Help with how to handle a situatiom
aspire4higher2008
I have never posted before but I have gleaned a plethora of wonderful
ideas and insights from this group. So first I want to say thank
you. Thank you for helping me change my perspective. Thank you for
enlightening me. Thank you for helping me want to be a better mother.
I have a dilemna that I would like to put out there for some
responses. About a year ago my oldest son (10y at the time) made
friends with a neighborhood boy. The boy is a bit of a "loose
cannon". He was easily angered, very loud, used foul language,
taunted the younger kids, and often playing would turn into an
argument with both parties storming off. I sat him down and
expressed my desire to have a secure, loving environment. I told him
foul language was not something we used, yelling and hollering at one
another was not something we did and taunting, pushing, hitting was
not how we handled our anger. He agreed to control himself and I
told him he could continue to come over.
Over the next few months things seemed to get better with just a few
incidents. Fast forward to this summer. It seemed that overnight he
became this volatile, angry young man. Everytime he came over one of
my children ended up in tears. I had finally gotten to a point where
I despised having him come up to the door to ask if the kids could
play. I had spoken with his mother about his relationship with my
kids, especially the oldest, but she was quite taken aback and seems
just as volatile as he is.
Finally one day my son and him began fist fighting. I broke it up
and sent him home. Then my son broke down and poured out his heart
to me. He told me that this boy had said horrible things about me
and my other children and had been doing so for awhile. My son told
me that he did not want to be friends with him and he knew that this
was not the type of friendship he wanted. So, dh, myself and our son
sat down discussed the issue and we all agreed that the best decision
was to not have this neighbor boy over anymore and that it was best
if all communication was cut off.
Well despite all of that my son has moments where he breaks down in
tears and tell me that I don't like his "friend" and that is why he
can't play with him. He has been telling me that he would like to go
over his house again and start playing with him. I know that I
helped make a decision but I absolutely did not do it alone. Perhaps
I influenced him. My maternal instincts were to just get him out of
that situation and keep him safe.
I know what kind of environment I want to provide for my children. I
also know that my son has a hole in his heart and I have yet to fill
that need for him. I don't think that he really wants to be friends
with this boy, he often remembers what it was like when this boy
would come over. I think he is craving that bond of friendship that
he thought he had. He is involved in Cubscouts once a week, soccer in
Spring and Fall, church once a week. Other than that we do not have
a lot of get togethers with other kids. We live in a remote little
town and most of his friends go to school and can't play during the
week. I was taking him to an artclass but that was way too formal to
make any lasting bonds. I'm thinking of helping him start a club--
legos or books (his loves)--here at home but not sure.
Was I wrong in the decision I though "we" made? SHould he try it
again? Or should I help him move on? I'm just not sure what I
should do.
ideas and insights from this group. So first I want to say thank
you. Thank you for helping me change my perspective. Thank you for
enlightening me. Thank you for helping me want to be a better mother.
I have a dilemna that I would like to put out there for some
responses. About a year ago my oldest son (10y at the time) made
friends with a neighborhood boy. The boy is a bit of a "loose
cannon". He was easily angered, very loud, used foul language,
taunted the younger kids, and often playing would turn into an
argument with both parties storming off. I sat him down and
expressed my desire to have a secure, loving environment. I told him
foul language was not something we used, yelling and hollering at one
another was not something we did and taunting, pushing, hitting was
not how we handled our anger. He agreed to control himself and I
told him he could continue to come over.
Over the next few months things seemed to get better with just a few
incidents. Fast forward to this summer. It seemed that overnight he
became this volatile, angry young man. Everytime he came over one of
my children ended up in tears. I had finally gotten to a point where
I despised having him come up to the door to ask if the kids could
play. I had spoken with his mother about his relationship with my
kids, especially the oldest, but she was quite taken aback and seems
just as volatile as he is.
Finally one day my son and him began fist fighting. I broke it up
and sent him home. Then my son broke down and poured out his heart
to me. He told me that this boy had said horrible things about me
and my other children and had been doing so for awhile. My son told
me that he did not want to be friends with him and he knew that this
was not the type of friendship he wanted. So, dh, myself and our son
sat down discussed the issue and we all agreed that the best decision
was to not have this neighbor boy over anymore and that it was best
if all communication was cut off.
