A family from another state visits
halfshadow1
I had my brother/his wife and ten year old daughter visit today. Have
you every been so exhausted from stress from family that you almost
feel sick? I could slice the judgment of my son from my SIL with an
axe! Every single thing my son said she took literally(sp). She
constantly corrected his speech. One time he was joking about doing
something funny to his friend and i joked with him,saying Yeah,we'll
lock him up and put banana's on him...or something like that,ya
know..just kidding around and she looked like....really?
My son asked for spanish rice which i gave him and SIL asked"is that
good for you?" omg..i am so tired. It is just the feeling of being
judged hard for over an hour. Oh..yeah..my son said: Damn it a few
times and she flinched. I hardly was talked too at all. It was like a
Lets go see if Lukas is normal visit. I am sure that some of have had
these kind of visits,I haven't seen them in years so i felt like i had
to do it.
I am from New york. Same place they come from. I have been here since
1990 and i have my accent(proudly) I don't however pronounce words
that begin with TH right. I say Dis, Dat,Dere instead of
This,That,There. I am aware that Lukas also pronounces that way too
and have been speaking to him *right* But boy,did she make those TH
sounds loud and clear when she talked to him!
of course there were the can you spell this and that questions. It
wasn't like a visit,it was like an evaluation of my son's skills and
knowledge. I can be thankful no homeschooling questions/comments came
up but i know she talking an ear full to my brother when they left. I
needed to talk about it here.Maybe i should have quizzed her daughter
whenever she talked! How do you make yourself feel better after a
visit like this?
you every been so exhausted from stress from family that you almost
feel sick? I could slice the judgment of my son from my SIL with an
axe! Every single thing my son said she took literally(sp). She
constantly corrected his speech. One time he was joking about doing
something funny to his friend and i joked with him,saying Yeah,we'll
lock him up and put banana's on him...or something like that,ya
know..just kidding around and she looked like....really?
My son asked for spanish rice which i gave him and SIL asked"is that
good for you?" omg..i am so tired. It is just the feeling of being
judged hard for over an hour. Oh..yeah..my son said: Damn it a few
times and she flinched. I hardly was talked too at all. It was like a
Lets go see if Lukas is normal visit. I am sure that some of have had
these kind of visits,I haven't seen them in years so i felt like i had
to do it.
I am from New york. Same place they come from. I have been here since
1990 and i have my accent(proudly) I don't however pronounce words
that begin with TH right. I say Dis, Dat,Dere instead of
This,That,There. I am aware that Lukas also pronounces that way too
and have been speaking to him *right* But boy,did she make those TH
sounds loud and clear when she talked to him!
of course there were the can you spell this and that questions. It
wasn't like a visit,it was like an evaluation of my son's skills and
knowledge. I can be thankful no homeschooling questions/comments came
up but i know she talking an ear full to my brother when they left. I
needed to talk about it here.Maybe i should have quizzed her daughter
whenever she talked! How do you make yourself feel better after a
visit like this?
Sandra Dodd
-=-I had my brother/his wife and ten year old daughter visit today.-=-
-=- It is just the feeling of being judgedhard for over an hour. -=-
Were they only there for a little over an hour, or was there just one
bad hour in there?
-=-But boy,did she make those TH
sounds loud and clear when she talked to him!
of course there were the can you spell this and that questions.-=-
The first one you couldn't have helped. The second one, I guess you
figured she would stop, but the third and fourth? At least you
should've talked to your brother and asked him to get her to stop
playing teacher or whatever she thought she was doing (if you were
afraid to talk to her directly).
I think I would've called my child away, out of the room a bit, and
asked if it was bothering him, and maybe make a joke or two about the
other person (who would've been my brother in law Gerry, and still
sometimes is, but my kids started zinging the heck out of him in the
past few years, so he's more cautious), and then just laugh and smile
at each other if she did it any more. Maybe she would pick up on the
fact that you were both aware of and amused by her odd behavior.
-=-i know she talking an ear full to my brother when they left. I
needed to talk about it here.-=-
Can you have them over even less for a few years? Could you meet on
neutral, interesting territory? Children's museum or a restaurant
maybe, instead of your house? That always made a big difference for us.
-=-Maybe i should have quizzed her daughter whenever she talked! -=-
Probably not. If you thought it was wrong and mean, less of it is
better than more. And less of it might be accomplished by you asking
your brother to make it stop, or by not having them over.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=- It is just the feeling of being judgedhard for over an hour. -=-
Were they only there for a little over an hour, or was there just one
bad hour in there?
-=-But boy,did she make those TH
sounds loud and clear when she talked to him!
of course there were the can you spell this and that questions.-=-
The first one you couldn't have helped. The second one, I guess you
figured she would stop, but the third and fourth? At least you
should've talked to your brother and asked him to get her to stop
playing teacher or whatever she thought she was doing (if you were
afraid to talk to her directly).
I think I would've called my child away, out of the room a bit, and
asked if it was bothering him, and maybe make a joke or two about the
other person (who would've been my brother in law Gerry, and still
sometimes is, but my kids started zinging the heck out of him in the
past few years, so he's more cautious), and then just laugh and smile
at each other if she did it any more. Maybe she would pick up on the
fact that you were both aware of and amused by her odd behavior.
-=-i know she talking an ear full to my brother when they left. I
needed to talk about it here.-=-
Can you have them over even less for a few years? Could you meet on
neutral, interesting territory? Children's museum or a restaurant
maybe, instead of your house? That always made a big difference for us.
-=-Maybe i should have quizzed her daughter whenever she talked! -=-
Probably not. If you thought it was wrong and mean, less of it is
better than more. And less of it might be accomplished by you asking
your brother to make it stop, or by not having them over.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-You could always explain
to him that his aunt can't spell very well so she needed his help. -=-
That wouldn't be an explanation, though. It would be adding to the
ricocheting negativity.
-=-My kids complain that he isn't always fun to be around because of
it. I have told them that they can tell him,...-=-
You could tell him. If they complained to you that an adult was
touching them inappropriately or that someone was threatening to hit
them, you would say something yourself, probably, or keep them away.
For some reason in this culture, math quizzes and spelling bees are
not seen as abusive. But in the context of a parent operating
without the school system and its grade levels and quizzes, for
people to try to pull them back onto that assembly line could be
harmful and disruptive to unschooling. If the kids really don't
mind, that's one thing. If they're complaining that someone isn't
fun to be around, I think the parent should hear that complaint and
consider acting directly by asking the adult to just make sandcastles
without a math lesson.
-=-Some people may think you are making the wrong decisions about
raising your children and you just need to do what you know is right.-=-
When someone asks for help on this list, though, they want ideas. If
they knew what was right and could just do it, we'd have no reason
for discussion.
The underlying questions involve boundaries. Partly it depends on
whose house a family is in. What is fine at the in-laws' house
shouldn't be the same thing that's fine in one's own unschooling
home, but that's difficult for some people to understand. There are
territorial issues. If I go to another house and they're spanking
their kids or putting them in time out, my choices are to stay and
suck up my aversion, or find a polite-ish way to leave. There are
other choices, but they'd be really rude and wrong.
If another family is visiting in MY home, on the other hand and they
want to spank or put their kids in time out in MY house, then I have
WAY more options.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to him that his aunt can't spell very well so she needed his help. -=-
That wouldn't be an explanation, though. It would be adding to the
ricocheting negativity.
