Helping kids get along
Samantha Stopple
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I so I could use some suggestions for helping kids get
along.
What do you do when two kids are fighting for a toy?
If I am in the room and I see a kid going to take
something from another I say " I see Jack is playing
with the car now" That is usually enough and I can
help the other find another toy. Yet if they really
want it I suggest that they can ask the the other kid
if the can play with it. If that kid says no then no
means no and I help the kids who wanted the car find
something else or otherwise distract them.
What do you do when the kids really dig in and nothing
else is okay as a substitute?
What if you didn't see who had it first. If kids say
that I am more often at a loss of what to do....
Sometimes I come into the fray after someone has taken
something from someone and I don't want to take it
back because that seems to me to me to be modeling
grabbing exactly what just happened already...Usually
I support the kids who wants the toy back by saying
you can request the toy back. If the other says no I
don't know what do....It seems not okay for somone to
take the toy away and seems not okay for me to take it
back....
Anyway I could sure use some other ideas how to go
about this or another way to look at it so I could
find all those x,y,z ways to react calmly to help the
kids.
Remembering when ds-3yrs took a ball that was offered
to him kind of at a Tube Town kind of place. Seconds
afterwards the kid about 18 mo wanted it back. The dad
redirected the 18mo old to another ball and the kid
was fine. Thats probably what I would have done if the
18mo was mine. I wouldn't have has a problem with it.
I wonder if the Dad wished I had done more...I said to
my ds something like I think the little on wants the
ball back but he didn't want to give it back. So if I
am supposed to help him give it back which I am not
sure I am...but if I am how do you do that
respectfully?
I generally strive to see myself as the facilitator of
getting along rather than the judge and jury... I do
need to be present for interactions maybe more than
other parents need to because my dd has a very intense
temperament. I also wonder when parents say we stay
out of their kids squabbles. Because if I do that it
can get really intense and hurtful...Parents who stay
on the sidelines are you facilitating or are you
really staying out of it or do you think you have more
even tempered kids?
Samantha
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I so I could use some suggestions for helping kids get
along.
What do you do when two kids are fighting for a toy?
If I am in the room and I see a kid going to take
something from another I say " I see Jack is playing
with the car now" That is usually enough and I can
help the other find another toy. Yet if they really
want it I suggest that they can ask the the other kid
if the can play with it. If that kid says no then no
means no and I help the kids who wanted the car find
something else or otherwise distract them.
What do you do when the kids really dig in and nothing
else is okay as a substitute?
What if you didn't see who had it first. If kids say
that I am more often at a loss of what to do....
Sometimes I come into the fray after someone has taken
something from someone and I don't want to take it
back because that seems to me to me to be modeling
grabbing exactly what just happened already...Usually
I support the kids who wants the toy back by saying
you can request the toy back. If the other says no I
don't know what do....It seems not okay for somone to
take the toy away and seems not okay for me to take it
back....
Anyway I could sure use some other ideas how to go
about this or another way to look at it so I could
find all those x,y,z ways to react calmly to help the
kids.
Remembering when ds-3yrs took a ball that was offered
to him kind of at a Tube Town kind of place. Seconds
afterwards the kid about 18 mo wanted it back. The dad
redirected the 18mo old to another ball and the kid
was fine. Thats probably what I would have done if the
18mo was mine. I wouldn't have has a problem with it.
I wonder if the Dad wished I had done more...I said to
my ds something like I think the little on wants the
ball back but he didn't want to give it back. So if I
am supposed to help him give it back which I am not
sure I am...but if I am how do you do that
respectfully?
I generally strive to see myself as the facilitator of
getting along rather than the judge and jury... I do
need to be present for interactions maybe more than
other parents need to because my dd has a very intense
temperament. I also wonder when parents say we stay
out of their kids squabbles. Because if I do that it
can get really intense and hurtful...Parents who stay
on the sidelines are you facilitating or are you
really staying out of it or do you think you have more
even tempered kids?
