Brad Holcomb

I had 2 different awesome moments with my 3.5 y/o ds yesterday that left me
feeling like a Good Dad.

He and I were at Lowe's, and they have a hot dog stand near the Exit where
he likes to stop. He got a hot dog, and we sat down to eat. The bun was
falling apart, and he was getting upset. I tried to use the pieces of bun
arranged on different pieces of hot dog to give him what I thought he
wanted.a nice looking piece of meat inside of 2 pieces of bun. But he kept
getting more upset. "I no like that!" In the past, I would have probably
gotten short with him. But as this went on, and I tried in vain to arrange
the pieces of hot dog and bun (falling apart) in yet another arrangement, I
just kept trying to plug into him more, and kept smiling, staying calm.
Finally he said, "I want more ketchup!" He had been mutilating the hot dog
just trying to find the bits of bun that had the most ketchup on them. So I
just grabbed a bottle of ketchup and squirted a large blog on the side of
his plate, and he was in dunking heaven, and we went back to having fun.

Last night, his mama was already in bed, and he and I were watching
Spongebob on tv. As we were turning it off to go to bed, headed down the
hall, he said, "wait!", and went back in the kitchen, and I followed. He
picked up a leftover piece of pancake on the counter and said, "I want
this". I thought he meant he wanted to take it to bed, but I wasn't sure.
Sometimes he likes to eat something just before bed (not *in* bed), but I
was really tired. But instead of starting into a list of reasons why I'd
prefer him not to take crumbly food to a dark bed at 11pm with mommy already
asleep in it, or trying to push some food on him quickly so I could get to
bed quicker, I just kept listening to what was going on. Finally I
understood that he did not want to leave the food (about 4 tablespoons worth
of pancake) out on the counter, and wanted it in the fridge. No problem! I
got a paper towel and wrapped the pancake, and he put it in the fridge and
we went to bed happy. This is the first time he's ever taken action to
preserve food, and I'm glad I was open to it, instead of arguing with him
about what I *thought* he wanted. And this morning he went straight to the
fridge when he got up, and brought me the paper-towel-wrapped pancake to
heat up for him. And he told me again, "See, I want this! Me no leave
out." He's always just watched us put things away, but the pancake was
important enough to him to want to put it away himself.

I've been really concentrating on being Present with him the past few weeks,
not making assumptions about what he "usually" wants in any given situation,
and I'm feeling more connected with him than I have in several months.



--
Brad in Boulder, CO
http://holcombs.org

Sandra Dodd

-=-No problem! I
got a paper towel and wrapped the pancake, and he put it in the
fridge and
we went to bed happy. This is the first time he's ever taken action to
preserve food, and I'm glad I was open to it, instead of arguing with
him
about what I *thought* he wanted.-=-

That's a really cool story, and the hotdog too. They might've given
you another bun, but the ketchup was the important thing. Very sweet.

Once the real, natural feedback started happening with me, when Kirby
was little, and I REALLY knew that what we were doing was
strengthening our family and all the relationships within it, I was
hooked. I didn't just feel like a good mom, I knew it. Culture at
large will say "good mom!" or "good dad!" when you're mean to kids,
and sometimes they say "bad..." when you're nice to them. It's not
an easy thing to see the manipulation in that and to make decisions
on what truly makes things better in your heart and your child's life.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

> I've been really concentrating on being Present with him the past few
weeks,
> not making assumptions about what he "usually" wants in any given
situation,
> and I'm feeling more connected with him than I have in several months.
>


That's the part that has always pleasantly surprised me. When you
really stop and listen to what your children want, and trust that their
reasons are equally valid, you assumptions get thrown aside to some
remote corner of the world because it had nothing at all to do with what
was actually happening.

Chamille and I are desiging a transgendered mutant hillbilly zombie
costume. That was her idea to throw the transgendered thing in there.
So we have that description along with "the hills have eyes" kind of
feel about it mixed in with scrap metal yard as the setting for this
zombie. I haven't seen that movie, nor will I. Chamille has so I'm
totally going off her visual.

I've known this, and experienced it before, but this is really the first
trully collaberative project that we've worked on, and I'm continually
surprised by what is in her head. In the past I've either just taken
what she told me and interpreted it, or she's done it herself. This
time, she is going off her image and I'm merely the engineer.

I'm getting a new and interesting peek into her unusual mind. What she
has in there is sooo different from anything that I've experienced with
any other person. I get to know her and appreciate her on a whole new
level. Sometimes I think I know her really well, and sometimes I get a
glimpse of how trully I don't. It's fun!