem, rather, just help your child through it.
Maura
--- In [email protected], "carnationsgalore" <addled.homemaker@...>
wrote:
>
> Allie (11 next month) is going through something that has me
> baffled. She is very unhappy when it's time to go to sleep. Even
> when she's very sleepy, she gets tears in her eyes as she lays down.
> I started sleeping with her because she said she wanted me with her
> but that's only helping a little. She says she loves me being with
> her but her scared feelings are still there.
>
smaitlandparks
My younger son kept on asking for me to stay the whole night with him. So I set up a
camp bed and spent the whole night in the same room as him. I would turn the light low
and chat with him about his favourite topics until he made no reply and was asleep! Our
cat slept in the same room too, but he wanted me specifically. He wouldn't sleep in his
bedroom. One of the things which bothered him was being ill in the night and also he
eventually mentioned a horror film he said he had seen at a friend's house. Since then
though he has denied he was ever scared by a film.
He needed this for nearly a year. During that time he became more upset about things. It
turned out he wanted to be at another school or home educated. I couldn't handle the idea
of home ed, but tried to find another school for him. Eventually I started to home ed him.
Lots of emotions came out following deregistration. After some months he no longer
needed me there all night, but just until he fell asleep....lots of late nights for me. I
redecorated his room and made it more grownup with new furniture. A calm environment.
He gradually spent time in there during the day, until be felt safe about being there at
night too.
Then he progressed to falling asleep by himself while watching youtube on my laptop.
Very autonomous, but he was happier. He still likes the light on and my laptop/tv on
silently. I get enough sleep again and he likes his own room.
My story covers ds2 from age 9.5 to 11yrs.
Sarah
camp bed and spent the whole night in the same room as him. I would turn the light low
and chat with him about his favourite topics until he made no reply and was asleep! Our
cat slept in the same room too, but he wanted me specifically. He wouldn't sleep in his
bedroom. One of the things which bothered him was being ill in the night and also he
eventually mentioned a horror film he said he had seen at a friend's house. Since then
though he has denied he was ever scared by a film.
He needed this for nearly a year. During that time he became more upset about things. It
turned out he wanted to be at another school or home educated. I couldn't handle the idea
of home ed, but tried to find another school for him. Eventually I started to home ed him.
Lots of emotions came out following deregistration. After some months he no longer
needed me there all night, but just until he fell asleep....lots of late nights for me. I
redecorated his room and made it more grownup with new furniture. A calm environment.
He gradually spent time in there during the day, until be felt safe about being there at
night too.
Then he progressed to falling asleep by himself while watching youtube on my laptop.
Very autonomous, but he was happier. He still likes the light on and my laptop/tv on
silently. I get enough sleep again and he likes his own room.
My story covers ds2 from age 9.5 to 11yrs.
Sarah
carnationsgalore
Thank you! Your responses have been most helpful. I didn't realize
that this may be a sign of her growing. She and I have been talking
about changes in her body and mind and last night she told me they were
actually stressing her out. I thought the sleep thing was isolated but
now I think it's all one big thing.
It's so easy to see her as being older and more mature because of how
she interacts with us and others. But she's still a little girl and I
need to not lose sight of that. :)
Beth M.
that this may be a sign of her growing. She and I have been talking
about changes in her body and mind and last night she told me they were
actually stressing her out. I thought the sleep thing was isolated but
now I think it's all one big thing.
It's so easy to see her as being older and more mature because of how
she interacts with us and others. But she's still a little girl and I
need to not lose sight of that. :)
Beth M.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Thank you! Your responses have been most helpful. I didn't realize
that this may be a sign of her growing.-=-
I think it's a bigger version (more philosophical and far-reaching)
than what happens with lots of kids and slides.
Many children will go down playground slides or backyard slides fine
and bravely, and then at some point they realize what's really going
on and that they could get hurt, and so for a while they're afraid.
It's not because they were traumatized, it's because they're getting
smarter.
There's a phase in learning to talk in which a child who was using
words wonderfully starts "using them wrong." A child who used to say
"went" will say "goed," or say "womans" instead of "women." Some
parents get angry and consider it a regression or "attention-getting,"
but what's happening is the child has figured out there are patterns
in language, and they're trying to use "the rules" for plurals and
verb tenses. Only thing is they apply them to the really ancient
words which have older forms and don't follow "the rules." That's
when a child is really learning language.
So I figure a child who is becoming afraid of sleep and death is
developing awareness of what "awareness" means--conscious of
consciousness. That's pretty cool.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that this may be a sign of her growing.-=-
I think it's a bigger version (more philosophical and far-reaching)
than what happens with lots of kids and slides.
Many children will go down playground slides or backyard slides fine
and bravely, and then at some point they realize what's really going
on and that they could get hurt, and so for a while they're afraid.
It's not because they were traumatized, it's because they're getting
smarter.
There's a phase in learning to talk in which a child who was using
words wonderfully starts "using them wrong." A child who used to say
"went" will say "goed," or say "womans" instead of "women." Some
parents get angry and consider it a regression or "attention-getting,"
but what's happening is the child has figured out there are patterns
in language, and they're trying to use "the rules" for plurals and
verb tenses. Only thing is they apply them to the really ancient
words which have older forms and don't follow "the rules." That's
when a child is really learning language.
So I figure a child who is becoming afraid of sleep and death is
developing awareness of what "awareness" means--conscious of
consciousness. That's pretty cool.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lauren Seaver
>>>I think that's about the age lots of kids start thinking about deathand the impermanence and fragility of life, and start to comprehend
that the world is really big and there are LOTS of people.<<<
I remember being 10 and staying at a friend's house (where I'd slept multiple times before) when my mind started wandering to many fearful thoughts of death. I luckily felt comfortable enough to tell my friend who woke her mom and called my parents to pick me up. I didn't sleep at a friend's house for a few years after this.
I thought about things like this a lot while going to sleep at that age, and it was quite scary. I don't know what helped me get through it/over it. (My 30 yo dh still has thoughts like this late at night that sometimes lead to anxiety attacks, so he prefers to fall asleep with the tv on. It's a strategy that helps him avoid these feelings...) I agree with other posters' recommendations to try and do things like read/watch tv at night that are sleep inducing but can help keep your mind off of scary thoughts. Also, having my parents available and welcoming if/when I wanted to sleep with them was helpful (which it sounds like your dd has!)
So, no real advice, but just wanted to share my experience. *I* got through it, and don't really remember when/how (I was probably back to sleepovers by 13). I was glad to have my parents' support throughout the process though! Good luck!
Lauren :)