Kid's social issue- Need advice - Long
lyeping2008
How do you let someone down gently without making it ugly? i'm in a
social situation whereby the mother is kinda ok, but the kid's not.
8 months ago, we have made friends with another homeschooling
family - mother with 10 yr old son. Initially, DS like this kid
enough to want to play with him, so we organised playdates on and
off. We have had a few sleep over before at our house, but it's
quite disasterous so I never repeat it again.
Plus i believed he was going thru some deschooling (at that time,
just out of school) of some sort, so having this kid over is hard
work - he's really loud and boistorous and swears alot and i do
believe him to be rude. One time, he critised my driving, all the
way his house to my house, a 40 minutes drive thru town, during
after office hour!! LOL! When i told his mum about it, she didn't
even apologised, but just acknowlded that he is the back seat
driver. So, yes, it does stresses me and my hubby out alot when he's
here LOL!
But because DS likes him, i had to entertain DS's request for this
friend to come over. The reason we're always having playdates in our
house is because this family's house is digustingly dirty. I'm not
being snotty but would you sent your kid over if there's broken
glass on the floor, remains of a long ago broken window pane, or
dead rats brought in by the cats, still scattered at the entrance
hall, tumb tacks lying around, and I have yet to see the floor being
swept in all the time I've known them. Sorry, i'm not being fussy or
choosy, but i would rather have my kid at home because my kid likes
to play on floors.
But in the past few weeks, it's finally sinking into DS that this
kid is constantly upsetting him. For a start, my kid hates it when
this kid swears at anything, and sometimes including him. DS has a
chat with his friend and even after promising he'll try not to swear
so much, he's still doing it.
And the few times we went over to them, DS always gets upset because
he claimed his friend is not being very nice, and doesn't treat him
like a visiting guest, wouldn't let him play the games he wants to
play, and one time told DS to "shut up" when he just switch off the
Indiana Jones movie that DS was wathcing half way thru.
Now, DS has always been taught to be nice to guest, and that guests
alway get first preferance when they are in our house. If we don't
feel like being nice to anyone, we don't invite anyone home. So DS
thought it was really not fair when this kid visit us, DS is being
the polite host, but it's not vice versa. So DS is beginning to not
like this kid so much.
I try not to interfere, hoping and allowing DS to resolve his own
friednship(which he ahsn't got many anyway) issue. The last few
times me and DS had a chat about this, i suggested DS to talk to his
friend about it, which DS did, and it kinda work for a while.
But this afternnon at the park with a few more newly made friends
from the HE groups, something happened and DS is adamant he doesn't
want this kid to come over anymore. He doesn't wanna be friends
anymore with this kid. It does seems like this time, it's for real
because DS is adamant that this kid has no consideration about other
people's feelings, because "he keep trying to spoil the game for
everyone". DS maintained this kid wouldn't listen and wouldnt' stop
when everyone told him to stop aggresively hitting the big log that
they were playing on. DS maintained this kid does not respect him at
all because he is still swearing, and that this kid is very selfish,
think of himself only and DS said he doesn't want this kind of
friend.
My response was we all have weird characters, and perhaps this
friend cannot control himself that well, when he's excited. Yes, he
swears but it doesn't mean that he's bad because we know he's not. I
suggested perhaps this kid is just goin thru some issues. But
anyhow, i told him i'll respect whatever decision he'll make about
this kid, but i did urged him to give it a few days of thought
before deciding. I also left him with the advice of that if we like
a friend, we should be tolerant and accpeting of thier short
comings, just as he(DS) would like other people to be tolerant and
accpeting of his differences.
DS is still angry and adamant he doesn't want them visiting.
Now this kid has been asking to come over many times, especially
earlier this morning during the HomeEd group. How am I to tell the
mum tomorrow (we have another common Home-ed group to attend) that
DS doesn't want them coming over, because they will suggest coming
over after the group? This mum is quite a sensitive person, easily
offended and very very defensive.
Last time when I tried to tell her what happened during the sleep
over, how her son was still jumping up and down shouting away at
11.30pm and how another time we nearly lost him in Legoland because
HE decided he'll go check out some other rides on his own- it didn't
go down well. When I tried hint to her about how stressful it was
with her kid, and that I might not be in contact so much because of
this, she never once apologised or acknowledge that she understood.