-=-My kids complain that he isn't always fun to be around because of
it. I have told them that they can tell him,...-=-
You could tell him. If they complained to you that an adult was
touching them inappropriately or that someone was threatening to hit
them, you would say something yourself, probably, or keep them away.
For some reason in this culture, math quizzes and spelling bees are
not seen as abusive. But in the context of a parent operating
without the school system and its grade levels and quizzes, for
people to try to pull them back onto that assembly line could be
harmful and disruptive to unschooling. If the kids really don't
mind, that's one thing. If they're complaining that someone isn't
fun to be around, I think the parent should hear that complaint and
consider acting directly by asking the adult to just make sandcastles
without a math lesson.
-=-Some people may think you are making the wrong decisions about
raising your children and you just need to do what you know is right.-=-
When someone asks for help on this list, though, they want ideas. If
they knew what was right and could just do it, we'd have no reason
for discussion.
The underlying questions involve boundaries. Partly it depends on
whose house a family is in. What is fine at the in-laws' house
shouldn't be the same thing that's fine in one's own unschooling
home, but that's difficult for some people to understand. There are
territorial issues. If I go to another house and they're spanking
their kids or putting them in time out, my choices are to stay and
suck up my aversion, or find a polite-ish way to leave. There are
other choices, but they'd be really rude and wrong.
If another family is visiting in MY home, on the other hand and they
want to spank or put their kids in time out in MY house, then I have
WAY more options.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<< of course there were the can you spell this and that questions. It
performing monkey." Usually this is because someone will quiz her and she
will look at them with a "you're weird" expression as if she was thinking
"don't *you* know?"
Whatever the words, I think it is really worth it to say something along the
lines of "Please don't quiz him" especially if he is not having a good time.
A little sternness can go a long way.
I also like the idea of defusing the seriousness of it with secret family in
jokes as Sandra suggested.
As for feeling better, aside from writing here and getting fantastic
responses :) one way is to reconnect with your child doing something cool,
to remind yourself that he really is OK. And also let go of needing the
approval or validation of your SIL.
If your relatives are no fun, then don't hang out with them.
I want to ask whether your son enjoys spending time with his cousin.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
> wasn't like a visit,it was like an evaluation of my son's skills andI have said in the past, and it may not be totally polite, "Jayn's not a
> knowledge. I can be thankful no homeschooling questions/comments came
> up but i know she talking an ear full to my brother when they left. I
> needed to talk about it here.Maybe i should have quizzed her daughter
> whenever she talked! How do you make yourself feel better after a
> visit like this? >>>>
performing monkey." Usually this is because someone will quiz her and she
will look at them with a "you're weird" expression as if she was thinking
"don't *you* know?"
Whatever the words, I think it is really worth it to say something along the
lines of "Please don't quiz him" especially if he is not having a good time.
A little sternness can go a long way.
I also like the idea of defusing the seriousness of it with secret family in
jokes as Sandra suggested.
As for feeling better, aside from writing here and getting fantastic
responses :) one way is to reconnect with your child doing something cool,
to remind yourself that he really is OK. And also let go of needing the
approval or validation of your SIL.
If your relatives are no fun, then don't hang out with them.
I want to ask whether your son enjoys spending time with his cousin.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
Sandra Dodd
-=-one way is to reconnect with your child doing something cool,
to remind yourself that he really is OK. And also let go of needing the
approval or validation of your SIL.-=-
Something else that's worked in good ways here is to play a game your
child knows well and can teach and be the rules expert in, which the
relatives will only be learning. It will help an hour pass, they'll
be impressed with your child, and they will be at a slight
disadvantage, at least for a while.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to remind yourself that he really is OK. And also let go of needing the
approval or validation of your SIL.-=-
Something else that's worked in good ways here is to play a game your
child knows well and can teach and be the rules expert in, which the
relatives will only be learning. It will help an hour pass, they'll
be impressed with your child, and they will be at a slight
disadvantage, at least for a while.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Angela Shaw
<Something else that's worked in good ways here is to play a game your
child knows well >
One thing that I think that helped my mother relax about my kids is because
we always play games together (mostly cards, but sometimes scrabble or
Beyond Balderdash, or dice, etc) she gets to see how they think. They are
quick at learning new games and they are good at playing difficult card
games that can even be hard for some adults.
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
child knows well >
One thing that I think that helped my mother relax about my kids is because
we always play games together (mostly cards, but sometimes scrabble or
Beyond Balderdash, or dice, etc) she gets to see how they think. They are
quick at learning new games and they are good at playing difficult card
games that can even be hard for some adults.
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
From another thread, Angela wrote this:
-=-One thing that I think that helped my mother relax about my kids
is because
we always play games together (mostly cards, but sometimes scrabble or
Beyond Balderdash, or dice, etc) she gets to see how they think. They
are
quick at learning new games and they are good at playing difficult card
games that can even be hard for some adults.-=-
Holly and Marty played a game with younger kids some and adults some
when we went to Thanksgiving with friends. I think Pam Sorooshian
has one too. I ordered mine after seeing it at the HENA conference
in Tempe last spring, and we've played with it LOTS.
It doesn't require reading, and the "game board" is a bunch of little
plastic dogs, very soft and nice (too small for babies to play with,
probably) and some cards and easy rules. I was thinking of ordering
another set for a gift this Christmas.
They have it in a package deal with three other smaller games. I
might do that and then give away the Walk the Dogs game...
https://simplyfun.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=240
If there's someone on this list who sells Simply Fun stuff, I'm
willing to order it that way instead of online. (I sold Discovery
Toys long ago, when Marty was little, and we still have most of the
things we got through that, because the stuff is really good. This
company seems similar, but more toward games.)
Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-One thing that I think that helped my mother relax about my kids
is because
we always play games together (mostly cards, but sometimes scrabble or
Beyond Balderdash, or dice, etc) she gets to see how they think. They
are
quick at learning new games and they are good at playing difficult card
games that can even be hard for some adults.-=-
Holly and Marty played a game with younger kids some and adults some
when we went to Thanksgiving with friends. I think Pam Sorooshian
has one too. I ordered mine after seeing it at the HENA conference
in Tempe last spring, and we've played with it LOTS.
It doesn't require reading, and the "game board" is a bunch of little
plastic dogs, very soft and nice (too small for babies to play with,
probably) and some cards and easy rules. I was thinking of ordering
another set for a gift this Christmas.
They have it in a package deal with three other smaller games. I
might do that and then give away the Walk the Dogs game...
https://simplyfun.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=240
If there's someone on this list who sells Simply Fun stuff, I'm
willing to order it that way instead of online. (I sold Discovery
Toys long ago, when Marty was little, and we still have most of the
things we got through that, because the stuff is really good. This
company seems similar, but more toward games.)
Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meghan Anderson-Coates
<<<<<<Something else that's worked in good ways here is to play a game your
child knows well and can teach and be the rules expert in, which the
relatives will only be learning. It will help an hour pass, they'll
be impressed with your child, and they will be at a slight
disadvantage, at least for a while.
Sandra>>>>>>>>>
Tamzin did this with her English grandparents.