Samantha
__________________________________________________
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Send your FREE holiday greetings online!
http://greetings.yahoo.com
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In a message dated 12/9/01 12:38:38 PM, sammimag@... writes:
<< What do you do when the kids really dig in and nothing
else is okay as a substitute? >>
What I did when they were little:
Lift the encroaching kid up and out of the situation (physically) and
distract him with something useful, needed (help get wood, help feed the cat,
look at a nest, SOMETHING real), and when he calms down take him back to the
play area and say "Marty wants to be next with that farmer, please."
I say farmer because once there were other little kids over, and the Fisher
Price stuff was out--big deal town, people, furniture, houses, enough for
everybody, but at that moment the farmer was IT. The only character.
Everyone wanted him, to touch him, to be him. There was pulling, yelling,
crying. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I remember a couple of the
kids were in the kitchen and a couple or three were in the bedroom. I had
Phase II planned out and was all proud of my Henry Kissinger-like strategy,
but then NOBODY wanted to play that anymore, they were SO happy with the
temporary distractions that the farmer had become of no value or allure
whatsoever.
Poor farmer.
(A few years later, Holly would not play Fisher Price unless she had the
baby. The baby was the game and the others were supporting characters for
the Life of the Baby.)
Our next big problem was the computer. The kids were two and five or so when
Marty got old enough to want to play baby games. We made a rule which stands
to this day, for adults and all. Whoever has it has it as long as he wants.
When he's done the next-declared person takes it for as long as he wants.
The rule when they were little was "no begging, no bugging" but now that
they're older, it's okay to say "I need to leave at 6:00 and would like to
check my e-mail" or short negotations.
It works for us.
Sandra
<< What do you do when the kids really dig in and nothing
else is okay as a substitute? >>
What I did when they were little:
Lift the encroaching kid up and out of the situation (physically) and
distract him with something useful, needed (help get wood, help feed the cat,
look at a nest, SOMETHING real), and when he calms down take him back to the
play area and say "Marty wants to be next with that farmer, please."
I say farmer because once there were other little kids over, and the Fisher
Price stuff was out--big deal town, people, furniture, houses, enough for
everybody, but at that moment the farmer was IT. The only character.
Everyone wanted him, to touch him, to be him. There was pulling, yelling,
crying. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I remember a couple of the
kids were in the kitchen and a couple or three were in the bedroom. I had
Phase II planned out and was all proud of my Henry Kissinger-like strategy,
but then NOBODY wanted to play that anymore, they were SO happy with the
temporary distractions that the farmer had become of no value or allure
whatsoever.
Poor farmer.
(A few years later, Holly would not play Fisher Price unless she had the
baby. The baby was the game and the others were supporting characters for
the Life of the Baby.)
Our next big problem was the computer. The kids were two and five or so when
Marty got old enough to want to play baby games. We made a rule which stands
to this day, for adults and all. Whoever has it has it as long as he wants.
When he's done the next-declared person takes it for as long as he wants.
The rule when they were little was "no begging, no bugging" but now that
they're older, it's okay to say "I need to leave at 6:00 and would like to
check my e-mail" or short negotations.
It works for us.
Sandra
Samantha Stopple
-> << What do you do when the kids really dig in and
don't always know. The easier kid to pick up and take
away most of the time is the 3yo. 6 yo doesn't liked
to be picked up and take away. I can distract her with
a book sometimes. What if the encroaching kid is still
holding the object of desire. Did you ever pry it out
of clenched hands or wait for him/her to let it go
give it back? What happened if the other kid din't
want to give it to Marty? More distraction stuff to do
with Marty?
best by real life examples. I have a handle on the
getting the philosophy of letting go and honoring kids
yet it could still use how does that look in real
life. Respecting kids and helping them get along
peacefully with each other.