Once this kid even had a asthma attack at 1am in the morning!! When
I called the mother, she deny the kid's got asthma, she kept
saying "this is un-usual, it's never happened before" but it was
clearly the kid was wheezing very loudly, and I shoudl know because
I'm asthmatic. When she heard this, she suggested that I give him
some puffs off my inhaler because he has done it before with hers!!!
I do feel very bad for the child because i really felt it's not fair
for this kid to lose a friend because of his behaviour, and i don't
want this kid to lose self esteem (very fragile) because of his
behaviour again (same reason why he's so unpopular in previous
school).
So how can I distance myself without making this ugly?
Thanks for reading.
SharonC
social situation whereby the mother is kinda ok, but the kid's not.
8 months ago, we have made friends with another homeschooling
family - mother with 10 yr old son. Initially, DS like this kid
enough to want to play with him, so we organised playdates on and
off. We have had a few sleep over before at our house, but it's
quite disasterous so I never repeat it again.
Plus i believed he was going thru some deschooling (at that time,
just out of school) of some sort, so having this kid over is hard
work - he's really loud and boistorous and swears alot and i do
believe him to be rude. One time, he critised my driving, all the
way his house to my house, a 40 minutes drive thru town, during
after office hour!! LOL! When i told his mum about it, she didn't
even apologised, but just acknowlded that he is the back seat
driver. So, yes, it does stresses me and my hubby out alot when he's
here LOL!
But because DS likes him, i had to entertain DS's request for this
friend to come over. The reason we're always having playdates in our
house is because this family's house is digustingly dirty. I'm not
being snotty but would you sent your kid over if there's broken
glass on the floor, remains of a long ago broken window pane, or
dead rats brought in by the cats, still scattered at the entrance
hall, tumb tacks lying around, and I have yet to see the floor being
swept in all the time I've known them. Sorry, i'm not being fussy or
choosy, but i would rather have my kid at home because my kid likes
to play on floors.
But in the past few weeks, it's finally sinking into DS that this
kid is constantly upsetting him. For a start, my kid hates it when
this kid swears at anything, and sometimes including him. DS has a
chat with his friend and even after promising he'll try not to swear
so much, he's still doing it.
And the few times we went over to them, DS always gets upset because
he claimed his friend is not being very nice, and doesn't treat him
like a visiting guest, wouldn't let him play the games he wants to
play, and one time told DS to "shut up" when he just switch off the
Indiana Jones movie that DS was wathcing half way thru.
Now, DS has always been taught to be nice to guest, and that guests
alway get first preferance when they are in our house. If we don't
feel like being nice to anyone, we don't invite anyone home. So DS
thought it was really not fair when this kid visit us, DS is being
the polite host, but it's not vice versa. So DS is beginning to not
like this kid so much.
I try not to interfere, hoping and allowing DS to resolve his own
friednship(which he ahsn't got many anyway) issue. The last few
times me and DS had a chat about this, i suggested DS to talk to his
friend about it, which DS did, and it kinda work for a while.
But this afternnon at the park with a few more newly made friends
from the HE groups, something happened and DS is adamant he doesn't
want this kid to come over anymore. He doesn't wanna be friends
anymore with this kid. It does seems like this time, it's for real
because DS is adamant that this kid has no consideration about other
people's feelings, because "he keep trying to spoil the game for
everyone". DS maintained this kid wouldn't listen and wouldnt' stop
when everyone told him to stop aggresively hitting the big log that
they were playing on. DS maintained this kid does not respect him at
all because he is still swearing, and that this kid is very selfish,
think of himself only and DS said he doesn't want this kind of
friend.
My response was we all have weird characters, and perhaps this
friend cannot control himself that well, when he's excited. Yes, he
swears but it doesn't mean that he's bad because we know he's not. I
suggested perhaps this kid is just goin thru some issues. But
anyhow, i told him i'll respect whatever decision he'll make about
this kid, but i did urged him to give it a few days of thought
before deciding. I also left him with the advice of that if we like
a friend, we should be tolerant and accpeting of thier short
comings, just as he(DS) would like other people to be tolerant and
accpeting of his differences.