About a year and a half ago, she came back and told me she was irritated with all the quizzing and questions from them (they are both retired teachers, btw). We brainstormed about different approaches to take with them the next time she was there (she was 13 at the time and she goes by herself to visit them when she's over visiting her dad). I suggested teaching them something that she felt comfortable with, but that they might have limited or no knowledge of. I believe I got the idea from Sandra originally. She came up with the idea to teach them about photo editing on the computer (photoshop and using photobucket). They had a great time doing it and they were very impressed with her computer literacy and knowledge. Now when she goes to see them, she updates their 'lessons' with anything new she's learned or she teaches them something else she's interested in. The quizzing has stopped and they have a new respect for her. I think they've finally
realized that she's an intelligent and engaged young woman!
Meghan
Childhood is not preparation for adulthood - it is a part of life.
~ A. S. Neill
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
child knows well and can teach and be the rules expert in, which the
relatives will only be learning. It will help an hour pass, they'll
be impressed with your child, and they will be at a slight
disadvantage, at least for a while.
Sandra>>>>>>>>>
Tamzin did this with her English grandparents.
About a year and a half ago, she came back and told me she was irritated with all the quizzing and questions from them (they are both retired teachers, btw). We brainstormed about different approaches to take with them the next time she was there (she was 13 at the time and she goes by herself to visit them when she's over visiting her dad). I suggested teaching them something that she felt comfortable with, but that they might have limited or no knowledge of. I believe I got the idea from Sandra originally. She came up with the idea to teach them about photo editing on the computer (photoshop and using photobucket). They had a great time doing it and they were very impressed with her computer literacy and knowledge. Now when she goes to see them, she updates their 'lessons' with anything new she's learned or she teaches them something else she's interested in. The quizzing has stopped and they have a new respect for her. I think they've finally
realized that she's an intelligent and engaged young woman!
Meghan
Childhood is not preparation for adulthood - it is a part of life.
~ A. S. Neill
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
halfshadow1
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
more then 2 or 3 visitors. I had it out with her not long ago..on
email. I REALLY stood up for us against her homeschooling comments
and stuff.So..she has a short memory and acts the same way? But when
they are here in person i am afraid to "hurt" their feelings. What's
the worst that happens,they get up and leave? I am beating myself up
because i am a wimp.
>My dad came with them which made it worse because my house can't hold
> -=-I had my brother/his wife and ten year old daughter visit today.-=-
> -=- It is just the feeling of being judgedhard for over an hour. -=-
>
> Were they only there for a little over an hour, or was there just one
> bad hour in there?
>
> They got here at 1:30pm and left at 4pm.
more then 2 or 3 visitors. I had it out with her not long ago..on
email. I REALLY stood up for us against her homeschooling comments
and stuff.So..she has a short memory and acts the same way? But when
they are here in person i am afraid to "hurt" their feelings. What's
the worst that happens,they get up and leave? I am beating myself up
because i am a wimp.
>I will write more later. I have Lukas' friend here and we are goingin the yard.
ianyna
Your concluding question was "How do you make yourself feel better
after a visit like this?"
You should thank yourself for being wise enough to not employee such
"limited-learning" tactics as those which were exhibited by your SIL.
Perhaps you could offer a blessing or prayer or positive thought (in
your heart and mind)-- that the hearts and minds of your relatives may
become more supple and self-assured, as to be capable of accepting and
trusting of paths chosen which differ from theirs.
Since many of the responses to your post were along the lines of what
could be done differently on your part -- in this scenario of the
past, or future similar situations -- I'll add my two cents there as well.
Communicate with your brother, and/or SIL, truthfully. The worst that
can happen is not sharing uncomfortable dinners. Express your respect
for his choice (traditional school) to educate and raise his child the
way he does, even though you do not personally think it is "the best"
option. Explain that you expect the same respect for yourself and your
child, though he may not think your choice (homeschool) is "the best"
option. Mention that you do not force your "homeschooling" methods on
to his child (though such a concept is of course ridiculous), and you
would prefer he not force his "schooling" methods (quiz-led
conversation) on to your child.
I have to admit that I have responded in a wide range of ways to
people quizzing my son. But I think that it is important also to
remember that many adults do not have very good communication skills,
especially when it comes to communication with children. Most people
ask kids what they are learning in school, and quiz them based on
facts that they (the adult) know. We have to remember that it can be
difficult for adults to learn new ways of interacting, which in turn
causes the adult to feel uncomfortable. And we should feel comfortable
educating adults --gently-- on our preference for real conversation,
not q&a's. I find that it is helpful to assume that people are unsure
of how the act/react towards my son. Even if, in truth, they are being
close-minded and judgmental it helps me to not respond defensively,
nor judgmentally. As long as my son isn't uncomfortable, there isn't a
real problem. Usually, the other adult is AS uncomfortable, or MORE
uncomfortable, then I am. My son is usually fine. I admit to steering
the conversation at times, though I'm getting better about not doing
that as much now. For instance, when my mother (who is in favor of
homeschooling, actually) starts asking him questions "quizzing" (she
is a school teacher, so she gets in that mindset) on multiplication
(not his strong point) I toss in a comment about something fun he
learned recently. "Ask Grandma about positive and negative integers."
Still math, but something that he enjoys. Plus, then he can show her
what he knows by asking her questions, and/or giving her math problems
to solve. I have to hold my tongue alot, because although I don't
really like the rapid-fire questioning approach, my son seems to like
the challenge, even when he doesn't know the answer. He doesn't mind
learning from people, and he doesn't mind saying he doesn't know.
As long as you are confident about what you are doing, other people
eventually will be, too. Granted, with some people it might take a
full 20 years before they realize that what you were doing with you
child turned out just fine.
Best wishes.
Nyna
--- In [email protected], "halfshadow1" <halfshadow1@...>
wrote:
after a visit like this?"
You should thank yourself for being wise enough to not employee such
"limited-learning" tactics as those which were exhibited by your SIL.
Perhaps you could offer a blessing or prayer or positive thought (in
your heart and mind)-- that the hearts and minds of your relatives may
become more supple and self-assured, as to be capable of accepting and
trusting of paths chosen which differ from theirs.
Since many of the responses to your post were along the lines of what
could be done differently on your part -- in this scenario of the
past, or future similar situations -- I'll add my two cents there as well.
Communicate with your brother, and/or SIL, truthfully. The worst that
can happen is not sharing uncomfortable dinners. Express your respect
for his choice (traditional school) to educate and raise his child the
way he does, even though you do not personally think it is "the best"
option. Explain that you expect the same respect for yourself and your
child, though he may not think your choice (homeschool) is "the best"
option. Mention that you do not force your "homeschooling" methods on
to his child (though such a concept is of course ridiculous), and you
would prefer he not force his "schooling" methods (quiz-led
conversation) on to your child.
I have to admit that I have responded in a wide range of ways to
people quizzing my son. But I think that it is important also to
remember that many adults do not have very good communication skills,
especially when it comes to communication with children. Most people
ask kids what they are learning in school, and quiz them based on
facts that they (the adult) know. We have to remember that it can be
difficult for adults to learn new ways of interacting, which in turn
causes the adult to feel uncomfortable. And we should feel comfortable
educating adults --gently-- on our preference for real conversation,
not q&a's. I find that it is helpful to assume that people are unsure
of how the act/react towards my son. Even if, in truth, they are being
close-minded and judgmental it helps me to not respond defensively,
nor judgmentally. As long as my son isn't uncomfortable, there isn't a
real problem. Usually, the other adult is AS uncomfortable, or MORE
uncomfortable, then I am. My son is usually fine. I admit to steering
the conversation at times, though I'm getting better about not doing
that as much now. For instance, when my mother (who is in favor of
homeschooling, actually) starts asking him questions "quizzing" (she
is a school teacher, so she gets in that mindset) on multiplication
(not his strong point) I toss in a comment about something fun he
learned recently. "Ask Grandma about positive and negative integers."
