Listening to our children
prism7513
Another mom mentioned this as a cute thing her 2.5 year old son says:
"My bed is sad because it doesn't want me to sleep in it. It wants me
to sleep in Mommy & Daddy's bed!"
I wonder how many other things children say to express their desires
that gets written off as "cute" and then dismissed...
Which is why I give my kids the benefit of the doubt when they tell me
"my tummy hurts." They might mean something different, like "I'm
hungry" or "I'm tired," so I try to watch and see what they need, vs.
just "You're fine, eat your food" or something worse that I've seen
others do.
I can remember at least two instances where my mom did not understand
why I was screaming, and both times I had significant physical
injuries (well, not ER type injuries, but enough that a scream wasn't
an expected reaction.)
But it hurt that she first accused me of being loud instead of trying
to discover what actually happened.
Deb
"My bed is sad because it doesn't want me to sleep in it. It wants me
to sleep in Mommy & Daddy's bed!"
I wonder how many other things children say to express their desires
that gets written off as "cute" and then dismissed...
Which is why I give my kids the benefit of the doubt when they tell me
"my tummy hurts." They might mean something different, like "I'm
hungry" or "I'm tired," so I try to watch and see what they need, vs.
just "You're fine, eat your food" or something worse that I've seen
others do.
I can remember at least two instances where my mom did not understand
why I was screaming, and both times I had significant physical
injuries (well, not ER type injuries, but enough that a scream wasn't
an expected reaction.)
But it hurt that she first accused me of being loud instead of trying
to discover what actually happened.
Deb
Jenny C
> I wonder how many other things children say to express their desiresEven in the absense of out and out meanness that I see, this is more
> that gets written off as "cute" and then dismissed...
>
> Which is why I give my kids the benefit of the doubt when they tell me
> "my tummy hurts." They might mean something different, like "I'm
> hungry" or "I'm tired," so I try to watch and see what they need, vs.
> just "You're fine, eat your food" or something worse that I've seen
> others do.
subtle, yet still disrespectful. It's traditional parenting all the
way. For some reason traditional parenting causes parents to ignore
their basic parenting instincts. It's this huge layer of stuff that
gets inbetween a parent and child relationship that is really so basic
in nature.
Treating children with respect and really listening, from that early
age, is what I see that directly leads to teens that are respectful and
kind and really great!
Angela Shaw
<For some reason traditional parenting causes parents to ignore
their basic parenting instincts. >
Today I was in a store and a woman had a child in the cart, maybe 3 years
old. The child was crying and the mom in a sing song voice said to him,
"Are you having a melt down?" I was so saddened. I guess I shelter myself
enough in general that I don't hear that type of outright disrespect very
frequently. I hear the more subtle type and see all the ignoring that goes
on but not that. And I see it more with teens since I have a teen and a
pre-teen. I can't imagine not listening to my children.
angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
their basic parenting instincts. >
Today I was in a store and a woman had a child in the cart, maybe 3 years
old. The child was crying and the mom in a sing song voice said to him,
"Are you having a melt down?" I was so saddened. I guess I shelter myself
enough in general that I don't hear that type of outright disrespect very
frequently. I hear the more subtle type and see all the ignoring that goes
on but not that. And I see it more with teens since I have a teen and a
pre-teen. I can't imagine not listening to my children.
angela
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-The child was crying and the mom in a sing song voice said to him,
"Are you having a melt down?" I was so saddened. I guess I shelter
myself
enough in general that I don't hear that type of outright disrespect
very
frequently. I hear the more subtle type and see all the ignoring that
goes
on but not that. -=-
Maybe she thought she was "acknowledging his feelings" or
communicating peacefully with him. She might feel it was a better
choice than threatening to hit him, or just hit him, or yell at him,
and it was better than those.
Some of the recommended scripts over the years have been things that
seemed to be more like training for the mom than ANY benefit to the
child. Maybe I'm wrong, but when a mom says "I think you're angry,"
I'd hate to be the kid, especially if "NO SHIT, EINSTEIN!" (or maybe
"y'think so, Freud!?") wasn't an appropriate kid response.
When one of my kids was angry I didn't tell him so. I might say "If
you're too angry to deal with it, maybe walk around a bit to get the
adrenaline down." Something practical. Not a yah/duh "You seem to
be angry." Help or get out of the way, I think.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
"Are you having a melt down?" I was so saddened. I guess I shelter
myself
enough in general that I don't hear that type of outright disrespect
very
frequently. I hear the more subtle type and see all the ignoring that
goes
on but not that. -=-
Maybe she thought she was "acknowledging his feelings" or
communicating peacefully with him. She might feel it was a better
choice than threatening to hit him, or just hit him, or yell at him,
and it was better than those.