DS is still angry and adamant he doesn't want them visiting.
Now this kid has been asking to come over many times, especially
earlier this morning during the HomeEd group. How am I to tell the
mum tomorrow (we have another common Home-ed group to attend) that
DS doesn't want them coming over, because they will suggest coming
over after the group? This mum is quite a sensitive person, easily
offended and very very defensive.
Last time when I tried to tell her what happened during the sleep
over, how her son was still jumping up and down shouting away at
11.30pm and how another time we nearly lost him in Legoland because
HE decided he'll go check out some other rides on his own- it didn't
go down well. When I tried hint to her about how stressful it was
with her kid, and that I might not be in contact so much because of
this, she never once apologised or acknowledge that she understood.
Once this kid even had a asthma attack at 1am in the morning!! When
I called the mother, she deny the kid's got asthma, she kept
saying "this is un-usual, it's never happened before" but it was
clearly the kid was wheezing very loudly, and I shoudl know because
I'm asthmatic. When she heard this, she suggested that I give him
some puffs off my inhaler because he has done it before with hers!!!
I do feel very bad for the child because i really felt it's not fair
for this kid to lose a friend because of his behaviour, and i don't
want this kid to lose self esteem (very fragile) because of his
behaviour again (same reason why he's so unpopular in previous
school).
So how can I distance myself without making this ugly?
Thanks for reading.
SharonC
Laura Beaudin
Before dealing with the issues of this friendship (which I don't feel
qualified to comment on), I'd worry more about his well-being.
If you're convinced he is asthmatic and have seen his home as flthy
as you describe it, I'd consider contacting Youth Protective
Services. This is unhealthy and if that's the lifestyle he has, I'd
bet that there's a lot more to that family that you don't know about.
Seems like he's being neglected.If a mother can't sweep her own homw
and kick out dead rats, how does she raise her son!?!
Laura
At 04:02 PM 25/09/2008, you wrote:
Visit Practical Homeschooling and view our September contest for a
chance to win free paint-me puzzles!
Practical Homeschooling: http://www.practical-homeschooling.org
Works in Progress: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/Laura.Beaudin
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
qualified to comment on), I'd worry more about his well-being.
If you're convinced he is asthmatic and have seen his home as flthy
as you describe it, I'd consider contacting Youth Protective
Services. This is unhealthy and if that's the lifestyle he has, I'd
bet that there's a lot more to that family that you don't know about.
Seems like he's being neglected.If a mother can't sweep her own homw
and kick out dead rats, how does she raise her son!?!
Laura
At 04:02 PM 25/09/2008, you wrote:
>How do you let someone down gently without making it ugly? i'm in aDon't let school get in the way of your education!" --unknown
>social situation whereby the mother is kinda ok, but the kid's not.
>
Visit Practical Homeschooling and view our September contest for a
chance to win free paint-me puzzles!
Practical Homeschooling: http://www.practical-homeschooling.org
Works in Progress: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/Laura.Beaudin
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
I've seen a lot of different conditions in the homes of people and some
might not neglect beyond crappy conventional parenting and being dirty
around the house (sign of depression I think). I'd hate to think of an
already sad family made sadder by my noseyness unless it's absolutely
necessary. I remember a kid in particular in school. He might have been
abused but I don't know... he didn't seem that unhappy about it. He always
smelled of dirty soiled undies and sniffed his nose constantly like he could
really use some help getting clean. Seemed to me to have a pretty good
outlook though, even if he was mean occasionally. He mostly kept to
himself. I think he managed not to end up in a foster home away from his
family, whoever they were.
~Katherine
might not neglect beyond crappy conventional parenting and being dirty
around the house (sign of depression I think). I'd hate to think of an
already sad family made sadder by my noseyness unless it's absolutely
necessary. I remember a kid in particular in school. He might have been
abused but I don't know... he didn't seem that unhappy about it. He always
smelled of dirty soiled undies and sniffed his nose constantly like he could
really use some help getting clean. Seemed to me to have a pretty good
outlook though, even if he was mean occasionally. He mostly kept to
himself. I think he managed not to end up in a foster home away from his
family, whoever they were.