Still math, but something that he enjoys. Plus, then he can show her
what he knows by asking her questions, and/or giving her math problems
to solve. I have to hold my tongue alot, because although I don't
really like the rapid-fire questioning approach, my son seems to like
the challenge, even when he doesn't know the answer. He doesn't mind
learning from people, and he doesn't mind saying he doesn't know.
As long as you are confident about what you are doing, other people
eventually will be, too. Granted, with some people it might take a
full 20 years before they realize that what you were doing with you
child turned out just fine.
Best wishes.
Nyna
--- In [email protected], "halfshadow1" <halfshadow1@...>
wrote:
>
> I had my brother/his wife and ten year old daughter visit today. Have
> you every been so exhausted from stress from family that you almost
> feel sick? I could slice the judgment of my son from my SIL with an
> axe! Every single thing my son said she took literally(sp). She
> constantly corrected his speech. One time he was joking about doing
> something funny to his friend and i joked with him,saying Yeah,we'll
> lock him up and put banana's on him...or something like that,ya
> know..just kidding around and she looked like....really?
> My son asked for spanish rice which i gave him and SIL asked"is that
> good for you?" omg..i am so tired. It is just the feeling of being
> judged hard for over an hour. Oh..yeah..my son said: Damn it a few
> times and she flinched. I hardly was talked too at all. It was like a
> Lets go see if Lukas is normal visit. I am sure that some of have had
> these kind of visits,I haven't seen them in years so i felt like i had
> to do it.
> I am from New york. Same place they come from. I have been here since
> 1990 and i have my accent(proudly) I don't however pronounce words
> that begin with TH right. I say Dis, Dat,Dere instead of
> This,That,There. I am aware that Lukas also pronounces that way too
> and have been speaking to him *right* But boy,did she make those TH
> sounds loud and clear when she talked to him!
> of course there were the can you spell this and that questions. It
> wasn't like a visit,it was like an evaluation of my son's skills and
> knowledge. I can be thankful no homeschooling questions/comments came
> up but i know she talking an ear full to my brother when they left. I
> needed to talk about it here.Maybe i should have quizzed her daughter
> whenever she talked! How do you make yourself feel better after a
> visit like this?
>
Meryl Ranzer
**The underlying questions involve boundaries. Partly it depends on
whose house a family is in. What is fine at the in-laws' house
shouldn't be the same thing that's fine in one's own unschooling
home, but that's difficult for some people to understand. There are
territorial issues. If I go to another house and they're spanking
their kids or putting them in time out, my choices are to stay and
suck up my aversion, or find a polite-ish way to leave. There are
other choices, but they'd be really rude and wrong.
If another family is visiting in MY home, on the other hand and they
want to spank or put their kids in time out in MY house, then I have
WAY more options.**
My friend put her daughter in Time Out next all of us at the dinner
table at my
house on Thanksgiving. It made me very uncomfortable.
What would you have done?...since you mentioned WAY more options,I'd
like to know for next time.
Thanks,
Meryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
whose house a family is in. What is fine at the in-laws' house
shouldn't be the same thing that's fine in one's own unschooling
home, but that's difficult for some people to understand. There are
territorial issues. If I go to another house and they're spanking
their kids or putting them in time out, my choices are to stay and
suck up my aversion, or find a polite-ish way to leave. There are
other choices, but they'd be really rude and wrong.
If another family is visiting in MY home, on the other hand and they
want to spank or put their kids in time out in MY house, then I have
WAY more options.**
My friend put her daughter in Time Out next all of us at the dinner
table at my
house on Thanksgiving. It made me very uncomfortable.
What would you have done?...since you mentioned WAY more options,I'd
like to know for next time.
Thanks,
Meryl
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-She came up with the idea to teach them about photo editing on the
computer (photoshop and using photobucket). They had a great time
doing it and they were very impressed with her computer literacy and
knowledge. Now when she goes to see them, she updates their 'lessons'
with anything new she's learned or she teaches them something else
she's interested in. The quizzing has stopped and they have a new
respect for her. I think they've finally
realized that she's an intelligent and engaged young woman!-=-
I think it helps to get it out of the realm of what they think people
learn in school or what they remember from school. It always helped
for us to get Kirby talking about the karate dojo, or the gaming shop
in which he worked and some of the statewide and regional tournaments
he had helped run, and judged. I started to say "it made him a real
boy," but what it really did was make him a real man, in their eyes.
He was doing things they knew nothing about, and things that were
valued and paid for by adults.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
computer (photoshop and using photobucket). They had a great time
doing it and they were very impressed with her computer literacy and
knowledge. Now when she goes to see them, she updates their 'lessons'
with anything new she's learned or she teaches them something else
she's interested in. The quizzing has stopped and they have a new
respect for her. I think they've finally
realized that she's an intelligent and engaged young woman!-=-
I think it helps to get it out of the realm of what they think people
learn in school or what they remember from school. It always helped
for us to get Kirby talking about the karate dojo, or the gaming shop
in which he worked and some of the statewide and regional tournaments
he had helped run, and judged. I started to say "it made him a real
boy," but what it really did was make him a real man, in their eyes.
He was doing things they knew nothing about, and things that were
valued and paid for by adults.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Mention that you do not force your "homeschooling" methods on
to his child (though such a concept is of course ridiculous), and you
would prefer he not force his "schooling" methods (quiz-led
conversation) on to your child.-=-
I like that!
And it should be in writing. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
to his child (though such a concept is of course ridiculous), and you
would prefer he not force his "schooling" methods (quiz-led
conversation) on to your child.-=-
I like that!
And it should be in writing. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-My friend put her daughter in Time Out next all of us at the dinner
table at my
house on Thanksgiving. It made me very uncomfortable.
What would you have done?...since you mentioned WAY more options,I'd
like to know for next time.-=-
I think a word was left out up top. Traditions about who has what
rights in their own homes are falling by the wayside, which I think
is unfortunate, but if she cares anything about dinner table
etiquette, nobody leaves the table without asking to be excused by
the host or hostess. If she wants to use your dinner table for her
'training ground,' that's very rude.
I think I would say to her (in writing) that her daughter was a guest
in your home too, and you weren't comfortable with ANY of your
guests, of any age, being punished or belittled at your table.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
table at my
house on Thanksgiving. It made me very uncomfortable.
What would you have done?...since you mentioned WAY more options,I'd
like to know for next time.-=-
I think a word was left out up top. Traditions about who has what
rights in their own homes are falling by the wayside, which I think
is unfortunate, but if she cares anything about dinner table
etiquette, nobody leaves the table without asking to be excused by
the host or hostess. If she wants to use your dinner table for her
'training ground,' that's very rude.
I think I would say to her (in writing) that her daughter was a guest
in your home too, and you weren't comfortable with ANY of your
guests, of any age, being punished or belittled at your table.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/29/2008 6:36:27 PM Eastern Standard Time,
Sandra@... writes:
<<<dinner table
etiquette, nobody leaves the table without asking to be excused by
the host or hostess. >>>
Before my oldest started asking to be excused from the table, I thought that
was just a "social dialogue" kind of thing, since every time prior, each
"May I be excused?" was followed by some sort of affirmative answer.