Well despite all of that my son has moments where he breaks down in
tears and tell me that I don't like his "friend" and that is why he
can't play with him. He has been telling me that he would like to go
over his house again and start playing with him. I know that I
helped make a decision but I absolutely did not do it alone. Perhaps
I influenced him. My maternal instincts were to just get him out of
that situation and keep him safe.
I know what kind of environment I want to provide for my children. I
also know that my son has a hole in his heart and I have yet to fill
that need for him. I don't think that he really wants to be friends
with this boy, he often remembers what it was like when this boy
would come over. I think he is craving that bond of friendship that
he thought he had. He is involved in Cubscouts once a week, soccer in
Spring and Fall, church once a week. Other than that we do not have
a lot of get togethers with other kids. We live in a remote little
town and most of his friends go to school and can't play during the
week. I was taking him to an artclass but that was way too formal to
make any lasting bonds. I'm thinking of helping him start a club--
legos or books (his loves)--here at home but not sure.
Was I wrong in the decision I though "we" made? SHould he try it
again? Or should I help him move on? I'm just not sure what I
should do.
Sandra Dodd
-=-Was I wrong in the decision I thought "we" made? SHould he try it
again? Or should I help him move on? I'm just not sure what I
should do.-=-
Maybe the decision should have been "for now" and not "forever."
You could help him move on AND try again.
Holly visited families she didn't fully like or trust, and I just
made sure I was near and prepared to pick her up if she called. Much
of the appreciation she has for our house and family is from the
contrast with knowing more of the inner workings of other families
(some unschooling, some homeschooling, some school kids). I don't
think the danger of being in a house where there's rudeness and maybe
a little danger is as bad as the real, known harm of her not knowing
why and whether the way things are at our house are cool and special.
Some of her friendships she maintains even though she thinks the
parenting is arbitrary and irresponsible and she sees it backfiring
in ways the parents don't see. It will make her a better parent.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
again? Or should I help him move on? I'm just not sure what I
should do.-=-
Maybe the decision should have been "for now" and not "forever."
You could help him move on AND try again.
Holly visited families she didn't fully like or trust, and I just
made sure I was near and prepared to pick her up if she called. Much
of the appreciation she has for our house and family is from the
contrast with knowing more of the inner workings of other families
(some unschooling, some homeschooling, some school kids). I don't
think the danger of being in a house where there's rudeness and maybe
a little danger is as bad as the real, known harm of her not knowing
why and whether the way things are at our house are cool and special.
Some of her friendships she maintains even though she thinks the
parenting is arbitrary and irresponsible and she sees it backfiring
in ways the parents don't see. It will make her a better parent.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
On Nov 21, 2008, at 7:16 AM, aspire4higher2008 wrote:
little less sure that the way things are now are the way things will
always be. You could have, at the time said, "Let's just back off of
this friendship for now." Then he could try it again (maybe just to
test whether the fact that it had been temporarily broken off might
have made a difference).
together - figure out what often went wrong and how he might handle it
this time. Maybe offer to role play a little - "What do you think you
might say to him if he badmouths your family?"
Why has he not made friends from scouts or other activities? Have you
tried inviting any over to your house?
-pam
> Was I wrong in the decision I though "we" made?Maybe you could have made it less permanent. It can pay off to be a
little less sure that the way things are now are the way things will
always be. You could have, at the time said, "Let's just back off of
this friendship for now." Then he could try it again (maybe just to
test whether the fact that it had been temporarily broken off might
have made a difference).
> SHould he try it again?If that is what he wants to do, support his interest. Brainstorm
together - figure out what often went wrong and how he might handle it
this time. Maybe offer to role play a little - "What do you think you
might say to him if he badmouths your family?"
> Or should I help him move on? I'm just not sure what I should do.Support his interests. Help him get what he wants.
Why has he not made friends from scouts or other activities? Have you
tried inviting any over to your house?
-pam
John and Amanda Slater
On Nov 21, 2008, at 7:16 AM, aspire4higher2008 wrote:
AmandaEli 7, Samuel 6
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> SHould he try it again?We have own our "problem" neighbor. We just make sure to stay in the room with the boys, or at least in earshot. It might be easier at younger ages, but your son could suggest playing in the living room instead of his bedroom. Maybe even invite the child to play a game with all of you.
AmandaEli 7, Samuel 6
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]