~Katherine
On 9/26/08, Laura Beaudin <laura.beaudin@...> wrote:
>
> Before dealing with the issues of this friendship (which I don't feel
> qualified to comment on), I'd worry more about his well-being.
>
> If you're convinced he is asthmatic and have seen his home as flthy
> as you describe it, I'd consider contacting Youth Protective
> Services. This is unhealthy and if that's the lifestyle he has, I'd
> bet that there's a lot more to that family that you don't know about.
> Seems like he's being neglected.If a mother can't sweep her own homw
> and kick out dead rats, how does she raise her son!?!
>
> Laura
>
> At 04:02 PM 25/09/2008, you wrote:
>
> >How do you let someone down gently without making it ugly? i'm in a
> >social situation whereby the mother is kinda ok, but the kid's not.
> >
>
> Don't let school get in the way of your education!" --unknown
> Visit Practical Homeschooling and view our September contest for a
> chance to win free paint-me puzzles!
> Practical Homeschooling: http://www.practical-homeschooling.org
> Works in Progress: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/Laura.Beaudin
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
<<<So how can I distance myself without making this ugly?>>>
This sounds like a very painful situation. I have been in one before too. I
don't think that you can control whether something gets ugly, since you
can't control another person's reaction. It's probably no good to try to
help with the obvious parenting problems unless the other mom has asked for
it. Is there really any way to say "we don't like your child" without it
being painful?
That being said, all you can do is be as kind and brief as you can. With the
mom you might try something like, "They aren't a good fit at the moment." I
would avoid getting drawn in to revealing details, unless you want to take
on the character of an intervention. With the boy...gosh that's even harder.
How much do you want to take on in telling the boy about his own behavior
now, when it's kinda too late? How about "We are going to take a break from
playdates for a little while." I'd keep a sharp eye on him if he comes to
parkday, be a close presence even if it means missing out on the
mom-chatting, since he might react badly to the restriction. He already
sounds like he has a bunch of anger with no safe outlet.
I'm sure she knows her house is dirty. She may be in denial about the extent
or the real effects of her house. I wonder if it would be taken well if you
and some of the other moms were to say to the dirty one, "It looks like you
have gotten a bit overwhelmed with your house. Can we come and help?" and do
a group clean up day....I don't know. They sound like a candidate for that
BBCA tv show "How Clean Is Your House?" In that they bring in a crew of
about 6 or 7 people to clean and professional carpet cleaners. They show the
homemaker various tricks, and help them make a schedule for themselves. Also
they send swabs and dead bugs "to the lab" to tangibly demonstrate the
health dangers of having mold and carrion about. It always makes me feel two
things - way better about my house in general, and eager to do some
cleaning.
<<<<> I try not to interfere, hoping and allowing DS to resolve his own
interfere a long time ago, so that it never got to the situation that it is
now. The other boy probably needed any directive to come from an authority
figure - the parent. I would suggest you say very firmly, "It bothers us
when you use that kind of language. Please find better words." Also if the
backseat driving bothered me and he didn't stop when asked, I would pull the
car over. "I really don't need your help driving. I'll drive on when you are
ready to be quiet (or talk about something else)." I'm guessing he hears
adults in his family doing it. If a child doesn't have empathy or doesn't
know how to behave kindly, he needs more instruction, more explanation of
our boundaries - even if we wouldn't need to direct our own unschooled
children in that way.
I would absolutely not leave it up to Jayn to tell one of her visitors about
something that was bothering me. I would not leave it up to Jayn to enforce
or even express such restrictions on behavior as we have for guests in our
home. I would be a much closer presence during visits.
I understand how tempting it is to just let a relationship with an
uncongenial child or family implode, as seems to have happened now. Then you
never have to deal with your own feelings of repugnance. I'm going through
it some - BUT I know that Jayn's affection for kids (even those I may not
like) means that she will struggle to keep the relationship going until it
gets to disaster and ends badly, instead of just coming to a place of
equilibrium and reasonable peace. I have come to the conclusion that it is
best to be honest about my misgivings about a child's character, but also to
ask Jayn what she thinks, and what she needs from me.