Unfortunately, my parents seem to require children (of any age) to sit at the table
until every single person is done (including second and third helpings) eating
and chatting. Basically, until an adult (preferably one of my parents) is ready
to leave the table. Since part of their "mealtime habits" includes long
periods of chatting afterward (as well as during), sometimes a child is expected
to sit for over an hour on hard wooden chairs. We quit asking, but now I'm
feeling maybe there might have been some alternative we could have tried-any
suggestions?
Peace,
De
**************Life should be easier. So should your homepage. Try the NEW
AOL.com.
(http://www.aol.com/?optin=new-dp&icid=aolcom40vanity&ncid=emlcntaolcom00000002)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra@... writes:
<<<dinner table
etiquette, nobody leaves the table without asking to be excused by
the host or hostess. >>>
Before my oldest started asking to be excused from the table, I thought that
was just a "social dialogue" kind of thing, since every time prior, each
"May I be excused?" was followed by some sort of affirmative answer.
Unfortunately, my parents seem to require children (of any age) to sit at the table
until every single person is done (including second and third helpings) eating
and chatting. Basically, until an adult (preferably one of my parents) is ready
to leave the table. Since part of their "mealtime habits" includes long
periods of chatting afterward (as well as during), sometimes a child is expected
to sit for over an hour on hard wooden chairs. We quit asking, but now I'm
feeling maybe there might have been some alternative we could have tried-any
suggestions?
Peace,
De
**************Life should be easier. So should your homepage. Try the NEW
AOL.com.
(http://www.aol.com/?optin=new-dp&icid=aolcom40vanity&ncid=emlcntaolcom00000002)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Unfortunately, my parents seem to require children (of any age) to
sit at the table
until every single person is done (including second and third
helpings) eating
and chatting.-=
It's an old tradition, but part of that tradition was also feeding
kids in advance in some other place (nursery food) and only the
adults staying at the table.
-=-Basically, until an adult (preferably one of my parents) is ready
to leave the table. Since part of their "mealtime habits" includes long
periods of chatting afterward (as well as during), sometimes a child
is expected
to sit for over an hour on hard wooden chairs.-=-
If it were my situation, I'd talk to the parents about compromising
on time and rules, or having different kinds of meals. But it's
still worth trying, sometimes, to make the kids more comfortable.
Try to turn the conversations more toward them, and maybe get them
something to sit on so the table isn't so high and the chair isn't
so uncomfortable.
I've eaten with kids who didn't have a clue how to behave at a
table. Not everywhere is McDonald's. But on the other hand,
expecting kids to act like they're dining with the president (or
local-head-of-state) when they're at a family dinner is unreasonable
too.
It seems worth letting kids know that there are formal table
traditions, and reminding parents that those have rarely included kids.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sit at the table
until every single person is done (including second and third
helpings) eating
and chatting.-=
It's an old tradition, but part of that tradition was also feeding
kids in advance in some other place (nursery food) and only the
adults staying at the table.
-=-Basically, until an adult (preferably one of my parents) is ready
to leave the table. Since part of their "mealtime habits" includes long
periods of chatting afterward (as well as during), sometimes a child
is expected
to sit for over an hour on hard wooden chairs.-=-
If it were my situation, I'd talk to the parents about compromising
on time and rules, or having different kinds of meals. But it's
still worth trying, sometimes, to make the kids more comfortable.
Try to turn the conversations more toward them, and maybe get them
something to sit on so the table isn't so high and the chair isn't
so uncomfortable.
I've eaten with kids who didn't have a clue how to behave at a
table. Not everywhere is McDonald's. But on the other hand,
expecting kids to act like they're dining with the president (or
local-head-of-state) when they're at a family dinner is unreasonable
too.
It seems worth letting kids know that there are formal table
traditions, and reminding parents that those have rarely included kids.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I'm
feeling maybe there might have been some alternative we could have
tried-any
suggestions?
Peace,
De-=-
I forgot to recommend the alternative of not eating with your parents
if they insist on having long drawn out dinners and requiring the
kids to slow to the pace of old folks.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
feeling maybe there might have been some alternative we could have
tried-any
suggestions?
Peace,
De-=-
I forgot to recommend the alternative of not eating with your parents
if they insist on having long drawn out dinners and requiring the
kids to slow to the pace of old folks.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
halfshadow1
I'm back. Mostly i am mad at myself for not saying anything like i
mentioned in my previous post. I feel like not having any further
communication with them...ever. Ignoring any future emails and such.
There was a homeschooling comment from my dad to my husband when i was
outside. My dad stated to my husband that Lukas needs to go to school
so he can be with other kids. My dad states this often no matter what
i say. I have told him him stop. He doesn't.It doesn't matter to my
father that Lukas hangs out with kids. I know exactly what my dad
means. My husband answered him with: we have discussed this before and
that's the way it is.
I am happy he said that. My brother and his wife spent alot of their
visit and my parents house with my mom who probably expressed her
toxic,negative views of homeschooling and us with my SIL.
So,i can either ignore them or get a backbone. I'd rather have a
backbone. I need help how too. thanks.
mentioned in my previous post. I feel like not having any further
communication with them...ever. Ignoring any future emails and such.
There was a homeschooling comment from my dad to my husband when i was
outside. My dad stated to my husband that Lukas needs to go to school
so he can be with other kids. My dad states this often no matter what
i say. I have told him him stop. He doesn't.It doesn't matter to my
father that Lukas hangs out with kids. I know exactly what my dad
means. My husband answered him with: we have discussed this before and
that's the way it is.
I am happy he said that. My brother and his wife spent alot of their
visit and my parents house with my mom who probably expressed her
toxic,negative views of homeschooling and us with my SIL.
So,i can either ignore them or get a backbone. I'd rather have a
backbone. I need help how too. thanks.
Jenny C
> So,i can either ignore them or get a backbone. I'd rather have aIt may or may not help to know that it will be different a few years
> backbone. I need help how too. thanks.
>
from now. When SIL's child/ren are being sassy and rude to mom in front
of others, and your son is politely hanging out with everyone, the
comments may stop.
Probably a lot of people just spent time with family and in-laws and all
kinds of different parenting styles, some meaner and some nicer, but
mostly traditional. We did.
I like my in-laws, not everything, but generally, they are all pretty
accepting of one another. The hardest part for me was how they are with
their kids. It was really interesting to watch all of them make their
lives so much harder by saying "no" about stuff that they could've
easily said "yes" to. "I want cheetos." "no, you have to eat something
healthy first." Hysteria insues. It all could've been avoided if they
would've just given the kid some cheetos! It was that way about
everything food related with each one of the kids and their parents.
Some of the little ones started just circumventing their parents and
asking me while their parents were busy doing something else and
unaware. Then suddenly there were happy kids, (sarcasm here...) wow
what a shocking surprise! Kid asks for something and gets it with a
happy smile, or they ask for something and get told "no" and start to
cry and get upset. It really surprises me sometimes that people don't
get that, it seems so obvious to me!
