Hema A. Bharadwaj

Ah... yes... ok Sandra. Thanks for clarifying.

I want to work towards a balance between 'kid needs' and 'mom needs'. fyi:
With kids who are still young.... mine are 2.5 and 5.5.

Since my days are too full to find enough comp time to pursue a good
discussion online.... i thought i'd ask for links to past threads, similar
topic essays etc. Not really quotes. This way i can print out and read at
leisure :-)

Now i understand the confusion i created by pasting that part of Joyce's
site. The link i was referring to:
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/takingcareofownneeds.html

Dhanyavaad :-)
Hema


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Joyce Fetteroll

On Sep 26, 2008, at 11:21 PM, Hema A. Bharadwaj wrote:

> I want to work towards a balance between 'kid needs' and 'mom
> needs'. fyi:
> With kids who are still young.... mine are 2.5 and 5.5.

The first and most obvious thing is working towards acceptance that
*right now* your mom needs aren't going to get met as much as you
might like.

It seems like a little thing, but mental shifts can actually be a
huge thing. Fighting against the idea that little kids are needy of
mom, only adds more frustration. When we accept that "This is where I
am *for now*," it makes the process of finding solutions a lot
easier. When we hold onto expectations that aren't likely to be met,
it just adds to the burden.

If you don't *expect* your needs to get met now while your kids are
young, then when your needs are met it feels like a bonus :-)

Kids *do* grow up. Their needs next week, next year, in five years
won't be the same as they are right now.

Sometimes it rains. Getting angry about the rain, getting angry that
it isn't sunny just adds more misery. This is obvious *and yet* it's
so easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking. Somehow it feels
satisfying to release the anger and let the universe know we're
angry. But it doesn't help. In the moment it might feel like a pot
letting off steam, but in the long run it's really just adding steam
to an already steamy room. It's good to work at letting go of the
frustration at what we can't change to help us help ourselves, so we
aren't getting in the way of our own happiness.

And what helps even more than letting go of the frustration and anger
is seeking out the good and the parts you love about right now. And
when your thoughts start heading down a negative path, refocus on the
good. Look at the delighted smiles on their faces. See the world
through their eyes. Look at their tiny fingers. Find ways to be
delighted. That will help you not need as much away from them for
this time period when they need you.

That doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. Can you find someone
who can take them for a regular period each week? Can you get up a
little earlier and have some alone time?

Do you have specific needs? Maybe someone has some ideas. I know the
cultures a bit different, but you never know. And something someone
says might help you see things in a new way and help you see a
solution that would work for you. So, maybe don't look directly at
their solutions, but try to see how they're maybe seeing the problem
from a different angle than you are.

Joyce

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Sandra Dodd

-=-> I want to work towards a balance between 'kid needs' and 'mom
> needs'. fyi:
> With kids who are still young.... mine are 2.5 and 5.5.-=-



Hema,

When mine were that little, we had a neighbor who was 12. Her family
was a Christian homeschooling family and she had two little sisters
and a curriculum and a ton of housework. She was truly thrilled at
my offer of $3 an hour to come and be a mother's helper. I met her
when we came home from the hospital with Holly. They had just moved
to the neighborhood, and she followed us in to ask if she could look
at the baby.

Her name was Amy, and she was a part of our lives until her parents
divorced and the family was scattered.

Maybe you could try out a few possible mothers' helpers in exchange
for cash or art lessons or something, and if you find a good one that
your kids come to love and trust, you're golden!



Sandra

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k

>>>>>>>>Sometimes it rains. Getting angry about the rain, getting angry that

it isn't sunny just adds more misery. This is obvious *and yet* it's
so easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking. Somehow it feels
satisfying to release the anger and let the universe know we're
angry. But it doesn't help. In the moment it might feel like a pot
letting off steam, but in the long run it's really just adding steam
to an already steamy room. It's good to work at letting go of the
frustration at what we can't change to help us help ourselves, so we
aren't getting in the way of our own happiness. And what helps even
more than letting go of the frustration and anger is seeking out the
good and the parts you love about right now.<<<<<<<

Another Joyce gem. Great great stuff. :)

~Katherine


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Hema A. Bharadwaj

Grand idea Sandra...
We have had a similar solution pan out :-) A young girl called Roopa has
become a part of the family almost... kids seem to like her.... mostly Z
likes to play one-on-one with her. So i get some time with Raghu alone...
usually able to give him 100% then. Has led to some great ideas and
projects.