I have taken on the responsibility to do whatever I can to help the
playdates be pleasant. Equilibrium might mean that we only meet at parks or
outings or our house, or that I make myself a much more visible presence, or
that I ask for something very specific from the other mom. (EG to avoid
using well meaning but vague words like "later" but instead be really clear
that they will be home too late to play tonight.)
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
This sounds like a very painful situation. I have been in one before too. I
don't think that you can control whether something gets ugly, since you
can't control another person's reaction. It's probably no good to try to
help with the obvious parenting problems unless the other mom has asked for
it. Is there really any way to say "we don't like your child" without it
being painful?
That being said, all you can do is be as kind and brief as you can. With the
mom you might try something like, "They aren't a good fit at the moment." I
would avoid getting drawn in to revealing details, unless you want to take
on the character of an intervention. With the boy...gosh that's even harder.
How much do you want to take on in telling the boy about his own behavior
now, when it's kinda too late? How about "We are going to take a break from
playdates for a little while." I'd keep a sharp eye on him if he comes to
parkday, be a close presence even if it means missing out on the
mom-chatting, since he might react badly to the restriction. He already
sounds like he has a bunch of anger with no safe outlet.
I'm sure she knows her house is dirty. She may be in denial about the extent
or the real effects of her house. I wonder if it would be taken well if you
and some of the other moms were to say to the dirty one, "It looks like you
have gotten a bit overwhelmed with your house. Can we come and help?" and do
a group clean up day....I don't know. They sound like a candidate for that
BBCA tv show "How Clean Is Your House?" In that they bring in a crew of
about 6 or 7 people to clean and professional carpet cleaners. They show the
homemaker various tricks, and help them make a schedule for themselves. Also
they send swabs and dead bugs "to the lab" to tangibly demonstrate the
health dangers of having mold and carrion about. It always makes me feel two
things - way better about my house in general, and eager to do some
cleaning.
<<<<> I try not to interfere, hoping and allowing DS to resolve his own
> friednship(which he ahsn't got many anyway) issue. The last fewIn the interests of the future - I'm thinking your son needed you to
> times me and DS had a chat about this, i suggested DS to talk to his
> friend about it, which DS did, and it kinda work for a while.>>>
interfere a long time ago, so that it never got to the situation that it is
now. The other boy probably needed any directive to come from an authority
figure - the parent. I would suggest you say very firmly, "It bothers us
when you use that kind of language. Please find better words." Also if the
backseat driving bothered me and he didn't stop when asked, I would pull the
car over. "I really don't need your help driving. I'll drive on when you are
ready to be quiet (or talk about something else)." I'm guessing he hears
adults in his family doing it. If a child doesn't have empathy or doesn't
know how to behave kindly, he needs more instruction, more explanation of
our boundaries - even if we wouldn't need to direct our own unschooled
children in that way.
I would absolutely not leave it up to Jayn to tell one of her visitors about
something that was bothering me. I would not leave it up to Jayn to enforce
or even express such restrictions on behavior as we have for guests in our
home. I would be a much closer presence during visits.
I understand how tempting it is to just let a relationship with an
uncongenial child or family implode, as seems to have happened now. Then you
never have to deal with your own feelings of repugnance. I'm going through
it some - BUT I know that Jayn's affection for kids (even those I may not
like) means that she will struggle to keep the relationship going until it
gets to disaster and ends badly, instead of just coming to a place of
equilibrium and reasonable peace. I have come to the conclusion that it is
best to be honest about my misgivings about a child's character, but also to
ask Jayn what she thinks, and what she needs from me.
I have taken on the responsibility to do whatever I can to help the
playdates be pleasant. Equilibrium might mean that we only meet at parks or
outings or our house, or that I make myself a much more visible presence, or
that I ask for something very specific from the other mom. (EG to avoid
using well meaning but vague words like "later" but instead be really clear
that they will be home too late to play tonight.)
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Maybe his house is dirty but he is loved by his parents.Would he be happier in foster care on a clean house without them?
That would be the question I would ask myself.
My house gets nesty dirty many times.
It does not mean that I neglect my kids.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
That would be the question I would ask myself.
My house gets nesty dirty many times.