I had
diplomat than others? Struggling to remember why is he
important but don't remember why...
the kid who isn't able to speak up for themselves well
yet. Then they decide they are all fine can get
along..
it away when friends were over...what? We have special
toys that the kids don't have to share.
everything. If someone is playing with something that
doesn't really lend itself for playing together or
they wanting to play alone they get to until they are
done. It has led to more sharing and more getting
along. I remember dd 5th bday she didn't want ds
playing with ANYTHING she got. It lasted at least 8mo
with only a few times of her bringing things out to
play with her brother briefly. This year she got
things for her bday and immediately handed her prized
Raichu stuffed animal to her brother to hold and
snuggle.
happen did it?
When did you anyone respond here... stop needing to
step in so much when did that change? Whatever the age
I think I'll tack on a few years for good measure :)
Samantha
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> nothingDid you always know who was the encroaching kid? I
> else is okay as a substitute? >>
>
> What I did when they were little:
>
> Lift the encroaching kid up and out of the situation
> (physically) and
> distract him with something useful, needed (help get
> wood, help feed the cat,
> look at a nest, SOMETHING real), and when he calms
> down take him back to the
> play area and say "Marty wants to be next with that
> farmer, please."
don't always know. The easier kid to pick up and take
away most of the time is the 3yo. 6 yo doesn't liked
to be picked up and take away. I can distract her with
a book sometimes. What if the encroaching kid is still
holding the object of desire. Did you ever pry it out
of clenched hands or wait for him/her to let it go
give it back? What happened if the other kid din't
want to give it to Marty? More distraction stuff to do
with Marty?
>If you were to do it today what would you do. I learn
> I say farmer because once there were other little
> kids over, and the Fisher
> Price stuff was out--big deal town, people,
> furniture, houses, enough for
> everybody, but at that moment the farmer was IT.
> The only character.
> Everyone wanted him, to touch him, to be him. There
> was pulling, yelling,
> crying. I don't remember exactly what I did, but I
> remember a couple of the
> kids were in the kitchen and a couple or three were
> in the bedroom.
best by real life examples. I have a handle on the
getting the philosophy of letting go and honoring kids
yet it could still use how does that look in real
life. Respecting kids and helping them get along
peacefully with each other.
I had
> Phase II planned out and was all proud of my HenryWhat is Henry Kissinger like strategy. Was he a better
> Kissinger-like strategy,
diplomat than others? Struggling to remember why is he
important but don't remember why...
> but then NOBODY wanted to play that anymore, theyThis happens to me too. I get them distracted support
> were SO happy with the
> temporary distractions that the farmer had become of
> no value or allure
> whatsoever.
the kid who isn't able to speak up for themselves well
yet. Then they decide they are all fine can get
along..
> (A few years later, Holly would not play FisherSo was that her Fisher Price piece mostly? Did she put
> Price unless she had the
> baby. The baby was the game and the others were
> supporting characters for
> the Life of the Baby.)
it away when friends were over...what? We have special
toys that the kids don't have to share.
>We do that for the computer and as a general rule for
> Our next big problem was the computer. The kids
> were two and five or so when
> Marty got old enough to want to play baby games. We
> made a rule which stands
> to this day, for adults and all. Whoever has it has
> it as long as he wants.
everything. If someone is playing with something that
doesn't really lend itself for playing together or
they wanting to play alone they get to until they are
done. It has led to more sharing and more getting
along. I remember dd 5th bday she didn't want ds
playing with ANYTHING she got. It lasted at least 8mo
with only a few times of her bringing things out to
play with her brother briefly. This year she got
things for her bday and immediately handed her prized
Raichu stuffed animal to her brother to hold and
snuggle.
> When he's done the next-declared person takes it forThat didn't mean that begging and bugging didn't
> as long as he wants.
> The rule when they were little was "no begging, no
> bugging"
happen did it?