It's control and manipulation and the older cousins try to do it to the
little ones, because it's learned behavior. I said "yes" to everything
I could, and my younger daughter didn't throw any fits of rage the whole
2 and a half days we were there. The only time she got upset at all was
when her girl cousin closest in age to her was being bossy and mean, and
it was obvious to everyone there, so everyone excused Margaux from her
upset and the other girl got "in trouble".
The whole time we were there, my kids amazed me with their easy going
nature, trying to find positive solutions for win/win for everyone. The
ones in elementary school were clearly out for themselves. It happened
repeatedly, where the only solution they could find was a win only for
themselves, being countered by my kids coming up with solutions that
appeased everyone.
I KNOW I wasn't the only one to see it happen. If those dynamics
continue, they WILL have older kids that are bigger and meaner and
sneakier. Mine aren't like that at all and it's really obvious!
Jenny C
> I had my brother/his wife and ten year old daughter visit today. HaveNext time, if there is one, spend most of your time with your son. One
> you every been so exhausted from stress from family that you almost
> feel sick? I could slice the judgment of my son from my SIL with an
> axe!
thing that helps me with in-laws, is that none of them are my best
friends, none of them are people I would hang out with and chum it up
with outside of family gatherings. I'm not seeking their approval. I
used to get my feelings hurt by things they'd say, but I just don't care
anymore what they think of me or my family.
I'm happy with my family and what we're doing. I like to hang out with
my kids more than I like to hang out with any one of them, so I do just
that. Nobody can corner my kids or do weird manipulative stuff to them,
not even their cousins because I will know and call them on it. In a
way, I've changed the dynamic, where, they have to live up to MY
expectations of how people should behave.
I really don't know how to say that really, but the difference is that
the atmosphere stays happier, nicer, more friendly. I did a lot of
intentional goodness for my kids and the other kids while we were with
our family over the holidays. When I noticed a kid starting to go sad,
I'd go give them a little happiness. I think, in general, in family
gatherings, if there are happy kids, the parents are happier and nicer
too. The parents don't want to go play and help all the kids get along,
they want to hang out and talk and watch TV and play games, and if they
can do that because all the kids are getting along, then everyone wins.
So this holiday, I spent a lot of time hanging out with the kids. (and
it kind of inspired more of the same) which was cool.
Joyce Fetteroll
On Nov 30, 2008, at 12:12 AM, Jenny C wrote:
is to transform selfish, self-indulgent creatures into responsible
adults.
That sounds sarcastic but it's true without parents realizing it.
It's assumed children will think selfishly unless they're trained to
think of others. It's assumed kids will choose everything that's bad
for themselves unless they're made to do what's right long enough for
their ability to tell themselves no kicks in.
In the eyes of conventional parents what you're doing is making your
child happy in the moment at (what they're certain is) the price of
an adult who won't be able to resist the bad things in life. You're
being weak because you can't say no. They're being strong because
they're helping their children avoid getting addicted to things that
are bad for them, and training them to resist those urges.
Unfortunately it seems to work. Kids often do grow up to eat less
junk and watch less TV. Often it's because their tastes change. They
don't need the high calorie foods in their 20's. (What percentage of
adults who were allowed to eat Cap'n Crunch as kids still like it?
Just the thought of it makes me gag as an adult ;-) So from the
results it *seems* like the kids who would cram in the junk were
trained properly to not eat it by parents who did the hard and right
thing of saying no to them.
Of course some grow up to grab as much as they can of the stuff that
was controlled -- and often feel guilty and wrong about it even as
they feel right about being able to choose without someone hovering
over them.
But, of course, unschoolers know from experience that the conclusions
are false. We know that kids who can choose what to eat don't become
slaves to "junk" food.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Kid asks for something and gets it with aBecause the goal of conventional parenting isn't happy kids. The goal
> happy smile, or they ask for something and get told "no" and start to
> cry and get upset. It really surprises me sometimes that people don't
> get that, it seems so obvious to me!
is to transform selfish, self-indulgent creatures into responsible
adults.
That sounds sarcastic but it's true without parents realizing it.
It's assumed children will think selfishly unless they're trained to
think of others. It's assumed kids will choose everything that's bad
for themselves unless they're made to do what's right long enough for
their ability to tell themselves no kicks in.
In the eyes of conventional parents what you're doing is making your
child happy in the moment at (what they're certain is) the price of
an adult who won't be able to resist the bad things in life. You're
being weak because you can't say no. They're being strong because
they're helping their children avoid getting addicted to things that
are bad for them, and training them to resist those urges.
Unfortunately it seems to work. Kids often do grow up to eat less
junk and watch less TV. Often it's because their tastes change. They
don't need the high calorie foods in their 20's. (What percentage of
adults who were allowed to eat Cap'n Crunch as kids still like it?
Just the thought of it makes me gag as an adult ;-) So from the
results it *seems* like the kids who would cram in the junk were
trained properly to not eat it by parents who did the hard and right
thing of saying no to them.
Of course some grow up to grab as much as they can of the stuff that
was controlled -- and often feel guilty and wrong about it even as
they feel right about being able to choose without someone hovering
over them.
But, of course, unschoolers know from experience that the conclusions
are false. We know that kids who can choose what to eat don't become
slaves to "junk" food.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Angela Shaw
< (What percentage of
adults who were allowed to eat Cap'n Crunch as kids still like it?
Just the thought of it makes me gag as an adult >
Its funny you say that. I've always wanted to bring up our cereal habits
here. Both dh and I never had sweetened cereal as kids. We are the ones
that eat it in our house. Capt'n Crunch and all. =) I like the version
with crunch berries. My kids have always been able to choose their cereal
and the top favorites of the moment are rice crispies and bran flakes. =)
They eat those and dh and I eat the fruit loops and cocoa puffs. =)
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
adults who were allowed to eat Cap'n Crunch as kids still like it?
Just the thought of it makes me gag as an adult >
Its funny you say that. I've always wanted to bring up our cereal habits
here. Both dh and I never had sweetened cereal as kids. We are the ones
that eat it in our house. Capt'n Crunch and all. =) I like the version
with crunch berries. My kids have always been able to choose their cereal
and the top favorites of the moment are rice crispies and bran flakes. =)
They eat those and dh and I eat the fruit loops and cocoa puffs. =)
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-It may or may not help to know that it will be different a few years
from now. When SIL's child/ren are being sassy and rude to mom in front
of others, and your son is politely hanging out with everyone, the
comments may stop.-=-
We were at a Thanksgiving of various friends and relatives of
friends. There was a girl around 12, and she was "very well
behaved" (sullen and quiet). I bet she was a very well behaved
little child (unhappy, afraid). Her mom seemed unhappy too--unhappy
to be there, unhappy with her child (for no reason).
Another adult (girlfriend of longtime friend of ours; she was
probably late 40's) played a game that Holly and I were in on,
sitting next to each other, having fun, and she told me after a while
that none of her kids (three in their 20's) would've been willing to
sit and play a game with her at that age.
