school conversation
graberamy
I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread. But, since
this is the only place I know of where kids have a choice on whether to
go to school or not, I'm gonna ask here.
Lydia (11) started public school this year, mainly to meet more friends.
Homeschoolers, especially unschoolers are few and far between here and
most that we know are not quite as outgoing as Lydia. Anyway, she's
been in school for almost 3 weeks and is making a lot of friends and
enjoying that aspect of it.
What she doesn't like is school itself (shocker...I know... [;)] ). She
has sooo much homework and well, I won't go into all the pointless,
mindless, worthless stuffs she's doing. I'm guessing you all have a
pretty good idea about it.
She's exhausted. This is a busy girl. After and 8 hour day, she did
homework, went to 2 hours of cheerleading and then came home and went to
her good friends house a couple doors down. A little before ten I
called her (cause she usually hits the hay by ten) just to make sure
nothing happened on the way home. She was already on her way and just
lost track of time.
When she got home she just started crying and wanting to be held. She
still "had to" take a shower, and clean the guinnea pigs cage and pick
out her clothes and she said " I just don't want to go to school!" I
said, showe r in the morning, dad already did the cage, I'll pick out
your clothes and you don't have to go to school.
She was so tired and it wasn't a good time to really talk. But we
chatted a little about her choices. She said she really likes the
friends at school but she just doesn't know what to do. I suggest she
takes tomorrow off and she ended up wanting to go cause she's having a
sleep over at one of her friends houses.
But I want to talk to her some more this weekend. I don't know if I
should encourage her to quit, encourage her to give it some more time or
encourage her to dual enroll (in Iowa you can dual enroll and pick and
chose what you'd like to take)???? Selfishly, I want her to quit. But,
I don't know if I can find the social stuff during the day for her. We
go to park days (which she doesn't really want to do anymore), and had
joined scouts, 4-H (both of which she's had enough of) but her close
friends from homeschooling have all gone to school. We also joined a
teen group but no real good matches there. We will keep trying however!
I'm not giving up, I just want her to be happy and fulfilled. I just
don't want it to seem like we haven't been trying!
Ultimately it's her choice, I know, it's just so hard watching her be so
exhausted, getting so drained and really not finding the happiness she
wants!
I'm guessing there are no magic words, I guess I'm just wondering how
this process worked for others?
amy g
iowa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
this is the only place I know of where kids have a choice on whether to
go to school or not, I'm gonna ask here.
Lydia (11) started public school this year, mainly to meet more friends.
Homeschoolers, especially unschoolers are few and far between here and
most that we know are not quite as outgoing as Lydia. Anyway, she's
been in school for almost 3 weeks and is making a lot of friends and
enjoying that aspect of it.
What she doesn't like is school itself (shocker...I know... [;)] ). She
has sooo much homework and well, I won't go into all the pointless,
mindless, worthless stuffs she's doing. I'm guessing you all have a
pretty good idea about it.
She's exhausted. This is a busy girl. After and 8 hour day, she did
homework, went to 2 hours of cheerleading and then came home and went to
her good friends house a couple doors down. A little before ten I
called her (cause she usually hits the hay by ten) just to make sure
nothing happened on the way home. She was already on her way and just
lost track of time.
When she got home she just started crying and wanting to be held. She
still "had to" take a shower, and clean the guinnea pigs cage and pick
out her clothes and she said " I just don't want to go to school!" I
said, showe r in the morning, dad already did the cage, I'll pick out
your clothes and you don't have to go to school.
She was so tired and it wasn't a good time to really talk. But we
chatted a little about her choices. She said she really likes the
friends at school but she just doesn't know what to do. I suggest she
takes tomorrow off and she ended up wanting to go cause she's having a
sleep over at one of her friends houses.
But I want to talk to her some more this weekend. I don't know if I
should encourage her to quit, encourage her to give it some more time or
encourage her to dual enroll (in Iowa you can dual enroll and pick and
chose what you'd like to take)???? Selfishly, I want her to quit. But,
I don't know if I can find the social stuff during the day for her. We
go to park days (which she doesn't really want to do anymore), and had
joined scouts, 4-H (both of which she's had enough of) but her close
friends from homeschooling have all gone to school. We also joined a
teen group but no real good matches there. We will keep trying however!