Some of the recommended scripts over the years have been things that
seemed to be more like training for the mom than ANY benefit to the
child. Maybe I'm wrong, but when a mom says "I think you're angry,"
I'd hate to be the kid, especially if "NO SHIT, EINSTEIN!" (or maybe
"y'think so, Freud!?") wasn't an appropriate kid response.
When one of my kids was angry I didn't tell him so. I might say "If
you're too angry to deal with it, maybe walk around a bit to get the
adrenaline down." Something practical. Not a yah/duh "You seem to
be angry." Help or get out of the way, I think.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
Yeh I've tried talking about feelings and found it to be pretty much
ridiculous ineffective and unhelpful. I'm glad I ran into Raising Our
Children Raising Ourselves (with the emphasis on raising ourselves, for me
anyway).
Kids are so direct and I agree with a lot that Naomi says about that and
also not telling kids what they feel. If I ask Karl is he mad (because
sometimes there seems to be more going on) he has been known to say that
he's *not* mad but SAD and other things like "no! I'm fine." very calmly,
when I mistake excitement and maybe a need for food as anger or
aggravation.
It's not that hard for some people (me!) to misread feelings. Heck I
know I'm not Einstein. ;) But there are ways to get around that problem.
If you're not fluent in body language or kid-ese, Naomi's book might be a
good start at becoming fluent. Well and for that matter so are the
unschooling lists and Sandra and Joyce's websites. If you don't know, you
can find out. Yay!
http://sandradodd.com/unschooling
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
~Katherine
ridiculous ineffective and unhelpful. I'm glad I ran into Raising Our
Children Raising Ourselves (with the emphasis on raising ourselves, for me
anyway).
Kids are so direct and I agree with a lot that Naomi says about that and
also not telling kids what they feel. If I ask Karl is he mad (because
sometimes there seems to be more going on) he has been known to say that
he's *not* mad but SAD and other things like "no! I'm fine." very calmly,
when I mistake excitement and maybe a need for food as anger or
aggravation.
It's not that hard for some people (me!) to misread feelings. Heck I
know I'm not Einstein. ;) But there are ways to get around that problem.
If you're not fluent in body language or kid-ese, Naomi's book might be a
good start at becoming fluent. Well and for that matter so are the
unschooling lists and Sandra and Joyce's websites. If you don't know, you
can find out. Yay!
http://sandradodd.com/unschooling
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
~Katherine
On 10/16/08, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> Some of the recommended scripts over the years have been things that
> seemed to be more like training for the mom than ANY benefit to the
> child. Maybe I'm wrong, but when a mom says "I think you're angry,"
> I'd hate to be the kid, especially if "NO SHIT, EINSTEIN!" (or maybe
> "y'think so, Freud!?") wasn't an appropriate kid response.
>
> When one of my kids was angry I didn't tell him so. I might say "If
> you're too angry to deal with it, maybe walk around a bit to get the
> adrenaline down." Something practical. Not a yah/duh "You seem to
> be angry." Help or get out of the way, I think.
>
> Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
> When one of my kids was angry I didn't tell him so. I might say "IfIf I said something like that (I'm quoting myself), they could say
> you're too angry to deal with it, maybe walk around a bit to get the
> adrenaline down." Something practical.
"I'm not really angry, I'm just frustrated" or something. It's not a
guaranteed read.
If I'm clearly frustrated and someone "soothingly" says I seem to be
frustrated, I breathe and work on not saying "You seem to be an
idiot," though. In my experience "Can I help?" isn't a bad response
to someone's frustration or anger. If they say no, at least you
offered. If they burst into tears or give you a task, that's better
than nothing, usually. If someone offers to help, I can say "No, but
thanks" and it reminds me that my fury or frustration isn't helping
others around me.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
emiLy Q.
> <For some reason traditional parenting causes parents to ignoreOh my - me too. I was at Target today, all excited to be there by myself
> their basic parenting instincts. >
>
>
> Today I was in a store and a woman had a child in the cart, maybe 3 years
> old. The child was crying and the mom in a sing song voice said to him,
> "Are you having a melt down?" I was so saddened. I guess I shelter myself
> enough in general that I don't hear that type of outright disrespect very
> frequently. I hear the more subtle type and see all the ignoring that goes
> on but not that. And I see it more with teens since I have a teen and a
> pre-teen. I can't imagine not listening to my children.
without my kids LOL and I heard a newborn WAILING while the mother pushed
the cart around lazily saying "Oh, you're OK..." I almost cried.
-emiLy, mom to Delia (4.5) & Henry (1)
Happy Pottying!
http://www.HappyPottying.com