swissarmy_wife

Our unschooling journey began as a reaction. It began as a reaction
to a horrible public school experience. That was years ago. Our
journey has evolved into something entirely natural now.

My question is, for those who had a child in the PS system and began
homeschooling because of it. Have you noticed residual effects? I
notice that Skylar, 10, still has emotional issues tied to school,
some he doesn't realize, some really bother him.

He was emotionally beat down and I'm wondering if that will always be
there? Will he always be bothered by how many times he was sent to
the principals office? Or publicly embarrassed by a teacher? I
wonder at what age he might begin to be able to see unschooling for
what it is. I guess that's a matter of "when he is ready". But will
he see it when he has children? Or will he see it as a teenager?

I realize that my questions may not be expressed well, and that they
may not be answered. But it's something I'm a little concerned about
and wondering how it's worked out for others. Thanks.

Sandra Dodd

-=-He was emotionally beat down and I'm wondering if that will always be
there? Will he always be bothered by how many times he was sent to
the principals office? Or publicly embarrassed by a teacher? I
wonder at what age he might begin to be able to see unschooling for
what it is.-=-

"Unschooling for what it is" is problematical. It's not for my kids
what it might've been for me. Kirby said "I have no basis for
comparison" when someone asked him if he liked it better than school
once.

Instead of polluting the present with your concerns about the past
and the future, how about reminding yourself that many very happy
todays are the best bet for balancing out emotional beat-down. Let
that go. Don't let the embarrassment affect you today.



Since starting over isn't an option for you, maybe instead of
comparing the vector you foresee (or that you want us to help you see
more clearly) to him as a hypothetical school-free boy, how about
looking at what he has with unschooling compared to what he would
have if he were still in school?

Then you'll feel more confident, I think.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

lifeislearning

Just wondering whether this question is about the child's residual
effects or about the parent wanting confirmation that they've done the
right thing to "fix" the problem? Don't take that personally, please,
I just thought it might be an interesting side-note to this issue,
because I have wondered, in regards to my thirteen year old, who has
never been to school but who knows lots of school kids, whether she
"gets" unschooling. She isn't interested in talking about it at all,
and she doesn't identify herself that way. It bothered me, until I
realized my issue was to some degree more about whether she would
feel, later, that I made good choices for her by choosing unschooling
over a schoolish way of life. I think I wanted some sort of
validation from her, which is totally not fair.

Barb


--- In [email protected], "swissarmy_wife"
<heatherbean@...> wrote:
>
> Our unschooling journey began as a reaction. It began as a reaction
> to a horrible public school experience. That was years ago. Our
> journey has evolved into something entirely natural now.
>
> My question is, for those who had a child in the PS system and began
> homeschooling because of it. Have you noticed residual effects? I
> notice that Skylar, 10, still has emotional issues tied to school,
> some he doesn't realize, some really bother him.
>
> He was emotionally beat down and I'm wondering if that will always be
> there? Will he always be bothered by how many times he was sent to
> the principals office? Or publicly embarrassed by a teacher? I
> wonder at what age he might begin to be able to see unschooling for
> what it is. I guess that's a matter of "when he is ready". But will
> he see it when he has children? Or will he see it as a teenager?
>
> I realize that my questions may not be expressed well, and that they
> may not be answered. But it's something I'm a little concerned about
> and wondering how it's worked out for others. Thanks.
>

Jenny C

> My question is, for those who had a child in the PS system and began
> homeschooling because of it. Have you noticed residual effects? I
> notice that Skylar, 10, still has emotional issues tied to school,
> some he doesn't realize, some really bother him.


Here's an excerpt from Dragonfly's blog. You are not alone. It doesn't
necessarily answer your question, but apparently this is true for other
kids too.

"Well, we are coming up on six years of homeschooling. The girls are 16
and 14. And do you know what? We are still seeing the effects of that
time they spent in school. Chloe is an instinctive mathematician who
before school used to beg us to give her story problems to do. Then came
the awful day when she came home from school and announced that she
hated math. She is only now getting over her resistance to "formal" math
(as opposed to real life math, which she does all the time).

As you might imagine, my strongest advice to you as parents of young
children is "Don't send your kids to school." Any school, public or
private, can lead to the kind of damage we've seen in our kids. We
thought trying school would be a harmless experiment, something we could
change our minds about if needed, but we did lasting harm to our kids'
curiosity and natural joy in learning."