Also had a funny law of attraction moment... dh was able to take friday off
and m-i-l came to stay a couple of days... and voila... i had some time to
myself... and the kids were thrilled.

So i'm golden for now... enough energy stashed away for those rainy days.
Hema

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When mine were that little, we had a neighbor who was 12. Her family
was a Christian homeschooling family and she had two little sisters
and a curriculum and a ton of housework. She was truly thrilled at
my offer of $3 an hour to come and be a mother's helper. I met her
when we came home from the hospital with Holly. They had just moved
to the neighborhood, and she followed us in to ask if she could look
at the baby.

Her name was Amy, and she was a part of our lives until her parents
divorced and the family was scattered.

Maybe you could try out a few possible mothers' helpers in exchange
for cash or art lessons or something, and if you find a good one that
your kids come to love and trust, you're golden!

Sandra
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Hema A. Bharadwaj
http://thebharadwajknights.blogspot.com/


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Hema A. Bharadwaj

Hello Joyce,
Love your website... I send the link to anyone who asks "unschooling? what
is it you do with the kids all day?" :-)

Have written below:
------------------------------------------------------------
*The first and most obvious thing is working towards acceptance that
*right now* your mom needs aren't going to get met as much as you
might like.*
---------------------------------------------------------
True.... "right now" just overwhelms me sometimes and the lack of outside
input... no friends really, lack of resources... libraries etc... tend to
color my views and make my day seem longer than it is. But acceptance of it
all, as it is, is important.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*It seems like a little thing, but mental shifts can actually be a
huge thing. Fighting against the idea that little kids are needy of
mom, only adds more frustration. When we accept that "This is where I
am *for now*," it makes the process of finding solutions a lot
easier. When we hold onto expectations that aren't likely to be met,
it just adds to the burden.*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I could not agree more. thanks for reminding me of this.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*If you don't *expect* your needs to get met now while your kids are
young, then when your needs are met it feels like a bonus :-)

Kids *do* grow up. Their needs next week, next year, in five years
won't be the same as they are right now.
*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True. And there are lovely growing-up moments all the time... that make me
aware of the fleeting nature of it all.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Sometimes it rains. Getting angry about the rain, getting angry that
it isn't sunny just adds more misery. This is obvious *and yet* it's
so easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking. Somehow it feels
satisfying to release the anger and let the universe know we're
angry. But it doesn't help. In the moment it might feel like a pot
letting off steam, but in the long run it's really just adding steam
to an already steamy room. It's good to work at letting go of the
frustration at what we can't change to help us help ourselves, so we
aren't getting in the way of our own happiness.*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Funny...i say this to my 5.5 yr old... when he complains about the heat..
and then i help channel his energy elsewhere. Well, I should use some of
this myself :-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*And what helps even more than letting go of the frustration and anger
is seeking out the good and the parts you love about right now. And
when your thoughts start heading down a negative path, refocus on the
good. Look at the delighted smiles on their faces. See the world
through their eyes. Look at their tiny fingers. Find ways to be
delighted. That will help you not need as much away from them for
this time period when they need you.

That doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. Can you find someone
who can take them for a regular period each week? Can you get up a
little earlier and have some alone time?*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like i posted a few min ago... have found a young girl to play with my 2.5
year old... who seems to really like her. so feeling more golden than i
have in ages. And the waking up earlier has been happening... just that
once i'm up... the 5.5 yr old tends to wake up.... and loves early morning
reading and attention. rare for him to be in bed no matter how late he
sleeps... if the sun is up, so is he :-O

But i get your drift.. ... and shall focus on the moment's delight and not
the rain. Don't like myself for wanting time away from them... makes me feel
like i'm failing them. Besides due to Dh not being around... he plays catch
up every w'end... and the kids prefer me to be around even when dh is
available. helps smooth out the various areas that were not radically
unschooled before... and now are. and dh is still only beginning to get it
:-)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Do you have specific needs? Maybe someone has some ideas. I know the
cultures a bit different, but you never know. And something someone
says might help you see things in a new way and help you see a
solution that would work for you. So, maybe don't look directly at
their solutions, but try to see how they're maybe seeing the problem
from a different angle than you are.*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is a good point. I shall have to write when i have time and compelte
concentration. My lack of concentration due to the ages of the kids and
their needs.... makes me wary of starting a thread online. Mostly... need a
few more months here before the kids agree to move about a bit by
themselves... or have friends whom they can play with without me around
etc.. At present i have to be in the same room mostly.

Thank you Joyce!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
Hema A. Bharadwaj
http://thebharadwajknights.blogspot.com/


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