-=-Nobody can corner my kids or do weird manipulative stuff to them,
not even their cousins because I will know and call them on it. In a
way, I've changed the dynamic, where, they have to live up to MY
expectations of how people should behave.-=-
That can come when people are brave enough and willing to say
something like "The kids didn't have very much fun last time because
people were quizzing them," or "It's not a very kid-friendly house,
so I think we'll wait another year or two to try again." My brother-
in-law has asked to come and stay at our house sometimes. It's not to
see us, it's to go to the balloon fiesta or something, which is fine
and understandable, but because he totally COULD afford a motel but
he's too cheap, I put a price on staying here too: he has to be nice
to my kids and not bug them. He used to tease them and talk to them
about their teacher ("well sure you have a teacher--your mother's
you teacher," "No she's not" "No, I'm not.") The older they got
the more friendly and open they were, while his own kids (living with
his separated wife in a state where he didn't live) got quieter and
more avoidant as he said no, no, no to them about everything they
asked and he kept telling them what they "had to" do and should do,
and they had started ignoring him years before (or worse, listening
to him and then doing the opposite), that he had no choice but to
shush up his judgmental noise. It did take years, though. You don't
have to keep submitting yourself for judgment every holiday. Take
your kids to Disneyland, France, a water park in a nearby town, Las
Vegas to ride carousels inside in the winter. You don't have to
report for interrogation at the relatives' houses.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
from now. When SIL's child/ren are being sassy and rude to mom in front
of others, and your son is politely hanging out with everyone, the
comments may stop.-=-
We were at a Thanksgiving of various friends and relatives of
friends. There was a girl around 12, and she was "very well
behaved" (sullen and quiet). I bet she was a very well behaved
little child (unhappy, afraid). Her mom seemed unhappy too--unhappy
to be there, unhappy with her child (for no reason).
Another adult (girlfriend of longtime friend of ours; she was
probably late 40's) played a game that Holly and I were in on,
sitting next to each other, having fun, and she told me after a while
that none of her kids (three in their 20's) would've been willing to
sit and play a game with her at that age.
-=-Nobody can corner my kids or do weird manipulative stuff to them,
not even their cousins because I will know and call them on it. In a
way, I've changed the dynamic, where, they have to live up to MY
expectations of how people should behave.-=-
That can come when people are brave enough and willing to say
something like "The kids didn't have very much fun last time because
people were quizzing them," or "It's not a very kid-friendly house,
so I think we'll wait another year or two to try again." My brother-
in-law has asked to come and stay at our house sometimes. It's not to
see us, it's to go to the balloon fiesta or something, which is fine
and understandable, but because he totally COULD afford a motel but
he's too cheap, I put a price on staying here too: he has to be nice
to my kids and not bug them. He used to tease them and talk to them
about their teacher ("well sure you have a teacher--your mother's
you teacher," "No she's not" "No, I'm not.") The older they got
the more friendly and open they were, while his own kids (living with
his separated wife in a state where he didn't live) got quieter and
more avoidant as he said no, no, no to them about everything they
asked and he kept telling them what they "had to" do and should do,
and they had started ignoring him years before (or worse, listening
to him and then doing the opposite), that he had no choice but to
shush up his judgmental noise. It did take years, though. You don't
have to keep submitting yourself for judgment every holiday. Take
your kids to Disneyland, France, a water park in a nearby town, Las
Vegas to ride carousels inside in the winter. You don't have to
report for interrogation at the relatives' houses.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
We also had a guest - a 22 or so year old - along with a lot of
extended family members, for Thanksgiving. The guest stayed all day
(we ate at 11 am) and into the late evening. Then he came back and
hung out again the next day. He told me to tell him if he was wearing
out his welcome, but he was enjoying himself a lot because "It's so
nice and comfortable because you all like each other."
We spent a lot of the day playing games - lots of variations of people
playing different games - young and old and in between.
-pam
extended family members, for Thanksgiving. The guest stayed all day
(we ate at 11 am) and into the late evening. Then he came back and
hung out again the next day. He told me to tell him if he was wearing
out his welcome, but he was enjoying himself a lot because "It's so
nice and comfortable because you all like each other."
We spent a lot of the day playing games - lots of variations of people
playing different games - young and old and in between.
-pam
On Nov 30, 2008, at 9:37 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
> Another adult (girlfriend of longtime friend of ours; she was
> probably late 40's) played a game that Holly and I were in on,
> sitting next to each other, having fun, and she told me after a while
> that none of her kids (three in their 20's) would've been willing to
> sit and play a game with her at that age.
emiLy Q.
I could eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch every day for breakfast, but because we
don't drink milk and I pay for the groceries I choose other things - cereal
is expensive to start, but add rice milk on top and you really have an
expensive bowl of breakfast with not much protein either. I choose oatmeal
or pancakes or eggs (from our chickens) for breakfast foods, and get my
sweet stuff other ways, with cookies or brownies or fluffernutter
quesadillas. :) (A fluffernutter is peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.)
-emiLy, mom to Delia (5) & Henry (1.5)
Babies are BORN potty trained!
http://www.BornPottyTrained.com
don't drink milk and I pay for the groceries I choose other things - cereal
is expensive to start, but add rice milk on top and you really have an
expensive bowl of breakfast with not much protein either. I choose oatmeal
or pancakes or eggs (from our chickens) for breakfast foods, and get my
sweet stuff other ways, with cookies or brownies or fluffernutter
quesadillas. :) (A fluffernutter is peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.)
-emiLy, mom to Delia (5) & Henry (1.5)
Babies are BORN potty trained!
http://www.BornPottyTrained.com
Sandra Dodd
-=-fluffernutter quesadillas.-=-
Sounds TERRIBLE with cheese. Putting it in a tortilla might not be
bad, but that doesn't make it a quesadilla. (On the other hand, one
of the best sandwiches EVER is peanut butter, cream cheese and honey,
so maybe fluffernutter and cheese wouldn't be horrible.)
When Brett first moved in he ate a LOT of cereal, so we started
buying more of it, keeping it supplied. At some point I guess he
stopped, but we kept picking it up at the same rate we had been, and
now there's a surplus of cereal here. I should start offering it to
young people who come to visit, to take a bag or a box home. The
strawberry granola he was eating for a while can be ground up and put
in bread. I could make muffins with the raisin bran. Cocoa puffs,
though... Rum balls? I bet I could grind them up for rum balls
instead of using shortbread or vanilla wafers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sounds TERRIBLE with cheese. Putting it in a tortilla might not be
bad, but that doesn't make it a quesadilla. (On the other hand, one
of the best sandwiches EVER is peanut butter, cream cheese and honey,
so maybe fluffernutter and cheese wouldn't be horrible.)
When Brett first moved in he ate a LOT of cereal, so we started
buying more of it, keeping it supplied. At some point I guess he
stopped, but we kept picking it up at the same rate we had been, and
now there's a surplus of cereal here. I should start offering it to
young people who come to visit, to take a bag or a box home. The
strawberry granola he was eating for a while can be ground up and put
in bread. I could make muffins with the raisin bran. Cocoa puffs,
though... Rum balls? I bet I could grind them up for rum balls
instead of using shortbread or vanilla wafers.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
prism7513
(What percentage of
mostly sugary cereal growing up. I can't ever remember eating what
would be considered "healthy" cereal. No bran flakes, so shredded
wheat, etc. I ate Fruity Pebbles, Cap'n Crunch (all three kinds!) and
Fruit Loops, Coco Crispies, etc. And I STILL love all of them!
Which brings me to the wonder part. Though I hadn't let my kids eat
whatever they wanted to whenever they wanted to prior to my decision
to do so a few months ago, I still wasn't very picky with what they
ate. So they had "sweets" after ever meal, often before meals, and any
time I had some. I would simply say "I think you've had enough"
afterwards if they asked for more than I was comfortable with.