When did you anyone respond here... stop needing to
step in so much when did that change? Whatever the age
I think I'll tack on a few years for good measure :)
Samantha
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Send your FREE holiday greetings online!
http://greetings.yahoo.com
[email protected]
In a message dated 12/9/01 4:38:05 PM, sammimag@... writes:
<< If you were to do it today what would you do. I learn
best by real life examples. >>
Same thing. Distract them with other things, separate them. In that case, I
forgot to say, there was so much confusion that I claimed the farmer until we
could figure out a good way to handle it. The kids didn't even know who
should have had it. The person with the farm and the tractor had a good
claim on needing the farmer. The kid who had him in hand didn't have farm
equipment.
The fight wasn't about the toy, it was about feelings. As soon as feelings
were better "it" the situation was better.
<<That didn't mean that begging and bugging didn't
happen did it? >>
Yes. Begging and bugging quit almost immediately and forever. Kirby tried
sneaky a couple of times to intimidate Marty but I'd calmly say that maybe
Kirby should just wait until tomorrow. When the choice started to look like
"after Marty" or "tomorrow," Kirby was motivated to find something else to do.
<<When did you anyone respond here... stop needing to
step in so much when did that change? >>
Gradually from three to grown. I still step in sometimes and Kirby is
fifteen and Marty's nearly 13. Sometimes when there's underlying
frustration, or someone's sick, or angry at other factors (often not even
something in the house), they don't make the best choices. To protect
property and safety, I'll intervene (artfully if possible, subtly at best,
and bluntly at worst).
Sandra
<< If you were to do it today what would you do. I learn
best by real life examples. >>
Same thing. Distract them with other things, separate them. In that case, I
forgot to say, there was so much confusion that I claimed the farmer until we
could figure out a good way to handle it. The kids didn't even know who
should have had it. The person with the farm and the tractor had a good
claim on needing the farmer. The kid who had him in hand didn't have farm
equipment.
The fight wasn't about the toy, it was about feelings. As soon as feelings
were better "it" the situation was better.
<<That didn't mean that begging and bugging didn't
happen did it? >>
Yes. Begging and bugging quit almost immediately and forever. Kirby tried
sneaky a couple of times to intimidate Marty but I'd calmly say that maybe
Kirby should just wait until tomorrow. When the choice started to look like
"after Marty" or "tomorrow," Kirby was motivated to find something else to do.
<<When did you anyone respond here... stop needing to
step in so much when did that change? >>
Gradually from three to grown. I still step in sometimes and Kirby is
fifteen and Marty's nearly 13. Sometimes when there's underlying
frustration, or someone's sick, or angry at other factors (often not even
something in the house), they don't make the best choices. To protect
property and safety, I'll intervene (artfully if possible, subtly at best,
and bluntly at worst).
Sandra
[email protected]
<<I'll intervene (artfully if possible, subtly at best,
and bluntly at worst).
Sandra>>
You? BLUNT? never. :o)
Elissa
and bluntly at worst).
Sandra>>
You? BLUNT? never. :o)
Elissa
Jennifer Deets
I like the range of possibilities, Sandra. Sometimes we don't have the luxury of enough time to go through all of the explanations about why you need to get your cute little behind out of the street so that big ole dumptruck can roar on by.
When I was in the Army, I went to a lot of trouble to create situations in which soldiers in my platoon could see me making decisions while taking them as human beings into consideration. This way, when it came time to issue an order without much explanation, they knew me and knew they could trust me, and would execute the order knowing that when we had time, I would tell them what I knew. Too bad my commander didn't like my style of leadership!
Jennifer
To protect property and safety, I'll intervene (artfully if possible, subtly at best, and bluntly at worst).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
When I was in the Army, I went to a lot of trouble to create situations in which soldiers in my platoon could see me making decisions while taking them as human beings into consideration. This way, when it came time to issue an order without much explanation, they knew me and knew they could trust me, and would execute the order knowing that when we had time, I would tell them what I knew. Too bad my commander didn't like my style of leadership!
Jennifer
To protect property and safety, I'll intervene (artfully if possible, subtly at best, and bluntly at worst).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]