It does not mean that I neglect my kids.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lyeping2008
Hi everyone,
Many thanks for your replies. I'm sorry to say this. I thought I'll
have the chance to gather everyone's view here before approaching
her some other day. Unfortunately, other than reading the Laura's
first reply, i didn't have the wisdom i needed, when the opportunity
arises today, for me and this mom to have a quiet chat. I guessed I
ws so stressed with her son baraging me about coming to my house, in
front of everyone, and me, kinda lost for words for I really didn't
know how to lie to this kid anymore. When the opportunity arises to
speak to her privately, I felt i just had to speak to her and tell
her the reason we're not doing anymore playdates or sleepover, and
to bring up the issues betweem our kids, and I supposed I was hoping
she'll say she understand and will speak to her son about it, and
hopefully we'll be able to work this out.
No, it didn;t happen. She insisted that her kid is not wrong, and
she blamed the Grand Theft Auto for her kid's swearing (so this is a
personal poke at me because it is thru my kid's playing that she's
convinced that it's ok for her son to play too, despite her earlier
misgivings about GTA), and she think's I should talk to my kid about
being not so sensitive (double poke!!). When I'm brought up the
suggestion that maybe she needs to talk to her kid about
consideration for other people's feelings and the consequences of
his actions and swearings (because it is obvious now that she and
her kid is no longer welcome in quite a number household tho I
didn't tell her.) She thinks that I ws imposing my ideas upon her
when she didn't need it - in not many words, I'm such a high and
mighty bi**h.
Well, i supposed i know where we both stand now. At least I don't
have to continue giving excuses out or avoid them.
I am hurting and confused because I didn't realised how intrusive I
was to her. As I'm writing this, I am crying but I dont'know why.
Maybe it's the shock of it all. Thank you for your replies and
support, it is giving me big comfort now to read it, knowing that
it's only common sense to do what I had to do. Yes, I agree, my kid
couldn't have possibly handle this well.
On the subject of abuse - This kid is very much loved by his mum,
which is perhaps why she's so defensive, and blinkered with her
views. It is true a dirty house is no indication of abuse or
neglect. It's just the way they live, and they are happy about it,
and I have always respected that. It's just that I didn't want my
son rolling on such dirty and dangerous floor.
Once again, I just want everyone to know how grateful I am for your
replies, despite the fact I've acted, before reading most fo them.
Hugs,
SharonBugs.
Many thanks for your replies. I'm sorry to say this. I thought I'll
have the chance to gather everyone's view here before approaching
her some other day. Unfortunately, other than reading the Laura's
first reply, i didn't have the wisdom i needed, when the opportunity
arises today, for me and this mom to have a quiet chat. I guessed I
ws so stressed with her son baraging me about coming to my house, in
front of everyone, and me, kinda lost for words for I really didn't
know how to lie to this kid anymore. When the opportunity arises to
speak to her privately, I felt i just had to speak to her and tell
her the reason we're not doing anymore playdates or sleepover, and
to bring up the issues betweem our kids, and I supposed I was hoping
she'll say she understand and will speak to her son about it, and
hopefully we'll be able to work this out.
No, it didn;t happen. She insisted that her kid is not wrong, and
she blamed the Grand Theft Auto for her kid's swearing (so this is a
personal poke at me because it is thru my kid's playing that she's
convinced that it's ok for her son to play too, despite her earlier
misgivings about GTA), and she think's I should talk to my kid about
being not so sensitive (double poke!!). When I'm brought up the
suggestion that maybe she needs to talk to her kid about
consideration for other people's feelings and the consequences of
his actions and swearings (because it is obvious now that she and
her kid is no longer welcome in quite a number household tho I
didn't tell her.) She thinks that I ws imposing my ideas upon her
when she didn't need it - in not many words, I'm such a high and
mighty bi**h.
Well, i supposed i know where we both stand now. At least I don't
have to continue giving excuses out or avoid them.
I am hurting and confused because I didn't realised how intrusive I
was to her. As I'm writing this, I am crying but I dont'know why.
Maybe it's the shock of it all. Thank you for your replies and
support, it is giving me big comfort now to read it, knowing that
it's only common sense to do what I had to do. Yes, I agree, my kid
couldn't have possibly handle this well.