The post is mostly about convincing someone to NOT send their kids to
school and it has some local stuff at the bottom. I know she wrote
"homeschooling" in there, but they are a family who unschool and
Dragonfly's been writing on various message boards for a while.

You can read the full post if you want here:


http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/
<http://zombieprincess.blogspot.com/>


> I realize that my questions may not be expressed well, and that they
> may not be answered. But it's something I'm a little concerned about
> and wondering how it's worked out for others. Thanks.


Neither of my girls have been to school, so I'm not really the best one
to answer this. I see kids all around me that are school damaged. I
see kids that survive in spite of school and parents. I see kids that
are crushed by school and family and I wonder if they will survive. It
can be mind numbing if I think about it too much.

What helps is to look at how wonderful and awesome my kids are and let
that other stuff fade into the background.

Perhaps you could view this as any other kind of life altering event,
know that it will always be there somewhere, but it doesn't have to be
the focus of living.




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Neither of my girls have been to school, so I'm not really the
best one
to answer this. I see kids all around me that are school damaged.-=-



I see adults all around me, some my age and some younger, and older,
with scars from school.

I could examine them minutely and get all depressed, or I could turn
the other way and come back online and help people learn to be sweet,
peaceful parents.



My mother was damaged by school.

My dad was crushed by school.

They both tried to help me so that school didn't crush me.

I did what I could do for my kids, too.

I'm working on the assumption that moving toward viable, rich
unschooling and finding ways to nurture our kids is the goal of
everyone here. Nobody grows up without any regrets at all, as far
as I know. The best we can do is to make more peaceful choices.

http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

swissarmy_wife

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

> "Unschooling for what it is" is problematical.

Yeah totally. That is problematical. It's interesting how as a parent
unschooling is "something", but as a child it's organic in nature. So
yeah, he may never see it as I do. I'm not hoping he will either. So
that's good.

> Instead of polluting the present with your concerns about the past
> and the future, how about reminding yourself that many very happy
> todays are the best bet for balancing out emotional beat-down.

Well, polluting seems a little strong of a word. It was a curiosity
for other's experiences that brought me here. It surely doesn't
pollute the present.

> Then you'll feel more confident, I think.

My confidence is less and issue than his. I'm not wishing his
experiences were different. My confidence in unschooling is on stable
ground. His wavers a little. He still has thoughts of needing to
"measure up" to some invisible standard. But we help with those as
they come.

I think I should have remembered before I posted that one's previous
experiences shape who they are today. That his experiences may affect
him negatively today, but may affect him positively tomorrow. i maybe
should look to my own life and the decisions I've made despite some
emotional baggage.

Love it when I answer my own questions.

swissarmy_wife

--- In [email protected], "lifeislearning"
<barb.jeffress@...> wrote:
>
> Just wondering whether this question is about the child's residual
> effects or about the parent wanting confirmation that they've done the
> right thing to "fix" the problem?

I'm only answering because you said you were wondering. It's
certainly not about confirmation. In no way am I trying to fix him.
He is who he is who he is. :-)

>Don't take that personally, please,

never. <G>

> I just thought it might be an interesting side-note to this issue,
> because I have wondered, in regards to my thirteen year old, who has
> never been to school but who knows lots of school kids, whether she
> "gets" unschooling. She isn't interested in talking about it at
all, and she doesn't identify herself that way.

This is something though. I have secretly wondered in the past why he
wasn't as proud to be an unschooler as I was! But it's obvious
really. He's young and unsure of a lot of things in his life, never
mind the fact that he is part of a very small percentage of kids who
don't attend school.

Jenny C

> This is something though. I have secretly wondered in the past why he
> wasn't as proud to be an unschooler as I was! But it's obvious
> really. He's young and unsure of a lot of things in his life, never
> mind the fact that he is part of a very small percentage of kids who
> don't attend school.


One thing that really helps kids, and reluctant spouses, are
conferences. When a kid is young and unsure, then meets a whole bunch
of other kids, doing what they are doing, it's very life affirming!
There is something about knowing your not alone, unschoolers are very
much the minority, so it can feel that way sometimes!

Both of my girls have really enjoyed going to the conferences that we've
been to. Each time, it's been eye opening for both of them.