But when halloween came this year, it played out the same as every
year. I've never told them to only eat a few pieces of candy, because
I figured the more they eat, the sooner it's gone and I don't have to
hear them ask, "Can I have more?" They had free access to their candy
and I would always answer "yes" when they asked for more.
All three years (as long as we've been getting candy) they've dove in
and don't stop until the candy is gone. Which I don't mind, at all.
But I do know of people on this board or the food pages on Sandra's
site, or even friends off-line whose children eat lots of candy at
first, then stop and leave the rest to be forgotten eventually. Even
my friend who limits her children's sweets, once she gave in and said,
"Just eat as much as you want!" they ate a few pieces, and then
stopped.
So far, my kids have not stopped as far as a whole day goes. In other
words, they'll eat 3, 5, 7 pieces, then stop for awhile, then hours
later do the same again.
Are some children more likely to enjoy sugary things than others? Am I
still somehow giving off a vibe that they are picking up that might
cause them to hoard vs. just enjoy bit by bit?
At Thanksgiving, my kids were the only ones not forced into eating the
foods on their plates or the selection offered. But they also were the
only ones eating more dessert than main dishes. And that's pretty
typical with them. Since I don't get to see other children who choose
their own food, I'm wondering if this is normal fare for younger kids,
or if they are still on the journey (2 months in) of phasing out of
controlled eating. I guess I thought that since I hadn't been very
strict before, that it wouldn't be a huge change to their diet. And as
for the "healthy" foods, that part hasn't changed. They still eat
pretty much what they did before. It's just the sweets have increased
to probably about double. They don't eat it all day, and I'm fine with
the amount of healthy food they DO get. I just still have that voice
in my mind saying, "But look at all the candy they're eating!" They
will eat other foods if offered, but then usually ask for the sweets
afterwards ("Do you want grapes/banana/pear?" "YES!!!" :eat: "Can I
still have chocolate?" "Sure...")
Any thoughts?
Deb
> adults who were allowed to eat Cap'n Crunch as kids still like it?Hmmm...I've been wondering about this lately, again. I actually ate
> Just the thought of it makes me gag as an adult ;-)
mostly sugary cereal growing up. I can't ever remember eating what
would be considered "healthy" cereal. No bran flakes, so shredded
wheat, etc. I ate Fruity Pebbles, Cap'n Crunch (all three kinds!) and
Fruit Loops, Coco Crispies, etc. And I STILL love all of them!
Which brings me to the wonder part. Though I hadn't let my kids eat
whatever they wanted to whenever they wanted to prior to my decision
to do so a few months ago, I still wasn't very picky with what they
ate. So they had "sweets" after ever meal, often before meals, and any
time I had some. I would simply say "I think you've had enough"
afterwards if they asked for more than I was comfortable with.
But when halloween came this year, it played out the same as every
year. I've never told them to only eat a few pieces of candy, because
I figured the more they eat, the sooner it's gone and I don't have to
hear them ask, "Can I have more?" They had free access to their candy
and I would always answer "yes" when they asked for more.
All three years (as long as we've been getting candy) they've dove in
and don't stop until the candy is gone. Which I don't mind, at all.
But I do know of people on this board or the food pages on Sandra's
site, or even friends off-line whose children eat lots of candy at
first, then stop and leave the rest to be forgotten eventually. Even
my friend who limits her children's sweets, once she gave in and said,
"Just eat as much as you want!" they ate a few pieces, and then
stopped.
So far, my kids have not stopped as far as a whole day goes. In other
words, they'll eat 3, 5, 7 pieces, then stop for awhile, then hours
later do the same again.
Are some children more likely to enjoy sugary things than others? Am I
still somehow giving off a vibe that they are picking up that might
cause them to hoard vs. just enjoy bit by bit?
At Thanksgiving, my kids were the only ones not forced into eating the
foods on their plates or the selection offered. But they also were the
only ones eating more dessert than main dishes. And that's pretty
typical with them. Since I don't get to see other children who choose
their own food, I'm wondering if this is normal fare for younger kids,
or if they are still on the journey (2 months in) of phasing out of
controlled eating. I guess I thought that since I hadn't been very
strict before, that it wouldn't be a huge change to their diet. And as
for the "healthy" foods, that part hasn't changed. They still eat
pretty much what they did before. It's just the sweets have increased
to probably about double. They don't eat it all day, and I'm fine with
the amount of healthy food they DO get. I just still have that voice
in my mind saying, "But look at all the candy they're eating!" They
will eat other foods if offered, but then usually ask for the sweets
afterwards ("Do you want grapes/banana/pear?" "YES!!!" :eat: "Can I
still have chocolate?" "Sure...")
Any thoughts?
Deb
prism7513
> They eat those and dh and I eat the fruit loops and cocoa puffs. =)Yes, I mentioned in my other post that I still love sugary cereal,
>
though I ate it as a kid, but my kids both prefer Bran Flakes and
Cheerios over any other cereal they've ever tried. (The babies I don't
know about yet as they still prefer breastmilk!)
Deb
John and Amanda Slater
--- On Sun, 11/30/08, prism7513 <penley75@...> wrote:
Are some children more likely to enjoy sugary things than others?
*****I have a child who enjoys sweet food. He really always has. He loves ice cream and cookies. There are days he eats nothing but ice cream. We have never limited food. Actually we tried the typical eat what is on your plate thing once, and then Dh and I looked at each other and wondered how to enforce it. So we never did it again.
What I have noticed is he is starting to want more substantial food. He just turned 6. He still eats more sweets than anyone, but is starting to ask more often for macaroni and yogurt, etc. I think he is hitting a growth spurt and needs more nutrition. He has always been on the small side (40 lbs at 6 years) and I guess was able to get his needs met through sweets. As his needs are increasing he is looking for more nutrionally dense foods. He has not been sick in years. He also is very visual, so he will only try what looks good. Which means he only eats a few things and is not willing to try anything new.
Eli on the other hand is more likely to have a pear than ice cream and to refuse cake and ice cream at a party. He just does not have a sweet tooth like Samuel. I think they have had pretty much the same exposure to food, but have different preferences.
Both boys are healthy and energetic. Both are small for their age. I try not to worry and just make sure they have easy access to all the foods they like. Sweet and otherwise.
After talking to other parents most kids seem to get more adventurous with trying new foods between 8 and 9. That seems to be when snacks are no longer enough and they are looking for meals. So we are continuing to get Samuel the items he is willing to eat now and are waiting for him to be ready to try new foods.
AmandaEli 7, Samuel 6
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Angela Shaw
My older dd(14 next week) isn't as much of a sweet eater as her sister or
I. I think it really depends on the person. Both kids would choose fresh
fruits over other sweets most of the time but we tend to have sweets in the
house more than good fruit because of the price. I can bake a batch of
cookies for next to nothing. Fruit is expensive. We tend to buy what is in
season and lots of it during that time but in our neck of the woods, winter
lasts a long time and the fruits available for a decent price in the winter
aren't very good sometimes.
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I. I think it really depends on the person. Both kids would choose fresh
fruits over other sweets most of the time but we tend to have sweets in the
house more than good fruit because of the price. I can bake a batch of
cookies for next to nothing. Fruit is expensive. We tend to buy what is in
season and lots of it during that time but in our neck of the woods, winter
lasts a long time and the fruits available for a decent price in the winter
aren't very good sometimes.
Angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]