On the subject of abuse - This kid is very much loved by his mum,
which is perhaps why she's so defensive, and blinkered with her
views. It is true a dirty house is no indication of abuse or
neglect. It's just the way they live, and they are happy about it,
and I have always respected that. It's just that I didn't want my
son rolling on such dirty and dangerous floor.
Once again, I just want everyone to know how grateful I am for your
replies, despite the fact I've acted, before reading most fo them.
Hugs,
SharonBugs.
Sandra Dodd
I'm going to bring the last part up top.
-=-I do feel very bad for the child because i really felt it's not fair
for this kid to lose a friend because of his behaviour, and i don't
want this kid to lose self esteem (very fragile) because of his
behaviour again (same reason why he's so unpopular in previous
school).-=-
There is no better reason to lose a friend than over one's behavior.
There is no better reason to lose self esteem than one's behavior.
-=-One time, he critised my driving, all the
way his house to my house, a 40 minutes drive thru town, during
after office hour!! LOL! When i told his mum about it, she didn't
even apologised, but just acknowlded that he is the back seat
driver.-=-
Why talk to his mom about it? She wasn't even in the car. Tell the
kid to be quiet while you're driving, and mean it.
-=-The reason we're always having playdates in our house is because
this family's house is digustingly dirty.-=-
Why not at a public place? A park? Miniature golf? Hiking? Picnic?
-=- I'm not being snotty but would you sent your kid over if there's
broken
glass on the floor, remains of a long ago broken window pane, or
dead rats brought in by the cats, still scattered at the entrance
hall, tumb tacks lying around, and I have yet to see the floor being
swept in all the time I've known them. Sorry, i'm not being fussy or
choosy, but i would rather have my kid at home because my kid likes
to play on floors.-=-
This is too much information if you're also going to say "sorry" and
"not fussy or choosy."
First, I wouldn't "send" my kid to play where she didn't want to play
at all. Would I allow her to play in a dangerous place? If she
wanted to, and if there was a way for her to contact me to come and
get her the moment she was unhappy with it, sure. I have.
-=-i would rather have my kid at home because my kid likes to play on
floors.-=-
Does your kid like to play on dead rats, thumb tacks and broken
glass? I seriously doubt it.
-=-For a start, my kid hates it when this kid swears at anything, and
sometimes including him. DS has a chat with his friend and even after
promising he'll try not to swear so much, he's still doing it.-=-
Your child asked you for help. Telling the kid to talk to the other
kid might not be the kind of help he wanted. Stick around close
enough to hear what they say, and stop the kid every time he says
something you don't want said. That's mom help. Or tell your kid
to let it slide. But sending a child to do a mom's job doesn't seem
the best thing.
-=-Now, DS has always been taught to be nice to guest, and that guests
alway get first preferance when they are in our house. If we don't
feel like being nice to anyone, we don't invite anyone home. So DS
thought it was really not fair when this kid visit us, DS is being
the polite host, but it's not vice versa.-=-
If your policy is to give guests their preferences, that makes you
good hosts. You can't enforce that on other people, though. Life
isn't "fair."
-=-DS maintained this kid wouldn't listen and wouldnt' stop when
everyone told him to stop aggresively hitting the big log that they
were playing on.-=-
Where were the parents?
-=-. But
anyhow, i told him i'll respect whatever decision he'll make about
this kid, but i did urged him to give it a few days of thought
before deciding.-=-
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Kids get older and wiser, or
older and worse, but you don't need to decide this week whether
you'll never see him again. You could have a few months off without
a permanent, lifelong decision.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
-=-I do feel very bad for the child because i really felt it's not fair
for this kid to lose a friend because of his behaviour, and i don't
want this kid to lose self esteem (very fragile) because of his
behaviour again (same reason why he's so unpopular in previous
school).-=-
There is no better reason to lose a friend than over one's behavior.
There is no better reason to lose self esteem than one's behavior.
-=-One time, he critised my driving, all the
way his house to my house, a 40 minutes drive thru town, during
after office hour!! LOL! When i told his mum about it, she didn't
even apologised, but just acknowlded that he is the back seat
driver.-=-
Why talk to his mom about it? She wasn't even in the car. Tell the
kid to be quiet while you're driving, and mean it.