I'm not giving up, I just want her to be happy and fulfilled. I just
don't want it to seem like we haven't been trying!
Ultimately it's her choice, I know, it's just so hard watching her be so
exhausted, getting so drained and really not finding the happiness she
wants!
I'm guessing there are no magic words, I guess I'm just wondering how
this process worked for others?
amy g
iowa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-But I want to talk to her some more this weekend. I don't know if I
should encourage her to quit, encourage her to give it some more time or
encourage her to dual enroll (in Iowa you can dual enroll and pick and
chose what you'd like to take)???? -=-
I think you should not talk to her about it unless she brings it up.
I think I would try to let the weekend be a big break from school.
Do something totally not related to school if you can. Cook, or go
shopping, or watch a movie. Just be with her, in relaxing ways. No
more stress.
-=-Ultimately it's her choice, I know, it's just so hard watching her
be so exhausted, getting so drained and really not finding the
happiness she wants!-=-
Three weeks isn't twelve years. Let it unfold in its own time. Let
her come home totally because she wants to, not because you lured her
back. Or let her stay in school totally because she wanted to, not
because you helped encourage her to finish what she started. Try not
to be a factor, not counting the BIG factor that you will hold her if
she cries from exhaustion and that she knows you will welcome her
home if she wants to quit.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
should encourage her to quit, encourage her to give it some more time or
encourage her to dual enroll (in Iowa you can dual enroll and pick and
chose what you'd like to take)???? -=-
I think you should not talk to her about it unless she brings it up.
I think I would try to let the weekend be a big break from school.
Do something totally not related to school if you can. Cook, or go
shopping, or watch a movie. Just be with her, in relaxing ways. No
more stress.
-=-Ultimately it's her choice, I know, it's just so hard watching her
be so exhausted, getting so drained and really not finding the
happiness she wants!-=-
Three weeks isn't twelve years. Let it unfold in its own time. Let
her come home totally because she wants to, not because you lured her
back. Or let her stay in school totally because she wanted to, not
because you helped encourage her to finish what she started. Try not
to be a factor, not counting the BIG factor that you will hold her if
she cries from exhaustion and that she knows you will welcome her
home if she wants to quit.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
graberamy
<<Try not
enough? I see that it's perfect!
amy g
iowa
> to be a factor, not counting the BIG factor that you will hold her ifThank you, that's what I wanted to hear. I wasn't sure if that was
> she cries from exhaustion and that she knows you will welcome her
> home if she wants to quit.>>>
enough? I see that it's perfect!
amy g
iowa
Pamela Sorooshian
On Sep 12, 2008, at 8:54 AM, graberamy wrote:
(now 17) had a few months of misery - really serious misery - after
having problems with her then-best friends. She was 12 or 13. Losing
those friends meant being left out of the social stuff she'd been
depending on for her entire social life. She woke up in the morning
and was soon in tears over it - every day for several months. Then she
somehow got her gumption together and decided to make herself a happy
and active social group and she did it. She called people and was
persistent and got various kids together to do things on a regular
basis. She let herself be completely open to being friends with anyone
available. She started some new activities. Over time, she developed a
fantastic social group that she's thrilled with - they get together to
play games, mostly, and also to go to movies. She still tends to be
the "organizer" of the group - she's the one who mostly calls or text
messages people and says, "Hey, a bunch of us are going to see a movie
on Tuesday afternoon if you want to go." She had to really take a lot
of initiative to get herself over not having the girl friends she'd
depended on before but she's VERY glad, now, that it all happened and
she's very very happy with her social life. Even in the last few weeks
she's just suddenly exclaimed, out of nowhere, "I LOVE my friends - I
have such cool friends!" She also got closer to her sisters - partly
that was because she got old enough to be more of a friend to hang out
with - to have fun together - her sisters are 3 and 6 years older
than she is. She also took up martial arts about then - with my pretty
strong urging to just try it - and that became a very strong passion
and the martial arts studio provided a built-in social group, too.