-=-The reason we're always having playdates in our house is because
this family's house is digustingly dirty.-=-
Why not at a public place? A park? Miniature golf? Hiking? Picnic?
-=- I'm not being snotty but would you sent your kid over if there's
broken
glass on the floor, remains of a long ago broken window pane, or
dead rats brought in by the cats, still scattered at the entrance
hall, tumb tacks lying around, and I have yet to see the floor being
swept in all the time I've known them. Sorry, i'm not being fussy or
choosy, but i would rather have my kid at home because my kid likes
to play on floors.-=-
This is too much information if you're also going to say "sorry" and
"not fussy or choosy."
First, I wouldn't "send" my kid to play where she didn't want to play
at all. Would I allow her to play in a dangerous place? If she
wanted to, and if there was a way for her to contact me to come and
get her the moment she was unhappy with it, sure. I have.
-=-i would rather have my kid at home because my kid likes to play on
floors.-=-
Does your kid like to play on dead rats, thumb tacks and broken
glass? I seriously doubt it.
-=-For a start, my kid hates it when this kid swears at anything, and
sometimes including him. DS has a chat with his friend and even after
promising he'll try not to swear so much, he's still doing it.-=-
Your child asked you for help. Telling the kid to talk to the other
kid might not be the kind of help he wanted. Stick around close
enough to hear what they say, and stop the kid every time he says
something you don't want said. That's mom help. Or tell your kid
to let it slide. But sending a child to do a mom's job doesn't seem
the best thing.
-=-Now, DS has always been taught to be nice to guest, and that guests
alway get first preferance when they are in our house. If we don't
feel like being nice to anyone, we don't invite anyone home. So DS
thought it was really not fair when this kid visit us, DS is being
the polite host, but it's not vice versa.-=-
If your policy is to give guests their preferences, that makes you
good hosts. You can't enforce that on other people, though. Life
isn't "fair."
-=-DS maintained this kid wouldn't listen and wouldnt' stop when
everyone told him to stop aggresively hitting the big log that they
were playing on.-=-
Where were the parents?
-=-. But
anyhow, i told him i'll respect whatever decision he'll make about
this kid, but i did urged him to give it a few days of thought
before deciding.-=-
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Kids get older and wiser, or
older and worse, but you don't need to decide this week whether
you'll never see him again. You could have a few months off without
a permanent, lifelong decision.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-If a mother can't sweep her own homw
and kick out dead rats, how does she raise her son!?!-=-
Neither we nor child protective services should assume that a
description of a situation is absolutely factual and objective.
Let's talk about unschooling and leave the secondary and tertiary
stories where they are. It's a big world, and the list is already a
flood these days.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and kick out dead rats, how does she raise her son!?!-=-
Neither we nor child protective services should assume that a
description of a situation is absolutely factual and objective.
Let's talk about unschooling and leave the secondary and tertiary
stories where they are. It's a big world, and the list is already a
flood these days.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=I'm thinking your son needed you to
interfere a long time ago, so that it never got to the situation that
it is
now. The other boy probably needed any directive to come from an
authority
figure - the parent. I would suggest you say very firmly, "It bothers us
when you use that kind of language. Please find better words." Also
if the
backseat driving bothered me and he didn't stop when asked, I would
pull the
car over. "I really don't need your help driving.-=-
Robyn had already written some of what I recommended. I'm sorry to
be repetitive. I got two days behind on e-mail and am not catching
up in an orderly fashion.
One good thing about two people saying the same thing, though... it
must be true. <bwg> (Not really, but it sounds good sometimes to
think it.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
interfere a long time ago, so that it never got to the situation that
it is
now. The other boy probably needed any directive to come from an
authority
figure - the parent. I would suggest you say very firmly, "It bothers us
when you use that kind of language. Please find better words." Also
if the
backseat driving bothered me and he didn't stop when asked, I would
pull the
car over. "I really don't need your help driving.-=-
Robyn had already written some of what I recommended. I'm sorry to
be repetitive. I got two days behind on e-mail and am not catching
up in an orderly fashion.
One good thing about two people saying the same thing, though... it
must be true. <bwg> (Not really, but it sounds good sometimes to
think it.)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]