So - I hope some of that might help. You might tell her that it really
took some very strong determination on my daughter's part that she was
GOING to create a social life for herself. It didn't always look like
it was going to go well, but she didn't give up even when she was
disappointed that her friends weren't available nearly as often as she
wanted them around.
-pam
> Ultimately it's her choice, I know, it's just so hard watching herWe've had low points and high points regarding social lives. Rosie
> be so
> exhausted, getting so drained and really not finding the happiness she
> wants!
>
> I'm guessing there are no magic words, I guess I'm just wondering how
> this process worked for others?
(now 17) had a few months of misery - really serious misery - after
having problems with her then-best friends. She was 12 or 13. Losing
those friends meant being left out of the social stuff she'd been
depending on for her entire social life. She woke up in the morning
and was soon in tears over it - every day for several months. Then she
somehow got her gumption together and decided to make herself a happy
and active social group and she did it. She called people and was
persistent and got various kids together to do things on a regular
basis. She let herself be completely open to being friends with anyone
available. She started some new activities. Over time, she developed a
fantastic social group that she's thrilled with - they get together to
play games, mostly, and also to go to movies. She still tends to be
the "organizer" of the group - she's the one who mostly calls or text
messages people and says, "Hey, a bunch of us are going to see a movie
on Tuesday afternoon if you want to go." She had to really take a lot
of initiative to get herself over not having the girl friends she'd
depended on before but she's VERY glad, now, that it all happened and
she's very very happy with her social life. Even in the last few weeks
she's just suddenly exclaimed, out of nowhere, "I LOVE my friends - I
have such cool friends!" She also got closer to her sisters - partly
that was because she got old enough to be more of a friend to hang out
with - to have fun together - her sisters are 3 and 6 years older
than she is. She also took up martial arts about then - with my pretty
strong urging to just try it - and that became a very strong passion
and the martial arts studio provided a built-in social group, too.
So - I hope some of that might help. You might tell her that it really
took some very strong determination on my daughter's part that she was
GOING to create a social life for herself. It didn't always look like
it was going to go well, but she didn't give up even when she was
disappointed that her friends weren't available nearly as often as she
wanted them around.
-pam
k
She let herself be completely open to being friends with anyone available.
This is not a small accomplishment. The decision to be more open widens the
pool of options.
Sometimes after you get in a group that clicks, it might not feel important
to widen the pool.
Then going from one group to *no* established group means the old clickish
habits don't help and that's when being open to being friends with people
who are available ... in a sense not depending on your old discernment ...
comes in handy.
It's not something we do all the time. But it's useful.
~Katherine
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
This is not a small accomplishment. The decision to be more open widens the
pool of options.
Sometimes after you get in a group that clicks, it might not feel important
to widen the pool.
Then going from one group to *no* established group means the old clickish
habits don't help and that's when being open to being friends with people
who are available ... in a sense not depending on your old discernment ...
comes in handy.
It's not something we do all the time. But it's useful.
~Katherine
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
graberamy
> So - I hope some of that might help. You might tell her that it reallyWhat did you do?? I'm not trying to be snarky, I being totally
> took some very strong determination on my daughter's part that she was
> GOING to create a social life for herself. It didn't always look like
> it was going to go well, but she didn't give up even when she was
> disappointed that her friends weren't available nearly as often as she
> wanted them around.>>>>
serious. How much did you get involved in that? Did you encourage
that, model it? Did you have conversations encouraging that?
Lydia's pretty good at seeing the positives in people. It's just all
of her life (11 years) it's really been me organizing playdates etc.
So, now that she's in school she's on her own and seems to be doing
pretty good at the friend making, it's just the schooly part that she
is finding less than desirable (she just asked me how much longer the
year is...:).
I'm still organize things (like a skating party for her cheer squad,
haunted house trip for the homeschool teen group). Was Rosie
motivated to just do that stuff herself? I mean I come up with the
ideas and see if it's something she wants to do. I just want her to
see there is still all these connections outside of school.
amy g
iowa